3 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way

People ask me how I write these columns every week. Well, I'll tell you: sometimes I have a plan, and sometimes the plan goes out the window in favor of an idea that keeps popping up.

If it keeps popping, I start writing.

And so it was this week. The thing that kept popping up? "Michele, how can I get out of my own way?"

Excellent question. Good news: I've got three ways for you to start.

First, figure out why you're making things harder than they have to be. Is it because someone once told you that anything worth getting requires a struggle? The Anxious Struggler zeitgeist runs through popular culture. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl, boy triumphs over adversity (and her initial disinterest), boy gets girl. See how the struggle pays off there? [except, of course, in the TV Show "The Bachelor", where it appears a boy can go through the whole "get the girl" scenario, dump her and get another girl, thereby adding to the struggle, emotion and pathos. I'm just sayin'.]

In my experience, people often create more of a struggle than there really needs to be just to satisfy widely held cultural values around struggle. When, in fact, the things that are often best for us are those things that come easily. In a spiritual context, many faiths talk about allowing, submitting and being open. When you are open to the gifts already there for you, you don't need to struggle. You can just receive. Nice idea, huh?

So, to really get out of your own way, drop the struggle and take the most fluid, joyful, easy path. Which leads to the second tip...

Center in your strengths. You may have heard me say this once or twice before...but if you are an excellent writer, why work in a field where you never write? If you are great with people, why work solo in a lab? If you can sing, why not do it?

"Nobody will pay me for what I'm good at," is something I often hear. Which is an excellent example of someone being in his own way. Your expertise is always valued. But first it has to be valued by you. It's funny that what comes easily to us is often the thing we discount the most. Sure, to live in your strengths you may have shift the way you benchmark your success. If you go from being a Wall Streeter to running a hospice center, you will probably take a pay cut. But you will definitely get the bonus of doing something that matters and has meaning. Priceless.

When you center every day in your strengths, you are absolutely in the flow. Life is effortless. Plus, it's really, really fun.

Third thing you can do to get out of your own way? Listen to your intuition. OK, I know that many of us are Just The Facts, Ma'am kinda folks. And you all are rarely in your own way, if you want to know the truth, because you see the facts and decide and move on. It's us intuitive people who think and re-think, and mull and ponder, and see a zillion options and maybes and might-possibly-happens and get in our own way because it can't possibly be that easy, can it, I mean, got a minute to let me run this by you, what do you think?

Sound familiar?

Did to me. Until I did one little exercise. I wrote down every time I'd had an intuition about something and turned out to be right. I also wrote down every time I'd had intuitive guidance and did the opposite of what my gut told me. Figured out the consequences of those choices right then and there and realized: My gut is almost always right. Like 95% right.

So, now, I stay out of my own way primarily by listening to my gut and letting it lead me. Sure, sometimes I give myself the 24 Hour Rule: I wait 24 hours and if the gut feeling is still there, I go ahead and do whatever needs doing. If, in 24 hours, I feel icky -- I don't do whatever. I just move on.

And, I'm out of my own way a lot of the time. But it's not just me -- it's plenty of other people, too, who manage to stay out of their own way. They do just three simple things. 1.) Challenge your thoughts about the value of struggle. 2.) Center in your strengths. 3.) Listen to your gut.

When you're out of your own way, you'll find that great stuff will happen. You'll have happy effortlessness in your life.

The MacGyver Approach

Know what? I really don't like stress. It makes me sick. Literally. So, I am doing my best to eliminate every ounce of stress from my life.

A great definition of stress is feeling like you lack the tools required to do that which is asked of you. Think about that. I lack the tool of time, so I'm stressed on the commute to work. I lack the tool of money, so I'm stressed about sending my kid to college. I lack the tool of expert knowledge on a specific subject, so I'm stressed about being seen as a dope.

So, if it's stressful for me to think that I lack the right tools, then the opposite, unstressful thought is: I have everything, or can get anything, I need to get this job done. I am always doing my best.

Yes, I am freakin' MacGyver.

MacGyver was the resourceful secret agent on the 80s TV show of the same name who could solve any problem with spit, a toilet paper roll, three paper clips and a shoelace. Great stuff. And he never lost his cool. Maybe he knew he could always pull out some kind of solution and foil the bad guys. Loved that.

Over time, I've realized that, like MacGyver, I always have some kind of tool I can use in some way in any given situation. Even if that tool is simply asking a question, like, "Can you help?" Yeah, I can do that.

After years of self-flagellation where I told myself how often I fell short, I've changed. Now I know that I am always doing my best with the tools I've got on hand, even if the outcome is less than, or different from, what I anticipated at the outset.

Mindbender, huh? Contrary to everything you've learned, right? How often have you heard (or said), "You could have done better." Just writing that sentence makes me feel like someone is staring at me, hard, over a pair of intimidating spectacles. "You could have done better." Sure reinforces the idea that I'm a loser.

Yet, I might have had zero support -- no extra hands -- to do what needed doing. We can dwell on what the outcome could have been if I'd had some help... but when I acknowledge that what happened was due to the resources at hand, I can see that I did my absolute best with what I was given. And if this points out that I need to learn to ask for help, I can focus there -- and get the tool I need for the future.

I might not have enough money to execute in the "proper" way -- today, many of us are having to adjust to tight budgets and limited funds -- but when I carp and complain about what might have been if I'd had enough money, I neglect what's really real. And what's real is what I've been able to actually accomplish with the money that's available.

And, when I'm honest, sometimes the tool I lack is the physical oomph to get done what needs doing. I could say to myself, "Well, if only I'd gotten a better night's sleep," or "if only I didn't have cancer," or "if only I lost 20 pounds," I visualize a different outcome that the one that really happened. That's when I step into fantasy land.

Because it's an unreal, possibly impossible outcome I'd be imagining. The outcome that happened is what happened. Dwelling on anything else is dwelling in fantasy. And inviting stress to come along for the ride.

When I know that am always doing my best, I can accept that some days I produce more, differently or better than other days. That's just the way it is. But every outcome is always the best possible outcome given the tools I have at hand.

When I know I am always doing my best, I can also figure you are likewise doing your best. And that gives me the freedom to not be stressed about it -- my job just may be helping you find the tools you need to do it differently.

Shift your thinking on this one, dear readers, and not only will your stress level plummet, but you'll find that what you do becomes better and easier. Why? Because you already know it's going to be your best. And like MacGyver, you'll be amazed at what can be accomplished with just the tools you have at hand.

Meeting Faith

I met Faith on an airplane.

She settled in next to me and when I introduced myself and held out my hand, she took it saying, "Wow, that's so polite. I'm Faith."

For those of you who have always wondered, how did Faith look? Like a walking goddess -- you know, like JLo, without the attitude.

Now I could go all allegorical on you and imagine some deep and meaningful conversation with Faith...

But I really did meet Faith. And she's a PhD candidate at Northwestern University in Chicago. Young and vibrant, Faith turned out to be wise beyond her years. And we had a surprisingly deep and meaningful conversation on our hour plus some flight from Chicago to DC the other day.

I walked away from meeting Faith with more faith, and that's what I want to tell you about.

Faith comes from a family that didn't have many things, and couldn't provide Faith with many opportunities. But a great one fell in her lap when she was 14 -- she got assigned a Big Sister.

This Big Sister inspired Faith, coached Faith, believed in Faith.

So Faith decided to try getting into a college, something that no one in her family had ever done.

And she got in.

And excelled.

And kept going.

And now Faith is a PhD candidate who hopes to use her training to help the community she came from.

She's got vision, she's got direction, and she's got hope.

She's Faith.

Our conversation was so powerful that I noticed the people across the aisle straining to catch our chat. What did we discuss? We talked about fears, and redefining oneself. We talked about what it's like to be highly educated in a family made up of people who are not. We talked about how relationships work and how they fall apart. We talked about what women need to do to preserve their identities and their options while in relationships. We talked about books that have been important to our lives, and meaningful quotes. We talked about the past and we talked about the future. We talked about what we believe about the world. We talked about faith.

The plane touched down and we left each other with a smile and a wave. And as Faith walked away, down the airport hallway toward whatever's next for her, I said a little prayer of thanksgiving. Thanks to that Big Sister who reached a hand out to a promising young girl, and thanks to all the other hands that have helped her along the way. Thanks to Faith who could have made other choices about the direction of her life but hasn't. And thanks to Providence for placing us side-by-side on that airplane.

Because I walked away from my meeting with Faith renewed, restored and hopeful. Meeting Faith helped me remember that people touch people in the most unexpected and important ways. That people, by and large, are good and generous. That strangers are simply friends I haven't met yet.

Yes, I met Faith on an airplane. Where I least expected her. Which just might be the most important lesson of all.

Change or Die

Being stuck stinks. You're stuck when you know you can't stay where you are but you don't exactly know where to go. It's like running on a treadmill covered in molasses -- slow and sticky. And you're forever running in place.

Why do we get stuck at all? Why can't we rational human beings simply decide to do this, that or the other thing and get a move on?

Ah, if only it were that simple.

A few years ago I read a fascinating article in Fast Company magazine called "Change or Die", and it's been really helpful in so many ways. It gave me insight into something important: people stay stuck in situations that aren't good for them because they can't see how making a change will lead to anything positive.

Let's look at wellness. The bulk of medical expenses come from five lifestyle habits -- smoking, drinking, eating, stress and not enough exercise. Most doctors tell patients "make changes in these areas, or you will die". But in a few months or years the patient goes back to the bad old habits that brought on the trouble in the first place. We know what's good for us, but we just don't do it. Why?

"Change or Die" cites the work of Dr. Dean Ornish, who has achieved remarkable long-term results by taking a different approach with heart patients:

"Doctors had been trying to motivate patients mainly with the fear of death, he says, and that simply wasn't working. For a few weeks after a heart attack, patients were scared enough to do whatever their doctors said. But death was just too frightening to think about, so their denial would return, and they'd go back to their old ways.

"The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles. 'Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating,' Ornish says. 'Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?'

"So instead of trying to motivate them with the 'fear of dying,' Ornish reframes the issue.He inspires a new vision of the 'joy of living' -- convincing them they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. 'Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear,' he says."

This approach makes a difference for my clients. And it can for you, too. Simply look for a positive motivator -- and believe it's possible to achieve -- and stuckness disappears.

Rather than focus on how alone you'll be when that cheating boyfriend is out of your life, think about how wonderful it will be to find a loyal and faithful partner. Rather than beat yourself up for not losing weight, think about all you will be able to do when you're healthier. Rather than dwell on how horrible it was to be fired, consider how great it will be to get a paycheck again.

Hey, if you're stuck in some area of your life, here's your homework: take out a piece of paper. Write one sentence about where you're stuck. Then write down what the happy outcome will be when you get unstuck. Shift it, baby. Then hold on to that positive glimmer and make a couple of teeny-tiny steps every day directly toward it.

It's not "change or die", my darlings, it's "change and be happy". And I'm here to tell you -- it's completely possible.