Story Fondling

Some time ago I wrote an essay on forgiveness where I suggested that "Forgiveness is when the hurt you’ve suffered no longer drives your decision-making, nor defines who you are."

Believe me, I've returned to those words time and again. And recently I came to see that people who are stuck are often unwilling or unable to let go of the hurt they've suffered. They are stuck in the hurt because somehow it defines them in a way that feels, oddly enough, comfortable.

It's the woman who will tell you, with great bitterness, how unfairly her ex-husband treated her. How he screwed her out of money. How he turned the children against her. How he cheated on her and walked away scot free. The jerk. When did this happen? you might ask, and be shocked to find out -- it was 30 years ago.

It's when your friend starts to complain once again about how intolerable her workplace is. What a psycho her boss is. How brown-nosing her office mates are. How favorites get recognized but hard work is never rewarded. How she has no energy and barely drags herself into work every day. And you've heard the same complaints over and over without cease for the past five years.

Being stuck -- feeling powerless to change, not knowing what to do, fuzzy thinking -- happens to all of us at some time or other. We have a problem and can't seem to find a way out.

Why is that?

It's as if staying fully engaged with the problem prevents people from having to come up with a solution. There's a issue, poppets, when we love the story of our problem so much that we can't bear to let it go. We're "story fondling", as my friend Martha Beck calls it. We love our story. We absolutely adore it. We hold it close, as if it were a tiny baby needing our tender, loving care.

But when we story fondle, we allow our problem to define us and shape our decision-making.

Which is the opposite of forgiveness.

And only prolongs the pain.

The only way forward, as you may have heard, is through. To get unstuck, once and for all, you have to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution.

You have to break up with the problem and start dating a solution. Or play the field if you want and try several solutions.

Sure, sometimes we fondle our problem in an attempt to understand it. And that's important -- understanding the pain can help us craft a solution that works. But 30 years of fondling? Excessive. That's 30 years of living life in pain, and on hold. Which might feel safe, but is ultimately a waste.

What you've got, for sure, is today. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow is not promised. Laying the problem aside and living right here, right now, focused on solutions -- that's the key to arriving at the most powerful point of forgiveness -- self-forgiveness. Which is the path toward a vibrant life, worth living.

Repeal HAFTA!

It's a political year, friends. So give me a minute to scramble up on my soapbox while I enter the fray.

Ahem.

There's a lot of talk about change these days. Change with a purpose is a good thing. It's time for big change, ladies and gentlemen. And I am going to propose a sweeping change for the American people -- no, a sweeping change for the people of the world.

I'm not talking about ending taxes, or cutting social programs, or combating global climate change. I'm not talking about reform of labor laws, or a change to the legislative process. I'm not advocating a repeal of the Part 33 Rewrite of the Telecommunications Act. I'm not going to open that can of worms. Nor am I going to discuss NAFTA.

No, it's not NAFTA I'm after. It's "hafta".

Friends, it's time we stop allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed and stressed by all the things we hafta do. It's time to stand strong and declare that hafta is done, finished and over. There are no more things we hafta do. There are only things we choose to do.

The other morning, a beautiful, blue spring morning, I was driving along enjoying the blooming dogwoods, the eye-popping redbuds and the luminous rhododendrons along my route. At a stoplight, I spied a fit, spandex-clad woman pushing a jogging stroller. Her face was drawn up in a scowl, her body was tight, and she was pushing that stroller like Sisyphus with his rock. Only she was running downhill.

"Where's the joy?" was my first thought. There she was, on a staggeringly beautiful morning, out with her baby in the sunshine! What's not to like? But it was as if she was doing penance, or submitting to a purgative. Her body language transmitted, "I am doing this only because I have to. Everyone knows a baby has to be out in the fresh air at least twice a day. I can't wait until this is over."

Poor child.

How different if that woman were to turn her point-of-view around and say, "I am the luckiest woman on the face of the planet to have the opportunity to be out with my darling child on such a gorgeous morning." Imagine her body language under those circumstances.

Imagine your own.

What if your to-do list was blank, and the only things you had to do were things you are happy to do? That you choose to do? That give you energy and buoy your mood? Or, to use an idea of my friend and fellow coach Sharon Pfleiger, what if you could spend your time solely on the things on your "Get-To List"? As in "I get to plant my garden" or "I get to spend time with my best friend", or, my favorite, "I get to say what I feel."

Sure, there are things we don't like to do. Personally, I'm not too fond of trash duty. However, it must be done. I try to do this chore quickly and efficiently so I don't spend a ton of time on it. The recycling is sorted during the week, the bins are taken to the curb every Tuesday, and the compost pile gets a donation nearly daily. Could be yucky stuff. By not putting it off, or extending the amount of time it takes to finish the task, I make it easy -- which frees up time for me to do something I really like. Something from my get-to list.

Like take a walk with my kid.

When you find yourself so governed by have-tos that you have no time for get-tos, then it's time for change. It's time for hope. It's time, ladies and gentlemen, to repeal HAFTA.

The Expectations Of Others

Shannon does a great job at work. Everybody says so. Her performance reviews are always "Exceeds Expectations" and she's been steadily promoted to a position of major responsibility.

So, why isn't she happy? She'll tell you she's burned out. She has no personal life. She has no time. She can't think. She forgets the birthdays of friends. She's productive at work, but still very, very stuck in a life that doesn't fit quite right.

What would she like? "I guess I would say, 'Peace' -- time to hang with my friends. Time to maybe even have a boyfriend. Time to do quilting (which I love). Time to play with my nieces and nephews. Time to work out and get healthier. Time to do a really good job, too."

What's keeping her from that vision of a life? I ask her about her job and her eyes get glassy. "I work 10-12 hour days, probably six days a week," she says. "But there's always so much to do."

Any way she could delegate, or get more staff to help?

She pauses. "Well, I could try that, but I'm afraid I won't find anyone as committed as I am," she says. "I have pretty high expectations for others."

Hmmmn. I sense an avenue for exploration. I ask, "Shannon, what's 'success' mean to you?"

After a bit of hemming, hawing, inner cheek chewing and stolen glances toward the ceiling, Shannon says, "Success is not disappointing others, I guess. When I'm successful, I'm meeting the expectations of others."

"So," I start. "Other people get to decide how successful Shannon will be, and you have do what they say? You have no role in that? Because that's kinda what I hear you saying."

Tears well in Shannon's eyes. "I never thought about it that way," she says quietly.

"You can have a life of your own design, Shannon. It is possible. But you have to figure out what's most important to you and live by that, rather than accepting that assignment from others."

We take a look at Shannon's underlying fears and beliefs and began the process of eliminating and revising those that don't fit with the life Shannon would like to live.

It comes down to that idea Shannon has -- that success means meeting the expectations of others. Is there another way to cast that sentence in a way that allows Shannon to get the life she wants to live? After some poking and prodding, we come up with:

"I am successful when I meet my own expectations."

Which is true. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from (shout out here) my friend Grey Terry. In a very difficult period of my life, Grey looked me in my perpetually red-rimmed eyes and said, "Michele, just do things today you can be proud of a year from now."

It was in my power, then, to have the expectation that I would face a great challenge as a person of integrity, responsible and respectable, a person of honor. And have my actions flow from these values. As a result, there's very little I regret having done from that time of my life. Which is quite nice.

Shannon came to see that she, too, has the power to make and set her own expectations for how she will be in the world -- that she will make time for the things that nourish her whole life, such as relationships, interests, exercise and a healthy diet.

Attempting to live by the expectations of others merely held her back. Now, she feels free.

And you? How do you feel?

$4 Gas

Almost eighty years ago, Americans saw a dramatic drop in their financial well-being. That October day, as Wall Streeters jumped from windows and banks closed their doors, the United States went from the buoyant ebulliency of the Roaring Twenties to the dire straits of the Depression.

People lost their homes to foreclosure, and their jobs to industry destabilization. There wasn't enough food, even at the soup kitchens. Farms dried up and blew away.

Those were hard times.

And today, we have gas prices pushing nearly four dollars a gallon where I live. For regular. Food costs are up 35% since the first of the year. Foreclosures are up 650% in a neighboring county. A friend got a new job -- working to ease the "out-placement" of over 3,000 white collar workers at a multi-national financial services firm once known as a "safe" place to work.

Airline travel, I'm told, will be more expensive this summer and schedules will be compromised as more and more airlines face financial difficulties. At the same time, AAA suggests we drop the idea of long car trips due to the rising price of fuel. So where are you going for vacation this summer? Your basement bunker, perhaps?

The media bleats and blurts: "Doom!", "Gloom!", "More at 6!"

I don't know how you're doing, but, frankly, I don't want any more at 6pm. Focusing on the awful can prevent me from seeing the real -- and the wonderful.

So let me suggest a Personal Finance Reality Check. Do these three things, and see if your mood shifts from doom and gloom to something else.

First, sit down with at least the last three statements from your checking account. If, like me, you do online banking and use a software program like Quicken, this work will be a cinch. Look at your grocery spending -- has it changed? By how much? Your gasoline expenses? Credit card purchases? Other expenses? Get a handle on how much these have gone up, and keep that percentage in mind when you do the second step.

Second, project your expenses for May. Plug in numbers for gas, groceries and other expenses that reflect the rate of increase you've seen in the last three months. So, if you had been spending $200/mo. on gasoline, and you have seen a 35% increase, project a gas expense of $270 for May. Make your expense projection mirror the types of expenses you've had for the last three months -- dining out, travel, clothing, whatever. Be consistent.

Third, total up your projected May expenses. How's that number look against your projected income for the month? Running a deficit? Rather than turning to your credit cards for quick relief, go back to your projected expenses list and see where you can make gentle cuts which result in significant savings. For instance, eating out twice a week, rather than four times a week, will save you plenty. Limiting discretionary driving will use less gasoline. Less gas = less cost. If you, like me, often meet with clients in person, perhaps you could shift to more conference call meetings for the time being.

None of these suggestions are exactly brain science. You've heard them plenty of times from plenty of people far more famous and wealthy than lil' old me.

But, here's the difference. Make these changes in your life not as a punishment, and not from a place of worry or lack -- make these changes because you can, and because they are healthy. Embrace the changes. Be joyful about them. Love that you have the innovative thinking and personal power to take this weird economy and use it for your benefit.

You are not powerless to a jittery economy. No, my friends, you can take this time of uncertainty and shift it from the constant water torture of fear of lack that can be paralyzing, into a great awareness and gratitude for what you do have.

Because what you have is the ability to take care of yourself. Don't let the doom-and-gloomers promising more at six make you forget that.

Investing In Friendships

We're all so busy, aren't we? Seems we're constantly rushing from here to there -- gotta get home, to the office, to the kids' soccer game, gotta take the elderly parents to all their appointments. The dog needs to go to the vet, then there are groceries, laundry, doctors, commitments, obligations, this, that, the other zillion things -- and a ton of stress.

Some people tell me that they're so busy doing all this stuff that they can't make time for their friends. And making new friends? Forget about it. "No one makes new friends after 40" said one woman.

Yet, who's happiest? Research has shown that it's people with the largest social networks. How's your friend factor? Have all you need? All you want? Are you making time to invest in your friendships, and insure your own happiness?

If not, don't worry. There are four things you can do right now to grow your social network.

Make contact: Email is a great tool for nurturing friendships. Though your great-grandmother might be appalled that you're not penning brilliant little missives on tasteful monogrammed stationery using a fountain pen with blue-black ink... contact is contact. Let your friends know what you're up to with a quick email. Or, a simple "I'm thinking of you" can brighten a day. And, if you receive a message from a friend, take the time to respond, even it's just a few lines. Of course, a phone call is swell and a "date" is even better. Read on.

Make time: Regardless of where you work -- The White House or your house -- schedule something with at least one friend at least once a week. Coffee, lunch, cocktails, cow-tipping, or whatever you enjoy doing together. I sense quite a few spit-takes at that suggestion. Wipe off your computer monitor and keep reading. Sure you're busy. Are you so busy, then, that you have no time to be happy? When you make time for a friend, you grow and nurture that relationship. Ignore the care and feeding of friendships until you need them -- and they may not be there.

Be yourself: The best friends are those who accept and enjoy you despite your flaws and shortcomings. Postponing friendships until you lose weight, or have a partner, or that nasty rash clears up -- is just fear talking. Real friends will love having you around, regardless. And if you have to pretend to be someone you're not around a person or group of people? They ain't your friends.

Remember: Memorizing birthdays and astrological signs is not required. However, please try to remember the names of your friend's spouse, and their children. Building a friendship means you need to know your friend's preferences -- when you continually suggest meeting for a nice juicy steak to your vegan friend... you are actually telling them that they aren't quite important enough for you to remember who they are.

And, want to know the single best thing you can do to bring some new people into your life? Volunteer for something. Yep, volunteering -- whether at your job or in your community -- creates bonds with others based on shared experiences and interests. The sense of pride and accomplishment plus the satisfaction of giving back are all great side benefits.

Friendships bring joy, comfort and zest to life. Relationships are a fundamental building block of happiness. Staying too busy to have friends and human connection is simply a way of denying yourself the happiness that's your birthright.

And where's the joy in that?

Get Yourself Organized

Just can't seem to get organized? Feeling a bit out of control? A little swamped?

Join the club.

And, it's a mighty big club.

Organization may the single most problematic task for most of us, according to my completely unscientific poll of clients, friends and family. Oh, and the mailman. So, how about some tips on how to get organized?

Let me be frank here: if other people think you are disorganized but you are fine with how you live, then it's not a problem. For you. Of course, if you have 25 years of old newspapers stacked ceiling high, 85 cats and 43 cases of yams stacked in untidy pyramids throughout your house, you might want to consider that there's a problem... But it's up to you.

If your disorganization makes you late -- paying bills, keeping appointments, forgetting to take medication -- or prevents you from being truly happy, then you need to make some changes. Here's how:

Identify the problem. Take a notebook and walk around your home, or your office, and make a list of the areas that need attention. Be specific. "Hall closet" or "supply closet", rather than "whole house" or "everything". "Calendar" or "paying bills", rather than "time" or "money". Got it? Once you can identify the problem areas, you can make a plan to begin to attend to them. Cherry-pick the easiest task first, and if none of them seem easy, then pick the area where getting organized is going to have the biggest impact.

Break each problem area down into teeny-tiny little steps. For instance, take "paying bills". What's the optimal bill-paying process? Let's write it down. OK. The mail comes. What do you have to do? Get the mail out of the box. Next? Sort the mail. Pull out the bills. Then what? Put them in a file folder? Pay them on the spot? What feels best for you? No, not throwing them into the trash, as much as you're tempted. (Hey, I know your type.) Remember, what you resist persists, so if you hate paying bills and put it off, and off, and off, the problem will only get worse. So, make it as easy and painless as possible. And if you really, really can't get the task done, outsource it -- to your spouse, your eldest child, or hire a part-time personal assistant.

Tackle one problem at a time. We get overwhelmed when we try to pay the bills, organize the files, recast the calendar and write a strategic plan -- all within the same 20 minute time period. Setting yourself up for failure, that is. Take one project at a time (that pesky "Hall closet") and give yourself a realistic time frame for finishing it -- even if that realistic time frame is three weeks. Remember, if you hit the wall on your project, that's OK. Just keep on making teeny-tiny steps toward progress every day and soon enough the daggone closet will be tidy. That's when you get to execute the very best tip:

Give yourself a reward. Honest. Give yourself something nice for having to do such a boring/nasty/unpleasant task. Make it something you look forward to -- a solid hour of Guitar Hero, for instance; or, a long chat with your best friend. Link the reward with the action, Pavlov-style, and you will begin to look forward to knocking other tasks off your list.

The reward I love is free time. I figure that if I knock a project off thoroughly and don't have to come back to it, I can then loaf absolutely guilt-free. Honey, talk about an incentive! Find the reward that means as much to you and you'll find tackling overwhelming organizational tasks a snap.

Birthing a Book

Ladies and gentlemen -- drumroll, please -- I am happy to announce that my book has been published. Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living became available just this week, and I am tickled pink.

More than just being pleased, I have to say that I am somewhat overwhelmed.

When I was 9 years old, I wanted to write a book. I experimented using a marbled composition book with impossibly fat lines, writing a knock-off of The Secret of the Old Clock (Nancy Drew, naturally), throwing in a little bit of Harriet the Spy. I assembled sheets of paper in pocket folders, and made elaborate title pages. I illustrated. One of my early works involved a doughnut with hay fever. (Don't ask.) I went through a somewhat odd haiku-on-onion-skin-paper phase. Oh, I tried many ways to pull a book together.

But experimentation was all it was.

I have been a lifelong reader. Can't remember learning to read, as a matter of fact. Always remember just knowing how to read. Even today, I read a couple of books a week. Love reading. Love learning. Love books.

Now, I hold a real, live book in my hand... and my name is on it.

How's it feel? As writer Diana Gabaldon said of her first book, "It's like giving birth, without the stitches."

Miraculous.

How did I do it? My book is a collection of essays that have appeared in this blog and the newsletter over the past several years. The idea of "writing a book" seemed daunting -- but the idea of writing a weekly essay? Much easier. And at some point, I realized I had the makings of a nice book. Had I not had the deadline of writing here, weekly, perhaps my dream of writing a book would have remained exactly that.

Good lesson, huh?

So, if you'd like to visit Amazon.com and purchase a copy (or two, or three, or four), you can click here: Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living.

And, before I go, let me thank you readers, for giving me an audience to read what it is I write. Many, many thanks to each of you.