Managing At Home

There was a lovely Associated Press story this week about using business skills to make home life more efficient. The story was particularly lovely because I was quoted in it!

So let's expand on the idea in the article -- how can you use what works at your workplace to make your home life better?

For Single People: Planning is extremely important for a single person. Consider making your own Personal Strategic Plan, just as your business might. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? What would success look like? Enlist a friend, family member or coach to help you through the process. And, while you're in planning mode, make sure you have your legal documents -- such as a will and a power of attorney -- in place. If the idea makes you feel icky, consider it your "succession plan." One more plan? Every business has an inventory. So, inventory your household possessions, and send a copy to whomever you designate as your executor in your will. And, if you ever have to file an insurance claim for your stuff, you'll have everything documented.

For Couples: Plan a weekend "leadership retreat" to have a meaningful goal-setting conversation (and if you sneak in some golf or spa time, that'll make it just like your company retreat). Use a format like the Personal Strategic Plan I mentioned above, but take into account what both of you want. The key to this kind of work is to put everything out on the table -- nothing is undiscussable, and all the ground rules around effective communication are enforced. That means you listen with openness, respect and kindness, rather than with barbed jabs, condescension and temper tantrums. Remember that mandatory training class you attended on "Difficult Conversations"? Well, use those skills here. Continue the discussion at home with monthly planning meetings -- you can boost the fun factor by making it a "date" at your favorite restaurant. Now, that's what I call "team building".

For Families With Little Kids: Think of little kids as interns or your new employees. As their manager and mentor, it's important to play to their strengths, so they can feel successful. When you give them tasks, make sure you're setting them up to do well. That means they stir the batter rather than take something out of the oven. That means they tidy rather than thoroughly clean. Little kids really have no sense of time, or of the value of money. So, rather than saying, "We're leaving in ten minutes" which has very little relevance to a three year old, say, "We're leaving after Mommy gets the diaper bag organized and your sister uses the potty." You can teach them about money if you let them select a birthday present for a pal and give them a dollar limit to stay under. Sure, it's easier to do it yourself -- but what does your kid learn from that? Let's call this "delegating" and "independent decision making".

For Families With Older Kids: Treat your teens or young adults as your senior staff. Provide them with the information they need to make good decisions on the family's behalf -- give them access to a family calendar, either using online tools, or, if they live at home, a large whiteboard. Pull back the veil and give them an understanding of the family income, expenses and financial goals. Do a performance review with your kids. Ask them what's working in their lives, and what's not working. Ever heard of Covey's Seven Habits? One of my favorites is, "Seek first to understand, then be understood." So listen to what your kids have to say. Too many times we parents reverse the order like an autocratic boss and risk undermining our kids' ability to be their own best advocate. Find a way to ask this kind of question: "How do you plan to handle your homework this year?" rather than telling them how it's going to be. With each of these steps, you'll be teaching them a ton, and giving them the confidence of your trust.

See, all those mandatory training meetings you've attended really pay off! Maybe not the way your boss or HR expected, but there you are.

Making your home life work well requires every tool on your belt. The good news is that you've already got plenty of tools and you know exactly what they can do. Now, go home and get to work.

Olympic Coaching

I was asked a question last week for my career advice column at the hot BettyConfidential.com. I love being an advice columnist -- some of the questions make my jaw drop (I'm a career columnist, not Dr. Ruth -- or Dr. Ruth's twisted evil twin sister). Most questions, gratefully, are from people just like you and me who are stuck and need to figure a way out.

The writer asked, "What do coaches, such as you, actually do?"

A great question. Which I answered by saying this: "A good coach will help you understand yourself and your objective. She will help you identify and overcome any self-imposed boundaries that hold you back. She will help you find strategies and workable timelines to do what it is you want to do. But... the coach will not do the work for you."

It's funny how often clients start out with the idea that if they've hired a coach, then SHE'LL do all the work. "From the get-go, I expected Woodward to tell me what to do and how to change. But she didn’t." wrote Julie A. Evans in her May 2008 Better Homes & Gardens article called Saving Time For The Soul .

Think of it this way. At some point, Michael Phelps had to learn how to do a flip turn. Ever tried to do one? Kinda scary at first. It's all about timing. Start your turn too early and there won't be a wall to push off against. Start too late and your bottom hits the wall, and your legs are all outside the pool, you're skinned up, bleeding, got a wedgie and you feel like a jerk. Yes, that was a personal antecdote...

A coach works with a swimmer to figure out his or her rhythm, and how to time the precise moment a flip turn should start. And, let me point out, this rhythm is completely unique to each swimmer. Someone 5'6" naturally takes more strokes to cross the pool that would a 6'5" swimmer. A good coach takes these differences into account and helps the swimmer find his or her absolute best connection with the wall and maximum compression away from the wall. The coach gives constant feedback or correction to the swimmer based on the coach's expertise and insight. That way, the swimmer continues to improve and grow as an athlete.

So it is with the kind of coaching I do. I work with my clients to get them absolutely clear about who they are and what skills they bring to their objective. We develop a plan full of tasks and goals, designed to bring the objective closer and closer. We brainstorm, we experiment, we look at underlying beliefs that may have become roadblocks -- and get those out of the way.

But just like Michael Phelps has to execute each of his own flip turns, so does each client have to execute his or her own plan. As I said to Julie Evans in Better Homes & Gardens, "we’re more likely to carry out solutions when they’re our own, rather than directives foisted upon us by someone who thinks she knows better."

I've found that people who want a coach to do all the work are often people who have had issues around authority. These are the people I feel so protective of -- because I know that when they can learn to be self-reliant, self-directed, self-authored, their lives will change mightily.

Coaching is the best job I've ever had. I love watching my clients get promoted, learn new skills, find that great job, work out a problem, figure themselves out. Those are the moments when my clients stand on a figurative medals podium, laurel leaves on their heads, and medals around their necks, a happy future ahead of them.

And like Michael Phelps' coach, Bob Bowman, it's enough for me to stand on the pool deck, watching, and bursting with pride. Because you did it. And I knew you could, all along.

Dog Days

They call them the Dog Days of Summer. As if all we can do is let our tongues loll out of our drooling mouths, and pant in the heat.

Which is exactly what I feel like doing.

Sure, there's plenty going on. The Olympics. The Presidential campaign. Wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and, now, Russia vs. Georgia. The rising and falling price of energy. Credit card reform. Mortgage bailouts. Vice Presidential candidates and political conventions. A lot of hoopla, come to think of it.

And I don't want to think about it. All I want to do is lay around, tongue lolling, and let August roll over me like a sauna bath. I want to emerge, sweaty and a few pounds lighter, just in time for September.

I want to eat popsicles, and let them drip from my fingers, leaving sticky, colorful trails down my arms.

I want to do a cannonball off the high dive.

I want to go to the movies and make it a double feature, just so I can sit in the air-conditioning.

I want to clothespin cards to my bike spokes and click-clack down the street.

I want Coppertone as my signature scent.

I want to shuck off all the trappings of this adult life and spend the next couple of weeks utterly retro.

So, even if -- like me -- you'll be working rather than loafing, you can take a little time to get some summer in your life.

All it takes is one popsicle.

CrazyBusy

A few weeks ago I was driving home from a family reunion at the beach and happened to catch a radio interview with Dr. Edward Hallowell. His new book is called CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked and About to Snap! Given that so many of my clients report feeling the same feeling of being overwhelmed, I turned up the volume and set the cruise control.

Dr. Hallowell, a well known ADD expert, suggests society is imposing what is, in effect, a "cultural ADD" – with the pace of information coming so rapidly many of us report the same symptoms which vex people with ADD. We rush around, we’re impatient, we have a need for speed, we get frustrated, we’re distracted, we can’t pay attention for more than a second, we procrastinate, we can’t remember stuff, and “in general feel busy beyond belief but not at all that productive.” Sound familiar?

What are the consequences of such cultural ADD? Dr. Hallowell writes, “The greatest damage from being too busy is that it prevents people from setting their own temperature, controlling their own lives. It does other harm as well, like increasing toxic stress, making people sick, causing accidents and errors, turning otherwise polite people rude, and reducing the general level of happiness in the population. But the greatest damage it does is that it keeps a person from what’s important.”

Group think can be deadly when it comes to busyness. I remember this phenomenon from college. A group of us would stand around before a test and one would say, “I studied three hours for this exam.” Another would reply, “Three hours?? I studied six.” “Six,” sniffed one. “I was up all night.” The winner was the guy who merely said, “I haven’t slept since last Wednesday.” This ritual one- upsmanship created a sense of panic in those who had actually slept – “Have I done enough? Am I prepared? Should I have stayed up all week, too?” And, the guy who got the best grade was the guy who said he didn’t study at all!

In the workplace, time one-upsmanship is rampant. I know a man who used to leave his office lights on, his suitcoat over his desk chair and his car parked in the lot -- he'd take a cab home -- to make it look as if he worked around the clock. Upshot? Everyone assumed he was the busiest guy in the place, and tried to meet his rigorous pace. The irony? He'd leave early and come in late, always in shirtsleeves and complaining of his workload, while his co-workers worked longer hours... just to "keep up."

Then I read a fascinating column in the Washington Post, penned by Jay Mathews, suggesting that overstressed, overbooked folks Dr. Hallowell focuses on are the 5% of Americans in the top income brackets. These overachievers push their children to be just as driven and ambitious as they are. The parents are so busy they can't think, so their kids are likewise too busy to think. The measure of success? How busy they are. How busy their kid is. How many AP classes their child takes. Admission to an Ivy League college.

Curious, because a study of college graduates shows that where you go to college has little impact on your earning potential. Rather, the authors say, “Students who attended more selective colleges do not earn more than other students who were accepted and rejected by comparable schools but attended less selective colleges." In otherwords, a successful kid often becomes a successful adult, regardless of where he goes to school. All that parental pressure and busyness to spruce up an Ivy League application -- for something which may satisfy the ego but ultimately has no discernable impact on a kid's income or happiness.

Here’s my takeaway: those of us who feel overstretched and overbooked are likely the same people who were overstretched and overbooked as high schoolers. Overachievers associate with overachievers, creating an environment where boundaries and limits are pushed, ignored or eliminated. Our neighbors push their kids, we push our kids. We run flat out – and run our co-workers flat out – because everyone else is running flat out. Or at least they say they are. For all we know, they could be sandbagging just like the "hardest working guy in the office."

So, what’s the antidote? How can you get a handle on your overbooked, overstressed life? First, set your priorities. To do this, make a log of how you actually spend your time for one week. Then look it over. How are you actually spending your time? As Dr. Phil might ask, “Is that working for you?” How does that reflect your priorities? When are you happiest?

Second, take a look at the people you're associating with. Are they helping you be your best self, or are they pushing you toward stressful, keepin'-up-with- the-Joneses competition? Do people in your circle accept you for who you are, even if you're different from them? If everyone in your office stays until 9pm, can you leave at six and still be a part of the team? If not, why not? Can you step back from the situation and note any one-upsmanship games?

Believe me here. When you align your actions with your priorities, and surround yourself with supportive people, you will immediately feel happier, less stressed and calmer. How do you get there? It may mean you have to plug your ears and not get sucked into the overachieving whirl of your neighbors and friends. You may have to let some people and activities which don't support your priorities go. Yep, you may also have to start saying no to some things, just so you can say yes to what's really important.

(This post first appeared as a column in my September 2006 newsletter.)

I Am Not Superwoman

There appear to be many women who hope to convince themselves and the rest of us that they are perfect. Hair -- perfectly coiffed, colored and curled. Body -- athletic and toned. Wardrobe -- trendy, sexy and stylish. Children -- well-behaved high achievers. Husband -- handsome, wealthy, attentive.

They think they need to be Superwoman. They want everything to be perfect.

But, honey, I know what's going on inside.

In the push to be perfect, they feel anything but. Life is a series of experiences where they are not enough, and can't possibly do enough. They look at the women around them and feel inferior, and hide that they're totally struggling to keep up. They grit their teeth and smile through the stress of Superwoman expectations.

Because I'm a life coach, people often expect me to live that perfect life. Yesterday I was in a shop that sells my book Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living and the store manager said, looking down her aquiline nose at me, "Do you live what you write?" I smiled sweetly and said, "Absolutely."

And I do. But let me share a little something that may just make tomorrow a little easier for all you would-be Superwomen:

I am not Superwoman. Not even close.

Sometimes my only wardrobe concern is: Am I clean?

My house generally, at all times, needs vacuuming.

I have been known to feed my children take-out.

I often forget to return phone calls and am terrible at remembering birthdays.

I can overbook my calendar.

I am divorced.

No, I'm not Superwoman. And I'm really, really glad for that. Because what I am is 100% Michele. I have four priorities and if I can handle those every day, I am doing a pretty good job. Want to know what they are? Be present with my kids and everyone else I meet. Care for my physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health. Learn. Lead.

That's it. That's all. Hair, nails, make-up, shoes? If I get to it, I get to it.

Yep, I am Imperfecta Girl, and I absolutely 100% love my perfectly imperfect life.

If you're struggling to get it right, to be perfect, to have it all, let me ask you: Can you get to the place where you give up attempting to be a mythical Superwoman, and find the place where you're a true Imperfecta Girl -- authentically yourself, happy with exactly what you have, comfortable in your own skin, serving your own priorities? Go on, give it a try. All you have to lose is stress. All you have to gain is your true self. And it will be absolutely OK with me if you don't do it perfectly.