On My Mind

Just some random thoughts...

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou still sounds pretty good to me.

A lot of stuff we spend time on just isn't that important. Think reality TV, for instance.

Wonder what the world would look like if every boss was a trained coach.

You know you have done an OK job parenting when see your children spontaneously do a kindness for a stranger.

If you're over 35, stop saying "I'm trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up." You're doing it already. And if you don't like what you're doing, shut up and do something different.

It's possible to be tidy without being clean, and clean without being tidy.

You are the best expert on what makes you tick. Have the courage to be your own guru.

Happiness is not the absence of pain. Nor is it a reward for doing things right. You were born happy, and can return to happiness whenever you want by simply entering the slipstream of being.

My best summer memory has its own soundtrack.

Regardless of what you think, you are probably more than good enough.

Successful business strategy: Strive to serve repeat customers, rather than focus on one-hit wonders.

I am old enough to call anyone "darling" and "sugar" and get away with it.

Strangers are just people I haven't Twittered yet.

Looking back on my life, my single biggest regret may be that I didn't think up "Lady GaGa" first.

Democracy will always topple tyrants.

Remember when fashion was all big hair, big shoulder pads and big earrings? Someday, we'll look back at 2009 fashions and hoot with laughter, saying, "What was I thinking?"

The world is full of good people whose basic instinct is to help another person in need. I think you are one.

It is possible to re-wire your brain by examining your thoughts and changing them.

I have a great life. I'd say I'm lucky, but really it's more like I'm just letting the good stuff happen by staying out of my own way.

How about that?

Do Less, Get More

I am having a great time giving stuff away. Last March you told me you wanted free stuff, so I started offering a free coaching class every month. And it's been so energizing for me! (I 'get' by giving -- pretty cool.) Last Friday, I talked about one of my favorite topics, "Do Less, Get More". Through the magic of modern technology, you can listen to the recording here:

Something interesting came up in the class, and I want to elaborate on it. We've always been told that "to make sound decisions, people must consciously, deliberately, weigh their options", but, surprisingly, that strategy only works with the simplest problems. Tough choices -- you need to go with your gut, and be less conscious. For more on this interesting concept, read this new study from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University.

It's weird to think that big decisions need the least deliberation, isn't it? But, it's all about where you're putting your time and energy. You may know that I have the 100 Units of Energy Theory -- you have 100 units of energy to spend each day. No more, no less. Can't use yesterday's because they're gone, and you can't borrow from tomorrow's because they belong to tomorrow.

You got 100. How you use them is up to you.

And here's how you do less and get more: if you're agonizing over a complex decision -- using, say 75 units of energy a day on it... for weeks -- then shift into unconscious thought and just make a choice. The research shows that you'll likely make an excellent decision, and you'll free up tons of energy to do other things.

Do (worry) less, get more done.

What about the office? How do you do less when there's so much to do?

This is going to sound counter-intuitive, I admit it. But to be more effective at work, you also need to be less conscious. In fact, what you need to do is care less.

The odd paradox is that when people have a crisis like an illness, or an outside interest like a fundraiser, sports tournament, or college search, their performance at work often improves. It's in these periods that we use our time wisely, meet our objectives and serve our priorities.

We allocate our energy units effectively.

And feel really good about our lives.

So, if you are swamped and feel like there is too much to do and not enough time... focus on your priorities, make good, unconscious decisions, and you will find that you are able to do less, and get much, much more.

Out On A Limb

Wow, this feels big. I mean, just saying it out loud.

Deep breath.

Here goes: I have started writing another book.

There. Now it's out and I'm on the record and have made a promise.

You're my witnesses and I can't back out now.

What I'm attempting to do with this book is tell the story of one coaching client, blending fiction and self-help so that any reader can use the tools to help themselves learn and grow. And any coach or would-be coach can get insight and instruction about how a coaching practice really works. And, with any luck, the story will be compelling enough that a general reader will enjoy it, too.

What's the emoticon for happy/excited/yippee? Because that's how I feel about writing this book. It's an absolute joy -- which is how I know it's right.

OK, I've only just finished the first chapter, and, true to form, on the re-reading one line presented itself for further inquiry. When I posted it on my Facebook page, I got some immediate, strong reaction, so I thought I would write about it today.

"So many of us spend time seeking that we don’t stop to enjoy what we’ve already found."

Know what I mean?

It's like spending six months planning your wedding, and when that happily anticipated day comes, you're totally focused on...the honeymoon.

Or sitting in a weekend personal development workshop, perusing the catalogue to see...what workshop you can do next.

Or, the family joke, eating breakfast while discussing...what's for lunch.

Brings up a couple of ideas I've written about before. Remember Here But Not Here? How using a cell phone or Blackberry conveniently keeps you from being present right here, right now?

And even last week's 3 Ways to Get Out of Your Own Way. We are foursquare in our own way when we're so busy seeking the next great thing that we can't appreciate what's right in front of us.

Because seeking means we're looking ahead. We're looking somewhere else. Anywhere but here. Raising your hand and saying, "Absent."

It takes being fully present to fully enjoy what you've created. When you create, then drop your creation in favor of something new, what you are actually creating is a never-ending cycle of never being satisfied.

That's being driven, most certainly. Icky driven.

So, dare to be present. Dare to say, "Hmmmn. This feels great. Think I'll be here right now and...enjoy."

Enjoyment. What a concept. A very happy concept.

Like writing a book, if you ask me. And so I bring it around to the beginning. I'm writing a new book, and I thank you for being my virtual accountability buddies. It's going to be fun, anything but icky, and I'm glad you're along with me to enjoy the ride.

Meeting Faith

I met Faith on an airplane.

She settled in next to me and when I introduced myself and held out my hand, she took it saying, "Wow, that's so polite. I'm Faith."

For those of you who have always wondered, how did Faith look? Like a walking goddess -- you know, like JLo, without the attitude.

Now I could go all allegorical on you and imagine some deep and meaningful conversation with Faith...

But I really did meet Faith. And she's a PhD candidate at Northwestern University in Chicago. Young and vibrant, Faith turned out to be wise beyond her years. And we had a surprisingly deep and meaningful conversation on our hour plus some flight from Chicago to DC the other day.

I walked away from meeting Faith with more faith, and that's what I want to tell you about.

Faith comes from a family that didn't have many things, and couldn't provide Faith with many opportunities. But a great one fell in her lap when she was 14 -- she got assigned a Big Sister.

This Big Sister inspired Faith, coached Faith, believed in Faith.

So Faith decided to try getting into a college, something that no one in her family had ever done.

And she got in.

And excelled.

And kept going.

And now Faith is a PhD candidate who hopes to use her training to help the community she came from.

She's got vision, she's got direction, and she's got hope.

She's Faith.

Our conversation was so powerful that I noticed the people across the aisle straining to catch our chat. What did we discuss? We talked about fears, and redefining oneself. We talked about what it's like to be highly educated in a family made up of people who are not. We talked about how relationships work and how they fall apart. We talked about what women need to do to preserve their identities and their options while in relationships. We talked about books that have been important to our lives, and meaningful quotes. We talked about the past and we talked about the future. We talked about what we believe about the world. We talked about faith.

The plane touched down and we left each other with a smile and a wave. And as Faith walked away, down the airport hallway toward whatever's next for her, I said a little prayer of thanksgiving. Thanks to that Big Sister who reached a hand out to a promising young girl, and thanks to all the other hands that have helped her along the way. Thanks to Faith who could have made other choices about the direction of her life but hasn't. And thanks to Providence for placing us side-by-side on that airplane.

Because I walked away from my meeting with Faith renewed, restored and hopeful. Meeting Faith helped me remember that people touch people in the most unexpected and important ways. That people, by and large, are good and generous. That strangers are simply friends I haven't met yet.

Yes, I met Faith on an airplane. Where I least expected her. Which just might be the most important lesson of all.

Change or Die

Being stuck stinks. You're stuck when you know you can't stay where you are but you don't exactly know where to go. It's like running on a treadmill covered in molasses -- slow and sticky. And you're forever running in place.

Why do we get stuck at all? Why can't we rational human beings simply decide to do this, that or the other thing and get a move on?

Ah, if only it were that simple.

A few years ago I read a fascinating article in Fast Company magazine called "Change or Die", and it's been really helpful in so many ways. It gave me insight into something important: people stay stuck in situations that aren't good for them because they can't see how making a change will lead to anything positive.

Let's look at wellness. The bulk of medical expenses come from five lifestyle habits -- smoking, drinking, eating, stress and not enough exercise. Most doctors tell patients "make changes in these areas, or you will die". But in a few months or years the patient goes back to the bad old habits that brought on the trouble in the first place. We know what's good for us, but we just don't do it. Why?

"Change or Die" cites the work of Dr. Dean Ornish, who has achieved remarkable long-term results by taking a different approach with heart patients:

"Doctors had been trying to motivate patients mainly with the fear of death, he says, and that simply wasn't working. For a few weeks after a heart attack, patients were scared enough to do whatever their doctors said. But death was just too frightening to think about, so their denial would return, and they'd go back to their old ways.

"The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles. 'Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating,' Ornish says. 'Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?'

"So instead of trying to motivate them with the 'fear of dying,' Ornish reframes the issue.He inspires a new vision of the 'joy of living' -- convincing them they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. 'Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear,' he says."

This approach makes a difference for my clients. And it can for you, too. Simply look for a positive motivator -- and believe it's possible to achieve -- and stuckness disappears.

Rather than focus on how alone you'll be when that cheating boyfriend is out of your life, think about how wonderful it will be to find a loyal and faithful partner. Rather than beat yourself up for not losing weight, think about all you will be able to do when you're healthier. Rather than dwell on how horrible it was to be fired, consider how great it will be to get a paycheck again.

Hey, if you're stuck in some area of your life, here's your homework: take out a piece of paper. Write one sentence about where you're stuck. Then write down what the happy outcome will be when you get unstuck. Shift it, baby. Then hold on to that positive glimmer and make a couple of teeny-tiny steps every day directly toward it.

It's not "change or die", my darlings, it's "change and be happy". And I'm here to tell you -- it's completely possible.

Centered Enthusiasm

I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It's an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it's spring that's doing it. There's that moment in winter -- some bitter Tuesday in February -- when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that's what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday's free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you'd like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 "Be with positive people" prompted a couple of questions -- how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you're not even aware of their negativity -- because they're your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who's negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down -- they're likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side -- they're likely negative. If they use a lot of words like "can't", "won't" and "shouldn't" -- negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. "My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?" you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos -- simply say, "Gosh, sounds like you're really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I'm going to go into the next room, and when you're ready to talk calmly, come get me." Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I'd sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I'm standing in front of a bear. Ain't no bear in the neighborhood, but I'm behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I'll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you're surrounded on every side by negativity, all you'll see is the bad. You'll never see the happy buds of spring, you'll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I'm going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call "centered enthusiasm" -- I know what's going on in my world, and I'm still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don't you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn't shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead -- allow the unfurling to begin.

Living on the Contribution Side

On Friday, I had a little issue. Big wind storm. Cable out, internet out, phone out. Followed the maze of my provider's complicated customer service system only to find out that the problem was not with them, but with me. Turns out I had a surge, knocking out the power to the main box.

OK. Called an electrical repair firm that has done work with me before. Asked if someone could come out that day to repair the problematic power outlet. Simple enough request, huh?

Uh-uh. No, the young receptionist quickly told me three different reasons why she didn't want my business. One: "We don't do anything with phones." (You're not listening. It's not my phone, it's a power outlet.) Two: "We don't work in your area today." (Your office is half a mile from my house.) And, Three, after I succinctly asked, "So, you're telling me that there is no possible way to get someone out to my house today?": "Well, you wouldn't want to pay the emergency rate." (Her tone said, "Only idiots would pay that.")

Yes, as a matter of fact I am exactly the kind of idiot who will consider the emergency rate. Which was $97. About $30 more than a regular visit.

Worth it to me.

Maybe not worth it to her.

It's that idea -- "I wouldn't, so why would you?" -- that keeps us from opportunities. It reflects a lack of confidence, maybe. Or a lack of appreciation. Or it's a self-esteem thing. Or a self-centeredness thing. Regardless, there's a fear there, and it's probably the fear of being told no.

If I say, "You wouldn't want to..." and you end up taking my suggestion -- why, you're actually agreeing with me. Ha, ha! I win!

But I really lose. I lose a customer, I lose a job, I lose confidence.

I seem to be doing a lot of work these days prepping people for job interviews and performance appraisals. Imagine going into one of these settings and saying, "You wouldn't want to hire me, would you?" Or, "You don't want to promote me, do you?" But if you have the idea "I wouldn't hire/promote me" in your mind, you utterly telegraph that losing message. And you don't get hired, or promoted. You just stay stuck.

Yet this is how many people approach life. Negative rather than positive. Subtraction rather than contribution.

Let me tell you, living life on the contribution side -- focusing solely on how you can help in the given situation -- fundamentally shifts everything.

Can you imagine what it would have been like if that young receptionist had listened carefully and said, "Sounds like you need an electrician. Our regular appointments are all booked up today, but we have an emergency system that might just be perfect for you. It's just $30 more for the first half hour, and I could send someone over after 4pm. How's that sound?"

See how she might have made it easy for me? See how she could have told me how she could fix my problem, rather than focus on how she couldn't?

It's all a matter of attitude. And language that clearly states how you can help. How are you doing on that? If you find yourself living in the negative, come on over to the contribution side. It's nice here.

Because when you live on the contribution side, you make it easy for people to work with you, and to like you. And to pay you. When you live on the contribution side, you are focusing on what can happen, rather than what can't.

When you live on the contribution side, life becomes about opening rather than closing. And know what's opening? It's you. You're opening to good things happening in your life. And you can start today by simply asking yourself how can you contribute. And then, go ahead and do it.

A Good Cry

The other day I saw a young father holding his young son in his arms. The boy was crying, and the father kept saying, "Now, stop your crying. Listen to me. Stop crying."

Of course, the little boy only cried harder.

And that's how it goes, right? As I walked past I thought of all the times I told my children to stop crying. Why? Because their tears made me uncomfortable. Geez, it was awkward. I had no clue what to do with a crying child. I was worried what other people thought of me as a mother -- I mean, my kid was sobbing hysterically. Doesn't that trigger the Really Bad Mother Alert?

As I watched that young father, my heart went out to him. And I thought about what I'd do now if I were in that same spot.

I think I'd say to my little child, "Honey, it looks like you need some time to cry. How much time do you think you might need? OK. I'll be right over here -- you take all the time you want." And I'd sit and wait until the crying was done.

'Cuz sometimes we all need to cry.

I'd let my kid decide when he was through feeling sad or angry or whatever, rather than tell him when to stop. If we're told to deny our unpleasant feelings when we're very young, how in the world can we expect to know how to handle them when we're adults?

There are a lot of people out of a job today. Yet, many of them are stuck in their job search. Why? Because they haven't honored what they really need -- understanding and acceptance of why they were let go from their previous job. Every single day they get that old message, "Stop it now. Stop crying. Suck it up. Get on with it."

And this is why folks get stuck. And why they bomb job interviews. And they remain in limboland.

Because they haven't taken time to honor the full sweep of their emotions over losing their last job.

If your self-talk is all about the past -- the wrongs done to you, how stupid your old boss was, what idiots they were to keep Joe and let you go (sound at all familiar?) -- then do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for success by taking some time to fully feel how sad you are. Mourn the real loss you've suffered.

You may have heard that your results reveal your true intentions, and that is absolutely, 100% true. If you are out of work and not really working on your job search, what might be holding you back is the past.

"Oh, sure," you say. "I'm out of work and she wants me to get all introspective! I don't have time -- I need some money!"

I'm not saying wallow. Or become paralyzed. I'm saying have yourself a good cry for as long as you need to. I'm saying let it out and let it go. And then wipe your eyes and get back on track.

Because when you finally come to terms with the grief you've been denying, you will have let go of the past and planted your feet firmly in today. Let go of the past, sugar, and it has no power over you. You'll be happier, and look happier, and feel happier.

And happy people are the people who get hired.

Dog Days

They call them the Dog Days of Summer. As if all we can do is let our tongues loll out of our drooling mouths, and pant in the heat.

Which is exactly what I feel like doing.

Sure, there's plenty going on. The Olympics. The Presidential campaign. Wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and, now, Russia vs. Georgia. The rising and falling price of energy. Credit card reform. Mortgage bailouts. Vice Presidential candidates and political conventions. A lot of hoopla, come to think of it.

And I don't want to think about it. All I want to do is lay around, tongue lolling, and let August roll over me like a sauna bath. I want to emerge, sweaty and a few pounds lighter, just in time for September.

I want to eat popsicles, and let them drip from my fingers, leaving sticky, colorful trails down my arms.

I want to do a cannonball off the high dive.

I want to go to the movies and make it a double feature, just so I can sit in the air-conditioning.

I want to clothespin cards to my bike spokes and click-clack down the street.

I want Coppertone as my signature scent.

I want to shuck off all the trappings of this adult life and spend the next couple of weeks utterly retro.

So, even if -- like me -- you'll be working rather than loafing, you can take a little time to get some summer in your life.

All it takes is one popsicle.

Random Thoughts

Just some random musings on a summer afternoon:

The waiting may be the hardest part, but sometimes it's the best part.

Want to be happy? Say yes more than you say no, and mean it.

It is unfair that some people are allergic to watermelon.

The best job for you? The one that doesn't feel like work.

Different is not wrong.

When you're giving more love than you're taking out, and it feels effortless and inspiring -- you've found your life's purpose.

Ice cream sandwiches may just be the perfect thing to eat at 3pm on a July afternoon.

How to make a million bucks? Reading glasses that work in the shower.

If you need to talk with your teenager, take a long road trip with him or her. Let 'em drive. That way, they can't wear their IPod.

The majority of people in the world have no access to air conditioning.

The most electable candidate for vice president -- for either party -- is General Colin Powell. Second best choice for McCain? Condoleezza Rice. Wouldn't Dr. King be amazed?

Want to have more love in your life? Be the person you'd fall in love with.

Bring an open mind and open hands to all that you do.

If you don't know, ask. If you do know, let someone ask before you say anything. Which is a darned good cue for me to wrap it up.

Happy summer.

Investing In Friendships

We're all so busy, aren't we? Seems we're constantly rushing from here to there -- gotta get home, to the office, to the kids' soccer game, gotta take the elderly parents to all their appointments. The dog needs to go to the vet, then there are groceries, laundry, doctors, commitments, obligations, this, that, the other zillion things -- and a ton of stress.

Some people tell me that they're so busy doing all this stuff that they can't make time for their friends. And making new friends? Forget about it. "No one makes new friends after 40" said one woman.

Yet, who's happiest? Research has shown that it's people with the largest social networks. How's your friend factor? Have all you need? All you want? Are you making time to invest in your friendships, and insure your own happiness?

If not, don't worry. There are four things you can do right now to grow your social network.

Make contact: Email is a great tool for nurturing friendships. Though your great-grandmother might be appalled that you're not penning brilliant little missives on tasteful monogrammed stationery using a fountain pen with blue-black ink... contact is contact. Let your friends know what you're up to with a quick email. Or, a simple "I'm thinking of you" can brighten a day. And, if you receive a message from a friend, take the time to respond, even it's just a few lines. Of course, a phone call is swell and a "date" is even better. Read on.

Make time: Regardless of where you work -- The White House or your house -- schedule something with at least one friend at least once a week. Coffee, lunch, cocktails, cow-tipping, or whatever you enjoy doing together. I sense quite a few spit-takes at that suggestion. Wipe off your computer monitor and keep reading. Sure you're busy. Are you so busy, then, that you have no time to be happy? When you make time for a friend, you grow and nurture that relationship. Ignore the care and feeding of friendships until you need them -- and they may not be there.

Be yourself: The best friends are those who accept and enjoy you despite your flaws and shortcomings. Postponing friendships until you lose weight, or have a partner, or that nasty rash clears up -- is just fear talking. Real friends will love having you around, regardless. And if you have to pretend to be someone you're not around a person or group of people? They ain't your friends.

Remember: Memorizing birthdays and astrological signs is not required. However, please try to remember the names of your friend's spouse, and their children. Building a friendship means you need to know your friend's preferences -- when you continually suggest meeting for a nice juicy steak to your vegan friend... you are actually telling them that they aren't quite important enough for you to remember who they are.

And, want to know the single best thing you can do to bring some new people into your life? Volunteer for something. Yep, volunteering -- whether at your job or in your community -- creates bonds with others based on shared experiences and interests. The sense of pride and accomplishment plus the satisfaction of giving back are all great side benefits.

Friendships bring joy, comfort and zest to life. Relationships are a fundamental building block of happiness. Staying too busy to have friends and human connection is simply a way of denying yourself the happiness that's your birthright.

And where's the joy in that?

Get Yourself Organized

Just can't seem to get organized? Feeling a bit out of control? A little swamped?

Join the club.

And, it's a mighty big club.

Organization may the single most problematic task for most of us, according to my completely unscientific poll of clients, friends and family. Oh, and the mailman. So, how about some tips on how to get organized?

Let me be frank here: if other people think you are disorganized but you are fine with how you live, then it's not a problem. For you. Of course, if you have 25 years of old newspapers stacked ceiling high, 85 cats and 43 cases of yams stacked in untidy pyramids throughout your house, you might want to consider that there's a problem... But it's up to you.

If your disorganization makes you late -- paying bills, keeping appointments, forgetting to take medication -- or prevents you from being truly happy, then you need to make some changes. Here's how:

Identify the problem. Take a notebook and walk around your home, or your office, and make a list of the areas that need attention. Be specific. "Hall closet" or "supply closet", rather than "whole house" or "everything". "Calendar" or "paying bills", rather than "time" or "money". Got it? Once you can identify the problem areas, you can make a plan to begin to attend to them. Cherry-pick the easiest task first, and if none of them seem easy, then pick the area where getting organized is going to have the biggest impact.

Break each problem area down into teeny-tiny little steps. For instance, take "paying bills". What's the optimal bill-paying process? Let's write it down. OK. The mail comes. What do you have to do? Get the mail out of the box. Next? Sort the mail. Pull out the bills. Then what? Put them in a file folder? Pay them on the spot? What feels best for you? No, not throwing them into the trash, as much as you're tempted. (Hey, I know your type.) Remember, what you resist persists, so if you hate paying bills and put it off, and off, and off, the problem will only get worse. So, make it as easy and painless as possible. And if you really, really can't get the task done, outsource it -- to your spouse, your eldest child, or hire a part-time personal assistant.

Tackle one problem at a time. We get overwhelmed when we try to pay the bills, organize the files, recast the calendar and write a strategic plan -- all within the same 20 minute time period. Setting yourself up for failure, that is. Take one project at a time (that pesky "Hall closet") and give yourself a realistic time frame for finishing it -- even if that realistic time frame is three weeks. Remember, if you hit the wall on your project, that's OK. Just keep on making teeny-tiny steps toward progress every day and soon enough the daggone closet will be tidy. That's when you get to execute the very best tip:

Give yourself a reward. Honest. Give yourself something nice for having to do such a boring/nasty/unpleasant task. Make it something you look forward to -- a solid hour of Guitar Hero, for instance; or, a long chat with your best friend. Link the reward with the action, Pavlov-style, and you will begin to look forward to knocking other tasks off your list.

The reward I love is free time. I figure that if I knock a project off thoroughly and don't have to come back to it, I can then loaf absolutely guilt-free. Honey, talk about an incentive! Find the reward that means as much to you and you'll find tackling overwhelming organizational tasks a snap.

Life Is An Experiment

It has been brought to my attention that "deciding" is a subject that needs discussion. Deciding -- making a choice or a judgment about something -- can carry such overwhelming heavy freight that it seems so much easier to decide...not to decide.

Not doing anything, though, can prolong pain, suffering and unhappiness. In not deciding, friends, you stay firmly stuck.

So how do you make good decisions?

First, allow yourself this idea: Life Is An Experiment. When you're stuck, viewing yourself as a scientist who applies the scientific method to her hypotheses can give you a little room in which to move.

In the scientific method, you first make an observation and generate a hypothesis about what you observe. Then you come up with a predictable, rigorous way to challenge the hypothesis and you test it. If the data you collect in the test doesn't support the original hypothesis, you get to change your underlying thought -- and maybe move out of stuck.

Here's an example: A 14 year old guy at his first high school dance has this tightly held belief that no girl would possibly dance with him. He's never actually asked anyone to dance, mind you, but jumped right to a hypothesis, based on narrow observations of himself as a guy who is a little too skinny, or too fat, or too pimply, or too dorky. He thinks he's not quite right in so many ways, so he assumes all girls share his observations (many of us make this leap, so let's not be too hard on the lad).

Now, to test the hypothesis that no girl will dance with him: what can he do?

Why, he can ask a girl to dance.

My simple guideline is to test the hypothesis three times. So our young man needs to ask three girls to dance.

In his mind, as a scientist, he's not opening himself to three bouts of rejection. No, sirree. He's merely collecting three data points. Doesn't that feel easier?

If one girl says "yes", and one girl says "no", then his results are inconclusive. It's when he asks the third girl that his hypothesis is either proved or disproved.

But either way, look at what happened: he actually asked someone to dance. Regardless of whether Girl #3 dances or sits like a lump on a folding chair in the corner, our young man has actually put himself out there and done something he previously considered impossible. Just one girl saying "yes" tells him what's possible.

When you face an obstacle in your own life and your hypothesis is something like "this will never work", try the scientific method. Observe. Make a hypothesis. Construct a challenging test of your theory. Test it. Look at the results and change your theory if you need to.

When you view life as an experiment in which you simply collect data points, there is very little that needs to be perfect. You are just conducting tests that provide you with information you need to go forward.

Think of the hypotheses that may govern your life: "I can't lose weight", or "No one would hire me", or "I'm too old to find a new job", "I can't tell my mother how I really feel" -- and apply the scientific method.

Perhaps in the testing of your hypothesis you will find that the data don't truly support your thinking. It's simply your thinking that needs to change.

And then you'll be unstuck.

Procrastinate...Later

People certainly beat themselves up for procrastinating. Well, when they get around to it, they beat themselves up.

But what if procrastinating wasn't that bad? Just think: what if procrastination could actually be good for you?

Example One: You procrastinate about buying that house you toured with your spouse. And three months later, the price has dropped significantly so you buy it at a great savings.

Example Two: You procrastinate about writing that report the boss talked about. And the day before it's due, information comes out that changes the entire strategy -- making your report irrelevant.

Example Three: You procrastinate about having that difficult conversation with your co-worker, only to have her come in and apologize -- and accept responsibility for her actions.

Sure, you could come up with plenty of examples where procrastination can hurt you, like ignoring those stabbing sharp pains on your lower right side ("It's probably just gas, not appendicitis") and ending up with emergency surgery. Granted.

But when you take a look at why you're procrastinating, you can determine whether it's the right thing to do or not.

When you evaluate The Why, you need to consider how you feel about the decision or task at hand. So, sit with it for a minute. How would it feel to own that house? Scary? Too expensive? Is that why you're procrastinating? In this case, procrastination is sending you information -- this house is overpriced. Yay, procrastination!

Sometimes procrastination is a sign that we really don't want to do something. This happens when someone else forces their will on you -- remember when your mother ordered you to clean your room, even though it looked fine to you? When you feel you have no control, you might procrastinate in a slightly passive-aggressive way ("I don't wanna, and I'm not gonna") until you provoke a fight that unleashes all your fury and anger. Cue the slamming door portion of the program.

But you might also procrastinate because you need time to collect your thoughts and make your plans. Planning People may appear to be "last-minute" when they've really been working out the problem in their head for some time. This is the way I write, as a matter of fact. I compose in my noggin all week, then sit down to write in one fell swoop.

Seems to work.

One other reason folks can procrastinate is possibly the most difficult to be aware of -- they procrastinate so they can get out of their own way. These are our friends The Perfectionists.

Perfectionists can't help themselves. They add, or take away, or refine, or fiddle, or tweak. The more time they have, the more they tinker. I once saw a time-elapse film of Picasso creating a painting. There was a point at which he could have stopped and had a masterpiece. But he kept on fiddling and adding. And ended up with a ruined canvas.

When perfectionists learn to get out of their own way by giving themselves less time, rather than more time, they can deliver a more perfect product. Then they have to deal with what might have been if they really had enough time to do it right.

But that's a different column.

Procrastinating might be central to the way you function in the world, and, if that's so, then embrace it. Use it for good. If procrastinating hurts you, or keeps you from fully enjoying your life, then you might spend more time examining exactly why you keep putting things off. Because once you understand that, you understand yourself. Which is central to living a happy life.

Ya Gotta Wanna

Considering making some changes here at the end of one year and the start of a brand spanking new one? Gonna lose weight? Stick to your budget? Change jobs? Travel to Bali? Find yourself that elusive soul mate?

Sure every year you make resolutions; but this year, by golly, you're really gonna do it.

Well, all I'm gonna say is, "Ya gotta wanna."

How many times have you found yourself in late December writing down the New Year's Resolution to Get Into Better Shape, and by February you find yourself couch potato sluggish -- not going to the gym you paid for, or even using those getting-dusty weights in the back of the closet?

My guess? You didn't really wanna get into shape.

Because if you did really wanna, you woulda.

The sneaky sabotage comes into play when we say one thing yet do another. We say we want to pay off our credit card debt yet we continually splurge on something we "deserve", or that makes us "feel better". Result? We end the year with two additional credit cards, and everything maxed out.

And we feel like a failure.

Which is, of course, why we didn't pay off the credit card in the first place.

When you feel like a failure, you create opportunities to remind yourself that you are, indeed, a failure. What does a failure do? Why, fail! So, you fail to pay your bills on time -- and the nastygrams from your creditors reinforce your idea about yourself... that you're a loser. You fail to eat healthy food and moderately exercise, and what happens? Why, you gain weight, lose muscle tone and feel... bleah. But isn't that how a failure is supposed to feel?

To turn this around, there is only one thing you can do. And you gotta wanna. You gotta wanna move from failure to success. Really, really wanna. Ready?

Take out a piece of paper. Oh, and a pen. Or pencil. Or fat crayon. Something handy. OK. List the following categories and leave enough space between them to write four or five things under each. The categories are: Career; Money; Health; Physical Environment (your living conditions); Family/Friends; Significant Other/Romance; Personal Growth (continuing education, spiritual growth, etc.); and, Fun & Recreation.

Focus on what you did, rather than what you didn't. That's a switch, huh?

When you're finished, look at your list of accomplishments for the year. Any patterns? Anything interesting? What's that tell you about your year?

This was a tough year for a client of mine, Susan. A year ago, she lost her senior executive position due to an industry shake-up. Then both parents got ill, and she became their legal custodian. She arranged for their care, took responsibility for finances, coordinated with the extended family. A full-time job -- while she was looking for a full-time job. In the last three months, her father died and her sister unexpectedly died -- and her mother remains ill.

But.

In the last year, she rekindled friendships. She moved to her dream city. She put lovely things into her new home. She made smart financial decisions. She exercised. She traveled. She continued to expand her professional network. She sought support when she needed it. She took care of herself.

Although Susan might say, "2007 was a lost year", her list would indicate that she actually made some important steps. Sure, she did what she had to. But the things she really, really wanted to do? She got those done, too.

When you shift your thoughts from "look at what a mess I am" to "look at what I've done", you shift your perspective from perpetual loser to resilient achiever. Even if your achievements are small, they are still yours.

"Michele", you say."What's the point? I only made accomplishments in areas that really don't matter. I still don't have (a partner, a great job, a million dollars)." I, in my most wise Yoda-like way will ask, "Why are you afraid of leaving Loserville and moving into Successville? What's keeping you from claiming all of your power and accomplishments? What benefit do you get from believing that what you do doesn't matter?"

Getting rid of your negative beliefs about yourself is the key to making progress on any New Year's resolutions you may make. Shifting from a sense of limitation and lack to an awareness of opportunities and abundance completely changes your life. Things become more effortless, you become happier. Believe me, it can be done and you can get there.

But ya really gotta wanna.

Funk Sway

The ancient Chinese art of feng shui seeks to correct or balance the energy in a place so that maximum happiness, prosperity and good fortune can occur. Feng shui is helpful in decluttering, redecorating and renovation. Practitioners train for years to understand the complex rules surrounding the harnessing of "chi" -- the energy that surrounds us.

I have my own method of decluttering, redecorating and harnessing chi. It's simple, with just a few rules. All you need is a CD player and the right music and you can change your life and your chi.

I call it "Funk Sway", and it's based on one universal premise: there is no way to be unhappy when you are dancing to classic funk music.

I am a certified Funk Sway master, and by reading this you will achieve your mastery, too.

Here's what you do: go to the room you want to re-energize. This next step is a very important element to set the tone for the entire Funk Sway process: you must play the funk classic "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" by Wild Cherry. Begin to sway...perchance to dance. When the song has concluded, choose your next song depending on what you'd like to achieve in your life.

To declutter, you must play "Pick Up The Pieces" by the Average White Band. Play it loud. Swaying will happen, trust me. Amid the swaying, and dancing, begin to literally pick up the pieces. In a few short minutes, you will be funk swaying your way into a tidier room!

To affirm your sense of gratitude, you need "Thank You (Falettime Be Mice Elf Agin)" by Sly and the Family Stone. Require some affirmation? It's "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus (and Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan). Want to develop a career in the movies? "Hollywood Swinging" by Kool and the Gang sets the proper tone. Lost something? Why, you need Parliament's "Flashlight" (or maybe a... neon light).

Grateful for your health and body? "Brick House" by the Commodores. Need to focus on being a more empathetic individual? "I Feel For You (I Think I Love You)" by Chaka Khan (Chaka Khan -- you know you always say it twice).

When you have met your objective for your Funk Sway session, the concluding song must be "Give Up The Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker)".

Your environment is now funkified. Your burdens have been laid down, and joy pervades.

It's time to free your inner funkster. Open yourself to the messages of the universe, contained in a brutal back beat and righteous horn section. Sway to the funk. Be one with the funk.

It's time to Funk Sway your chi, y'all.

Walking The Walk

Those of you who have worked with me know that sometimes I pull something and use it in a way it may not have been intended. I may use a marketing tool to assess your life. Or take a parenting technique and apply it to your business. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman is one of those multi-purpose tools I find myself using time and time again.

The book is designed for couples -- to bring them closer together. But I have found the information especially useful in a workplace setting. Let me 'splain, Lucy.

Dr. Chapman, a marriage counselor with over 30 years of experience, suggests that there are five primary ways people experience feeling loved. They are:

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Gifts

Words of Affirmation

So let's look at each Love Language. Physical Touch people feel loved when they are in physical contact with others -- hugs, pats on the back, sex. In a workplace setting, Physical Touch people must be very, very careful... but if you supervise someone who is "touchy-feely", you may find a literal pat on the back may do wonders for his performance.

Quality Time folks like spending one-on-one time with another person. They will make time for you, and like when you make time for them. If someone continually finds excuses to linger in your office, they might be a Quality Time person, trying to satisfy that need.

People motivated by Acts of Service will do things for you. At home, these are people who fold and put away your laundry. Or do your dishes. Or get your car inspected, or your tires rotated. In the office, these folks might offer to get you lunch while they get their own. Or bring you a package from the front desk they just happened to spot.

Although we'd like to think that Gifts are restricted to small blue boxes from Tiffany's, Gifts can be as small as a cookie from a favorite restaurant, or a souvenir from a trip. Gifts people like knowing you were thinking of them when you were apart. Finally, people motivated by Words of Affirmation need to be told that they are valued and appreciated.

Dr. Chapman says that often we speak to others using our own Love Language -- which may or may not be relevant to the other person. This is how relationships get in trouble -- I tell you you're wonderful because I'm a Words of Affirmation person, and it means absolutely nothing to you because you're an Acts of Service person. "Sweet words are nice, but what have you done for me lately?" might be the response.

Many troubled marriages, suggests Chapman, could be saved if only the partners would speak each other's Love Language. When you consider how many women report that their husbands never "do anything around the house" -- they're expressing their Acts of Service orientation -- and how many men complain that they don't get enough sex -- they're expressing their Physical Touch leanings -- the concept of speaking Love Languages to each other becomes very clear.

Wouldn't it be fascinating to consider that the difficult boss you struggle with could be transformed - - if you just started speaking to him in his Love Language? Do a few Acts of Service, and diffuse the tension. Give him some Words of Affirmation and get him off your back...

Dr. Chapman's main point is that if you speak the other person's Love Language rather than your own, you will fill up their "Love Tank" -- increasing their attachment and regard for you -- and create a happier, healthier relationship.

I have to tell you that this really works. It works with partners, children, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers. It even works with ex-spouses! Many people have a primary language as well as a secondary one -- make it your business to know the Love Language of those important to you, as well as your own, and you will greatly increase your life satisfaction. Promise.

Either/Or

"I can stay in my job and have enough money, or I can do what I love and be broke."

"I can't be happy as long as I'm married to Clyde."

"Since I have been a full-time parent for the last ten years, the only job I can possibly get won't pay very much."

All statements I have heard in the last month -- that's true.

But they're not true statements. Sure, they feel true to the folks saying them, but they're really either/or, black/white statements. They're what's called "limiting beliefs". Either/or statements like this serve a great purpose -- they keep us pretty well stuck.

Because... is it true that you have to be broke to do what you love? Hmmmn. Oprah looks like she loves what she does and she's doing all right. Bill Gates? He seems pretty happy. Steve Jobs is passionate about what he does, and he gets all the IStuff he can use. Bono gets to be a multi-millionaire rock star AND do good while wearing cool sunglasses.

Either/or statements serve as fear-based predictors of what's going to happen. If you go into a job interview with the mindset, "Since I've been a full-time parent for 10 years, I can't ask for too much" -- guess what? You won't. Confidence in your own self-worth is reflected in that thought, and you telegraph it to everyone you meet. How much stronger to say, "Even though I've been out of the workforce for 10 years, I bring great skills and excellent contacts -- I'm worth what they've budgeted for this position's salary."

Living in black/white, either/or land is one way to make sure you're always right. "I can't be happy if I'm married to Clyde" -- a popular kind of statement. Saying this, you will discard any experience that might show that you could be happy, or, heaven forbid, that you actually like Clyde. You will pursue, or maybe even create, opportunities to be unhappy with Clyde. What if you turned it around and figured ways to see if you could be happy with Clyde, oh, like, let's see: counseling, mutual hobbies, actually talking to him...

Often when we "can't be happy" it's not because of someone else, but because of something within ourselves. And we owe it to the Clydes of the world to work on that before laying our own dissatisfaction at their feet.

Living in the gray between black/white is the challenge, and the gift. It's saying, "I can lose weight while eating fewer carbs." It's saying, "I may have to start the work I love on the side or as a volunteer, while I keep my job for the income." It's "I can be happy with or without Clyde -- it's up to me."

There are "motivational speakers" out there who tout the idea "You CAN have it all." Which is, poppets, yet another black/white statement. The beauty of living in the gray is replacing "either/or" with "and". It's so much more balanced to believe, "I can have some of this and some of that," or, even more true, "I can have whatever I need."

Contrary to popular belief, life is not all or nothing. The key to getting unstuck is getting un-attached to the either/or thoughts that immobilize us, and recognizing them for the limiting beliefs they are.

In fashion, it's often said that this color or that color is the "new black". In life, the key to happiness is replacing black/white with the best of both -- to live in the shades of gray that are truly flattering.

Cleaning a Closet

I cleaned out a closet the other day. "Yes," you're saying to yourself, "she lives such a glamorous life." So true.

I cleaned out a walk-in closet in preparation for a much needed paint job. It's been nine years since the closet was empty, let alone painted. It's past time for a thorough overhaul.

As I toted yet another armful of hanging clothes out, it occurred to me that I have way too much stuff. I was carrying junk I don't wear and don't even like too much, and I was carrying too much of it. And it wasn't just clothes. What were my high school yearbooks doing in there? Baby toys? (My kids are teens.) Two dozen books, a broken video camera, three shoeboxes full of photos, and assorted suitcases? In my clothes closet?

As I plopped the detritus of the closet into its Temporary Storage Area, I decided that the only things going back in the closet are things I really want in there.

Things I use.

Things I like.

Things that make me feel happy.

Thank goodness for paint jobs. Without this upcoming one, I wouldn't have taken the time to take a hard look at my stuff, dust the shelves and give the corners a good vacuuming.

Then it hit me: there's plenty of stuff to clean out of other closets. Like the closet between my ears. There's plenty of junk in there that's outdated, that I don't like, and that doesn't make me particularly happy.

How about you? Is now the time to get rid of the excess stuff you've accumulated -- to streamline your life and your thoughts so you can be your best self?

Maybe you have an outdated idea about yourself -- and it's holding you back. I worked with a woman recently who views herself as a struggling young homemaker, although her home is paid off, there is money in the bank and her kids are ready to go to college. Seeing herself as struggling feels comfortable, controllable and somehow appropriate. It's the way she's defined herself. It's her comfort zone. Not a happy comfort zone, but a comfort zone nonetheless.

She needs to clean out that closet.

Whether you're literally or figuratively ready to clean out a closet, now's the time. Examine everything that comes out of your closet -- does it fit? Is it in good shape? Does it bring out the best in you? Do you like it? If your answer is "yes", keep it. If the answer is "no", give it away.

Letting go of that which holds us back or weighs us down, allows space to open for us to grow and start something new. It's time to clean closets.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Isn’t the Internet a wonderful thing? You can read something interesting, then click to something else quite interesting, which leads, hours later, to an utterly random yet extremely fascinating article, completely unrelated to what got you started.

Using just this circuitous method, I stumbled on an interview with researcher Beverly Whipple, recently named one of the world's 50 most influential living scientists by New Scientist magazine. Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University, began her career as a nurse and switched to sex research 44 years ago when a patient asked if a man who had suffered a heart attack could ever have sex again. In the course of her career, she has answered that question and many others.

One line from the interview really jumped out at me. When asked the difference between men and women in terms of sex, Whipple replied, “Men are goal oriented, and women are pleasure oriented.”

Well, now. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it?

Then I wondered if there were other areas of life where this is true. Sure, some men are keen to experience, not just rush to a goal. And women are known to set and meet goals. But in the aggregate, the idea that men have one definition of success and women have another has implications in the boardroom, as well as the bedroom. As I pondered, I realized there are plenty of examples of this, especially if you exchange the word “pleasure” for “experience”.

Think about shopping. A man goes into a Shopping Situation with a seek-and-destroy mindset: “I need two new shirts, a tie and boxers, then I’m out of here!” Women may have things they need to pick up, but also look at the possibilities. “Sharon would like this!” or “This might work for Tom.” Women often shop with a friend, and make a day of it. They pay attention to ambiance, texture, sounds.

He has a goal. She’s after an experience.

Another example? The NCAA Final Four bracket chart. Can you think of another more goal-oriented deal than that? A guy will completely fill in the bracket and track the progress of the teams to the ultimate goal – the #1 position. On the other hand, when I watch college basketball I am fascinated by the stories, “Brent, the power forward, Lucas Jones, certainly has faced adversity. He was raised by his loving, asthmatic grandmother in Waukegon's gritty inner city after he tragically lost his parents to a freak Zamboni incident at age 8. He’s a mentor to little kids at the Girls and Boys Club, a ventriloquist and a straight A student.” Ahhwww. Women are suckers for that stuff. It’s all part of the experience.

Women are color commentators, men are play-by-play.

So, where else does it matter that men are goal oriented and women are experience oriented? Let’s get back to sex. Many men, and plenty of women, feel that orgasm is the goal of sex. Some men feel that there must be “something wrong” if their partner doesn’t climax. Yet, I was surprised to learn from Professor Whipple that over 70% of women report they do not have orgasm every time they have intercourse. Sadly, there are a lot of women, and men, who feel “less than” sexually when, in fact, they are quite normal. The average woman takes 20 minutes to become sexually aroused -- and, how shall I say it, in the rush to make their goal, many men forget not only the time, but the day of the week [insert laugh track here].

Imagine the mutual satisfaction if a man was aware that the experience is what is important to a woman, rather than rating "success" on whether she did or didn’t have an orgasm. What if he fully supported her "pleasure for the sake of pleasure" and de-emphasized orgasm? With less pressure to perform for both parties, there would be better, and dare I say it, more sex.

I have to write a word about "male performance". What a doofy phrase. As if the man performs and the woman applauds. As we've seen above, that's not always true. Take it from me, it's not a performance, gents. Writer Gary Zukav talks very eloquently about the power of the sexual connection in his book The Seat of The Soul. In that book, Zukav suggests that forgetting the spiritual aspect of sex strips it of its meaning. In that way, too, the idea of "male performance" strips sex of the mutuality of the moment.

Just understanding that he needs a goal and she needs an experience could transform a relationship. Rather than expecting him to love shopping, just like she does, a woman could say, “I am going to respect his need to seek-and-destroy when he’s shopping and not browbeat him to enjoy it as much as I do.” Or a man might plan an outing with a woman and say, “Rather than try to climb to the top of Mt. Baldy as fast as possible, I'm going to make sure Susan really enjoys the experience. We'll move at a reasonable pace and stop halfway to have a picnic lunch.”

Wouldn’t it be great if a male manager could acknowledge that there is more to work than meeting and beating objectives – and reward women who focus on team-building and systems strengthening? And a woman manager could recognize that the guys on the team need the satisfaction of having something to strive toward, and create a process to measure and reward progress toward the goal?

There is so much to learn and appreciate from the differences between men and women. If a man can learn from a woman to slow down and enjoy the experience, while the woman learns the satisfaction of making and reaching goals, a kind of relational balance can be had – a balance which makes life for each of them that much more full.