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As of July 7, 2009, this blog has moved to www.lifeframeworks.com. For those getting the feed, please switch to the new address! Thanks -- and see you over there. -- Michele

Meeting Sandra Day O'Connor

Let me tell you a little story. I have this friend Wendy. She's my sister-by-choice and one of our favorite things to do is to grab the golf clubs and walk 18 holes, chit-chatting before, after, and -- occasionally -- during shots. We've solved the global financial crisis, cured cancer and floated solutions to difficult international diplomatic challenges on our rambles down the fairways. I know her daddy, she knows mine, and we mourned the recent loss of her mother. Off the course, we have keys to each others houses.

And my kids call her "Aunt Wendy".

So one day Wendy and I were playing some golf late on an afternoon. As usual, we were walking the course, carrying our clubs over our shoulders. It's a good workout and allows us to play at a steady pace.

Now, one of the things a golfer must do is pay attention to the group ahead of her as well as anyone behind her. Courtesy requires that each group play with pace, so the entire course doesn't slow to a crawl.

On this particular day, the group ahead of us got slower and slower until Wendy and I were waiting in the fairway quite a bit. Soon, we noticed an older couple in a cart behind us playing fairly fast, and coming up quick.

The woman would hit every shot, and the man driving the cart would just get out to putt. Interesting play pattern, but the thing was, they were right on us, and would soon be waiting, too, further gumming up the course.

We we about to tee off on the 18th hole. I turned to Wendy: "I'm going to ask if they want to join us to play in." Wendy agreed, so I turned to call to the cart couple. The woman looked at me from about 25 feet and my heart stopped.

It was the first woman named to the U.S. Supreme Court. It was Sandra Day O'Connor. My voice squeaked when I turned to whisper to Wendy, "It's Justice O'Connor!" Wendy gave me the don't-be-a-wimp look, and I cleared my throat and said, "Would you all like to play up with us?"

She was delighted. Introductions all around. Small talk about the weather, the pace of play, the fiendish 15th hole. Then it was our turn to tee off.

Mr. O'Connor declined to tee off, so it was us gals up on the red tee. I can't recall the order, and it's not important. What's important is this:

Justice O'Connor hit her tee shot and I said, "Nice drive!" And she turned to me, looked directly in my eyes and said, "It was not. It's in the left rough."

And in that moment, she let me know who she is -- grounded, comfortable in her own skin, self-assured. And she let me know that what she expected from me -- truth, honesty, fair play -- was going to be what I would give her. It was pretty clear: Sandra Day O'Connor requires no sucking-up. No ego boosting. No sycophants.

I got the message. Believe me. Felt like a dope. I looked at her directly and said, simply, "Yes, Ma'am." I understood what she wanted from me, and I was going to give it.

I've had the good fortune to have spent plenty of time around famous people throughout my career. And obsequious sucking up does seem to be the lingua franca of celebrity. When Justice O'Connor said, in effect, "Don't play those celebrity games with me," I was relieved and inspired. What a woman.

What I took away from this brief exchange is this: real legends have no need for brainless yes-men or yes-women in their lives. They wouldn't be where they are if they had gathered people around them whose entire life purpose was to suck up to fame.

A few weeks ago I gave a free class for coaches which caused a stir when I suggested that there may be a time in your life when it's appropriate to stop seeking, so you can implement what it is you've found. I said, at some point, you leave the teacher because you are fully taught. That you have the courage to become your own Buddha.

This may be that time for you. If there is someone in your life who you are overly reliant on for your mood, or sense of self-worth -- or if you feel that you are always the one shouting "Good shot" even when the ball lands in the rough...

Maybe it's time to learn a small lesson from my story, and if you're not ready to be your own Buddha, maybe you can be your own Sandra Day O'Connor. And start to call 'em like you see 'em. Authentically. Clearly. Honestly.

On My Mind

Just some random thoughts...

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou still sounds pretty good to me.

A lot of stuff we spend time on just isn't that important. Think reality TV, for instance.

Wonder what the world would look like if every boss was a trained coach.

You know you have done an OK job parenting when see your children spontaneously do a kindness for a stranger.

If you're over 35, stop saying "I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up." You're doing it already. And if you don't like what you're doing, shut up and do something different.

It's possible to be tidy without being clean, and clean without being tidy.

You are the best expert on what makes you tick. Have the courage to be your own guru.

Happiness is not the absence of pain. Nor is it a reward for doing things right. You were born happy, and can return to happiness whenever you want by simply entering the slipstream of being.

My best summer memory has its own soundtrack.

Regardless of what you think, you are probably more than good enough.

Successful business strategy: Strive to serve repeat customers, rather than focus on one-hit wonders.

I am old enough to call anyone "darling" and "sugar" and get away with it.

Strangers are just people I haven't Twittered yet.

Looking back on my life, my single biggest regret may be that I didn't think up "Lady GaGa" first.

Democracy will always topple tyrants.

Remember when fashion was all big hair, big shoulder pads and big earrings? Someday, we'll look back at 2009 fashions and hoot with laughter, saying, "What was I thinking?"

The world is full of good people whose basic instinct is to help another person in need. I think you are one.

It is possible to re-wire your brain by examining your thoughts and changing them.

I have a great life. I'd say I'm lucky, but really it's more like I'm just letting the good stuff happen by staying out of my own way.

How about that?

To Know, Know, Know You

Want to get to know me?

I'm an ENTJ on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator -- my preference is to be an Extraverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judger (that last one means I like to decide, and decide now, thank you very much).

On the Kolbe Conative Strengths Index, I am a natural Fact Finder, followed closely by Quick Start. That means I will do the research but then want to get going (see "Judging" above).

The Clifton Strengths Finder indicates that my top strengths are: Strategic, Ideation, Activator, Communication, Input.

"Bunch of assessments, bunch of results. So what?" Hear this a lot from people. "Yeah, yeah. But just tell me what it is I'm supposed to do with my life."

Look, these assessments do serve to tell me more about you -- but, really... they're designed to tell you more about you.

Because one thing I know for sure: the more you know about yourself and your innate preferences, the more clear you are. When you are clear, you make better decisions. When you make better decisions, you're happier and more successful.

And who doesn't want that?

Some people resist assessments because they don't like being "put in a box" or "labelled". These people probably have very high preference toward Perceiving and I love them for sticking to their type. (That's a Myers-Briggs reference -- Perceivers just want to keep all of their options open. In the trade we call this their P-ness, which is a little Myers-Briggs joke. OK, a stupid Myers-Briggs joke, but there you have it.)

But when I see the lightbulb go off over someone's head when they realize they aren't wrong and they don't need to be fixed -- that, instead, they need to play to their innate preferences and solid strengths -- it's a highlight of my work.

I'm talking about the woman who berated herself for years for having to talk to think, until she realized that's the way she's wired. Or the man who shifted his continual "loser" self-talk as he realized that he just liked to be flexible and keep his options open (got in touch with his P-ness, yuk, yuk). Or the woman who, for the first time, figured out why she was so frustrated working for other people -- she has all the attributes of a CEO and needs to move toward that kind of role.

Accepting your preferences, strengths and talents, and then aligning your actions with what it is you do best, naturally, is the easiest and most efficient way toward success.

And when it comes down to it, knowing yourself -- inside and out -- and living authentically, P-ness and all (I couldn't help myself), will make you not only successful, but happy. And you'll do it the easy way -- by just being yourself.

How To Tell A Story

I've been thinking about story telling as I continue work on my forthcoming book. Stories are such powerful things. People certainly love listening to stories being told and telling stories themselves.

Most of all, folks seem to adore telling stories about themselves, which I find very revealing.

When someone tells me a story that goes something like this: "I can't _____ because _____," or "I'm not _____ because _____," I know they're stuck. They're probably telling a story about themselves that once may have been true but no longer really works. The old story holds them back, yet a new story seems unwritten and, perhaps, unwritable.

Hey, want to look at your personal narrative and figure out if the story you're telling about yourself is actually moving you toward something, or holding you back?

I sure do. Ready?

So what is the story you tell about yourself? [reader does a spewing spit take] "I don't tell a story, I just live my life," the reader says with indignation.

Uh-huh.

Take out a piece of paper and make two columns. Title the first column: Now Words. In that column write words to describe your life as it is right now.

Bored

Stressed

Stuck

Routine

Honest

Kind

Generous

Write as many describing words as you'd like. Then, title the second column, "Future Words" and start writing words that describe the life you want to have. You may carry Now Words into the Future Words column. For instance:

Honest

Kind

Generous

Happy

Fun

Loving

Creative

Now, here's where you change your personal narrative. Start consciously using your Future Words in your day-to-day life, and start taking actions that bring those words to life. So, if "creative" is a part of your future, what can you do today to create? Be very specific: "I can write 10 pages. I can solve a problem. I can work in my garden. I can throw a pot. I can paint." Name your creative thing, then go ahead and do it.

We can all make lists, friends. But not all of us are adept at putting our energy in the game and actually doing. All it takes to re-write your personal narrative is awareness of what you want, backed up by purposeful action.

When you pair that up, you'll find -- pretty soon -- that you're telling a new, happier story. I promise you, it will be one you'll enjoy telling so much more than the old version. Oh, and you'll be living a happier, more successful life.

That's my story, and I'm... well, you know the rest.

A New Normal

You want to know how to change.

You want to know how to serve your priorities and your values.

You want to know how to do stuff differently.

I know you want this, because you've told me. You say, "Why do I keep facing the same stuff all the time? Why can't I do things differently?"

Well, how about this: When normal's not working for you, just make a new normal.

Meredith is unhappy in her work. She has a boss who says one thing and does another, and the ground is always shifting beneath her feet. Her normal is stressful, unpleasant, unhappy and needs to change. She knows this.

However, there's this issue of the economy, and her deep-seated belief that she should be able to turn the situation around, and that she shouldn't walk away from a challenge, and that maybe she's doing something really, really wrong and there's no job that would be any different.

Her normal sucks.

But the way she's looking at the prospect of a new normal equally sucks.

Unless...

Unless she can change just one thing. One tiny little thing. Toward a new way of being. Toward a new perspective. Toward a new normal.

Like, maybe, starting with a difficult conversation with her mercurial boss. Maybe, just maybe, calling him out on his inconsistencies. In a productive and collegial way, of course. By doing this one little thing, she'll shift her quiet, don't rock the boat, please-please-like-me normal into something a little stronger, a little prouder, a little better.

A new, happier, normal.

One area many clients have difficulty with is having difficult conversations. Does just reading that make your teeth grind? OK, difficult conversations are... difficult. Speaking up can be hard. Saying something that might, possibly hurt someone's feelings is so scary that many of us avoid saying anything.

And we internalize those icky emotions and end up all sick and unhappy and psychically smoooshed.

But when we create a new normal -- a normal where we say what's hard when it's just a little bit hard, rather than waiting until until it's big time hard -- we break the old patterns and create a new way of handling "hard".

Habits are tough to break, mostly because they feel so known and, therefore, feel rather safe. A new normal can seem impossible to get, because we're so familiar with what we've got.

Got to open your eyes to the possibilities, darlings, and dare to live a new normal. Because the payoff is big. The payoff is a life of your own design, doing things you like doing, with people you enjoy.

Change is possible, and good. Happiness is attainable. Hey, happiness -- it's your new normal.

Do Less, Get More

I am having a great time giving stuff away. Last March you told me you wanted free stuff, so I started offering a free coaching class every month. And it's been so energizing for me! (I 'get' by giving -- pretty cool.) Last Friday, I talked about one of my favorite topics, "Do Less, Get More". Through the magic of modern technology, you can listen to the recording here:

Something interesting came up in the class, and I want to elaborate on it. We've always been told that "to make sound decisions, people must consciously, deliberately, weigh their options", but, surprisingly, that strategy only works with the simplest problems. Tough choices -- you need to go with your gut, and be less conscious. For more on this interesting concept, read this new study from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University.

It's weird to think that big decisions need the least deliberation, isn't it? But, it's all about where you're putting your time and energy. You may know that I have the 100 Units of Energy Theory -- you have 100 units of energy to spend each day. No more, no less. Can't use yesterday's because they're gone, and you can't borrow from tomorrow's because they belong to tomorrow.

You got 100. How you use them is up to you.

And here's how you do less and get more: if you're agonizing over a complex decision -- using, say 75 units of energy a day on it... for weeks -- then shift into unconscious thought and just make a choice. The research shows that you'll likely make an excellent decision, and you'll free up tons of energy to do other things.

Do (worry) less, get more done.

What about the office? How do you do less when there's so much to do?

This is going to sound counter-intuitive, I admit it. But to be more effective at work, you also need to be less conscious. In fact, what you need to do is care less.

The odd paradox is that when people have a crisis like an illness, or an outside interest like a fundraiser, sports tournament, or college search, their performance at work often improves. It's in these periods that we use our time wisely, meet our objectives and serve our priorities.

We allocate our energy units effectively.

And feel really good about our lives.

So, if you are swamped and feel like there is too much to do and not enough time... focus on your priorities, make good, unconscious decisions, and you will find that you are able to do less, and get much, much more.

The Crisis of Self-Confidence

Seems to me that people are feeling kinda uncertain. Maybe unsure. Sorta like they have, well, y'know, no self-confidence. But I could be wrong. I dunno. What do you think?

Self-confidence is one of the top reasons people seek a coach, according to a new survey from the International Coach Federation. I have to tell you, I found this rather surprising -- my clients come to me to work out a job search, or figure out how to have those difficult conversations, or get clear on handling their challenges. Don't think I've ever had anyone come to me to say, "Help me grow my self-confidence."

But when I think about it, increased self-confidence is definitely a by-product of the coaching process. And it's my aim to help people figure stuff out so thoroughly that they have the confidence to coach themselves.

The move toward greater self-confidence can be tricky. When you've lived with "I can't" for so long, "I can" might feel impossible. In that case, it's often enough to start with teeny-tiny goals that are meet-able, and grow confidence slowly and surely.

And then there's the "jump out of an airplane" kind of confidence boosting. You know, the kind of challenge where you tell yourself, "Hey, if I can do THAT, then I can do ANYTHING."

But let me tell you about a third way.

What would you like to have, or be, or do? You want to be healthier? OK. Here's what you do: You act the way a healthy person would act.

That's it.

When faced with a choice about what to eat, you choose what the healthy person would choose. Exercise or not? What would a healthy person do? See a doctor?

You know the answer.

And, guess what? This small shift will make a profound change in your overall health. In just a short period of time, you won't have to ask what a healthy person would choose -- you just have to choose what you would choose. Because you are the healthy person.

Another example? You want to be financially secure. Then, how would a financially secure person make money choices? How would she spend? Save? Invest?

My friend calls this "act as-if". While another pal calls it, "fake it 'til you make it." Either way, it's a useful tool for making progress toward getting what you want. Which is a huge self-confidence booster.

Two things to consider when using this approach. First, if you can't see yourself as someone who's healthy, or financially stable, then you may find yourself unable to act as a healthy person might act. To attack this limitation, focus on the potential positive outcome -- remember Change or Die? What's something great that will happen when you're living healthier? Focus on that. Eyes on the prize.

Second, other people in your life may not want to see you change, because they might think that they will have to change, too. While your change can be an excellent opportunity for group self-confidence boosting, sometimes fear of the unknown will cause people we love to act like complete jerks. See my friend Martha Beck's terrific article from O! Magazine about dealing with the "change back attack" .

Bottom line? You have every right to have whatever you want in your life. You have the power to lose weight. To find love. To de-clutter. To save money. (Gosh, what a great title for a book!) Little old you. You can do it. And if you have to fake it 'til you make it, that's OK. Better than OK -- it's great. And I have every confidence that you'll do it.

Mother's Day

This column first appeared on Mother's Day, 2007. Enjoy!

Today is Mother's Day. I was surprised to learn that Mother's Day is celebrated on this very day in over 50 countries. Everywhere, mothers are being pampered, fussed over and adored.

As I expect I will be. As someone's mother myself, I will likely get the traditional breakfast in bed -- the surprise of finding shells in my scrambled eggs is one of life's delights. A surprise that goes exceedingly well with toast and jelly. Especially when made with love by the hands of my children.

But when it comes down to it, I'm not much of a special occasion kinda gal. Sometimes the forced, greeting card nature of a "special day" feels less than special.

So, I have a plan.

I move we dump this holiday and every other single holiday we celebrate during the year.

Yep. That's right. I'm suggesting we have no Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Passover, Easter, Yom Kippur or any other occasion we observe.

Including birthdays.

Oh, don't panic -- we'll celebrate each one. But we'll celebrate every single day.

If every day were Thanksgiving, we'd live as grateful people, surrounded by family and friends, keenly aware of the abundance in our lives.

If every day were Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, we'd immediately apologize for our mistakes and quickly reconcile our differences.

If every day were Valentine's Day, we'd pay special attention to those we love.

If every day were Memorial Day, we'd take time to honor the service and sacrifice of our veterans, soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines, and their families.

If every day were Easter, we'd be filled with awe for resurrection and the possibility of renewal in our own lives.

If every day were Christmas, joy and wonder would permeate our lives.

If every day were Labor Day, we'd celebrate how we do our work, and make it a source of pride.

If every day was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, we'd remember to judge people on the content of their character and not the color of their skin.

If every day were your birthday, you'd feel special, and honored and loved.

And, if every day were Mother's Day, all mothers would feel valued, honored and respected by both their families and society -- 356 days a year.

Imagine the richness of your life if it were filled with the holiday spirit every day of the year. What could you do? What could you have? Who could you be? Joyful, conscious, loving, living with abundance and open to the wonders of the world?

That would certainly be worth celebrating.

Out On A Limb

Wow, this feels big. I mean, just saying it out loud.

Deep breath.

Here goes: I have started writing another book.

There. Now it's out and I'm on the record and have made a promise.

You're my witnesses and I can't back out now.

What I'm attempting to do with this book is tell the story of one coaching client, blending fiction and self-help so that any reader can use the tools to help themselves learn and grow. And any coach or would-be coach can get insight and instruction about how a coaching practice really works. And, with any luck, the story will be compelling enough that a general reader will enjoy it, too.

What's the emoticon for happy/excited/yippee? Because that's how I feel about writing this book. It's an absolute joy -- which is how I know it's right.

OK, I've only just finished the first chapter, and, true to form, on the re-reading one line presented itself for further inquiry. When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got some immediate, strong reaction, so I thought I would write about it today.

"So many of us spend time seeking that we don’t stop to enjoy what we’ve already found."

Know what I mean?

It's like spending six months planning your wedding, and when that happily anticipated day comes, you're totally focused on...the honeymoon.

Or sitting in a weekend personal development workshop, perusing the catalogue to see...what workshop you can do next.

Or, the family joke, eating breakfast while discussing...what's for lunch.

Brings up a couple of ideas I've written about before. Remember Here But Not Here? How using a cell phone or Blackberry conveniently keeps you from being present right here, right now?

And even last week's 3 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way. We are foursquare in our own way when we're so busy seeking the next great thing that we can't appreciate what's right in front of us.

Because seeking means we're looking ahead. We're looking somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Raising your hand and saying, "Absent."

It takes being fully present to fully enjoy what you've created. When you create, then drop your creation in favor of something new, what you are actually creating is a never-ending cycle of never being satisfied.

That's being driven, most certainly. Icky driven.

So, dare to be present. Dare to say, "Hmmmn. This feels great. Think I'll be here right now and...enjoy."

Enjoyment. What a concept. A very happy concept.

Like writing a book, if you ask me. And so I bring it around to the beginning. I'm writing a new book, and I thank you for being my virtual accountability buddies. It's going to be fun, anything but icky, and I'm glad you're along with me to enjoy the ride.

3 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way

People ask me how I write these columns every week. Well, I'll tell you: sometimes I have a plan, and sometimes the plan goes out the window in favor of an idea that keeps popping up.

If it keeps popping, I start writing.

And so it was this week. The thing that kept popping up? "Michele, how can I get out of my own way?"

Excellent question. Good news: I've got three ways for you to start.

First, figure out why you're making things harder than they have to be. Is it because someone once told you that anything worth getting requires a struggle? The Anxious Struggler zeitgeist runs through popular culture. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl, boy triumphs over adversity (and her initial disinterest), boy gets girl. See how the struggle pays off there? [except, of course, in the TV Show "The Bachelor", where it appears a boy can go through the whole "get the girl" scenario, dump her and get another girl, thereby adding to the struggle, emotion and pathos. I'm just sayin'.]

In my experience, people often create more of a struggle than there really needs to be just to satisfy widely held cultural values around struggle. When, in fact, the things that are often best for us are those things that come easily. In a spiritual context, many faiths talk about allowing, submitting and being open. When you are open to the gifts already there for you, you don't need to struggle. You can just receive. Nice idea, huh?

So, to really get out of your own way, drop the struggle and take the most fluid, joyful, easy path. Which leads to the second tip...

Center in your strengths. You may have heard me say this once or twice before...but if you are an excellent writer, why work in a field where you never write? If you are great with people, why work solo in a lab? If you can sing, why not do it?

"Nobody will pay me for what I'm good at," is something I often hear. Which is an excellent example of someone being in his own way. Your expertise is always valued. But first it has to be valued by you. It's funny that what comes easily to us is often the thing we discount the most. Sure, to live in your strengths you may have shift the way you benchmark your success. If you go from being a Wall Streeter to running a hospice center, you will probably take a pay cut. But you will definitely get the bonus of doing something that matters and has meaning. Priceless.

When you center every day in your strengths, you are absolutely in the flow. Life is effortless. Plus, it's really, really fun.

Third thing you can do to get out of your own way? Listen to your intuition. OK, I know that many of us are Just The Facts, Ma'am kinda folks. And you all are rarely in your own way, if you want to know the truth, because you see the facts and decide and move on. It's us intuitive people who think and re-think, and mull and ponder, and see a zillion options and maybes and might-possibly-happens and get in our own way because it can't possibly be that easy, can it, I mean, got a minute to let me run this by you, what do you think?

Sound familiar?

Did to me. Until I did one little exercise. I wrote down every time I'd had an intuition about something and turned out to be right. I also wrote down every time I'd had intuitive guidance and did the opposite of what my gut told me. Figured out the consequences of those choices right then and there and realized: My gut is almost always right. Like 95% right.

So, now, I stay out of my own way primarily by listening to my gut and letting it lead me. Sure, sometimes I give myself the 24 Hour Rule: I wait 24 hours and if the gut feeling is still there, I go ahead and do whatever needs doing. If, in 24 hours, I feel icky -- I don't do whatever. I just move on.

And, I'm out of my own way a lot of the time. But it's not just me -- it's plenty of other people, too, who manage to stay out of their own way. They do just three simple things. 1.) Challenge your thoughts about the value of struggle. 2.) Center in your strengths. 3.) Listen to your gut.

When you're out of your own way, you'll find that great stuff will happen. You'll have happy effortlessness in your life.

The MacGyver Approach

Know what? I really don't like stress. It makes me sick. Literally. So, I am doing my best to eliminate every ounce of stress from my life.

A great definition of stress is feeling like you lack the tools required to do that which is asked of you. Think about that. I lack the tool of time, so I'm stressed on the commute to work. I lack the tool of money, so I'm stressed about sending my kid to college. I lack the tool of expert knowledge on a specific subject, so I'm stressed about being seen as a dope.

So, if it's stressful for me to think that I lack the right tools, then the opposite, unstressful thought is: I have everything, or can get anything, I need to get this job done. I am always doing my best.

Yes, I am freakin' MacGyver.

MacGyver was the resourceful secret agent on the 80s TV show of the same name who could solve any problem with spit, a toilet paper roll, three paper clips and a shoelace. Great stuff. And he never lost his cool. Maybe he knew he could always pull out some kind of solution and foil the bad guys. Loved that.

Over time, I've realized that, like MacGyver, I always have some kind of tool I can use in some way in any given situation. Even if that tool is simply asking a question, like, "Can you help?" Yeah, I can do that.

After years of self-flagellation where I told myself how often I fell short, I've changed. Now I know that I am always doing my best with the tools I've got on hand, even if the outcome is less than, or different from, what I anticipated at the outset.

Mindbender, huh? Contrary to everything you've learned, right? How often have you heard (or said), "You could have done better." Just writing that sentence makes me feel like someone is staring at me, hard, over a pair of intimidating spectacles. "You could have done better." Sure reinforces the idea that I'm a loser.

Yet, I might have had zero support -- no extra hands -- to do what needed doing. We can dwell on what the outcome could have been if I'd had some help... but when I acknowledge that what happened was due to the resources at hand, I can see that I did my absolute best with what I was given. And if this points out that I need to learn to ask for help, I can focus there -- and get the tool I need for the future.

I might not have enough money to execute in the "proper" way -- today, many of us are having to adjust to tight budgets and limited funds -- but when I carp and complain about what might have been if I'd had enough money, I neglect what's really real. And what's real is what I've been able to actually accomplish with the money that's available.

And, when I'm honest, sometimes the tool I lack is the physical oomph to get done what needs doing. I could say to myself, "Well, if only I'd gotten a better night's sleep," or "if only I didn't have cancer," or "if only I lost 20 pounds," I visualize a different outcome that the one that really happened. That's when I step into fantasy land.

Because it's an unreal, possibly impossible outcome I'd be imagining. The outcome that happened is what happened. Dwelling on anything else is dwelling in fantasy. And inviting stress to come along for the ride.

When I know that am always doing my best, I can accept that some days I produce more, differently or better than other days. That's just the way it is. But every outcome is always the best possible outcome given the tools I have at hand.

When I know I am always doing my best, I can also figure you are likewise doing your best. And that gives me the freedom to not be stressed about it -- my job just may be helping you find the tools you need to do it differently.

Shift your thinking on this one, dear readers, and not only will your stress level plummet, but you'll find that what you do becomes better and easier. Why? Because you already know it's going to be your best. And like MacGyver, you'll be amazed at what can be accomplished with just the tools you have at hand.

Meeting Faith

I met Faith on an airplane.

She settled in next to me and when I introduced myself and held out my hand, she took it saying, "Wow, that's so polite. I'm Faith."

For those of you who have always wondered, how did Faith look? Like a walking goddess -- you know, like JLo, without the attitude.

Now I could go all allegorical on you and imagine some deep and meaningful conversation with Faith...

But I really did meet Faith. And she's a PhD candidate at Northwestern University in Chicago. Young and vibrant, Faith turned out to be wise beyond her years. And we had a surprisingly deep and meaningful conversation on our hour plus some flight from Chicago to DC the other day.

I walked away from meeting Faith with more faith, and that's what I want to tell you about.

Faith comes from a family that didn't have many things, and couldn't provide Faith with many opportunities. But a great one fell in her lap when she was 14 -- she got assigned a Big Sister.

This Big Sister inspired Faith, coached Faith, believed in Faith.

So Faith decided to try getting into a college, something that no one in her family had ever done.

And she got in.

And excelled.

And kept going.

And now Faith is a PhD candidate who hopes to use her training to help the community she came from.

She's got vision, she's got direction, and she's got hope.

She's Faith.

Our conversation was so powerful that I noticed the people across the aisle straining to catch our chat. What did we discuss? We talked about fears, and redefining oneself. We talked about what it's like to be highly educated in a family made up of people who are not. We talked about how relationships work and how they fall apart. We talked about what women need to do to preserve their identities and their options while in relationships. We talked about books that have been important to our lives, and meaningful quotes. We talked about the past and we talked about the future. We talked about what we believe about the world. We talked about faith.

The plane touched down and we left each other with a smile and a wave. And as Faith walked away, down the airport hallway toward whatever's next for her, I said a little prayer of thanksgiving. Thanks to that Big Sister who reached a hand out to a promising young girl, and thanks to all the other hands that have helped her along the way. Thanks to Faith who could have made other choices about the direction of her life but hasn't. And thanks to Providence for placing us side-by-side on that airplane.

Because I walked away from my meeting with Faith renewed, restored and hopeful. Meeting Faith helped me remember that people touch people in the most unexpected and important ways. That people, by and large, are good and generous. That strangers are simply friends I haven't met yet.

Yes, I met Faith on an airplane. Where I least expected her. Which just might be the most important lesson of all.

Change or Die

Being stuck stinks. You're stuck when you know you can't stay where you are but you don't exactly know where to go. It's like running on a treadmill covered in molasses -- slow and sticky. And you're forever running in place.

Why do we get stuck at all? Why can't we rational human beings simply decide to do this, that or the other thing and get a move on?

Ah, if only it were that simple.

A few years ago I read a fascinating article in Fast Company magazine called "Change or Die", and it's been really helpful in so many ways. It gave me insight into something important: people stay stuck in situations that aren't good for them because they can't see how making a change will lead to anything positive.

Let's look at wellness. The bulk of medical expenses come from five lifestyle habits -- smoking, drinking, eating, stress and not enough exercise. Most doctors tell patients "make changes in these areas, or you will die". But in a few months or years the patient goes back to the bad old habits that brought on the trouble in the first place. We know what's good for us, but we just don't do it. Why?

"Change or Die" cites the work of Dr. Dean Ornish, who has achieved remarkable long-term results by taking a different approach with heart patients:

"Doctors had been trying to motivate patients mainly with the fear of death, he says, and that simply wasn't working. For a few weeks after a heart attack, patients were scared enough to do whatever their doctors said. But death was just too frightening to think about, so their denial would return, and they'd go back to their old ways.

"The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles. 'Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating,' Ornish says. 'Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?'

"So instead of trying to motivate them with the 'fear of dying,' Ornish reframes the issue.He inspires a new vision of the 'joy of living' -- convincing them they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. 'Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear,' he says."

This approach makes a difference for my clients. And it can for you, too. Simply look for a positive motivator -- and believe it's possible to achieve -- and stuckness disappears.

Rather than focus on how alone you'll be when that cheating boyfriend is out of your life, think about how wonderful it will be to find a loyal and faithful partner. Rather than beat yourself up for not losing weight, think about all you will be able to do when you're healthier. Rather than dwell on how horrible it was to be fired, consider how great it will be to get a paycheck again.

Hey, if you're stuck in some area of your life, here's your homework: take out a piece of paper. Write one sentence about where you're stuck. Then write down what the happy outcome will be when you get unstuck. Shift it, baby. Then hold on to that positive glimmer and make a couple of teeny-tiny steps every day directly toward it.

It's not "change or die", my darlings, it's "change and be happy". And I'm here to tell you -- it's completely possible.

Centered Enthusiasm

I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It's an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it's spring that's doing it. There's that moment in winter -- some bitter Tuesday in February -- when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that's what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday's free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you'd like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 "Be with positive people" prompted a couple of questions -- how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you're not even aware of their negativity -- because they're your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who's negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down -- they're likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side -- they're likely negative. If they use a lot of words like "can't", "won't" and "shouldn't" -- negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. "My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?" you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos -- simply say, "Gosh, sounds like you're really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I'm going to go into the next room, and when you're ready to talk calmly, come get me." Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I'd sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I'm standing in front of a bear. Ain't no bear in the neighborhood, but I'm behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I'll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you're surrounded on every side by negativity, all you'll see is the bad. You'll never see the happy buds of spring, you'll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I'm going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call "centered enthusiasm" -- I know what's going on in my world, and I'm still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don't you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn't shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead -- allow the unfurling to begin.

We're All In This Together

Double bubble, toil and trouble. Anger, maybe even rage, disbelief, uncertainty, anxiety -- there's a potent brew boiling around our country today, and I want to understand it.

From what I've gathered, the question is: If you run a multi-billion dollar company into the ground, and threaten the financial well-being of the entire global community, should you be given multi-million dollar bonuses?

Or, maybe the question is: Why should people who live within their means have to foot the bill for people who spent money they didn't have on stuff they didn't need?

Or could be the question really be: Are we all in this together, or what?

Back in 2004, I had the opportunity to organize President Reagan's State Funeral. As the funeral procession snaked its way from the hilltop National Cathedral through the city to Andrews Air Force Base, I saw people of all colors and stripes thronging the streets. Hands over hearts, paying respects -- didn't matter if they wore a pin-striped suit up in Northwest DC, or cutoffs and tube tops down in Southeast -- people turned out that summer day to honor a man some of them never even agreed with.

I distinctly remember thinking: people wanted to belong to something.

We had felt it before, on September 12, 2001. Remember that day? After the immediate shock and horror and loss, people were really nice to one another. We made eye contact. We held doors open. We talked with strangers. We even let people go in front of us in traffic. We were experiencing something big, and scary, and unexpected -- but we were experiencing it together.

For a period of time our country really was a kinder, gentler place.

My seventh grade daughter is studying World War II in social studies. She asked, "What was the war like for our family?" I told her about all my uncles that served, and how five of her great-grandmother's brothers had served at the same time. I told her about Gold Star Mothers. I told her how people saved bacon grease and salvaged scrap metal to help the war effort. I told her about rationing and about Rosie the Riveter.

I told her how everyone worked together, united in common purpose to make it through a very difficult time.

How to describe the feeling when the light bulb goes off? Pop! - it hit me: the problem today is that some of us are sacrificing -- we've made cuts in our spending, we're living below our means, we're responsible with our lives -- and some are not. The bonus-paying bankrupt companies and the bonus-receiving misguided executives? The foreclosure flippers? Doesn't appear that they are sacrificing, or are making plans any time soon to change their frame of reference.

It's a scary time and we're simply not in this together. And that bothers us.

Because when times are tough, the American people want to belong to something bigger than themselves, like the war effort in World War II. We want our sacrifices to be worth something. We want to share the uncertainty and worry. We want to save bacon grease and send it where it can best be used. We will use ration cards.

But we want rationing to be fair. And we want to save our bacon grease for a purpose, not just to serve some public relations ploy designed by politicians and spinmeisters.

Let me tell you, the politician who taps into this national zeitgeist will find himself, or herself, riding the crest of a new wave of American political life.

But until that Mayor or Senator or Governor or Congressman wakes up and sees that business-as-usual is no longer the way business is being done; until that politician realizes that greed is no longer the driver of anything worth having; until that politican understands that the American people are smarter and more resilient than they're given credit for -- there's only one thing for you and me to do.

We'll do it ourselves. We will lead our leaders. We'll say no to pork-barrel spending and yes to spending that creates jobs and opportunities, or helps the most vulnerable among us. We will create our own sense of purpose and involve our community, by simple things like having potluck suppers with the neighbors, or cleaning up a local creek, or working in a community kitchen, or donating to micro-finance efforts to help people start businesses.

If belonging is what we want, belonging is what we will create. We'll be in this together. And when we step up and show the way, believe me, our leaders will just have one choice to make: follow, or get out of the way.

That's what I understand. How about you?

Survey Says!

Thanks to everyone who responded to my survey in the last couple of weeks. If you haven't had the chance yet, and would like to give me your two cents -- Michele Woodward's Survey.

The results so far have been extremely helpful. I have a good sense of what you like, and what you'd like more of. And I'm going to give it to you.

First, you want more free stuff.

To that end, I'm going to start offering a free class every month via conference call. The first one will be on managing your anxiety around the economy, your job, and the future. I think I will call it "Yikes! What's Going On With the Economy!"(working title, natch) Scheduled for noon (eastern) Friday, March 27th, you can access the call by dialing 712/941-0216 and enter PIN 987411.

I'll explain some ideas, teach some practical coping tools, then we'll have time for you to ask me any question you've got on your mind.

Think it's going to be great.

Second, you want some lower cost stuff.

To that end, I'll throw this out there. I love doing small group coaching. Love, love, love it. So if you have a group of people who are all facing the same kinds of issues -- going back to work, starting a business, looking for a job, facing an empty nest, reinventing lives -- think about forming a coaching group. I will facilitate, teach, lead, design the program, and be the coach to everyone. It's a cost-effective way to get moving forward, with the added benefit of moving forward with supportive, like-minded people.

If you build it, I will come.

In the next six weeks, I'm going to a trade association, a law firm, a women's group, a mom's group at a church, and maybe to a hedge fund company, to give presentations and classes. Several survey respondents said they wished I had more in-person classes they could attend.

I'd love that, too.

Problem is -- space. So, if you have space and would like to host a series of classes, let me know. I'd love to offer this kind of service.

And, speaking of service, in response to several of you, I'm offering a special package to help you prepare for job interviews or performance reviews. Quick, focused, to-the-point coaching sessions and you'll walk into the meeting prepared for success. If you're at the place where you want to have an edge that puts you over the top, this package may just be the thing for you. Call me.

I'm going to continue to offer book recommendations, because everyone seems to enjoy those. Even me! And you gave me some great insight into other blog topics you want to see. Know what the most popular topic is? Getting clear on priorities. I promise we'll do work on that in the months to come.

One great suggestion that I'd also like to implement -- you know I love connecting people to other people, to things or to ideas that help them solve their problems. So how about this nifty idea? If you have a product or a service that might be useful or interesting to other readers, let me know. I'm going to make that a new feature in upcoming newsletters.

So, lots of great changes as a result of your thoughtful input. I really appreciate the time you took and the generosity of spirit you each showed. Thanks to you, I can do more of what I'm good at -- on terms that mean more to you.

Can't get much better than that.

Make A Referral Week

I am an unabashed, unapologetic proponent of small businesses. And I'm afraid that amid the hullabaloo about stimulus packages and corporate bailouts, insufficient attention has been paid to the real engine of our global economy -- small businesses.

Until John Jantsch. Yep, John. The dude who started Duct Tape Marketing. John has declared March 9 -13, 2009 as Make A Referral Week. John's goal: to generate 1000 referrals to small business during the week -- thereby creating a bunch of money for a bunch of people. A grassroots wave of generosity. A tsunami of stimulus.

Hell yes, I'm participating. I just love this idea. It's something I can do at a time when there doesn't feel like much I can do. And I'll bet that between you and me and all my other readers, we can generate 1000 referrals all by ourselves. Won't you join me by making a pledge to refer one person to another person this week? It's equally as valuable to ask for a referral during the week, too, so if you need something all you have to do is ask. I, for one, am happy to oblige.

How often have you said, "I just don't have enough time to..."? Or, "there just aren't enough hours in the day"? You've got a lot to do, I've got a lot to do, Aunt Tilly has a lot to do. Add in the grim financial realities many of us face, and not only is there not enough time -- but there's not enough money.

Let me expose you to a bit of counter-intuitive thinking. When you lack time or money to get stuff done, what's the best thing you can possibly do? No, you can't squeeze three more hours out of the day. Nice try.

No, when you don't have enough time or money, the thing to do is to delegate. To outsource the thing that takes up your time and attention so you can free up the time to focus on making money.

Sure, this is clear if you're a business owner -- I get someone to take care of my taxes, for instance, so I can use that time to sell more services. But it's just as true that salaried people need to delegate. When you delegate, you make the space to focus on your priorities. And when you make progress on your priorities (and do what your boss thinks is important), you'll perform at the top of your game, leading to raises, bonuses and promotions.

And the best part of delegating is getting great help -- finding someone experienced and trustworthy and talented -- to take some of your load off. That's the point of asking for a referral, by the way.

Little niggling voice: "But I should do it all myself. I'm going to look weak if I delegate. People like me don't hire people to do work we can do ourselves." Go ahead. Hold onto that mindset. And continue to lack enough time or enough money. Your choice.

When it's humming on all cylinders, the referral game goes both ways. I benefit when someone refers me work, and I benefit when I refer work to others. How? I have to tell you, when I give a recommendation to someone -- "here, hire this person. You won't be sorry" -- there's no feeling like it in the world. It sparks a recognition in me that I live in a great, generous place where good things happen for me, and I help good things happen for others. Goes a long way toward zapping those nasty Recession Blues.

Yep, I thoroughly love making referrals and I'm going to be making gobs of them this week. Got some time? I think I'm going to be referring you.

The Absence Of Perfect - Part 2

Back in 2007, I wrote about what to do in the Absence Of Perfect. What do you do when the perfect solution you have in mind is just not gonna happen?

You can hold on to your idea of "perfect" or, as I suggest, you can ask yourself, "what's my best option right now?"

There's so much uncertainty in life these days, and just like you I'm feeling it. In my perfect world, everyone who wanted a job would have a good one. We'd all make our mortgage payments and guys like Bernie Madoff would be responsible stewards of other people's money.

Yep, in my perfect world, you and I wouldn't worry about paying for food, or juggling bills, or managing prescriptions, or getting shingles replaced on the roof because there would always be enough of everything for everyone.

A Michele-ian utopia.

But right now perfect is not happening.

So what's our best option? Well, we could wallow, which is an oft-chosen yet quite unproductive option, or we could do something. I, as you regular readers can imagine, am taking the "do something" approach:

1. Honoring my priorities -- which means mortgage, mortgage, mortgage. It's my intention to pay it first, and attend to other obligations from there. Prioritizing my mortgage means that I am also watching refinancing opportunities like a hawk, and will jump just as soon as I possibly can. This works for me as I plan to stay in my house indefinitely. Well, at least until my kids can get in-state tuition at one of the great universities in Virginia. Or until the Redskins win another Super Bowl. Didn't I say "indefinitely"?

2. Take on no new debt -- which means no big spending. I'd been considering post-graduate studies, and that is now officially on hold. Here's my rule of thumb: If I can pay for it fully in cash, or pay it off in three months, I will do it. If not, I'm shoving it to the back burner.

3. Pay down my debt -- which may mean that I don't have as much cash on hand as the so-called experts suggest but when I have less debt, I will have more cash flow, allowing me to build up my cash reserves quickly. Feels right to me.

4. Doing what I can to increase my income -- which means I've developed some great new programs. I have The Results Club for job seekers with my colleague Christina Brandt -- a phenomenally gifted Master Coach -- and we're working together on a useful e-book called Finding a Job 2.0. I'm also working with Pam Slim, an insightful and humorous writer and Master Coach, to launch Kick-Ass Mentoring this week, which will help coaches move from stuck to success. Both of these programs are so good that I get goose bumps. All these efforts will (cross your fingers) bring in revenue and more easily help me attend to numbers 1-3 above.

Oh, I hear you. You government employees, corporate citizens, teachers and other blokes who have steady employment -- "How can I make more money? I'm on a salary." Yes, you are. And you can be like the happy young teacher I met the other day, who is working as a waitress on the weekends, AND creating memorable art-themed birthday parties for kids in her spare time around classes. Quite the go-getter.

The question for you may be, How can you go get? What can you do? I'm telling you -- I feel good that I'm doing something. I have a plan. I have priorities. Which is my best option, given that so much is beyond my control.

If you're freaked out about what's happening now -- if your reality of layoffs and tight budgets doesn't meet your idea of perfection -- then take a little step back and ask yourself, "OK, what's my best option here?" What can you do?

Living on the Contribution Side

On Friday, I had a little issue. Big wind storm. Cable out, internet out, phone out. Followed the maze of my provider's complicated customer service system only to find out that the problem was not with them, but with me. Turns out I had a surge, knocking out the power to the main box.

OK. Called an electrical repair firm that has done work with me before. Asked if someone could come out that day to repair the problematic power outlet. Simple enough request, huh?

Uh-uh. No, the young receptionist quickly told me three different reasons why she didn't want my business. One: "We don't do anything with phones." (You're not listening. It's not my phone, it's a power outlet.) Two: "We don't work in your area today." (Your office is half a mile from my house.) And, Three, after I succinctly asked, "So, you're telling me that there is no possible way to get someone out to my house today?": "Well, you wouldn't want to pay the emergency rate." (Her tone said, "Only idiots would pay that.")

Yes, as a matter of fact I am exactly the kind of idiot who will consider the emergency rate. Which was $97. About $30 more than a regular visit.

Worth it to me.

Maybe not worth it to her.

It's that idea -- "I wouldn't, so why would you?" -- that keeps us from opportunities. It reflects a lack of confidence, maybe. Or a lack of appreciation. Or it's a self-esteem thing. Or a self-centeredness thing. Regardless, there's a fear there, and it's probably the fear of being told no.

If I say, "You wouldn't want to..." and you end up taking my suggestion -- why, you're actually agreeing with me. Ha, ha! I win!

But I really lose. I lose a customer, I lose a job, I lose confidence.

I seem to be doing a lot of work these days prepping people for job interviews and performance appraisals. Imagine going into one of these settings and saying, "You wouldn't want to hire me, would you?" Or, "You don't want to promote me, do you?" But if you have the idea "I wouldn't hire/promote me" in your mind, you utterly telegraph that losing message. And you don't get hired, or promoted. You just stay stuck.

Yet this is how many people approach life. Negative rather than positive. Subtraction rather than contribution.

Let me tell you, living life on the contribution side -- focusing solely on how you can help in the given situation -- fundamentally shifts everything.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if that young receptionist had listened carefully and said, "Sounds like you need an electrician. Our regular appointments are all booked up today, but we have an emergency system that might just be perfect for you. It's just $30 more for the first half hour, and I could send someone over after 4pm. How's that sound?"

See how she might have made it easy for me? See how she could have told me how she could fix my problem, rather than focus on how she couldn't?

It's all a matter of attitude. And language that clearly states how you can help. How are you doing on that? If you find yourself living in the negative, come on over to the contribution side. It's nice here.

Because when you live on the contribution side, you make it easy for people to work with you, and to like you. And to pay you. When you live on the contribution side, you are focusing on what can happen, rather than what can't.

When you live on the contribution side, life becomes about opening rather than closing. And know what's opening? It's you. You're opening to good things happening in your life. And you can start today by simply asking yourself how can you contribute. And then, go ahead and do it.

Power Talk

Last week our Results Club session featured a fascinating conversation (if I do say so myself) with John Kador, author of 201 Best Questions To Ask On Your Interview, among plenty of other books.

John was talking about how to answer that old job interview chestnut, "So. Tell me a little about yourself." John's suggested response? "I'd be happy to tell you about myself, but first, may I ask a question?"

If you were the interviewer, what would you say? I'd say, "Sure, go ahead."

And, guess what? By asking a question first, you've effectively changed the course of the conversation. You have the full attention of the interviewer and you are now in charge.

Don't blow the opportunity.

John suggested you ask a question that is eerily similar to my Best Job Interview Question Ever: "What expectations do you have for this position?"

Great question. Because the answer tells you exactly what you need to focus on when you talk about yourself, your strengths and your skills.

And, I was thinking.

As I am wont to do.

Today, it's as much about keeping a job as it is getting a job. And to keep your job you need to make sure people know how you're contributing and how you're fulfilling their needs.

Why not use this question -- "what are your expectations for me in the coming months?" -- with your boss, or your board, or, if you're brave enough, with your subordinates? Why not use this question to touch base, and to "sell" yourself and your abilities?

Wouldn't it be great to deliver exactly what someone wants and needs?

Wouldn't that make you completely irreplaceable?

What's Your Why?

Let's face it. It's a scary world out there. People are losing their homes, and losing their jobs. In fact, unemployment in the U.S. hasn't been this widespread since 1974.

Think -- babies born in 1974 are 35 years old today. Probably married. Probably a couple of kids. Couple of credit cards. Car payments. Mortgage. Bills.

Thirty-five year olds have no frame of reference for what's going on now. My guess is they figured home values would always go up, as would salaries, bonuses and retirement plans. When up, up, up turns to down, down, down -- it's a frightening, unsettling experience.

Even folks with jobs who pay their mortgages on time are feeling beseiged, as if at any minute they could be in trouble, too. We feel powerless. The rug has been pulled out from underneath, or is about to be tugged violently. What's the purpose of life if you lose everything you've worked your whole life to achieve? Where's the meaning in that?

This week I picked up an old favorite to re-read -- Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning. Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, was imprisoned in Auschwitz and Dachau, and he writes eloquently about his harrowing experiences in the death camps. It was through unimaginable suffering that Frankl was able to find meaning not only in his life, but to fully understand how others find meaning in theirs.

Frankl suggests that meaning and purpose is derived from having a why. Why live? Why suffer? Why keep putting one foot in front of the other? In the camps, Frankl discovered, survival of the inmates was completely dependent on having a why: "Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why -- an aim -- for their lives, in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence."

Frankl says our why is always one of three things: doing something, loving someone, or rising above yourself by turning tragedy into triumph.

Now, I have to say this. Losing your job is not the same as being in Dachau. Even in 1974, people ultimately found new jobs. Losing your home? Not Auschwitz. But these are certainly tough times. To survive, you have to know your own personal why.

And if you're stuck, struggling, hurting, depressed... you especially need to get in touch with your why and let it guide your life.

Ask yourself, what's my reason for being here? Is there something you need to accomplish? Someone whose life you cherish? Is your why to parent your children into independent adulthood? Is it to love and support your spouse? Is it to take this very difficult time -- to be willing to lose everything you've worked for -- and emerge stronger, more confident, and wiser?

All of these are excellent whys. And when you have your why fixed firmly in your mind, you can do more than endure. You can move forward and thrive.

You not only can. You will.

A Good Cry

The other day I saw a young father holding his young son in his arms. The boy was crying, and the father kept saying, "Now, stop your crying. Listen to me. Stop crying."

Of course, the little boy only cried harder.

And that's how it goes, right? As I walked past I thought of all the times I told my children to stop crying. Why? Because their tears made me uncomfortable. Geez, it was awkward. I had no clue what to do with a crying child. I was worried what other people thought of me as a mother -- I mean, my kid was sobbing hysterically. Doesn't that trigger the Really Bad Mother Alert?

As I watched that young father, my heart went out to him. And I thought about what I'd do now if I were in that same spot.

I think I'd say to my little child, "Honey, it looks like you need some time to cry. How much time do you think you might need? OK. I'll be right over here -- you take all the time you want." And I'd sit and wait until the crying was done.

'Cuz sometimes we all need to cry.

I'd let my kid decide when he was through feeling sad or angry or whatever, rather than tell him when to stop. If we're told to deny our unpleasant feelings when we're very young, how in the world can we expect to know how to handle them when we're adults?

There are a lot of people out of a job today. Yet, many of them are stuck in their job search. Why? Because they haven't honored what they really need -- understanding and acceptance of why they were let go from their previous job. Every single day they get that old message, "Stop it now. Stop crying. Suck it up. Get on with it."

And this is why folks get stuck. And why they bomb job interviews. And they remain in limboland.

Because they haven't taken time to honor the full sweep of their emotions over losing their last job.

If your self-talk is all about the past -- the wrongs done to you, how stupid your old boss was, what idiots they were to keep Joe and let you go (sound at all familiar?) -- then do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for success by taking some time to fully feel how sad you are. Mourn the real loss you've suffered.

You may have heard that your results reveal your true intentions, and that is absolutely, 100% true. If you are out of work and not really working on your job search, what might be holding you back is the past.

"Oh, sure," you say. "I'm out of work and she wants me to get all introspective! I don't have time -- I need some money!"

I'm not saying wallow. Or become paralyzed. I'm saying have yourself a good cry for as long as you need to. I'm saying let it out and let it go. And then wipe your eyes and get back on track.

Because when you finally come to terms with the grief you've been denying, you will have let go of the past and planted your feet firmly in today. Let go of the past, sugar, and it has no power over you. You'll be happier, and look happier, and feel happier.

And happy people are the people who get hired.

Your Hidden Treasure

Once upon a time a baby girl was born to loving parents. On the day of her birth they gave her a beautiful box, a treasured gift. By her second birthday, the loving parents had died and the little girl was living with her aunt.

Now, Auntie was a mean-spirited, angry and bitter old woman. As the girl grew into a lovely young woman, Auntie would remind her, "You're no better than anyone else", and "Don't get too big for your britches", and, more painfully, "You are as ugly as your mother", for Auntie had doted on the girl's father and ignorantly blamed the girl's mother for his death.

So, the girl grew up believing that she was, indeed, unattractive, and hid herself behind unfashionable and unflattering clothes.

At school, the girl worked hard and excelled at her studies. In fifth grade, jealous and deceitful Teacher took her aside and said, "You're not as smart as you think you are -- you're just lucky. Once your luck fades, you will fail." The girl did not know that luck was more important than hard work. Auntie had never told her that. She began to worry more about her luck running out than her studies, and soon her grades began to fall. "Teacher was right," she thought. "I am not smart. Auntie is right, too. Who do I think I am, anyway?"

The girl struggled to finish her schooling and began to look for a job. Auntie said, "Don't aim too high, you'll be disappointed," so the girl took a job cleaning offices. It was difficult, dirty, boring work, but the girl believed she was not smart enough to do anything else. Hadn't Teacher said? Hadn't Auntie said?

Every day she rode the bus to work. One day Nice Man started a conversation with the girl. She liked how his eyes twinkled. He had a kind face. He was a happy fellow. He asked her to go with him for a cup of coffee. Now, the girl had never been on a date with a boy before because Auntie had told her that all men, save her dead father, were useless bullies. "Men are interested in only one thing," Auntie would say. "And once they get it, they dump you in a hot second." The girl did not know what to do -- this man seemed nice. But he might be fooling her.

She did not trust her own instincts. Auntie had been right about so many things -- perhaps she was right about men and relationships. So with a sad shake of the head she said no to the coffee, and from that day on did not talk to any men.

Ten years later the girl was numb, living the same kind of small, safe life Auntie led. She was old before her time. That spring, Auntie died. The girl did not know what to do. She had looked to Auntie for so much. How could an old, ugly, stupid cleaning lady make it in the world, all alone?

As she cleaned the small house she shared with Auntie, she found the beautiful box her parents had given her on the day of her birth. She did not know what it was as spiteful Auntie had hidden the treasure away. The girl gently lifted the lid and a small piece of paper fluttered to her feet.

She opened it. It was from her parents. It said, "You are the treasure. May you live a life worthy of all of your gifts." Inside the box was an intricately engraved silver mirror. The girl took the beautiful, cool metal in her hands and held it up to her face.

With a blinding flash, the girl saw what her parents had seen in her even as a baby. She saw clearly into her own heart and she was astonished. Rather than the ugly woman she had thought herself for so many years, suddenly she saw a lovely young woman. Was that her? Was she really that pretty?

In a moment, her limiting thoughts about herself fell away. She was beautiful, for she could see that clearly with her parents' gift. She was able to love, for she had loved even unlovable Auntie. And she was smart, because she had figured out these things about herself.

And she knew, too, that all of those things had been inside her, hidden her whole life, because that's how others had wanted it to be. She had been made to act small so that others could feel big. She straightened her spine at that thought, and vowed to never again allow herself to be framed by what others thought about her.

The next day the girl sold Auntie's house, quit her job, enrolled in college and began her life anew, knowing that her greatest treasure was within her. It always had been there, and always would be.

Moral of the story: To live fully, you must live without limits -- whether imposed by yourself or imposed by others. Everything you need to be your best self is already within you. That is your greatest treasure.

Letter To My Children

Dear Munroe and Grace, I saw that President-elect Obama has written a letter to his daughters, expressing his hopes for their lives, and for the lives of all American children.

So, I thought I'd take a minute to write you and tell you what I hope for your lives, too.

First, I wish you a long and healthy life. Fortunately, you've got great genes going for you -- but there are things you need to do to help yourself along. Pay attention to your nutrition, because what you put into your body fuels what you're able to do in your life. Consciously taking in things that are good for you is a huge step toward taking loving care of yourself. When you take in good food, you set the tone for other good things in your life. And always move your body. Feel your muscles move under your skin. Dance, walk, hike, run, swim. It feels good, sure, but it also intimately reminds you of your own inherent strength and power.

Which brings me to my second wish for you -- I wish you happy and healthy partnerships and friendships. I once read this piece of advice: "If you wouldn't say it to your daughter, don't say it to your son." So, let me tell both of you the same thing: becoming intimately involved with anyone -- allowing them access to your mind and your body -- is the greatest gift you can give. Make sure the people you choose deserve your gift. And pay attention, too, to the friends you bring closest to you -- find people whose honor and integrity match yours. Finally, remember that neediness often masquerades as love, but it's not love -- it's just a false mask of love. Serving someone else's chronic neediness is not what's best for your life. Plus, it's downright exhausting.

What's best for you is love. As you know, I like Henri Nouwen's definition of love. "Making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves." And my third wish for you is that you have a life full of love. To get that, though, you first have to make a safe place for you to be yourself. That means not beating yourself up every minute of every day. It means loving yourself when you make a mistake, or say something incredibly stupid, or act really thoughtlessly. It means making space for an apology, and making up for your shortcomings.

When you love yourself first, you are able to fully love others.

And let me clarify -- I'm not suggesting overweening, narcissistic self love. Narcissists see people as objects, not individuals, and lack the ability to empathize with others. That's the opposite of my wish for you! To love yourself, it's vital to see people clearly for who they are, with all their human frailties and strengths, and to appreciate their human struggles -- and share their burdens and joys where you can.

You've already faced challenges in your young lives and I hope you look back on those experiences with a sense of pride and accomplishment in your own resilience. You will face hard times in your life -- it's a fact of life. But you can make the hard times easier by looking back at past challenges and realizing you made it through before... and you will again. Every single time.

When you're forty years old, I hope you're a good partner, and a good parent. I hope you're a good friend, and a good neighbor. I hope you have a job you like and that helps you pay your bills, and that you put some money away for a rainy day. I hope you vote in every election, and that you work to make your community a better place. When you're forty, I hope you make time to read books that excite you and to have conversations that inspire you.

But most of all, I hope you're happy. And my best advice on how to be happy is this: Live fully in the knowledge that, in each moment, you are going to make the best possible decisions you can possibly make -- so you can live with few regrets.

Your lives are infinitely precious to me, but your futures are yours to craft. Create them with care, and with love.

Just as you were created. Just as you were raised. Just as you are loved. Now, and always.

-- Love, Mom

The Results Club

My friend and fellow Master Coach Chris Brandt and I were talking about how we could contribute to the world in 2009. If we were to use our skills to "be a force for good," as I put it, what would that look like? How could we put our skills and talents together to meet a need? The result of that conversation is The Results Club.

The headlines tell the story: "Unemployment Rises," "No Sector Untouched," "Executives Downsized." The global unemployment is higher than many of us have ever seen. And finding a job right now can be tough. Especially for a mid-career executive who's highly skilled, and highly paid.

To answer precisely this need, Chris and I have built an 8-week support program for mid/upper-level professionals who find themselves in job search mode, called The Results Club.

This unique and innovative program provides a step-by-step approach to any executive job search. Plus, each class is supplemented by a secure discussion forum, where tools, ideas, tactics and information can be shared within The Results Club community.

Drawing on our own networks and our many years of experience -- Chris as a Human Resources executive with organizations like News Corporation and Swiss Re, plus various financial services companies and startups, and my leadership positions in corporate America, with dot-com startups, and at the White House, as well as my job as Career Advice Coach at www.BettyConfidential.com -- we have assembled a fantastic slate of speakers who can offer cutting edge advice to today's job search.

Each webinar class will feature an interview with an expert, offer innovative tips & tools, and the opportunity for one-on-one coaching with me and Chris. Here's the schedule:

January 28th - Taking Stock & Making a Plan: Featuring an interview with Dr. Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star and Steering By Starlight

February 4th - Creating a Resume that Works: Featuring an interview with Bonnie Kurka, Vice President of the National Resume Writers Association

February 11th - Speak Up! How to Interview: Featuring an interview with Cyndi Maxey and Kevin O'Connor, co-authors of Speak Up! How to Present Like a Pro

February 18th - Networking: Featuring an interview with Liz Lynch, author of Smart Networking

February 25th - Maximizing Social Media: Featuring an interview with Pam Slim, blogging expert and author of Escape From Cubicle Nation

March 4th - Reinventing Your Career in Mid-life: Featuring an interview with Mary Beth Sammons, author of Second Acts That Change Lives

March 11th - Salary Negotiations/Working with Recruiters: Featuring an interview with executive recruiters

March 18th Staying on Course: tips, tactics and plans to keep your job search moving forward, featuring a panel of career coaches.

The total cost for the 8-week program is $375 (USD). Space is limited - register today!

While Recovering...

Since I'm still recovering from my recent surgery, I thought I'd repeat a post from January 3, 2007 -- called "Alive and Awake":

I have a little shorthand I use to describe some people. I started with “deeply unconscious”. Then I shifted to: “lacking insight into themselves and how they function in the world.” Both of these phrases were my feeble attempts to get at a larger issue – how to describe people who have no interest in (and in fact run screaming from the very idea of) personal awareness, openness and growth.

(You know who you are.)

Recently, I was running errands and had Oprah & Friends playing on my XM radio. I have to admit it: I have an Oprah crush. Sure, she’s got Steadman, and I’m not gay. But still.

I love her.

And I love her Friends. So the other day, I was listening to Dr. Robin Smith, author of Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, when my girl Dr. Robin said something that caught my ear. She said, “It’s time for you to step up and be a grown-up. It’s time for you to be alive and awake.”

Ka-thunk. That was it! Alive and awake! I want my friends to be alive and awake. I want my family to be alive and awake. I want my clients to be alive and awake. I want to be alive and awake.

Why would anyone want to be anything other than alive and awake? What’s the opposite there – unaware and asleep? Hmmmn. Guess if you’re unaware or asleep, you’re kinda safe. You’re insulated from feeling anything or having the scary possibility of anything in your life changing. You sleepwalk through your life, numbed to all experience.

Is that the way to live?

I’ve always wondered what babies think when they fall asleep in their car seat and wake up in their crib. Do they think, “Whoa! Weren’t we just going to the grocery store? How’d I get here?”

Maybe that’s what happens for some people at mid-life. They begin to wake up and think, “Whoa! How’d I get here?” And if they’d been awake and experiencing their 20s and 30s, maybe they’d have a partial clue.

Being alive and awake is a lot of work. The major spiritual traditions suggest that coming awake is our soul’s lifework. It was the Buddha, wasn’t it, who experienced enlightenment and became The Awakened One?

I love the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:7-8: “Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Leading me to believe that if you never seek, you will never find. If you aren’t alive enough to seek enlightenment – asking who you are and why you are here – you’ll never be awakened.

There is an element of pain and suffering to being alive and awake that you certainly don’t have to face when you’re unaware and asleep. When you’re alive and awake you consciously open yourself to good and bad, happiness and pain, light and dark. Would the easier way be to lead a life of only the former and none of the latter?

That ain’t gonna happen, is it?

As writer Jack Kornfeld has said, you can’t live full time in a blissful state. Even the most enlightened person has to do the laundry from time to time.

Alive and awake is about balance. Think about balance for a moment: bakers add a little salt into a dessert recipe to enhance the sweetness of the treat. Balloonists add a load to their lighter-than-air craft so they can control ascent and descent. Opposites attract.

Continuing the homey aphorisms, it’s said that into every life a little rain must fall. And where would we be in a world without a little rain? Well, we’d have drought. Which would bring on famine. Then death.

Perhaps being unaware and asleep is the way some people try to avoid death. Funny, isn’t it? You go through life insulating yourself from experiences because you’re afraid of death, and guess what? You die anyway.

Because we all do.

How much better, then, to fully live until you die? How much better to turn your face up to the rain and lick the drops as they fall into your life? How much better it would be to live sensing everything, feeling everything, knowing as much as you can. How much better it would be to be alive and awake.

What a great New Year’s Resolution, huh?