Wikification

I got a question from a charming man this week, which prompted a choo-choo train of thought. Which, of course, I will share with you.

This intelligent, thoughtful man asked, “How can corporations navigate the new political waters?”

Good question.

I believe we are in the midst of a significant shift in the way everything is organized – from political life to corporate life to consumer behavior to personal action. As Steve Jobs said in his 2005 commencement address to Stanford students, it’s very hard to connect the dots looking forward, but much easier when you look back.

Looking back over the past several years, I see a clear trend toward what I call “Wikification”. You know Wikipedia? It’s the online encyclopedia which anyone in the world can add to, edit or revise. Over the last few years, it’s become the largest encyclopedia ever developed, and it’s increasingly the encyclopedia of record. In fact, the New York Times says over 100 U.S. judicial decisions have relied on Wikipedia since 2004.

Wikipedia broadens the scope of people who are involved in a process. Rather than a long, laborious, closed process by select scholars, the Wikipedia is a relatively swift, open collaboration by a wide spectrum of experts.

And who are those experts? Why, you and me.

Similarly, you have become the expert on what you listen to. Remember 20 years ago when you could only listen to Top 40, oldies, classical or acid rock on the radio? Today, thanks to IPods, satellite radio and the Internet, you can make your own playlist and listen to whatever you want. Many people don't even listen to AM or FM radio any more. And as a result, some radio broadcasters have seen their revenue decline up to 50%.

Likewise, the recording industry has changed. It used to be that an artist could not get heard unless he had a contract with a major label. Now, however, an artist can get his or her start on the Internet and parlay that into sales and performing gigs. Record labels have folded, or suffered huge layoffs – and their profits have declined significantly.

You have to have three data points to see a trend, so let me give you another. Publishing. Remember how we used to say how hard it was to get a book published? Not so today. Why? Because you can publish a book with a service like Lulu.com and not split a cent of your profits with an agent or publishing house. The authors I have talked to recently suggest this is the way to get their work to the public – to bypass the publishing gatekeepers and keep the profits for themselves.

Just one more to make the point. Remember when we had three TV networks? If a story led the evening news, it led the national discussion. If the story were biased or incomplete or otherwise flawed, we had few ways to discover the truth. Now, however, viewership of the evening news has radically declined, and a plethora of news outlets exist. Indeed, the challenge for news consumers today is sifting through the many voices for what resonates as true. But the diversity of opinion, I believe, leads to a deeper understanding.

And that, my friends, is the trend. We are bypassing the gatekeepers. More and more, you are becoming your own gatekeeper. You are deciding what you listen to, what you read, what you watch, what you do.

What does this mean for the former gatekeepers? Beside sheer panic, there are a couple of things. First, no more wholesale, one-size-fits-all mindset. People want one-to-one relationships. They want respect for their own niche, their own interests.

Second, former gatekeepers need to shift from the “telling” posture (“We will tell you what you can like”) to the “listening” posture (“Tell me what you’d like.”) If gatekeepers fail to listen to their customers and clients, they will continue to develop products and services too macro – and find that demand is just not there.

Third, collaboration is key. A dialogue with customers, clients and users is vital. I can see a time when most companies host their own discussion boards so customers can provide instant input on products and services, allowing businesses to tweak or alter product lines – leading to greater success.

The problem many gatekeepers have with this new trend is a loss of power. Rather than a powerful individual or organization making a market, the market is made organically. It's a diffusion of power, placing a chunk of it in many hands. And the former gatekeeper ignores this at his or her own peril. Those who continue with top-down approaches will find themselves either left behind or chasing dwindling markets.

So far, I’ve talked about business and not politics, but the trend is clear there, too. When Barack Obama raised a crowd of 20,000 by a single post on Facebook.com, I stood up and took notice. Once again, he spoke to a niche which might have been overlooked by the old gatekeepers.

Just like businesses, politicians need to adopt the listening posture, and stop telling. They, too, need to seek and use the expert advice of their constituents. They need to collaborate – with their colleagues as well as with their constituents. No more secret earmarks, no more smoke and mirrors. No more top-down approaches. No more power-grabbing. No more wholesale politics. No more business as usual.

Because the way of business has changed.

How To Get What You Want

Have you heard about The Secret? It’s a book developed from a movie – and it’s got incredible buzz. It’s sold 1.7 million copies since Thanksgiving. When it was featured on Oprah's TV show February 8th of this year, viewers almost crashed her website seeking more information.

The idea behind The Secret is not a new one – I’m going to tell you The Secret right now, so stop reading if you don’t want to know it -- it’s this: You can get anything you want. If you just ask and believe, you will receive.

This idea has been around since man first sparked flint against stone. Some people call it The Power of Positive Thinking, some people call it Cosmic Ordering, some people call it Intention Setting, some call it the Attractor Factor, and some folks just call it prayer. The gist is that you can draw positive things to you by your intention and attitude.

The people behind The Secret are truly marketing geniuses – they’ve reworked an ancient idea and made it a multi-million dollar fad. But I’m afraid some folks using The Secret are going to be disappointed.

Because it’s not just the asking that’s important. You have to know why you’re asking in the first place.

I have to disclose that I believe strongly in the power of visualization, intention setting and attracting what you want. In fact, I do it regularly. And it works. My method is a little different from The Secret, and I’ll share it with you now. It won’t cost you a nickel.

Michele's Secret: just Center, Seek, Visualize, Request, continue to Visualize, and you will Receive.

So, first, you have to find your Center. That means you have to get in the place where you do your best, clearest thinking. For some, it may be a quiet meditative spot. Some may find taking a brisk walk or a run conducive to thought. Others might choose the perennial favorite, the shower (as in “I do my best thinking in the shower!”). Some people find Zen in folding laundry. Whatever. Just get yourself clear and focused.

Then, Seek. The Seeking phase is where you ask yourself “What do I want?” For me, this question has two parts: “What do I want more of that I already have?” and, “What do I want that I don’t have?”

Let’s say you Center and Seek and come up with: I want a Mercedes-Benz. If you stop right there and ask the Universe for a Mercedes-Benz, I have to tell you – you’re probably not going to get it. Before you Request, you have to know why you want a Mercedes.

If you answer, “I want a Mercedes because then everyone will know I’m rich and can afford a car like that”, then you are coming from a place of ego and the Universe doesn’t reward ego-based desires. Sorry. An intention that can only be fulfilled by hurting someone else is likewise a no go. So no intentions around your ex getting hit by falling space debris. Bummer.

If you pursue the idea “If I have a Mercedes, everyone will know I’m rich” down to the core, you might find that what you seek is affirmation – and that's what you truly need to attend to. The car is just a dodge from the real problem.

However, if when you Seek you come up with, “I want a Mercedes because they are well-built vehicles and a ton of fun to drive,” then that is a pure intention. How do you know it’s pure? Simple. If the result you desire is just for you, doesn't harm anyone and doesn't involve any other person's perception of you, then you aren't coming from ego.

And don’t think you can say one thing and really mean another – the key to this whole deal is aligning your intention at your deepest level of mind and spirit. An ego-based intention, even if it’s unspoken, will never get you what you want.

After you Center and Seek, you Visualize. We know visualization works in sports, we know it works in business. It also works in regular old life. So, Visualize sitting in your Mercedes. What’s the seat feel like? How is the steering wheel under your fingers? What’s the engine sound like?At this point, I also ask myself, “What do I need to attract into my life to get this?” If you want that Mercedes, you may have to attract reasonable financing, or a windfall, or a pay boost. If you want deep meaningful intimate relationships, you may need to attract thoughtful, open and loving people into your life.

Then, you Request. When I Request, I usually write it down. I express gratitude for what I have, and ask for what I want. In my case, I am asking God – and you can ask God, too, however you happen to perceive God. You can also release your desire to the Universe, to nothingness, to your guardian angel, to Jackie Chan. Whatever organizes the world for you.

After you Request, you keep Visualizing what it will be like to get what you want. You hold that powerful visualization in your mind and you keep touching base with it, throughout the days and weeks to come.

And, believe it or not, you will Receive what you want..

“Pshaw.” That’s what I hear a reader from Pennsylvania saying. “What a bunch of hooey.”

OK, I can prove this works. On Tuesday, February 20, 2007, I did this exercise. I came up with four things I want in my life. I will share two of them. I asked for support of my financial goals by sending me clients who I can help. I also asked for help expressing myself through my writing and speaking.

By the time I went to bed on Wednesday, February 21, 2007, I had: three new clients; two clients who paid me for work done in December and January; one new speaking engagement; and, four good leads on publishing.

Coincidence? Maybe. But it sure as shootin' happened. And it’s not the first time. Center, Seek, Visualize, Request, continue to Visualize and, then, you will Receive.

Exciting, isn’t it? What would happen if you gave it a try? What would happen if you actually asked for what you want?

Why you just might get it.

The Company You Keep

My first job after college was working for a beer company. Yep, I was hired to take on the onerous duty of selling beer to college students. Such hard work! For undertaking this major, heavy-lifting responsibility, I got a company car, an expense account, tickets to major sporting events all over the Pacific Northwest and all the gimme t-shirts a girl could want.

Nice work if you can get it, believe me.

At the time, and probably even today, the beer industry was dominated by men. I can’t tell you how many times I was the only woman in the room. It was a guy business, run by guys, governed by guy rules – and I sure learned to play by guy rules.

Which meant I swore like a sailor.

Everywhere I went – every warehouse, every meeting, every bar, every grocery store – people were using swear words. They were used as adjectives. As nouns. As verbs. Even as dangling participles.

I swam in an ocean of obscenity. And I took to it like a fish to water.

Imagine my surprise when, in my next job, I let go a stream of what I considered normal, creative invective and the room fell deadly quiet. Guess what? My new colleagues didn’t swear. I felt like a fish out of water. A fish with a potty mouth.

Group dynamics certainly govern our behavior. What’s acceptable to one crowd may be completely unacceptable to another. The trick is to find a group which supports that which is best in us – rather than a group that appeals to, how shall I say it? Our baser instincts.

There’s a public service announcement on TV now which shows a stick figure lounging in a window, smoking a joint. He offers a hit to the dog. The dog declines the opportunity. The stick figure says, “I feel bad about what I’m doing. If you did it with me, I’d feel less bad.” Maybe the dog’s name is B-I-N-G-O, because that’s what I felt like saying when I saw the ad. Bingo! People who feel bad about what they are doing need me to do it, too, so they can feel less bad.

In her book Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass suggests that one of the ways to affair-proof your marriage is to associate with people who are not only friends of marriage in general, but friends of your marriage in particular. In fact, Dr. Glass’ research shows that associating with people who are in affairs, or who condone, support or encourage affairs, increases the likelihood that your marriage will end in divorce.

It’s like a new norm is invented by the company you keep. If everyone swears, then it’s normal to swear. If everyone takes office supplies home, then it’s not stealing – it’s actually OK to put that Xerox copier in your pocketbook and haul it home. If people are rewarded for swindling clients, then clients get swindled. If everyone is cheating on their spouse, then it’s not cheating, really – it’s fun, it’s cool, it’s how the game is played. It may be unethical, but it's the norm. And when you live unethically, day in and day out, your self-esteem erodes.

That’s why finding your “tribe” of like-minded friends is vitally important to your marriage, to your workplace, to your happiness -- to your sense of self.

Friends help you be your best self. They support your personal growth, are objective and appropriately affirming. I say “appropriately” because it would be perfectly fine with me if a friend were less than affirming – especially if I had wandered off on some weird track that was not really that good for me. Like if I were spending day after day in my jammies eating junk food, not bathing, muttering to myself and watching back-to-back Rachel Ray shows. Some people call that “bad”. Other people call it “March, 2004.”

Moving on.

Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite spiritual writers,defined love as making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. My kids’ pediatrician has a framed print on his wall, “Let him be left-handed if that’s how he’s made.” Love, then, is letting someone be left-handed. Or gassy. Or opinionated. Or a Rachel Ray fan.

But being a friend also means you have the obligation to raise the impact of their negative or destructive behaviors with them.

The moment to evaluate a friendship is when, in the process of your friend fully being themselves, you find that you cannot be fully yourself. If their full expression is hurtful, dangerous or negative to you, you have every right to say something and to lovingly detach – to give them a ton of safe space to be themselves.

Alcoholics often find that they need new friends after sobriety, because many of their old friends consciously or sub-consciously promote drinking. That’s one reason why recovering alcoholics get sponsors – the sponsor is the beginning of a new social network, one which supports healthy, affirming activities, yet is lovingly supportive when the person in recovery slips back into hurtful habits. The sponsor creates a positive space for the alcoholic to be fully himself.

Toxic friendships are often based on being in a negative space together. How do you know if you're in one? If you feel used, you're probably being used. If you feel demeaned and belittled, then you're not in a situation which helps you grow. If you feel you can't be fully yourself with your friends, then you definitely haven't found your tribe. Relationships like this are not about growth or overcoming or affirmation. Rather, these friendships serve to keep all participants down, so nothing and no one has to change. They exist so other people won't feel so bad.

When eyes open and one person begins to grow, however, these friendships end because what they’re built on is not solid. And that's OK. Because when you're out of a bad situation, you have the chance to find a good one.

Look at your friendships. Do they support you? Do they affirm you? Do they reflect your values, your ethics, your best self? If they do, then congratulations.

You’ve found your tribe.

Thinner Peace

A few weeks ago I wrote about Being Perfect. One of the common ways many of us strive for perfection is in our weight or body shape. We think: If only I could lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, then life would be perfect. Truth? If you did lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, you'd just be skinner... with the same old problems.

This pursuit of perfection is endless -- and those of us in pursuit often pay a high emotional and psychological toll. It's like this: we weigh too much, so we can never be enough. That is a stuck mindset. It's a limiting place. It's no fun. It really hurts.

It's time for the anguish and suffering to stop.

It’s time for Thinner Peace.

Among the clatter of competing weight loss approaches, arrives leading life coach, author, O Magazine columnist and friend of mine, Dr. Martha Beck. In The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace, Martha provides a funny, thoughtful, erudite, practical approach to losing and maintaining your best body size. It's a diet book for all of us who think diet is a four-letter word.

Even if you don’t usually buy diet books, don't you think you'd love a book with chapters like “Eat Whatever The Hell You Want”, "How To Stop Eating When You Can't Stop Eating" and "How Not To Be A Big Fat Liar"?

What I love about this book is that Martha gives a thorough, intelligent explanation of how the mind works (would you expect anything less from a gal with three degrees from Harvard?) -- and bases her approach on cutting edge research. She tells you not only “how” – but gets you to understand the all important “why”. You’ll find out how traditional diet programs based on deprivation, willpower and suffering work on our minds and help us stay heavy.

Martha undertook this work in as a consultant to Jenny Craig, to help them better understand the psychological aspects of weight loss. Her key finding, after working with plenty of Jenny Craig clients as well as her own private coaching clients, is this: when you set up a famine situation in your brain, you are undermining your ability to lose weight. Psychologically, when you say, "I cannot have even one cookie. If I have a cookie, I will be bad. I will have no willpower and be a loser if I eat just one cookie. Nope, no cookies for me!" – you actually program yourself to only think about what you're missing: cookies. And if you have the opportunity, you'll satisfy your cookie famine with a cookie binge.

I know that where I put my attention will grow more central to my life. Martha’s approach plays on the same idea. If you focus on what you can’t do, can’t eat, can’t be, you’ll be stuck there and won’t even be aware of what you can do, can eat or can be.

Martha suggests that we have three aspects of our consciousness: the impulsive overeater in all of us is our Wild Child; the Dictator is the punishing, judgmental part. To really achieve Thinner Peace, you have to take the third way -- you have to be The Watcher. The Watcher expresses loving kindness toward the recklessness of the Wild Child as well as the demands of the Dictator, but asks "why" frequently. Why does the Wild Child want the ice cream sundae? Why is the Dictator punishing me for having a french fry? It's the Watcher who is forgiving, self-loving and self-nurturing. And in charge.

For most people, this shift away from having the Wild Child or Dictator rule the roost is a significant move. The reason your diet has not worked in the past is because you’ve been ruled by impulse or guilt. You have eaten to soothe your emotions. But under the Watcher, you can be in a loving, caring, responsible position. And the Watcher helps you lose weight because you are free to just be – and eat when your body tells you you’re hungry. If you’re sad, the Watcher will notice that and turn your attention to lifting your mood with something other than food.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the book, and a good indication of why I gush about Martha Beck: “Almost all of us assume there's only one way to lose weight: by willpower, by white-knuckle resistance, by forcing the body with an aggressive, adversarial, disciplinarian mind. This can be achieved sometimes, though not often. Maintaining it long-term? I don't think it can be done. I've seen numerous clients deploy incredible discipline, using their Dictator selves to trap, dominate, and starve their Wild Child selves. Losing weight this way is as draining as keeping a violent criminal pinned to the floor with sheer force. But even if you manage to do it, you can't hold your own Wild Child in a hammerlock for the rest of your life. The minute you get tired, distracted or sick, the Dictator loses control, and the Wild Child goes into a feeding frenzy.

"That's the whole reason I wrote this book. Simply going on a diet program, without changing your mental set, causes backlash and weight gain. This is an inevitable reality, based on the way our brains and bodies are designed. But if you use 4-day win techniques to become a Watcher and bring yourself to Thinner Peace, your brain changes, as well as your body. Weight loss happens without backlash or resistance."

Thinner Peace. Count me in. Because it's time for the war to stop.

Clarity of Purpose

I’ve been running into a lot of stressed out, tense people recently. They all seem to be singing that old refrain from The Guess Who, “I got, got, got, got no time.” And these are women who are at home with their kids! Add in office politics for those attempting to do both career and parenting, and you’ve got stratospheric stress levels.

Thank goodness you’re reading this today. Because this is for you stressed out souls – especially all you people who think asking for help is a sign of weakness. Ahem.

OK, I'll tell you how to live life with no tension, no stress. Lean into your computer screen and pretend I’m whispering this next part, just like Connie Chung.

Know why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Simple, huh?

Let’s look at it in action. In a typical week, Cheryl wakes up two mornings at 3:45am to get two of her kids to swim practice. She’s in a carpool so she only drives the kids to the pool one of those mornings. The other morning, she tries to go back to sleep but usually ends up oversleeping and wakes up just as the kids return from the pool. She wakes her third child, scrambles to get everyone fed, lunches made, homework in backpacks, then tears out of the house to make the early tutoring sessions scheduled for her kids. She has not showered nor has she had anything to eat.

While the kids are at school, she does laundry, walks the dog, goes to the grocery store, returns library books, shops for her elderly mother, volunteers at the kids’ schools (the three of them are in two different schools), and makes phone calls for a fundraiser. At 3pm, she races to school – late, again. One child goes to tennis, one to dance, the other to piano lessons. On Wednesdays, it’s karate, basketball and art. At 7pm Cheryl pulls out chicken nuggets and pasta for her kids and they begin two hours of homework. She checks all their work and corrects their mistakes. On Tuesday and Thursday nights the schedule changes when her oldest child has hockey practice. Dinner those nights is from a drive-thru, eaten in the back of the car. Cheryl’s husband comes home from work around 8:30pm, except for the nights he’s traveling or at his son’s hockey games.

At 10 pm, Cheryl gets her kids into bed and falls, half dead, into her own bed. Her husband, a night owl, stays up watching TV or surfing the Internet until 1am. At dawn the next day, it starts all over again.

Sound at all familiar? Should be. Because most of Cheryl’s friends are just like her.

Here's something I know to be true: where you put your attention will grow more important in your life. So where is Cheryl’s attention? On her kids. And we will all say, “Yep, your kids should be your Number One priority.” But friends, there’s priority and there’s over-focus.

That’s why having clarity of purpose is vital to living a happy life. When you read Cheryl’s story, what would you say is her priority? To be self-sacrificing, have no life of her own, and do everything for her children? ‘Cuz that’s what’s she’s doing. She’s not eating, not bathing, not really in much of a relationship with her husband. She’s got no time with friends, no hobbies, no passions.

Why would Cheryl do this?

Henri Nouwen, noted spiritual writer, suggested that busyness is our way to quiet the yearnings of our heart. It's often difficult for women to articulate their own needs or passions -- society sends a strong message that doing so is selfish and not womanly. Cheryl would tell you, after her second glass of wine, that she knows that she keeps busy so she won’t have to think about it. “If I look at why I do things, I might have to change something,” she’d acknowledge.

And we all know change is scary.

So, Cheryl stays purposefully busy – so she doesn’t have to think about what she wants, and nothing has to change. "Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty" wrote therapist Virginia Satir. And Cheryl would agree.

When Cheryl coasts, she takes the path of least resistance. She doesn’t have to ask her husband to be a partner (he might say no, he might think I'm not capable, he might leave, we might get divorced, what would people think?). She doesn’t have to give her children boundaries and limits (they might miss an opportunity to find something they’re good at, they might hate me, they might ridicule me, what would people think?). She doesn’t allow her children to be independent (it’s faster to do it myself, they won’t need me, I’ll have to get a job, I haven’t had a job for 12 years, I have no skills).

Cheryl’s decision tree goes something like this:

If I acknowledge what I feel, people will be mad --> they will leave me --> I will be all by myself --> I will die all alone --> I am not good enough for anyone to love --> I do not matter.

At the core of many of our actions is this thought: “I am so flawed that no one can possibly love me (I can’t even love myself).” So we attempt to cover our “flaws” thinking that if we move fast enough, and produce enough, our flaws are not going to be noticeable. Even to ourselves.

This is where coaching can really help. A good coaching relationship allows all you Cheryls (and Toms and Susans and Harolds) out there to take some time to look at who you are and why you do what you do. Unlike therapy (which I am a huge fan of, having logged plenty of my own couch time), coaching will help you take specific steps to move forward toward a new way of living. A therapist diagnoses and treats psychological problems, often looking at the past as a guide. It's very important and life changing work. As a matter of fact, I often work with clients who are simultaneously seeing a therapist – and it’s great! These people are usually very open to change and make terrific progress.

And, guess what? People have successfully changed their lives without alienating their children or divorcing their spouse! People get balance in their lives without losing anything important – just by focusing on what’s really important.

Knowing why you're doing what you're doing sounds so simple. But it requires honesty, openness and a willingness to change. You have to understand yourself so you can say no to that which keeps you stuck in a rut, and yes to that which brings you joy and allows you to grow.

What does it take to get out of your hectic and purposefully busy life? Again, it's simple.

It’ll start when you say to yourself, “I can’t go on like this anymore. This is not a fun, happy life” – that’s when you know it’s time to start making changes.

That, friends, is when you ask for help. That’s when you call me.