The MacGyver Approach

Know what? I really don't like stress. It makes me sick. Literally. So, I am doing my best to eliminate every ounce of stress from my life.

A great definition of stress is feeling like you lack the tools required to do that which is asked of you. Think about that. I lack the tool of time, so I'm stressed on the commute to work. I lack the tool of money, so I'm stressed about sending my kid to college. I lack the tool of expert knowledge on a specific subject, so I'm stressed about being seen as a dope.

So, if it's stressful for me to think that I lack the right tools, then the opposite, unstressful thought is: I have everything, or can get anything, I need to get this job done. I am always doing my best.

Yes, I am freakin' MacGyver.

MacGyver was the resourceful secret agent on the 80s TV show of the same name who could solve any problem with spit, a toilet paper roll, three paper clips and a shoelace. Great stuff. And he never lost his cool. Maybe he knew he could always pull out some kind of solution and foil the bad guys. Loved that.

Over time, I've realized that, like MacGyver, I always have some kind of tool I can use in some way in any given situation. Even if that tool is simply asking a question, like, "Can you help?" Yeah, I can do that.

After years of self-flagellation where I told myself how often I fell short, I've changed. Now I know that I am always doing my best with the tools I've got on hand, even if the outcome is less than, or different from, what I anticipated at the outset.

Mindbender, huh? Contrary to everything you've learned, right? How often have you heard (or said), "You could have done better." Just writing that sentence makes me feel like someone is staring at me, hard, over a pair of intimidating spectacles. "You could have done better." Sure reinforces the idea that I'm a loser.

Yet, I might have had zero support -- no extra hands -- to do what needed doing. We can dwell on what the outcome could have been if I'd had some help... but when I acknowledge that what happened was due to the resources at hand, I can see that I did my absolute best with what I was given. And if this points out that I need to learn to ask for help, I can focus there -- and get the tool I need for the future.

I might not have enough money to execute in the "proper" way -- today, many of us are having to adjust to tight budgets and limited funds -- but when I carp and complain about what might have been if I'd had enough money, I neglect what's really real. And what's real is what I've been able to actually accomplish with the money that's available.

And, when I'm honest, sometimes the tool I lack is the physical oomph to get done what needs doing. I could say to myself, "Well, if only I'd gotten a better night's sleep," or "if only I didn't have cancer," or "if only I lost 20 pounds," I visualize a different outcome that the one that really happened. That's when I step into fantasy land.

Because it's an unreal, possibly impossible outcome I'd be imagining. The outcome that happened is what happened. Dwelling on anything else is dwelling in fantasy. And inviting stress to come along for the ride.

When I know that am always doing my best, I can accept that some days I produce more, differently or better than other days. That's just the way it is. But every outcome is always the best possible outcome given the tools I have at hand.

When I know I am always doing my best, I can also figure you are likewise doing your best. And that gives me the freedom to not be stressed about it -- my job just may be helping you find the tools you need to do it differently.

Shift your thinking on this one, dear readers, and not only will your stress level plummet, but you'll find that what you do becomes better and easier. Why? Because you already know it's going to be your best. And like MacGyver, you'll be amazed at what can be accomplished with just the tools you have at hand.

Meeting Faith

I met Faith on an airplane.

She settled in next to me and when I introduced myself and held out my hand, she took it saying, "Wow, that's so polite. I'm Faith."

For those of you who have always wondered, how did Faith look? Like a walking goddess -- you know, like JLo, without the attitude.

Now I could go all allegorical on you and imagine some deep and meaningful conversation with Faith...

But I really did meet Faith. And she's a PhD candidate at Northwestern University in Chicago. Young and vibrant, Faith turned out to be wise beyond her years. And we had a surprisingly deep and meaningful conversation on our hour plus some flight from Chicago to DC the other day.

I walked away from meeting Faith with more faith, and that's what I want to tell you about.

Faith comes from a family that didn't have many things, and couldn't provide Faith with many opportunities. But a great one fell in her lap when she was 14 -- she got assigned a Big Sister.

This Big Sister inspired Faith, coached Faith, believed in Faith.

So Faith decided to try getting into a college, something that no one in her family had ever done.

And she got in.

And excelled.

And kept going.

And now Faith is a PhD candidate who hopes to use her training to help the community she came from.

She's got vision, she's got direction, and she's got hope.

She's Faith.

Our conversation was so powerful that I noticed the people across the aisle straining to catch our chat. What did we discuss? We talked about fears, and redefining oneself. We talked about what it's like to be highly educated in a family made up of people who are not. We talked about how relationships work and how they fall apart. We talked about what women need to do to preserve their identities and their options while in relationships. We talked about books that have been important to our lives, and meaningful quotes. We talked about the past and we talked about the future. We talked about what we believe about the world. We talked about faith.

The plane touched down and we left each other with a smile and a wave. And as Faith walked away, down the airport hallway toward whatever's next for her, I said a little prayer of thanksgiving. Thanks to that Big Sister who reached a hand out to a promising young girl, and thanks to all the other hands that have helped her along the way. Thanks to Faith who could have made other choices about the direction of her life but hasn't. And thanks to Providence for placing us side-by-side on that airplane.

Because I walked away from my meeting with Faith renewed, restored and hopeful. Meeting Faith helped me remember that people touch people in the most unexpected and important ways. That people, by and large, are good and generous. That strangers are simply friends I haven't met yet.

Yes, I met Faith on an airplane. Where I least expected her. Which just might be the most important lesson of all.

Change or Die

Being stuck stinks. You're stuck when you know you can't stay where you are but you don't exactly know where to go. It's like running on a treadmill covered in molasses -- slow and sticky. And you're forever running in place.

Why do we get stuck at all? Why can't we rational human beings simply decide to do this, that or the other thing and get a move on?

Ah, if only it were that simple.

A few years ago I read a fascinating article in Fast Company magazine called "Change or Die", and it's been really helpful in so many ways. It gave me insight into something important: people stay stuck in situations that aren't good for them because they can't see how making a change will lead to anything positive.

Let's look at wellness. The bulk of medical expenses come from five lifestyle habits -- smoking, drinking, eating, stress and not enough exercise. Most doctors tell patients "make changes in these areas, or you will die". But in a few months or years the patient goes back to the bad old habits that brought on the trouble in the first place. We know what's good for us, but we just don't do it. Why?

"Change or Die" cites the work of Dr. Dean Ornish, who has achieved remarkable long-term results by taking a different approach with heart patients:

"Doctors had been trying to motivate patients mainly with the fear of death, he says, and that simply wasn't working. For a few weeks after a heart attack, patients were scared enough to do whatever their doctors said. But death was just too frightening to think about, so their denial would return, and they'd go back to their old ways.

"The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles. 'Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating,' Ornish says. 'Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?'

"So instead of trying to motivate them with the 'fear of dying,' Ornish reframes the issue.He inspires a new vision of the 'joy of living' -- convincing them they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. 'Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear,' he says."

This approach makes a difference for my clients. And it can for you, too. Simply look for a positive motivator -- and believe it's possible to achieve -- and stuckness disappears.

Rather than focus on how alone you'll be when that cheating boyfriend is out of your life, think about how wonderful it will be to find a loyal and faithful partner. Rather than beat yourself up for not losing weight, think about all you will be able to do when you're healthier. Rather than dwell on how horrible it was to be fired, consider how great it will be to get a paycheck again.

Hey, if you're stuck in some area of your life, here's your homework: take out a piece of paper. Write one sentence about where you're stuck. Then write down what the happy outcome will be when you get unstuck. Shift it, baby. Then hold on to that positive glimmer and make a couple of teeny-tiny steps every day directly toward it.

It's not "change or die", my darlings, it's "change and be happy". And I'm here to tell you -- it's completely possible.

Centered Enthusiasm

I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It's an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it's spring that's doing it. There's that moment in winter -- some bitter Tuesday in February -- when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that's what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday's free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you'd like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 "Be with positive people" prompted a couple of questions -- how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you're not even aware of their negativity -- because they're your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who's negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down -- they're likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side -- they're likely negative. If they use a lot of words like "can't", "won't" and "shouldn't" -- negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. "My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?" you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos -- simply say, "Gosh, sounds like you're really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I'm going to go into the next room, and when you're ready to talk calmly, come get me." Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I'd sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I'm standing in front of a bear. Ain't no bear in the neighborhood, but I'm behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I'll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you're surrounded on every side by negativity, all you'll see is the bad. You'll never see the happy buds of spring, you'll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I'm going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call "centered enthusiasm" -- I know what's going on in my world, and I'm still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don't you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn't shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead -- allow the unfurling to begin.

We're All In This Together

Double bubble, toil and trouble. Anger, maybe even rage, disbelief, uncertainty, anxiety -- there's a potent brew boiling around our country today, and I want to understand it.

From what I've gathered, the question is: If you run a multi-billion dollar company into the ground, and threaten the financial well-being of the entire global community, should you be given multi-million dollar bonuses?

Or, maybe the question is: Why should people who live within their means have to foot the bill for people who spent money they didn't have on stuff they didn't need?

Or could be the question really be: Are we all in this together, or what?

Back in 2004, I had the opportunity to organize President Reagan's State Funeral. As the funeral procession snaked its way from the hilltop National Cathedral through the city to Andrews Air Force Base, I saw people of all colors and stripes thronging the streets. Hands over hearts, paying respects -- didn't matter if they wore a pin-striped suit up in Northwest DC, or cutoffs and tube tops down in Southeast -- people turned out that summer day to honor a man some of them never even agreed with.

I distinctly remember thinking: people wanted to belong to something.

We had felt it before, on September 12, 2001. Remember that day? After the immediate shock and horror and loss, people were really nice to one another. We made eye contact. We held doors open. We talked with strangers. We even let people go in front of us in traffic. We were experiencing something big, and scary, and unexpected -- but we were experiencing it together.

For a period of time our country really was a kinder, gentler place.

My seventh grade daughter is studying World War II in social studies. She asked, "What was the war like for our family?" I told her about all my uncles that served, and how five of her great-grandmother's brothers had served at the same time. I told her about Gold Star Mothers. I told her how people saved bacon grease and salvaged scrap metal to help the war effort. I told her about rationing and about Rosie the Riveter.

I told her how everyone worked together, united in common purpose to make it through a very difficult time.

How to describe the feeling when the light bulb goes off? Pop! - it hit me: the problem today is that some of us are sacrificing -- we've made cuts in our spending, we're living below our means, we're responsible with our lives -- and some are not. The bonus-paying bankrupt companies and the bonus-receiving misguided executives? The foreclosure flippers? Doesn't appear that they are sacrificing, or are making plans any time soon to change their frame of reference.

It's a scary time and we're simply not in this together. And that bothers us.

Because when times are tough, the American people want to belong to something bigger than themselves, like the war effort in World War II. We want our sacrifices to be worth something. We want to share the uncertainty and worry. We want to save bacon grease and send it where it can best be used. We will use ration cards.

But we want rationing to be fair. And we want to save our bacon grease for a purpose, not just to serve some public relations ploy designed by politicians and spinmeisters.

Let me tell you, the politician who taps into this national zeitgeist will find himself, or herself, riding the crest of a new wave of American political life.

But until that Mayor or Senator or Governor or Congressman wakes up and sees that business-as-usual is no longer the way business is being done; until that politician realizes that greed is no longer the driver of anything worth having; until that politican understands that the American people are smarter and more resilient than they're given credit for -- there's only one thing for you and me to do.

We'll do it ourselves. We will lead our leaders. We'll say no to pork-barrel spending and yes to spending that creates jobs and opportunities, or helps the most vulnerable among us. We will create our own sense of purpose and involve our community, by simple things like having potluck suppers with the neighbors, or cleaning up a local creek, or working in a community kitchen, or donating to micro-finance efforts to help people start businesses.

If belonging is what we want, belonging is what we will create. We'll be in this together. And when we step up and show the way, believe me, our leaders will just have one choice to make: follow, or get out of the way.

That's what I understand. How about you?

Survey Says!

Thanks to everyone who responded to my survey in the last couple of weeks. If you haven't had the chance yet, and would like to give me your two cents -- Michele Woodward's Survey.

The results so far have been extremely helpful. I have a good sense of what you like, and what you'd like more of. And I'm going to give it to you.

First, you want more free stuff.

To that end, I'm going to start offering a free class every month via conference call. The first one will be on managing your anxiety around the economy, your job, and the future. I think I will call it "Yikes! What's Going On With the Economy!"(working title, natch) Scheduled for noon (eastern) Friday, March 27th, you can access the call by dialing 712/941-0216 and enter PIN 987411.

I'll explain some ideas, teach some practical coping tools, then we'll have time for you to ask me any question you've got on your mind.

Think it's going to be great.

Second, you want some lower cost stuff.

To that end, I'll throw this out there. I love doing small group coaching. Love, love, love it. So if you have a group of people who are all facing the same kinds of issues -- going back to work, starting a business, looking for a job, facing an empty nest, reinventing lives -- think about forming a coaching group. I will facilitate, teach, lead, design the program, and be the coach to everyone. It's a cost-effective way to get moving forward, with the added benefit of moving forward with supportive, like-minded people.

If you build it, I will come.

In the next six weeks, I'm going to a trade association, a law firm, a women's group, a mom's group at a church, and maybe to a hedge fund company, to give presentations and classes. Several survey respondents said they wished I had more in-person classes they could attend.

I'd love that, too.

Problem is -- space. So, if you have space and would like to host a series of classes, let me know. I'd love to offer this kind of service.

And, speaking of service, in response to several of you, I'm offering a special package to help you prepare for job interviews or performance reviews. Quick, focused, to-the-point coaching sessions and you'll walk into the meeting prepared for success. If you're at the place where you want to have an edge that puts you over the top, this package may just be the thing for you. Call me.

I'm going to continue to offer book recommendations, because everyone seems to enjoy those. Even me! And you gave me some great insight into other blog topics you want to see. Know what the most popular topic is? Getting clear on priorities. I promise we'll do work on that in the months to come.

One great suggestion that I'd also like to implement -- you know I love connecting people to other people, to things or to ideas that help them solve their problems. So how about this nifty idea? If you have a product or a service that might be useful or interesting to other readers, let me know. I'm going to make that a new feature in upcoming newsletters.

So, lots of great changes as a result of your thoughtful input. I really appreciate the time you took and the generosity of spirit you each showed. Thanks to you, I can do more of what I'm good at -- on terms that mean more to you.

Can't get much better than that.

Make A Referral Week

I am an unabashed, unapologetic proponent of small businesses. And I'm afraid that amid the hullabaloo about stimulus packages and corporate bailouts, insufficient attention has been paid to the real engine of our global economy -- small businesses.

Until John Jantsch. Yep, John. The dude who started Duct Tape Marketing. John has declared March 9 -13, 2009 as Make A Referral Week. John's goal: to generate 1000 referrals to small business during the week -- thereby creating a bunch of money for a bunch of people. A grassroots wave of generosity. A tsunami of stimulus.

Hell yes, I'm participating. I just love this idea. It's something I can do at a time when there doesn't feel like much I can do. And I'll bet that between you and me and all my other readers, we can generate 1000 referrals all by ourselves. Won't you join me by making a pledge to refer one person to another person this week? It's equally as valuable to ask for a referral during the week, too, so if you need something all you have to do is ask. I, for one, am happy to oblige.

How often have you said, "I just don't have enough time to..."? Or, "there just aren't enough hours in the day"? You've got a lot to do, I've got a lot to do, Aunt Tilly has a lot to do. Add in the grim financial realities many of us face, and not only is there not enough time -- but there's not enough money.

Let me expose you to a bit of counter-intuitive thinking. When you lack time or money to get stuff done, what's the best thing you can possibly do? No, you can't squeeze three more hours out of the day. Nice try.

No, when you don't have enough time or money, the thing to do is to delegate. To outsource the thing that takes up your time and attention so you can free up the time to focus on making money.

Sure, this is clear if you're a business owner -- I get someone to take care of my taxes, for instance, so I can use that time to sell more services. But it's just as true that salaried people need to delegate. When you delegate, you make the space to focus on your priorities. And when you make progress on your priorities (and do what your boss thinks is important), you'll perform at the top of your game, leading to raises, bonuses and promotions.

And the best part of delegating is getting great help -- finding someone experienced and trustworthy and talented -- to take some of your load off. That's the point of asking for a referral, by the way.

Little niggling voice: "But I should do it all myself. I'm going to look weak if I delegate. People like me don't hire people to do work we can do ourselves." Go ahead. Hold onto that mindset. And continue to lack enough time or enough money. Your choice.

When it's humming on all cylinders, the referral game goes both ways. I benefit when someone refers me work, and I benefit when I refer work to others. How? I have to tell you, when I give a recommendation to someone -- "here, hire this person. You won't be sorry" -- there's no feeling like it in the world. It sparks a recognition in me that I live in a great, generous place where good things happen for me, and I help good things happen for others. Goes a long way toward zapping those nasty Recession Blues.

Yep, I thoroughly love making referrals and I'm going to be making gobs of them this week. Got some time? I think I'm going to be referring you.

The Absence Of Perfect - Part 2

Back in 2007, I wrote about what to do in the Absence Of Perfect. What do you do when the perfect solution you have in mind is just not gonna happen?

You can hold on to your idea of "perfect" or, as I suggest, you can ask yourself, "what's my best option right now?"

There's so much uncertainty in life these days, and just like you I'm feeling it. In my perfect world, everyone who wanted a job would have a good one. We'd all make our mortgage payments and guys like Bernie Madoff would be responsible stewards of other people's money.

Yep, in my perfect world, you and I wouldn't worry about paying for food, or juggling bills, or managing prescriptions, or getting shingles replaced on the roof because there would always be enough of everything for everyone.

A Michele-ian utopia.

But right now perfect is not happening.

So what's our best option? Well, we could wallow, which is an oft-chosen yet quite unproductive option, or we could do something. I, as you regular readers can imagine, am taking the "do something" approach:

1. Honoring my priorities -- which means mortgage, mortgage, mortgage. It's my intention to pay it first, and attend to other obligations from there. Prioritizing my mortgage means that I am also watching refinancing opportunities like a hawk, and will jump just as soon as I possibly can. This works for me as I plan to stay in my house indefinitely. Well, at least until my kids can get in-state tuition at one of the great universities in Virginia. Or until the Redskins win another Super Bowl. Didn't I say "indefinitely"?

2. Take on no new debt -- which means no big spending. I'd been considering post-graduate studies, and that is now officially on hold. Here's my rule of thumb: If I can pay for it fully in cash, or pay it off in three months, I will do it. If not, I'm shoving it to the back burner.

3. Pay down my debt -- which may mean that I don't have as much cash on hand as the so-called experts suggest but when I have less debt, I will have more cash flow, allowing me to build up my cash reserves quickly. Feels right to me.

4. Doing what I can to increase my income -- which means I've developed some great new programs. I have The Results Club for job seekers with my colleague Christina Brandt -- a phenomenally gifted Master Coach -- and we're working together on a useful e-book called Finding a Job 2.0. I'm also working with Pam Slim, an insightful and humorous writer and Master Coach, to launch Kick-Ass Mentoring this week, which will help coaches move from stuck to success. Both of these programs are so good that I get goose bumps. All these efforts will (cross your fingers) bring in revenue and more easily help me attend to numbers 1-3 above.

Oh, I hear you. You government employees, corporate citizens, teachers and other blokes who have steady employment -- "How can I make more money? I'm on a salary." Yes, you are. And you can be like the happy young teacher I met the other day, who is working as a waitress on the weekends, AND creating memorable art-themed birthday parties for kids in her spare time around classes. Quite the go-getter.

The question for you may be, How can you go get? What can you do? I'm telling you -- I feel good that I'm doing something. I have a plan. I have priorities. Which is my best option, given that so much is beyond my control.

If you're freaked out about what's happening now -- if your reality of layoffs and tight budgets doesn't meet your idea of perfection -- then take a little step back and ask yourself, "OK, what's my best option here?" What can you do?

Living on the Contribution Side

On Friday, I had a little issue. Big wind storm. Cable out, internet out, phone out. Followed the maze of my provider's complicated customer service system only to find out that the problem was not with them, but with me. Turns out I had a surge, knocking out the power to the main box.

OK. Called an electrical repair firm that has done work with me before. Asked if someone could come out that day to repair the problematic power outlet. Simple enough request, huh?

Uh-uh. No, the young receptionist quickly told me three different reasons why she didn't want my business. One: "We don't do anything with phones." (You're not listening. It's not my phone, it's a power outlet.) Two: "We don't work in your area today." (Your office is half a mile from my house.) And, Three, after I succinctly asked, "So, you're telling me that there is no possible way to get someone out to my house today?": "Well, you wouldn't want to pay the emergency rate." (Her tone said, "Only idiots would pay that.")

Yes, as a matter of fact I am exactly the kind of idiot who will consider the emergency rate. Which was $97. About $30 more than a regular visit.

Worth it to me.

Maybe not worth it to her.

It's that idea -- "I wouldn't, so why would you?" -- that keeps us from opportunities. It reflects a lack of confidence, maybe. Or a lack of appreciation. Or it's a self-esteem thing. Or a self-centeredness thing. Regardless, there's a fear there, and it's probably the fear of being told no.

If I say, "You wouldn't want to..." and you end up taking my suggestion -- why, you're actually agreeing with me. Ha, ha! I win!

But I really lose. I lose a customer, I lose a job, I lose confidence.

I seem to be doing a lot of work these days prepping people for job interviews and performance appraisals. Imagine going into one of these settings and saying, "You wouldn't want to hire me, would you?" Or, "You don't want to promote me, do you?" But if you have the idea "I wouldn't hire/promote me" in your mind, you utterly telegraph that losing message. And you don't get hired, or promoted. You just stay stuck.

Yet this is how many people approach life. Negative rather than positive. Subtraction rather than contribution.

Let me tell you, living life on the contribution side -- focusing solely on how you can help in the given situation -- fundamentally shifts everything.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if that young receptionist had listened carefully and said, "Sounds like you need an electrician. Our regular appointments are all booked up today, but we have an emergency system that might just be perfect for you. It's just $30 more for the first half hour, and I could send someone over after 4pm. How's that sound?"

See how she might have made it easy for me? See how she could have told me how she could fix my problem, rather than focus on how she couldn't?

It's all a matter of attitude. And language that clearly states how you can help. How are you doing on that? If you find yourself living in the negative, come on over to the contribution side. It's nice here.

Because when you live on the contribution side, you make it easy for people to work with you, and to like you. And to pay you. When you live on the contribution side, you are focusing on what can happen, rather than what can't.

When you live on the contribution side, life becomes about opening rather than closing. And know what's opening? It's you. You're opening to good things happening in your life. And you can start today by simply asking yourself how can you contribute. And then, go ahead and do it.

Power Talk

Last week our Results Club session featured a fascinating conversation (if I do say so myself) with John Kador, author of 201 Best Questions To Ask On Your Interview, among plenty of other books.

John was talking about how to answer that old job interview chestnut, "So. Tell me a little about yourself." John's suggested response? "I'd be happy to tell you about myself, but first, may I ask a question?"

If you were the interviewer, what would you say? I'd say, "Sure, go ahead."

And, guess what? By asking a question first, you've effectively changed the course of the conversation. You have the full attention of the interviewer and you are now in charge.

Don't blow the opportunity.

John suggested you ask a question that is eerily similar to my Best Job Interview Question Ever: "What expectations do you have for this position?"

Great question. Because the answer tells you exactly what you need to focus on when you talk about yourself, your strengths and your skills.

And, I was thinking.

As I am wont to do.

Today, it's as much about keeping a job as it is getting a job. And to keep your job you need to make sure people know how you're contributing and how you're fulfilling their needs.

Why not use this question -- "what are your expectations for me in the coming months?" -- with your boss, or your board, or, if you're brave enough, with your subordinates? Why not use this question to touch base, and to "sell" yourself and your abilities?

Wouldn't it be great to deliver exactly what someone wants and needs?

Wouldn't that make you completely irreplaceable?

What's Your Why?

Let's face it. It's a scary world out there. People are losing their homes, and losing their jobs. In fact, unemployment in the U.S. hasn't been this widespread since 1974.

Think -- babies born in 1974 are 35 years old today. Probably married. Probably a couple of kids. Couple of credit cards. Car payments. Mortgage. Bills.

Thirty-five year olds have no frame of reference for what's going on now. My guess is they figured home values would always go up, as would salaries, bonuses and retirement plans. When up, up, up turns to down, down, down -- it's a frightening, unsettling experience.

Even folks with jobs who pay their mortgages on time are feeling beseiged, as if at any minute they could be in trouble, too. We feel powerless. The rug has been pulled out from underneath, or is about to be tugged violently. What's the purpose of life if you lose everything you've worked your whole life to achieve? Where's the meaning in that?

This week I picked up an old favorite to re-read -- Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning. Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, was imprisoned in Auschwitz and Dachau, and he writes eloquently about his harrowing experiences in the death camps. It was through unimaginable suffering that Frankl was able to find meaning not only in his life, but to fully understand how others find meaning in theirs.

Frankl suggests that meaning and purpose is derived from having a why. Why live? Why suffer? Why keep putting one foot in front of the other? In the camps, Frankl discovered, survival of the inmates was completely dependent on having a why: "Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why -- an aim -- for their lives, in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence."

Frankl says our why is always one of three things: doing something, loving someone, or rising above yourself by turning tragedy into triumph.

Now, I have to say this. Losing your job is not the same as being in Dachau. Even in 1974, people ultimately found new jobs. Losing your home? Not Auschwitz. But these are certainly tough times. To survive, you have to know your own personal why.

And if you're stuck, struggling, hurting, depressed... you especially need to get in touch with your why and let it guide your life.

Ask yourself, what's my reason for being here? Is there something you need to accomplish? Someone whose life you cherish? Is your why to parent your children into independent adulthood? Is it to love and support your spouse? Is it to take this very difficult time -- to be willing to lose everything you've worked for -- and emerge stronger, more confident, and wiser?

All of these are excellent whys. And when you have your why fixed firmly in your mind, you can do more than endure. You can move forward and thrive.

You not only can. You will.

A Good Cry

The other day I saw a young father holding his young son in his arms. The boy was crying, and the father kept saying, "Now, stop your crying. Listen to me. Stop crying."

Of course, the little boy only cried harder.

And that's how it goes, right? As I walked past I thought of all the times I told my children to stop crying. Why? Because their tears made me uncomfortable. Geez, it was awkward. I had no clue what to do with a crying child. I was worried what other people thought of me as a mother -- I mean, my kid was sobbing hysterically. Doesn't that trigger the Really Bad Mother Alert?

As I watched that young father, my heart went out to him. And I thought about what I'd do now if I were in that same spot.

I think I'd say to my little child, "Honey, it looks like you need some time to cry. How much time do you think you might need? OK. I'll be right over here -- you take all the time you want." And I'd sit and wait until the crying was done.

'Cuz sometimes we all need to cry.

I'd let my kid decide when he was through feeling sad or angry or whatever, rather than tell him when to stop. If we're told to deny our unpleasant feelings when we're very young, how in the world can we expect to know how to handle them when we're adults?

There are a lot of people out of a job today. Yet, many of them are stuck in their job search. Why? Because they haven't honored what they really need -- understanding and acceptance of why they were let go from their previous job. Every single day they get that old message, "Stop it now. Stop crying. Suck it up. Get on with it."

And this is why folks get stuck. And why they bomb job interviews. And they remain in limboland.

Because they haven't taken time to honor the full sweep of their emotions over losing their last job.

If your self-talk is all about the past -- the wrongs done to you, how stupid your old boss was, what idiots they were to keep Joe and let you go (sound at all familiar?) -- then do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for success by taking some time to fully feel how sad you are. Mourn the real loss you've suffered.

You may have heard that your results reveal your true intentions, and that is absolutely, 100% true. If you are out of work and not really working on your job search, what might be holding you back is the past.

"Oh, sure," you say. "I'm out of work and she wants me to get all introspective! I don't have time -- I need some money!"

I'm not saying wallow. Or become paralyzed. I'm saying have yourself a good cry for as long as you need to. I'm saying let it out and let it go. And then wipe your eyes and get back on track.

Because when you finally come to terms with the grief you've been denying, you will have let go of the past and planted your feet firmly in today. Let go of the past, sugar, and it has no power over you. You'll be happier, and look happier, and feel happier.

And happy people are the people who get hired.

Your Hidden Treasure

Once upon a time a baby girl was born to loving parents. On the day of her birth they gave her a beautiful box, a treasured gift. By her second birthday, the loving parents had died and the little girl was living with her aunt.

Now, Auntie was a mean-spirited, angry and bitter old woman. As the girl grew into a lovely young woman, Auntie would remind her, "You're no better than anyone else", and "Don't get too big for your britches", and, more painfully, "You are as ugly as your mother", for Auntie had doted on the girl's father and ignorantly blamed the girl's mother for his death.

So, the girl grew up believing that she was, indeed, unattractive, and hid herself behind unfashionable and unflattering clothes.

At school, the girl worked hard and excelled at her studies. In fifth grade, jealous and deceitful Teacher took her aside and said, "You're not as smart as you think you are -- you're just lucky. Once your luck fades, you will fail." The girl did not know that luck was more important than hard work. Auntie had never told her that. She began to worry more about her luck running out than her studies, and soon her grades began to fall. "Teacher was right," she thought. "I am not smart. Auntie is right, too. Who do I think I am, anyway?"

The girl struggled to finish her schooling and began to look for a job. Auntie said, "Don't aim too high, you'll be disappointed," so the girl took a job cleaning offices. It was difficult, dirty, boring work, but the girl believed she was not smart enough to do anything else. Hadn't Teacher said? Hadn't Auntie said?

Every day she rode the bus to work. One day Nice Man started a conversation with the girl. She liked how his eyes twinkled. He had a kind face. He was a happy fellow. He asked her to go with him for a cup of coffee. Now, the girl had never been on a date with a boy before because Auntie had told her that all men, save her dead father, were useless bullies. "Men are interested in only one thing," Auntie would say. "And once they get it, they dump you in a hot second." The girl did not know what to do -- this man seemed nice. But he might be fooling her.

She did not trust her own instincts. Auntie had been right about so many things -- perhaps she was right about men and relationships. So with a sad shake of the head she said no to the coffee, and from that day on did not talk to any men.

Ten years later the girl was numb, living the same kind of small, safe life Auntie led. She was old before her time. That spring, Auntie died. The girl did not know what to do. She had looked to Auntie for so much. How could an old, ugly, stupid cleaning lady make it in the world, all alone?

As she cleaned the small house she shared with Auntie, she found the beautiful box her parents had given her on the day of her birth. She did not know what it was as spiteful Auntie had hidden the treasure away. The girl gently lifted the lid and a small piece of paper fluttered to her feet.

She opened it. It was from her parents. It said, "You are the treasure. May you live a life worthy of all of your gifts." Inside the box was an intricately engraved silver mirror. The girl took the beautiful, cool metal in her hands and held it up to her face.

With a blinding flash, the girl saw what her parents had seen in her even as a baby. She saw clearly into her own heart and she was astonished. Rather than the ugly woman she had thought herself for so many years, suddenly she saw a lovely young woman. Was that her? Was she really that pretty?

In a moment, her limiting thoughts about herself fell away. She was beautiful, for she could see that clearly with her parents' gift. She was able to love, for she had loved even unlovable Auntie. And she was smart, because she had figured out these things about herself.

And she knew, too, that all of those things had been inside her, hidden her whole life, because that's how others had wanted it to be. She had been made to act small so that others could feel big. She straightened her spine at that thought, and vowed to never again allow herself to be framed by what others thought about her.

The next day the girl sold Auntie's house, quit her job, enrolled in college and began her life anew, knowing that her greatest treasure was within her. It always had been there, and always would be.

Moral of the story: To live fully, you must live without limits -- whether imposed by yourself or imposed by others. Everything you need to be your best self is already within you. That is your greatest treasure.

Letter To My Children

Dear Munroe and Grace, I saw that President-elect Obama has written a letter to his daughters, expressing his hopes for their lives, and for the lives of all American children.

So, I thought I'd take a minute to write you and tell you what I hope for your lives, too.

First, I wish you a long and healthy life. Fortunately, you've got great genes going for you -- but there are things you need to do to help yourself along. Pay attention to your nutrition, because what you put into your body fuels what you're able to do in your life. Consciously taking in things that are good for you is a huge step toward taking loving care of yourself. When you take in good food, you set the tone for other good things in your life. And always move your body. Feel your muscles move under your skin. Dance, walk, hike, run, swim. It feels good, sure, but it also intimately reminds you of your own inherent strength and power.

Which brings me to my second wish for you -- I wish you happy and healthy partnerships and friendships. I once read this piece of advice: "If you wouldn't say it to your daughter, don't say it to your son." So, let me tell both of you the same thing: becoming intimately involved with anyone -- allowing them access to your mind and your body -- is the greatest gift you can give. Make sure the people you choose deserve your gift. And pay attention, too, to the friends you bring closest to you -- find people whose honor and integrity match yours. Finally, remember that neediness often masquerades as love, but it's not love -- it's just a false mask of love. Serving someone else's chronic neediness is not what's best for your life. Plus, it's downright exhausting.

What's best for you is love. As you know, I like Henri Nouwen's definition of love. "Making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves." And my third wish for you is that you have a life full of love. To get that, though, you first have to make a safe place for you to be yourself. That means not beating yourself up every minute of every day. It means loving yourself when you make a mistake, or say something incredibly stupid, or act really thoughtlessly. It means making space for an apology, and making up for your shortcomings.

When you love yourself first, you are able to fully love others.

And let me clarify -- I'm not suggesting overweening, narcissistic self love. Narcissists see people as objects, not individuals, and lack the ability to empathize with others. That's the opposite of my wish for you! To love yourself, it's vital to see people clearly for who they are, with all their human frailties and strengths, and to appreciate their human struggles -- and share their burdens and joys where you can.

You've already faced challenges in your young lives and I hope you look back on those experiences with a sense of pride and accomplishment in your own resilience. You will face hard times in your life -- it's a fact of life. But you can make the hard times easier by looking back at past challenges and realizing you made it through before... and you will again. Every single time.

When you're forty years old, I hope you're a good partner, and a good parent. I hope you're a good friend, and a good neighbor. I hope you have a job you like and that helps you pay your bills, and that you put some money away for a rainy day. I hope you vote in every election, and that you work to make your community a better place. When you're forty, I hope you make time to read books that excite you and to have conversations that inspire you.

But most of all, I hope you're happy. And my best advice on how to be happy is this: Live fully in the knowledge that, in each moment, you are going to make the best possible decisions you can possibly make -- so you can live with few regrets.

Your lives are infinitely precious to me, but your futures are yours to craft. Create them with care, and with love.

Just as you were created. Just as you were raised. Just as you are loved. Now, and always.

-- Love, Mom

The Results Club

My friend and fellow Master Coach Chris Brandt and I were talking about how we could contribute to the world in 2009. If we were to use our skills to "be a force for good," as I put it, what would that look like? How could we put our skills and talents together to meet a need? The result of that conversation is The Results Club.

The headlines tell the story: "Unemployment Rises," "No Sector Untouched," "Executives Downsized." The global unemployment is higher than many of us have ever seen. And finding a job right now can be tough. Especially for a mid-career executive who's highly skilled, and highly paid.

To answer precisely this need, Chris and I have built an 8-week support program for mid/upper-level professionals who find themselves in job search mode, called The Results Club.

This unique and innovative program provides a step-by-step approach to any executive job search. Plus, each class is supplemented by a secure discussion forum, where tools, ideas, tactics and information can be shared within The Results Club community.

Drawing on our own networks and our many years of experience -- Chris as a Human Resources executive with organizations like News Corporation and Swiss Re, plus various financial services companies and startups, and my leadership positions in corporate America, with dot-com startups, and at the White House, as well as my job as Career Advice Coach at www.BettyConfidential.com -- we have assembled a fantastic slate of speakers who can offer cutting edge advice to today's job search.

Each webinar class will feature an interview with an expert, offer innovative tips & tools, and the opportunity for one-on-one coaching with me and Chris. Here's the schedule:

January 28th - Taking Stock & Making a Plan: Featuring an interview with Dr. Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star and Steering By Starlight

February 4th - Creating a Resume that Works: Featuring an interview with Bonnie Kurka, Vice President of the National Resume Writers Association

February 11th - Speak Up! How to Interview: Featuring an interview with Cyndi Maxey and Kevin O'Connor, co-authors of Speak Up! How to Present Like a Pro

February 18th - Networking: Featuring an interview with Liz Lynch, author of Smart Networking

February 25th - Maximizing Social Media: Featuring an interview with Pam Slim, blogging expert and author of Escape From Cubicle Nation

March 4th - Reinventing Your Career in Mid-life: Featuring an interview with Mary Beth Sammons, author of Second Acts That Change Lives

March 11th - Salary Negotiations/Working with Recruiters: Featuring an interview with executive recruiters

March 18th Staying on Course: tips, tactics and plans to keep your job search moving forward, featuring a panel of career coaches.

The total cost for the 8-week program is $375 (USD). Space is limited - register today!

While Recovering...

Since I'm still recovering from my recent surgery, I thought I'd repeat a post from January 3, 2007 -- called "Alive and Awake":

I have a little shorthand I use to describe some people. I started with “deeply unconscious”. Then I shifted to: “lacking insight into themselves and how they function in the world.” Both of these phrases were my feeble attempts to get at a larger issue – how to describe people who have no interest in (and in fact run screaming from the very idea of) personal awareness, openness and growth.

(You know who you are.)

Recently, I was running errands and had Oprah & Friends playing on my XM radio. I have to admit it: I have an Oprah crush. Sure, she’s got Steadman, and I’m not gay. But still.

I love her.

And I love her Friends. So the other day, I was listening to Dr. Robin Smith, author of Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, when my girl Dr. Robin said something that caught my ear. She said, “It’s time for you to step up and be a grown-up. It’s time for you to be alive and awake.”

Ka-thunk. That was it! Alive and awake! I want my friends to be alive and awake. I want my family to be alive and awake. I want my clients to be alive and awake. I want to be alive and awake.

Why would anyone want to be anything other than alive and awake? What’s the opposite there – unaware and asleep? Hmmmn. Guess if you’re unaware or asleep, you’re kinda safe. You’re insulated from feeling anything or having the scary possibility of anything in your life changing. You sleepwalk through your life, numbed to all experience.

Is that the way to live?

I’ve always wondered what babies think when they fall asleep in their car seat and wake up in their crib. Do they think, “Whoa! Weren’t we just going to the grocery store? How’d I get here?”

Maybe that’s what happens for some people at mid-life. They begin to wake up and think, “Whoa! How’d I get here?” And if they’d been awake and experiencing their 20s and 30s, maybe they’d have a partial clue.

Being alive and awake is a lot of work. The major spiritual traditions suggest that coming awake is our soul’s lifework. It was the Buddha, wasn’t it, who experienced enlightenment and became The Awakened One?

I love the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:7-8: “Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Leading me to believe that if you never seek, you will never find. If you aren’t alive enough to seek enlightenment – asking who you are and why you are here – you’ll never be awakened.

There is an element of pain and suffering to being alive and awake that you certainly don’t have to face when you’re unaware and asleep. When you’re alive and awake you consciously open yourself to good and bad, happiness and pain, light and dark. Would the easier way be to lead a life of only the former and none of the latter?

That ain’t gonna happen, is it?

As writer Jack Kornfeld has said, you can’t live full time in a blissful state. Even the most enlightened person has to do the laundry from time to time.

Alive and awake is about balance. Think about balance for a moment: bakers add a little salt into a dessert recipe to enhance the sweetness of the treat. Balloonists add a load to their lighter-than-air craft so they can control ascent and descent. Opposites attract.

Continuing the homey aphorisms, it’s said that into every life a little rain must fall. And where would we be in a world without a little rain? Well, we’d have drought. Which would bring on famine. Then death.

Perhaps being unaware and asleep is the way some people try to avoid death. Funny, isn’t it? You go through life insulating yourself from experiences because you’re afraid of death, and guess what? You die anyway.

Because we all do.

How much better, then, to fully live until you die? How much better to turn your face up to the rain and lick the drops as they fall into your life? How much better it would be to live sensing everything, feeling everything, knowing as much as you can. How much better it would be to be alive and awake.

What a great New Year’s Resolution, huh?

A Big Fat Thank You

Thank you.

Two little words. So much meaning.

Thank you. Thank you to everyone who dropped me an email to wish me well on the surgery. Thanks to everyone who held me in your good thoughts and prayers over the last week. Thanks for the flowers, and the food, and the understanding.

I went into this whole thing bathed in the light of real thankfulness, and maybe that's why I'm feeling so great.

The surgery last Friday was uneventful -- the whole thyroid came out, and I have a lovely incision mark at the base of my throat. I am working up a narrative to explain the scar that includes a) a biker bar fight, b) wild chickens, c) Elizabeth Taylor, and d)"you should have seen the other guy." More on that later.

Truthfully, it's not that bad -- my surgeon said, "Oh, this scar will fade right into your neck fold." Eyebrows raised (mine): "Neck fold? I have no neck fold! What you talkin' about, Willis?" (one reads the People Magazine 80s Edition while recuperating, of course)

Today, I'm up and about doing all the normal things I do. Other than the bandage on my neck, a little hoarseness and a weariness at the end of the day, I'm good.

So, I'm looking forward to 2009 and am thankful (there's that word again!) to have some exciting things to announce very shortly. Stay with me, will ya? Next year is going to be so much fun.

And, again -- Thank you.

Make Mine A Whopper

Since my kids were little, we'd back them up against the wall, ask them to stand straight and tall, and make a little line to mark their height. Today, they can stand at the same wall and see physical evidence of how much they've grown.

It's much harder for us adults to see evidence of how much we've grown. But I got the chance this week.

Because this week I learned I have cancer.

It's thyroid cancer, and I'm having surgery later this week to remove the gland. One dose of radiation later, and, as my surgeon chirpily said, "you'll be cured of cancer by December 30th."

The C-word is a toughie for so many of us. Cancer's got a ton of "dirty pain" associated with it. Ever heard the phrase "dirty pain"? Dr. Steven Hayes, a noted psychologist, coined the term in his development of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as a counterpoint to "clean pain".

Clean pain is the pain that naturally flows from an action or situation. You stub your toe, it hurts. You say, "Ouch." That's clean pain. Dirty pain is the story you tell about what happened. Like, "Geez, I am always so clumsy! What a jerk! I can't believe I stubbed my toe! What an idiot!"

So here's how I know I've changed. There was a time when a cancer diagnosis would have prompted me to take to my bed. I would have been overwhelmed, obsessive, swamped, anxious, fearful, and cranky. I wouldn't have been able to listen to my doctors for the whirring sound of panic in my ears. I would have eaten a gallon of chocolate fudge brownie daily to soothe my mind, or treated myself to something "nice" (and stupidly expensive) at the mall.

I would probably watch "Beaches" eight times. In a row. Kleenex stock prices would soar.

I would have told myself really uplifting things like, "you brought this on by doing something wrong", "of course you're a loser, you got cancer", "see, nothing good ever happens to you," and, the whopper, "you are going to die and leave your children motherless and no one will even care."

Plenty of stories. Stories that serve only one purpose -- to extend the dirty pain, promote suffering, and keep us one-down, a victim to circumstance.

But how I took this cancer diagnosis surprised me. The diagnosis came with absolutely no story. Well, just a little story. And here it is:

I am a woman who found a lump. I had my doctor look at it. Tests were run. It's cancer. It's coming out.

Sure, there may be some pain after the surgery and I'll let that be whatever it is. Right now, I'm fine. And so, I'm going to be fine until something hurts and then I'll say "Ouch". What's the point of zooming ahead and feeling next week's pain today? That will only give me two weeks of pain when I really only have to -- maybe -- do one.

OK, I'll admit it, I'm slightly amazed at my own response. But it makes sense. After all the years of work and study and practice, I have arrived at a place where I can be clear and have pretty clean pain around this whole situation. It's a rather welcome validation of the hard changes I knew I needed to make in my life. I have actually done what I set out to do. Ain't that something?

Yep, I look at my own personal growth chart and like what I see -- I'm standing tall, back up to the wall, clear and aware of exactly how much I've grown. Who knew having cancer could feel so good?

Christmagical

I have the most fabulous teenaged daughter. Sure, she turned to me recently -- we were at the Gap and I was singing along with Mick Jagger, doing my best version of the White Woman's Boogie -- and asked, "Were you born embarrassing?" OK, I don't hold that against her. She's almost thirteen. She's supposed to find me utterly embarrassing. It's her job.

She's on the cusp of a life passage -- less child, more woman. As a result, she sees things from both perspectives. Both wise and wondering.

The other day as we turned a corner we spied lavish and ornate Christmas decorations. She exclaimed with the absolute delight of a child, "Mom, it's Christmagical!"

Would that we all could look at this time of year as magical. But it's hard, isn't it? So much to do. Get a tree. Get it off the car, into the house and on the stand. Haul out the decorations. Well, first you have to find them among the clutter you piled over them in the last twelve months. And buy a new package of those little hooks. Decorate the tree. Get gifts. Special, meaningful, perfect gifts. Wrap said gifts. Mail gifts. Shop for food. Cook food. Bake cookies.

Don't get me started on The Christmas Card Process. Or How To Fake Holiday Cheer To Get Through Yet Another Christmas Party.

Adult life is not very Christmagical.

This is the point where I could write about The True Meaning of Christmas, but I'll leave that to Linus (A Charlie Brown Christmas really says it all).

No, I'm going to say this: to really experience the fullness of everything Christmagical you just have to do one thing. You have to be open to unconditional receiving.

You have to be able to turn a corner and gasp because the decorations you see are so beautiful.

You have to allow yourself to tear up when you hear Vanessa Williams sing "Go Tell It On The Mountain."

You need to get to the place where you accept whatever's offered you with grace, and kindness, and an acknowledgment that other people are probably doing the best they can.

You have to be willing to let this great big, loving world we live in penetrate your grown up shell, and lift your heart.

You have to remember what it was like to be almost thirteen at Christmas. Remember what it was like to straddle childhood and adulthood -- and allow yourself hold on to the best of both in your life, right now.

That's when you will receive the greatest Christmas gift possible. And, it will be truly Christmagical.

It will be, quite simply, a very merry Christmas.

Looking Forward

So, did you make your list of 25 things you accomplished in 2008? I heard from many of you who did, and several of you who intend to make a list. Which is lovely. Still others told me that they ran over their accomplishments in their heads. So, progress was made on many fronts. I'm a very happy coach.

This week, let's do something really cool. Let's look forward.

Let's pretend it's December, 2009.

What would you like your list of 25 Accomplishments for 2009 to look like?

Ah, my spidey-sense suggests that you're intrigued, and already thinking. Excellent.

Here are a couple of questions to aid your idea flow:

• What do you want more of in your life? That you already have? That you don't have?
• What do you complain about most? How can you address it or solve it so you free up your time and energy?
• What do you do when you lose track of time? Do you do it enough?
• When are you at your best?
• What's one positive change you know you can make?

Some ideas percolating in that noggin of yours? Hope so. Here's what you do -- take a piece of paper and write down all of your thoughts. Then ask yourself this whopper of a question:

• When I'm living my best life, what will I have? What will I be? What will I do?

Good one, huh? OK, from all of this cogitating, you should begin to see a pattern emerge. Now, I do love me a good to-do list. However, an endless to-do list can feel like a burden, so unless you are absolutely, 100% motivated to tick off a list: simplify, simplify, simplify.

You may see, based on your answers to the questions above, that your stuff breaks down in to categories. If you notice, for instance, that you have a lot of goals around losing weight, getting into shape, doing something about your hair, finally getting that operation... you may want to make a category called, "Personal Well-Being", and make a goal of "Taking care of my body and my health." See? How much easier to keep that top-of-mind rather than forty-five "to-dos".

Plenty of people I work with have a real strong tug toward being connected with other people. It's a biggie. So I often suggest this little exercise: "What would it FEEL like to be connected to people?" For any goal, when you let yourself experience what it will feel like in your body, it's so much easier to recognize it when it actually happens.

And, you have to work at it. You may be like the woman I spoke with this week -- longing for deep connection, yet work consumes her life. Here's her schedule: Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Sleep. Wake up. Start over (sounds suspiciously like a rut to yours truly).

To achieve her goal of having more connection in her life, she is going to have to make some changes. Something has got to give, and I'll be the one to say it -- it has to be her work. You can work smarter, not harder, as you may have heard. She will have to start making room for volunteer activities, friends, classes and, dare I say it? Fun. She's going to have to risk a little bit -- exchanging the comfort of the known rut for the uncertainty of possibility. If she can do it, she'll get the connection she wants. And still do great things at work. I absolutely guarantee it.

When you take the time to consciously consider what's really best for you -- what inspires you and strengthens you and fires you up -- then you can confidently create a plan to make sure you spend more time with those things, and less time with the things that keep you stuck in that nasty old rut.

And, when you do, just think: what a list of accomplishments you'll have this time next year!