Coming Clean

I have to admit it: I love the TV show "Clean House". I love all the mayhem and foolishness. Just when you think they can't possibly find a more cluttered, junky mess -- they do. It's just unbelievable enough to be real.

Makes me feel a bit better about what I consider my own clutter issues, to tell you the truth. But what I really love about the show is seeing the chaos and unhappiness give way to clarity.

If your clutter issues are threatening to make you a candidate for the show, here's how to get a jump on it and begin to achieve clarity in your own life:

Survey the mayhem and foolishness: Walk around your place with a notebook and a pen. Write down specific cluttered areas -- like that hall closet. Or inside the front door. The junk drawer(s) in the kitchen. Or your teenager's room. All you're doing is making a list -- so breathe easy and write it all down.

Ask yourself why: Look at just one clutter area. Why does stuff collect inside the front door? What kind of stuff is it? Why is it there? Where's the best possible place for the stuff? Do you need a solution -- like a place to put coats, or shelving for backpacks or a basket for mail? If it's more complicated than that -- "I can't bear to let go of my mother's things and face the fact that she passed away eight years ago" -- you may need to be gentle with yourself as old feelings (buried in all that clutter) come to the surface. But don't let those feelings keep you from doing something with momma's bric a brac.

Start to deal: Today is today. Holding on to stuff doesn't bring back yesterday, honey. Yesterday's gone. Bring forward the memories and let the stuff go. You are who you are today, and all that clutter keeps you firmly in the past -- and unable to truly enjoy this moment, right here, right now. Don't I sound just like Niecy Nash? I'm getting me a flower for my hair, y'all.

Have a yard sale: Before you say, "It's more trouble than it's worth" let me just point out that in uncertain economic times wouldn't it be nice to turn your unused clutter into useful dollars? That's all I'm saying. If the idea of a yard sale is too daunting, see if you can organize friends or neighbors to join in one humungous event -- and follow it up with a party. After all that hard work, you deserve some fun!

Redecorate: The final step on Clean House is to make over a chaotic room into something pleasant, modern and...clean. Whether you go for full redecoration a la Mark Brunetz or something more modest, mark your de-cluttering accomplishment with one physical symbol of the change you're manifesting. Get a pretty vase, or a lovely painting, or a wind chime and let that object serve to remind you of the life you'd like to live -- clutter-free.

I recently undertook this process myself. I asked: "Where's my greatest source of clutter-pain?" Answer: "My office is a disaster, full of papers and books, mayhem and foolishness." Why did I have all that stuff on the floor, on the coffee table, on the couch? 'Cuz I had no where to put it. Why? Because the closet in my office was full. Of what? An old filing cabinet that I didn't use and papers dating back to 1993 (I am ashamed to admit).

Two hundred pounds of paper shredded and recycled later, the filing cabinet given away, shelves added to the closet, I am pleased to announce that my office is fabulous. It took two weeks, but it's exactly what I need it to be -- and the pain is long gone.

So, where's your biggest source of clutter-pain? Why does it exist? What can you do about it?

You can channel your own inner Niecy Nash -- put a flower in your hair, get some tough-love going, and get your Clean House on. Uh huh.

Get Yourself Organized

Just can't seem to get organized? Feeling a bit out of control? A little swamped?

Join the club.

And, it's a mighty big club.

Organization may the single most problematic task for most of us, according to my completely unscientific poll of clients, friends and family. Oh, and the mailman. So, how about some tips on how to get organized?

Let me be frank here: if other people think you are disorganized but you are fine with how you live, then it's not a problem. For you. Of course, if you have 25 years of old newspapers stacked ceiling high, 85 cats and 43 cases of yams stacked in untidy pyramids throughout your house, you might want to consider that there's a problem... But it's up to you.

If your disorganization makes you late -- paying bills, keeping appointments, forgetting to take medication -- or prevents you from being truly happy, then you need to make some changes. Here's how:

Identify the problem. Take a notebook and walk around your home, or your office, and make a list of the areas that need attention. Be specific. "Hall closet" or "supply closet", rather than "whole house" or "everything". "Calendar" or "paying bills", rather than "time" or "money". Got it? Once you can identify the problem areas, you can make a plan to begin to attend to them. Cherry-pick the easiest task first, and if none of them seem easy, then pick the area where getting organized is going to have the biggest impact.

Break each problem area down into teeny-tiny little steps. For instance, take "paying bills". What's the optimal bill-paying process? Let's write it down. OK. The mail comes. What do you have to do? Get the mail out of the box. Next? Sort the mail. Pull out the bills. Then what? Put them in a file folder? Pay them on the spot? What feels best for you? No, not throwing them into the trash, as much as you're tempted. (Hey, I know your type.) Remember, what you resist persists, so if you hate paying bills and put it off, and off, and off, the problem will only get worse. So, make it as easy and painless as possible. And if you really, really can't get the task done, outsource it -- to your spouse, your eldest child, or hire a part-time personal assistant.

Tackle one problem at a time. We get overwhelmed when we try to pay the bills, organize the files, recast the calendar and write a strategic plan -- all within the same 20 minute time period. Setting yourself up for failure, that is. Take one project at a time (that pesky "Hall closet") and give yourself a realistic time frame for finishing it -- even if that realistic time frame is three weeks. Remember, if you hit the wall on your project, that's OK. Just keep on making teeny-tiny steps toward progress every day and soon enough the daggone closet will be tidy. That's when you get to execute the very best tip:

Give yourself a reward. Honest. Give yourself something nice for having to do such a boring/nasty/unpleasant task. Make it something you look forward to -- a solid hour of Guitar Hero, for instance; or, a long chat with your best friend. Link the reward with the action, Pavlov-style, and you will begin to look forward to knocking other tasks off your list.

The reward I love is free time. I figure that if I knock a project off thoroughly and don't have to come back to it, I can then loaf absolutely guilt-free. Honey, talk about an incentive! Find the reward that means as much to you and you'll find tackling overwhelming organizational tasks a snap.

Funk Sway

The ancient Chinese art of feng shui seeks to correct or balance the energy in a place so that maximum happiness, prosperity and good fortune can occur. Feng shui is helpful in decluttering, redecorating and renovation. Practitioners train for years to understand the complex rules surrounding the harnessing of "chi" -- the energy that surrounds us.

I have my own method of decluttering, redecorating and harnessing chi. It's simple, with just a few rules. All you need is a CD player and the right music and you can change your life and your chi.

I call it "Funk Sway", and it's based on one universal premise: there is no way to be unhappy when you are dancing to classic funk music.

I am a certified Funk Sway master, and by reading this you will achieve your mastery, too.

Here's what you do: go to the room you want to re-energize. This next step is a very important element to set the tone for the entire Funk Sway process: you must play the funk classic "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" by Wild Cherry. Begin to sway...perchance to dance. When the song has concluded, choose your next song depending on what you'd like to achieve in your life.

To declutter, you must play "Pick Up The Pieces" by the Average White Band. Play it loud. Swaying will happen, trust me. Amid the swaying, and dancing, begin to literally pick up the pieces. In a few short minutes, you will be funk swaying your way into a tidier room!

To affirm your sense of gratitude, you need "Thank You (Falettime Be Mice Elf Agin)" by Sly and the Family Stone. Require some affirmation? It's "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus (and Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan). Want to develop a career in the movies? "Hollywood Swinging" by Kool and the Gang sets the proper tone. Lost something? Why, you need Parliament's "Flashlight" (or maybe a... neon light).

Grateful for your health and body? "Brick House" by the Commodores. Need to focus on being a more empathetic individual? "I Feel For You (I Think I Love You)" by Chaka Khan (Chaka Khan -- you know you always say it twice).

When you have met your objective for your Funk Sway session, the concluding song must be "Give Up The Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker)".

Your environment is now funkified. Your burdens have been laid down, and joy pervades.

It's time to free your inner funkster. Open yourself to the messages of the universe, contained in a brutal back beat and righteous horn section. Sway to the funk. Be one with the funk.

It's time to Funk Sway your chi, y'all.