How It's Going To Be

There's a fine line between being a dreamer and being a dictator.

Because when you are attached to a specific outcome, your single-minded drive toward your goal may make you blind to the feelings and needs of others.

Let's say you are in a new relationship. You have peeked ahead, and see what you don't currently have: children, a happy home and no financial worries, with that darling white picket fence. And you are deeply in love with the happy vision you've concocted. It's nice that a man came along to be inserted into the picture!

When (not if) something comes up which precludes you getting what you want-- it's going to take time and energy to finalize his divorce from his wife -- you become a petulant Veruca Salt, stamping her foot and saying, "Divorce her NOW!" Because you need what you want. You've assigned so much meaning to what you "need" that you're blinded you to the reality of who your boyfriend is and any feelings he might have around the end of his marriage. From your perspective, his divorce is just something standing in the way of your dreams.

Wait a sec. If every good marriage is based on a deep caring and friendship with the other person, does pressing your dream outcome allow you to be the kind of friend and partner your boyfriend needs? Could you be destroying the very opportunity you desire by being so doggedly determined to get what you want?

Let's say you want to change your life by starting your own business. You do the research, create a sound business plan, find a good opportunity, hire a lawyer and accountant, and draw up the legal papers. All good. You go so far as to envision what your first steps will be, how the place will feel, what each day will be like. OK, you're fine. Visualization is an excellent tool to direct you toward a positive outcome. But if you're so in love with the idea of you as the owner of a particular business in a particular location that you can't see the shortcomings, pitfalls and weaknesses of your plan, you may end up overruling your advisers and taking a deal that's not really in your best interest. Because you made up your mind about how it's going to be, and that's what it's going to be.

Let's say you're running for President of the United States and you are so focused on winning that you can't see that you're behind in delegates, behind in the popular vote, behind in fundraising and have rising negative opinion polls. By golly, you've made up your mind that you are going to be President and that blind ambition propels you toward an outcome that's growing more and more elusive. You stop listening to naysayers, surround yourself with "yes" people, and irreparably damage your public image with your frantic pursuit of your goal.

Honey, to reduce your stress and anxiety you've got to hold on loosely to your intended outcome. Loose enough to be able to grab on to an unexpected outcome that's even better than what you had in mind. You can do this when you form your intention, visualize your dream and then say:

"This or something better."

"This or something better" vs. "This is how it's going to be" is being fluid vs. being rigid. It's being present right here, right now, aware of the truth in this moment vs. being somewhere else, focused on what's not yet happened -- may not happen -- and totally unaware of the truth.

It's having arms wide open to serendipity vs. arms crossed against the chest with much foot stamping frustration.

Imagine lovingly whittling a hunk of wood into two parts -- a square peg and a round hole. You can spend your lifetime attempting to insert the square peg you've created into the round hole you love, but how to get it to fit?

You really only have two options: reduce the size of the square until it fits into the hole, or craft a new, larger square hole.

When you detach from your outcome, it's as if you've suddenly found a million unexpected holes in which the peg easily fits. When you have a good plan, and execute it to the best of your ability, and are then open to whatever happens, you will be amazed by the beautiful, happy, unexpected opportunities that present themselves.

Broken For You

Sometimes you read a book at precisely the right time for precisely the right reason, and take away precisely the right message. So it was for me and the book Broken For You by Stephanie Kallos.

It's the story of people who attempt to hide their brokenness by changing their names, taking on fruitless quests, hiding in lonely isolation or liberally using Guarnier Nutrisse Conditioning Color Masque Number 68.

Wanda Schultz has too many cracks to count. The product of a broken home, she begins fixing things at age six in a canny effort to fit in at her adoptive aunt and uncle's home. As an adult, she chooses a "fixing" career, too, becoming a professional stage manager, fixing productions, actors, props and sets. The more she tries to ignore her brokenness the more cracks and fissures grow until, literally, her body is shattered and she must come to terms with her authentic self.

Margaret Hughes lives alone in a mansion, among the ghosts of people and things that once held so much meaning but also so much guilt. When Margaret opens her house to boarders -- Wanda is the first -- she finds the glue to mend her fractured life and let go of her paralyzing guilt and shame.

How many of us spend an inordinate amount of energy hiding our broken places? Pretending they don't exist? We seek out the healing adhesive we think can be found in that one person, that one experience, that one surgical procedure, that one elusive Holy Grail of Something that will make us perfect, and make our troublesome pasts disappear. Yet, it's only in accepting our broken places and applying a little grout and glue, that we are able to accept the authentic, happy mosaic of our lives.

From the book: "Look then at the faces and bodies of people you love. The explicit beauty that comes not from smoothness of skin or neutrality of expression, but from the web of experience that has left its mark. Each face, each body is its own living fossilized record. A record of cats, combatants, difficult births; of accidents, cruelties, blessings. Reminders of folly, greed, indiscretion, impatience. A moment of time, of memory, preserved, internalized and enshrined within and upon the body. You need not be told that these records are what render your beloved beautiful. If God exists, He is there, in the small cast-off pieces, rough and random and no two alike."

Beauty, then, has nothing to do with age, or position, or value, or perfection. Beauty lies in the ability to look fearlessly at your own broken spots, mend them and make a new creation. Beauty comes when you allow others to know you for exactly who you are -- chipped, cracked, fractured -- and whole despite your broken places.

Gratitudinous

I am grateful for:

Teenagers who aren't too cool to giggle with their mom.

Friends who throw parties. And let me tour their upstairs.

Crocuses.

The promise inspired by synthetic Easter basket grass.

Smart people who become business partners.

Resiliency.

England Dan and John Ford Coley. And ITunes.

Shoes that fit and look cute.

Love.

Great salads.

The ability to take chances.

Writers of books that make me think.

Friends who move to Costa Rica to start a new life.

Email.

Being able to express myself.

Kissing a baby's feet.

Creating.

The feet in sand, fingers in seawater kind of vacation.

Which I will be doing this week. So, enjoy yourselves in my absence. And remember: it's hard to be stressed when you're grateful. List the things you're grateful for... and it will be just like you're on vacation, too.

The Flaw Of Attraction

The Law of Attraction gets a ton of buzz these days. The publishing/DVD juggernaut, The Secret has sold millions of copies, promising people that if they just ask for something, and really believe they'll get it -- why, they'll most certainly get exactly what they want.

It's so simple! So easy! And so flawed.

Indulge me a minute. I am going to ask for something that supports a passion I have nurtured for years -- football. What I'd really like is to be a defensive lineman for the Washington Redskins.

Yup, me. A nearly 48 year old woman. A defensive lineman. Now, how plausible is it to think I can "manifest" getting that assignment?

You could argue that given the past couple of seasons the Redskins have had, perhaps a 48 year old woman could do a better job than what they've got...

But, honey, the truth is that big, muscley 48 year old dudes don't play the line. They are too old. As to me, I would take the first hit and crumble into a pile of fractured bones and dislocated everything else. I'd boo-hoo like a little girl. If I lived.

So the Law of Attraction, applied to me getting a line position in the NFL, ain't gonna happen,no matter how much I want it or how positive I am.

However, I can attract opportunities to support my passion for football. I can fully, shamelessly own that I am a football-loving woman. I could even create opportunities to attend more games. I'll bet you I can even get invited to a box! Those are all plausible ways I can attract good things around my passion.

Which is what the Law of Attraction is all about. You can attract things into your life when you are consciously allowing what you want, rather than unconsciously rejecting them.

A few months ago I decided that I would hold the thought in my mind, "There will always be a parking place for me." And, guess what? Now there is always a parking place for me, right in front of wherever I go. It's weird. And fun.

There's an old story that says the natives couldn't see Columbus' ship as it neared their island because they had no word for it in their vocabulary. For the natives, the ship simply did not exist.

I wonder if the Law of Attraction is like that. We create thoughts to support our goals, giving those thoughts names, and then we are able to see them. Maybe parking spots have always been available in front, but my thought was "There's not going to be anyplace to park", so I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes.

A friend who says she wants a partner more than anything, and follows that thought with "but I'm 50 now and am reconciled to the idea that it's probably not going to happen for me" is creating a situation where she can't see the great men who are already there in her life. If she could shift her consciousness to "There is someone who will be a great partner to me, and I may already know him or will meet him soon", my guess is that she'd find a great partner pretty quick.

I believe the Law of Attraction is about getting myself into alignment (clear about who I am and what I want, positive, open to new ideas and people, and honoring the authentic "me") and then simply allowing what I need to flow to me.

I know this works. Because it's the way I live. And some wonderful things flow into my life. People, opportunities, money, love and happiness. When organizing your life around attracting that which you need, every day is like unwrapping a lovely gift.

The Flaw of Attraction is the idea that anyone can get anything by just asking and believing. But the real Law of Attraction requires the hard work of self-awareness, and a shift from only seeing limits to seeing possibilities. Only then can you allow all the good things already in place around you to flow.

Financial Consciousness

Plenty of people seek spiritual enlightenment and consciousness. They go to regular services, read religious books, attend retreats, meditate, and travel to holy places around the globe. Some enterprising seekers even eat, pray and love themselves smack into a lucrative book deal.

Consciousness is a good thing. You might even say it's the only thing. And guess what? Consciousness extends to how you handle your money.

Taking care of your financial health is as important to your personal growth as is taking care of your physical health. A chaotic financial life reflects a chaotic life, period.

As with any pursuit of consciousness, it's important to understand your values around money, set out your financial goals, allow your intentions to flow from your values and goals -- then act.

So, how do you start to grow your financial consciousness?

1. Know what you spend. OK, I am going to start by suggesting you buy something, which I know is wacky. But you can spend about $29 and get a good, basic computer program like Quicken or Microsoft Money that will help you track your expenses. Online banking is a terrific resource for this -- with a click of a button, you download your monthly statements into your program and then take just a few moments to decide which category your spending falls into - voila! - you have a clear picture of your financial health.

2. Analyze your data. Where are you spending your money, and why? Are you spending to support your values and goals, or are you spending because you're bored? Did you buy that coat because "everyone" is wearing it this year, or because you absolutely love it and have no other coat? Are you planning that vacation because it's a place you've always wanted to show your kids, or because it's the "hot" spot with the in-crowd? Once you understand all of that, ask yourself: where am I out of balance with my money? Create some financial goals in line with your values, like fully funding your retirement account, or paying off your credit cards, or saving for a vacation, or even having the money to take your mother to dinner once a week. Hey, they're your values, so support them. Make sure your financial actions support your values and goals, rather than anyone else's, and you'll see your financial health improve immediately.

3. Tell yourself (and others) the truth. I know women who hide their purchases from their husbands. I know men who hide their purchases from their wives. But if you take away the reckless thrill of keeping a secret, would you make the purchase in the first place? If you're motivated by the power and control inherent in keeping someone else in the dark, then, honey, why not do a little work on that? Expanding your consciousness to get a grip on your control issues could be the key to unlocking negative behaviors. Behaviors that don't help you, or help build a happy partnership.

Telling the truth to yourself and others about money is an integral part of growing your awareness. If you see that you're routinely $500 a month short and you tend to spend, oh, $495 a month at Target, then perhaps the truth is: We spend too much at Target. Not angry. Not judgmental. Not blaming. Just a fact-based observation. Then what do you do? Why, don't go to Target when you're bored, or feel lonely, or need a "little bump." It's just like you're in recovery, my friend, and need to stay away from the places that tempt you.

4. Make a plan. Once you get a clear idea about what you're spending and why, you can make a plan to spend appropriately. I'm not saying "cut back" because that raises all sorts of shortage and lack notions. Like a dog chasing its tail, living in a feeling of lack or shortage leads to overspending in an attempt to cure the lack. Then you have more lack which you have to spend your way out of. Who wants to go round and round like that? Nope, I'm saying you can develop a plan that allows you to be financially healthy and to spend where you need to, and save where you need to. Design a plan to honor your values and allow you to meet your needs. You may find that when you get in financial balance you "need" differently than you did when you were out of balance.

5. Keep in touch. Review your spending monthly, or quarterly. Notice where your spending is in alignment with your values, intentions and needs. Make adjustments where you need to. Pat yourself on the back when you've done well.

When you take care of yourself -- aligning your physical health, your emotional health, your spiritual health and your financial health with your values, goals and intentions -- you can't help but live a life full of meaning and joy. Which is what all seekers seek, is it not?