When Times Are Tough

It's been a tough couple of weeks for yours truly. I've faced a 3-D crisis: Death, Disease and Disappointment. A longtime friend died; a woman dear to me is ill; one of my readers has been given a scary diagnosis; and, someone didn't do what he said he had done. All in all, a challenging time.

How do we get through crisis? How do we function when times are tough? How can we make the best of a bad situation?

Here are some tactics you can use when you face tough times:

First, don't hurry through difficulties. I know, I know. Sounds counter-intuitive, huh? But finding a solution to a set of difficult problems may take time -- and if you rush, you can find yourself applying the wrong solutions, which can completely compound the problem.

Second, accept the gifts difficulty has to offer. Another counter-intuitive thought? Not really. It's only by fully experiencing the lows that we can fully experience the highs. I believe it's impossible to live in bliss. Bliss is something that can be touched and savored in the moment -- but it's incredibly hard to sustain. Fully feeling sadness, hurt, vulnerability, disappointment and fear allows us to understand and learn. And to remember we're only human.

Third, make sure you are surrounded by a team of people ready to help and support you. In my case, my team "floats" depending on what I need. Sometimes my team includes a lawyer (or two), an accountant, a teacher, a consultant or another coach. Sometimes my team consists of three wise women and two bottles of wine. The latter is infinitely more fun than the former, with no offense meant to lawyers and accountants who can be fun in their own special ways. In my "Thinking About Starting Your Own Business" and "Writing Your Own Personal Strategic Plan" workshops, I ask participants to inventory the folks they'll need on their team to meet their objectives. It's a good idea to identify your "crisis team" when times are good -- so when times get tough, you know who to call. And, if you don't know who to call, rely on friends, family and colleagues to give you good referrals.

Fourth, if your crisis takes you by complete surprise and you have that deer-in-the-headlights feeling -- do this: think of someone you know who's experienced your crisis before and pretend you're her. "Carol would ask these questions," you can tell yourself. Then proceed to ask all of Carol's questions, which may prompt a few of your own. Our friends the mental health professionals call this "modeling" but you can also call it "surviving" -- just until you have the information and strength to get going again.

Finally, remind yourself that you are a resilient person. You haven't gotten this far without weathering a few storms, right? Reflect on other tough times you have faced-- you made it through, didn't you? You learned something. You made deeper connections with others. You grew stronger.

When times are tough, we are being challenged to our very core to dig deep and be the best people we can be in that moment. The good news is that tough times don't last forever. And when they pass, our hearts are open to grateful living -- and anticipation of the inevitable good times to come.

The Power of Discipline

I was reading Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice Of Love, and came across the most interesting idea. So interesting, in fact, that I grabbed the closest thing I could write on (the back of an envelope, a la Abe Lincoln), and wrote "Discipline gives you a sense of your inner strength."

When I look back at my life, I see quite clearly that there have been times when I've been undisciplined -- and those are generally very chaotic periods. However, when I have been more disciplined, I realize, I move more swiftly through crisis.

I wondered, "If I have a coaching client who feels overwhelmed, would it be helpful to suggest they find one place in their life to exert some discipline?" By Jove, I think I've got something there.

Isn't it funny that three words which were of such great importance to earlier generations -- sacrifice, obedience, discipline -- have been made into veritable four-letter words in this generation? Somehow, sacrifice, obedience and discipline are stodgy. They limit our self-expression. They repress us. They're for squares, man.

But the flip side to the "if it feels good, do it" school of anti-discipline can be a feeling that resistance is not only futile, but that we are not strong enough to resist. Take away the extraneous words in that sentence and you're left with: "...we are not strong enough..."

That's a pretty sad way to look at life. Not very positive, forward-looking or powerful, huh? But a fairly widely held view, if you just take my clients' word for it.

When I feel disciplined enough to exercise, I not only feel better about my body, but I feel better about my ability to stick to it. My dear cousin Joe, who is sneaking up on his 50th birthday, started an exercise program eight weeks ago. Now, I love this dear man. But he's not the exercising type. He's an artist, a historian, a thinker. When he told me he'd joined the gym near his house and was exercising every day at 5:30am, I thought, "Yeah, right. We'll see how long THIS lasts." How wrong I was. Joe is trimmer, he looks great -- but most of all, he's reconnected with his inner strength. With his ability to be disciplined.

Discipline doesn't have to be dour. Don't you just visualize some joyless, self-sacrificing, beige kind of person when you think of discipline? OK, there is a quartile of you who thinks of some dominatrix named Helga, but shake that off, will you?

Let's reframe discipline. Think about discipline as making inviolable time to be with your children. To connect with friends. To build your community. How about the discipline to attend to your own self-care? To honor yourself by feeding yourself well, or taking yourself in for a flu shot, or buying yourself a gift.

I have begun taking myself out on dates. Sound weird? Here's how it goes. I ask myself, "What would be fun to do?" Maybe I take myself to dinner and a movie. Not dinner from a fast-food drive-in window, but at a real restaurant with tables and waiters and stuff. I order whatever sounds good on the menu and a glass of wine. Then, I choose a movie I really want to see and buy myself a ticket. Sure, doing this with a friend is lovely. But doing it for myself is affirming.

I treat myself as I would treat a guest.

And I end up feeling pampered, and cared for, and... dare I say it?...happy.

Discipline gives you a sense of your own inner strength. Having discipline is all about choosing to make the most of your life. You make choices to support yourself -- because you are strong enough to do that. If you're feeling overwhelmed, or oppressed, or chaotic, take a moment and find one little area of your life where you can reconnect with your own inner strength -- even if you feel you don't have any, or other folks tell you that you have no right to strength -- you can find it. Then nurture it. It will grow. Then, let your inner strength build the life you are meant to have.