A Big Fat Thank You

Thank you.

Two little words. So much meaning.

Thank you. Thank you to everyone who dropped me an email to wish me well on the surgery. Thanks to everyone who held me in your good thoughts and prayers over the last week. Thanks for the flowers, and the food, and the understanding.

I went into this whole thing bathed in the light of real thankfulness, and maybe that's why I'm feeling so great.

The surgery last Friday was uneventful -- the whole thyroid came out, and I have a lovely incision mark at the base of my throat. I am working up a narrative to explain the scar that includes a) a biker bar fight, b) wild chickens, c) Elizabeth Taylor, and d)"you should have seen the other guy." More on that later.

Truthfully, it's not that bad -- my surgeon said, "Oh, this scar will fade right into your neck fold." Eyebrows raised (mine): "Neck fold? I have no neck fold! What you talkin' about, Willis?" (one reads the People Magazine 80s Edition while recuperating, of course)

Today, I'm up and about doing all the normal things I do. Other than the bandage on my neck, a little hoarseness and a weariness at the end of the day, I'm good.

So, I'm looking forward to 2009 and am thankful (there's that word again!) to have some exciting things to announce very shortly. Stay with me, will ya? Next year is going to be so much fun.

And, again -- Thank you.

Make Mine A Whopper

Since my kids were little, we'd back them up against the wall, ask them to stand straight and tall, and make a little line to mark their height. Today, they can stand at the same wall and see physical evidence of how much they've grown.

It's much harder for us adults to see evidence of how much we've grown. But I got the chance this week.

Because this week I learned I have cancer.

It's thyroid cancer, and I'm having surgery later this week to remove the gland. One dose of radiation later, and, as my surgeon chirpily said, "you'll be cured of cancer by December 30th."

The C-word is a toughie for so many of us. Cancer's got a ton of "dirty pain" associated with it. Ever heard the phrase "dirty pain"? Dr. Steven Hayes, a noted psychologist, coined the term in his development of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as a counterpoint to "clean pain".

Clean pain is the pain that naturally flows from an action or situation. You stub your toe, it hurts. You say, "Ouch." That's clean pain. Dirty pain is the story you tell about what happened. Like, "Geez, I am always so clumsy! What a jerk! I can't believe I stubbed my toe! What an idiot!"

So here's how I know I've changed. There was a time when a cancer diagnosis would have prompted me to take to my bed. I would have been overwhelmed, obsessive, swamped, anxious, fearful, and cranky. I wouldn't have been able to listen to my doctors for the whirring sound of panic in my ears. I would have eaten a gallon of chocolate fudge brownie daily to soothe my mind, or treated myself to something "nice" (and stupidly expensive) at the mall.

I would probably watch "Beaches" eight times. In a row. Kleenex stock prices would soar.

I would have told myself really uplifting things like, "you brought this on by doing something wrong", "of course you're a loser, you got cancer", "see, nothing good ever happens to you," and, the whopper, "you are going to die and leave your children motherless and no one will even care."

Plenty of stories. Stories that serve only one purpose -- to extend the dirty pain, promote suffering, and keep us one-down, a victim to circumstance.

But how I took this cancer diagnosis surprised me. The diagnosis came with absolutely no story. Well, just a little story. And here it is:

I am a woman who found a lump. I had my doctor look at it. Tests were run. It's cancer. It's coming out.

Sure, there may be some pain after the surgery and I'll let that be whatever it is. Right now, I'm fine. And so, I'm going to be fine until something hurts and then I'll say "Ouch". What's the point of zooming ahead and feeling next week's pain today? That will only give me two weeks of pain when I really only have to -- maybe -- do one.

OK, I'll admit it, I'm slightly amazed at my own response. But it makes sense. After all the years of work and study and practice, I have arrived at a place where I can be clear and have pretty clean pain around this whole situation. It's a rather welcome validation of the hard changes I knew I needed to make in my life. I have actually done what I set out to do. Ain't that something?

Yep, I look at my own personal growth chart and like what I see -- I'm standing tall, back up to the wall, clear and aware of exactly how much I've grown. Who knew having cancer could feel so good?

Christmagical

I have the most fabulous teenaged daughter. Sure, she turned to me recently -- we were at the Gap and I was singing along with Mick Jagger, doing my best version of the White Woman's Boogie -- and asked, "Were you born embarrassing?" OK, I don't hold that against her. She's almost thirteen. She's supposed to find me utterly embarrassing. It's her job.

She's on the cusp of a life passage -- less child, more woman. As a result, she sees things from both perspectives. Both wise and wondering.

The other day as we turned a corner we spied lavish and ornate Christmas decorations. She exclaimed with the absolute delight of a child, "Mom, it's Christmagical!"

Would that we all could look at this time of year as magical. But it's hard, isn't it? So much to do. Get a tree. Get it off the car, into the house and on the stand. Haul out the decorations. Well, first you have to find them among the clutter you piled over them in the last twelve months. And buy a new package of those little hooks. Decorate the tree. Get gifts. Special, meaningful, perfect gifts. Wrap said gifts. Mail gifts. Shop for food. Cook food. Bake cookies.

Don't get me started on The Christmas Card Process. Or How To Fake Holiday Cheer To Get Through Yet Another Christmas Party.

Adult life is not very Christmagical.

This is the point where I could write about The True Meaning of Christmas, but I'll leave that to Linus (A Charlie Brown Christmas really says it all).

No, I'm going to say this: to really experience the fullness of everything Christmagical you just have to do one thing. You have to be open to unconditional receiving.

You have to be able to turn a corner and gasp because the decorations you see are so beautiful.

You have to allow yourself to tear up when you hear Vanessa Williams sing "Go Tell It On The Mountain."

You need to get to the place where you accept whatever's offered you with grace, and kindness, and an acknowledgment that other people are probably doing the best they can.

You have to be willing to let this great big, loving world we live in penetrate your grown up shell, and lift your heart.

You have to remember what it was like to be almost thirteen at Christmas. Remember what it was like to straddle childhood and adulthood -- and allow yourself hold on to the best of both in your life, right now.

That's when you will receive the greatest Christmas gift possible. And, it will be truly Christmagical.

It will be, quite simply, a very merry Christmas.

Looking Forward

So, did you make your list of 25 things you accomplished in 2008? I heard from many of you who did, and several of you who intend to make a list. Which is lovely. Still others told me that they ran over their accomplishments in their heads. So, progress was made on many fronts. I'm a very happy coach.

This week, let's do something really cool. Let's look forward.

Let's pretend it's December, 2009.

What would you like your list of 25 Accomplishments for 2009 to look like?

Ah, my spidey-sense suggests that you're intrigued, and already thinking. Excellent.

Here are a couple of questions to aid your idea flow:

• What do you want more of in your life? That you already have? That you don't have?
• What do you complain about most? How can you address it or solve it so you free up your time and energy?
• What do you do when you lose track of time? Do you do it enough?
• When are you at your best?
• What's one positive change you know you can make?

Some ideas percolating in that noggin of yours? Hope so. Here's what you do -- take a piece of paper and write down all of your thoughts. Then ask yourself this whopper of a question:

• When I'm living my best life, what will I have? What will I be? What will I do?

Good one, huh? OK, from all of this cogitating, you should begin to see a pattern emerge. Now, I do love me a good to-do list. However, an endless to-do list can feel like a burden, so unless you are absolutely, 100% motivated to tick off a list: simplify, simplify, simplify.

You may see, based on your answers to the questions above, that your stuff breaks down in to categories. If you notice, for instance, that you have a lot of goals around losing weight, getting into shape, doing something about your hair, finally getting that operation... you may want to make a category called, "Personal Well-Being", and make a goal of "Taking care of my body and my health." See? How much easier to keep that top-of-mind rather than forty-five "to-dos".

Plenty of people I work with have a real strong tug toward being connected with other people. It's a biggie. So I often suggest this little exercise: "What would it FEEL like to be connected to people?" For any goal, when you let yourself experience what it will feel like in your body, it's so much easier to recognize it when it actually happens.

And, you have to work at it. You may be like the woman I spoke with this week -- longing for deep connection, yet work consumes her life. Here's her schedule: Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Sleep. Wake up. Start over (sounds suspiciously like a rut to yours truly).

To achieve her goal of having more connection in her life, she is going to have to make some changes. Something has got to give, and I'll be the one to say it -- it has to be her work. You can work smarter, not harder, as you may have heard. She will have to start making room for volunteer activities, friends, classes and, dare I say it? Fun. She's going to have to risk a little bit -- exchanging the comfort of the known rut for the uncertainty of possibility. If she can do it, she'll get the connection she wants. And still do great things at work. I absolutely guarantee it.

When you take the time to consciously consider what's really best for you -- what inspires you and strengthens you and fires you up -- then you can confidently create a plan to make sure you spend more time with those things, and less time with the things that keep you stuck in that nasty old rut.

And, when you do, just think: what a list of accomplishments you'll have this time next year!

Looking Back

Can you believe it's December? Before we know it, it'll be January and we'll have both feet firmly planted in 2009. Yikes.

This is a great time to look back at 2008, and take its measure. How was your year? Think back. Did you make any resolutions -- and did you meet 'em?

[uncomfortable silence.]

OK, I hear you. Let's look back in a different way. Take out a piece of paper. I want you to write down 25 things you accomplished in 2008. I'll do it, too. Here goes:

1. Took out the trash and recycling every week.

Hey, believe me, that is an accomplishment.

2. Paid off and closed two credit cards.
3. Got my mammogram.
4. Started writing an advice column at BettyConfidential.com.
5. Met, then exceeded, my goals for my coaching practice.
6. Never forgot my kids' orthodontist appointments.
7. Got my roof fixed.
8. Did more public speaking.
9. Stuck to my budget.
10. Made time for my friends.
11. Volunteered to chair a committee.
12. Went to the dentist twice.
13. Taught more classes.
14. Co-chaired my high school reunion.
15. Re-connected with old friends.
16. Took my kids to a baseball game at the new Nationals Park.
17. Published my book.
18. Held a yard sale.
19. Chaperoned a 6th grade field trip.
20. Got a new stove, fridge, dishwasher and microwave. Fun week.
21. Paid my taxes.
22. Took good risks.
23. Read 47 books.
24. Got national press coverage.
25. Laughed often.

What's your list like? What does it tell you about your unspoken goals -- your real resolutions, if you want to call them that -- for 2008? My list reveals that taking care of my own physical and financial health, and the well-being of my kids, was paramount. It appears I also served my goal of being connected -- with people, with my community and with myself. How about you? What did you do?

2008 was an up-and-down year for so many of us. You had the money in March to plan for a vacation in December, but now wonder if you can really afford to take it. We had $4 gas in August, and $1.75 gas in November. We've had lay-offs, foreclosures and financial melt-downs. Plenty of us have lost loved ones or faced serious illness. It would be easy to say, "Ick! 2008 was horrible!" yet your list may tell a different story.

Even in a difficult year, you did stuff. You made progress. You accomplished. That's where you need to focus -- not on all the up-and-down-ness. Believe it or not, your best 2009 resolutions will spring from the list of what you've done this year.

So spend some time cataloguing and acknowledging your accomplishments, and next week we'll take a look forward and spell out some achievable goals -- so you can make 2009 your best year yet.

The Power of You

There's a quote I particularly love... do you know it?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."(Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love)

When I work with people -- whether they're looking for a job, or trying to do the job they have better, whether they have a big decision to make or a crisis to handle -- they focus on where they feel weak. Time after time I see people stuck and wallowing in their deficit, when the only solution is to stand in their strengths.

To allow themselves to be powerful beyond measure.

What do I mean? How do you shift from a position of weakness to strength?

It's not waiting for someone else to give you permission to do what's best for you.

It's saying what you need to say -- including the word "no" -- rather than what you're expected to say.

It's doing more of what you're good at and that you like, rather than doing things that sap you.

It's about knowing, deeply, yourself and loving everything about you. Even the extra pounds, the bad hair days, the annoying habits, the fear. 'Cuz once you love that about yourself, you are open to loving it about others.

When you stand in your power, you become powerful beyond measure. I'm not talking about the kind of power that gives you dominion over others or makes you rich or famous. I'm talking about the kind of power that makes you clear. Happy. Certain. Authentic.

I'm talking about the power that you already have inside you. I'm talking about The Power of You.

It's right there inside you -- all your strengths, gifts and talents. All you have to do is use them. Every day. And you will profoundly change your life.

What's Next?

What do women in prison and Republican political appointees, and maybe even you and me, all have in common?

We all ask the same question: "What's next?"

This past week I spoke to a group of women inmates at a correctional facility in Maryland about how to discover and live into their strengths. The basic point: do more of what you're good at and that inspires you, and you'll be living a happier life.

The difficult part is that so many of these women, and so many of the rest of us, have gotten so far from those things we love to do that we can't even recall what they are. And when you're battling addiction it's hard to say you love anything more than what you're hooked on. Most of these women know that loving crack doesn't get you anywhere. But jail. Or death.

To reconnect with their passions, I urged them to think back to their young girlhoods. "When you were ten or eleven or twelve, how did you spend your time? What did you love then?" It's interesting what pops out when I ask these questions -- almost everyone can answer with something, and it's usually something that unlocks a hidden passion. And when you identify a passion and a strength, you can begin to form an idea of work that can flow from that. An avid babysitter can become a childcare worker. A former athlete can work in a fitness center. An artist can work with paint.

During the question and answer period a woman raised her hand and said, "I'm a professional journalist and I'm turning 50 next week. Who's going to hire me after I've been in here?" To be honest with you, she looked like a Ralph Lauren model, and I wondered what life path had brought her to jail as I considered how to answer her question.

"Well, if writing is a strength for you," I ventured, "maybe you can write about this experience. Show people that you can write, and my guess is that you can get hired."

"What about fear?" she asked. Heads around the room nodded in agreement. "Fear's a big barrier," I acknowledged. "But there's reasonable fear and unreasonable fear. Reasonable fear is facing a charging bear, or someone with a gun in their hand. It's real. Unreasonable fear comes from a part of you called the social self -- what will people think? -- and the only antidote is to focus on what's real. Your strengths? They're real. Your passions? Real. Focus there, rather than on your fear, and you'll be OK."

Tomorrow I'm going to speak to about 150 Republican political appointees here in Washington, DC, who will lose their jobs as of Inauguration Day. I imagine there's plenty of fear for them, too, as they look into a future where politics are dominated by Democrats, and jobs are scarce. I'll talk with them about identifying and playing to their strengths, about facing their fears, about creating a reasonable action plan grounded in what's possible rather than what should be.

I imagine I'll take several questions very similar to those asked of me in the jail. Maybe it's the human condition that causes each of us, regardless of our life's path, to ask, "What's next?" And, truly, what's next is unknowable. What is knowable is who you are, what you're good at and how to live your best possible life. What I know to my very marrow is that living into your strengths -- into the gifts and talents you already have -- is the key to living a happier life. And finding work that matters.

Smart Networking

When the going gets tough, the tough get... in touch with their networks.

"You mean, Michele, that with the economy in free fall, the best thing I can do is network?" Incredulity is to truth as ham is to... what? [easy now, that's just a SAT analogy flashback]

OK, 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral. So it only makes sense that when unemployment is rising, and the economy is falling, your circle of friends and acquaintances becomes your most important insurance policy. 'Tis true, the people who know and like to work with you can speak most eloquently on your behalf. It also never hurts to have such a gold plated circle of contacts that your boss can't possibly fire you.

Over at BettyConfidential.com, I hammer on the importance of networking. Kinda thought I was the Queen of Networking. Until I met Liz Lynch. She's the true Queen of Networking, poppets, and I bow deeply to her.

Liz has a new book you're going to want to read -- Smart Networking: Attract A Following In Person And Online -- and despite my pretensions toward her throne, I got to enter the presence of the Queen and ask a few questions.

How do you define networking, Liz? "So many people see networking as going to events and meeting new people, but my definition is much broader. I define a 'network' as a support system of people you can turn to for help, advice, ideas, and information. 'Networking,' then, is simply the process of building and maintaining that support system, and being able to tap into it when you need help."

I have quite a few clients who've found themselves unexpectedly out of a job. Happening all over the world, in many different sectors. When you have to find a job fast, I asked Liz, do you just scramble to find a job, any job, and forget about the network? "Actually, quite the opposite," Liz said. "Building a network does take time, but the good news is that everyone has a network already. People we’ve worked with, gone to school with, live near, play tennis with, etc. When you really need to get something done, it’s these people, your most raving fans, that you should turn to first. While they may not be in a position to hire you themselves, you can get valuable advice on your job search and some may even be able to introduce you to others in their network who work at companies you’re interested in. If nothing else, having moral support in these tough times can help you maintain confidence."

I told Liz that I love to work with professional women who are re-entering the workforce. Many of them whine, I mean, express deep concern, that their network is stale and out-of-date. Liz suggested, "What’s really great about networking now is all of the online options that are available that you can do on your own time and without having to leave the house. An at-home mom can start to build her online network on LinkedIn and Facebook, and connect with folks she already knows. That way she gets on the radar screens of her old colleagues and can reach out to them much more easily once she’s ready to start exploring her options. She can also start a business blog where once a week she can comment on news and trends in her industry. This is important because once she gets into job mode again, hiring managers are going to Google her. When her blog comes up and they read her insights and wisdom, it might just tip the scales in her favor."

Some small business owners see people in the same line of work as competition. Is there any benefit from growing a network with your competitors, Liz? Quoth the Queen, "My general philosophy with life is that there is more than enough to go around. Do you want to turn business away just so your competitor can prosper? No. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself or give away your trade secrets, but being open to cooperation leads to win-win-win opportunities, where 1+1 can equal 5.

"For example, I have great relationships with other networking experts, and I feature some of them in the book. Why would I do this? Because it helps everybody. Readers get the benefit of hearing other experiences. The experts get the benefit of exposure in an international book, and hopefully because they’re in it, they’ll be willing to recommend it to their friends, colleagues and customers."

See why Liz Lynch is the Queen of Networking?

From her vantage point upon her throne, I wanted to know what her own network has done for her. Liz told me, "It’s amazing when I think of how much my network has come through for me, and writing the book helped me remember so many of those moments. When I first left corporate America in 2000 to start my own consulting business, my network gave me nearly all of my business those first two years. Some hired me directly, some referred me to people they knew, and some just listened and gave me input on how to position myself. More recently, I got my book deal with McGraw-Hill without an agent as a first-time author with one email to someone in my network.

"For those who might be thinking that I have magical people in my Rolodex, I don’t. They’re all very special to me, but they’re not household names. The reason they’re willing to help me is because I’ve built the relationship to last and I’ve mastered the art of the ask, two very important topics I cover in Smart Networking."

The trick to successful investing is to buy low and sell high. When others are out of the market, there are often great openings for the taking. The same is true with networking. When so many people hunker down in fear, you can invest in your network. You can organize a volunteer activity for a group, or arrange a happy hour, or a lunch. You can step up your email contacts, or jump on Twitter or Facebook,or LinkedIn, where staying on your network's radar screen is easy.

Invest in your network now, and someday, just maybe, you'll sit high upon your own throne as the King or Queen Of Connections.

Enough Advice Already

Aren't you weary of all the people out there giving advice? I am.

Pundits proclaim that this candidate is up, or that one is. Polls are accurate, polls lie. He's five points up, seven points up, thirteen points down; there's a bounce, no-bounce. He should attack, he's too nice; he makes sense, he doesn't make sense. Vote for him, vote for her, vote against him, vote against her.

Aaaargh.

Then there's our financial situation.

One guy says, "Pay only cash!" and another says, "Use your credit or you'll lose it!"

One woman, the one with those oddly transfixing eyes (you know who I mean), says, "Make an extra mortgage payment to lower your principal" and the other female financial advisor says, "Don't make that extra mortgage payment -- put it in savings in case you lose your job."

Honestly, I have advice fatigue.

So, I'm not going to give you advice on the economy or the campaign or building a business or even home decorating.

I'm going to remind you that life is short. You have been through difficulties before and you've done OK. Maybe even done very well. You're resilient. We're all resilient.

Do you know your own personal situation? If you're in trouble, you're going to figure out a way to deal with it. And if you need help, you'll be able to find it.

I want to remind you that this, too, shall pass.

It always has.

So, love, live, enjoy. Gather around your friends, family and the things that make you stronger.

Because the truth -- regardless of elections or recessions or rising waves of uncertainty -- is this: If you're doing the right thing, the right thing will always happen. I said "the right thing" -- not the expedient thing, or the easy thing, or the most comfortable thing. You always know what the right thing is. Just keep doing it. And you'll find that the right things will happen for you.

Solving Problems

Ever feel like the world is chock full of problems? There's a problem here, a problem there, and every problem screams for a solution. Ever consider how your life change if you knew, in your very marrow, that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world?

An emotional sponge takes on problems like a city bus takes on passengers -- and ends up feeling overloaded. Plenty of these good folk become my clients because they just can't cope with their burdens.

You know the type. They're the resilient, strong person who has faced plenty of adversity and has developed a sense that there's nothing they can't solve. Their shoulders are broad, and they can carry a huge load. So they keep taking on one tangled situation after another. They carry their kid's problems, their co-worker's problems, their mother's problems, their neighbor's problems and the problems of the woman in front of them in the checkout line. Her biggest complaint? Never enough time.

The emotional sponge can also be the person who defines himself by a willingness to "help". They want to lend a hand, pitch in, offer support. As a result, they say yes to everything. They organize every charity drive, political leafletting effort and recycling program in a hundred mile radius. And they're frazzled.

One more type of emotional sponge -- the person who's so uncertain about her own feelings so she takes on the emotions of those around her. If everyone else is worried about the price of tea in China, she adopts that worry as her own. Like a pinball, she bounces from feeling to feeling, and ends up drained and exhausted.

I was blessed to have a son who had no interest in tying his own shoes -- especially if I was limitlessly willing to get down on my knees and tie them for him. One day I realized that if he didn't learn to tie his shoes himself I might have to visit his college campus daily (not in my plan for 2012, honestly). When I stopped solving his problem for him, he learned to tie his shoes.

And so it is. Maybe we solve other people's problems because it makes us feel useful, or needed, or -- maybe we can admit this -- slightly superior. Regardless, when you take on the problems of others you prevent them from learning the skills to prioritize and solve their own problems.

Your "help" may actually make the problem persist.

Becoming real -- being comfortable in your own skin with who you are -- absolutely requires coming to terms with the idea that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world.

In fact, not every problem can be solved. (Death is permanent, for instance.)

Not every problem should be solved. (Because time alone may resolve it.)

And not every problem is really a problem. (We just make it so to satisfy our own needs.)

If you plant a seed in dirt, and water it, you don't know whether it's growing until a sprout shoots up. If you're worried about its progress and dig up the seed, you'll kill the plant.

The best course of action is to wait. Leave it alone. And trust.

Which is exactly what you do when you step back from the responsibility for fixing every problem. Wait. Watch. Trust.

And, chances are, when you stop solving the problems of the world, you'll have the time you need to focus on the problems that really matter -- your own.

How To Make A Budget

Lotsa talk about money these days. Tightening the old belt. Sticking to the old budget. But how can you stick to a budget when you don't actually have one? Good question, huh?

Financial health is easy -- there are just three questions you have to answer: What have you spent in the past? What do you make? How much can you spend in the future?

So, take out three blank pieces of paper. On the top of one, write "Actuals". On the second piece, write, "Income" and on the third, write "Spending Plan."

Actuals: To figure out your actual spending, you'll need to look at the past three months. Take out your past three checking account statements and credit card statements. On the Actuals sheet of paper, make categories: Housing Expense (mortgage/rent; utilities; repairs), Food Expense (groceries; eating out), Transportation expense (car payment; insurance; gas; maintenance), Clothing Expense, and Other. If you have your own, particular big spending category, such as Education or Medical care, go ahead and list those expenses in a category of your own design.

Now, look at your expenses in each category for the last three months -- add each up and get an average monthly cost. Write down the average monthly spending by category, and get your total.

Somewhere on this sheet of paper, write down the balance for each credit card you own and note your average monthly payment and the interest rate on every account. Think back to the entire year -- did you have any big one-time expenses, like vacations, or orthodonture, or rebuilding a 1965 VW Beetle? Make a note of those expenses, too.

Now, let's move to Income.

On the Income sheet, write down your monthly income -- what you take home after all deductions. If, like me, you have your own business and income fluctuates, make an average of the last three months. If you have a regular income, this part should be easy.

Now, look at the total on your Actuals compared to the total Income.

How does it look?

If your income exceeds your expenses, you're doing great and can continue to the Spending Plan at your own discretion.

If your expenses exceed your income, honey, we've got a little work to do. You can either increase your income or reduce your spending. Just a note here -- if you're not doing everything you can right now to maximize your income, you need to start doing so right away. That may mean you have to start taking a different kind of client (those who pay are a good start), or ask for a raise, or take a different job. If you're working at a discount, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Let's look at reducing your spending. On the top of the Spending Plan sheet of paper, make a note of how much you need to trim from your expenses to come into line with your income. Start by transferring the information from Actuals. If possible, break out as much detail as you can in each category -- utilities, for instance, would be electric, cable, phone, natural gas/heating oil, water/sewer/trash, etc.

OK, so where is the largest expense you can control? Maybe you can lower your transportation expense by using less gasoline, changing the deductible on your insurance, taking the bus or subway, or washing your own car. You may be able to reduce your food costs by eating out less, buying what you know you'll eat -- which may mean the shopping duties go to the most disciplined person in the house.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you have some cash on hand. Take a look at those credit cards -- target the lowest balance with the highest interest rate and pay that sucker off first. Should free up your monthly cash flow.

On the sheet of paper, make a new target for your spending in each category.

You're not done yet, darlings. Now, the hard part.

Total your projected expenses. Add twenty percent. "But," you gasp, "If I do that, my budget won't work!" I know. I'm really, really sorry. You'll have to go back through and make enough reductions to fund this really important twenty percent -- your cushion. This is for when natural gas prices spike to all-time highs. Or your health insurance premium doubles. Or you need a crown. Or you underestimated your real expenses.

If you're really stoked and ready to play, put another ten percent into savings, ten more into charitable giving and another ten into your investments. Doing so means you may have to re-jigger your spending until you get to a truly workable spending plan.

"Too much trouble" is what some of you are saying. I hear you and know just what you're saying. Because I was once exactly like you. But while ignorance may be bliss, it doesn't help when the bill collectors start calling. Take charge of your money, and, believe it or not, you take charge of your life.

What Are You Gonna Do?

Know that moment when someone indicates the sheer futility of action -- when they shrug their shoulders, and say, "What are you gonna do?" Hand gestures optional, of course.

"What are you gonna do?" suggests there's really nothing you can do. The problem is way above your pay grade.

There's a lot of "what are you gonna do?" going around these days. And it's awfully darn easy to feel powerless and at the whim of people and forces greater than you. Sitting back and feeling small takes its toll, though. Adds to stress, depression and encroaching panic.

A wise man once wrote that "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". To get through the uncertainty and powerlessness so many of us feel because we don't really know what we're gonna do about the financial bubble, the housing bubble, the employment bubble, and the numerous other bubbles we hear about with alarming frequency -- well, we can start by taking that first step.

Know your credit score. If there is a global credit crisis, people with good credit scores will be able to write their own ticket. Take a look at your credit report and make a strategy to raise your number. Each credit bureau will give you specific recommendations on how to do that. You might need to start by making your payments on time and in full. Or, if you have too many accounts, close some.

Start paying with cash. Yeah, I know. We're used to whipping out the plastic. If you like the convenience of plastic, use your debit card. Oh, I hear you...you don't have the money in your account to buy your three cups of $4 coffee a day. Do you know that you effectively pay an additional fifty cents for that cup of joe every time you use a credit card? And if you don't pay off your balance in full, it compounds. Which, if I remember my math, means you pay...lots. Why not pay cash so you can keep on buying coffee down the road?

Beef up your job skills. I have had clients who have postponed the education or training their bosses have suggested. Just haven't gotten around to it. But, believe me, when layoffs have to happen the most skilled and cooperative people will be the last to go. If training hasn't been suggested to you, or if you own your own business, ask yourself: what can I learn that can make my work more productive? Then take that class.

Center in your strengths. I work with many coaches who are building their coaching practices. Too often, I see people struggle because they are not centering their business on their own strengths. Too often, they try to build their practices based on what someone told them works. Which often has nothing whatsoever to do with their own, individual strengths. Your strengths always energize you. Work from that place of power, and whatever your work is -- it will thrive.

Double down. It's tempting to face an uncertain economic situation and draw back. But while everyone is retreating in fear, you can move forward by being realistically optimistic. If your budget allows for it, double down on your marketing efforts. If your budget allows for it, take your kids to the fondue restaurant. If your budget allows for it, max out your retirement account.

Vote. One little action. So much power.

Live in gratitude. This morning I woke up and thought about the cheeseburgers I whipped up on the grill last night and was flooded with a wave of gratitude -- I'm so grateful to be able to feed my family. Sound weird? Wouldn't have been to my Dust Bowl-era grandmother.

Panic serves no one. Doesn't make you happier, or more focused, or wealthier. So, "what are you gonna do?" You're gonna take some healthy, strong steps away from panicked powerlessness -- toward a happier life.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Coming Clean

I have to admit it: I love the TV show "Clean House". I love all the mayhem and foolishness. Just when you think they can't possibly find a more cluttered, junky mess -- they do. It's just unbelievable enough to be real.

Makes me feel a bit better about what I consider my own clutter issues, to tell you the truth. But what I really love about the show is seeing the chaos and unhappiness give way to clarity.

If your clutter issues are threatening to make you a candidate for the show, here's how to get a jump on it and begin to achieve clarity in your own life:

Survey the mayhem and foolishness: Walk around your place with a notebook and a pen. Write down specific cluttered areas -- like that hall closet. Or inside the front door. The junk drawer(s) in the kitchen. Or your teenager's room. All you're doing is making a list -- so breathe easy and write it all down.

Ask yourself why: Look at just one clutter area. Why does stuff collect inside the front door? What kind of stuff is it? Why is it there? Where's the best possible place for the stuff? Do you need a solution -- like a place to put coats, or shelving for backpacks or a basket for mail? If it's more complicated than that -- "I can't bear to let go of my mother's things and face the fact that she passed away eight years ago" -- you may need to be gentle with yourself as old feelings (buried in all that clutter) come to the surface. But don't let those feelings keep you from doing something with momma's bric a brac.

Start to deal: Today is today. Holding on to stuff doesn't bring back yesterday, honey. Yesterday's gone. Bring forward the memories and let the stuff go. You are who you are today, and all that clutter keeps you firmly in the past -- and unable to truly enjoy this moment, right here, right now. Don't I sound just like Niecy Nash? I'm getting me a flower for my hair, y'all.

Have a yard sale: Before you say, "It's more trouble than it's worth" let me just point out that in uncertain economic times wouldn't it be nice to turn your unused clutter into useful dollars? That's all I'm saying. If the idea of a yard sale is too daunting, see if you can organize friends or neighbors to join in one humungous event -- and follow it up with a party. After all that hard work, you deserve some fun!

Redecorate: The final step on Clean House is to make over a chaotic room into something pleasant, modern and...clean. Whether you go for full redecoration a la Mark Brunetz or something more modest, mark your de-cluttering accomplishment with one physical symbol of the change you're manifesting. Get a pretty vase, or a lovely painting, or a wind chime and let that object serve to remind you of the life you'd like to live -- clutter-free.

I recently undertook this process myself. I asked: "Where's my greatest source of clutter-pain?" Answer: "My office is a disaster, full of papers and books, mayhem and foolishness." Why did I have all that stuff on the floor, on the coffee table, on the couch? 'Cuz I had no where to put it. Why? Because the closet in my office was full. Of what? An old filing cabinet that I didn't use and papers dating back to 1993 (I am ashamed to admit).

Two hundred pounds of paper shredded and recycled later, the filing cabinet given away, shelves added to the closet, I am pleased to announce that my office is fabulous. It took two weeks, but it's exactly what I need it to be -- and the pain is long gone.

So, where's your biggest source of clutter-pain? Why does it exist? What can you do about it?

You can channel your own inner Niecy Nash -- put a flower in your hair, get some tough-love going, and get your Clean House on. Uh huh.

Talkin' Bout My G-g-g-generation

Over the summer I got together with my old friend and White House colleague Gerry Koenig -- we had lost touch and happily re-connected via LinkedIn, the professional social networking site. Gerry, once an Army helicopter pilot, now practices aviation law, and keeps his mind agile by reading interesting books.

He told me about a fascinating book, called The Fourth Turning by the late William Strauss and Neil Howe.

When Gerry mentioned that the book, written in 1997, predicted the 9/11 terrorist attacks, I knew I had to read it. And I did. And, I am seeing the nation's current financial crisis through different eyes.

Strauss and Howe, historians, economists and experts on generational issues, looked back through American history and identified not only political cycles but generational cycles. Roughly each 80 years, in 20 year cycles, the country moves through a High period, which gives way to an Awakening, which turns into an Unraveling, and then into a Crisis.

Strauss and Howe identify four distinct generations that have repeated over time: Hero, Artist, Prophet, Nomad. According to their research, a Crisis features the Prophets (Baby-Boomers) entering elderhood; Nomads (my generation) entering midlife; Heros (the Millenials) entering young adulthood; and, those entering childhood -- the new Artist generation.

In other words, the conditions are exactly right exactly now for our country to enter Crisis.

Back in 1997, Strauss and Howe wrote: "Based on recent Unraveling-era trends, the following circa-2005 scenarios might seem plausible...Economic distress, with public debt in default, entitlement trust funds in bankruptcy, mounting poverty and unemployment, trade wars, collapsing financial markets, and hyperinflation (or deflation)." Sound familiar?

How about: "History offers even more sobering warnings: Armed confrontation usually occurs around the climax of Crisis. If there is confrontation, it is likely to lead to war. This could be any kind of war -- class war, sectional war, war against global anarchists or terrorists, or superpower war."

Check.

Before you start quoting lines from Ghostbusters ("a disaster of Biblical proportions! Real wrath of God stuff! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... MASS HYSTERIA!"), let me assure you, the nation has faced Crisis before --and will again -- and we've emerged into a new High. All is not lost.

In the Crisis, America will want change. We will want the stability of a strong government that works. We will favor personal sacrifice. We will want to be more self-sufficient. We will want solutions, not more of the same. We will demand that our leaders reflect these national values.

What does this mean for you? For your career? For your business? For your kids?

Start now. Especially my fellow Nomads. Move towards self-sufficiency -- don't borrow more than you can pay back. Grow your own tomatoes. Wash your own car. Incorporate a dose of self-sacrifice -- trust me, 23 pair of shoes in the closet work with your wardrobe just as successfully as 112. Save five to ten percent of your income. Donate to charities you believe in. Build a business that really serves your best customers. Focus. Teach your children (and yourself) about money, budgets and prudent investing.

"With or without war, American society will be transformed into something different. The emergent society may be something better, a nation that sustains its Framers' visions with a robust new pride. Or it may be something unspeakably worse. The Fourth Turning will be a time of glory or ruin."

And so it is for each of us. A time of glory or ruin. We've had advance notice of what's coming -- what we do about it as a nation, and as individuals, is completely up to us.

Doom & Gloom

Imagine for a moment that you work for Lehman Brothers. One day this week you find out the firm has declared bankruptcy and your job and your retirement fund -- poof! -- gone. Your daughter left last week for her third tour in Iraq. Your son started college two weeks ago, and now your nest is empty. Your wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Oh, and you live in Galveston.

Let's hope that doom and gloom scenario I just concocted didn't really happen to anyone. But if you pay attention to the news these days, it seems as if everyone is living that kind of life.

Last night I watched so-called experts shout at each other about our global economic situation. One said, "This is the end of the world as we know it." I thought: Really? You Wall Streeter in your groovy $800 eyeglasses, your bespoke $2000 suit, your trendy haircut delivered by a manicured ego-maniac who is known solely by a two-syllable, vaguely French first name. How exactly is your life going to change? Only going to make $2 million this year? Poor baby.

Another guy said, "This is a lot of ado about nothing. The fundamentals of the economy remain strong and this is merely a minor correction." Guess he doesn't live in Galveston. If he did, he might have a different perspective. He might just be freaking out.

So what's what? If you're freaking out about... oh, everything at the moment, how do you start to get a grip and find a way to cope? Are the pessmists right? Or the optimists? Where's the truth?

Voltaire suggested in his satirical novel Candide that "tending one's own garden" is the antidote to both unbridled optimism and destructive pessimism. So, can you step back in this moment of uncertainty and look at your own plot? Because that's where the truth of your own situation lies.

How's the health of your employer? Your industry? How's your retirement account? Do you have too large a percentage of your assets tied up in your company's stock? Need to shift anything?

How's your personal financial health? Are you making your mortgage payment every month? How are home values in your community? How's your spending? Are you paying your bills? How's your insurance set-up? Enough coverage?

Check the health of your own garden so you can compare the shouting match hysteria with your own reality. If your house is still standing and it still has value; if your employer is sound and your investments are spread out; if you are managing to pay your bills; if you and your loved ones are healthy -- you're going to be fine.

You can stop freaking out.

If, however, you've got stuff going on, tend your own garden, sweetheart, and tune out the hoopla. Work out a refinance on your home, if possible. Arrange payment with your creditors. Take a second job if you need to, while you get your business off the ground. Drive your spouse to chemo. Send a loving email to Iraq. Move in with your best friends while your house is re-built -- hey, it'll be an adventure no one will ever forget!

It seems to me that the only people benefitting from debating the "worst financial situation since the Depression", are the folks who want their Warholian fifteen minutes of fame. These people are not reporters or journalists, who are, by and large, a responsible and ethical crowd. The shouters, in my opinion, fan the flames of frenzy just so they can get more and more opportunities to be famous.

And we don't have to listen to them. All we have to do is tend our own gardens. And remember: this, too, shall pass.

Always You

I have a theory. It's that we are pretty much who we're going to be at an early age. That's not to say that life experiences don't change us, or that we can't undertake change on our own. Stuff happens, our perspectives shift and we change.

But if you're born left-handed, you're probably going to stay left-handed for life.

The Internet is an unparalleled way to reconnect. I got this in my Classmates.com in-box:

"I don't know if you remember me from elementary [school], but I'll never forget you. I remember nervously walking into the school for the first time after I moved there at the beginning of the 3rd grade. Mrs. W (who scared me to death!) was showing me where the classroom was located -- it was early and hardly any kids had arrived yet. You walked up to me from the other end of the hall and struck up a conversation, and made me feel like I wasn't an outsider. I don't know if I ever thanked you, but I always appreciated that. You made my transition to a new school much easier."

I have to tell you, this email rocked me. Families tell stories of our youth, but they usually involve -- in my case -- where I made a complete and total fool of myself by saying or doing something incredibly dopey.

To hear a tale of my past, from an outside, objective observer is like watching a documentary of my life. No spin, no role-playing -- just a glimpse of who I was in third grade. Priceless.

And know what? I don't remember the woman who wrote me (I do remember the evil and wicked Mrs. W, our teacher. Still get the shivers mentioning her name). But a year or so after the incident my correspondent described, my family moved two thousand miles away and I haven't been back to that little town since. So in writing me she had no relationship to mend, heal or promote -- she just had an open, grateful heart and a place to share. What a gift to me.

I've been spending a lot of time recently working with clients -- and myself -- on discovering strengths. I ask questions like: What do you do best? What do you really like? How can you play to your strengths? Because when you play to your strengths, whatever you do feels...easy. Not at all like work. Even, dare I say, fun?

Can you imagine what life would be like if you played to the inherent strengths you've had your whole life? Since you were in, oh, third grade? How effortless would that be?

So, what parts of your childhood personality remain? Who were you then -- and who are you now? Understanding who you were -- to others, to yourself -- can illuminate and inspire your life today. Turn the light on, and uncover your own, innate, wonderful strengths. Then put those natural strengths to use, and craft a meaningful, purpose-filled... easy life.

Neither Seen Nor Heard

After plenty of hard work, Jennifer has been promoted to Vice President of Sales. Now, rather than meeting with clients and delivering results for them, she manages a staff of salespeople.

"The problem is," she tells me, "whenever I have a meeting with my team it's as if I don't even exist. No one listens, people talk over one another and we're starting to miss our projected sales numbers. What's happening? I've always gotten along with these people really well, but it's as if they hate me since I got promoted. What's wrong with me?"

Getting promoted from within can be the best of times, and it can also be the worst of times. It's the best when you know the organization and all the rules -- written and unwritten -- and can use this knowledge to succeed. It's the worst when your former co-workers turn into surly, passed-over subordinates -- and use all their time and attention conspiring to knock you down a peg.

To shift her situation, Jennifer needs to take a hard look at her own leadership style. There are three places for her to focus:

1. Attitude. I've written about the managerial differences between men and women -- to recap, women are prone to "mend and tend" while men are more apt to "fight or flight". Jennifer needs to take a hard look at how she behaves in meetings. Is she so overly collaborative (tending) that she fails to be authoritative? Does she run meetings like an executive, or defer to others in hopes of maintaining a good relationship (mending)? Authentic leadership is a balance of collaboration and authority -- and Jennifer may be a little too heavy on the collaborative side of the scale. To tip the balance more toward center, she can take small steps toward being more decisive, such as setting the time and date for meetings, writing the agenda, and running meetings herself.

2. Verbal cues. Let me tell you this: If the boss doesn't hold onto her own power, you can be sure that someone else (who is certain she should have been promoted to Jennifer's spot) will grab it. Women in particular often use tentative language. Some women end every sentence with a literal or figurative question mark -- which tells the listener that she's not quite sure if she knows what she's talking about. Jennifer can use a small tape recorder or enlist a mentor to figure out her verbal style. Listening to how she frames issues, sets goals and objectives, and deals with squabbling among her staff can be illuminating and empowering. Jennifer can use this information to choose different words -- words that transmit that she's knowledgeable, skilled and at the helm.

3. Body language. Similarly, Jennifer needs to understand her own body language. Is she hunching her shoulders and transmitting submission? Or clasping her hands under the table, which can indicate either that she is a dutiful little girl or has something to hide (and can't be trusted). Leaders sit with attention, hands visible -- and they take up space. Jennifer may need to do a little learning about body language so she can assume the command she's been assigned.

One of the big stumbling blocks for women leaders is giving up the pernicious need to please. They wonder, "If I'm a straightforward leader, and claim my authority, will people still like me?" To be honest, some women worry about this whether they're a Vice President of Sales, or organizing a neighborhood coffee klatsch.

The bottom line is this: how long are you going to please others at the expense of your own authentic self? Jennifer earned her promotion. She feels a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment in her work. And she might be letting her need for the approval of others to hold her back from being her best possible self and completely owning her power.

When it comes down to it, women leaders -- whether they're leading a company or a group of teen volunteers or just leading themselves through their own personal growth -- need to put their best possible self front and center. They need to own their power, however it comes to them, and exercise it authentically. When they do, they operate from a sense of inner peace, honesty and integrity. And the support and respect of others follows along quite naturally.

[Just a note to my guy readers: switch out all the girly references with dude stuff and you'll find it's equally true. Being an authentic person who exercises appropriate authority when it's called for -- that's how you lead effectively.]

Managing At Home

There was a lovely Associated Press story this week about using business skills to make home life more efficient. The story was particularly lovely because I was quoted in it!

So let's expand on the idea in the article -- how can you use what works at your workplace to make your home life better?

For Single People: Planning is extremely important for a single person. Consider making your own Personal Strategic Plan, just as your business might. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? What would success look like? Enlist a friend, family member or coach to help you through the process. And, while you're in planning mode, make sure you have your legal documents -- such as a will and a power of attorney -- in place. If the idea makes you feel icky, consider it your "succession plan." One more plan? Every business has an inventory. So, inventory your household possessions, and send a copy to whomever you designate as your executor in your will. And, if you ever have to file an insurance claim for your stuff, you'll have everything documented.

For Couples: Plan a weekend "leadership retreat" to have a meaningful goal-setting conversation (and if you sneak in some golf or spa time, that'll make it just like your company retreat). Use a format like the Personal Strategic Plan I mentioned above, but take into account what both of you want. The key to this kind of work is to put everything out on the table -- nothing is undiscussable, and all the ground rules around effective communication are enforced. That means you listen with openness, respect and kindness, rather than with barbed jabs, condescension and temper tantrums. Remember that mandatory training class you attended on "Difficult Conversations"? Well, use those skills here. Continue the discussion at home with monthly planning meetings -- you can boost the fun factor by making it a "date" at your favorite restaurant. Now, that's what I call "team building".

For Families With Little Kids: Think of little kids as interns or your new employees. As their manager and mentor, it's important to play to their strengths, so they can feel successful. When you give them tasks, make sure you're setting them up to do well. That means they stir the batter rather than take something out of the oven. That means they tidy rather than thoroughly clean. Little kids really have no sense of time, or of the value of money. So, rather than saying, "We're leaving in ten minutes" which has very little relevance to a three year old, say, "We're leaving after Mommy gets the diaper bag organized and your sister uses the potty." You can teach them about money if you let them select a birthday present for a pal and give them a dollar limit to stay under. Sure, it's easier to do it yourself -- but what does your kid learn from that? Let's call this "delegating" and "independent decision making".

For Families With Older Kids: Treat your teens or young adults as your senior staff. Provide them with the information they need to make good decisions on the family's behalf -- give them access to a family calendar, either using online tools, or, if they live at home, a large whiteboard. Pull back the veil and give them an understanding of the family income, expenses and financial goals. Do a performance review with your kids. Ask them what's working in their lives, and what's not working. Ever heard of Covey's Seven Habits? One of my favorites is, "Seek first to understand, then be understood." So listen to what your kids have to say. Too many times we parents reverse the order like an autocratic boss and risk undermining our kids' ability to be their own best advocate. Find a way to ask this kind of question: "How do you plan to handle your homework this year?" rather than telling them how it's going to be. With each of these steps, you'll be teaching them a ton, and giving them the confidence of your trust.

See, all those mandatory training meetings you've attended really pay off! Maybe not the way your boss or HR expected, but there you are.

Making your home life work well requires every tool on your belt. The good news is that you've already got plenty of tools and you know exactly what they can do. Now, go home and get to work.

Olympic Coaching

I was asked a question last week for my career advice column at the hot BettyConfidential.com. I love being an advice columnist -- some of the questions make my jaw drop (I'm a career columnist, not Dr. Ruth -- or Dr. Ruth's twisted evil twin sister). Most questions, gratefully, are from people just like you and me who are stuck and need to figure a way out.

The writer asked, "What do coaches, such as you, actually do?"

A great question. Which I answered by saying this: "A good coach will help you understand yourself and your objective. She will help you identify and overcome any self-imposed boundaries that hold you back. She will help you find strategies and workable timelines to do what it is you want to do. But... the coach will not do the work for you."

It's funny how often clients start out with the idea that if they've hired a coach, then SHE'LL do all the work. "From the get-go, I expected Woodward to tell me what to do and how to change. But she didn’t." wrote Julie A. Evans in her May 2008 Better Homes & Gardens article called Saving Time For The Soul .

Think of it this way. At some point, Michael Phelps had to learn how to do a flip turn. Ever tried to do one? Kinda scary at first. It's all about timing. Start your turn too early and there won't be a wall to push off against. Start too late and your bottom hits the wall, and your legs are all outside the pool, you're skinned up, bleeding, got a wedgie and you feel like a jerk. Yes, that was a personal antecdote...

A coach works with a swimmer to figure out his or her rhythm, and how to time the precise moment a flip turn should start. And, let me point out, this rhythm is completely unique to each swimmer. Someone 5'6" naturally takes more strokes to cross the pool that would a 6'5" swimmer. A good coach takes these differences into account and helps the swimmer find his or her absolute best connection with the wall and maximum compression away from the wall. The coach gives constant feedback or correction to the swimmer based on the coach's expertise and insight. That way, the swimmer continues to improve and grow as an athlete.

So it is with the kind of coaching I do. I work with my clients to get them absolutely clear about who they are and what skills they bring to their objective. We develop a plan full of tasks and goals, designed to bring the objective closer and closer. We brainstorm, we experiment, we look at underlying beliefs that may have become roadblocks -- and get those out of the way.

But just like Michael Phelps has to execute each of his own flip turns, so does each client have to execute his or her own plan. As I said to Julie Evans in Better Homes & Gardens, "we’re more likely to carry out solutions when they’re our own, rather than directives foisted upon us by someone who thinks she knows better."

I've found that people who want a coach to do all the work are often people who have had issues around authority. These are the people I feel so protective of -- because I know that when they can learn to be self-reliant, self-directed, self-authored, their lives will change mightily.

Coaching is the best job I've ever had. I love watching my clients get promoted, learn new skills, find that great job, work out a problem, figure themselves out. Those are the moments when my clients stand on a figurative medals podium, laurel leaves on their heads, and medals around their necks, a happy future ahead of them.

And like Michael Phelps' coach, Bob Bowman, it's enough for me to stand on the pool deck, watching, and bursting with pride. Because you did it. And I knew you could, all along.

Dog Days

They call them the Dog Days of Summer. As if all we can do is let our tongues loll out of our drooling mouths, and pant in the heat.

Which is exactly what I feel like doing.

Sure, there's plenty going on. The Olympics. The Presidential campaign. Wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and, now, Russia vs. Georgia. The rising and falling price of energy. Credit card reform. Mortgage bailouts. Vice Presidential candidates and political conventions. A lot of hoopla, come to think of it.

And I don't want to think about it. All I want to do is lay around, tongue lolling, and let August roll over me like a sauna bath. I want to emerge, sweaty and a few pounds lighter, just in time for September.

I want to eat popsicles, and let them drip from my fingers, leaving sticky, colorful trails down my arms.

I want to do a cannonball off the high dive.

I want to go to the movies and make it a double feature, just so I can sit in the air-conditioning.

I want to clothespin cards to my bike spokes and click-clack down the street.

I want Coppertone as my signature scent.

I want to shuck off all the trappings of this adult life and spend the next couple of weeks utterly retro.

So, even if -- like me -- you'll be working rather than loafing, you can take a little time to get some summer in your life.

All it takes is one popsicle.

CrazyBusy

A few weeks ago I was driving home from a family reunion at the beach and happened to catch a radio interview with Dr. Edward Hallowell. His new book is called CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked and About to Snap! Given that so many of my clients report feeling the same feeling of being overwhelmed, I turned up the volume and set the cruise control.

Dr. Hallowell, a well known ADD expert, suggests society is imposing what is, in effect, a "cultural ADD" – with the pace of information coming so rapidly many of us report the same symptoms which vex people with ADD. We rush around, we’re impatient, we have a need for speed, we get frustrated, we’re distracted, we can’t pay attention for more than a second, we procrastinate, we can’t remember stuff, and “in general feel busy beyond belief but not at all that productive.” Sound familiar?

What are the consequences of such cultural ADD? Dr. Hallowell writes, “The greatest damage from being too busy is that it prevents people from setting their own temperature, controlling their own lives. It does other harm as well, like increasing toxic stress, making people sick, causing accidents and errors, turning otherwise polite people rude, and reducing the general level of happiness in the population. But the greatest damage it does is that it keeps a person from what’s important.”

Group think can be deadly when it comes to busyness. I remember this phenomenon from college. A group of us would stand around before a test and one would say, “I studied three hours for this exam.” Another would reply, “Three hours?? I studied six.” “Six,” sniffed one. “I was up all night.” The winner was the guy who merely said, “I haven’t slept since last Wednesday.” This ritual one- upsmanship created a sense of panic in those who had actually slept – “Have I done enough? Am I prepared? Should I have stayed up all week, too?” And, the guy who got the best grade was the guy who said he didn’t study at all!

In the workplace, time one-upsmanship is rampant. I know a man who used to leave his office lights on, his suitcoat over his desk chair and his car parked in the lot -- he'd take a cab home -- to make it look as if he worked around the clock. Upshot? Everyone assumed he was the busiest guy in the place, and tried to meet his rigorous pace. The irony? He'd leave early and come in late, always in shirtsleeves and complaining of his workload, while his co-workers worked longer hours... just to "keep up."

Then I read a fascinating column in the Washington Post, penned by Jay Mathews, suggesting that overstressed, overbooked folks Dr. Hallowell focuses on are the 5% of Americans in the top income brackets. These overachievers push their children to be just as driven and ambitious as they are. The parents are so busy they can't think, so their kids are likewise too busy to think. The measure of success? How busy they are. How busy their kid is. How many AP classes their child takes. Admission to an Ivy League college.

Curious, because a study of college graduates shows that where you go to college has little impact on your earning potential. Rather, the authors say, “Students who attended more selective colleges do not earn more than other students who were accepted and rejected by comparable schools but attended less selective colleges." In otherwords, a successful kid often becomes a successful adult, regardless of where he goes to school. All that parental pressure and busyness to spruce up an Ivy League application -- for something which may satisfy the ego but ultimately has no discernable impact on a kid's income or happiness.

Here’s my takeaway: those of us who feel overstretched and overbooked are likely the same people who were overstretched and overbooked as high schoolers. Overachievers associate with overachievers, creating an environment where boundaries and limits are pushed, ignored or eliminated. Our neighbors push their kids, we push our kids. We run flat out – and run our co-workers flat out – because everyone else is running flat out. Or at least they say they are. For all we know, they could be sandbagging just like the "hardest working guy in the office."

So, what’s the antidote? How can you get a handle on your overbooked, overstressed life? First, set your priorities. To do this, make a log of how you actually spend your time for one week. Then look it over. How are you actually spending your time? As Dr. Phil might ask, “Is that working for you?” How does that reflect your priorities? When are you happiest?

Second, take a look at the people you're associating with. Are they helping you be your best self, or are they pushing you toward stressful, keepin'-up-with- the-Joneses competition? Do people in your circle accept you for who you are, even if you're different from them? If everyone in your office stays until 9pm, can you leave at six and still be a part of the team? If not, why not? Can you step back from the situation and note any one-upsmanship games?

Believe me here. When you align your actions with your priorities, and surround yourself with supportive people, you will immediately feel happier, less stressed and calmer. How do you get there? It may mean you have to plug your ears and not get sucked into the overachieving whirl of your neighbors and friends. You may have to let some people and activities which don't support your priorities go. Yep, you may also have to start saying no to some things, just so you can say yes to what's really important.

(This post first appeared as a column in my September 2006 newsletter.)

I Am Not Superwoman

There appear to be many women who hope to convince themselves and the rest of us that they are perfect. Hair -- perfectly coiffed, colored and curled. Body -- athletic and toned. Wardrobe -- trendy, sexy and stylish. Children -- well-behaved high achievers. Husband -- handsome, wealthy, attentive.

They think they need to be Superwoman. They want everything to be perfect.

But, honey, I know what's going on inside.

In the push to be perfect, they feel anything but. Life is a series of experiences where they are not enough, and can't possibly do enough. They look at the women around them and feel inferior, and hide that they're totally struggling to keep up. They grit their teeth and smile through the stress of Superwoman expectations.

Because I'm a life coach, people often expect me to live that perfect life. Yesterday I was in a shop that sells my book Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living and the store manager said, looking down her aquiline nose at me, "Do you live what you write?" I smiled sweetly and said, "Absolutely."

And I do. But let me share a little something that may just make tomorrow a little easier for all you would-be Superwomen:

I am not Superwoman. Not even close.

Sometimes my only wardrobe concern is: Am I clean?

My house generally, at all times, needs vacuuming.

I have been known to feed my children take-out.

I often forget to return phone calls and am terrible at remembering birthdays.

I can overbook my calendar.

I am divorced.

No, I'm not Superwoman. And I'm really, really glad for that. Because what I am is 100% Michele. I have four priorities and if I can handle those every day, I am doing a pretty good job. Want to know what they are? Be present with my kids and everyone else I meet. Care for my physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health. Learn. Lead.

That's it. That's all. Hair, nails, make-up, shoes? If I get to it, I get to it.

Yep, I am Imperfecta Girl, and I absolutely 100% love my perfectly imperfect life.

If you're struggling to get it right, to be perfect, to have it all, let me ask you: Can you get to the place where you give up attempting to be a mythical Superwoman, and find the place where you're a true Imperfecta Girl -- authentically yourself, happy with exactly what you have, comfortable in your own skin, serving your own priorities? Go on, give it a try. All you have to lose is stress. All you have to gain is your true self. And it will be absolutely OK with me if you don't do it perfectly.

Learner's Permit

Remember when all you could think about was getting your driver's license? Putting your hands on that steering wheel and going for a drive? Looking so cool, even if you were driving your mom's 1971 Grand Safari station wagon with a sucky AM radio. Man, wheels meant freedom. Driving meant adulthood. Nothing could stop you -- you could drive.

I have a learning driver in my household these days and the nutty thing is that I'm learning a great deal about driving just from teaching him the basics.

Of course, teaching means I have to revisit the basics myself, after having driven a car for -- oh, long enough to have driven a car known to explode in rear collisions... a Ford Pinto.

Yep, teaching my son to drive has put me smack dab in what our Buddhist friends call "Beginner's Mind." Beginners know nothing because they've never had the experience before; therefore, they have no expectations and can see so many more possibilities -- possibilities that may elude people who let their experience guide them. Beginners have wonderfully open minds.

So, where are you coasting on your experience in your life, far away from Beginner's Mind? Are you seeing all the possibilities available, or are you so limited by familiar experience that the chance of something new, something exciting, something joyful seems impossible?

We often call this "being in a rut". Sometimes we call it "burn out". Often, we call it "Monday morning".

To hop on out of that rut, get yourself back to Beginner's Mind. How to do it?

Read the instructions. Especially if you are putting together your umpteenth business plan, or resume, or tuna noodle casserole. You know, those things you do on auto-pilot. You may discover that you have omitted an important part of your plan, or that you're neglecting to emphasize something important in your resume. Or that tuna noodle casserole has gone the way of the 1971 Grand Safari wagon.

Pretend you're teaching someone. How would you teach this task to someone else? Lay out the steps. Think it through. Ask yourself, "Is there another way?" or "What would someone need to know here?" When you open your mind this way, you may see something new (and exciting) in the same old, same old.

Brainstorm possibilities with someone 20 years younger than you. When we have expertise in an area, we often adopt the pose of "wise elder" and merely impart our wisdom to younger people, godlike, from our cubicle-sized Mt. Olympus. When true Beginner's mind requires that we seek wisdom from those we might otherwise teach. So ask that junior person what they think -- or how they'd solve the problem. You might just find a big, old, honking Aha! moment, and a really fun new way to do something routine.

Because at its core Beginner's Mind is really fun. I love seeing the world (and the road) through my son's eyes. As he assesses what the dotted and solid lines on the pavement mean, I reassess what they mean, too. As he discusses merging, I am focusing on merging. Perhaps white-knuckled and over-focused on merging as he's ohsoclosetothatcarontheright.

But it's OK. Because I see the possibilities. And that brings me incredible joy.

Finding A Job 2.0

You need a job. $4 Gas has come and gone in the rearview mirror. And milk is more expensive than gas! You really need a job. Like yesterday.

Helpful people are telling you that no one's hiring, times are tough, you might as well give up, yadda yadda yadda.

Depressing. Especially if you want a job in, oh, energy, banking, the car industry...

But let me fill you in on a little secret: jobs are open in other sectors and people are getting hired.

So, how do you find those open positions and get yourself in the interview pool? Use the tools I call "Finding A Job 2.0". Ready?

Think big. Big picture, that is. Take a really big picture look at your skills -- it doesn't matter what the industry is, if you know how to manage people, you know how to manage people. Ditto for handling budgets, problem solving, strategic planning, program management and tons of other areas. Focus on your most transferable skills, and make these the backbone of your search.

Know what you want to do. I know, you need a job. Any job. But when you succinctly define what it is you can do, it makes it so much easier for other people to understand and help you. Develop your own "elevator speech" -- two to three sentences that capture the essence of what you want. For instance, "I'm looking for an executive director or VP position at a non-profit working on green issues. I've worked in this field for fifteen years and really know the issues, and like managing people." I understand that completely, and can refer you to two or three people who can help you.

Network with people you know. Over 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral. That means your Christmas card list, cell phone directory, email contacts, alumni directory and community phone book are your most important tools. Go through these personal lists and identify people who are already in the field where you want to work. Contact them, give them your elevator speech and ask if they know of any openings. Even if they don't have an immediate lightbulb moment, you've planted a seed in their minds -- they'll remember you the next time they hear about something that would be perfect for you.

Network with people you don't know. If a friend says, "You should really meet my friend Tom", then go see Tom. Worst case scenario? You'll meet a new friend. Best case? Tom will know of a job for you. You can also use LinkedIn, Facebook, alumni discussion boards. Consider these opportunities to expand the reach of your resume and bio. Word to the wise? You can spend more time "updating" your social marketing pages than you do working on your job search. Use your time wisely.

Morph your resume. Gone are the days when you had one resume that a printer typeset for you on ivory laid paper. Many resumes are scanned into a humungous database, so make certain the words you use are keywords recruiters will use to fill a position like the one you seek. If you're responding to a particular job opening, tailor your resume to that job. Use the same keywords they use in the job posting. Stress that you have the skills they seek. And feel free to alter your resume for the next opening you pursue.

Write thank you notes. Sure, it's a holdover tactic from Finding A Job 1.0, but, hey, don't fix what ain't broke! The number of people who write thank you notes by hand is dwindling, so you will stand out when you're one of the few who use this tactic. Plus, gratitude is a happy place to be. Expressing your gratitude will increase your overall happiness and keep you positive for your next job interview.

Searching for a job in uncertain economic times is... uncertain. But by employing 2.0 tactics, you can make your job search efficient, effective and maybe, just maybe, quick.

The Sociopath Next Door

For those who wonder how I spend my free time, let me tell you: I've been re-reading The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD.

Sociopaths are the stock players of popular fiction. They're the monsters that heroines played by women like Jodie Foster or Ashley Judd have to face down with steely determination, grit and an extremely large weapon. And nice shoes.

In real life, the deal with sociopaths is this: they have no sense of obligation to anyone, and act without the restraints of conscience. They are solo operators at heart -- lone wolves -- and only use connection with others as a tool to get what they want. And what they want is the thrill of power, manipulation and domination.

Often charming and glib, sociopaths know how to play whatever role they need to play to get what they want. Many can cry crocodile tears on cue, but it's all superficial, an act. There's just no there there. No depth of character. Everything they do is calculated to deliver the goods, and just like our pal Niccolo Machiavelli -- the ends utterly justify the means. If someone gets hurt in the process, too bad. The sociopath has no conscience, so carries no guilt or remorse for his actions.

The DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals, terms sociopathy "Anti-Social Personality Disorder" and says it's present when a person has at least three of seven characteristics: 1) failure to conform to social norms; 2) deceitfulness, manipulativeness; 3) impulsivity, failure to plan ahead; 4) irritability, aggressiveness; 5) reckless disregard for the safety of self or others; 6) consistent irresponsibility; and, 7) lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen something from another person.

We picture oversized characters like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer or Hannibal Lecter when we think about sociopaths, but some sociopaths are actually quite passive. For instance, a man with Anti-Social Personality Disorder might feel he has no obligation to work, so he finds a parade of willing, susceptible people who support him. These sociopaths never do anything, never pay their bills, and never feel guilt for having sponged off someone who loved them.

The key indicator of sociopathy, according to Dr. Stout, is the pity play. This is where the sociopath gets us to feel sorry for him -- it's the guy who beats his wife, then tearfully holds his head in his hands while the bleeding wife comforts him. As Dr. Stout says, "...when these sentiments are wrested out of us by the undeserving, by people whose behavior is consistently antisocial, this is a sure sign that something is wrong."

The sociopath can be the bully at work. Or the guy who sponges off his wife. Or the neighborhood Mrs. Kravitz, who stirs up trouble. The common element? They have no real remorse over their hurtful actions. None. Zippo.

Dr. Stout spends much of her last chapter talking about the nexus between spirituality, community and conscience. Cultures whose spiritual traditions stress the interrelatedness between people and animals and the environment -- the connection between all things -- have less incidence of sociopathy. Cultures which stress individualism and foster isolation tend to have more sociopaths.

Dr. Stout and other researchers estimate that 4% of our population are sociopaths. Friends, that's more than have anorexia or colon cancer. So, it's likely that the most vexing people in your life, as in mine, might just lack a conscience.

If you are facing a situation with another person that where you feel manipulated, controlled, used -- in your marriage, your divorce, your neighborhood, your work, your larger family -- you may want to consider whether the person in question is really among the 96% of people with conscience... or one of the 4% without. And if he's a sociopath, my friend, let distance grow in that relationship. Quickly.

The Simplest Solution

Ever heard of Occam's Razor? William of Ockham was a 14th century monk who labored in Latin on matters of logic. His key observation, translated and traveled through the centuries, is called "Occam's Razor" (obviously spelling mutated over time):

"All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best."

What's this mean for your life?

When you have a problem with someone else: what's the simplest solution? Would it be... telling Karen, who talks to Alex, who mentions something to Tom, who plays golf with the husband of the person you have a problem with? Will that approach solve your problem, or potentially make it worse? Using Occam's Razor to cut away the extraneous steps, we find the simplest solution -- talking with the person directly to handle the problem.

How do you know when you're not using the simplest solution? When you find yourself saying, "I can't", as in "I can't find a new job at my age because I'd have to go back to school, and pass that exam, get certified, and probably move to some new city, which would be really hard on John and the kids." Rather complicated scenario, huh? It's a solution which -- surprise, surprise -- successfully keeps you from doing anything at all. Can we discover the simplest solution? Could it be to find a great job that provides training right in your own home town?

Sometimes it seems we love having the problem so very much that we envision only completely unworkable, complicated solutions -- just so we can hang on to the problem we say we hate (but actually love). It's like: "I need a job but don't want a job but want to revel in what a screw-up I am 'cuz I'm not getting a job." How can we love and hate a problem at the same time? It's called story fondling, and it reinforces negative stuff and keeps us totally and completely stuck in the past.

Identifying the simplest solution is a way to cut through all the debris in your life and find a really good, clean place to be. The simplest solution is always authentic. The simplest solution is easy. The simplest solution is the way to go.

So, when you find yourself tied up in knots trying to find a complicated solution to whatever you face, think of good old William of Ockham and ask yourself: "All other things being equal, what's the simplest solution?"

Random Thoughts

Just some random musings on a summer afternoon:

The waiting may be the hardest part, but sometimes it's the best part.

Want to be happy? Say yes more than you say no, and mean it.

It is unfair that some people are allergic to watermelon.

The best job for you? The one that doesn't feel like work.

Different is not wrong.

When you're giving more love than you're taking out, and it feels effortless and inspiring -- you've found your life's purpose.

Ice cream sandwiches may just be the perfect thing to eat at 3pm on a July afternoon.

How to make a million bucks? Reading glasses that work in the shower.

If you need to talk with your teenager, take a long road trip with him or her. Let 'em drive. That way, they can't wear their IPod.

The majority of people in the world have no access to air conditioning.

The most electable candidate for vice president -- for either party -- is General Colin Powell. Second best choice for McCain? Condoleezza Rice. Wouldn't Dr. King be amazed?

Want to have more love in your life? Be the person you'd fall in love with.

Bring an open mind and open hands to all that you do.

If you don't know, ask. If you do know, let someone ask before you say anything. Which is a darned good cue for me to wrap it up.

Happy summer.

The Songs of Summer

There's something about a song that becomes a hit in summer. Hear it again on the coldest day in January and you are immediately transported back to the top-down, sunglasses on, sun on your skin, scent of Coppertone kind of summer living. Ahhhh.

You know the drill. Summertime, and the living's easy. Yes, In The Summertime (when the weather is high), you might be Sittin' On The Dock Of the Bay, you Girl Watcher, you, hoping to just Drift Away. You've got Good, Good, Good, Good Vibrations because you've just seen the cutest Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini! Hey, that means V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N, in the summertime!

School's Out for summer. Kids say, "See You In September!" (or will I lose you to a summer love?). Hang On, Sloopy. I'm going to Build You Up, Buttercup. My Hips Don't Lie -- I promise it'll be a great summer. You'll be Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon. Or Cruisin' -- remember: if you want it, you got it, forever.

Yeah, we'll go cruising. Just Me And You And A Dog Named Boo, in your Little Deuce Coupe. I'm thinking Myrtle Beach Days, having fun in the waves. Hey, Hey, Baby, you'll be wearing your Swingin' Medallions, on the cutting edge of fashion like always.

Just a tick, I've got an idea. Let's go surfing now, everybody's learning how -- we'll be Surfin' USA. Oh, no! The Tide Is High! Help Me Rhonda -- it's a Wipeout! Hey Ya, let's try something else fun -- all the Summer Girls go to Kokomo to learn the Macarena. Want to join me?

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah, there's going to be a Stoned Soul Picnic this summer. Uncle George will be Grazin' In The Grass, you'll be Drinking Wine, Spo-Dee-Oh-Dee, Aunt June will be Walkin' On Sunshine. What a Sweet Escape.

Can't get away? And it's Summer In the City, back of your neck feeling dirty and gritty. It's like a Heat Wave, burning in your heart. "My," you say to yourself, "It's Hot In Here. I best be Gettin' Jiggy Wit It." So get yourself Up On The Roof. From high above the city, you can see it's really a Funkytown. And, oh, ho, ho, ho those Summer Nights!

You, in your plain white tee, see a friend and shout "Hey There, Delilah!" -- but she's no Hollaback Girl. She's feeling the Summer Breeze as she says, "I Don't Want No Scrubs! What you trying to do -- Steal My Sunshine?" No, our Delilah's Dancing in the Street. The way she dances Mambo No. 5, she might as well be Walking On The Sun.

So, girl, Put Your Records On, play me your favorite song. Go ahead. Let your hair down. It's time for some Hot Fun In The Summertime.

And next January, you'll hear one of these songs -- and it'll be just like having a Pocketful Of Sunshine.

Easy Sledding

Imagine your brain as if it's a sledding hill. When you arrive, it's a pristine, untouched landscape of clean, white snow. Take your first trip down the hill and you leave an imprint of the path your sled has traveled. As the day progresses you see multiple tracks in the snow -- but one or two seem to be more frequently used than others.

This is exactly how you learn. This is how habits -- good and bad -- are formed. This is how thoughts and ideas are entrenched in your mind. Paths are formed in your brain -- use that path over and over and you reinforce behaviors, habits and thoughts.

The snowy hill metaphor comes from Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, associate professor in neurology at Harvard Medical School. Pascual-Leone's ground-breaking work is profiled in The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. And, Doidge shows, the cool thing about your brain is that when a path is blocked in some way -- by injury or illness -- the brain can re-wire itself to take an adjacent path to get where it needs to go.

Experiments have shown just how amazing and malleable our brains are. Consider the puzzle of "phantom limbs" -- extremities amputated but still registering as "present" in the brain. It's as if the communication between the limb and the brain still exists. Why? Because the neural pathways continue to exist! Doidge details an experiment using a mirror box that fools the brain into "seeing" a whole limb in the place of a missing limb. Once the brain registers "oh, there's that hand!", the phantom limb -- with its phantom pain, itch, gestures -- disappears. The brain has taken another path.

Using this new understanding, cutting-edge methods have been developed to help stroke victims learn to re-wire their brain by forging new neural pathways, bypassing damaged areas to regain movement and use of affected parts of their bodies.

Children with attention deficit disorders or learning disabilities are forging new ways of using their brains to overcome their hurdles. Using specific drills and techniques, attention improves and learning increases. Even with autistic children.

All this research confirms what so many of us have been talking about -- that you can change your thoughts and change your life.

Take a look at your most hard-wired thoughts. A person who defaults to telling "un-truths" might be operating with an operating thought like: "She'll get mad when I tell her the truth". Chronic lying reinforces a certain neural pathway -- a pretty stressful one, to boot. What if the lie is found out? If the underlying thought changes to: "She may get mad when I tell the truth, but I can deal with mad", the established pathway is bypassed in favor of a new one -- one that is more positive and less stressful.

If your underlying thought is: "I'm not good enough", you might find yourself depressed, hesitant, lonely, unfulfilled and sad. Changing your thought to "I'm good enough", by examining the roots of the negative thought creates a new neural pathway, and a happier life.

Now, perhaps this sounds too much like Stuart Smalley and his twee affirmations: "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" OK. Got it. But research has shown that creating new thoughts around what you'd like to be or visualizations around how you'd like to act create new ways for the brain to function. So, there's something there we need to take seriously.

And it's this: you are not your thoughts. If your thoughts are not working for you -- creating a positive, abundant attitude -- you can change them. You can overcome your self-imposed limits by working on shifting that which you think you know about yourself and the world. You can re-wire your brain.

All you have to do is point your sled toward another path. And enjoy the ride, baby.