Solving Problems

Ever feel like the world is chock full of problems? There's a problem here, a problem there, and every problem screams for a solution. Ever consider how your life change if you knew, in your very marrow, that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world?

An emotional sponge takes on problems like a city bus takes on passengers -- and ends up feeling overloaded. Plenty of these good folk become my clients because they just can't cope with their burdens.

You know the type. They're the resilient, strong person who has faced plenty of adversity and has developed a sense that there's nothing they can't solve. Their shoulders are broad, and they can carry a huge load. So they keep taking on one tangled situation after another. They carry their kid's problems, their co-worker's problems, their mother's problems, their neighbor's problems and the problems of the woman in front of them in the checkout line. Her biggest complaint? Never enough time.

The emotional sponge can also be the person who defines himself by a willingness to "help". They want to lend a hand, pitch in, offer support. As a result, they say yes to everything. They organize every charity drive, political leafletting effort and recycling program in a hundred mile radius. And they're frazzled.

One more type of emotional sponge -- the person who's so uncertain about her own feelings so she takes on the emotions of those around her. If everyone else is worried about the price of tea in China, she adopts that worry as her own. Like a pinball, she bounces from feeling to feeling, and ends up drained and exhausted.

I was blessed to have a son who had no interest in tying his own shoes -- especially if I was limitlessly willing to get down on my knees and tie them for him. One day I realized that if he didn't learn to tie his shoes himself I might have to visit his college campus daily (not in my plan for 2012, honestly). When I stopped solving his problem for him, he learned to tie his shoes.

And so it is. Maybe we solve other people's problems because it makes us feel useful, or needed, or -- maybe we can admit this -- slightly superior. Regardless, when you take on the problems of others you prevent them from learning the skills to prioritize and solve their own problems.

Your "help" may actually make the problem persist.

Becoming real -- being comfortable in your own skin with who you are -- absolutely requires coming to terms with the idea that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world.

In fact, not every problem can be solved. (Death is permanent, for instance.)

Not every problem should be solved. (Because time alone may resolve it.)

And not every problem is really a problem. (We just make it so to satisfy our own needs.)

If you plant a seed in dirt, and water it, you don't know whether it's growing until a sprout shoots up. If you're worried about its progress and dig up the seed, you'll kill the plant.

The best course of action is to wait. Leave it alone. And trust.

Which is exactly what you do when you step back from the responsibility for fixing every problem. Wait. Watch. Trust.

And, chances are, when you stop solving the problems of the world, you'll have the time you need to focus on the problems that really matter -- your own.

How To Make A Budget

Lotsa talk about money these days. Tightening the old belt. Sticking to the old budget. But how can you stick to a budget when you don't actually have one? Good question, huh?

Financial health is easy -- there are just three questions you have to answer: What have you spent in the past? What do you make? How much can you spend in the future?

So, take out three blank pieces of paper. On the top of one, write "Actuals". On the second piece, write, "Income" and on the third, write "Spending Plan."

Actuals: To figure out your actual spending, you'll need to look at the past three months. Take out your past three checking account statements and credit card statements. On the Actuals sheet of paper, make categories: Housing Expense (mortgage/rent; utilities; repairs), Food Expense (groceries; eating out), Transportation expense (car payment; insurance; gas; maintenance), Clothing Expense, and Other. If you have your own, particular big spending category, such as Education or Medical care, go ahead and list those expenses in a category of your own design.

Now, look at your expenses in each category for the last three months -- add each up and get an average monthly cost. Write down the average monthly spending by category, and get your total.

Somewhere on this sheet of paper, write down the balance for each credit card you own and note your average monthly payment and the interest rate on every account. Think back to the entire year -- did you have any big one-time expenses, like vacations, or orthodonture, or rebuilding a 1965 VW Beetle? Make a note of those expenses, too.

Now, let's move to Income.

On the Income sheet, write down your monthly income -- what you take home after all deductions. If, like me, you have your own business and income fluctuates, make an average of the last three months. If you have a regular income, this part should be easy.

Now, look at the total on your Actuals compared to the total Income.

How does it look?

If your income exceeds your expenses, you're doing great and can continue to the Spending Plan at your own discretion.

If your expenses exceed your income, honey, we've got a little work to do. You can either increase your income or reduce your spending. Just a note here -- if you're not doing everything you can right now to maximize your income, you need to start doing so right away. That may mean you have to start taking a different kind of client (those who pay are a good start), or ask for a raise, or take a different job. If you're working at a discount, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Let's look at reducing your spending. On the top of the Spending Plan sheet of paper, make a note of how much you need to trim from your expenses to come into line with your income. Start by transferring the information from Actuals. If possible, break out as much detail as you can in each category -- utilities, for instance, would be electric, cable, phone, natural gas/heating oil, water/sewer/trash, etc.

OK, so where is the largest expense you can control? Maybe you can lower your transportation expense by using less gasoline, changing the deductible on your insurance, taking the bus or subway, or washing your own car. You may be able to reduce your food costs by eating out less, buying what you know you'll eat -- which may mean the shopping duties go to the most disciplined person in the house.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you have some cash on hand. Take a look at those credit cards -- target the lowest balance with the highest interest rate and pay that sucker off first. Should free up your monthly cash flow.

On the sheet of paper, make a new target for your spending in each category.

You're not done yet, darlings. Now, the hard part.

Total your projected expenses. Add twenty percent. "But," you gasp, "If I do that, my budget won't work!" I know. I'm really, really sorry. You'll have to go back through and make enough reductions to fund this really important twenty percent -- your cushion. This is for when natural gas prices spike to all-time highs. Or your health insurance premium doubles. Or you need a crown. Or you underestimated your real expenses.

If you're really stoked and ready to play, put another ten percent into savings, ten more into charitable giving and another ten into your investments. Doing so means you may have to re-jigger your spending until you get to a truly workable spending plan.

"Too much trouble" is what some of you are saying. I hear you and know just what you're saying. Because I was once exactly like you. But while ignorance may be bliss, it doesn't help when the bill collectors start calling. Take charge of your money, and, believe it or not, you take charge of your life.

What Are You Gonna Do?

Know that moment when someone indicates the sheer futility of action -- when they shrug their shoulders, and say, "What are you gonna do?" Hand gestures optional, of course.

"What are you gonna do?" suggests there's really nothing you can do. The problem is way above your pay grade.

There's a lot of "what are you gonna do?" going around these days. And it's awfully darn easy to feel powerless and at the whim of people and forces greater than you. Sitting back and feeling small takes its toll, though. Adds to stress, depression and encroaching panic.

A wise man once wrote that "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". To get through the uncertainty and powerlessness so many of us feel because we don't really know what we're gonna do about the financial bubble, the housing bubble, the employment bubble, and the numerous other bubbles we hear about with alarming frequency -- well, we can start by taking that first step.

Know your credit score. If there is a global credit crisis, people with good credit scores will be able to write their own ticket. Take a look at your credit report and make a strategy to raise your number. Each credit bureau will give you specific recommendations on how to do that. You might need to start by making your payments on time and in full. Or, if you have too many accounts, close some.

Start paying with cash. Yeah, I know. We're used to whipping out the plastic. If you like the convenience of plastic, use your debit card. Oh, I hear you...you don't have the money in your account to buy your three cups of $4 coffee a day. Do you know that you effectively pay an additional fifty cents for that cup of joe every time you use a credit card? And if you don't pay off your balance in full, it compounds. Which, if I remember my math, means you pay...lots. Why not pay cash so you can keep on buying coffee down the road?

Beef up your job skills. I have had clients who have postponed the education or training their bosses have suggested. Just haven't gotten around to it. But, believe me, when layoffs have to happen the most skilled and cooperative people will be the last to go. If training hasn't been suggested to you, or if you own your own business, ask yourself: what can I learn that can make my work more productive? Then take that class.

Center in your strengths. I work with many coaches who are building their coaching practices. Too often, I see people struggle because they are not centering their business on their own strengths. Too often, they try to build their practices based on what someone told them works. Which often has nothing whatsoever to do with their own, individual strengths. Your strengths always energize you. Work from that place of power, and whatever your work is -- it will thrive.

Double down. It's tempting to face an uncertain economic situation and draw back. But while everyone is retreating in fear, you can move forward by being realistically optimistic. If your budget allows for it, double down on your marketing efforts. If your budget allows for it, take your kids to the fondue restaurant. If your budget allows for it, max out your retirement account.

Vote. One little action. So much power.

Live in gratitude. This morning I woke up and thought about the cheeseburgers I whipped up on the grill last night and was flooded with a wave of gratitude -- I'm so grateful to be able to feed my family. Sound weird? Wouldn't have been to my Dust Bowl-era grandmother.

Panic serves no one. Doesn't make you happier, or more focused, or wealthier. So, "what are you gonna do?" You're gonna take some healthy, strong steps away from panicked powerlessness -- toward a happier life.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Coming Clean

I have to admit it: I love the TV show "Clean House". I love all the mayhem and foolishness. Just when you think they can't possibly find a more cluttered, junky mess -- they do. It's just unbelievable enough to be real.

Makes me feel a bit better about what I consider my own clutter issues, to tell you the truth. But what I really love about the show is seeing the chaos and unhappiness give way to clarity.

If your clutter issues are threatening to make you a candidate for the show, here's how to get a jump on it and begin to achieve clarity in your own life:

Survey the mayhem and foolishness: Walk around your place with a notebook and a pen. Write down specific cluttered areas -- like that hall closet. Or inside the front door. The junk drawer(s) in the kitchen. Or your teenager's room. All you're doing is making a list -- so breathe easy and write it all down.

Ask yourself why: Look at just one clutter area. Why does stuff collect inside the front door? What kind of stuff is it? Why is it there? Where's the best possible place for the stuff? Do you need a solution -- like a place to put coats, or shelving for backpacks or a basket for mail? If it's more complicated than that -- "I can't bear to let go of my mother's things and face the fact that she passed away eight years ago" -- you may need to be gentle with yourself as old feelings (buried in all that clutter) come to the surface. But don't let those feelings keep you from doing something with momma's bric a brac.

Start to deal: Today is today. Holding on to stuff doesn't bring back yesterday, honey. Yesterday's gone. Bring forward the memories and let the stuff go. You are who you are today, and all that clutter keeps you firmly in the past -- and unable to truly enjoy this moment, right here, right now. Don't I sound just like Niecy Nash? I'm getting me a flower for my hair, y'all.

Have a yard sale: Before you say, "It's more trouble than it's worth" let me just point out that in uncertain economic times wouldn't it be nice to turn your unused clutter into useful dollars? That's all I'm saying. If the idea of a yard sale is too daunting, see if you can organize friends or neighbors to join in one humungous event -- and follow it up with a party. After all that hard work, you deserve some fun!

Redecorate: The final step on Clean House is to make over a chaotic room into something pleasant, modern and...clean. Whether you go for full redecoration a la Mark Brunetz or something more modest, mark your de-cluttering accomplishment with one physical symbol of the change you're manifesting. Get a pretty vase, or a lovely painting, or a wind chime and let that object serve to remind you of the life you'd like to live -- clutter-free.

I recently undertook this process myself. I asked: "Where's my greatest source of clutter-pain?" Answer: "My office is a disaster, full of papers and books, mayhem and foolishness." Why did I have all that stuff on the floor, on the coffee table, on the couch? 'Cuz I had no where to put it. Why? Because the closet in my office was full. Of what? An old filing cabinet that I didn't use and papers dating back to 1993 (I am ashamed to admit).

Two hundred pounds of paper shredded and recycled later, the filing cabinet given away, shelves added to the closet, I am pleased to announce that my office is fabulous. It took two weeks, but it's exactly what I need it to be -- and the pain is long gone.

So, where's your biggest source of clutter-pain? Why does it exist? What can you do about it?

You can channel your own inner Niecy Nash -- put a flower in your hair, get some tough-love going, and get your Clean House on. Uh huh.