Meeting Sandra Day O'Connor

Let me tell you a little story. I have this friend Wendy. She's my sister-by-choice and one of our favorite things to do is to grab the golf clubs and walk 18 holes, chit-chatting before, after, and -- occasionally -- during shots. We've solved the global financial crisis, cured cancer and floated solutions to difficult international diplomatic challenges on our rambles down the fairways. I know her daddy, she knows mine, and we mourned the recent loss of her mother. Off the course, we have keys to each others houses.

And my kids call her "Aunt Wendy".

So one day Wendy and I were playing some golf late on an afternoon. As usual, we were walking the course, carrying our clubs over our shoulders. It's a good workout and allows us to play at a steady pace.

Now, one of the things a golfer must do is pay attention to the group ahead of her as well as anyone behind her. Courtesy requires that each group play with pace, so the entire course doesn't slow to a crawl.

On this particular day, the group ahead of us got slower and slower until Wendy and I were waiting in the fairway quite a bit. Soon, we noticed an older couple in a cart behind us playing fairly fast, and coming up quick.

The woman would hit every shot, and the man driving the cart would just get out to putt. Interesting play pattern, but the thing was, they were right on us, and would soon be waiting, too, further gumming up the course.

We we about to tee off on the 18th hole. I turned to Wendy: "I'm going to ask if they want to join us to play in." Wendy agreed, so I turned to call to the cart couple. The woman looked at me from about 25 feet and my heart stopped.

It was the first woman named to the U.S. Supreme Court. It was Sandra Day O'Connor. My voice squeaked when I turned to whisper to Wendy, "It's Justice O'Connor!" Wendy gave me the don't-be-a-wimp look, and I cleared my throat and said, "Would you all like to play up with us?"

She was delighted. Introductions all around. Small talk about the weather, the pace of play, the fiendish 15th hole. Then it was our turn to tee off.

Mr. O'Connor declined to tee off, so it was us gals up on the red tee. I can't recall the order, and it's not important. What's important is this:

Justice O'Connor hit her tee shot and I said, "Nice drive!" And she turned to me, looked directly in my eyes and said, "It was not. It's in the left rough."

And in that moment, she let me know who she is -- grounded, comfortable in her own skin, self-assured. And she let me know that what she expected from me -- truth, honesty, fair play -- was going to be what I would give her. It was pretty clear: Sandra Day O'Connor requires no sucking-up. No ego boosting. No sycophants.

I got the message. Believe me. Felt like a dope. I looked at her directly and said, simply, "Yes, Ma'am." I understood what she wanted from me, and I was going to give it.

I've had the good fortune to have spent plenty of time around famous people throughout my career. And obsequious sucking up does seem to be the lingua franca of celebrity. When Justice O'Connor said, in effect, "Don't play those celebrity games with me," I was relieved and inspired. What a woman.

What I took away from this brief exchange is this: real legends have no need for brainless yes-men or yes-women in their lives. They wouldn't be where they are if they had gathered people around them whose entire life purpose was to suck up to fame.

A few weeks ago I gave a free class for coaches which caused a stir when I suggested that there may be a time in your life when it's appropriate to stop seeking, so you can implement what it is you've found. I said, at some point, you leave the teacher because you are fully taught. That you have the courage to become your own Buddha.

This may be that time for you. If there is someone in your life who you are overly reliant on for your mood, or sense of self-worth -- or if you feel that you are always the one shouting "Good shot" even when the ball lands in the rough...

Maybe it's time to learn a small lesson from my story, and if you're not ready to be your own Buddha, maybe you can be your own Sandra Day O'Connor. And start to call 'em like you see 'em. Authentically. Clearly. Honestly.

To Know, Know, Know You

Want to get to know me?

I'm an ENTJ on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator -- my preference is to be an Extraverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judger (that last one means I like to decide, and decide now, thank you very much).

On the Kolbe Conative Strengths Index, I am a natural Fact Finder, followed closely by Quick Start. That means I will do the research but then want to get going (see "Judging" above).

The Clifton Strengths Finder indicates that my top strengths are: Strategic, Ideation, Activator, Communication, Input.

"Bunch of assessments, bunch of results. So what?" Hear this a lot from people. "Yeah, yeah. But just tell me what it is I'm supposed to do with my life."

Look, these assessments do serve to tell me more about you -- but, really... they're designed to tell you more about you.

Because one thing I know for sure: the more you know about yourself and your innate preferences, the more clear you are. When you are clear, you make better decisions. When you make better decisions, you're happier and more successful.

And who doesn't want that?

Some people resist assessments because they don't like being "put in a box" or "labelled". These people probably have very high preference toward Perceiving and I love them for sticking to their type. (That's a Myers-Briggs reference -- Perceivers just want to keep all of their options open. In the trade we call this their P-ness, which is a little Myers-Briggs joke. OK, a stupid Myers-Briggs joke, but there you have it.)

But when I see the lightbulb go off over someone's head when they realize they aren't wrong and they don't need to be fixed -- that, instead, they need to play to their innate preferences and solid strengths -- it's a highlight of my work.

I'm talking about the woman who berated herself for years for having to talk to think, until she realized that's the way she's wired. Or the man who shifted his continual "loser" self-talk as he realized that he just liked to be flexible and keep his options open (got in touch with his P-ness, yuk, yuk). Or the woman who, for the first time, figured out why she was so frustrated working for other people -- she has all the attributes of a CEO and needs to move toward that kind of role.

Accepting your preferences, strengths and talents, and then aligning your actions with what it is you do best, naturally, is the easiest and most efficient way toward success.

And when it comes down to it, knowing yourself -- inside and out -- and living authentically, P-ness and all (I couldn't help myself), will make you not only successful, but happy. And you'll do it the easy way -- by just being yourself.

The Power of You

There's a quote I particularly love... do you know it?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."(Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love)

When I work with people -- whether they're looking for a job, or trying to do the job they have better, whether they have a big decision to make or a crisis to handle -- they focus on where they feel weak. Time after time I see people stuck and wallowing in their deficit, when the only solution is to stand in their strengths.

To allow themselves to be powerful beyond measure.

What do I mean? How do you shift from a position of weakness to strength?

It's not waiting for someone else to give you permission to do what's best for you.

It's saying what you need to say -- including the word "no" -- rather than what you're expected to say.

It's doing more of what you're good at and that you like, rather than doing things that sap you.

It's about knowing, deeply, yourself and loving everything about you. Even the extra pounds, the bad hair days, the annoying habits, the fear. 'Cuz once you love that about yourself, you are open to loving it about others.

When you stand in your power, you become powerful beyond measure. I'm not talking about the kind of power that gives you dominion over others or makes you rich or famous. I'm talking about the kind of power that makes you clear. Happy. Certain. Authentic.

I'm talking about the power that you already have inside you. I'm talking about The Power of You.

It's right there inside you -- all your strengths, gifts and talents. All you have to do is use them. Every day. And you will profoundly change your life.

What's Next?

What do women in prison and Republican political appointees, and maybe even you and me, all have in common?

We all ask the same question: "What's next?"

This past week I spoke to a group of women inmates at a correctional facility in Maryland about how to discover and live into their strengths. The basic point: do more of what you're good at and that inspires you, and you'll be living a happier life.

The difficult part is that so many of these women, and so many of the rest of us, have gotten so far from those things we love to do that we can't even recall what they are. And when you're battling addiction it's hard to say you love anything more than what you're hooked on. Most of these women know that loving crack doesn't get you anywhere. But jail. Or death.

To reconnect with their passions, I urged them to think back to their young girlhoods. "When you were ten or eleven or twelve, how did you spend your time? What did you love then?" It's interesting what pops out when I ask these questions -- almost everyone can answer with something, and it's usually something that unlocks a hidden passion. And when you identify a passion and a strength, you can begin to form an idea of work that can flow from that. An avid babysitter can become a childcare worker. A former athlete can work in a fitness center. An artist can work with paint.

During the question and answer period a woman raised her hand and said, "I'm a professional journalist and I'm turning 50 next week. Who's going to hire me after I've been in here?" To be honest with you, she looked like a Ralph Lauren model, and I wondered what life path had brought her to jail as I considered how to answer her question.

"Well, if writing is a strength for you," I ventured, "maybe you can write about this experience. Show people that you can write, and my guess is that you can get hired."

"What about fear?" she asked. Heads around the room nodded in agreement. "Fear's a big barrier," I acknowledged. "But there's reasonable fear and unreasonable fear. Reasonable fear is facing a charging bear, or someone with a gun in their hand. It's real. Unreasonable fear comes from a part of you called the social self -- what will people think? -- and the only antidote is to focus on what's real. Your strengths? They're real. Your passions? Real. Focus there, rather than on your fear, and you'll be OK."

Tomorrow I'm going to speak to about 150 Republican political appointees here in Washington, DC, who will lose their jobs as of Inauguration Day. I imagine there's plenty of fear for them, too, as they look into a future where politics are dominated by Democrats, and jobs are scarce. I'll talk with them about identifying and playing to their strengths, about facing their fears, about creating a reasonable action plan grounded in what's possible rather than what should be.

I imagine I'll take several questions very similar to those asked of me in the jail. Maybe it's the human condition that causes each of us, regardless of our life's path, to ask, "What's next?" And, truly, what's next is unknowable. What is knowable is who you are, what you're good at and how to live your best possible life. What I know to my very marrow is that living into your strengths -- into the gifts and talents you already have -- is the key to living a happier life. And finding work that matters.

Always You

I have a theory. It's that we are pretty much who we're going to be at an early age. That's not to say that life experiences don't change us, or that we can't undertake change on our own. Stuff happens, our perspectives shift and we change.

But if you're born left-handed, you're probably going to stay left-handed for life.

The Internet is an unparalleled way to reconnect. I got this in my Classmates.com in-box:

"I don't know if you remember me from elementary [school], but I'll never forget you. I remember nervously walking into the school for the first time after I moved there at the beginning of the 3rd grade. Mrs. W (who scared me to death!) was showing me where the classroom was located -- it was early and hardly any kids had arrived yet. You walked up to me from the other end of the hall and struck up a conversation, and made me feel like I wasn't an outsider. I don't know if I ever thanked you, but I always appreciated that. You made my transition to a new school much easier."

I have to tell you, this email rocked me. Families tell stories of our youth, but they usually involve -- in my case -- where I made a complete and total fool of myself by saying or doing something incredibly dopey.

To hear a tale of my past, from an outside, objective observer is like watching a documentary of my life. No spin, no role-playing -- just a glimpse of who I was in third grade. Priceless.

And know what? I don't remember the woman who wrote me (I do remember the evil and wicked Mrs. W, our teacher. Still get the shivers mentioning her name). But a year or so after the incident my correspondent described, my family moved two thousand miles away and I haven't been back to that little town since. So in writing me she had no relationship to mend, heal or promote -- she just had an open, grateful heart and a place to share. What a gift to me.

I've been spending a lot of time recently working with clients -- and myself -- on discovering strengths. I ask questions like: What do you do best? What do you really like? How can you play to your strengths? Because when you play to your strengths, whatever you do feels...easy. Not at all like work. Even, dare I say, fun?

Can you imagine what life would be like if you played to the inherent strengths you've had your whole life? Since you were in, oh, third grade? How effortless would that be?

So, what parts of your childhood personality remain? Who were you then -- and who are you now? Understanding who you were -- to others, to yourself -- can illuminate and inspire your life today. Turn the light on, and uncover your own, innate, wonderful strengths. Then put those natural strengths to use, and craft a meaningful, purpose-filled... easy life.

Neither Seen Nor Heard

After plenty of hard work, Jennifer has been promoted to Vice President of Sales. Now, rather than meeting with clients and delivering results for them, she manages a staff of salespeople.

"The problem is," she tells me, "whenever I have a meeting with my team it's as if I don't even exist. No one listens, people talk over one another and we're starting to miss our projected sales numbers. What's happening? I've always gotten along with these people really well, but it's as if they hate me since I got promoted. What's wrong with me?"

Getting promoted from within can be the best of times, and it can also be the worst of times. It's the best when you know the organization and all the rules -- written and unwritten -- and can use this knowledge to succeed. It's the worst when your former co-workers turn into surly, passed-over subordinates -- and use all their time and attention conspiring to knock you down a peg.

To shift her situation, Jennifer needs to take a hard look at her own leadership style. There are three places for her to focus:

1. Attitude. I've written about the managerial differences between men and women -- to recap, women are prone to "mend and tend" while men are more apt to "fight or flight". Jennifer needs to take a hard look at how she behaves in meetings. Is she so overly collaborative (tending) that she fails to be authoritative? Does she run meetings like an executive, or defer to others in hopes of maintaining a good relationship (mending)? Authentic leadership is a balance of collaboration and authority -- and Jennifer may be a little too heavy on the collaborative side of the scale. To tip the balance more toward center, she can take small steps toward being more decisive, such as setting the time and date for meetings, writing the agenda, and running meetings herself.

2. Verbal cues. Let me tell you this: If the boss doesn't hold onto her own power, you can be sure that someone else (who is certain she should have been promoted to Jennifer's spot) will grab it. Women in particular often use tentative language. Some women end every sentence with a literal or figurative question mark -- which tells the listener that she's not quite sure if she knows what she's talking about. Jennifer can use a small tape recorder or enlist a mentor to figure out her verbal style. Listening to how she frames issues, sets goals and objectives, and deals with squabbling among her staff can be illuminating and empowering. Jennifer can use this information to choose different words -- words that transmit that she's knowledgeable, skilled and at the helm.

3. Body language. Similarly, Jennifer needs to understand her own body language. Is she hunching her shoulders and transmitting submission? Or clasping her hands under the table, which can indicate either that she is a dutiful little girl or has something to hide (and can't be trusted). Leaders sit with attention, hands visible -- and they take up space. Jennifer may need to do a little learning about body language so she can assume the command she's been assigned.

One of the big stumbling blocks for women leaders is giving up the pernicious need to please. They wonder, "If I'm a straightforward leader, and claim my authority, will people still like me?" To be honest, some women worry about this whether they're a Vice President of Sales, or organizing a neighborhood coffee klatsch.

The bottom line is this: how long are you going to please others at the expense of your own authentic self? Jennifer earned her promotion. She feels a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment in her work. And she might be letting her need for the approval of others to hold her back from being her best possible self and completely owning her power.

When it comes down to it, women leaders -- whether they're leading a company or a group of teen volunteers or just leading themselves through their own personal growth -- need to put their best possible self front and center. They need to own their power, however it comes to them, and exercise it authentically. When they do, they operate from a sense of inner peace, honesty and integrity. And the support and respect of others follows along quite naturally.

[Just a note to my guy readers: switch out all the girly references with dude stuff and you'll find it's equally true. Being an authentic person who exercises appropriate authority when it's called for -- that's how you lead effectively.]

Internal Stress

A hundred years ago, society frowned upon those who were left-handed. In fact, the bias against lefties goes back quite a while. The Latin word referring to the left hand, sinister, means evil, while the word referring to the right hand, dexter, means correct. A hundred years ago schools "broke" lefties and turned them into righties. It's estimated that seven to ten percent of the population is left-handed, so plenty of people were just plain wrong, perhaps even evil, in society's eyes.

Imagine the internal stress for a young boy in those days who yearned to do the most natural thing in the world -- to pick up a pencil and draw with his left hand. But he knew he shouldn't. It was wrong. It's not what everyone expected. He'd be shamed if he used the wrong hand. But he already lived every day with the shame of his innate preference for the "wrong" hand.

Do you struggle with similar internal stress? Plenty of us do. It's being introverted in a family of extroverts. It's being extroverted in a family that expects silence. It's being a gentle soul in a workplace that expects you to be a shark. It's being a shark living in a monastery. It's wanting to live in the woods and paint when you're expected to live in a gated community and be a lawyer. It's wanting to live in a gated community and be a lawyer when everyone in your world values painters who live like Thoreau.

A few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to be at the Smithsonian when they brought out the rare Stradivari, and had virtuoso musicians play them. The sound that came from those ancient instruments! The skill with which they were played!

It seems that every instrument has one note it resonates to -- the note that is true and clear. When this note is played, the instrument transcends itself and the musician and creates a wholly new, marvelous thing. Singers, too, have this kind of resonate note. It's the note you sing when someone says, "Sing." It may be sharp or flat, high or low -- but it's your natural note. And when you sing it, your soul thrums.

Internal stress comes from having to sing another person's resonant note. You live in constant contradiction with your essential, true self. No thrum. Ever.

If you don't know your own internal resonant note, don't fear. You can find it. You may have repressed it in order to fit in, or, like our left-handed friend, to avoid shame -- but, believe me, it's still there inside you. How to find it?

Start by daring to live as your essential self. Be introverted if that's the way you were born. Be loud if that's how you really are. Be a goofball. Be serious. Be sentimental, be generous, be a hopeless romantic -- be whatever you are when you're truly, authentically your best self.

When you stop fighting your innate yearning, and just pick up that pencil in your left hand regardless of what people say -- you will have found your creative, true self.

To defeat your internal stress, all you have to do is dare to sing your own note.

In-box Management

Like most folks, I have a couple of different email in-boxes. One's more for work, one's more for fun, and one seems to be the catchall for hundreds of spam messages. That's right, hundreds -- every day.

I get messages for products -- how do I put this delicately -- to enhance the size and prowess of a particular body part that's not a standard equipment on the female form. From these messages, I have learned that this particular body part requires quite a lot tending, in terms of medication, cremes, patches and powders. I had no idea. Always seemed rather straightforward to me: Stimulus. Response. Done.

Oh, and I get many touching messages from lonely young women who'd like to show me their pictures, dear things.

I had no idea that I had so many kinsmen who die in Africa, Latin America and China, leaving immense fortunes which can be mine if I cooperate with certain widowed wives of former dignitaries of said nations.

People write daily to sell me OEM software, whatever that is, and "genuine replica watches". Let's see, it's "genuine" and "replica" -- sounds surprisingly like "fake".

The other day I received a message from the unfortunately named "Cosimo Kiang", who wanted to give me $500, just for clicking a button. Where do they manufacture these names, anyway? Throwing darts at a phone book?

Every couple of days, I scan through these messages looking for an authentic message from a real person asking me a real question. This trolling and culling takes too much of my time, and I always worry that I've overlooked or deleted something of real importance.

I hate spam. It sucks my time and attention and gets me all distracted and fidgety.

But you know what? The deluge of stupid, time-wasting, ridiculous messages is not restricted to my email in-box. Nope, I get plenty of spam addressed to one other mailbox I sort through regularly -- the in-box between my ears.

You know these kinds of spam messages: Be thinner. Be younger. Be older. Be smoother. Be tougher. Be gentler. Be taller. Be sexier. Be buff. Be wealthy. Be #1. Be as self-sacrificing as Mother Teresa.

In short: Be something other than what you are.

The spam between my ears doesn't help me live my best possible life. It clogs me up, paralyzes me, helps me feel inadequate and unsuccessful. So, I've taken to sorting through and culling those messages, too. The good news is that I've finally arrived at the place where I receive the message, decide whether it's something to pay attention to or not, then click that old delete button.

So satisfying.

If you have a ton of spam in the in-box between your ears, maybe it's time to do a major purge. Better yet, set some filters so the most annoying, time consuming, distracting messages go to the trash before you ever see them!

The best messages are those that lift you up, reinforce the best part of you, remind you what makes you uniquely wonderful, prompt you to live authentically, and allow you to change that which holds you back.

The rest? A spam-like waste of time.

Life's Little Aggravations

A lovely man of my acquaintance rang me up this week and told me he enjoys what I write. I demurely blushed. Then, being the genial problem-solver extraordinaire that he is, he added: "Could you write something about living with day-to-day problems? Not everyone, you know, has problems in the workplace."

No, it's true that not everyone has problems in the workplace. Plenty of my gazillion-and-twelve readers don't even have a workplace! But nearly everyone is vexed by daily frustrations that add up to make them feel stressed and overwhelmed.

You know what I mean: The fellow at the baseball game who's drunk, spills everything and screams obscenities in front of your kindergartner. Your upstairs neighbor who seems to walk the floor in golf spikes every morning at 2am. The gal yakking on her cell phone while the traffic behind her piles up because she's not taking the right turn on red. The woman in the express checkout with a full basket, who, at the last minute, can't locate her checkbook or pen.

How, indeed, can one deal with those issues in a positive and purposeful way?

Ah, now we're getting to Michele's Big Vision Of Life. Prepare yourself -- there are several tenets we'll have to cover.

First, you can never know what's going on in another person's head unless they tell you. The woman in front of you in the checkout line may live alone with 56 cats, and that trip to the store may be her only interaction with another human being in the whole week. Her momentary connection with the clerk, and you, may mean more to her than you can ever know. The gal on the cell phone? She might be a doctor racing to the hospital, making sure the emergency orders she's issuing are absolutely understood by the oncology nurse on the other end of the line.

Since you can't know what's in another person's mind, you have two choices: decide they're purposefully making your life difficult, or, they're doing the best they can.

Guess which choice helps you feel more peaceful.

Second, people don't have to be exactly like you to be right. You may go to the store to get milk and eggs, but other people go there to get connection and affirmation. A little tolerance and acceptance of different motivations and expectations can go a long way toward reducing your frustration.

Folks are frustrated that other people aren't exactly like themselves in plenty of situations. I know churches where people are frustrated because not everyone in the congregation approaches worship the same way. I know offices where people are angry because not everyone is a driven Type-A who's wedded to his job. I know marriages in which both partners futilely endeavor to mold each other into their own shape. Each of these situations overlooks the big point -- we're all different, and vive la difference! Different outlooks, experiences and expectations bring richness and fullness to life. It certainly feels like I'm powerful and in control when I think "it would be better if everyone were just like me!", but what that really is... is fear. It's the fear of that which challenges my comfort zone.

Third, you can operate out of fear or you can operate out of love. When you operate out of fear, you limit your world view to that which cannot hurt you. Fear doesn't allow you to question your own beliefs, or analyze your own mistakes, or even consider that someone else might have a valid point. Fear is a closed, keep-myself-safe approach. Fear is "if he really knew what I was like inside, he'd leave me, so I'm going to keep my true Self hidden and hope for the best." That particular fear leads to a horrible death -- the death of the sense of who you really are and of what's important to you. It's the death of true authenticity.

Love, on the other hand, is transparent, authentic and open. Love is all those things we've read -- patient and kind, understanding and tolerant, hopes all things and endures all things. Love truly covers all transgressions. Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite writers, said that love exists when I create a safe place for another person to be fully himself. Even if when they're being fully themselves they tick me off. Between you and me, that's when I lovingly give them a whole lotta space to be fully themselves.

Because coming from love does not mean you abandon your boundaries or forget your limits. No, keeping those intact help keep you intact. Coming from love doesn't mean you're a doormat, either. Coming from love simply means living life with freedom from fear.

When daily life vexes you, you have a choice. You can come from a place of fear, with the expectation that you're going to be hurt, or you can come from a place of love, and the expectation that, although you can't know what motivates another person, you can be charitable, kind and open to learning something new from them. And about yourself.

If we could all shift away from fear and toward love, our collective vexation would diminish. Wouldn't that be something? It would be as if the entire world stepped back, took a giant exhale and relaxed.

And that would be Michele's Big Vision Of Life.

(How's that, Jack?)

Having Fun

So this woman calls me last week. Says she's happy -- really happy -- doesn't need a coach really. Just wants to talk. Well, maybe there is just this one thing. Kinda small. Not a big deal.

See, she's got this job she doesn't really like but it pays pretty well -- you don't have to LOVE your work, right? You just have to get the check and support your lifestyle, even if the job is a soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end. I mean, she does the job very well.

Oh, and, by the way, she's got a four hour daily commute to the soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end job she only does for the money. She doesn't have time to connect with her husband. She feels guilty when she misses activities with her kids, so she schedules them into lots of stuff -- she's gotta work to pay for all that, right? And, for herself? No time for book club, no time for gardening, no time for nuthin'.

I have to tell you, I really liked this woman. She's smart, she's well-spoken, she's caring and kind. She's got so much going for her. And, like a lot of us, she's completely stuck in a rut.

If you're stuck in some kind of rut yourself, there is nothing better to do than incorporate some fun into your life.

Yes,that's what I said: fun.

Next to money and sex, fun is one of the most difficult things for us grown-ups to talk about. It's as if having fun is irresponsible once you crest a certain threshold of adulthood. But...

Think about when you're having fun. You're excited, you're laughing, you're in the moment -- you're happy. The Buddhists suggest "child's mind" when tackling a new problem (or just walking through your life) -- fun and play are the best ways to achieve child's mind. Jesus taught that the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like little children. And, how do children like to spend their time? Why, by having fun!

So, let me ask you: Are you playing every day? Are you having fun?

Take a moment to have some fun today. Clear off the coffee table and play mini-hockey with your kids. Do a cannonball off the high dive. Dance. Take your husband to the go-kart track and race. Giggle. Paint your mother's portrait with finger paints. Hang a spoon off your nose at dinner. Buy some Play-Doh. Have a water balloon fight. Hopscotch.

Have no purpose to your fun. Forget the teaching moments. Just play. Play and relax.

You're never too old for fun. Fun is never inappropriate. In fact, fun is catching. If folks see you have fun, they'll have fun themselves.

If your work is not fun, try to incorporate some fun into it. If you can't, find something more fun to do. Yes, your lifestyle may change. But that can be OK. It's happened before. After a divorce, Karen drops the country club and joins a hiking club. After successfully beating cancer, John leaves his job and starts teaching school. When the kids leave for college, Hannah and George sell the big house and spend a year sailing the Caribbean. A woman wakes up one morning and realizes there is more to life than a four hour commute, and makes some changes.

How you live is completely up to you -- if your lifestyle interferes with living your life, ditch the lifestyle for something much more real and much more fun.

Authentically You

There was a time in my life when I said "yes" when I meant "no", and "no" when I meant "yes". Looking back, I realize I did it because that's what I thought people wanted from me. And I wanted to be the person folks wanted me to be.

I said "yes" so often that my friend Fran gave me a t-shirt which read "Stop Me Before I Volunteer Again" which I wore to the next PTA meeting. I happened to be the PTA President at the time. Excellent team building message, don't you think?

I said "yes" because saying "no" might have meant someone would be unhappy with me. It made no nevermind if I was unhappy. My own need to be liked was more important than my need to be happy.

And I was not happy. Because I was not allowing myself to be authentically Michele. I was allowing others to determine who I might be. Power, power -- who's got the power? It was anybody but me.

I just re-read a book I've learned so much from: The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson. The approach Payson takes in this book -- what living with, working with, or being raised by a narcissist does to a person's self-esteem, coping mechanisms and future relationships -- is insightful. But I got something new from my recent re-read -- the idea of self-reflection as an indicator of emotional and mental health.

People with a character disorder, such as narcissism, are incapable of self-reflection. I also think people who are sleep-walking through their lives often avoid self-reflection or self-observation because they are afraid of waking up and living fully. Maybe they are afraid of being authentically themselves.

I am here to tell you that self-reflection is the path to authentic living. When you know who you are, how you feel and what you like -- not what others want you to be, feel or like -- and you live it, that's authenticity, baby.

There's an index card on my computer monitor. On it are scratched three simple questions. For me, they are the heart of my own self-reflection.

1. Why have I drawn this experience to me at this time?
2. What is this experience trying to teach me?
3. How can I use this situation to help me be a better person?

I refer to this card so often that these three questions have become my intuitive framework, especially when I am tempted to say "yes" when I really want to say "no". The opportunity to say "no", and mean it, often comes to me when I need to remember to keep my boundaries intact. Sometimes, it comes as a chance to help maintain my priorities -- and not take responsibility for executing yours. I've learned that when I focus on executing other people's priorities, it's frequently at the expense of my own.

Every single time I say "no" when I want to say "no", I reinforce that I am a Self worth being. All by myself. Regardless of whether you like me and my answer to your request, or not. When I stand up for myself, I am standing for my own authentic Me. That is a shift from my old way of being, and it feels really good. It feels like I am expressing my true self.

And, boy howdy, I become a better person when I only say "yes" when I mean "yes". I do a better job. I'm not overcommitted. I'm more focused. I say "yes" because I really and truly want to do what's asked of me. Believe me, if I say "yes", you are going to see and feel my passion.

Being authentically me means that I honor my choices, and I honor my abilities. I'm living my passions. I'm feeling all my feelings. And expressing them. And when I'm authentically me, I make space for you to be authentically you. How? Because it's perfectly OK with me if you are mad, happy, sad, silly, loving, offbeat, generous, hurt, wacky or meditative. Because I'm all those things, too.