The Sociopath Next Door

For those who wonder how I spend my free time, let me tell you: I've been re-reading The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD.

Sociopaths are the stock players of popular fiction. They're the monsters that heroines played by women like Jodie Foster or Ashley Judd have to face down with steely determination, grit and an extremely large weapon. And nice shoes.

In real life, the deal with sociopaths is this: they have no sense of obligation to anyone, and act without the restraints of conscience. They are solo operators at heart -- lone wolves -- and only use connection with others as a tool to get what they want. And what they want is the thrill of power, manipulation and domination.

Often charming and glib, sociopaths know how to play whatever role they need to play to get what they want. Many can cry crocodile tears on cue, but it's all superficial, an act. There's just no there there. No depth of character. Everything they do is calculated to deliver the goods, and just like our pal Niccolo Machiavelli -- the ends utterly justify the means. If someone gets hurt in the process, too bad. The sociopath has no conscience, so carries no guilt or remorse for his actions.

The DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals, terms sociopathy "Anti-Social Personality Disorder" and says it's present when a person has at least three of seven characteristics: 1) failure to conform to social norms; 2) deceitfulness, manipulativeness; 3) impulsivity, failure to plan ahead; 4) irritability, aggressiveness; 5) reckless disregard for the safety of self or others; 6) consistent irresponsibility; and, 7) lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen something from another person.

We picture oversized characters like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer or Hannibal Lecter when we think about sociopaths, but some sociopaths are actually quite passive. For instance, a man with Anti-Social Personality Disorder might feel he has no obligation to work, so he finds a parade of willing, susceptible people who support him. These sociopaths never do anything, never pay their bills, and never feel guilt for having sponged off someone who loved them.

The key indicator of sociopathy, according to Dr. Stout, is the pity play. This is where the sociopath gets us to feel sorry for him -- it's the guy who beats his wife, then tearfully holds his head in his hands while the bleeding wife comforts him. As Dr. Stout says, "...when these sentiments are wrested out of us by the undeserving, by people whose behavior is consistently antisocial, this is a sure sign that something is wrong."

The sociopath can be the bully at work. Or the guy who sponges off his wife. Or the neighborhood Mrs. Kravitz, who stirs up trouble. The common element? They have no real remorse over their hurtful actions. None. Zippo.

Dr. Stout spends much of her last chapter talking about the nexus between spirituality, community and conscience. Cultures whose spiritual traditions stress the interrelatedness between people and animals and the environment -- the connection between all things -- have less incidence of sociopathy. Cultures which stress individualism and foster isolation tend to have more sociopaths.

Dr. Stout and other researchers estimate that 4% of our population are sociopaths. Friends, that's more than have anorexia or colon cancer. So, it's likely that the most vexing people in your life, as in mine, might just lack a conscience.

If you are facing a situation with another person that where you feel manipulated, controlled, used -- in your marriage, your divorce, your neighborhood, your work, your larger family -- you may want to consider whether the person in question is really among the 96% of people with conscience... or one of the 4% without. And if he's a sociopath, my friend, let distance grow in that relationship. Quickly.

The Simplest Solution

Ever heard of Occam's Razor? William of Ockham was a 14th century monk who labored in Latin on matters of logic. His key observation, translated and traveled through the centuries, is called "Occam's Razor" (obviously spelling mutated over time):

"All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best."

What's this mean for your life?

When you have a problem with someone else: what's the simplest solution? Would it be... telling Karen, who talks to Alex, who mentions something to Tom, who plays golf with the husband of the person you have a problem with? Will that approach solve your problem, or potentially make it worse? Using Occam's Razor to cut away the extraneous steps, we find the simplest solution -- talking with the person directly to handle the problem.

How do you know when you're not using the simplest solution? When you find yourself saying, "I can't", as in "I can't find a new job at my age because I'd have to go back to school, and pass that exam, get certified, and probably move to some new city, which would be really hard on John and the kids." Rather complicated scenario, huh? It's a solution which -- surprise, surprise -- successfully keeps you from doing anything at all. Can we discover the simplest solution? Could it be to find a great job that provides training right in your own home town?

Sometimes it seems we love having the problem so very much that we envision only completely unworkable, complicated solutions -- just so we can hang on to the problem we say we hate (but actually love). It's like: "I need a job but don't want a job but want to revel in what a screw-up I am 'cuz I'm not getting a job." How can we love and hate a problem at the same time? It's called story fondling, and it reinforces negative stuff and keeps us totally and completely stuck in the past.

Identifying the simplest solution is a way to cut through all the debris in your life and find a really good, clean place to be. The simplest solution is always authentic. The simplest solution is easy. The simplest solution is the way to go.

So, when you find yourself tied up in knots trying to find a complicated solution to whatever you face, think of good old William of Ockham and ask yourself: "All other things being equal, what's the simplest solution?"

Random Thoughts

Just some random musings on a summer afternoon:

The waiting may be the hardest part, but sometimes it's the best part.

Want to be happy? Say yes more than you say no, and mean it.

It is unfair that some people are allergic to watermelon.

The best job for you? The one that doesn't feel like work.

Different is not wrong.

When you're giving more love than you're taking out, and it feels effortless and inspiring -- you've found your life's purpose.

Ice cream sandwiches may just be the perfect thing to eat at 3pm on a July afternoon.

How to make a million bucks? Reading glasses that work in the shower.

If you need to talk with your teenager, take a long road trip with him or her. Let 'em drive. That way, they can't wear their IPod.

The majority of people in the world have no access to air conditioning.

The most electable candidate for vice president -- for either party -- is General Colin Powell. Second best choice for McCain? Condoleezza Rice. Wouldn't Dr. King be amazed?

Want to have more love in your life? Be the person you'd fall in love with.

Bring an open mind and open hands to all that you do.

If you don't know, ask. If you do know, let someone ask before you say anything. Which is a darned good cue for me to wrap it up.

Happy summer.

The Songs of Summer

There's something about a song that becomes a hit in summer. Hear it again on the coldest day in January and you are immediately transported back to the top-down, sunglasses on, sun on your skin, scent of Coppertone kind of summer living. Ahhhh.

You know the drill. Summertime, and the living's easy. Yes, In The Summertime (when the weather is high), you might be Sittin' On The Dock Of the Bay, you Girl Watcher, you, hoping to just Drift Away. You've got Good, Good, Good, Good Vibrations because you've just seen the cutest Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini! Hey, that means V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N, in the summertime!

School's Out for summer. Kids say, "See You In September!" (or will I lose you to a summer love?). Hang On, Sloopy. I'm going to Build You Up, Buttercup. My Hips Don't Lie -- I promise it'll be a great summer. You'll be Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon. Or Cruisin' -- remember: if you want it, you got it, forever.

Yeah, we'll go cruising. Just Me And You And A Dog Named Boo, in your Little Deuce Coupe. I'm thinking Myrtle Beach Days, having fun in the waves. Hey, Hey, Baby, you'll be wearing your Swingin' Medallions, on the cutting edge of fashion like always.

Just a tick, I've got an idea. Let's go surfing now, everybody's learning how -- we'll be Surfin' USA. Oh, no! The Tide Is High! Help Me Rhonda -- it's a Wipeout! Hey Ya, let's try something else fun -- all the Summer Girls go to Kokomo to learn the Macarena. Want to join me?

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah, there's going to be a Stoned Soul Picnic this summer. Uncle George will be Grazin' In The Grass, you'll be Drinking Wine, Spo-Dee-Oh-Dee, Aunt June will be Walkin' On Sunshine. What a Sweet Escape.

Can't get away? And it's Summer In the City, back of your neck feeling dirty and gritty. It's like a Heat Wave, burning in your heart. "My," you say to yourself, "It's Hot In Here. I best be Gettin' Jiggy Wit It." So get yourself Up On The Roof. From high above the city, you can see it's really a Funkytown. And, oh, ho, ho, ho those Summer Nights!

You, in your plain white tee, see a friend and shout "Hey There, Delilah!" -- but she's no Hollaback Girl. She's feeling the Summer Breeze as she says, "I Don't Want No Scrubs! What you trying to do -- Steal My Sunshine?" No, our Delilah's Dancing in the Street. The way she dances Mambo No. 5, she might as well be Walking On The Sun.

So, girl, Put Your Records On, play me your favorite song. Go ahead. Let your hair down. It's time for some Hot Fun In The Summertime.

And next January, you'll hear one of these songs -- and it'll be just like having a Pocketful Of Sunshine.

Easy Sledding

Imagine your brain as if it's a sledding hill. When you arrive, it's a pristine, untouched landscape of clean, white snow. Take your first trip down the hill and you leave an imprint of the path your sled has traveled. As the day progresses you see multiple tracks in the snow -- but one or two seem to be more frequently used than others.

This is exactly how you learn. This is how habits -- good and bad -- are formed. This is how thoughts and ideas are entrenched in your mind. Paths are formed in your brain -- use that path over and over and you reinforce behaviors, habits and thoughts.

The snowy hill metaphor comes from Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, associate professor in neurology at Harvard Medical School. Pascual-Leone's ground-breaking work is profiled in The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. And, Doidge shows, the cool thing about your brain is that when a path is blocked in some way -- by injury or illness -- the brain can re-wire itself to take an adjacent path to get where it needs to go.

Experiments have shown just how amazing and malleable our brains are. Consider the puzzle of "phantom limbs" -- extremities amputated but still registering as "present" in the brain. It's as if the communication between the limb and the brain still exists. Why? Because the neural pathways continue to exist! Doidge details an experiment using a mirror box that fools the brain into "seeing" a whole limb in the place of a missing limb. Once the brain registers "oh, there's that hand!", the phantom limb -- with its phantom pain, itch, gestures -- disappears. The brain has taken another path.

Using this new understanding, cutting-edge methods have been developed to help stroke victims learn to re-wire their brain by forging new neural pathways, bypassing damaged areas to regain movement and use of affected parts of their bodies.

Children with attention deficit disorders or learning disabilities are forging new ways of using their brains to overcome their hurdles. Using specific drills and techniques, attention improves and learning increases. Even with autistic children.

All this research confirms what so many of us have been talking about -- that you can change your thoughts and change your life.

Take a look at your most hard-wired thoughts. A person who defaults to telling "un-truths" might be operating with an operating thought like: "She'll get mad when I tell her the truth". Chronic lying reinforces a certain neural pathway -- a pretty stressful one, to boot. What if the lie is found out? If the underlying thought changes to: "She may get mad when I tell the truth, but I can deal with mad", the established pathway is bypassed in favor of a new one -- one that is more positive and less stressful.

If your underlying thought is: "I'm not good enough", you might find yourself depressed, hesitant, lonely, unfulfilled and sad. Changing your thought to "I'm good enough", by examining the roots of the negative thought creates a new neural pathway, and a happier life.

Now, perhaps this sounds too much like Stuart Smalley and his twee affirmations: "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" OK. Got it. But research has shown that creating new thoughts around what you'd like to be or visualizations around how you'd like to act create new ways for the brain to function. So, there's something there we need to take seriously.

And it's this: you are not your thoughts. If your thoughts are not working for you -- creating a positive, abundant attitude -- you can change them. You can overcome your self-imposed limits by working on shifting that which you think you know about yourself and the world. You can re-wire your brain.

All you have to do is point your sled toward another path. And enjoy the ride, baby.

Caps & Gowns

It's the time of year. Caps and gowns on parade. Young men and women on the threshold of the rest of their lives. Awesome. Inspiring. Scary as hell.

I was recently asked to contribute to an article called something like, "Best Advice for Graduates That You Never Received." Started me thinking. And since I am now writing an advice column, I'm all smug about my advice-giving abilities.

So here's my six best pieces of advice to graduates:

1. Have integrity in all that you do. Integrity means that you operate from a place of honor. You say what you mean, and mean what you say. You're reliable. You're consistent. You can be counted on. Coming from a place of integrity creates a sterling reputation. And a sterling reputation delivers a sterling career, and a happy life.

2. Take the time to connect with others. Get to know the people you work with, the people who live next door, the people at the local homeless shelter. Because by connecting with others, you'll deepen your connection with yourself. You'll know yourself more intimately, and allow others to know you fully, too. And you'll be richer for the experience.

3. Live a life full of risks. Maybe that means something as big as BASE jumping to you (please wear a helmet and pay your insurance premiums, dear) but small risks -- like speaking up, or saying no -- can be even more powerful (and don't usually require helmets). Do something that feels like a risk to you every single day, and you will never feel stuck in a too small life.

4. Have passion -- for your work, for your loves, for your life. When there's at least one thing you are absolutely on fire about, the focused joy that results will draw fabulous people and experiences to you. Just a word of caution: don't confuse passion with drama. If it feels even slightly icky or squidgy, it's probably drama. Passion always brings something positive to the world, while drama generally dwells in the negative. Live with passion and you live in a positive place.

5. Define your own idea of success. I have known people who have gone to all the right schools and got the right jobs... and are miserable. Why? Because they were marching to the beat of somebody else's drummer. Money is just a tool that allows you to do what you want to do. Status is a function of ego and ultimately means nothing. [See Integrity above] What means something is who you are and what you bring. Decide on that, and do it. Tap out your own beat.

6. Get out of your own way. Allow great things to happen for you. Because when you're living with integrity, passion, connection and risks, you have created an environment where your best self can come out to play. When that happens, your life will unfold in amazing and inspiring ways. Let it. Be open and accepting and aware of the great stuff -- and more will pour into your life.

Someone said to me this week, "Your twenties are all about figuring stuff out." To which I said, "Honey, LIFE is about figuring stuff out." Life's not like a research project where you line up all your sources, exhaust all lines of inquiry and write up a whopping conclusion where everything is laid out all reasoned and deduced. No, in my experience, it's precisely those times when you think you have it all figured out that -- wham! -- everything changes.

So my final piece of advice is this: be constantly curious, and continue to find and shape who you are and what you stand for. Take it all in, and savor it. Continue to grow. Live a full and dynamic, changing life.

Why? Because it's a really, really fabulous way to live. That's why.

People of the Book

Looking for some magical summer reading? Let me recommend a book I've just finished: People of the Book by Pulitzer Prize winning author Geraldine Brooks.

People of the Book is the wonderfully told tale of one small book, an illustrated Hebrew prayer book created in the fifteenth century, and all the men and women who lovingly owned or protected it for over five hundred years. Brooks cleverly tells the story in reverse chronological order -- starting in modern day with conservator Hannah Heath's efforts to stabilize the condition of the book, and moving backwards until the mystery of the book's creator finally unfolds.

Along the way, Hannah unearths curious clues and signs that give her deep insight into the history of the book. Through war and deprivation, through Inquisition and forced emigration -- the power and beauty of the book causes people to go to great lengths to preserve and protect it. Hannah comes to see that the book is so much more than just parchment, ink and gold leaf.

It's precisely this idea -- that each book tells not only its story but also the story of every hand that ever held it -- that appeals to me. It's the feeling I have when I hold something that once belonged to my great-grandmother. What did she think of as she held it? What was going on in her life at the time? Did she travel far with it? Did she enjoy it as much as I do?

It's the same feeling you can't help but get when you stand on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial and accept the profound realization, "I am standing just where Dr. King stood", or when you hike the Appalachian Trail and feel the spirit of those who've passed the same way before.

It's a walk back into time, into a deep connection with someone else's life.

And Brooks' book shows that we're all connected. Christian, Jew, Muslim -- all worked to save one little book. Soldier, spy, scientist -- each did his part, building on the work of others. Man and woman -- engaged in creation of something lasting and magnificent. Yes, we're truly the product of everyone who has come before us -- an amalgam of their decisions, their actions, their hopes and their loves.

Perhaps you'll pick up People of the Book. You'll read it, love it, and leave it. For someone else to read. And to love. Part of the great continuum.

W-O-R-K (A Four Letter Word)

Time for a gut check. Do you like what you do?

You get up each morning and get ready for your day -- what's that like? Are you eager? Procrastinating? Measured? Rushed? Let me ask you this: Are you happy at the prospect of going to work?

I imagine there's someone reading this right now who scoffs at the very idea. "Michele," this person wants to say, "work is work. You're not supposed to like it! Work's just something you do to pay the bills and get financial security so someday you can retire and do whatever you daggone well please."

Hmmn. So, let me get this straight. I am supposed to work for forty years at a job I detest just so I can retire and get the freedom I postponed? How in the world does this make sense?

But it's a widely held view. And it governs us in so many ways.

A friend lamented that her teenage son has no drive. No ambition. No idea of what he wants to do. He isn't interested in getting a summer job. My friend is contemplating grounding him unless he finds a job, any job. Doesn't matter what he does, just as long as he works.

"Why do you think he doesn't want to work?" she asked. Maybe it's because all he hears is his mom and his dad complaining about their own jobs. He looks at his father and sees a man who misses games, and assemblies, and sports banquets because of the demands of his job. Who's distracted and on his Blackberry when he is home. Maybe he sees a mom who's frazzled and frantically juggling all the family elements that make up the boy's entire universe -- school, home, sports, friends.

With this kind of role model around work, who would want to get a job?

The secret to being happy is this: do more of what you like and are good at, and do less of what you dislike -- even if you are good at it. I, for example, dislike spreadsheets. Especially spreadsheets regarding historical spending, actual spending and proposed spending. They give me a headache. However, despite the pounding in my head, I am good at deciphering those kinds of spreadsheets and can be an active participant in discussions about them.

However, if I had a job that was solely spreadsheets, I'd be a morose blob of bleah.

I know a woman who is an accountant and has been at the same job for fifteen years. She goes in each day, does her work, goes home. It's a blob of bleah. She knows she's not really happy, but she's competent and that's all work is about, right? When you probe, you find out that what she'd really like to do is teach. The idea of teaching math to kids makes her whole face light up. But, she'll tell you, how could she possibly take the pay cut?

And, I ask: What's the price of being happier?

Maybe not as much as you think. It's a funny thing. When you start to do more of what you love, so much shifts. Time and time again, I have seen people take a "pay cut" and live richer lives. Either they find they need less than they thought, or they find that their priorities shift and needing that expensive suit, that keeping-up-with-the-Joneses vacation, that nifty sports car -- just not important. Those "things" were only used to fill the gap that happiness now fills.

Or they find that they get paid more than they ever expected. They get salary increases, and bonuses. If they own their own business, clients flood in. Why? Because they are on fire about doing what they love. People who are passionate about what they do attract business and opportunities.

Wouldn't you recruit a teacher that all the students, parents and faculty adored? Wouldn't you want an accountant who found beauty and joy in numbers? Wouldn't you hire a coach who loves what she does?

Work doesn't have to be a four letter word. When you live a life of your own design -- doing what you love and are good at -- you'll find that even work feels like fun. And each day is a joy. And your kids can't wait to get a summer job.

Story Fondling

Some time ago I wrote an essay on forgiveness where I suggested that "Forgiveness is when the hurt you’ve suffered no longer drives your decision-making, nor defines who you are."

Believe me, I've returned to those words time and again. And recently I came to see that people who are stuck are often unwilling or unable to let go of the hurt they've suffered. They are stuck in the hurt because somehow it defines them in a way that feels, oddly enough, comfortable.

It's the woman who will tell you, with great bitterness, how unfairly her ex-husband treated her. How he screwed her out of money. How he turned the children against her. How he cheated on her and walked away scot free. The jerk. When did this happen? you might ask, and be shocked to find out -- it was 30 years ago.

It's when your friend starts to complain once again about how intolerable her workplace is. What a psycho her boss is. How brown-nosing her office mates are. How favorites get recognized but hard work is never rewarded. How she has no energy and barely drags herself into work every day. And you've heard the same complaints over and over without cease for the past five years.

Being stuck -- feeling powerless to change, not knowing what to do, fuzzy thinking -- happens to all of us at some time or other. We have a problem and can't seem to find a way out.

Why is that?

It's as if staying fully engaged with the problem prevents people from having to come up with a solution. There's a issue, poppets, when we love the story of our problem so much that we can't bear to let it go. We're "story fondling", as my friend Martha Beck calls it. We love our story. We absolutely adore it. We hold it close, as if it were a tiny baby needing our tender, loving care.

But when we story fondle, we allow our problem to define us and shape our decision-making.

Which is the opposite of forgiveness.

And only prolongs the pain.

The only way forward, as you may have heard, is through. To get unstuck, once and for all, you have to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution.

You have to break up with the problem and start dating a solution. Or play the field if you want and try several solutions.

Sure, sometimes we fondle our problem in an attempt to understand it. And that's important -- understanding the pain can help us craft a solution that works. But 30 years of fondling? Excessive. That's 30 years of living life in pain, and on hold. Which might feel safe, but is ultimately a waste.

What you've got, for sure, is today. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow is not promised. Laying the problem aside and living right here, right now, focused on solutions -- that's the key to arriving at the most powerful point of forgiveness -- self-forgiveness. Which is the path toward a vibrant life, worth living.

Repeal HAFTA!

It's a political year, friends. So give me a minute to scramble up on my soapbox while I enter the fray.

Ahem.

There's a lot of talk about change these days. Change with a purpose is a good thing. It's time for big change, ladies and gentlemen. And I am going to propose a sweeping change for the American people -- no, a sweeping change for the people of the world.

I'm not talking about ending taxes, or cutting social programs, or combating global climate change. I'm not talking about reform of labor laws, or a change to the legislative process. I'm not advocating a repeal of the Part 33 Rewrite of the Telecommunications Act. I'm not going to open that can of worms. Nor am I going to discuss NAFTA.

No, it's not NAFTA I'm after. It's "hafta".

Friends, it's time we stop allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed and stressed by all the things we hafta do. It's time to stand strong and declare that hafta is done, finished and over. There are no more things we hafta do. There are only things we choose to do.

The other morning, a beautiful, blue spring morning, I was driving along enjoying the blooming dogwoods, the eye-popping redbuds and the luminous rhododendrons along my route. At a stoplight, I spied a fit, spandex-clad woman pushing a jogging stroller. Her face was drawn up in a scowl, her body was tight, and she was pushing that stroller like Sisyphus with his rock. Only she was running downhill.

"Where's the joy?" was my first thought. There she was, on a staggeringly beautiful morning, out with her baby in the sunshine! What's not to like? But it was as if she was doing penance, or submitting to a purgative. Her body language transmitted, "I am doing this only because I have to. Everyone knows a baby has to be out in the fresh air at least twice a day. I can't wait until this is over."

Poor child.

How different if that woman were to turn her point-of-view around and say, "I am the luckiest woman on the face of the planet to have the opportunity to be out with my darling child on such a gorgeous morning." Imagine her body language under those circumstances.

Imagine your own.

What if your to-do list was blank, and the only things you had to do were things you are happy to do? That you choose to do? That give you energy and buoy your mood? Or, to use an idea of my friend and fellow coach Sharon Pfleiger, what if you could spend your time solely on the things on your "Get-To List"? As in "I get to plant my garden" or "I get to spend time with my best friend", or, my favorite, "I get to say what I feel."

Sure, there are things we don't like to do. Personally, I'm not too fond of trash duty. However, it must be done. I try to do this chore quickly and efficiently so I don't spend a ton of time on it. The recycling is sorted during the week, the bins are taken to the curb every Tuesday, and the compost pile gets a donation nearly daily. Could be yucky stuff. By not putting it off, or extending the amount of time it takes to finish the task, I make it easy -- which frees up time for me to do something I really like. Something from my get-to list.

Like take a walk with my kid.

When you find yourself so governed by have-tos that you have no time for get-tos, then it's time for change. It's time for hope. It's time, ladies and gentlemen, to repeal HAFTA.

The Expectations Of Others

Shannon does a great job at work. Everybody says so. Her performance reviews are always "Exceeds Expectations" and she's been steadily promoted to a position of major responsibility.

So, why isn't she happy? She'll tell you she's burned out. She has no personal life. She has no time. She can't think. She forgets the birthdays of friends. She's productive at work, but still very, very stuck in a life that doesn't fit quite right.

What would she like? "I guess I would say, 'Peace' -- time to hang with my friends. Time to maybe even have a boyfriend. Time to do quilting (which I love). Time to play with my nieces and nephews. Time to work out and get healthier. Time to do a really good job, too."

What's keeping her from that vision of a life? I ask her about her job and her eyes get glassy. "I work 10-12 hour days, probably six days a week," she says. "But there's always so much to do."

Any way she could delegate, or get more staff to help?

She pauses. "Well, I could try that, but I'm afraid I won't find anyone as committed as I am," she says. "I have pretty high expectations for others."

Hmmmn. I sense an avenue for exploration. I ask, "Shannon, what's 'success' mean to you?"

After a bit of hemming, hawing, inner cheek chewing and stolen glances toward the ceiling, Shannon says, "Success is not disappointing others, I guess. When I'm successful, I'm meeting the expectations of others."

"So," I start. "Other people get to decide how successful Shannon will be, and you have do what they say? You have no role in that? Because that's kinda what I hear you saying."

Tears well in Shannon's eyes. "I never thought about it that way," she says quietly.

"You can have a life of your own design, Shannon. It is possible. But you have to figure out what's most important to you and live by that, rather than accepting that assignment from others."

We take a look at Shannon's underlying fears and beliefs and began the process of eliminating and revising those that don't fit with the life Shannon would like to live.

It comes down to that idea Shannon has -- that success means meeting the expectations of others. Is there another way to cast that sentence in a way that allows Shannon to get the life she wants to live? After some poking and prodding, we come up with:

"I am successful when I meet my own expectations."

Which is true. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from (shout out here) my friend Grey Terry. In a very difficult period of my life, Grey looked me in my perpetually red-rimmed eyes and said, "Michele, just do things today you can be proud of a year from now."

It was in my power, then, to have the expectation that I would face a great challenge as a person of integrity, responsible and respectable, a person of honor. And have my actions flow from these values. As a result, there's very little I regret having done from that time of my life. Which is quite nice.

Shannon came to see that she, too, has the power to make and set her own expectations for how she will be in the world -- that she will make time for the things that nourish her whole life, such as relationships, interests, exercise and a healthy diet.

Attempting to live by the expectations of others merely held her back. Now, she feels free.

And you? How do you feel?

$4 Gas

Almost eighty years ago, Americans saw a dramatic drop in their financial well-being. That October day, as Wall Streeters jumped from windows and banks closed their doors, the United States went from the buoyant ebulliency of the Roaring Twenties to the dire straits of the Depression.

People lost their homes to foreclosure, and their jobs to industry destabilization. There wasn't enough food, even at the soup kitchens. Farms dried up and blew away.

Those were hard times.

And today, we have gas prices pushing nearly four dollars a gallon where I live. For regular. Food costs are up 35% since the first of the year. Foreclosures are up 650% in a neighboring county. A friend got a new job -- working to ease the "out-placement" of over 3,000 white collar workers at a multi-national financial services firm once known as a "safe" place to work.

Airline travel, I'm told, will be more expensive this summer and schedules will be compromised as more and more airlines face financial difficulties. At the same time, AAA suggests we drop the idea of long car trips due to the rising price of fuel. So where are you going for vacation this summer? Your basement bunker, perhaps?

The media bleats and blurts: "Doom!", "Gloom!", "More at 6!"

I don't know how you're doing, but, frankly, I don't want any more at 6pm. Focusing on the awful can prevent me from seeing the real -- and the wonderful.

So let me suggest a Personal Finance Reality Check. Do these three things, and see if your mood shifts from doom and gloom to something else.

First, sit down with at least the last three statements from your checking account. If, like me, you do online banking and use a software program like Quicken, this work will be a cinch. Look at your grocery spending -- has it changed? By how much? Your gasoline expenses? Credit card purchases? Other expenses? Get a handle on how much these have gone up, and keep that percentage in mind when you do the second step.

Second, project your expenses for May. Plug in numbers for gas, groceries and other expenses that reflect the rate of increase you've seen in the last three months. So, if you had been spending $200/mo. on gasoline, and you have seen a 35% increase, project a gas expense of $270 for May. Make your expense projection mirror the types of expenses you've had for the last three months -- dining out, travel, clothing, whatever. Be consistent.

Third, total up your projected May expenses. How's that number look against your projected income for the month? Running a deficit? Rather than turning to your credit cards for quick relief, go back to your projected expenses list and see where you can make gentle cuts which result in significant savings. For instance, eating out twice a week, rather than four times a week, will save you plenty. Limiting discretionary driving will use less gasoline. Less gas = less cost. If you, like me, often meet with clients in person, perhaps you could shift to more conference call meetings for the time being.

None of these suggestions are exactly brain science. You've heard them plenty of times from plenty of people far more famous and wealthy than lil' old me.

But, here's the difference. Make these changes in your life not as a punishment, and not from a place of worry or lack -- make these changes because you can, and because they are healthy. Embrace the changes. Be joyful about them. Love that you have the innovative thinking and personal power to take this weird economy and use it for your benefit.

You are not powerless to a jittery economy. No, my friends, you can take this time of uncertainty and shift it from the constant water torture of fear of lack that can be paralyzing, into a great awareness and gratitude for what you do have.

Because what you have is the ability to take care of yourself. Don't let the doom-and-gloomers promising more at six make you forget that.

Investing In Friendships

We're all so busy, aren't we? Seems we're constantly rushing from here to there -- gotta get home, to the office, to the kids' soccer game, gotta take the elderly parents to all their appointments. The dog needs to go to the vet, then there are groceries, laundry, doctors, commitments, obligations, this, that, the other zillion things -- and a ton of stress.

Some people tell me that they're so busy doing all this stuff that they can't make time for their friends. And making new friends? Forget about it. "No one makes new friends after 40" said one woman.

Yet, who's happiest? Research has shown that it's people with the largest social networks. How's your friend factor? Have all you need? All you want? Are you making time to invest in your friendships, and insure your own happiness?

If not, don't worry. There are four things you can do right now to grow your social network.

Make contact: Email is a great tool for nurturing friendships. Though your great-grandmother might be appalled that you're not penning brilliant little missives on tasteful monogrammed stationery using a fountain pen with blue-black ink... contact is contact. Let your friends know what you're up to with a quick email. Or, a simple "I'm thinking of you" can brighten a day. And, if you receive a message from a friend, take the time to respond, even it's just a few lines. Of course, a phone call is swell and a "date" is even better. Read on.

Make time: Regardless of where you work -- The White House or your house -- schedule something with at least one friend at least once a week. Coffee, lunch, cocktails, cow-tipping, or whatever you enjoy doing together. I sense quite a few spit-takes at that suggestion. Wipe off your computer monitor and keep reading. Sure you're busy. Are you so busy, then, that you have no time to be happy? When you make time for a friend, you grow and nurture that relationship. Ignore the care and feeding of friendships until you need them -- and they may not be there.

Be yourself: The best friends are those who accept and enjoy you despite your flaws and shortcomings. Postponing friendships until you lose weight, or have a partner, or that nasty rash clears up -- is just fear talking. Real friends will love having you around, regardless. And if you have to pretend to be someone you're not around a person or group of people? They ain't your friends.

Remember: Memorizing birthdays and astrological signs is not required. However, please try to remember the names of your friend's spouse, and their children. Building a friendship means you need to know your friend's preferences -- when you continually suggest meeting for a nice juicy steak to your vegan friend... you are actually telling them that they aren't quite important enough for you to remember who they are.

And, want to know the single best thing you can do to bring some new people into your life? Volunteer for something. Yep, volunteering -- whether at your job or in your community -- creates bonds with others based on shared experiences and interests. The sense of pride and accomplishment plus the satisfaction of giving back are all great side benefits.

Friendships bring joy, comfort and zest to life. Relationships are a fundamental building block of happiness. Staying too busy to have friends and human connection is simply a way of denying yourself the happiness that's your birthright.

And where's the joy in that?

Get Yourself Organized

Just can't seem to get organized? Feeling a bit out of control? A little swamped?

Join the club.

And, it's a mighty big club.

Organization may the single most problematic task for most of us, according to my completely unscientific poll of clients, friends and family. Oh, and the mailman. So, how about some tips on how to get organized?

Let me be frank here: if other people think you are disorganized but you are fine with how you live, then it's not a problem. For you. Of course, if you have 25 years of old newspapers stacked ceiling high, 85 cats and 43 cases of yams stacked in untidy pyramids throughout your house, you might want to consider that there's a problem... But it's up to you.

If your disorganization makes you late -- paying bills, keeping appointments, forgetting to take medication -- or prevents you from being truly happy, then you need to make some changes. Here's how:

Identify the problem. Take a notebook and walk around your home, or your office, and make a list of the areas that need attention. Be specific. "Hall closet" or "supply closet", rather than "whole house" or "everything". "Calendar" or "paying bills", rather than "time" or "money". Got it? Once you can identify the problem areas, you can make a plan to begin to attend to them. Cherry-pick the easiest task first, and if none of them seem easy, then pick the area where getting organized is going to have the biggest impact.

Break each problem area down into teeny-tiny little steps. For instance, take "paying bills". What's the optimal bill-paying process? Let's write it down. OK. The mail comes. What do you have to do? Get the mail out of the box. Next? Sort the mail. Pull out the bills. Then what? Put them in a file folder? Pay them on the spot? What feels best for you? No, not throwing them into the trash, as much as you're tempted. (Hey, I know your type.) Remember, what you resist persists, so if you hate paying bills and put it off, and off, and off, the problem will only get worse. So, make it as easy and painless as possible. And if you really, really can't get the task done, outsource it -- to your spouse, your eldest child, or hire a part-time personal assistant.

Tackle one problem at a time. We get overwhelmed when we try to pay the bills, organize the files, recast the calendar and write a strategic plan -- all within the same 20 minute time period. Setting yourself up for failure, that is. Take one project at a time (that pesky "Hall closet") and give yourself a realistic time frame for finishing it -- even if that realistic time frame is three weeks. Remember, if you hit the wall on your project, that's OK. Just keep on making teeny-tiny steps toward progress every day and soon enough the daggone closet will be tidy. That's when you get to execute the very best tip:

Give yourself a reward. Honest. Give yourself something nice for having to do such a boring/nasty/unpleasant task. Make it something you look forward to -- a solid hour of Guitar Hero, for instance; or, a long chat with your best friend. Link the reward with the action, Pavlov-style, and you will begin to look forward to knocking other tasks off your list.

The reward I love is free time. I figure that if I knock a project off thoroughly and don't have to come back to it, I can then loaf absolutely guilt-free. Honey, talk about an incentive! Find the reward that means as much to you and you'll find tackling overwhelming organizational tasks a snap.

Birthing a Book

Ladies and gentlemen -- drumroll, please -- I am happy to announce that my book has been published. Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living became available just this week, and I am tickled pink.

More than just being pleased, I have to say that I am somewhat overwhelmed.

When I was 9 years old, I wanted to write a book. I experimented using a marbled composition book with impossibly fat lines, writing a knock-off of The Secret of the Old Clock (Nancy Drew, naturally), throwing in a little bit of Harriet the Spy. I assembled sheets of paper in pocket folders, and made elaborate title pages. I illustrated. One of my early works involved a doughnut with hay fever. (Don't ask.) I went through a somewhat odd haiku-on-onion-skin-paper phase. Oh, I tried many ways to pull a book together.

But experimentation was all it was.

I have been a lifelong reader. Can't remember learning to read, as a matter of fact. Always remember just knowing how to read. Even today, I read a couple of books a week. Love reading. Love learning. Love books.

Now, I hold a real, live book in my hand... and my name is on it.

How's it feel? As writer Diana Gabaldon said of her first book, "It's like giving birth, without the stitches."

Miraculous.

How did I do it? My book is a collection of essays that have appeared in this blog and the newsletter over the past several years. The idea of "writing a book" seemed daunting -- but the idea of writing a weekly essay? Much easier. And at some point, I realized I had the makings of a nice book. Had I not had the deadline of writing here, weekly, perhaps my dream of writing a book would have remained exactly that.

Good lesson, huh?

So, if you'd like to visit Amazon.com and purchase a copy (or two, or three, or four), you can click here: Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living.

And, before I go, let me thank you readers, for giving me an audience to read what it is I write. Many, many thanks to each of you.

How It's Going To Be

There's a fine line between being a dreamer and being a dictator.

Because when you are attached to a specific outcome, your single-minded drive toward your goal may make you blind to the feelings and needs of others.

Let's say you are in a new relationship. You have peeked ahead, and see what you don't currently have: children, a happy home and no financial worries, with that darling white picket fence. And you are deeply in love with the happy vision you've concocted. It's nice that a man came along to be inserted into the picture!

When (not if) something comes up which precludes you getting what you want-- it's going to take time and energy to finalize his divorce from his wife -- you become a petulant Veruca Salt, stamping her foot and saying, "Divorce her NOW!" Because you need what you want. You've assigned so much meaning to what you "need" that you're blinded you to the reality of who your boyfriend is and any feelings he might have around the end of his marriage. From your perspective, his divorce is just something standing in the way of your dreams.

Wait a sec. If every good marriage is based on a deep caring and friendship with the other person, does pressing your dream outcome allow you to be the kind of friend and partner your boyfriend needs? Could you be destroying the very opportunity you desire by being so doggedly determined to get what you want?

Let's say you want to change your life by starting your own business. You do the research, create a sound business plan, find a good opportunity, hire a lawyer and accountant, and draw up the legal papers. All good. You go so far as to envision what your first steps will be, how the place will feel, what each day will be like. OK, you're fine. Visualization is an excellent tool to direct you toward a positive outcome. But if you're so in love with the idea of you as the owner of a particular business in a particular location that you can't see the shortcomings, pitfalls and weaknesses of your plan, you may end up overruling your advisers and taking a deal that's not really in your best interest. Because you made up your mind about how it's going to be, and that's what it's going to be.

Let's say you're running for President of the United States and you are so focused on winning that you can't see that you're behind in delegates, behind in the popular vote, behind in fundraising and have rising negative opinion polls. By golly, you've made up your mind that you are going to be President and that blind ambition propels you toward an outcome that's growing more and more elusive. You stop listening to naysayers, surround yourself with "yes" people, and irreparably damage your public image with your frantic pursuit of your goal.

Honey, to reduce your stress and anxiety you've got to hold on loosely to your intended outcome. Loose enough to be able to grab on to an unexpected outcome that's even better than what you had in mind. You can do this when you form your intention, visualize your dream and then say:

"This or something better."

"This or something better" vs. "This is how it's going to be" is being fluid vs. being rigid. It's being present right here, right now, aware of the truth in this moment vs. being somewhere else, focused on what's not yet happened -- may not happen -- and totally unaware of the truth.

It's having arms wide open to serendipity vs. arms crossed against the chest with much foot stamping frustration.

Imagine lovingly whittling a hunk of wood into two parts -- a square peg and a round hole. You can spend your lifetime attempting to insert the square peg you've created into the round hole you love, but how to get it to fit?

You really only have two options: reduce the size of the square until it fits into the hole, or craft a new, larger square hole.

When you detach from your outcome, it's as if you've suddenly found a million unexpected holes in which the peg easily fits. When you have a good plan, and execute it to the best of your ability, and are then open to whatever happens, you will be amazed by the beautiful, happy, unexpected opportunities that present themselves.

Broken For You

Sometimes you read a book at precisely the right time for precisely the right reason, and take away precisely the right message. So it was for me and the book Broken For You by Stephanie Kallos.

It's the story of people who attempt to hide their brokenness by changing their names, taking on fruitless quests, hiding in lonely isolation or liberally using Guarnier Nutrisse Conditioning Color Masque Number 68.

Wanda Schultz has too many cracks to count. The product of a broken home, she begins fixing things at age six in a canny effort to fit in at her adoptive aunt and uncle's home. As an adult, she chooses a "fixing" career, too, becoming a professional stage manager, fixing productions, actors, props and sets. The more she tries to ignore her brokenness the more cracks and fissures grow until, literally, her body is shattered and she must come to terms with her authentic self.

Margaret Hughes lives alone in a mansion, among the ghosts of people and things that once held so much meaning but also so much guilt. When Margaret opens her house to boarders -- Wanda is the first -- she finds the glue to mend her fractured life and let go of her paralyzing guilt and shame.

How many of us spend an inordinate amount of energy hiding our broken places? Pretending they don't exist? We seek out the healing adhesive we think can be found in that one person, that one experience, that one surgical procedure, that one elusive Holy Grail of Something that will make us perfect, and make our troublesome pasts disappear. Yet, it's only in accepting our broken places and applying a little grout and glue, that we are able to accept the authentic, happy mosaic of our lives.

From the book: "Look then at the faces and bodies of people you love. The explicit beauty that comes not from smoothness of skin or neutrality of expression, but from the web of experience that has left its mark. Each face, each body is its own living fossilized record. A record of cats, combatants, difficult births; of accidents, cruelties, blessings. Reminders of folly, greed, indiscretion, impatience. A moment of time, of memory, preserved, internalized and enshrined within and upon the body. You need not be told that these records are what render your beloved beautiful. If God exists, He is there, in the small cast-off pieces, rough and random and no two alike."

Beauty, then, has nothing to do with age, or position, or value, or perfection. Beauty lies in the ability to look fearlessly at your own broken spots, mend them and make a new creation. Beauty comes when you allow others to know you for exactly who you are -- chipped, cracked, fractured -- and whole despite your broken places.

Gratitudinous

I am grateful for:

Teenagers who aren't too cool to giggle with their mom.

Friends who throw parties. And let me tour their upstairs.

Crocuses.

The promise inspired by synthetic Easter basket grass.

Smart people who become business partners.

Resiliency.

England Dan and John Ford Coley. And ITunes.

Shoes that fit and look cute.

Love.

Great salads.

The ability to take chances.

Writers of books that make me think.

Friends who move to Costa Rica to start a new life.

Email.

Being able to express myself.

Kissing a baby's feet.

Creating.

The feet in sand, fingers in seawater kind of vacation.

Which I will be doing this week. So, enjoy yourselves in my absence. And remember: it's hard to be stressed when you're grateful. List the things you're grateful for... and it will be just like you're on vacation, too.

The Flaw Of Attraction

The Law of Attraction gets a ton of buzz these days. The publishing/DVD juggernaut, The Secret has sold millions of copies, promising people that if they just ask for something, and really believe they'll get it -- why, they'll most certainly get exactly what they want.

It's so simple! So easy! And so flawed.

Indulge me a minute. I am going to ask for something that supports a passion I have nurtured for years -- football. What I'd really like is to be a defensive lineman for the Washington Redskins.

Yup, me. A nearly 48 year old woman. A defensive lineman. Now, how plausible is it to think I can "manifest" getting that assignment?

You could argue that given the past couple of seasons the Redskins have had, perhaps a 48 year old woman could do a better job than what they've got...

But, honey, the truth is that big, muscley 48 year old dudes don't play the line. They are too old. As to me, I would take the first hit and crumble into a pile of fractured bones and dislocated everything else. I'd boo-hoo like a little girl. If I lived.

So the Law of Attraction, applied to me getting a line position in the NFL, ain't gonna happen,no matter how much I want it or how positive I am.

However, I can attract opportunities to support my passion for football. I can fully, shamelessly own that I am a football-loving woman. I could even create opportunities to attend more games. I'll bet you I can even get invited to a box! Those are all plausible ways I can attract good things around my passion.

Which is what the Law of Attraction is all about. You can attract things into your life when you are consciously allowing what you want, rather than unconsciously rejecting them.

A few months ago I decided that I would hold the thought in my mind, "There will always be a parking place for me." And, guess what? Now there is always a parking place for me, right in front of wherever I go. It's weird. And fun.

There's an old story that says the natives couldn't see Columbus' ship as it neared their island because they had no word for it in their vocabulary. For the natives, the ship simply did not exist.

I wonder if the Law of Attraction is like that. We create thoughts to support our goals, giving those thoughts names, and then we are able to see them. Maybe parking spots have always been available in front, but my thought was "There's not going to be anyplace to park", so I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes.

A friend who says she wants a partner more than anything, and follows that thought with "but I'm 50 now and am reconciled to the idea that it's probably not going to happen for me" is creating a situation where she can't see the great men who are already there in her life. If she could shift her consciousness to "There is someone who will be a great partner to me, and I may already know him or will meet him soon", my guess is that she'd find a great partner pretty quick.

I believe the Law of Attraction is about getting myself into alignment (clear about who I am and what I want, positive, open to new ideas and people, and honoring the authentic "me") and then simply allowing what I need to flow to me.

I know this works. Because it's the way I live. And some wonderful things flow into my life. People, opportunities, money, love and happiness. When organizing your life around attracting that which you need, every day is like unwrapping a lovely gift.

The Flaw of Attraction is the idea that anyone can get anything by just asking and believing. But the real Law of Attraction requires the hard work of self-awareness, and a shift from only seeing limits to seeing possibilities. Only then can you allow all the good things already in place around you to flow.

Financial Consciousness

Plenty of people seek spiritual enlightenment and consciousness. They go to regular services, read religious books, attend retreats, meditate, and travel to holy places around the globe. Some enterprising seekers even eat, pray and love themselves smack into a lucrative book deal.

Consciousness is a good thing. You might even say it's the only thing. And guess what? Consciousness extends to how you handle your money.

Taking care of your financial health is as important to your personal growth as is taking care of your physical health. A chaotic financial life reflects a chaotic life, period.

As with any pursuit of consciousness, it's important to understand your values around money, set out your financial goals, allow your intentions to flow from your values and goals -- then act.

So, how do you start to grow your financial consciousness?

1. Know what you spend. OK, I am going to start by suggesting you buy something, which I know is wacky. But you can spend about $29 and get a good, basic computer program like Quicken or Microsoft Money that will help you track your expenses. Online banking is a terrific resource for this -- with a click of a button, you download your monthly statements into your program and then take just a few moments to decide which category your spending falls into - voila! - you have a clear picture of your financial health.

2. Analyze your data. Where are you spending your money, and why? Are you spending to support your values and goals, or are you spending because you're bored? Did you buy that coat because "everyone" is wearing it this year, or because you absolutely love it and have no other coat? Are you planning that vacation because it's a place you've always wanted to show your kids, or because it's the "hot" spot with the in-crowd? Once you understand all of that, ask yourself: where am I out of balance with my money? Create some financial goals in line with your values, like fully funding your retirement account, or paying off your credit cards, or saving for a vacation, or even having the money to take your mother to dinner once a week. Hey, they're your values, so support them. Make sure your financial actions support your values and goals, rather than anyone else's, and you'll see your financial health improve immediately.

3. Tell yourself (and others) the truth. I know women who hide their purchases from their husbands. I know men who hide their purchases from their wives. But if you take away the reckless thrill of keeping a secret, would you make the purchase in the first place? If you're motivated by the power and control inherent in keeping someone else in the dark, then, honey, why not do a little work on that? Expanding your consciousness to get a grip on your control issues could be the key to unlocking negative behaviors. Behaviors that don't help you, or help build a happy partnership.

Telling the truth to yourself and others about money is an integral part of growing your awareness. If you see that you're routinely $500 a month short and you tend to spend, oh, $495 a month at Target, then perhaps the truth is: We spend too much at Target. Not angry. Not judgmental. Not blaming. Just a fact-based observation. Then what do you do? Why, don't go to Target when you're bored, or feel lonely, or need a "little bump." It's just like you're in recovery, my friend, and need to stay away from the places that tempt you.

4. Make a plan. Once you get a clear idea about what you're spending and why, you can make a plan to spend appropriately. I'm not saying "cut back" because that raises all sorts of shortage and lack notions. Like a dog chasing its tail, living in a feeling of lack or shortage leads to overspending in an attempt to cure the lack. Then you have more lack which you have to spend your way out of. Who wants to go round and round like that? Nope, I'm saying you can develop a plan that allows you to be financially healthy and to spend where you need to, and save where you need to. Design a plan to honor your values and allow you to meet your needs. You may find that when you get in financial balance you "need" differently than you did when you were out of balance.

5. Keep in touch. Review your spending monthly, or quarterly. Notice where your spending is in alignment with your values, intentions and needs. Make adjustments where you need to. Pat yourself on the back when you've done well.

When you take care of yourself -- aligning your physical health, your emotional health, your spiritual health and your financial health with your values, goals and intentions -- you can't help but live a life full of meaning and joy. Which is what all seekers seek, is it not?