Meeting Sandra Day O'Connor

Let me tell you a little story. I have this friend Wendy. She's my sister-by-choice and one of our favorite things to do is to grab the golf clubs and walk 18 holes, chit-chatting before, after, and -- occasionally -- during shots. We've solved the global financial crisis, cured cancer and floated solutions to difficult international diplomatic challenges on our rambles down the fairways. I know her daddy, she knows mine, and we mourned the recent loss of her mother. Off the course, we have keys to each others houses.

And my kids call her "Aunt Wendy".

So one day Wendy and I were playing some golf late on an afternoon. As usual, we were walking the course, carrying our clubs over our shoulders. It's a good workout and allows us to play at a steady pace.

Now, one of the things a golfer must do is pay attention to the group ahead of her as well as anyone behind her. Courtesy requires that each group play with pace, so the entire course doesn't slow to a crawl.

On this particular day, the group ahead of us got slower and slower until Wendy and I were waiting in the fairway quite a bit. Soon, we noticed an older couple in a cart behind us playing fairly fast, and coming up quick.

The woman would hit every shot, and the man driving the cart would just get out to putt. Interesting play pattern, but the thing was, they were right on us, and would soon be waiting, too, further gumming up the course.

We we about to tee off on the 18th hole. I turned to Wendy: "I'm going to ask if they want to join us to play in." Wendy agreed, so I turned to call to the cart couple. The woman looked at me from about 25 feet and my heart stopped.

It was the first woman named to the U.S. Supreme Court. It was Sandra Day O'Connor. My voice squeaked when I turned to whisper to Wendy, "It's Justice O'Connor!" Wendy gave me the don't-be-a-wimp look, and I cleared my throat and said, "Would you all like to play up with us?"

She was delighted. Introductions all around. Small talk about the weather, the pace of play, the fiendish 15th hole. Then it was our turn to tee off.

Mr. O'Connor declined to tee off, so it was us gals up on the red tee. I can't recall the order, and it's not important. What's important is this:

Justice O'Connor hit her tee shot and I said, "Nice drive!" And she turned to me, looked directly in my eyes and said, "It was not. It's in the left rough."

And in that moment, she let me know who she is -- grounded, comfortable in her own skin, self-assured. And she let me know that what she expected from me -- truth, honesty, fair play -- was going to be what I would give her. It was pretty clear: Sandra Day O'Connor requires no sucking-up. No ego boosting. No sycophants.

I got the message. Believe me. Felt like a dope. I looked at her directly and said, simply, "Yes, Ma'am." I understood what she wanted from me, and I was going to give it.

I've had the good fortune to have spent plenty of time around famous people throughout my career. And obsequious sucking up does seem to be the lingua franca of celebrity. When Justice O'Connor said, in effect, "Don't play those celebrity games with me," I was relieved and inspired. What a woman.

What I took away from this brief exchange is this: real legends have no need for brainless yes-men or yes-women in their lives. They wouldn't be where they are if they had gathered people around them whose entire life purpose was to suck up to fame.

A few weeks ago I gave a free class for coaches which caused a stir when I suggested that there may be a time in your life when it's appropriate to stop seeking, so you can implement what it is you've found. I said, at some point, you leave the teacher because you are fully taught. That you have the courage to become your own Buddha.

This may be that time for you. If there is someone in your life who you are overly reliant on for your mood, or sense of self-worth -- or if you feel that you are always the one shouting "Good shot" even when the ball lands in the rough...

Maybe it's time to learn a small lesson from my story, and if you're not ready to be your own Buddha, maybe you can be your own Sandra Day O'Connor. And start to call 'em like you see 'em. Authentically. Clearly. Honestly.

On My Mind

Just some random thoughts...

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou still sounds pretty good to me.

A lot of stuff we spend time on just isn't that important. Think reality TV, for instance.

Wonder what the world would look like if every boss was a trained coach.

You know you have done an OK job parenting when see your children spontaneously do a kindness for a stranger.

If you're over 35, stop saying "I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up." You're doing it already. And if you don't like what you're doing, shut up and do something different.

It's possible to be tidy without being clean, and clean without being tidy.

You are the best expert on what makes you tick. Have the courage to be your own guru.

Happiness is not the absence of pain. Nor is it a reward for doing things right. You were born happy, and can return to happiness whenever you want by simply entering the slipstream of being.

My best summer memory has its own soundtrack.

Regardless of what you think, you are probably more than good enough.

Successful business strategy: Strive to serve repeat customers, rather than focus on one-hit wonders.

I am old enough to call anyone "darling" and "sugar" and get away with it.

Strangers are just people I haven't Twittered yet.

Looking back on my life, my single biggest regret may be that I didn't think up "Lady GaGa" first.

Democracy will always topple tyrants.

Remember when fashion was all big hair, big shoulder pads and big earrings? Someday, we'll look back at 2009 fashions and hoot with laughter, saying, "What was I thinking?"

The world is full of good people whose basic instinct is to help another person in need. I think you are one.

It is possible to re-wire your brain by examining your thoughts and changing them.

I have a great life. I'd say I'm lucky, but really it's more like I'm just letting the good stuff happen by staying out of my own way.

How about that?

To Know, Know, Know You

Want to get to know me?

I'm an ENTJ on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator -- my preference is to be an Extraverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judger (that last one means I like to decide, and decide now, thank you very much).

On the Kolbe Conative Strengths Index, I am a natural Fact Finder, followed closely by Quick Start. That means I will do the research but then want to get going (see "Judging" above).

The Clifton Strengths Finder indicates that my top strengths are: Strategic, Ideation, Activator, Communication, Input.

"Bunch of assessments, bunch of results. So what?" Hear this a lot from people. "Yeah, yeah. But just tell me what it is I'm supposed to do with my life."

Look, these assessments do serve to tell me more about you -- but, really... they're designed to tell you more about you.

Because one thing I know for sure: the more you know about yourself and your innate preferences, the more clear you are. When you are clear, you make better decisions. When you make better decisions, you're happier and more successful.

And who doesn't want that?

Some people resist assessments because they don't like being "put in a box" or "labelled". These people probably have very high preference toward Perceiving and I love them for sticking to their type. (That's a Myers-Briggs reference -- Perceivers just want to keep all of their options open. In the trade we call this their P-ness, which is a little Myers-Briggs joke. OK, a stupid Myers-Briggs joke, but there you have it.)

But when I see the lightbulb go off over someone's head when they realize they aren't wrong and they don't need to be fixed -- that, instead, they need to play to their innate preferences and solid strengths -- it's a highlight of my work.

I'm talking about the woman who berated herself for years for having to talk to think, until she realized that's the way she's wired. Or the man who shifted his continual "loser" self-talk as he realized that he just liked to be flexible and keep his options open (got in touch with his P-ness, yuk, yuk). Or the woman who, for the first time, figured out why she was so frustrated working for other people -- she has all the attributes of a CEO and needs to move toward that kind of role.

Accepting your preferences, strengths and talents, and then aligning your actions with what it is you do best, naturally, is the easiest and most efficient way toward success.

And when it comes down to it, knowing yourself -- inside and out -- and living authentically, P-ness and all (I couldn't help myself), will make you not only successful, but happy. And you'll do it the easy way -- by just being yourself.

How To Tell A Story

I've been thinking about story telling as I continue work on my forthcoming book. Stories are such powerful things. People certainly love listening to stories being told and telling stories themselves.

Most of all, folks seem to adore telling stories about themselves, which I find very revealing.

When someone tells me a story that goes something like this: "I can't _____ because _____," or "I'm not _____ because _____," I know they're stuck. They're probably telling a story about themselves that once may have been true but no longer really works. The old story holds them back, yet a new story seems unwritten and, perhaps, unwritable.

Hey, want to look at your personal narrative and figure out if the story you're telling about yourself is actually moving you toward something, or holding you back?

I sure do. Ready?

So what is the story you tell about yourself? [reader does a spewing spit take] "I don't tell a story, I just live my life," the reader says with indignation.

Uh-huh.

Take out a piece of paper and make two columns. Title the first column: Now Words. In that column write words to describe your life as it is right now.

Bored

Stressed

Stuck

Routine

Honest

Kind

Generous

Write as many describing words as you'd like. Then, title the second column, "Future Words" and start writing words that describe the life you want to have. You may carry Now Words into the Future Words column. For instance:

Honest

Kind

Generous

Happy

Fun

Loving

Creative

Now, here's where you change your personal narrative. Start consciously using your Future Words in your day-to-day life, and start taking actions that bring those words to life. So, if "creative" is a part of your future, what can you do today to create? Be very specific: "I can write 10 pages. I can solve a problem. I can work in my garden. I can throw a pot. I can paint." Name your creative thing, then go ahead and do it.

We can all make lists, friends. But not all of us are adept at putting our energy in the game and actually doing. All it takes to re-write your personal narrative is awareness of what you want, backed up by purposeful action.

When you pair that up, you'll find -- pretty soon -- that you're telling a new, happier story. I promise you, it will be one you'll enjoy telling so much more than the old version. Oh, and you'll be living a happier, more successful life.

That's my story, and I'm... well, you know the rest.

A New Normal

You want to know how to change.

You want to know how to serve your priorities and your values.

You want to know how to do stuff differently.

I know you want this, because you've told me. You say, "Why do I keep facing the same stuff all the time? Why can't I do things differently?"

Well, how about this: When normal's not working for you, just make a new normal.

Meredith is unhappy in her work. She has a boss who says one thing and does another, and the ground is always shifting beneath her feet. Her normal is stressful, unpleasant, unhappy and needs to change. She knows this.

However, there's this issue of the economy, and her deep-seated belief that she should be able to turn the situation around, and that she shouldn't walk away from a challenge, and that maybe she's doing something really, really wrong and there's no job that would be any different.

Her normal sucks.

But the way she's looking at the prospect of a new normal equally sucks.

Unless...

Unless she can change just one thing. One tiny little thing. Toward a new way of being. Toward a new perspective. Toward a new normal.

Like, maybe, starting with a difficult conversation with her mercurial boss. Maybe, just maybe, calling him out on his inconsistencies. In a productive and collegial way, of course. By doing this one little thing, she'll shift her quiet, don't rock the boat, please-please-like-me normal into something a little stronger, a little prouder, a little better.

A new, happier, normal.

One area many clients have difficulty with is having difficult conversations. Does just reading that make your teeth grind? OK, difficult conversations are... difficult. Speaking up can be hard. Saying something that might, possibly hurt someone's feelings is so scary that many of us avoid saying anything.

And we internalize those icky emotions and end up all sick and unhappy and psychically smoooshed.

But when we create a new normal -- a normal where we say what's hard when it's just a little bit hard, rather than waiting until until it's big time hard -- we break the old patterns and create a new way of handling "hard".

Habits are tough to break, mostly because they feel so known and, therefore, feel rather safe. A new normal can seem impossible to get, because we're so familiar with what we've got.

Got to open your eyes to the possibilities, darlings, and dare to live a new normal. Because the payoff is big. The payoff is a life of your own design, doing things you like doing, with people you enjoy.

Change is possible, and good. Happiness is attainable. Hey, happiness -- it's your new normal.

Do Less, Get More

I am having a great time giving stuff away. Last March you told me you wanted free stuff, so I started offering a free coaching class every month. And it's been so energizing for me! (I 'get' by giving -- pretty cool.) Last Friday, I talked about one of my favorite topics, "Do Less, Get More". Through the magic of modern technology, you can listen to the recording here:

Something interesting came up in the class, and I want to elaborate on it. We've always been told that "to make sound decisions, people must consciously, deliberately, weigh their options", but, surprisingly, that strategy only works with the simplest problems. Tough choices -- you need to go with your gut, and be less conscious. For more on this interesting concept, read this new study from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University.

It's weird to think that big decisions need the least deliberation, isn't it? But, it's all about where you're putting your time and energy. You may know that I have the 100 Units of Energy Theory -- you have 100 units of energy to spend each day. No more, no less. Can't use yesterday's because they're gone, and you can't borrow from tomorrow's because they belong to tomorrow.

You got 100. How you use them is up to you.

And here's how you do less and get more: if you're agonizing over a complex decision -- using, say 75 units of energy a day on it... for weeks -- then shift into unconscious thought and just make a choice. The research shows that you'll likely make an excellent decision, and you'll free up tons of energy to do other things.

Do (worry) less, get more done.

What about the office? How do you do less when there's so much to do?

This is going to sound counter-intuitive, I admit it. But to be more effective at work, you also need to be less conscious. In fact, what you need to do is care less.

The odd paradox is that when people have a crisis like an illness, or an outside interest like a fundraiser, sports tournament, or college search, their performance at work often improves. It's in these periods that we use our time wisely, meet our objectives and serve our priorities.

We allocate our energy units effectively.

And feel really good about our lives.

So, if you are swamped and feel like there is too much to do and not enough time... focus on your priorities, make good, unconscious decisions, and you will find that you are able to do less, and get much, much more.

The Crisis of Self-Confidence

Seems to me that people are feeling kinda uncertain. Maybe unsure. Sorta like they have, well, y'know, no self-confidence. But I could be wrong. I dunno. What do you think?

Self-confidence is one of the top reasons people seek a coach, according to a new survey from the International Coach Federation. I have to tell you, I found this rather surprising -- my clients come to me to work out a job search, or figure out how to have those difficult conversations, or get clear on handling their challenges. Don't think I've ever had anyone come to me to say, "Help me grow my self-confidence."

But when I think about it, increased self-confidence is definitely a by-product of the coaching process. And it's my aim to help people figure stuff out so thoroughly that they have the confidence to coach themselves.

The move toward greater self-confidence can be tricky. When you've lived with "I can't" for so long, "I can" might feel impossible. In that case, it's often enough to start with teeny-tiny goals that are meet-able, and grow confidence slowly and surely.

And then there's the "jump out of an airplane" kind of confidence boosting. You know, the kind of challenge where you tell yourself, "Hey, if I can do THAT, then I can do ANYTHING."

But let me tell you about a third way.

What would you like to have, or be, or do? You want to be healthier? OK. Here's what you do: You act the way a healthy person would act.

That's it.

When faced with a choice about what to eat, you choose what the healthy person would choose. Exercise or not? What would a healthy person do? See a doctor?

You know the answer.

And, guess what? This small shift will make a profound change in your overall health. In just a short period of time, you won't have to ask what a healthy person would choose -- you just have to choose what you would choose. Because you are the healthy person.

Another example? You want to be financially secure. Then, how would a financially secure person make money choices? How would she spend? Save? Invest?

My friend calls this "act as-if". While another pal calls it, "fake it 'til you make it." Either way, it's a useful tool for making progress toward getting what you want. Which is a huge self-confidence booster.

Two things to consider when using this approach. First, if you can't see yourself as someone who's healthy, or financially stable, then you may find yourself unable to act as a healthy person might act. To attack this limitation, focus on the potential positive outcome -- remember Change or Die? What's something great that will happen when you're living healthier? Focus on that. Eyes on the prize.

Second, other people in your life may not want to see you change, because they might think that they will have to change, too. While your change can be an excellent opportunity for group self-confidence boosting, sometimes fear of the unknown will cause people we love to act like complete jerks. See my friend Martha Beck's terrific article from O! Magazine about dealing with the "change back attack" .

Bottom line? You have every right to have whatever you want in your life. You have the power to lose weight. To find love. To de-clutter. To save money. (Gosh, what a great title for a book!) Little old you. You can do it. And if you have to fake it 'til you make it, that's OK. Better than OK -- it's great. And I have every confidence that you'll do it.

Out On A Limb

Wow, this feels big. I mean, just saying it out loud.

Deep breath.

Here goes: I have started writing another book.

There. Now it's out and I'm on the record and have made a promise.

You're my witnesses and I can't back out now.

What I'm attempting to do with this book is tell the story of one coaching client, blending fiction and self-help so that any reader can use the tools to help themselves learn and grow. And any coach or would-be coach can get insight and instruction about how a coaching practice really works. And, with any luck, the story will be compelling enough that a general reader will enjoy it, too.

What's the emoticon for happy/excited/yippee? Because that's how I feel about writing this book. It's an absolute joy -- which is how I know it's right.

OK, I've only just finished the first chapter, and, true to form, on the re-reading one line presented itself for further inquiry. When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got some immediate, strong reaction, so I thought I would write about it today.

"So many of us spend time seeking that we don’t stop to enjoy what we’ve already found."

Know what I mean?

It's like spending six months planning your wedding, and when that happily anticipated day comes, you're totally focused on...the honeymoon.

Or sitting in a weekend personal development workshop, perusing the catalogue to see...what workshop you can do next.

Or, the family joke, eating breakfast while discussing...what's for lunch.

Brings up a couple of ideas I've written about before. Remember Here But Not Here? How using a cell phone or Blackberry conveniently keeps you from being present right here, right now?

And even last week's 3 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way. We are foursquare in our own way when we're so busy seeking the next great thing that we can't appreciate what's right in front of us.

Because seeking means we're looking ahead. We're looking somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Raising your hand and saying, "Absent."

It takes being fully present to fully enjoy what you've created. When you create, then drop your creation in favor of something new, what you are actually creating is a never-ending cycle of never being satisfied.

That's being driven, most certainly. Icky driven.

So, dare to be present. Dare to say, "Hmmmn. This feels great. Think I'll be here right now and...enjoy."

Enjoyment. What a concept. A very happy concept.

Like writing a book, if you ask me. And so I bring it around to the beginning. I'm writing a new book, and I thank you for being my virtual accountability buddies. It's going to be fun, anything but icky, and I'm glad you're along with me to enjoy the ride.

3 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way

People ask me how I write these columns every week. Well, I'll tell you: sometimes I have a plan, and sometimes the plan goes out the window in favor of an idea that keeps popping up.

If it keeps popping, I start writing.

And so it was this week. The thing that kept popping up? "Michele, how can I get out of my own way?"

Excellent question. Good news: I've got three ways for you to start.

First, figure out why you're making things harder than they have to be. Is it because someone once told you that anything worth getting requires a struggle? The Anxious Struggler zeitgeist runs through popular culture. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl, boy triumphs over adversity (and her initial disinterest), boy gets girl. See how the struggle pays off there? [except, of course, in the TV Show "The Bachelor", where it appears a boy can go through the whole "get the girl" scenario, dump her and get another girl, thereby adding to the struggle, emotion and pathos. I'm just sayin'.]

In my experience, people often create more of a struggle than there really needs to be just to satisfy widely held cultural values around struggle. When, in fact, the things that are often best for us are those things that come easily. In a spiritual context, many faiths talk about allowing, submitting and being open. When you are open to the gifts already there for you, you don't need to struggle. You can just receive. Nice idea, huh?

So, to really get out of your own way, drop the struggle and take the most fluid, joyful, easy path. Which leads to the second tip...

Center in your strengths. You may have heard me say this once or twice before...but if you are an excellent writer, why work in a field where you never write? If you are great with people, why work solo in a lab? If you can sing, why not do it?

"Nobody will pay me for what I'm good at," is something I often hear. Which is an excellent example of someone being in his own way. Your expertise is always valued. But first it has to be valued by you. It's funny that what comes easily to us is often the thing we discount the most. Sure, to live in your strengths you may have shift the way you benchmark your success. If you go from being a Wall Streeter to running a hospice center, you will probably take a pay cut. But you will definitely get the bonus of doing something that matters and has meaning. Priceless.

When you center every day in your strengths, you are absolutely in the flow. Life is effortless. Plus, it's really, really fun.

Third thing you can do to get out of your own way? Listen to your intuition. OK, I know that many of us are Just The Facts, Ma'am kinda folks. And you all are rarely in your own way, if you want to know the truth, because you see the facts and decide and move on. It's us intuitive people who think and re-think, and mull and ponder, and see a zillion options and maybes and might-possibly-happens and get in our own way because it can't possibly be that easy, can it, I mean, got a minute to let me run this by you, what do you think?

Sound familiar?

Did to me. Until I did one little exercise. I wrote down every time I'd had an intuition about something and turned out to be right. I also wrote down every time I'd had intuitive guidance and did the opposite of what my gut told me. Figured out the consequences of those choices right then and there and realized: My gut is almost always right. Like 95% right.

So, now, I stay out of my own way primarily by listening to my gut and letting it lead me. Sure, sometimes I give myself the 24 Hour Rule: I wait 24 hours and if the gut feeling is still there, I go ahead and do whatever needs doing. If, in 24 hours, I feel icky -- I don't do whatever. I just move on.

And, I'm out of my own way a lot of the time. But it's not just me -- it's plenty of other people, too, who manage to stay out of their own way. They do just three simple things. 1.) Challenge your thoughts about the value of struggle. 2.) Center in your strengths. 3.) Listen to your gut.

When you're out of your own way, you'll find that great stuff will happen. You'll have happy effortlessness in your life.

The MacGyver Approach

Know what? I really don't like stress. It makes me sick. Literally. So, I am doing my best to eliminate every ounce of stress from my life.

A great definition of stress is feeling like you lack the tools required to do that which is asked of you. Think about that. I lack the tool of time, so I'm stressed on the commute to work. I lack the tool of money, so I'm stressed about sending my kid to college. I lack the tool of expert knowledge on a specific subject, so I'm stressed about being seen as a dope.

So, if it's stressful for me to think that I lack the right tools, then the opposite, unstressful thought is: I have everything, or can get anything, I need to get this job done. I am always doing my best.

Yes, I am freakin' MacGyver.

MacGyver was the resourceful secret agent on the 80s TV show of the same name who could solve any problem with spit, a toilet paper roll, three paper clips and a shoelace. Great stuff. And he never lost his cool. Maybe he knew he could always pull out some kind of solution and foil the bad guys. Loved that.

Over time, I've realized that, like MacGyver, I always have some kind of tool I can use in some way in any given situation. Even if that tool is simply asking a question, like, "Can you help?" Yeah, I can do that.

After years of self-flagellation where I told myself how often I fell short, I've changed. Now I know that I am always doing my best with the tools I've got on hand, even if the outcome is less than, or different from, what I anticipated at the outset.

Mindbender, huh? Contrary to everything you've learned, right? How often have you heard (or said), "You could have done better." Just writing that sentence makes me feel like someone is staring at me, hard, over a pair of intimidating spectacles. "You could have done better." Sure reinforces the idea that I'm a loser.

Yet, I might have had zero support -- no extra hands -- to do what needed doing. We can dwell on what the outcome could have been if I'd had some help... but when I acknowledge that what happened was due to the resources at hand, I can see that I did my absolute best with what I was given. And if this points out that I need to learn to ask for help, I can focus there -- and get the tool I need for the future.

I might not have enough money to execute in the "proper" way -- today, many of us are having to adjust to tight budgets and limited funds -- but when I carp and complain about what might have been if I'd had enough money, I neglect what's really real. And what's real is what I've been able to actually accomplish with the money that's available.

And, when I'm honest, sometimes the tool I lack is the physical oomph to get done what needs doing. I could say to myself, "Well, if only I'd gotten a better night's sleep," or "if only I didn't have cancer," or "if only I lost 20 pounds," I visualize a different outcome that the one that really happened. That's when I step into fantasy land.

Because it's an unreal, possibly impossible outcome I'd be imagining. The outcome that happened is what happened. Dwelling on anything else is dwelling in fantasy. And inviting stress to come along for the ride.

When I know that am always doing my best, I can accept that some days I produce more, differently or better than other days. That's just the way it is. But every outcome is always the best possible outcome given the tools I have at hand.

When I know I am always doing my best, I can also figure you are likewise doing your best. And that gives me the freedom to not be stressed about it -- my job just may be helping you find the tools you need to do it differently.

Shift your thinking on this one, dear readers, and not only will your stress level plummet, but you'll find that what you do becomes better and easier. Why? Because you already know it's going to be your best. And like MacGyver, you'll be amazed at what can be accomplished with just the tools you have at hand.

Meeting Faith

I met Faith on an airplane.

She settled in next to me and when I introduced myself and held out my hand, she took it saying, "Wow, that's so polite. I'm Faith."

For those of you who have always wondered, how did Faith look? Like a walking goddess -- you know, like JLo, without the attitude.

Now I could go all allegorical on you and imagine some deep and meaningful conversation with Faith...

But I really did meet Faith. And she's a PhD candidate at Northwestern University in Chicago. Young and vibrant, Faith turned out to be wise beyond her years. And we had a surprisingly deep and meaningful conversation on our hour plus some flight from Chicago to DC the other day.

I walked away from meeting Faith with more faith, and that's what I want to tell you about.

Faith comes from a family that didn't have many things, and couldn't provide Faith with many opportunities. But a great one fell in her lap when she was 14 -- she got assigned a Big Sister.

This Big Sister inspired Faith, coached Faith, believed in Faith.

So Faith decided to try getting into a college, something that no one in her family had ever done.

And she got in.

And excelled.

And kept going.

And now Faith is a PhD candidate who hopes to use her training to help the community she came from.

She's got vision, she's got direction, and she's got hope.

She's Faith.

Our conversation was so powerful that I noticed the people across the aisle straining to catch our chat. What did we discuss? We talked about fears, and redefining oneself. We talked about what it's like to be highly educated in a family made up of people who are not. We talked about how relationships work and how they fall apart. We talked about what women need to do to preserve their identities and their options while in relationships. We talked about books that have been important to our lives, and meaningful quotes. We talked about the past and we talked about the future. We talked about what we believe about the world. We talked about faith.

The plane touched down and we left each other with a smile and a wave. And as Faith walked away, down the airport hallway toward whatever's next for her, I said a little prayer of thanksgiving. Thanks to that Big Sister who reached a hand out to a promising young girl, and thanks to all the other hands that have helped her along the way. Thanks to Faith who could have made other choices about the direction of her life but hasn't. And thanks to Providence for placing us side-by-side on that airplane.

Because I walked away from my meeting with Faith renewed, restored and hopeful. Meeting Faith helped me remember that people touch people in the most unexpected and important ways. That people, by and large, are good and generous. That strangers are simply friends I haven't met yet.

Yes, I met Faith on an airplane. Where I least expected her. Which just might be the most important lesson of all.

The Absence Of Perfect - Part 2

Back in 2007, I wrote about what to do in the Absence Of Perfect. What do you do when the perfect solution you have in mind is just not gonna happen?

You can hold on to your idea of "perfect" or, as I suggest, you can ask yourself, "what's my best option right now?"

There's so much uncertainty in life these days, and just like you I'm feeling it. In my perfect world, everyone who wanted a job would have a good one. We'd all make our mortgage payments and guys like Bernie Madoff would be responsible stewards of other people's money.

Yep, in my perfect world, you and I wouldn't worry about paying for food, or juggling bills, or managing prescriptions, or getting shingles replaced on the roof because there would always be enough of everything for everyone.

A Michele-ian utopia.

But right now perfect is not happening.

So what's our best option? Well, we could wallow, which is an oft-chosen yet quite unproductive option, or we could do something. I, as you regular readers can imagine, am taking the "do something" approach:

1. Honoring my priorities -- which means mortgage, mortgage, mortgage. It's my intention to pay it first, and attend to other obligations from there. Prioritizing my mortgage means that I am also watching refinancing opportunities like a hawk, and will jump just as soon as I possibly can. This works for me as I plan to stay in my house indefinitely. Well, at least until my kids can get in-state tuition at one of the great universities in Virginia. Or until the Redskins win another Super Bowl. Didn't I say "indefinitely"?

2. Take on no new debt -- which means no big spending. I'd been considering post-graduate studies, and that is now officially on hold. Here's my rule of thumb: If I can pay for it fully in cash, or pay it off in three months, I will do it. If not, I'm shoving it to the back burner.

3. Pay down my debt -- which may mean that I don't have as much cash on hand as the so-called experts suggest but when I have less debt, I will have more cash flow, allowing me to build up my cash reserves quickly. Feels right to me.

4. Doing what I can to increase my income -- which means I've developed some great new programs. I have The Results Club for job seekers with my colleague Christina Brandt -- a phenomenally gifted Master Coach -- and we're working together on a useful e-book called Finding a Job 2.0. I'm also working with Pam Slim, an insightful and humorous writer and Master Coach, to launch Kick-Ass Mentoring this week, which will help coaches move from stuck to success. Both of these programs are so good that I get goose bumps. All these efforts will (cross your fingers) bring in revenue and more easily help me attend to numbers 1-3 above.

Oh, I hear you. You government employees, corporate citizens, teachers and other blokes who have steady employment -- "How can I make more money? I'm on a salary." Yes, you are. And you can be like the happy young teacher I met the other day, who is working as a waitress on the weekends, AND creating memorable art-themed birthday parties for kids in her spare time around classes. Quite the go-getter.

The question for you may be, How can you go get? What can you do? I'm telling you -- I feel good that I'm doing something. I have a plan. I have priorities. Which is my best option, given that so much is beyond my control.

If you're freaked out about what's happening now -- if your reality of layoffs and tight budgets doesn't meet your idea of perfection -- then take a little step back and ask yourself, "OK, what's my best option here?" What can you do?

What's Your Why?

Let's face it. It's a scary world out there. People are losing their homes, and losing their jobs. In fact, unemployment in the U.S. hasn't been this widespread since 1974.

Think -- babies born in 1974 are 35 years old today. Probably married. Probably a couple of kids. Couple of credit cards. Car payments. Mortgage. Bills.

Thirty-five year olds have no frame of reference for what's going on now. My guess is they figured home values would always go up, as would salaries, bonuses and retirement plans. When up, up, up turns to down, down, down -- it's a frightening, unsettling experience.

Even folks with jobs who pay their mortgages on time are feeling beseiged, as if at any minute they could be in trouble, too. We feel powerless. The rug has been pulled out from underneath, or is about to be tugged violently. What's the purpose of life if you lose everything you've worked your whole life to achieve? Where's the meaning in that?

This week I picked up an old favorite to re-read -- Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning. Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, was imprisoned in Auschwitz and Dachau, and he writes eloquently about his harrowing experiences in the death camps. It was through unimaginable suffering that Frankl was able to find meaning not only in his life, but to fully understand how others find meaning in theirs.

Frankl suggests that meaning and purpose is derived from having a why. Why live? Why suffer? Why keep putting one foot in front of the other? In the camps, Frankl discovered, survival of the inmates was completely dependent on having a why: "Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why -- an aim -- for their lives, in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence."

Frankl says our why is always one of three things: doing something, loving someone, or rising above yourself by turning tragedy into triumph.

Now, I have to say this. Losing your job is not the same as being in Dachau. Even in 1974, people ultimately found new jobs. Losing your home? Not Auschwitz. But these are certainly tough times. To survive, you have to know your own personal why.

And if you're stuck, struggling, hurting, depressed... you especially need to get in touch with your why and let it guide your life.

Ask yourself, what's my reason for being here? Is there something you need to accomplish? Someone whose life you cherish? Is your why to parent your children into independent adulthood? Is it to love and support your spouse? Is it to take this very difficult time -- to be willing to lose everything you've worked for -- and emerge stronger, more confident, and wiser?

All of these are excellent whys. And when you have your why fixed firmly in your mind, you can do more than endure. You can move forward and thrive.

You not only can. You will.

A Good Cry

The other day I saw a young father holding his young son in his arms. The boy was crying, and the father kept saying, "Now, stop your crying. Listen to me. Stop crying."

Of course, the little boy only cried harder.

And that's how it goes, right? As I walked past I thought of all the times I told my children to stop crying. Why? Because their tears made me uncomfortable. Geez, it was awkward. I had no clue what to do with a crying child. I was worried what other people thought of me as a mother -- I mean, my kid was sobbing hysterically. Doesn't that trigger the Really Bad Mother Alert?

As I watched that young father, my heart went out to him. And I thought about what I'd do now if I were in that same spot.

I think I'd say to my little child, "Honey, it looks like you need some time to cry. How much time do you think you might need? OK. I'll be right over here -- you take all the time you want." And I'd sit and wait until the crying was done.

'Cuz sometimes we all need to cry.

I'd let my kid decide when he was through feeling sad or angry or whatever, rather than tell him when to stop. If we're told to deny our unpleasant feelings when we're very young, how in the world can we expect to know how to handle them when we're adults?

There are a lot of people out of a job today. Yet, many of them are stuck in their job search. Why? Because they haven't honored what they really need -- understanding and acceptance of why they were let go from their previous job. Every single day they get that old message, "Stop it now. Stop crying. Suck it up. Get on with it."

And this is why folks get stuck. And why they bomb job interviews. And they remain in limboland.

Because they haven't taken time to honor the full sweep of their emotions over losing their last job.

If your self-talk is all about the past -- the wrongs done to you, how stupid your old boss was, what idiots they were to keep Joe and let you go (sound at all familiar?) -- then do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for success by taking some time to fully feel how sad you are. Mourn the real loss you've suffered.

You may have heard that your results reveal your true intentions, and that is absolutely, 100% true. If you are out of work and not really working on your job search, what might be holding you back is the past.

"Oh, sure," you say. "I'm out of work and she wants me to get all introspective! I don't have time -- I need some money!"

I'm not saying wallow. Or become paralyzed. I'm saying have yourself a good cry for as long as you need to. I'm saying let it out and let it go. And then wipe your eyes and get back on track.

Because when you finally come to terms with the grief you've been denying, you will have let go of the past and planted your feet firmly in today. Let go of the past, sugar, and it has no power over you. You'll be happier, and look happier, and feel happier.

And happy people are the people who get hired.

Your Hidden Treasure

Once upon a time a baby girl was born to loving parents. On the day of her birth they gave her a beautiful box, a treasured gift. By her second birthday, the loving parents had died and the little girl was living with her aunt.

Now, Auntie was a mean-spirited, angry and bitter old woman. As the girl grew into a lovely young woman, Auntie would remind her, "You're no better than anyone else", and "Don't get too big for your britches", and, more painfully, "You are as ugly as your mother", for Auntie had doted on the girl's father and ignorantly blamed the girl's mother for his death.

So, the girl grew up believing that she was, indeed, unattractive, and hid herself behind unfashionable and unflattering clothes.

At school, the girl worked hard and excelled at her studies. In fifth grade, jealous and deceitful Teacher took her aside and said, "You're not as smart as you think you are -- you're just lucky. Once your luck fades, you will fail." The girl did not know that luck was more important than hard work. Auntie had never told her that. She began to worry more about her luck running out than her studies, and soon her grades began to fall. "Teacher was right," she thought. "I am not smart. Auntie is right, too. Who do I think I am, anyway?"

The girl struggled to finish her schooling and began to look for a job. Auntie said, "Don't aim too high, you'll be disappointed," so the girl took a job cleaning offices. It was difficult, dirty, boring work, but the girl believed she was not smart enough to do anything else. Hadn't Teacher said? Hadn't Auntie said?

Every day she rode the bus to work. One day Nice Man started a conversation with the girl. She liked how his eyes twinkled. He had a kind face. He was a happy fellow. He asked her to go with him for a cup of coffee. Now, the girl had never been on a date with a boy before because Auntie had told her that all men, save her dead father, were useless bullies. "Men are interested in only one thing," Auntie would say. "And once they get it, they dump you in a hot second." The girl did not know what to do -- this man seemed nice. But he might be fooling her.

She did not trust her own instincts. Auntie had been right about so many things -- perhaps she was right about men and relationships. So with a sad shake of the head she said no to the coffee, and from that day on did not talk to any men.

Ten years later the girl was numb, living the same kind of small, safe life Auntie led. She was old before her time. That spring, Auntie died. The girl did not know what to do. She had looked to Auntie for so much. How could an old, ugly, stupid cleaning lady make it in the world, all alone?

As she cleaned the small house she shared with Auntie, she found the beautiful box her parents had given her on the day of her birth. She did not know what it was as spiteful Auntie had hidden the treasure away. The girl gently lifted the lid and a small piece of paper fluttered to her feet.

She opened it. It was from her parents. It said, "You are the treasure. May you live a life worthy of all of your gifts." Inside the box was an intricately engraved silver mirror. The girl took the beautiful, cool metal in her hands and held it up to her face.

With a blinding flash, the girl saw what her parents had seen in her even as a baby. She saw clearly into her own heart and she was astonished. Rather than the ugly woman she had thought herself for so many years, suddenly she saw a lovely young woman. Was that her? Was she really that pretty?

In a moment, her limiting thoughts about herself fell away. She was beautiful, for she could see that clearly with her parents' gift. She was able to love, for she had loved even unlovable Auntie. And she was smart, because she had figured out these things about herself.

And she knew, too, that all of those things had been inside her, hidden her whole life, because that's how others had wanted it to be. She had been made to act small so that others could feel big. She straightened her spine at that thought, and vowed to never again allow herself to be framed by what others thought about her.

The next day the girl sold Auntie's house, quit her job, enrolled in college and began her life anew, knowing that her greatest treasure was within her. It always had been there, and always would be.

Moral of the story: To live fully, you must live without limits -- whether imposed by yourself or imposed by others. Everything you need to be your best self is already within you. That is your greatest treasure.

Letter To My Children

Dear Munroe and Grace, I saw that President-elect Obama has written a letter to his daughters, expressing his hopes for their lives, and for the lives of all American children.

So, I thought I'd take a minute to write you and tell you what I hope for your lives, too.

First, I wish you a long and healthy life. Fortunately, you've got great genes going for you -- but there are things you need to do to help yourself along. Pay attention to your nutrition, because what you put into your body fuels what you're able to do in your life. Consciously taking in things that are good for you is a huge step toward taking loving care of yourself. When you take in good food, you set the tone for other good things in your life. And always move your body. Feel your muscles move under your skin. Dance, walk, hike, run, swim. It feels good, sure, but it also intimately reminds you of your own inherent strength and power.

Which brings me to my second wish for you -- I wish you happy and healthy partnerships and friendships. I once read this piece of advice: "If you wouldn't say it to your daughter, don't say it to your son." So, let me tell both of you the same thing: becoming intimately involved with anyone -- allowing them access to your mind and your body -- is the greatest gift you can give. Make sure the people you choose deserve your gift. And pay attention, too, to the friends you bring closest to you -- find people whose honor and integrity match yours. Finally, remember that neediness often masquerades as love, but it's not love -- it's just a false mask of love. Serving someone else's chronic neediness is not what's best for your life. Plus, it's downright exhausting.

What's best for you is love. As you know, I like Henri Nouwen's definition of love. "Making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves." And my third wish for you is that you have a life full of love. To get that, though, you first have to make a safe place for you to be yourself. That means not beating yourself up every minute of every day. It means loving yourself when you make a mistake, or say something incredibly stupid, or act really thoughtlessly. It means making space for an apology, and making up for your shortcomings.

When you love yourself first, you are able to fully love others.

And let me clarify -- I'm not suggesting overweening, narcissistic self love. Narcissists see people as objects, not individuals, and lack the ability to empathize with others. That's the opposite of my wish for you! To love yourself, it's vital to see people clearly for who they are, with all their human frailties and strengths, and to appreciate their human struggles -- and share their burdens and joys where you can.

You've already faced challenges in your young lives and I hope you look back on those experiences with a sense of pride and accomplishment in your own resilience. You will face hard times in your life -- it's a fact of life. But you can make the hard times easier by looking back at past challenges and realizing you made it through before... and you will again. Every single time.

When you're forty years old, I hope you're a good partner, and a good parent. I hope you're a good friend, and a good neighbor. I hope you have a job you like and that helps you pay your bills, and that you put some money away for a rainy day. I hope you vote in every election, and that you work to make your community a better place. When you're forty, I hope you make time to read books that excite you and to have conversations that inspire you.

But most of all, I hope you're happy. And my best advice on how to be happy is this: Live fully in the knowledge that, in each moment, you are going to make the best possible decisions you can possibly make -- so you can live with few regrets.

Your lives are infinitely precious to me, but your futures are yours to craft. Create them with care, and with love.

Just as you were created. Just as you were raised. Just as you are loved. Now, and always.

-- Love, Mom

While Recovering...

Since I'm still recovering from my recent surgery, I thought I'd repeat a post from January 3, 2007 -- called "Alive and Awake":

I have a little shorthand I use to describe some people. I started with “deeply unconscious”. Then I shifted to: “lacking insight into themselves and how they function in the world.” Both of these phrases were my feeble attempts to get at a larger issue – how to describe people who have no interest in (and in fact run screaming from the very idea of) personal awareness, openness and growth.

(You know who you are.)

Recently, I was running errands and had Oprah & Friends playing on my XM radio. I have to admit it: I have an Oprah crush. Sure, she’s got Steadman, and I’m not gay. But still.

I love her.

And I love her Friends. So the other day, I was listening to Dr. Robin Smith, author of Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, when my girl Dr. Robin said something that caught my ear. She said, “It’s time for you to step up and be a grown-up. It’s time for you to be alive and awake.”

Ka-thunk. That was it! Alive and awake! I want my friends to be alive and awake. I want my family to be alive and awake. I want my clients to be alive and awake. I want to be alive and awake.

Why would anyone want to be anything other than alive and awake? What’s the opposite there – unaware and asleep? Hmmmn. Guess if you’re unaware or asleep, you’re kinda safe. You’re insulated from feeling anything or having the scary possibility of anything in your life changing. You sleepwalk through your life, numbed to all experience.

Is that the way to live?

I’ve always wondered what babies think when they fall asleep in their car seat and wake up in their crib. Do they think, “Whoa! Weren’t we just going to the grocery store? How’d I get here?”

Maybe that’s what happens for some people at mid-life. They begin to wake up and think, “Whoa! How’d I get here?” And if they’d been awake and experiencing their 20s and 30s, maybe they’d have a partial clue.

Being alive and awake is a lot of work. The major spiritual traditions suggest that coming awake is our soul’s lifework. It was the Buddha, wasn’t it, who experienced enlightenment and became The Awakened One?

I love the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:7-8: “Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Leading me to believe that if you never seek, you will never find. If you aren’t alive enough to seek enlightenment – asking who you are and why you are here – you’ll never be awakened.

There is an element of pain and suffering to being alive and awake that you certainly don’t have to face when you’re unaware and asleep. When you’re alive and awake you consciously open yourself to good and bad, happiness and pain, light and dark. Would the easier way be to lead a life of only the former and none of the latter?

That ain’t gonna happen, is it?

As writer Jack Kornfeld has said, you can’t live full time in a blissful state. Even the most enlightened person has to do the laundry from time to time.

Alive and awake is about balance. Think about balance for a moment: bakers add a little salt into a dessert recipe to enhance the sweetness of the treat. Balloonists add a load to their lighter-than-air craft so they can control ascent and descent. Opposites attract.

Continuing the homey aphorisms, it’s said that into every life a little rain must fall. And where would we be in a world without a little rain? Well, we’d have drought. Which would bring on famine. Then death.

Perhaps being unaware and asleep is the way some people try to avoid death. Funny, isn’t it? You go through life insulating yourself from experiences because you’re afraid of death, and guess what? You die anyway.

Because we all do.

How much better, then, to fully live until you die? How much better to turn your face up to the rain and lick the drops as they fall into your life? How much better it would be to live sensing everything, feeling everything, knowing as much as you can. How much better it would be to be alive and awake.

What a great New Year’s Resolution, huh?

A Big Fat Thank You

Thank you.

Two little words. So much meaning.

Thank you. Thank you to everyone who dropped me an email to wish me well on the surgery. Thanks to everyone who held me in your good thoughts and prayers over the last week. Thanks for the flowers, and the food, and the understanding.

I went into this whole thing bathed in the light of real thankfulness, and maybe that's why I'm feeling so great.

The surgery last Friday was uneventful -- the whole thyroid came out, and I have a lovely incision mark at the base of my throat. I am working up a narrative to explain the scar that includes a) a biker bar fight, b) wild chickens, c) Elizabeth Taylor, and d)"you should have seen the other guy." More on that later.

Truthfully, it's not that bad -- my surgeon said, "Oh, this scar will fade right into your neck fold." Eyebrows raised (mine): "Neck fold? I have no neck fold! What you talkin' about, Willis?" (one reads the People Magazine 80s Edition while recuperating, of course)

Today, I'm up and about doing all the normal things I do. Other than the bandage on my neck, a little hoarseness and a weariness at the end of the day, I'm good.

So, I'm looking forward to 2009 and am thankful (there's that word again!) to have some exciting things to announce very shortly. Stay with me, will ya? Next year is going to be so much fun.

And, again -- Thank you.

Make Mine A Whopper

Since my kids were little, we'd back them up against the wall, ask them to stand straight and tall, and make a little line to mark their height. Today, they can stand at the same wall and see physical evidence of how much they've grown.

It's much harder for us adults to see evidence of how much we've grown. But I got the chance this week.

Because this week I learned I have cancer.

It's thyroid cancer, and I'm having surgery later this week to remove the gland. One dose of radiation later, and, as my surgeon chirpily said, "you'll be cured of cancer by December 30th."

The C-word is a toughie for so many of us. Cancer's got a ton of "dirty pain" associated with it. Ever heard the phrase "dirty pain"? Dr. Steven Hayes, a noted psychologist, coined the term in his development of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as a counterpoint to "clean pain".

Clean pain is the pain that naturally flows from an action or situation. You stub your toe, it hurts. You say, "Ouch." That's clean pain. Dirty pain is the story you tell about what happened. Like, "Geez, I am always so clumsy! What a jerk! I can't believe I stubbed my toe! What an idiot!"

So here's how I know I've changed. There was a time when a cancer diagnosis would have prompted me to take to my bed. I would have been overwhelmed, obsessive, swamped, anxious, fearful, and cranky. I wouldn't have been able to listen to my doctors for the whirring sound of panic in my ears. I would have eaten a gallon of chocolate fudge brownie daily to soothe my mind, or treated myself to something "nice" (and stupidly expensive) at the mall.

I would probably watch "Beaches" eight times. In a row. Kleenex stock prices would soar.

I would have told myself really uplifting things like, "you brought this on by doing something wrong", "of course you're a loser, you got cancer", "see, nothing good ever happens to you," and, the whopper, "you are going to die and leave your children motherless and no one will even care."

Plenty of stories. Stories that serve only one purpose -- to extend the dirty pain, promote suffering, and keep us one-down, a victim to circumstance.

But how I took this cancer diagnosis surprised me. The diagnosis came with absolutely no story. Well, just a little story. And here it is:

I am a woman who found a lump. I had my doctor look at it. Tests were run. It's cancer. It's coming out.

Sure, there may be some pain after the surgery and I'll let that be whatever it is. Right now, I'm fine. And so, I'm going to be fine until something hurts and then I'll say "Ouch". What's the point of zooming ahead and feeling next week's pain today? That will only give me two weeks of pain when I really only have to -- maybe -- do one.

OK, I'll admit it, I'm slightly amazed at my own response. But it makes sense. After all the years of work and study and practice, I have arrived at a place where I can be clear and have pretty clean pain around this whole situation. It's a rather welcome validation of the hard changes I knew I needed to make in my life. I have actually done what I set out to do. Ain't that something?

Yep, I look at my own personal growth chart and like what I see -- I'm standing tall, back up to the wall, clear and aware of exactly how much I've grown. Who knew having cancer could feel so good?

Looking Forward

So, did you make your list of 25 things you accomplished in 2008? I heard from many of you who did, and several of you who intend to make a list. Which is lovely. Still others told me that they ran over their accomplishments in their heads. So, progress was made on many fronts. I'm a very happy coach.

This week, let's do something really cool. Let's look forward.

Let's pretend it's December, 2009.

What would you like your list of 25 Accomplishments for 2009 to look like?

Ah, my spidey-sense suggests that you're intrigued, and already thinking. Excellent.

Here are a couple of questions to aid your idea flow:

• What do you want more of in your life? That you already have? That you don't have?
• What do you complain about most? How can you address it or solve it so you free up your time and energy?
• What do you do when you lose track of time? Do you do it enough?
• When are you at your best?
• What's one positive change you know you can make?

Some ideas percolating in that noggin of yours? Hope so. Here's what you do -- take a piece of paper and write down all of your thoughts. Then ask yourself this whopper of a question:

• When I'm living my best life, what will I have? What will I be? What will I do?

Good one, huh? OK, from all of this cogitating, you should begin to see a pattern emerge. Now, I do love me a good to-do list. However, an endless to-do list can feel like a burden, so unless you are absolutely, 100% motivated to tick off a list: simplify, simplify, simplify.

You may see, based on your answers to the questions above, that your stuff breaks down in to categories. If you notice, for instance, that you have a lot of goals around losing weight, getting into shape, doing something about your hair, finally getting that operation... you may want to make a category called, "Personal Well-Being", and make a goal of "Taking care of my body and my health." See? How much easier to keep that top-of-mind rather than forty-five "to-dos".

Plenty of people I work with have a real strong tug toward being connected with other people. It's a biggie. So I often suggest this little exercise: "What would it FEEL like to be connected to people?" For any goal, when you let yourself experience what it will feel like in your body, it's so much easier to recognize it when it actually happens.

And, you have to work at it. You may be like the woman I spoke with this week -- longing for deep connection, yet work consumes her life. Here's her schedule: Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Sleep. Wake up. Start over (sounds suspiciously like a rut to yours truly).

To achieve her goal of having more connection in her life, she is going to have to make some changes. Something has got to give, and I'll be the one to say it -- it has to be her work. You can work smarter, not harder, as you may have heard. She will have to start making room for volunteer activities, friends, classes and, dare I say it? Fun. She's going to have to risk a little bit -- exchanging the comfort of the known rut for the uncertainty of possibility. If she can do it, she'll get the connection she wants. And still do great things at work. I absolutely guarantee it.

When you take the time to consciously consider what's really best for you -- what inspires you and strengthens you and fires you up -- then you can confidently create a plan to make sure you spend more time with those things, and less time with the things that keep you stuck in that nasty old rut.

And, when you do, just think: what a list of accomplishments you'll have this time next year!