Whelmed

The other day a woman reported that she was feeling overwhelmed -- she was trying to do so much that she felt she wasn't doing anything well. Was multi-tasking the answer, she asked?

No, I answered, multi-tasking doesn't really work. Try mono-tasking instead. Do one thing at a time. Do it thoroughly and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. Mono-tasking.

When you're multi-tasking -- trying to do two or three things simultaneously -- you end up doing none of them well. Your stress level goes through the roof.

Face it, there's just one you. You have the wondrous ability to give 100% of your attention to something. Multi-tasking asks you to divide your attention, and you end up with less than 100% on each task -- and this is where errors occur... you end up spending more time fixing the resulting problems than you would if you gave the task all of your attention at the start.

Reading a memo while on a conference call when researching data and preparing a Power Point -- you're not truly engaged in any of these tasks and probably won't have a great result. How much better to be truly present for the one minute it takes to read the memo, then participate fully in the conference call and make time later to do thorough, comprehensive research before you design the Power Point. That seems doable, manageable and calm, doesn't it?

The opposite of overwhelmed, of course, is underwhelmed. Underwhelmed is what teachers generally feel about the work product of boys in their first year of high school. Wives are often underwhelmed by the anniversary gifts their husbands proffer -- word to the wise: just because Hallmark says it's the Paper Anniversary doesn't mean paper towels are an appropriate gift. Hallmark is referring to the wrapping paper around the gift. Honey, every anniversary is the jewelry anniversary. That's all you need to remember.

Underwhelm is often about our expectations of what others should be doing. And you know I have a deep dislike of the word 'should'. In my life, I simply replace 'should' with 'choose' and feel so much happier. Rather than saying, "Charlie shouldn't have shopped at 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve for my gift", you can get to a level of acceptance when you realize Charlie chose to give you that box of frozen burritos -- and you can ask him about that choice.

(By the way, Charlie, see above reference to The Jewelry Rule for Anniversaries. Same rule applies to Christmas. You're welcome.)

Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. It occurred to me this week that no one ever says, "I feel whelmed." We're always over or under.

Wouldn't it be lovely to answer the question, "How you doing today?" with "I'm whelmed, thank you very much! And you?"

Whelmed -- the point at which you are neither over nor under. You are not fruitlessly multi-tasking. You are balanced. You are paying appropriate attention and spending appropriate time on your tasks.

You are whelmed.

As the holidays approach with their attendant stressful opportunities for overwhelming tasks and underwhelming performance by others -- reduce your stress by choosing to be whelmed. Whelmed one task at a time.

Walking The Walk

Those of you who have worked with me know that sometimes I pull something and use it in a way it may not have been intended. I may use a marketing tool to assess your life. Or take a parenting technique and apply it to your business. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman is one of those multi-purpose tools I find myself using time and time again.

The book is designed for couples -- to bring them closer together. But I have found the information especially useful in a workplace setting. Let me 'splain, Lucy.

Dr. Chapman, a marriage counselor with over 30 years of experience, suggests that there are five primary ways people experience feeling loved. They are:

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Gifts

Words of Affirmation

So let's look at each Love Language. Physical Touch people feel loved when they are in physical contact with others -- hugs, pats on the back, sex. In a workplace setting, Physical Touch people must be very, very careful... but if you supervise someone who is "touchy-feely", you may find a literal pat on the back may do wonders for his performance.

Quality Time folks like spending one-on-one time with another person. They will make time for you, and like when you make time for them. If someone continually finds excuses to linger in your office, they might be a Quality Time person, trying to satisfy that need.

People motivated by Acts of Service will do things for you. At home, these are people who fold and put away your laundry. Or do your dishes. Or get your car inspected, or your tires rotated. In the office, these folks might offer to get you lunch while they get their own. Or bring you a package from the front desk they just happened to spot.

Although we'd like to think that Gifts are restricted to small blue boxes from Tiffany's, Gifts can be as small as a cookie from a favorite restaurant, or a souvenir from a trip. Gifts people like knowing you were thinking of them when you were apart. Finally, people motivated by Words of Affirmation need to be told that they are valued and appreciated.

Dr. Chapman says that often we speak to others using our own Love Language -- which may or may not be relevant to the other person. This is how relationships get in trouble -- I tell you you're wonderful because I'm a Words of Affirmation person, and it means absolutely nothing to you because you're an Acts of Service person. "Sweet words are nice, but what have you done for me lately?" might be the response.

Many troubled marriages, suggests Chapman, could be saved if only the partners would speak each other's Love Language. When you consider how many women report that their husbands never "do anything around the house" -- they're expressing their Acts of Service orientation -- and how many men complain that they don't get enough sex -- they're expressing their Physical Touch leanings -- the concept of speaking Love Languages to each other becomes very clear.

Wouldn't it be fascinating to consider that the difficult boss you struggle with could be transformed - - if you just started speaking to him in his Love Language? Do a few Acts of Service, and diffuse the tension. Give him some Words of Affirmation and get him off your back...

Dr. Chapman's main point is that if you speak the other person's Love Language rather than your own, you will fill up their "Love Tank" -- increasing their attachment and regard for you -- and create a happier, healthier relationship.

I have to tell you that this really works. It works with partners, children, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers. It even works with ex-spouses! Many people have a primary language as well as a secondary one -- make it your business to know the Love Language of those important to you, as well as your own, and you will greatly increase your life satisfaction. Promise.

Extreme Jobs

How many hours a week do you work? Do you travel? Do you supervise or mentor people? Are you required to be available to clients 24/7? Do you have to attend work-related events outside of regular work hours? Are there even such things as "regular work hours" where you work?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you might just have what Sylvia Ann Hewlett calls an "Extreme Job." In her book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success, Hewlett discusses the rise of extreme jobism as a barrier which keeps women from the executive suite, but also keeps men stressed and harried. It's true, fewer women with children hold extreme jobs than do men -- mainly because of the competing demands of work and family. Women who are also moms tend to step down, or away, from extreme jobs in an effort to find a balance in their lives.

Hewlett backs up her arguments with terrific research. In surveys, people in extreme jobs report the toll their work life takes on their health -- "more than two thirds don't get enough sleep, half don't get enough exercise, and a significant number overeat, consume too much alcohol, or rely on medications to relieve insomnia or anxiety," Hewlett finds.

But the biggest toll comes in the personal life of people with extreme jobs. Hewlett cites Arlie Hochschild's book The Time Bind, and talks about the stress on a relationship when both people work long hours at demanding jobs. "Hochchild shows that for many professionals 'home' and 'work' have reversed roles: home is where you expect to find stress -- and guilt; while work has become the 'haven in a heartless world' -- the place where you get strokes and respect, a place where success is more predictable."

Just about the same time I read Hewlett's book, the Washington Post ran an article about workaholism. Serendipitous coincidence for me, because I was able to connect some dots. The Post article suggested workaholics take a look at relationships in the family, and ask, "Do you routinely get home after the kids are in bed? Miss important family events? Do you get impatient with family members because you have so much work to do?" The Post quotes Chris Essex from the Center for Work and the Family who says that some workaholics "choose to stay at work because family is harder work. They have skills and training that allow them to be successful at work, but they don't have the skills and training to be successful at home."

See a theme here?

It seems that sometimes people use the demands of their job as a barrier to real, deep connection with others. Busy single people can't make plans with others; busy married people can't make plans with their families. Which is one big, honking way to avoid connecting with people at all.

Kinda sad, isn't it?

The rules and roles are well-defined at work -- thus giving the control freak among us plenty of comfort. At home, however, the footing's somewhat dicier, and harder to control. So, stay at work -- in the comfort zone -- or come home, where all bets are off.

If you recognize yourself in this paradigm, there are some things you can do to begin balancing your life and making deeper connections with your family and friends:

1) Start measuring yourself by a new yardstick. Rather than making your long hours and demanding schedule a "badge of honor", define yourself in other ways -- as a good parent, a good friend, a good squash player. So many times I've been in situations where one person talks about how demanding their job is only to have the next person "one-up" with how demanding their job is. If you find yourself in this kind of dueling banjos, just stop. De-escalate. You'll be doing everyone a favor if you are a walking example of a happy, balanced life.

2) If you are the boss and you demand that your staff model your driven behavior, ask yourself if that's really necessary. Do you have stressed-out people? Do you have people who are frequently ill? How's morale? Do you have high turnover? Hewlett points out that it costs one and a half times a person's salary to replace them -- it costs more the higher in the organization you go. Workaholism, then, costs you more as a manager than it likely gets you. Change the group think, and you will get happier, more productive people who like what they do -- and, as I've often found -- will stay loyal to you and your organization.

3) Get some training. Go to a couples retreat, take some parenting classes or take up a hobby. In our workplaces we get leadership training, diversity training, computer training, ethics training, team building exercises and stress management classes. Why don't we do this in our own homes? Make a "training schedule" for your non-work life, and build those skills which might be lacking. If you can find rewards from this kind of training -- more sex, more happiness, more connection, more fun (just to name a few) -- then the reward of an extreme job begins to pale in comparison. Believe me.

The bottom line is this: where you put your attention will grown more important in your life. If you put 120% of your attention on your work life, how much do you have for the rest of you? -80% is my guess. I'm not saying you can't be successful. You can be. I'm not saying you can't work hard. You can. The goal is balance. Work smart. Work efficient. Define yourself by your whole life, not just one part of it. It's in that balance that life has the most meaning. And the most joy.

Supply & Demand

"I don't even know who I am any more," the 40-something woman across the table said to me. "Am I just someone's mom? Someone's wife? The chauffeur? The person who does the laundry and cooks the meals? Is that all I am?"

It's a perverse irony -- we love to do things for others, yet by doing so we often lose ourselves. We're always ready to help others, always available to tend to that which needs tending. We’re so accommodating that our help becomes expected rather than appreciated.

It's a fact that when things become too easy, too plentiful, too ubiquitous, they are often taken for granted. This is true whether it's a person place or thing. The bottom line is that when something is too available, it is less valuable.

But that's supply and demand for you. Too much supply in the system yields lower value. More demand than supply raises value.

If you are someone who derives meaning and purpose from being needed, you may find that your willingness to drop your priorities to help others meet their priorities devalues both you and what you want to do.

Here’s an example: The laundry is always done on time. Your family comes to expect it. There is always food, and no one fixes meals but you. You help with homework. You come running when called. Even when you are knee deep in paying bills, figuring income taxes or coordinating the big fundraiser, you drop what you are doing to help someone else. You feel frustrated because you never seem to finish anything, and you can't concentrate long enough to focus on the big picture.

Another example: You have a big project on your dance card. You chunk it up into doable steps and make a plan for getting it all done on time. Then Jim pops his head into your cube and says, "Can you help me with the Framastan contract?" You like being needed, especially by Jim (who is a good guy but REALLY needy), so you say, "Sure!" Next thing you know, Jim is presenting and not mentioning that you helped in any way -- and your project is still not done.

An example of putting your own needs last: Your source of soul-boosting strength is full sweat mountain biking. However, whenever you go biking you feel guilty if you don't bring your two year old along in a bike seat, and your five year old along on his own bike. They can't manage trails, so you stick to the flat path. You never break a sweat and your soul is teased, but not nourished.

When your needs are always trumped by another’s needs, you telegraph the message “I am not important.” Oh, you may feel important in the doing, and in being needed. But if your own objectives and priorities are not valued – even by you – your own objectives and priorities will fall by the wayside.

When you provide endless supply, the value of what you provide is diminished. In fact, your very sense of self becomes diminished.

How do you get supply and demand into appropriate balance? Start by honoring your own needs, values, objectives and priorities. Easier said than done? OK, I’ll give you a script.

Your child yells, “Hey, come look at this!” You say, “Sweetie pie, I am working on the taxes and can’t come right now. Can you explain to me what you see?” That way, if what he wants you to see is a commercial for Snappy-Poppy O’s or an escaped gerbil or, oh, blood, you can react accordingly. You are also teaching him that what you do is important and deserves respect. A great life lesson.

Jim asks for help on the Framastan contract. You say, “Jim, I’d love to help you but I have to get this project done by Thursday at 3pm. Can I help you after that?” In all likelihood, Jim will move on and look for another sucker to do his work for him. And you have proven that you are not that sucker.

You plan to go mountain biking to work up a sweat and feed your soul. Keep that objective in mind and leave the kids at home in the care of someone wonderful (then, when you get home and are showered, push that caring someone out the door for his or her own soul-feeding time). Prioritize your “me time” – because doing so helps you be a better parent.

Sometimes your over-supply of “help and assistance” can be read as “You are not capable of doing this for yourself” or “You will make a muddle of this, so I am going to take care of it.” Both of these sentiments completely disempower the other person. Think about it: when you go on a girl’s weekend once a year and always arrange a babysitter to support your husband, what message are you sending? That he’s incapable of effective parenting? Then why in the world do you complain that he never does anything? You’ve already sent him the message that he can’t, loud and clear.

We lose ourselves, like the 40-year old woman I talked with, when we devalue our selves by being too available, and not honoring our own needs and objectives. So, be careful of what you supply. Calibrate your help and assistance to meet reasonable demands. Keep your value up by giving others the chance to meet their own demands. You have a right to know who you are, and you get it through a steady supply of self-respect.

Questions & Answers

More than once I have been known to say, "Work is a four-letter word." And, sometimes it is -- I sense a lot of heads nodding in unison. Yet, at times work transcends and becomes something which gives meaning and purpose to our lives. Coaching can help you move from soul-sucking, four-letter-word work to fulfilling, meaningful work. Coaching can also help improve other parts of your life. Let me give you some examples:

I can't stand my boss. She makes my day miserable. She's a horrible leader -- she can't make decisions, she avoids conflicts, she passes most of the tough decisions on to me. That means I have even more work to do! She also loses her temper and rages around the office. She's really unpredictable. What can I do?

Quit. No, I'm just sort of kidding. OK, I might not be kidding. In all things, I suggest you give a situation your best shot before throwing in the towel. That way you can walk away knowing that you tried everything possible to make a situation work. When you have problems with your boss, usually it's one of two things: 1) your Bully Boss reminds you of someone you've had trouble with in the past, or 2) your Bully Boss exhibits traits you wish you had yourself. I often ask clients who their Bully Boss reminds them of -- and they usually know exactly who to finger (most frequently they're reminded of a tyrannical parent or other powerful figure from their childhood).

Then, we look at what it is that's similar (inexplicable rage, unpredictability, favoritism, etc.) and work on understanding how that influences your actions, or holds you back. When the Bully Boss has traits you wish you had -- you might say, "No way! I'm nothing like that bully!" To which I say, "Way", and ask you to list everything you hate about the Bully Boss. Then we'll go back through the list and figure out what you need to strengthen or to claim.

In one case, a client was perturbed that the Boss always brown-nosed more senior people, asking them to lunch or coffee or other activities. After doing an exercise or two, the client realized that she was envious of her Bully Boss, because the client wished she had the gumption to interact with senior staff. She made a goal of asking a Senior V.P. to lunch, and it worked. Her tension with her boss lessened substantially. However, if you look at how your own judgments and biases may be contributing to your work environment and still determine that the problem is your boss -- then get your resume together, activate your network and throw in the towel. Some situations cannot be fixed.

I've just been promoted to a big job -- I'm managing some of the people who were interviewed for this position. There's a lot of back-stabbing and office politics. How do I make the most of my new job?

First, you have to play the part. If you are a manager or senior executive, you have to own that role. Notice what the other senior people wear, and match their level of professional dress. Impressions about you are made in the very first few weeks of your new job -- claim your authority from the beginning. I have a client who started as an executive at a major organization where few women were in senior ranks. So my client dressed and acted how she thought an executive should, and no one doubted her authority. In fact, she was promoted in the first two months on the job.

The second part of this scenario is more complicated -- managing someone who was considered for the position you now hold. Yikes! The best strategy is to win that person over. Ask about their successes and carefully seek their opinion. I say "carefully" because you don't want to cede your authority to them. Rather, keep in mind that you want to foster a harmonious team and act accordingly. Do your best to avoid office gossip -- as a manager, you set the tone and can send a message that damaging, back-stabbing office gossip will not be tolerated. Finally, taking a new, big job might be slightly scary and you might be tempted to use self-deprecating humor to break the ice. Big honking mistake. If you "run yourself down", as your mama would say, you leave yourself wide open for others to do the same. Act confidently and leave your insecurities at home.

I'm scared of making decisions. I think that whatever I do, I'll make the wrong choice and live to regret it. Any advice?

I believe the vast majority of human beings are influenced by fear. Specifically, the fear of death. And my recommended antidote? Walk right into the fear. If you are afraid of dying, you'll do anything to avoid situations where you could possibly, potentially, tangentially die. You avoid talk of death, and maybe even avoid funerals.

All this avoidance only serves to make your fear bigger. When you walk up to your fear and shake its hand, you may find that the fear is groundless and not worth fearing. In that instance, you can walk right through your fear -- and not be hamstrung by it any longer. This is true when you fear another person's rage, when you fear failure, when you fear shame. Walk up to it and ask, "Why am I afraid of you? What will happen to me because of you?" Keep asking, "What happens next?" until you get to the point where you understand exactly what your fear is... and shake its hand. I promise, you will have a better chance of walking through to no-fear than if you keep avoiding what makes you fearful in the first place.

I'm 53, divorced, empty-nester. I've had a job at a non-profit but it's not fulfilling any more. My kids are gone and starting lives of their own. I have a good ten or fifteen years before I retire -- what do I do with myself?

When looking up the road, it's often useful to look back down the road we've already traveled. As your coach, I'd start by helping you assess your core values and see how you have lived them, or, perhaps subordinated them in service of some other priority. By knowing your values, you can construct a future based on them -- thereby increasing your sense of meaning and purpose. We'd also consider how much money you need to make (not want, sugar -- need, and YOU KNOW there is a difference) and how you want to live. These simple two steps put folks a long way toward what might be a surprising, meaningful, brand-new road.

I think I'm married to the wrong person. There's just no 'zing' in our marriage. He takes care of the basics but there's no romance. Whenever I ask him to do something -- like talk with me more about his feelings, or share his life with me -- he does it for a few days then goes right back into the rut. We hardly ever have sex. It almost feels like we don't have anything in common. I can't be married like this for the rest of my life! What do I do?

Simple advice: Get thee into therapy. As a coach, I've taken specialized training to help couples strengthen their marriages. I can help with tips and tactics to improve the quality of your marriage, but when you feel like this about your marriage, you are a zillion times more likely to do something you might ultimately regret (just because Stella got her groove back with a handsome young man, doesn't mean you will).

In therapy, you can voice your concerns about your marriage and learn skills and tactics to enhance your relationship. I particularly like the Imago therapy approach developed by Harville Hendrix (his Getting the Love You Want is a great book). Go to www.imagotherapy.com and search for a qualified Imago therapist in your area. Many of my clients work with me individually while also working with a couples counselor. As I mentioned above, don't throw in the towel until you've tried everything to make it work -- which includes a commitment to couples counseling.

Help!

“I lift up my eyes to the hills – from where will my help come?” (Psalm 121) This line from the Bible has always made me think of the cavalry swooping down over a ridge in some old western movie, bugles blaring and standards waving.

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth,” is the response the Psalm gives us. No word on the cavalry.

One of my biggest problems with “self-help” is the reliance on the word “self”. There’s one big “should” there – we should pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, forge our own path, fly solo, hoe our own row and, as Fleetwood Mac so succinctly put it, “go our own way.” It’s as if asking for help is revealing a giant weakness.

What’s the benefit of flying solo? Control, yes. And self-determination. Another good one: you don’t have to share your toys. When you are on your own no one else’s opinion matters… no one can tell you you’re wrong. No one can hurt you by rejecting your ideas.

Flying solo is a way of protecting yourself. Or, in the words of another pop song, “I am a rock, I am an island. I’ve built walls, A fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island.” (See? All those afternoons singing into my hairbrush have really paid off. And to think my parents worried about my future!)

I have seen so many women stop asking their husbands for help, especially when they have decided to step back from careers to focus on parenting. It’s as if these women feel they have to justify their decision by doing everything themselves. As a result, they feel lonely, overwhelmed, stressed out and alienated from their spouse. They have created a situation where they cannot ask for exactly what they need – help. And marriages suffer.

Gary Zukav wrote a challenging little book called The Seat of the Soul. Parts of the book are what my late cousin Libby would have called “woo-woo”, but his definition of relationship is right on: “individuals joined in equality for the purpose of spiritual growth.” What a marvelous way to phrase it.

If I am your friend, or your spouse, I am an individual committed to your spiritual growth. I truly want the best for you. I want you to grow. I want you to evolve, regardless of what that means for me.

However. The equals thing and the pursuit of growth thing may not be what you've got going on. If that's the case, maybe the reason you two don't ask for help is because you really don't want growth. Deep inside you think that if you grow you might change or your partner might change. They might not like you. You may not like them. You might leave. Or they might. That's scary. So you don't ask for help because you don't want to be abandoned. You're afraid that asking for help will reveal flaws in your relationship that may be too big to handle, so you don't ask. Sound at all familiar?

Let me tell you this: very few relationships are beyond repair -- especially if both of you want a more vibrant, loving connection. It is possible to shift away from fear and toward something more -- but you may need help to get there.

All you need to do is ask.

If you and I were in the equals-in-pursuit-of-growth kind of relationship/ friendship Gary Zukav describes, I want you to ask me for help. Not so I have a chit I can hold over your head for the rest of your stinkin’ life – but so I can help you, maybe in some small way, pursue your own personal growth.

But, if you want to know the truth, when I help you the real recipient of growth is... me. When I help you, I step out of my self-centered, narcissistic cocoon and focus externally. When I pack boxes with you, or help you with the dishes, or refer you business, or help you finally figure out your relationship with your mother, I put your needs before my own. And that is a great gift you give me. By asking for my help, you allow me to see a bigger world than I usually experience.

Zukav’s book also talks about angels, teachers and guides. This is the place he goes a little more woo-woo.

But when you think about it, it’s not so far out there.

Think about the time you had a baby on one hip, a toddler by the hand, three stuffed shopping bags and a stroller that needed folding before you got on the escalator during the Christmas shopping rush. Who stepped in and helped? Did you say, “Thank you, you're an angel!” to that guy? You sure could have. How about the woman in your first job who talked with you about suits, pantyhose and office politics? What did she teach you? And the fellow who stopped in the rain and changed your tire? Did he guide you to a moment when you were grateful and humble?

When the Psalm says, “From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth” -- remember that each of the examples above are human beings, just like you and me. If humans were indeed made in the divine image, then we all carry a spark of divinity within. You’ve got the spark, I’ve got the spark, he’s got it, she’s got it. Everybody's got it.

And your help? It comes directly from the divine spark within others.

So it’s OK to ask for help. Think of it this way: you’re doing everyone a favor! You’re appealing to our highest self, and allowing us to grow, and to touch the divine within.

Which is the essence of love. And the opposite of fear.

And not at all weak.