Life Is An Experiment

It has been brought to my attention that "deciding" is a subject that needs discussion. Deciding -- making a choice or a judgment about something -- can carry such overwhelming heavy freight that it seems so much easier to decide...not to decide.

Not doing anything, though, can prolong pain, suffering and unhappiness. In not deciding, friends, you stay firmly stuck.

So how do you make good decisions?

First, allow yourself this idea: Life Is An Experiment. When you're stuck, viewing yourself as a scientist who applies the scientific method to her hypotheses can give you a little room in which to move.

In the scientific method, you first make an observation and generate a hypothesis about what you observe. Then you come up with a predictable, rigorous way to challenge the hypothesis and you test it. If the data you collect in the test doesn't support the original hypothesis, you get to change your underlying thought -- and maybe move out of stuck.

Here's an example: A 14 year old guy at his first high school dance has this tightly held belief that no girl would possibly dance with him. He's never actually asked anyone to dance, mind you, but jumped right to a hypothesis, based on narrow observations of himself as a guy who is a little too skinny, or too fat, or too pimply, or too dorky. He thinks he's not quite right in so many ways, so he assumes all girls share his observations (many of us make this leap, so let's not be too hard on the lad).

Now, to test the hypothesis that no girl will dance with him: what can he do?

Why, he can ask a girl to dance.

My simple guideline is to test the hypothesis three times. So our young man needs to ask three girls to dance.

In his mind, as a scientist, he's not opening himself to three bouts of rejection. No, sirree. He's merely collecting three data points. Doesn't that feel easier?

If one girl says "yes", and one girl says "no", then his results are inconclusive. It's when he asks the third girl that his hypothesis is either proved or disproved.

But either way, look at what happened: he actually asked someone to dance. Regardless of whether Girl #3 dances or sits like a lump on a folding chair in the corner, our young man has actually put himself out there and done something he previously considered impossible. Just one girl saying "yes" tells him what's possible.

When you face an obstacle in your own life and your hypothesis is something like "this will never work", try the scientific method. Observe. Make a hypothesis. Construct a challenging test of your theory. Test it. Look at the results and change your theory if you need to.

When you view life as an experiment in which you simply collect data points, there is very little that needs to be perfect. You are just conducting tests that provide you with information you need to go forward.

Think of the hypotheses that may govern your life: "I can't lose weight", or "No one would hire me", or "I'm too old to find a new job", "I can't tell my mother how I really feel" -- and apply the scientific method.

Perhaps in the testing of your hypothesis you will find that the data don't truly support your thinking. It's simply your thinking that needs to change.

And then you'll be unstuck.

Procrastinate...Later

People certainly beat themselves up for procrastinating. Well, when they get around to it, they beat themselves up.

But what if procrastinating wasn't that bad? Just think: what if procrastination could actually be good for you?

Example One: You procrastinate about buying that house you toured with your spouse. And three months later, the price has dropped significantly so you buy it at a great savings.

Example Two: You procrastinate about writing that report the boss talked about. And the day before it's due, information comes out that changes the entire strategy -- making your report irrelevant.

Example Three: You procrastinate about having that difficult conversation with your co-worker, only to have her come in and apologize -- and accept responsibility for her actions.

Sure, you could come up with plenty of examples where procrastination can hurt you, like ignoring those stabbing sharp pains on your lower right side ("It's probably just gas, not appendicitis") and ending up with emergency surgery. Granted.

But when you take a look at why you're procrastinating, you can determine whether it's the right thing to do or not.

When you evaluate The Why, you need to consider how you feel about the decision or task at hand. So, sit with it for a minute. How would it feel to own that house? Scary? Too expensive? Is that why you're procrastinating? In this case, procrastination is sending you information -- this house is overpriced. Yay, procrastination!

Sometimes procrastination is a sign that we really don't want to do something. This happens when someone else forces their will on you -- remember when your mother ordered you to clean your room, even though it looked fine to you? When you feel you have no control, you might procrastinate in a slightly passive-aggressive way ("I don't wanna, and I'm not gonna") until you provoke a fight that unleashes all your fury and anger. Cue the slamming door portion of the program.

But you might also procrastinate because you need time to collect your thoughts and make your plans. Planning People may appear to be "last-minute" when they've really been working out the problem in their head for some time. This is the way I write, as a matter of fact. I compose in my noggin all week, then sit down to write in one fell swoop.

Seems to work.

One other reason folks can procrastinate is possibly the most difficult to be aware of -- they procrastinate so they can get out of their own way. These are our friends The Perfectionists.

Perfectionists can't help themselves. They add, or take away, or refine, or fiddle, or tweak. The more time they have, the more they tinker. I once saw a time-elapse film of Picasso creating a painting. There was a point at which he could have stopped and had a masterpiece. But he kept on fiddling and adding. And ended up with a ruined canvas.

When perfectionists learn to get out of their own way by giving themselves less time, rather than more time, they can deliver a more perfect product. Then they have to deal with what might have been if they really had enough time to do it right.

But that's a different column.

Procrastinating might be central to the way you function in the world, and, if that's so, then embrace it. Use it for good. If procrastinating hurts you, or keeps you from fully enjoying your life, then you might spend more time examining exactly why you keep putting things off. Because once you understand that, you understand yourself. Which is central to living a happy life.

The Caregiver's Blues

A nasty virus attacked Chez Woodward this week. It was that pounding-head-upset-stomach-sore-throat-low-fever-body-achy- intestinal-distress kind of virus. The kind of virus where the sufferers lay on the couch under three quilts and moan. Or whine. Or that unique combination of both -- whoaning.

Yep, everybody got it.

Except me.

Which meant I became the Step And Fetch It Girl. The nurse. I tell you, I was freakin' Florence Nightingale. And by mid-day Day Three, Flo was mightily ticked off. And exhausted. And way behind in work. And slightly niggled with guilt, feeling like I hadn't done enough by my sick kids.

This is the predicament caregivers find themselves in. And I felt this way after just three days -- I can only imagine what it feels like to care for an ill loved one for months, or years.

The National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP surveyed caregivers and found some interesting statistics:

• The typical caregiver is a 46-year-old Baby Boomer woman with some college education who works and spends more than 20 hours per week caring for her mother who lives nearby;
• The average length of caregiving is 4.3 years;
• Almost 60% of all caregivers either work or have worked while providing care; and,
• 62 percent have had to make adjustments to their work life, such as reporting late to work or giving up work entirely

The burden on a long-term caregiver can be so difficult to manage. Caregivers often feel anger, guilt, anxiety, exhaustion, an inability to concentrate and depression. These feelings mount, bringing on more unhappiness -- "How can I be so selfish to think of myself when she's so sick?" It's a spiral downward.

But taking care of yourself will allow you to take better care of your loved one. If you find yourself burned out from caring for someone else, here are a few things you can do:

• Manage your stress by taking brief breaks for yourself. Take a walk. Read a magazine. Talk with a friend on the phone. Even 15 minutes can be refreshing -- and help you recharge your batteries.
• Build a support group for yourself. Talk with other caregivers -- share your experiences and learn from theirs.
  
• Share the load. Find people to give you "respite care" -- who can come in for an hour or two to allow you to take some time to attend to other things you may have put off to care for your loved one. Giving other people a chance to show they love and care the ill person can be a great gift for everyone involved. You're only in this alone if you allow yourself to be.
  
• Acknowledge to yourself that what you are doing is hard, and give yourself credit for doing the best you can. It's tough to accept that you might not be able to "fix" the situation, because we all can go to the place where we're superhuman and "should be able to make this work" -- but sometimes... we can't. And acknowledging that is a step towards maintaining your own balance.
• Understand what you can control. You might not be able to control a disease, but you can control the information you need to understand the disease and its treatment. You cannot control the ill person's mood or energy level. You can control your own approach.
  

Caregiving is perhaps the hardest task we can do for each other. It requires patience, endurance, stamina, and lots and lots of love. But, at its essence, taking care of another requires that you take care of yourself. Only then can you provide those you love with the loving care they need.

When To Quit

Every once in a while I have one of those weeks where it seems that every client is talking about the same thing. When that happens, I figure I'm getting some big old honking message.

And I have to write about it.

This week, the ubiqui-topic was "When do I quit?" And there seems to be variety in what it is people want to quit -- quit smoking, quit a job, quit a relationship, quit worrying.

But how do you know it's time? How can you be sure you're clear, and leaving for the right reasons? What are the right reasons, anyway?

It's time to quit when the person you are becoming is someone you don't like. When you're in a job, and as a condition of employment you are expected to fudge facts, shift numbers and lie to customers, you become a person who fudges, shifts and lies. Is that who you want to be?

A relationship that asks you to set aside your own personal goals, your own friends, your own hobbies -- that asks you to nag, or to make excuses for another person, or to change your beliefs -- who are you in that kind of relationship? You're a person with no rudder. You're a person with no self. Is that who you want to be?

It's time to quit when you find that you love having the problem more than the problem loves you. If you find yourself talking about the problem all the time, stewing and fretting, worrying about it, analyzing it, turning the problem over and over in your head -- is that who you want to be? Is that how you want to use your energy?

There's an underlying ubiqui-thought we need to address, friends, and it's: "I should be able to make this work."

Maybe you could make it work. If you were King of The Forest and could control all the elements. So, let me ask you -- do you control your boss? Can you stop him from giving you an ASAP assignment -- at 5pm on New Year's Eve? Can you stop him from lobbing f-bombs at you? Can you stop her from excluding you from important meetings, or distribution of key memos?

Can you make your boyfriend sober? Can you single-handedly restore your spouse to mental health? Is it possible to string together the perfect set of words that will make your boss sit up and say, "By golly, you're absolutely right! I'm a jerk! I am going to change 30 years of my behavior just because of what you said!"

Ah, folks can dream. But we know the truth: you only control yourself, and you only change yourself. "Making this work" often means adapting yourself to something that's unhealthy.

And you become, over time, someone you don't want to be.

"Yes, but..." is another tactic we use to stay stuck in an unhealthy situation. "Yes, but... when he leaves his wife, stops drinking, goes to counseling and gets a job, everything will be perfect." OK. But for now, he's with his wife, drinking, avoiding counseling and unemployed. That's what's real. The "Yes, but..." you're waiting for might never happen.

And who are you becoming while you wait?

You and only you have the opportunity, and the right, to live the life you are meant to live. Quitting that which is unhealthy for you and moving toward that which is healthy can be really, really hard. But it's the only way you become someone you really, really like.