Talkin' Bout My G-g-g-generation

Over the summer I got together with my old friend and White House colleague Gerry Koenig -- we had lost touch and happily re-connected via LinkedIn, the professional social networking site. Gerry, once an Army helicopter pilot, now practices aviation law, and keeps his mind agile by reading interesting books.

He told me about a fascinating book, called The Fourth Turning by the late William Strauss and Neil Howe.

When Gerry mentioned that the book, written in 1997, predicted the 9/11 terrorist attacks, I knew I had to read it. And I did. And, I am seeing the nation's current financial crisis through different eyes.

Strauss and Howe, historians, economists and experts on generational issues, looked back through American history and identified not only political cycles but generational cycles. Roughly each 80 years, in 20 year cycles, the country moves through a High period, which gives way to an Awakening, which turns into an Unraveling, and then into a Crisis.

Strauss and Howe identify four distinct generations that have repeated over time: Hero, Artist, Prophet, Nomad. According to their research, a Crisis features the Prophets (Baby-Boomers) entering elderhood; Nomads (my generation) entering midlife; Heros (the Millenials) entering young adulthood; and, those entering childhood -- the new Artist generation.

In other words, the conditions are exactly right exactly now for our country to enter Crisis.

Back in 1997, Strauss and Howe wrote: "Based on recent Unraveling-era trends, the following circa-2005 scenarios might seem plausible...Economic distress, with public debt in default, entitlement trust funds in bankruptcy, mounting poverty and unemployment, trade wars, collapsing financial markets, and hyperinflation (or deflation)." Sound familiar?

How about: "History offers even more sobering warnings: Armed confrontation usually occurs around the climax of Crisis. If there is confrontation, it is likely to lead to war. This could be any kind of war -- class war, sectional war, war against global anarchists or terrorists, or superpower war."

Check.

Before you start quoting lines from Ghostbusters ("a disaster of Biblical proportions! Real wrath of God stuff! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... MASS HYSTERIA!"), let me assure you, the nation has faced Crisis before --and will again -- and we've emerged into a new High. All is not lost.

In the Crisis, America will want change. We will want the stability of a strong government that works. We will favor personal sacrifice. We will want to be more self-sufficient. We will want solutions, not more of the same. We will demand that our leaders reflect these national values.

What does this mean for you? For your career? For your business? For your kids?

Start now. Especially my fellow Nomads. Move towards self-sufficiency -- don't borrow more than you can pay back. Grow your own tomatoes. Wash your own car. Incorporate a dose of self-sacrifice -- trust me, 23 pair of shoes in the closet work with your wardrobe just as successfully as 112. Save five to ten percent of your income. Donate to charities you believe in. Build a business that really serves your best customers. Focus. Teach your children (and yourself) about money, budgets and prudent investing.

"With or without war, American society will be transformed into something different. The emergent society may be something better, a nation that sustains its Framers' visions with a robust new pride. Or it may be something unspeakably worse. The Fourth Turning will be a time of glory or ruin."

And so it is for each of us. A time of glory or ruin. We've had advance notice of what's coming -- what we do about it as a nation, and as individuals, is completely up to us.

Doom & Gloom

Imagine for a moment that you work for Lehman Brothers. One day this week you find out the firm has declared bankruptcy and your job and your retirement fund -- poof! -- gone. Your daughter left last week for her third tour in Iraq. Your son started college two weeks ago, and now your nest is empty. Your wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Oh, and you live in Galveston.

Let's hope that doom and gloom scenario I just concocted didn't really happen to anyone. But if you pay attention to the news these days, it seems as if everyone is living that kind of life.

Last night I watched so-called experts shout at each other about our global economic situation. One said, "This is the end of the world as we know it." I thought: Really? You Wall Streeter in your groovy $800 eyeglasses, your bespoke $2000 suit, your trendy haircut delivered by a manicured ego-maniac who is known solely by a two-syllable, vaguely French first name. How exactly is your life going to change? Only going to make $2 million this year? Poor baby.

Another guy said, "This is a lot of ado about nothing. The fundamentals of the economy remain strong and this is merely a minor correction." Guess he doesn't live in Galveston. If he did, he might have a different perspective. He might just be freaking out.

So what's what? If you're freaking out about... oh, everything at the moment, how do you start to get a grip and find a way to cope? Are the pessmists right? Or the optimists? Where's the truth?

Voltaire suggested in his satirical novel Candide that "tending one's own garden" is the antidote to both unbridled optimism and destructive pessimism. So, can you step back in this moment of uncertainty and look at your own plot? Because that's where the truth of your own situation lies.

How's the health of your employer? Your industry? How's your retirement account? Do you have too large a percentage of your assets tied up in your company's stock? Need to shift anything?

How's your personal financial health? Are you making your mortgage payment every month? How are home values in your community? How's your spending? Are you paying your bills? How's your insurance set-up? Enough coverage?

Check the health of your own garden so you can compare the shouting match hysteria with your own reality. If your house is still standing and it still has value; if your employer is sound and your investments are spread out; if you are managing to pay your bills; if you and your loved ones are healthy -- you're going to be fine.

You can stop freaking out.

If, however, you've got stuff going on, tend your own garden, sweetheart, and tune out the hoopla. Work out a refinance on your home, if possible. Arrange payment with your creditors. Take a second job if you need to, while you get your business off the ground. Drive your spouse to chemo. Send a loving email to Iraq. Move in with your best friends while your house is re-built -- hey, it'll be an adventure no one will ever forget!

It seems to me that the only people benefitting from debating the "worst financial situation since the Depression", are the folks who want their Warholian fifteen minutes of fame. These people are not reporters or journalists, who are, by and large, a responsible and ethical crowd. The shouters, in my opinion, fan the flames of frenzy just so they can get more and more opportunities to be famous.

And we don't have to listen to them. All we have to do is tend our own gardens. And remember: this, too, shall pass.

Always You

I have a theory. It's that we are pretty much who we're going to be at an early age. That's not to say that life experiences don't change us, or that we can't undertake change on our own. Stuff happens, our perspectives shift and we change.

But if you're born left-handed, you're probably going to stay left-handed for life.

The Internet is an unparalleled way to reconnect. I got this in my Classmates.com in-box:

"I don't know if you remember me from elementary [school], but I'll never forget you. I remember nervously walking into the school for the first time after I moved there at the beginning of the 3rd grade. Mrs. W (who scared me to death!) was showing me where the classroom was located -- it was early and hardly any kids had arrived yet. You walked up to me from the other end of the hall and struck up a conversation, and made me feel like I wasn't an outsider. I don't know if I ever thanked you, but I always appreciated that. You made my transition to a new school much easier."

I have to tell you, this email rocked me. Families tell stories of our youth, but they usually involve -- in my case -- where I made a complete and total fool of myself by saying or doing something incredibly dopey.

To hear a tale of my past, from an outside, objective observer is like watching a documentary of my life. No spin, no role-playing -- just a glimpse of who I was in third grade. Priceless.

And know what? I don't remember the woman who wrote me (I do remember the evil and wicked Mrs. W, our teacher. Still get the shivers mentioning her name). But a year or so after the incident my correspondent described, my family moved two thousand miles away and I haven't been back to that little town since. So in writing me she had no relationship to mend, heal or promote -- she just had an open, grateful heart and a place to share. What a gift to me.

I've been spending a lot of time recently working with clients -- and myself -- on discovering strengths. I ask questions like: What do you do best? What do you really like? How can you play to your strengths? Because when you play to your strengths, whatever you do feels...easy. Not at all like work. Even, dare I say, fun?

Can you imagine what life would be like if you played to the inherent strengths you've had your whole life? Since you were in, oh, third grade? How effortless would that be?

So, what parts of your childhood personality remain? Who were you then -- and who are you now? Understanding who you were -- to others, to yourself -- can illuminate and inspire your life today. Turn the light on, and uncover your own, innate, wonderful strengths. Then put those natural strengths to use, and craft a meaningful, purpose-filled... easy life.

Neither Seen Nor Heard

After plenty of hard work, Jennifer has been promoted to Vice President of Sales. Now, rather than meeting with clients and delivering results for them, she manages a staff of salespeople.

"The problem is," she tells me, "whenever I have a meeting with my team it's as if I don't even exist. No one listens, people talk over one another and we're starting to miss our projected sales numbers. What's happening? I've always gotten along with these people really well, but it's as if they hate me since I got promoted. What's wrong with me?"

Getting promoted from within can be the best of times, and it can also be the worst of times. It's the best when you know the organization and all the rules -- written and unwritten -- and can use this knowledge to succeed. It's the worst when your former co-workers turn into surly, passed-over subordinates -- and use all their time and attention conspiring to knock you down a peg.

To shift her situation, Jennifer needs to take a hard look at her own leadership style. There are three places for her to focus:

1. Attitude. I've written about the managerial differences between men and women -- to recap, women are prone to "mend and tend" while men are more apt to "fight or flight". Jennifer needs to take a hard look at how she behaves in meetings. Is she so overly collaborative (tending) that she fails to be authoritative? Does she run meetings like an executive, or defer to others in hopes of maintaining a good relationship (mending)? Authentic leadership is a balance of collaboration and authority -- and Jennifer may be a little too heavy on the collaborative side of the scale. To tip the balance more toward center, she can take small steps toward being more decisive, such as setting the time and date for meetings, writing the agenda, and running meetings herself.

2. Verbal cues. Let me tell you this: If the boss doesn't hold onto her own power, you can be sure that someone else (who is certain she should have been promoted to Jennifer's spot) will grab it. Women in particular often use tentative language. Some women end every sentence with a literal or figurative question mark -- which tells the listener that she's not quite sure if she knows what she's talking about. Jennifer can use a small tape recorder or enlist a mentor to figure out her verbal style. Listening to how she frames issues, sets goals and objectives, and deals with squabbling among her staff can be illuminating and empowering. Jennifer can use this information to choose different words -- words that transmit that she's knowledgeable, skilled and at the helm.

3. Body language. Similarly, Jennifer needs to understand her own body language. Is she hunching her shoulders and transmitting submission? Or clasping her hands under the table, which can indicate either that she is a dutiful little girl or has something to hide (and can't be trusted). Leaders sit with attention, hands visible -- and they take up space. Jennifer may need to do a little learning about body language so she can assume the command she's been assigned.

One of the big stumbling blocks for women leaders is giving up the pernicious need to please. They wonder, "If I'm a straightforward leader, and claim my authority, will people still like me?" To be honest, some women worry about this whether they're a Vice President of Sales, or organizing a neighborhood coffee klatsch.

The bottom line is this: how long are you going to please others at the expense of your own authentic self? Jennifer earned her promotion. She feels a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment in her work. And she might be letting her need for the approval of others to hold her back from being her best possible self and completely owning her power.

When it comes down to it, women leaders -- whether they're leading a company or a group of teen volunteers or just leading themselves through their own personal growth -- need to put their best possible self front and center. They need to own their power, however it comes to them, and exercise it authentically. When they do, they operate from a sense of inner peace, honesty and integrity. And the support and respect of others follows along quite naturally.

[Just a note to my guy readers: switch out all the girly references with dude stuff and you'll find it's equally true. Being an authentic person who exercises appropriate authority when it's called for -- that's how you lead effectively.]

Managing At Home

There was a lovely Associated Press story this week about using business skills to make home life more efficient. The story was particularly lovely because I was quoted in it!

So let's expand on the idea in the article -- how can you use what works at your workplace to make your home life better?

For Single People: Planning is extremely important for a single person. Consider making your own Personal Strategic Plan, just as your business might. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? What would success look like? Enlist a friend, family member or coach to help you through the process. And, while you're in planning mode, make sure you have your legal documents -- such as a will and a power of attorney -- in place. If the idea makes you feel icky, consider it your "succession plan." One more plan? Every business has an inventory. So, inventory your household possessions, and send a copy to whomever you designate as your executor in your will. And, if you ever have to file an insurance claim for your stuff, you'll have everything documented.

For Couples: Plan a weekend "leadership retreat" to have a meaningful goal-setting conversation (and if you sneak in some golf or spa time, that'll make it just like your company retreat). Use a format like the Personal Strategic Plan I mentioned above, but take into account what both of you want. The key to this kind of work is to put everything out on the table -- nothing is undiscussable, and all the ground rules around effective communication are enforced. That means you listen with openness, respect and kindness, rather than with barbed jabs, condescension and temper tantrums. Remember that mandatory training class you attended on "Difficult Conversations"? Well, use those skills here. Continue the discussion at home with monthly planning meetings -- you can boost the fun factor by making it a "date" at your favorite restaurant. Now, that's what I call "team building".

For Families With Little Kids: Think of little kids as interns or your new employees. As their manager and mentor, it's important to play to their strengths, so they can feel successful. When you give them tasks, make sure you're setting them up to do well. That means they stir the batter rather than take something out of the oven. That means they tidy rather than thoroughly clean. Little kids really have no sense of time, or of the value of money. So, rather than saying, "We're leaving in ten minutes" which has very little relevance to a three year old, say, "We're leaving after Mommy gets the diaper bag organized and your sister uses the potty." You can teach them about money if you let them select a birthday present for a pal and give them a dollar limit to stay under. Sure, it's easier to do it yourself -- but what does your kid learn from that? Let's call this "delegating" and "independent decision making".

For Families With Older Kids: Treat your teens or young adults as your senior staff. Provide them with the information they need to make good decisions on the family's behalf -- give them access to a family calendar, either using online tools, or, if they live at home, a large whiteboard. Pull back the veil and give them an understanding of the family income, expenses and financial goals. Do a performance review with your kids. Ask them what's working in their lives, and what's not working. Ever heard of Covey's Seven Habits? One of my favorites is, "Seek first to understand, then be understood." So listen to what your kids have to say. Too many times we parents reverse the order like an autocratic boss and risk undermining our kids' ability to be their own best advocate. Find a way to ask this kind of question: "How do you plan to handle your homework this year?" rather than telling them how it's going to be. With each of these steps, you'll be teaching them a ton, and giving them the confidence of your trust.

See, all those mandatory training meetings you've attended really pay off! Maybe not the way your boss or HR expected, but there you are.

Making your home life work well requires every tool on your belt. The good news is that you've already got plenty of tools and you know exactly what they can do. Now, go home and get to work.

Olympic Coaching

I was asked a question last week for my career advice column at the hot BettyConfidential.com. I love being an advice columnist -- some of the questions make my jaw drop (I'm a career columnist, not Dr. Ruth -- or Dr. Ruth's twisted evil twin sister). Most questions, gratefully, are from people just like you and me who are stuck and need to figure a way out.

The writer asked, "What do coaches, such as you, actually do?"

A great question. Which I answered by saying this: "A good coach will help you understand yourself and your objective. She will help you identify and overcome any self-imposed boundaries that hold you back. She will help you find strategies and workable timelines to do what it is you want to do. But... the coach will not do the work for you."

It's funny how often clients start out with the idea that if they've hired a coach, then SHE'LL do all the work. "From the get-go, I expected Woodward to tell me what to do and how to change. But she didn’t." wrote Julie A. Evans in her May 2008 Better Homes & Gardens article called Saving Time For The Soul .

Think of it this way. At some point, Michael Phelps had to learn how to do a flip turn. Ever tried to do one? Kinda scary at first. It's all about timing. Start your turn too early and there won't be a wall to push off against. Start too late and your bottom hits the wall, and your legs are all outside the pool, you're skinned up, bleeding, got a wedgie and you feel like a jerk. Yes, that was a personal antecdote...

A coach works with a swimmer to figure out his or her rhythm, and how to time the precise moment a flip turn should start. And, let me point out, this rhythm is completely unique to each swimmer. Someone 5'6" naturally takes more strokes to cross the pool that would a 6'5" swimmer. A good coach takes these differences into account and helps the swimmer find his or her absolute best connection with the wall and maximum compression away from the wall. The coach gives constant feedback or correction to the swimmer based on the coach's expertise and insight. That way, the swimmer continues to improve and grow as an athlete.

So it is with the kind of coaching I do. I work with my clients to get them absolutely clear about who they are and what skills they bring to their objective. We develop a plan full of tasks and goals, designed to bring the objective closer and closer. We brainstorm, we experiment, we look at underlying beliefs that may have become roadblocks -- and get those out of the way.

But just like Michael Phelps has to execute each of his own flip turns, so does each client have to execute his or her own plan. As I said to Julie Evans in Better Homes & Gardens, "we’re more likely to carry out solutions when they’re our own, rather than directives foisted upon us by someone who thinks she knows better."

I've found that people who want a coach to do all the work are often people who have had issues around authority. These are the people I feel so protective of -- because I know that when they can learn to be self-reliant, self-directed, self-authored, their lives will change mightily.

Coaching is the best job I've ever had. I love watching my clients get promoted, learn new skills, find that great job, work out a problem, figure themselves out. Those are the moments when my clients stand on a figurative medals podium, laurel leaves on their heads, and medals around their necks, a happy future ahead of them.

And like Michael Phelps' coach, Bob Bowman, it's enough for me to stand on the pool deck, watching, and bursting with pride. Because you did it. And I knew you could, all along.

Dog Days

They call them the Dog Days of Summer. As if all we can do is let our tongues loll out of our drooling mouths, and pant in the heat.

Which is exactly what I feel like doing.

Sure, there's plenty going on. The Olympics. The Presidential campaign. Wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and, now, Russia vs. Georgia. The rising and falling price of energy. Credit card reform. Mortgage bailouts. Vice Presidential candidates and political conventions. A lot of hoopla, come to think of it.

And I don't want to think about it. All I want to do is lay around, tongue lolling, and let August roll over me like a sauna bath. I want to emerge, sweaty and a few pounds lighter, just in time for September.

I want to eat popsicles, and let them drip from my fingers, leaving sticky, colorful trails down my arms.

I want to do a cannonball off the high dive.

I want to go to the movies and make it a double feature, just so I can sit in the air-conditioning.

I want to clothespin cards to my bike spokes and click-clack down the street.

I want Coppertone as my signature scent.

I want to shuck off all the trappings of this adult life and spend the next couple of weeks utterly retro.

So, even if -- like me -- you'll be working rather than loafing, you can take a little time to get some summer in your life.

All it takes is one popsicle.

CrazyBusy

A few weeks ago I was driving home from a family reunion at the beach and happened to catch a radio interview with Dr. Edward Hallowell. His new book is called CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked and About to Snap! Given that so many of my clients report feeling the same feeling of being overwhelmed, I turned up the volume and set the cruise control.

Dr. Hallowell, a well known ADD expert, suggests society is imposing what is, in effect, a "cultural ADD" – with the pace of information coming so rapidly many of us report the same symptoms which vex people with ADD. We rush around, we’re impatient, we have a need for speed, we get frustrated, we’re distracted, we can’t pay attention for more than a second, we procrastinate, we can’t remember stuff, and “in general feel busy beyond belief but not at all that productive.” Sound familiar?

What are the consequences of such cultural ADD? Dr. Hallowell writes, “The greatest damage from being too busy is that it prevents people from setting their own temperature, controlling their own lives. It does other harm as well, like increasing toxic stress, making people sick, causing accidents and errors, turning otherwise polite people rude, and reducing the general level of happiness in the population. But the greatest damage it does is that it keeps a person from what’s important.”

Group think can be deadly when it comes to busyness. I remember this phenomenon from college. A group of us would stand around before a test and one would say, “I studied three hours for this exam.” Another would reply, “Three hours?? I studied six.” “Six,” sniffed one. “I was up all night.” The winner was the guy who merely said, “I haven’t slept since last Wednesday.” This ritual one- upsmanship created a sense of panic in those who had actually slept – “Have I done enough? Am I prepared? Should I have stayed up all week, too?” And, the guy who got the best grade was the guy who said he didn’t study at all!

In the workplace, time one-upsmanship is rampant. I know a man who used to leave his office lights on, his suitcoat over his desk chair and his car parked in the lot -- he'd take a cab home -- to make it look as if he worked around the clock. Upshot? Everyone assumed he was the busiest guy in the place, and tried to meet his rigorous pace. The irony? He'd leave early and come in late, always in shirtsleeves and complaining of his workload, while his co-workers worked longer hours... just to "keep up."

Then I read a fascinating column in the Washington Post, penned by Jay Mathews, suggesting that overstressed, overbooked folks Dr. Hallowell focuses on are the 5% of Americans in the top income brackets. These overachievers push their children to be just as driven and ambitious as they are. The parents are so busy they can't think, so their kids are likewise too busy to think. The measure of success? How busy they are. How busy their kid is. How many AP classes their child takes. Admission to an Ivy League college.

Curious, because a study of college graduates shows that where you go to college has little impact on your earning potential. Rather, the authors say, “Students who attended more selective colleges do not earn more than other students who were accepted and rejected by comparable schools but attended less selective colleges." In otherwords, a successful kid often becomes a successful adult, regardless of where he goes to school. All that parental pressure and busyness to spruce up an Ivy League application -- for something which may satisfy the ego but ultimately has no discernable impact on a kid's income or happiness.

Here’s my takeaway: those of us who feel overstretched and overbooked are likely the same people who were overstretched and overbooked as high schoolers. Overachievers associate with overachievers, creating an environment where boundaries and limits are pushed, ignored or eliminated. Our neighbors push their kids, we push our kids. We run flat out – and run our co-workers flat out – because everyone else is running flat out. Or at least they say they are. For all we know, they could be sandbagging just like the "hardest working guy in the office."

So, what’s the antidote? How can you get a handle on your overbooked, overstressed life? First, set your priorities. To do this, make a log of how you actually spend your time for one week. Then look it over. How are you actually spending your time? As Dr. Phil might ask, “Is that working for you?” How does that reflect your priorities? When are you happiest?

Second, take a look at the people you're associating with. Are they helping you be your best self, or are they pushing you toward stressful, keepin'-up-with- the-Joneses competition? Do people in your circle accept you for who you are, even if you're different from them? If everyone in your office stays until 9pm, can you leave at six and still be a part of the team? If not, why not? Can you step back from the situation and note any one-upsmanship games?

Believe me here. When you align your actions with your priorities, and surround yourself with supportive people, you will immediately feel happier, less stressed and calmer. How do you get there? It may mean you have to plug your ears and not get sucked into the overachieving whirl of your neighbors and friends. You may have to let some people and activities which don't support your priorities go. Yep, you may also have to start saying no to some things, just so you can say yes to what's really important.

(This post first appeared as a column in my September 2006 newsletter.)

I Am Not Superwoman

There appear to be many women who hope to convince themselves and the rest of us that they are perfect. Hair -- perfectly coiffed, colored and curled. Body -- athletic and toned. Wardrobe -- trendy, sexy and stylish. Children -- well-behaved high achievers. Husband -- handsome, wealthy, attentive.

They think they need to be Superwoman. They want everything to be perfect.

But, honey, I know what's going on inside.

In the push to be perfect, they feel anything but. Life is a series of experiences where they are not enough, and can't possibly do enough. They look at the women around them and feel inferior, and hide that they're totally struggling to keep up. They grit their teeth and smile through the stress of Superwoman expectations.

Because I'm a life coach, people often expect me to live that perfect life. Yesterday I was in a shop that sells my book Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living and the store manager said, looking down her aquiline nose at me, "Do you live what you write?" I smiled sweetly and said, "Absolutely."

And I do. But let me share a little something that may just make tomorrow a little easier for all you would-be Superwomen:

I am not Superwoman. Not even close.

Sometimes my only wardrobe concern is: Am I clean?

My house generally, at all times, needs vacuuming.

I have been known to feed my children take-out.

I often forget to return phone calls and am terrible at remembering birthdays.

I can overbook my calendar.

I am divorced.

No, I'm not Superwoman. And I'm really, really glad for that. Because what I am is 100% Michele. I have four priorities and if I can handle those every day, I am doing a pretty good job. Want to know what they are? Be present with my kids and everyone else I meet. Care for my physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health. Learn. Lead.

That's it. That's all. Hair, nails, make-up, shoes? If I get to it, I get to it.

Yep, I am Imperfecta Girl, and I absolutely 100% love my perfectly imperfect life.

If you're struggling to get it right, to be perfect, to have it all, let me ask you: Can you get to the place where you give up attempting to be a mythical Superwoman, and find the place where you're a true Imperfecta Girl -- authentically yourself, happy with exactly what you have, comfortable in your own skin, serving your own priorities? Go on, give it a try. All you have to lose is stress. All you have to gain is your true self. And it will be absolutely OK with me if you don't do it perfectly.

Learner's Permit

Remember when all you could think about was getting your driver's license? Putting your hands on that steering wheel and going for a drive? Looking so cool, even if you were driving your mom's 1971 Grand Safari station wagon with a sucky AM radio. Man, wheels meant freedom. Driving meant adulthood. Nothing could stop you -- you could drive.

I have a learning driver in my household these days and the nutty thing is that I'm learning a great deal about driving just from teaching him the basics.

Of course, teaching means I have to revisit the basics myself, after having driven a car for -- oh, long enough to have driven a car known to explode in rear collisions... a Ford Pinto.

Yep, teaching my son to drive has put me smack dab in what our Buddhist friends call "Beginner's Mind." Beginners know nothing because they've never had the experience before; therefore, they have no expectations and can see so many more possibilities -- possibilities that may elude people who let their experience guide them. Beginners have wonderfully open minds.

So, where are you coasting on your experience in your life, far away from Beginner's Mind? Are you seeing all the possibilities available, or are you so limited by familiar experience that the chance of something new, something exciting, something joyful seems impossible?

We often call this "being in a rut". Sometimes we call it "burn out". Often, we call it "Monday morning".

To hop on out of that rut, get yourself back to Beginner's Mind. How to do it?

Read the instructions. Especially if you are putting together your umpteenth business plan, or resume, or tuna noodle casserole. You know, those things you do on auto-pilot. You may discover that you have omitted an important part of your plan, or that you're neglecting to emphasize something important in your resume. Or that tuna noodle casserole has gone the way of the 1971 Grand Safari wagon.

Pretend you're teaching someone. How would you teach this task to someone else? Lay out the steps. Think it through. Ask yourself, "Is there another way?" or "What would someone need to know here?" When you open your mind this way, you may see something new (and exciting) in the same old, same old.

Brainstorm possibilities with someone 20 years younger than you. When we have expertise in an area, we often adopt the pose of "wise elder" and merely impart our wisdom to younger people, godlike, from our cubicle-sized Mt. Olympus. When true Beginner's mind requires that we seek wisdom from those we might otherwise teach. So ask that junior person what they think -- or how they'd solve the problem. You might just find a big, old, honking Aha! moment, and a really fun new way to do something routine.

Because at its core Beginner's Mind is really fun. I love seeing the world (and the road) through my son's eyes. As he assesses what the dotted and solid lines on the pavement mean, I reassess what they mean, too. As he discusses merging, I am focusing on merging. Perhaps white-knuckled and over-focused on merging as he's ohsoclosetothatcarontheright.

But it's OK. Because I see the possibilities. And that brings me incredible joy.

Finding A Job 2.0

You need a job. $4 Gas has come and gone in the rearview mirror. And milk is more expensive than gas! You really need a job. Like yesterday.

Helpful people are telling you that no one's hiring, times are tough, you might as well give up, yadda yadda yadda.

Depressing. Especially if you want a job in, oh, energy, banking, the car industry...

But let me fill you in on a little secret: jobs are open in other sectors and people are getting hired.

So, how do you find those open positions and get yourself in the interview pool? Use the tools I call "Finding A Job 2.0". Ready?

Think big. Big picture, that is. Take a really big picture look at your skills -- it doesn't matter what the industry is, if you know how to manage people, you know how to manage people. Ditto for handling budgets, problem solving, strategic planning, program management and tons of other areas. Focus on your most transferable skills, and make these the backbone of your search.

Know what you want to do. I know, you need a job. Any job. But when you succinctly define what it is you can do, it makes it so much easier for other people to understand and help you. Develop your own "elevator speech" -- two to three sentences that capture the essence of what you want. For instance, "I'm looking for an executive director or VP position at a non-profit working on green issues. I've worked in this field for fifteen years and really know the issues, and like managing people." I understand that completely, and can refer you to two or three people who can help you.

Network with people you know. Over 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral. That means your Christmas card list, cell phone directory, email contacts, alumni directory and community phone book are your most important tools. Go through these personal lists and identify people who are already in the field where you want to work. Contact them, give them your elevator speech and ask if they know of any openings. Even if they don't have an immediate lightbulb moment, you've planted a seed in their minds -- they'll remember you the next time they hear about something that would be perfect for you.

Network with people you don't know. If a friend says, "You should really meet my friend Tom", then go see Tom. Worst case scenario? You'll meet a new friend. Best case? Tom will know of a job for you. You can also use LinkedIn, Facebook, alumni discussion boards. Consider these opportunities to expand the reach of your resume and bio. Word to the wise? You can spend more time "updating" your social marketing pages than you do working on your job search. Use your time wisely.

Morph your resume. Gone are the days when you had one resume that a printer typeset for you on ivory laid paper. Many resumes are scanned into a humungous database, so make certain the words you use are keywords recruiters will use to fill a position like the one you seek. If you're responding to a particular job opening, tailor your resume to that job. Use the same keywords they use in the job posting. Stress that you have the skills they seek. And feel free to alter your resume for the next opening you pursue.

Write thank you notes. Sure, it's a holdover tactic from Finding A Job 1.0, but, hey, don't fix what ain't broke! The number of people who write thank you notes by hand is dwindling, so you will stand out when you're one of the few who use this tactic. Plus, gratitude is a happy place to be. Expressing your gratitude will increase your overall happiness and keep you positive for your next job interview.

Searching for a job in uncertain economic times is... uncertain. But by employing 2.0 tactics, you can make your job search efficient, effective and maybe, just maybe, quick.

The Sociopath Next Door

For those who wonder how I spend my free time, let me tell you: I've been re-reading The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, PhD.

Sociopaths are the stock players of popular fiction. They're the monsters that heroines played by women like Jodie Foster or Ashley Judd have to face down with steely determination, grit and an extremely large weapon. And nice shoes.

In real life, the deal with sociopaths is this: they have no sense of obligation to anyone, and act without the restraints of conscience. They are solo operators at heart -- lone wolves -- and only use connection with others as a tool to get what they want. And what they want is the thrill of power, manipulation and domination.

Often charming and glib, sociopaths know how to play whatever role they need to play to get what they want. Many can cry crocodile tears on cue, but it's all superficial, an act. There's just no there there. No depth of character. Everything they do is calculated to deliver the goods, and just like our pal Niccolo Machiavelli -- the ends utterly justify the means. If someone gets hurt in the process, too bad. The sociopath has no conscience, so carries no guilt or remorse for his actions.

The DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals, terms sociopathy "Anti-Social Personality Disorder" and says it's present when a person has at least three of seven characteristics: 1) failure to conform to social norms; 2) deceitfulness, manipulativeness; 3) impulsivity, failure to plan ahead; 4) irritability, aggressiveness; 5) reckless disregard for the safety of self or others; 6) consistent irresponsibility; and, 7) lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen something from another person.

We picture oversized characters like Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer or Hannibal Lecter when we think about sociopaths, but some sociopaths are actually quite passive. For instance, a man with Anti-Social Personality Disorder might feel he has no obligation to work, so he finds a parade of willing, susceptible people who support him. These sociopaths never do anything, never pay their bills, and never feel guilt for having sponged off someone who loved them.

The key indicator of sociopathy, according to Dr. Stout, is the pity play. This is where the sociopath gets us to feel sorry for him -- it's the guy who beats his wife, then tearfully holds his head in his hands while the bleeding wife comforts him. As Dr. Stout says, "...when these sentiments are wrested out of us by the undeserving, by people whose behavior is consistently antisocial, this is a sure sign that something is wrong."

The sociopath can be the bully at work. Or the guy who sponges off his wife. Or the neighborhood Mrs. Kravitz, who stirs up trouble. The common element? They have no real remorse over their hurtful actions. None. Zippo.

Dr. Stout spends much of her last chapter talking about the nexus between spirituality, community and conscience. Cultures whose spiritual traditions stress the interrelatedness between people and animals and the environment -- the connection between all things -- have less incidence of sociopathy. Cultures which stress individualism and foster isolation tend to have more sociopaths.

Dr. Stout and other researchers estimate that 4% of our population are sociopaths. Friends, that's more than have anorexia or colon cancer. So, it's likely that the most vexing people in your life, as in mine, might just lack a conscience.

If you are facing a situation with another person that where you feel manipulated, controlled, used -- in your marriage, your divorce, your neighborhood, your work, your larger family -- you may want to consider whether the person in question is really among the 96% of people with conscience... or one of the 4% without. And if he's a sociopath, my friend, let distance grow in that relationship. Quickly.

The Simplest Solution

Ever heard of Occam's Razor? William of Ockham was a 14th century monk who labored in Latin on matters of logic. His key observation, translated and traveled through the centuries, is called "Occam's Razor" (obviously spelling mutated over time):

"All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best."

What's this mean for your life?

When you have a problem with someone else: what's the simplest solution? Would it be... telling Karen, who talks to Alex, who mentions something to Tom, who plays golf with the husband of the person you have a problem with? Will that approach solve your problem, or potentially make it worse? Using Occam's Razor to cut away the extraneous steps, we find the simplest solution -- talking with the person directly to handle the problem.

How do you know when you're not using the simplest solution? When you find yourself saying, "I can't", as in "I can't find a new job at my age because I'd have to go back to school, and pass that exam, get certified, and probably move to some new city, which would be really hard on John and the kids." Rather complicated scenario, huh? It's a solution which -- surprise, surprise -- successfully keeps you from doing anything at all. Can we discover the simplest solution? Could it be to find a great job that provides training right in your own home town?

Sometimes it seems we love having the problem so very much that we envision only completely unworkable, complicated solutions -- just so we can hang on to the problem we say we hate (but actually love). It's like: "I need a job but don't want a job but want to revel in what a screw-up I am 'cuz I'm not getting a job." How can we love and hate a problem at the same time? It's called story fondling, and it reinforces negative stuff and keeps us totally and completely stuck in the past.

Identifying the simplest solution is a way to cut through all the debris in your life and find a really good, clean place to be. The simplest solution is always authentic. The simplest solution is easy. The simplest solution is the way to go.

So, when you find yourself tied up in knots trying to find a complicated solution to whatever you face, think of good old William of Ockham and ask yourself: "All other things being equal, what's the simplest solution?"

Random Thoughts

Just some random musings on a summer afternoon:

The waiting may be the hardest part, but sometimes it's the best part.

Want to be happy? Say yes more than you say no, and mean it.

It is unfair that some people are allergic to watermelon.

The best job for you? The one that doesn't feel like work.

Different is not wrong.

When you're giving more love than you're taking out, and it feels effortless and inspiring -- you've found your life's purpose.

Ice cream sandwiches may just be the perfect thing to eat at 3pm on a July afternoon.

How to make a million bucks? Reading glasses that work in the shower.

If you need to talk with your teenager, take a long road trip with him or her. Let 'em drive. That way, they can't wear their IPod.

The majority of people in the world have no access to air conditioning.

The most electable candidate for vice president -- for either party -- is General Colin Powell. Second best choice for McCain? Condoleezza Rice. Wouldn't Dr. King be amazed?

Want to have more love in your life? Be the person you'd fall in love with.

Bring an open mind and open hands to all that you do.

If you don't know, ask. If you do know, let someone ask before you say anything. Which is a darned good cue for me to wrap it up.

Happy summer.

The Songs of Summer

There's something about a song that becomes a hit in summer. Hear it again on the coldest day in January and you are immediately transported back to the top-down, sunglasses on, sun on your skin, scent of Coppertone kind of summer living. Ahhhh.

You know the drill. Summertime, and the living's easy. Yes, In The Summertime (when the weather is high), you might be Sittin' On The Dock Of the Bay, you Girl Watcher, you, hoping to just Drift Away. You've got Good, Good, Good, Good Vibrations because you've just seen the cutest Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini! Hey, that means V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N, in the summertime!

School's Out for summer. Kids say, "See You In September!" (or will I lose you to a summer love?). Hang On, Sloopy. I'm going to Build You Up, Buttercup. My Hips Don't Lie -- I promise it'll be a great summer. You'll be Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon. Or Cruisin' -- remember: if you want it, you got it, forever.

Yeah, we'll go cruising. Just Me And You And A Dog Named Boo, in your Little Deuce Coupe. I'm thinking Myrtle Beach Days, having fun in the waves. Hey, Hey, Baby, you'll be wearing your Swingin' Medallions, on the cutting edge of fashion like always.

Just a tick, I've got an idea. Let's go surfing now, everybody's learning how -- we'll be Surfin' USA. Oh, no! The Tide Is High! Help Me Rhonda -- it's a Wipeout! Hey Ya, let's try something else fun -- all the Summer Girls go to Kokomo to learn the Macarena. Want to join me?

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah, there's going to be a Stoned Soul Picnic this summer. Uncle George will be Grazin' In The Grass, you'll be Drinking Wine, Spo-Dee-Oh-Dee, Aunt June will be Walkin' On Sunshine. What a Sweet Escape.

Can't get away? And it's Summer In the City, back of your neck feeling dirty and gritty. It's like a Heat Wave, burning in your heart. "My," you say to yourself, "It's Hot In Here. I best be Gettin' Jiggy Wit It." So get yourself Up On The Roof. From high above the city, you can see it's really a Funkytown. And, oh, ho, ho, ho those Summer Nights!

You, in your plain white tee, see a friend and shout "Hey There, Delilah!" -- but she's no Hollaback Girl. She's feeling the Summer Breeze as she says, "I Don't Want No Scrubs! What you trying to do -- Steal My Sunshine?" No, our Delilah's Dancing in the Street. The way she dances Mambo No. 5, she might as well be Walking On The Sun.

So, girl, Put Your Records On, play me your favorite song. Go ahead. Let your hair down. It's time for some Hot Fun In The Summertime.

And next January, you'll hear one of these songs -- and it'll be just like having a Pocketful Of Sunshine.

Easy Sledding

Imagine your brain as if it's a sledding hill. When you arrive, it's a pristine, untouched landscape of clean, white snow. Take your first trip down the hill and you leave an imprint of the path your sled has traveled. As the day progresses you see multiple tracks in the snow -- but one or two seem to be more frequently used than others.

This is exactly how you learn. This is how habits -- good and bad -- are formed. This is how thoughts and ideas are entrenched in your mind. Paths are formed in your brain -- use that path over and over and you reinforce behaviors, habits and thoughts.

The snowy hill metaphor comes from Dr. Alvaro Pascual-Leone, associate professor in neurology at Harvard Medical School. Pascual-Leone's ground-breaking work is profiled in The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. And, Doidge shows, the cool thing about your brain is that when a path is blocked in some way -- by injury or illness -- the brain can re-wire itself to take an adjacent path to get where it needs to go.

Experiments have shown just how amazing and malleable our brains are. Consider the puzzle of "phantom limbs" -- extremities amputated but still registering as "present" in the brain. It's as if the communication between the limb and the brain still exists. Why? Because the neural pathways continue to exist! Doidge details an experiment using a mirror box that fools the brain into "seeing" a whole limb in the place of a missing limb. Once the brain registers "oh, there's that hand!", the phantom limb -- with its phantom pain, itch, gestures -- disappears. The brain has taken another path.

Using this new understanding, cutting-edge methods have been developed to help stroke victims learn to re-wire their brain by forging new neural pathways, bypassing damaged areas to regain movement and use of affected parts of their bodies.

Children with attention deficit disorders or learning disabilities are forging new ways of using their brains to overcome their hurdles. Using specific drills and techniques, attention improves and learning increases. Even with autistic children.

All this research confirms what so many of us have been talking about -- that you can change your thoughts and change your life.

Take a look at your most hard-wired thoughts. A person who defaults to telling "un-truths" might be operating with an operating thought like: "She'll get mad when I tell her the truth". Chronic lying reinforces a certain neural pathway -- a pretty stressful one, to boot. What if the lie is found out? If the underlying thought changes to: "She may get mad when I tell the truth, but I can deal with mad", the established pathway is bypassed in favor of a new one -- one that is more positive and less stressful.

If your underlying thought is: "I'm not good enough", you might find yourself depressed, hesitant, lonely, unfulfilled and sad. Changing your thought to "I'm good enough", by examining the roots of the negative thought creates a new neural pathway, and a happier life.

Now, perhaps this sounds too much like Stuart Smalley and his twee affirmations: "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!" OK. Got it. But research has shown that creating new thoughts around what you'd like to be or visualizations around how you'd like to act create new ways for the brain to function. So, there's something there we need to take seriously.

And it's this: you are not your thoughts. If your thoughts are not working for you -- creating a positive, abundant attitude -- you can change them. You can overcome your self-imposed limits by working on shifting that which you think you know about yourself and the world. You can re-wire your brain.

All you have to do is point your sled toward another path. And enjoy the ride, baby.

Caps & Gowns

It's the time of year. Caps and gowns on parade. Young men and women on the threshold of the rest of their lives. Awesome. Inspiring. Scary as hell.

I was recently asked to contribute to an article called something like, "Best Advice for Graduates That You Never Received." Started me thinking. And since I am now writing an advice column, I'm all smug about my advice-giving abilities.

So here's my six best pieces of advice to graduates:

1. Have integrity in all that you do. Integrity means that you operate from a place of honor. You say what you mean, and mean what you say. You're reliable. You're consistent. You can be counted on. Coming from a place of integrity creates a sterling reputation. And a sterling reputation delivers a sterling career, and a happy life.

2. Take the time to connect with others. Get to know the people you work with, the people who live next door, the people at the local homeless shelter. Because by connecting with others, you'll deepen your connection with yourself. You'll know yourself more intimately, and allow others to know you fully, too. And you'll be richer for the experience.

3. Live a life full of risks. Maybe that means something as big as BASE jumping to you (please wear a helmet and pay your insurance premiums, dear) but small risks -- like speaking up, or saying no -- can be even more powerful (and don't usually require helmets). Do something that feels like a risk to you every single day, and you will never feel stuck in a too small life.

4. Have passion -- for your work, for your loves, for your life. When there's at least one thing you are absolutely on fire about, the focused joy that results will draw fabulous people and experiences to you. Just a word of caution: don't confuse passion with drama. If it feels even slightly icky or squidgy, it's probably drama. Passion always brings something positive to the world, while drama generally dwells in the negative. Live with passion and you live in a positive place.

5. Define your own idea of success. I have known people who have gone to all the right schools and got the right jobs... and are miserable. Why? Because they were marching to the beat of somebody else's drummer. Money is just a tool that allows you to do what you want to do. Status is a function of ego and ultimately means nothing. [See Integrity above] What means something is who you are and what you bring. Decide on that, and do it. Tap out your own beat.

6. Get out of your own way. Allow great things to happen for you. Because when you're living with integrity, passion, connection and risks, you have created an environment where your best self can come out to play. When that happens, your life will unfold in amazing and inspiring ways. Let it. Be open and accepting and aware of the great stuff -- and more will pour into your life.

Someone said to me this week, "Your twenties are all about figuring stuff out." To which I said, "Honey, LIFE is about figuring stuff out." Life's not like a research project where you line up all your sources, exhaust all lines of inquiry and write up a whopping conclusion where everything is laid out all reasoned and deduced. No, in my experience, it's precisely those times when you think you have it all figured out that -- wham! -- everything changes.

So my final piece of advice is this: be constantly curious, and continue to find and shape who you are and what you stand for. Take it all in, and savor it. Continue to grow. Live a full and dynamic, changing life.

Why? Because it's a really, really fabulous way to live. That's why.

People of the Book

Looking for some magical summer reading? Let me recommend a book I've just finished: People of the Book by Pulitzer Prize winning author Geraldine Brooks.

People of the Book is the wonderfully told tale of one small book, an illustrated Hebrew prayer book created in the fifteenth century, and all the men and women who lovingly owned or protected it for over five hundred years. Brooks cleverly tells the story in reverse chronological order -- starting in modern day with conservator Hannah Heath's efforts to stabilize the condition of the book, and moving backwards until the mystery of the book's creator finally unfolds.

Along the way, Hannah unearths curious clues and signs that give her deep insight into the history of the book. Through war and deprivation, through Inquisition and forced emigration -- the power and beauty of the book causes people to go to great lengths to preserve and protect it. Hannah comes to see that the book is so much more than just parchment, ink and gold leaf.

It's precisely this idea -- that each book tells not only its story but also the story of every hand that ever held it -- that appeals to me. It's the feeling I have when I hold something that once belonged to my great-grandmother. What did she think of as she held it? What was going on in her life at the time? Did she travel far with it? Did she enjoy it as much as I do?

It's the same feeling you can't help but get when you stand on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial and accept the profound realization, "I am standing just where Dr. King stood", or when you hike the Appalachian Trail and feel the spirit of those who've passed the same way before.

It's a walk back into time, into a deep connection with someone else's life.

And Brooks' book shows that we're all connected. Christian, Jew, Muslim -- all worked to save one little book. Soldier, spy, scientist -- each did his part, building on the work of others. Man and woman -- engaged in creation of something lasting and magnificent. Yes, we're truly the product of everyone who has come before us -- an amalgam of their decisions, their actions, their hopes and their loves.

Perhaps you'll pick up People of the Book. You'll read it, love it, and leave it. For someone else to read. And to love. Part of the great continuum.

W-O-R-K (A Four Letter Word)

Time for a gut check. Do you like what you do?

You get up each morning and get ready for your day -- what's that like? Are you eager? Procrastinating? Measured? Rushed? Let me ask you this: Are you happy at the prospect of going to work?

I imagine there's someone reading this right now who scoffs at the very idea. "Michele," this person wants to say, "work is work. You're not supposed to like it! Work's just something you do to pay the bills and get financial security so someday you can retire and do whatever you daggone well please."

Hmmn. So, let me get this straight. I am supposed to work for forty years at a job I detest just so I can retire and get the freedom I postponed? How in the world does this make sense?

But it's a widely held view. And it governs us in so many ways.

A friend lamented that her teenage son has no drive. No ambition. No idea of what he wants to do. He isn't interested in getting a summer job. My friend is contemplating grounding him unless he finds a job, any job. Doesn't matter what he does, just as long as he works.

"Why do you think he doesn't want to work?" she asked. Maybe it's because all he hears is his mom and his dad complaining about their own jobs. He looks at his father and sees a man who misses games, and assemblies, and sports banquets because of the demands of his job. Who's distracted and on his Blackberry when he is home. Maybe he sees a mom who's frazzled and frantically juggling all the family elements that make up the boy's entire universe -- school, home, sports, friends.

With this kind of role model around work, who would want to get a job?

The secret to being happy is this: do more of what you like and are good at, and do less of what you dislike -- even if you are good at it. I, for example, dislike spreadsheets. Especially spreadsheets regarding historical spending, actual spending and proposed spending. They give me a headache. However, despite the pounding in my head, I am good at deciphering those kinds of spreadsheets and can be an active participant in discussions about them.

However, if I had a job that was solely spreadsheets, I'd be a morose blob of bleah.

I know a woman who is an accountant and has been at the same job for fifteen years. She goes in each day, does her work, goes home. It's a blob of bleah. She knows she's not really happy, but she's competent and that's all work is about, right? When you probe, you find out that what she'd really like to do is teach. The idea of teaching math to kids makes her whole face light up. But, she'll tell you, how could she possibly take the pay cut?

And, I ask: What's the price of being happier?

Maybe not as much as you think. It's a funny thing. When you start to do more of what you love, so much shifts. Time and time again, I have seen people take a "pay cut" and live richer lives. Either they find they need less than they thought, or they find that their priorities shift and needing that expensive suit, that keeping-up-with-the-Joneses vacation, that nifty sports car -- just not important. Those "things" were only used to fill the gap that happiness now fills.

Or they find that they get paid more than they ever expected. They get salary increases, and bonuses. If they own their own business, clients flood in. Why? Because they are on fire about doing what they love. People who are passionate about what they do attract business and opportunities.

Wouldn't you recruit a teacher that all the students, parents and faculty adored? Wouldn't you want an accountant who found beauty and joy in numbers? Wouldn't you hire a coach who loves what she does?

Work doesn't have to be a four letter word. When you live a life of your own design -- doing what you love and are good at -- you'll find that even work feels like fun. And each day is a joy. And your kids can't wait to get a summer job.

Story Fondling

Some time ago I wrote an essay on forgiveness where I suggested that "Forgiveness is when the hurt you’ve suffered no longer drives your decision-making, nor defines who you are."

Believe me, I've returned to those words time and again. And recently I came to see that people who are stuck are often unwilling or unable to let go of the hurt they've suffered. They are stuck in the hurt because somehow it defines them in a way that feels, oddly enough, comfortable.

It's the woman who will tell you, with great bitterness, how unfairly her ex-husband treated her. How he screwed her out of money. How he turned the children against her. How he cheated on her and walked away scot free. The jerk. When did this happen? you might ask, and be shocked to find out -- it was 30 years ago.

It's when your friend starts to complain once again about how intolerable her workplace is. What a psycho her boss is. How brown-nosing her office mates are. How favorites get recognized but hard work is never rewarded. How she has no energy and barely drags herself into work every day. And you've heard the same complaints over and over without cease for the past five years.

Being stuck -- feeling powerless to change, not knowing what to do, fuzzy thinking -- happens to all of us at some time or other. We have a problem and can't seem to find a way out.

Why is that?

It's as if staying fully engaged with the problem prevents people from having to come up with a solution. There's a issue, poppets, when we love the story of our problem so much that we can't bear to let it go. We're "story fondling", as my friend Martha Beck calls it. We love our story. We absolutely adore it. We hold it close, as if it were a tiny baby needing our tender, loving care.

But when we story fondle, we allow our problem to define us and shape our decision-making.

Which is the opposite of forgiveness.

And only prolongs the pain.

The only way forward, as you may have heard, is through. To get unstuck, once and for all, you have to stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the solution.

You have to break up with the problem and start dating a solution. Or play the field if you want and try several solutions.

Sure, sometimes we fondle our problem in an attempt to understand it. And that's important -- understanding the pain can help us craft a solution that works. But 30 years of fondling? Excessive. That's 30 years of living life in pain, and on hold. Which might feel safe, but is ultimately a waste.

What you've got, for sure, is today. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow is not promised. Laying the problem aside and living right here, right now, focused on solutions -- that's the key to arriving at the most powerful point of forgiveness -- self-forgiveness. Which is the path toward a vibrant life, worth living.