Centered Enthusiasm

I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It's an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it's spring that's doing it. There's that moment in winter -- some bitter Tuesday in February -- when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that's what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday's free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you'd like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 "Be with positive people" prompted a couple of questions -- how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you're not even aware of their negativity -- because they're your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who's negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down -- they're likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side -- they're likely negative. If they use a lot of words like "can't", "won't" and "shouldn't" -- negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. "My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?" you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos -- simply say, "Gosh, sounds like you're really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I'm going to go into the next room, and when you're ready to talk calmly, come get me." Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I'd sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I'm standing in front of a bear. Ain't no bear in the neighborhood, but I'm behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I'll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you're surrounded on every side by negativity, all you'll see is the bad. You'll never see the happy buds of spring, you'll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I'm going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call "centered enthusiasm" -- I know what's going on in my world, and I'm still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don't you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn't shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead -- allow the unfurling to begin.

Christmagical

I have the most fabulous teenaged daughter. Sure, she turned to me recently -- we were at the Gap and I was singing along with Mick Jagger, doing my best version of the White Woman's Boogie -- and asked, "Were you born embarrassing?" OK, I don't hold that against her. She's almost thirteen. She's supposed to find me utterly embarrassing. It's her job.

She's on the cusp of a life passage -- less child, more woman. As a result, she sees things from both perspectives. Both wise and wondering.

The other day as we turned a corner we spied lavish and ornate Christmas decorations. She exclaimed with the absolute delight of a child, "Mom, it's Christmagical!"

Would that we all could look at this time of year as magical. But it's hard, isn't it? So much to do. Get a tree. Get it off the car, into the house and on the stand. Haul out the decorations. Well, first you have to find them among the clutter you piled over them in the last twelve months. And buy a new package of those little hooks. Decorate the tree. Get gifts. Special, meaningful, perfect gifts. Wrap said gifts. Mail gifts. Shop for food. Cook food. Bake cookies.

Don't get me started on The Christmas Card Process. Or How To Fake Holiday Cheer To Get Through Yet Another Christmas Party.

Adult life is not very Christmagical.

This is the point where I could write about The True Meaning of Christmas, but I'll leave that to Linus (A Charlie Brown Christmas really says it all).

No, I'm going to say this: to really experience the fullness of everything Christmagical you just have to do one thing. You have to be open to unconditional receiving.

You have to be able to turn a corner and gasp because the decorations you see are so beautiful.

You have to allow yourself to tear up when you hear Vanessa Williams sing "Go Tell It On The Mountain."

You need to get to the place where you accept whatever's offered you with grace, and kindness, and an acknowledgment that other people are probably doing the best they can.

You have to be willing to let this great big, loving world we live in penetrate your grown up shell, and lift your heart.

You have to remember what it was like to be almost thirteen at Christmas. Remember what it was like to straddle childhood and adulthood -- and allow yourself hold on to the best of both in your life, right now.

That's when you will receive the greatest Christmas gift possible. And, it will be truly Christmagical.

It will be, quite simply, a very merry Christmas.

Solving Problems

Ever feel like the world is chock full of problems? There's a problem here, a problem there, and every problem screams for a solution. Ever consider how your life change if you knew, in your very marrow, that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world?

An emotional sponge takes on problems like a city bus takes on passengers -- and ends up feeling overloaded. Plenty of these good folk become my clients because they just can't cope with their burdens.

You know the type. They're the resilient, strong person who has faced plenty of adversity and has developed a sense that there's nothing they can't solve. Their shoulders are broad, and they can carry a huge load. So they keep taking on one tangled situation after another. They carry their kid's problems, their co-worker's problems, their mother's problems, their neighbor's problems and the problems of the woman in front of them in the checkout line. Her biggest complaint? Never enough time.

The emotional sponge can also be the person who defines himself by a willingness to "help". They want to lend a hand, pitch in, offer support. As a result, they say yes to everything. They organize every charity drive, political leafletting effort and recycling program in a hundred mile radius. And they're frazzled.

One more type of emotional sponge -- the person who's so uncertain about her own feelings so she takes on the emotions of those around her. If everyone else is worried about the price of tea in China, she adopts that worry as her own. Like a pinball, she bounces from feeling to feeling, and ends up drained and exhausted.

I was blessed to have a son who had no interest in tying his own shoes -- especially if I was limitlessly willing to get down on my knees and tie them for him. One day I realized that if he didn't learn to tie his shoes himself I might have to visit his college campus daily (not in my plan for 2012, honestly). When I stopped solving his problem for him, he learned to tie his shoes.

And so it is. Maybe we solve other people's problems because it makes us feel useful, or needed, or -- maybe we can admit this -- slightly superior. Regardless, when you take on the problems of others you prevent them from learning the skills to prioritize and solve their own problems.

Your "help" may actually make the problem persist.

Becoming real -- being comfortable in your own skin with who you are -- absolutely requires coming to terms with the idea that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world.

In fact, not every problem can be solved. (Death is permanent, for instance.)

Not every problem should be solved. (Because time alone may resolve it.)

And not every problem is really a problem. (We just make it so to satisfy our own needs.)

If you plant a seed in dirt, and water it, you don't know whether it's growing until a sprout shoots up. If you're worried about its progress and dig up the seed, you'll kill the plant.

The best course of action is to wait. Leave it alone. And trust.

Which is exactly what you do when you step back from the responsibility for fixing every problem. Wait. Watch. Trust.

And, chances are, when you stop solving the problems of the world, you'll have the time you need to focus on the problems that really matter -- your own.

I Am Not Superwoman

There appear to be many women who hope to convince themselves and the rest of us that they are perfect. Hair -- perfectly coiffed, colored and curled. Body -- athletic and toned. Wardrobe -- trendy, sexy and stylish. Children -- well-behaved high achievers. Husband -- handsome, wealthy, attentive.

They think they need to be Superwoman. They want everything to be perfect.

But, honey, I know what's going on inside.

In the push to be perfect, they feel anything but. Life is a series of experiences where they are not enough, and can't possibly do enough. They look at the women around them and feel inferior, and hide that they're totally struggling to keep up. They grit their teeth and smile through the stress of Superwoman expectations.

Because I'm a life coach, people often expect me to live that perfect life. Yesterday I was in a shop that sells my book Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living and the store manager said, looking down her aquiline nose at me, "Do you live what you write?" I smiled sweetly and said, "Absolutely."

And I do. But let me share a little something that may just make tomorrow a little easier for all you would-be Superwomen:

I am not Superwoman. Not even close.

Sometimes my only wardrobe concern is: Am I clean?

My house generally, at all times, needs vacuuming.

I have been known to feed my children take-out.

I often forget to return phone calls and am terrible at remembering birthdays.

I can overbook my calendar.

I am divorced.

No, I'm not Superwoman. And I'm really, really glad for that. Because what I am is 100% Michele. I have four priorities and if I can handle those every day, I am doing a pretty good job. Want to know what they are? Be present with my kids and everyone else I meet. Care for my physical, financial, emotional and spiritual health. Learn. Lead.

That's it. That's all. Hair, nails, make-up, shoes? If I get to it, I get to it.

Yep, I am Imperfecta Girl, and I absolutely 100% love my perfectly imperfect life.

If you're struggling to get it right, to be perfect, to have it all, let me ask you: Can you get to the place where you give up attempting to be a mythical Superwoman, and find the place where you're a true Imperfecta Girl -- authentically yourself, happy with exactly what you have, comfortable in your own skin, serving your own priorities? Go on, give it a try. All you have to lose is stress. All you have to gain is your true self. And it will be absolutely OK with me if you don't do it perfectly.

W-O-R-K (A Four Letter Word)

Time for a gut check. Do you like what you do?

You get up each morning and get ready for your day -- what's that like? Are you eager? Procrastinating? Measured? Rushed? Let me ask you this: Are you happy at the prospect of going to work?

I imagine there's someone reading this right now who scoffs at the very idea. "Michele," this person wants to say, "work is work. You're not supposed to like it! Work's just something you do to pay the bills and get financial security so someday you can retire and do whatever you daggone well please."

Hmmn. So, let me get this straight. I am supposed to work for forty years at a job I detest just so I can retire and get the freedom I postponed? How in the world does this make sense?

But it's a widely held view. And it governs us in so many ways.

A friend lamented that her teenage son has no drive. No ambition. No idea of what he wants to do. He isn't interested in getting a summer job. My friend is contemplating grounding him unless he finds a job, any job. Doesn't matter what he does, just as long as he works.

"Why do you think he doesn't want to work?" she asked. Maybe it's because all he hears is his mom and his dad complaining about their own jobs. He looks at his father and sees a man who misses games, and assemblies, and sports banquets because of the demands of his job. Who's distracted and on his Blackberry when he is home. Maybe he sees a mom who's frazzled and frantically juggling all the family elements that make up the boy's entire universe -- school, home, sports, friends.

With this kind of role model around work, who would want to get a job?

The secret to being happy is this: do more of what you like and are good at, and do less of what you dislike -- even if you are good at it. I, for example, dislike spreadsheets. Especially spreadsheets regarding historical spending, actual spending and proposed spending. They give me a headache. However, despite the pounding in my head, I am good at deciphering those kinds of spreadsheets and can be an active participant in discussions about them.

However, if I had a job that was solely spreadsheets, I'd be a morose blob of bleah.

I know a woman who is an accountant and has been at the same job for fifteen years. She goes in each day, does her work, goes home. It's a blob of bleah. She knows she's not really happy, but she's competent and that's all work is about, right? When you probe, you find out that what she'd really like to do is teach. The idea of teaching math to kids makes her whole face light up. But, she'll tell you, how could she possibly take the pay cut?

And, I ask: What's the price of being happier?

Maybe not as much as you think. It's a funny thing. When you start to do more of what you love, so much shifts. Time and time again, I have seen people take a "pay cut" and live richer lives. Either they find they need less than they thought, or they find that their priorities shift and needing that expensive suit, that keeping-up-with-the-Joneses vacation, that nifty sports car -- just not important. Those "things" were only used to fill the gap that happiness now fills.

Or they find that they get paid more than they ever expected. They get salary increases, and bonuses. If they own their own business, clients flood in. Why? Because they are on fire about doing what they love. People who are passionate about what they do attract business and opportunities.

Wouldn't you recruit a teacher that all the students, parents and faculty adored? Wouldn't you want an accountant who found beauty and joy in numbers? Wouldn't you hire a coach who loves what she does?

Work doesn't have to be a four letter word. When you live a life of your own design -- doing what you love and are good at -- you'll find that even work feels like fun. And each day is a joy. And your kids can't wait to get a summer job.

Repeal HAFTA!

It's a political year, friends. So give me a minute to scramble up on my soapbox while I enter the fray.

Ahem.

There's a lot of talk about change these days. Change with a purpose is a good thing. It's time for big change, ladies and gentlemen. And I am going to propose a sweeping change for the American people -- no, a sweeping change for the people of the world.

I'm not talking about ending taxes, or cutting social programs, or combating global climate change. I'm not talking about reform of labor laws, or a change to the legislative process. I'm not advocating a repeal of the Part 33 Rewrite of the Telecommunications Act. I'm not going to open that can of worms. Nor am I going to discuss NAFTA.

No, it's not NAFTA I'm after. It's "hafta".

Friends, it's time we stop allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed and stressed by all the things we hafta do. It's time to stand strong and declare that hafta is done, finished and over. There are no more things we hafta do. There are only things we choose to do.

The other morning, a beautiful, blue spring morning, I was driving along enjoying the blooming dogwoods, the eye-popping redbuds and the luminous rhododendrons along my route. At a stoplight, I spied a fit, spandex-clad woman pushing a jogging stroller. Her face was drawn up in a scowl, her body was tight, and she was pushing that stroller like Sisyphus with his rock. Only she was running downhill.

"Where's the joy?" was my first thought. There she was, on a staggeringly beautiful morning, out with her baby in the sunshine! What's not to like? But it was as if she was doing penance, or submitting to a purgative. Her body language transmitted, "I am doing this only because I have to. Everyone knows a baby has to be out in the fresh air at least twice a day. I can't wait until this is over."

Poor child.

How different if that woman were to turn her point-of-view around and say, "I am the luckiest woman on the face of the planet to have the opportunity to be out with my darling child on such a gorgeous morning." Imagine her body language under those circumstances.

Imagine your own.

What if your to-do list was blank, and the only things you had to do were things you are happy to do? That you choose to do? That give you energy and buoy your mood? Or, to use an idea of my friend and fellow coach Sharon Pfleiger, what if you could spend your time solely on the things on your "Get-To List"? As in "I get to plant my garden" or "I get to spend time with my best friend", or, my favorite, "I get to say what I feel."

Sure, there are things we don't like to do. Personally, I'm not too fond of trash duty. However, it must be done. I try to do this chore quickly and efficiently so I don't spend a ton of time on it. The recycling is sorted during the week, the bins are taken to the curb every Tuesday, and the compost pile gets a donation nearly daily. Could be yucky stuff. By not putting it off, or extending the amount of time it takes to finish the task, I make it easy -- which frees up time for me to do something I really like. Something from my get-to list.

Like take a walk with my kid.

When you find yourself so governed by have-tos that you have no time for get-tos, then it's time for change. It's time for hope. It's time, ladies and gentlemen, to repeal HAFTA.

Get Yourself Organized

Just can't seem to get organized? Feeling a bit out of control? A little swamped?

Join the club.

And, it's a mighty big club.

Organization may the single most problematic task for most of us, according to my completely unscientific poll of clients, friends and family. Oh, and the mailman. So, how about some tips on how to get organized?

Let me be frank here: if other people think you are disorganized but you are fine with how you live, then it's not a problem. For you. Of course, if you have 25 years of old newspapers stacked ceiling high, 85 cats and 43 cases of yams stacked in untidy pyramids throughout your house, you might want to consider that there's a problem... But it's up to you.

If your disorganization makes you late -- paying bills, keeping appointments, forgetting to take medication -- or prevents you from being truly happy, then you need to make some changes. Here's how:

Identify the problem. Take a notebook and walk around your home, or your office, and make a list of the areas that need attention. Be specific. "Hall closet" or "supply closet", rather than "whole house" or "everything". "Calendar" or "paying bills", rather than "time" or "money". Got it? Once you can identify the problem areas, you can make a plan to begin to attend to them. Cherry-pick the easiest task first, and if none of them seem easy, then pick the area where getting organized is going to have the biggest impact.

Break each problem area down into teeny-tiny little steps. For instance, take "paying bills". What's the optimal bill-paying process? Let's write it down. OK. The mail comes. What do you have to do? Get the mail out of the box. Next? Sort the mail. Pull out the bills. Then what? Put them in a file folder? Pay them on the spot? What feels best for you? No, not throwing them into the trash, as much as you're tempted. (Hey, I know your type.) Remember, what you resist persists, so if you hate paying bills and put it off, and off, and off, the problem will only get worse. So, make it as easy and painless as possible. And if you really, really can't get the task done, outsource it -- to your spouse, your eldest child, or hire a part-time personal assistant.

Tackle one problem at a time. We get overwhelmed when we try to pay the bills, organize the files, recast the calendar and write a strategic plan -- all within the same 20 minute time period. Setting yourself up for failure, that is. Take one project at a time (that pesky "Hall closet") and give yourself a realistic time frame for finishing it -- even if that realistic time frame is three weeks. Remember, if you hit the wall on your project, that's OK. Just keep on making teeny-tiny steps toward progress every day and soon enough the daggone closet will be tidy. That's when you get to execute the very best tip:

Give yourself a reward. Honest. Give yourself something nice for having to do such a boring/nasty/unpleasant task. Make it something you look forward to -- a solid hour of Guitar Hero, for instance; or, a long chat with your best friend. Link the reward with the action, Pavlov-style, and you will begin to look forward to knocking other tasks off your list.

The reward I love is free time. I figure that if I knock a project off thoroughly and don't have to come back to it, I can then loaf absolutely guilt-free. Honey, talk about an incentive! Find the reward that means as much to you and you'll find tackling overwhelming organizational tasks a snap.

How It's Going To Be

There's a fine line between being a dreamer and being a dictator.

Because when you are attached to a specific outcome, your single-minded drive toward your goal may make you blind to the feelings and needs of others.

Let's say you are in a new relationship. You have peeked ahead, and see what you don't currently have: children, a happy home and no financial worries, with that darling white picket fence. And you are deeply in love with the happy vision you've concocted. It's nice that a man came along to be inserted into the picture!

When (not if) something comes up which precludes you getting what you want-- it's going to take time and energy to finalize his divorce from his wife -- you become a petulant Veruca Salt, stamping her foot and saying, "Divorce her NOW!" Because you need what you want. You've assigned so much meaning to what you "need" that you're blinded you to the reality of who your boyfriend is and any feelings he might have around the end of his marriage. From your perspective, his divorce is just something standing in the way of your dreams.

Wait a sec. If every good marriage is based on a deep caring and friendship with the other person, does pressing your dream outcome allow you to be the kind of friend and partner your boyfriend needs? Could you be destroying the very opportunity you desire by being so doggedly determined to get what you want?

Let's say you want to change your life by starting your own business. You do the research, create a sound business plan, find a good opportunity, hire a lawyer and accountant, and draw up the legal papers. All good. You go so far as to envision what your first steps will be, how the place will feel, what each day will be like. OK, you're fine. Visualization is an excellent tool to direct you toward a positive outcome. But if you're so in love with the idea of you as the owner of a particular business in a particular location that you can't see the shortcomings, pitfalls and weaknesses of your plan, you may end up overruling your advisers and taking a deal that's not really in your best interest. Because you made up your mind about how it's going to be, and that's what it's going to be.

Let's say you're running for President of the United States and you are so focused on winning that you can't see that you're behind in delegates, behind in the popular vote, behind in fundraising and have rising negative opinion polls. By golly, you've made up your mind that you are going to be President and that blind ambition propels you toward an outcome that's growing more and more elusive. You stop listening to naysayers, surround yourself with "yes" people, and irreparably damage your public image with your frantic pursuit of your goal.

Honey, to reduce your stress and anxiety you've got to hold on loosely to your intended outcome. Loose enough to be able to grab on to an unexpected outcome that's even better than what you had in mind. You can do this when you form your intention, visualize your dream and then say:

"This or something better."

"This or something better" vs. "This is how it's going to be" is being fluid vs. being rigid. It's being present right here, right now, aware of the truth in this moment vs. being somewhere else, focused on what's not yet happened -- may not happen -- and totally unaware of the truth.

It's having arms wide open to serendipity vs. arms crossed against the chest with much foot stamping frustration.

Imagine lovingly whittling a hunk of wood into two parts -- a square peg and a round hole. You can spend your lifetime attempting to insert the square peg you've created into the round hole you love, but how to get it to fit?

You really only have two options: reduce the size of the square until it fits into the hole, or craft a new, larger square hole.

When you detach from your outcome, it's as if you've suddenly found a million unexpected holes in which the peg easily fits. When you have a good plan, and execute it to the best of your ability, and are then open to whatever happens, you will be amazed by the beautiful, happy, unexpected opportunities that present themselves.

Gratitudinous

I am grateful for:

Teenagers who aren't too cool to giggle with their mom.

Friends who throw parties. And let me tour their upstairs.

Crocuses.

The promise inspired by synthetic Easter basket grass.

Smart people who become business partners.

Resiliency.

England Dan and John Ford Coley. And ITunes.

Shoes that fit and look cute.

Love.

Great salads.

The ability to take chances.

Writers of books that make me think.

Friends who move to Costa Rica to start a new life.

Email.

Being able to express myself.

Kissing a baby's feet.

Creating.

The feet in sand, fingers in seawater kind of vacation.

Which I will be doing this week. So, enjoy yourselves in my absence. And remember: it's hard to be stressed when you're grateful. List the things you're grateful for... and it will be just like you're on vacation, too.

Saying Goodbye

It's hard to say goodbye. As Shakespeare so aptly put it, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." And in this life there is much to be parted from, often with much grief.

One man becomes suddenly, critically ill and must part with the idea of his youth and vigor.

One young mother loses her own mother, and must part with the idea of herself as someone's beloved child.

One man parts with his wedding ring after his wife's death, and lets go of the idea of himself as someone's husband.

One woman parts with her home and possessions and adjusts to the idea that she won't live independently for the rest of her life.

I've written about crisis and how it can change lives. Crisis forces a redefinition of who we are, and what's important to us. Altering those fundamental views about ourselves is, no surprise, life changing.

Catalytic crisis requires us to move from the cocoon of "known-self" to "unknown-self". Embracing the unknown is not something many of us handle particularly well... so, in the alternative, we cling fearfully, ferociously to our known-self.

Known-self may have worked for years. We're comfortable with all the rules in known-self -- and we can anticipate with confidence how we and others will act. Even if we know we're unhappy in our known-self, at least we know what to expect! Who wants to upset the apple cart? But when clinging to known-self feels like pain, you will change it. Sometimes it seems it takes a crisis to show us just how ill-fitting known-self has become.

The prospect of unknown-self is murky, and for those with control issues, it's precisely the unknowing that's so hard. Parting with a definition that really doesn't work should be, on its face, easy to do. However, parting with the known in favor of the unknown -- that seems scary. It's like emerging from the cocoon we've constructed as a worm and learning to live as a butterfly. None of the old rules seem to apply.

So, in those moments, remember: "parting is such sweet sorrow."

When you say goodbye to something old that no longer fits, you open space for something new. It's the opportunity for "new-self". Which could be something nicer, better, happier. Could be something that helps you live more fully. Could be something sweet.

Be open to the opportunity for change that life brings. Welcome it. Because it's your chance to flap your butterfly wings... and fly.

Life Is An Experiment

It has been brought to my attention that "deciding" is a subject that needs discussion. Deciding -- making a choice or a judgment about something -- can carry such overwhelming heavy freight that it seems so much easier to decide...not to decide.

Not doing anything, though, can prolong pain, suffering and unhappiness. In not deciding, friends, you stay firmly stuck.

So how do you make good decisions?

First, allow yourself this idea: Life Is An Experiment. When you're stuck, viewing yourself as a scientist who applies the scientific method to her hypotheses can give you a little room in which to move.

In the scientific method, you first make an observation and generate a hypothesis about what you observe. Then you come up with a predictable, rigorous way to challenge the hypothesis and you test it. If the data you collect in the test doesn't support the original hypothesis, you get to change your underlying thought -- and maybe move out of stuck.

Here's an example: A 14 year old guy at his first high school dance has this tightly held belief that no girl would possibly dance with him. He's never actually asked anyone to dance, mind you, but jumped right to a hypothesis, based on narrow observations of himself as a guy who is a little too skinny, or too fat, or too pimply, or too dorky. He thinks he's not quite right in so many ways, so he assumes all girls share his observations (many of us make this leap, so let's not be too hard on the lad).

Now, to test the hypothesis that no girl will dance with him: what can he do?

Why, he can ask a girl to dance.

My simple guideline is to test the hypothesis three times. So our young man needs to ask three girls to dance.

In his mind, as a scientist, he's not opening himself to three bouts of rejection. No, sirree. He's merely collecting three data points. Doesn't that feel easier?

If one girl says "yes", and one girl says "no", then his results are inconclusive. It's when he asks the third girl that his hypothesis is either proved or disproved.

But either way, look at what happened: he actually asked someone to dance. Regardless of whether Girl #3 dances or sits like a lump on a folding chair in the corner, our young man has actually put himself out there and done something he previously considered impossible. Just one girl saying "yes" tells him what's possible.

When you face an obstacle in your own life and your hypothesis is something like "this will never work", try the scientific method. Observe. Make a hypothesis. Construct a challenging test of your theory. Test it. Look at the results and change your theory if you need to.

When you view life as an experiment in which you simply collect data points, there is very little that needs to be perfect. You are just conducting tests that provide you with information you need to go forward.

Think of the hypotheses that may govern your life: "I can't lose weight", or "No one would hire me", or "I'm too old to find a new job", "I can't tell my mother how I really feel" -- and apply the scientific method.

Perhaps in the testing of your hypothesis you will find that the data don't truly support your thinking. It's simply your thinking that needs to change.

And then you'll be unstuck.

I Am, I Said

It's nice to have friends. It's especially nice to have friends like Lauri and Anne -- the kind of friends who drop by for tea and bring great ideas. Oh, and cookies. We cannot overlook the importance of cookies.

We sat the other day, sipping, munching thoughtfully, until Anne piped up with: "OK, so we were talking about something in the car on the way over and wanted to hear what you think."

I was actually thinking that the cookies were really good. But I'm often able to stretch my brain just a bit. "Uhmrrgh," I responded, through cookie crumbles, which means, "Bring it on."

"Ever notice how often we say 'I'm not' and how infrequently we say 'I am'?" Anne asked.

I was struck speechless by the simplicity of Anne's point.

Boy, we spend so much time thinking about what we're not.

Coming from "I'm not" is coming from a lack, or a deficit. "I'm not" means not enough -- not tall enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, not anything enough.

"I'm not" keeps us in a continual state of stress, feeling like we haven't/can't/won't get it all done. And we won't. Because we're not enough.

But if we could shift all those "I'm nots" to "I ams"... think of the difference. Owning your own strengths. Standing in your own power. Relying on what you've got, rather than what you haven't.

"I am"... good at taking care of my aging parents. "I am" ... a good mentor. "I am" ... a good friend. "I am" ... alive.

Recently I taught a teleclass to a group of students and heard myself saying, "I'm pretty good at networking." And I caught myself, internally, doing a self-check: was I bragging? Didn't Mama say, "Don't get too big for your britches. You're no better than anyone else?"

She sure did. But it didn't feel like bragging. It felt like truth. And, guess what? It is.

Make a list of your "I ams". Own your "I ams". Treasure them. They're your truths. They're what makes you, you.

And every time you find yourself stuck in "I'm not", turn it around and say a quick "I am". Such as, "OK, I'm not a 25 year old supermodel with more money than sense and no responsibilities, but I am..."

Go ahead -- fill in your own blank.

Internal Stress

A hundred years ago, society frowned upon those who were left-handed. In fact, the bias against lefties goes back quite a while. The Latin word referring to the left hand, sinister, means evil, while the word referring to the right hand, dexter, means correct. A hundred years ago schools "broke" lefties and turned them into righties. It's estimated that seven to ten percent of the population is left-handed, so plenty of people were just plain wrong, perhaps even evil, in society's eyes.

Imagine the internal stress for a young boy in those days who yearned to do the most natural thing in the world -- to pick up a pencil and draw with his left hand. But he knew he shouldn't. It was wrong. It's not what everyone expected. He'd be shamed if he used the wrong hand. But he already lived every day with the shame of his innate preference for the "wrong" hand.

Do you struggle with similar internal stress? Plenty of us do. It's being introverted in a family of extroverts. It's being extroverted in a family that expects silence. It's being a gentle soul in a workplace that expects you to be a shark. It's being a shark living in a monastery. It's wanting to live in the woods and paint when you're expected to live in a gated community and be a lawyer. It's wanting to live in a gated community and be a lawyer when everyone in your world values painters who live like Thoreau.

A few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to be at the Smithsonian when they brought out the rare Stradivari, and had virtuoso musicians play them. The sound that came from those ancient instruments! The skill with which they were played!

It seems that every instrument has one note it resonates to -- the note that is true and clear. When this note is played, the instrument transcends itself and the musician and creates a wholly new, marvelous thing. Singers, too, have this kind of resonate note. It's the note you sing when someone says, "Sing." It may be sharp or flat, high or low -- but it's your natural note. And when you sing it, your soul thrums.

Internal stress comes from having to sing another person's resonant note. You live in constant contradiction with your essential, true self. No thrum. Ever.

If you don't know your own internal resonant note, don't fear. You can find it. You may have repressed it in order to fit in, or, like our left-handed friend, to avoid shame -- but, believe me, it's still there inside you. How to find it?

Start by daring to live as your essential self. Be introverted if that's the way you were born. Be loud if that's how you really are. Be a goofball. Be serious. Be sentimental, be generous, be a hopeless romantic -- be whatever you are when you're truly, authentically your best self.

When you stop fighting your innate yearning, and just pick up that pencil in your left hand regardless of what people say -- you will have found your creative, true self.

To defeat your internal stress, all you have to do is dare to sing your own note.

The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists

Ever had a relationship with Dr. Jekyll? Or was that Mr. Hyde? Whether it's your boss, your brother or your spouse, if you think you could be dealing with a narcissist you need to read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Familyby Eleanor Payson. Ellie was kind enough to answer some questions for me -- hopefully, you'll have an "Aha!" moment and know what to do:

How do you define narcissism to someone when they ask you “Hey, Ellie, I heard you wrote a book? What’s it about?"

When people use the word narcissist, or narcissistic in the informal context he/she may simply be referring to someone who is behaving selfishly or is self-absorbed in a given circumstance. On the other hand, in a more pathological sense narcissism references a pervasive preoccupation with self that is out of balance with a healthy give and take in his/her relationships. I should qualify here that this is particularly true of those inner circle relationships such as a significant other, close friends, or family members. In essence pathological degrees of narcissism reflect a disturbance that distorts a person’s relationship between “self and other.” The narcissistic individual is someone who has an undeveloped self, an immature “I,” and is compensating by striving to prop up a grandiose “me” (the false self of the narcissist.) In other words, his/her preoccupation with maintaining a grandiose me distorts and overrides an ability to give genuine consideration and regard for other(s).

When we think of the resources that are called narcissistic supplies we can begin to get a handle on what this means. Narcissistic supplies are those exchanges between people that foster the well being of each person in a relationship - well being that comes from knowing that we are individuals of value, special and important just because we breathe, just because we exist. A person with a healthy self is able to exchange an unconditional regard (verbally and nonverbally) in his/her relationships. This presence of unconditional regard may be seen in the admiring gleam in our eyes, a spoken appreciation, an effortful listening that seeks to understand and empathize, a willingness to hold ourselves accountable for injuries we may have caused, and so on. Someone who is narcissistically defended inevitably requires many more “strokes” of affirmation, recognition, efforts at understanding, support, etc., than they are able to give. In fact, there is a kind of obliviousness to the recognition of these exchanges in the unconditional sense. This is because the narcissistic individual is externally focused on conditional realities for maintaining the grandiose me such as; how much power and status one has, how beautiful or handsome one is, how effective in his/her career one is, etc. These external realities become the source of pseudo affirmation, and the narcissist is inevitably desperately attached to the maintenance of these external realities for self-worth. The individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can barely acknowledge what is meant by unconditional regard of self and other. Consequently, the narcissist requires an endless supply of affirmation to keep his/her false, or substitute self, intact. Ironically, the narcissist is unable to make use of unconditional affirmation as true nourishment and similarly unable to give it.

How does a narcissist tip his hand? How do you know he's a narcissist and not just a jerk?

Often the slang expressions of “jerk,” and perhaps more colorful terms, do seem to be the layperson’s language for describing narcissistic traits in a person. However, once we have “vented our spleen” we may want to take a deeper look at the person and our relationship so that we can act wisely and at times with the imperative for self-preservation. We may discover that there is more healthy substance to the person than we thought, or perhaps the opposite. The surface presentation of a person can appear to have any quality – from “jerk” to “charmer” to “sophisticate, intellectual, drama queen/king, officious professional,” etc. It is what exists under the surface (or perhaps more to the point - what does not exist under the surface) that we want to recognize. Developing discernment in taking the full measure of a person and the full measure of ourselves is what we must learn if we want to have more fulfilling and mature relationships. The misleading facade of individuals with personality disorders is the danger to be on the lookout for, and we can be tantalizingly tempted to forego the effortful discovery process. If we miss the presence of a deeper disturbance such as the narcissistic personality disorder in a person, we may end up struggling for our very psychological, financial, or even physical survival.

A few of the clues that I cite in my book are:
Excessively:
- Requires attention, admiration, special consideration, recognition
- Demonstrates a grandiose sense of entitlement
- Manipulates and pursues his/her agenda (often relentlessly, tenaciously)
- Criticizes self and others
- Holds unrealistic expectations of self and others, alongside an over-estimation of self and his/her needs
- Demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life -- win/lose

Limited ability to:
- Fulfill mutually held “understandings.” Agreements seem to morph over time with creative "revisionist" ability
- Self-reflect and take ownership of a problem
- Tolerate anything perceived as criticism, or oversight
- Feel genuine or deep empathy for others
- Recognize the needs of others (except superficially)
- Recognize others as independent agents (separate selves)

These deeper limitations and disturbing defenses are inevitably camouflaged by the façade of some impressive or competent surface presentation mentioned earlier. The greatest danger here is that the outer demeanor often has a powerful aura of seduction emanating from a personality that projects the promise of larger than life charm, power, competence, originality, etc. The potency of this seduction is often so captivating that we can be induced into a kind of suspension of belief where our critical faculties for noticing distortions and inconsistencies are switched off. This is the crossroads, so to speak, of our own codependent tendencies that are necessary to heal if we really expect to steer clear of these dangerous relationships, or navigate them safely.


So, is narcissism treatable with therapy or drugs?

As far as the neurobiological issues that are involved, this is in many ways unchartered territory. However, I am always skeptical of individuals or approaches that lay claim to having all the answers from either the neurobiological side or the psychological side. In truth, we are a complex mix of both. Many individuals with a mental illness or a mental disorder will have what are called co-morbid issues, such as depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, that are in need of evaluation and treatment. Once we achieve relief from one or more of these conditions (sometimes through effective psychotropic medications) we stand a much better chance to develop a more effective self-observing ego that can allow greater possibilities for growth and change. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder almost without doubt have any number of co- morbid issues that once treated would allow him/her to function more appropriately.

What should someone who’s in a relationship with a narcissist do?

The first thing to do is reach out and get help and not stop until you feel that you have found someone who can validate and understand what you are going through. If the therapist is overly anxious and quick to dismiss the possibility that you are involved with someone with severe narcissism or perhaps full blown NPD then move on until you find a therapist who can appreciate the illusive nature of recognizing the realities of the problem. Then, second, commit to therapy to deal with your own issues (codependency, or a mix of narcissistic and codependency issues, etc.) and stay in the healing process as you utilize all the normal tools of therapy including books that can help with insight and empowerment. In therapy we need to be willing to work through our own blind spots, our shadow self as Carl Jung would call it. This is the only way out of our tendency to idealize which is often unconscious and compulsive. If there is any way of finding a support group or forming one, this is another invaluable tool.

Learning some immediate tools for asserting boundaries to create safety in these relationships is a must, and for this I believe, Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine is a must read. Since my book came out, I discovered books that I wish I had listed in my bibliography such as The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, and other books that have been published recently. Amazon.com offers excellent reviews for selecting these. On the home stretch of the healing process, coaching can be an invaluable tool for maintaining self-care and goals that lead to empowerment. Working with a coach like yourself, Michele, who is familiar with the depth of the issues and the importance for ongoing healing work is a true bonus.

Thanks for the plug, Ellie. To find out more about Eleanor Payson and her work, go to www.eleanorpayson.com

Doing Enough?

Raise your hand if you feel like you're not doing enough.

Accomplishments? Nothing major. Rewards? Few. Performance? Not as good as it could be. What still needs to be done? Everything.

If this sounds familiar, then you probably were on the phone with me this week, or buttonholed me at that party Friday night.

It seems so many people look at themselves with utter disappointment. What they do doesn't matter, and if it does matter then talking about it is bragging so... let's not talk about it. No time to rest. No time to reflect. More stuff to do. Got to keep moving.

The problem with this mindset is pretty clear. Thinking this way ratchets your stress level up to 11 on a 10 point scale, and never allows you the satisfaction of a job well done. When there's no satisfaction in what you're doing, there's no way to like what you're doing.

A man has a performance review at work. His supervisor and peers consistently rate his work at 4s and 5s, on a 5 point scale. He, however, rates himself at a 1 or a 2 on all categories. He's mystified at how his co-workers can rate him so high -- he doesn't believe them. Don't they know he's a failure? He could be doing so much more.

A woman feels she's disappointing her husband because she's not a gourmet cook, and her housekeeping skills are not so hot, especially with the baby in the picture and given her full-time job. She spends a lot of time apologizing. He says there's nothing to apologize about -- he loves the food she cooks and thinks she's a wonderful mother. She doesn't believe him. Doesn't he know she's a failure? She could be doing so much more.

Her husband feels he's disappointing her because he's not making as much money as her brother, and he's not as good with a power tool as most men. She tells him she's proud of his work and that power tools aren't that important, that she loves him and he's a good father. He doesn't believe her. Doesn't she know he's a failure? He could be doing so much more.

So whaddya gonna do? Well, let me suggest two things.

First, ask yourself: What will success look like? Put yourself in the successful mindset. What's your life like then? Make a list of all the elements that compose your successful life.

Now, look at your list. How realistic is it? How much is under your direct control? If success looks like taking time to write -- you can do that. If success looks like everyone obeying your commands with no argument -- you can't do that, sadly, even if you became a dictator. Dictators often die horribly messy deaths in their attempts to squash the thoughts and behaviors of others -- and who wants that?

Understand where your unrealistic definitions of success come from ("I want people to obey me because I hate arguments") and, instead of banging your head against the wall, learn some techniques to disagree effectively. You can start with the book Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny et al.

Second, take a few minutes to look at what you've really accomplished. At this time of year, I always sit down and write out 20 Things I Have Accomplished This Year. They can be ordinary things like: got the trash to the curb every week. Think that doesn't matter? Hey, what's the alternative? A huge pile of smelly trash spilling out all over your yard? Believe me, getting the trash to the curb matters! As does paying your bills on time, or getting a physical, or a colonoscopy, or training a new employee at the office. Getting through the budget process, or caring for an elderly parent, or making your kid's school lunches -- they all matter. And you've accomplished all of them.

But you haven't cured cancer. Or won the Nobel Peace Prize (unless you're Al Gore). OK. But your best friends and closest family would likely give you a prize for all you do for them. Am I right?

My guess is that you are probably doing enough. More than enough. Acknowledging that and giving yourself credit for it can help reduce your stress level. And, looking a hard look at your expectations of success laid next to your actual accomplishments can provide a roadmap for your future success. Your roadmap may show that you need to reallocate your time and attention -- and spend more time creating meaningful success and less time wallowing in your perceived failure.

Email Triage

Week before last I wrote about In-box Management and while many of you liked my highly figurative example of dealing with the spam between your ears, most of you would like tips to deal with the actual deluge of email you have to face on a daily basis.

I am glad to oblige. Let's get started.

The problem with email is twofold. First, there's too much of it in your in-box (we'll call that "inflow") and, second, you have to decide what to do with it ("outflow").

In medicine, "triage" is used to identify and manage the most acute cases, those in need of immediate attention. Guess what? Triage can also be used to manage your email effectively. All you have to do is identify what's most important, and deal with that first. Sounds simple enough, right?

Here are three tips to triage Inflow:

1) Have three different email accounts. One is your primary business email account. This is the account on your business card, and the one you give to professionals with whom you network. Your second account is for personal use -- this is the one you give your mother, your aunt Suzy, your layout cousin Frank and others. The third account is the one you use for online ordering, online games, online quizzes, whatever. This third account is your spam magnet, and will draw most of the junk. Then, you can spend quality time on your business email, some time on the family email and little or no time on the junk email.

2) Use email folders. Many email programs will allow you to change your settings so that email from a specific sender, or containing specific keywords, can be automatically directed into a folder. For instance, if you are working on a project with Tom Smith, you can specify that all messages containing his email address go into a Tom Smith folder. That makes staying on top of the project a breeze! Likewise, you can make all email containing Words You Would Have Gotten Smacked For Using In Front Of Your Mother go right into the trash. Setting up a priority system with your email folders can help you spend time on what's acutely important, and save the marginally important for another time.

3) Don't read your email all day long. It's a trap to have your email browser open all the time. If you are old enough, you remember when fax machines first hit the office. In my office, every time the fax machine signaled it had an incoming message the entire team gathered around to watch it come through. Who would it be for? What would it say? How important I would be if the fax was for ME! Over time, the novelty of faxes wore off (thank goodness), and we settled down to work. Today, the omnipresence of incoming messages means there is little time to actually think, or create, or evaluate. I suggest you check your email first thing in the morning, mid-day, at the end of the day. I know, I know -- you work in a culture that prizes always being available. Well, that's an awful lot like standing around watching a fax come in. Think of it this way: setting boundaries around reading your email gives you time to actually work!

Now, to Outflow. In my Stress Management class, I give a series of questions to ask when feeling stressed about a task. The very same questions can be applied to your email: Can I eliminate this? Can I do it another time? Can someone else do it?

Back in the dark ages (even before the fax machine, if you can believe it) there was an organizational school of thought best summed up by the phrase: "Touch it once." The idea being that a letter came in through the in-box on your desk (how quaint) and the goal was to touch it once -- read it and decide whether it needed to be filed, thrown out or acted upon. If it needed to be acted upon, you decided that before you put the paper down -- you wrote someone else's name on it and put it in the out-box, you called someone on the telephone to deal with it, or you wrote a new memo suggesting a meeting to settle the matter. Whatever you did, you didn't let paper hang around your in-box.

That's a good rule of thumb with virtual paper, too. Don't use your email in-box as a filing cabinet. Read the message; decide to do something with it or delete it; delegate it to someone else; call a meeting; print it out and post it anonymously on the employee bulletin board. Whatever you do, just touch it once, do something, and let it go.

The immediacy of email creates a false sense of importance. Only you can triage your email -- only you can decide what's important and needs immediate attention, and what's less critical and can wait. Many things clamor for your attention during the day -- honey, if you don't decide what matters, the clamor decides for you.

And the clamor doesn't always know what's best for you.

Standard Operating Procedure

The military invented the idea of Standard Operating Procedure. When in doubt, default to the SOP and, by taking the specified steps, your outcome will be exactly as the SOP predicts.

In my time in government, I came to think "SOP" really stood for "Same Old Plan". The Same Old Plan keeps things safe and comfortable -- and the outcome predictable.

Which is OK.

But not exactly creative. Or ground-breaking. Or exciting. Or quick. Or always right. In truth, the SOP doesn't have to solve the problem -- it just has to be followed.

I discovered that sometimes, in order to really solve the problem, you have to throw out the SOP in favor of a NIP. A New Innovative Plan.

To build a NIP, all you have to do is exactly the opposite of what the SOP requires. There's an old joke that goes something like this: "Man: 'Doctor, it hurts when I go like this' (banging his head against the table) Doctor: 'The cure is simple. Stop banging your head against the table.'"

Plain and simple -- a NIP keeps you from banging your head against the table. Here's a helpful way to decide if you need a NIP or an SOP -- if a SOP works, keep doing it. But if it's not working, NIP it in the bud. [I crack myself up.]

If your weight loss plan isn't working, take a look at your SOP. Not the SOP you tell everyone, but the SOP you actually follow, which is something like: "I'll get started on my diet tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to have this half gallon of ice cream." Remember, your NIP is the exact opposite of what you usually do, so your NIP is, "I'm starting right now and not eating the ice cream."

Want better communication with your teenager? Look at how you're communicating now. If your SOP is lectures, edicts and nagging, do you really wonder why she won't talk with you? Try the opposite -- listening, asking questions and showing respect for her opinions. You may not see a cleaner room, but you'll definitely have a better relationship.

"I keep meeting the same kind of guys," says a single woman. "They're irresponsible and all they want is a good time." OK. "Where are you looking?" she's asked. "Oh, in strip clubs, off-track betting shops and at dog fights. I guess there just aren't any respectable men left." Oh, there are plenty of them -- in places opposite to where you're looking. Try libraries, offices, dog parks, animal shelters, shopping malls, churches, synagogues, mosques and Buddhist meditation centers. For a start.

In the places in your life where you're stuck, take a look at your SOP. If it's not working for you, if you're not making the change you really, really want, then give a NIP a try. Do the exact opposite of what you've been doing, and watch your progress.

There's a disputed quote, attributed to both Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein, defining insanity as "doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different outcome." In that light, following a SOP is often an insane course. The NIP, however, is a pretty sane approach, don't you think?

You can attribute that one to me.

Life's Little Aggravations

A lovely man of my acquaintance rang me up this week and told me he enjoys what I write. I demurely blushed. Then, being the genial problem-solver extraordinaire that he is, he added: "Could you write something about living with day-to-day problems? Not everyone, you know, has problems in the workplace."

No, it's true that not everyone has problems in the workplace. Plenty of my gazillion-and-twelve readers don't even have a workplace! But nearly everyone is vexed by daily frustrations that add up to make them feel stressed and overwhelmed.

You know what I mean: The fellow at the baseball game who's drunk, spills everything and screams obscenities in front of your kindergartner. Your upstairs neighbor who seems to walk the floor in golf spikes every morning at 2am. The gal yakking on her cell phone while the traffic behind her piles up because she's not taking the right turn on red. The woman in the express checkout with a full basket, who, at the last minute, can't locate her checkbook or pen.

How, indeed, can one deal with those issues in a positive and purposeful way?

Ah, now we're getting to Michele's Big Vision Of Life. Prepare yourself -- there are several tenets we'll have to cover.

First, you can never know what's going on in another person's head unless they tell you. The woman in front of you in the checkout line may live alone with 56 cats, and that trip to the store may be her only interaction with another human being in the whole week. Her momentary connection with the clerk, and you, may mean more to her than you can ever know. The gal on the cell phone? She might be a doctor racing to the hospital, making sure the emergency orders she's issuing are absolutely understood by the oncology nurse on the other end of the line.

Since you can't know what's in another person's mind, you have two choices: decide they're purposefully making your life difficult, or, they're doing the best they can.

Guess which choice helps you feel more peaceful.

Second, people don't have to be exactly like you to be right. You may go to the store to get milk and eggs, but other people go there to get connection and affirmation. A little tolerance and acceptance of different motivations and expectations can go a long way toward reducing your frustration.

Folks are frustrated that other people aren't exactly like themselves in plenty of situations. I know churches where people are frustrated because not everyone in the congregation approaches worship the same way. I know offices where people are angry because not everyone is a driven Type-A who's wedded to his job. I know marriages in which both partners futilely endeavor to mold each other into their own shape. Each of these situations overlooks the big point -- we're all different, and vive la difference! Different outlooks, experiences and expectations bring richness and fullness to life. It certainly feels like I'm powerful and in control when I think "it would be better if everyone were just like me!", but what that really is... is fear. It's the fear of that which challenges my comfort zone.

Third, you can operate out of fear or you can operate out of love. When you operate out of fear, you limit your world view to that which cannot hurt you. Fear doesn't allow you to question your own beliefs, or analyze your own mistakes, or even consider that someone else might have a valid point. Fear is a closed, keep-myself-safe approach. Fear is "if he really knew what I was like inside, he'd leave me, so I'm going to keep my true Self hidden and hope for the best." That particular fear leads to a horrible death -- the death of the sense of who you really are and of what's important to you. It's the death of true authenticity.

Love, on the other hand, is transparent, authentic and open. Love is all those things we've read -- patient and kind, understanding and tolerant, hopes all things and endures all things. Love truly covers all transgressions. Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite writers, said that love exists when I create a safe place for another person to be fully himself. Even if when they're being fully themselves they tick me off. Between you and me, that's when I lovingly give them a whole lotta space to be fully themselves.

Because coming from love does not mean you abandon your boundaries or forget your limits. No, keeping those intact help keep you intact. Coming from love doesn't mean you're a doormat, either. Coming from love simply means living life with freedom from fear.

When daily life vexes you, you have a choice. You can come from a place of fear, with the expectation that you're going to be hurt, or you can come from a place of love, and the expectation that, although you can't know what motivates another person, you can be charitable, kind and open to learning something new from them. And about yourself.

If we could all shift away from fear and toward love, our collective vexation would diminish. Wouldn't that be something? It would be as if the entire world stepped back, took a giant exhale and relaxed.

And that would be Michele's Big Vision Of Life.

(How's that, Jack?)

Risky Business

Back in the summer of 1972, "Stuck In The Middle With You" was a hit for a band called Stealers Wheel -- the song was written by bandmates Gerry Rafferty and Joe Egan. Know the lyrics?

"Well I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I'll fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you

"Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control yeah, I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you."

It's no fun being stuck between clowns and jokers. Feels like whatever way you go, you'll lose. Nothing will ever change. Net effect? You stay on your chair, trying desperately not to fall off.

When you're stuck -- stuck like Krazy Glue, or in a rut that's so deep you can't see a way out -- you could take a stab at writing a hit song... or, you could just try something else.

That's my advice. That's all. Just try something else. Something risky.

Risk, I've found, is the best way to overcome being stuck. Taking a small risk every day moves you, perhaps ever so slightly away from your fear and toward happiness. Taking a small risk every day inches your comfort zone out just a tad. Before you know it, you're no longer stuck -- you're out and moving, and have left the clowns and jokers behind.

I often suggest people go up to that which troubles them the most and shake that fear's hand. Often, the fear's not so big, bad and scary when you look it in the eye. Let's say your biggest stuck area is at work. You feel you can't say what needs to be said, that you are not respected and are taken for granted. Sound familiar?

So you need to get heard and have your voice respected. Big goal. Let's break it down into smaller bits...OK, for you, a teeny tiny risk might be to make a point at a meeting. Just one. You don't have to execute a coup d'etat, or monopolize, or bust heads. Just take a teeny tiny risk by speaking up instead of sitting and seething, and begin to claim your power.

Granted, ideas about what a risk is may differ widely. Volunteering to honcho a project at work may seem a huge risk to the introvert. A woman who does so much for others could find her risk in buying herself something nice. A man who worries that the life has gone out of his marriage may take a risk when he tells his wife he loves and admires her and wants the marriage to work. The widow make make her risk when she picks up the phone and connects with a friend.

How do you know if it's a risk? If it feels like a risk, it probably is. For me, risk feels like a little frisson of anxiety that bubbles in my belly, mixed with a tiny closure of the throat. But that's just me...

When I feel that feeling I know I'm facing a challenge -- and I try to push myself to address it. At least part of it. Remember, risk is about enlarging your comfort zone so you can grow and become fuller and more happy. Risk is not about hurting yourself or others. Taking a little risk every day is a discipline that pays off when you look at your life and realize, hey, there's nothing holding me back. I'm not afraid! I'm not stuck in the middle! The only folks still stuck there are the jokers and the clowns.

Having Fun

So this woman calls me last week. Says she's happy -- really happy -- doesn't need a coach really. Just wants to talk. Well, maybe there is just this one thing. Kinda small. Not a big deal.

See, she's got this job she doesn't really like but it pays pretty well -- you don't have to LOVE your work, right? You just have to get the check and support your lifestyle, even if the job is a soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end. I mean, she does the job very well.

Oh, and, by the way, she's got a four hour daily commute to the soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end job she only does for the money. She doesn't have time to connect with her husband. She feels guilty when she misses activities with her kids, so she schedules them into lots of stuff -- she's gotta work to pay for all that, right? And, for herself? No time for book club, no time for gardening, no time for nuthin'.

I have to tell you, I really liked this woman. She's smart, she's well-spoken, she's caring and kind. She's got so much going for her. And, like a lot of us, she's completely stuck in a rut.

If you're stuck in some kind of rut yourself, there is nothing better to do than incorporate some fun into your life.

Yes,that's what I said: fun.

Next to money and sex, fun is one of the most difficult things for us grown-ups to talk about. It's as if having fun is irresponsible once you crest a certain threshold of adulthood. But...

Think about when you're having fun. You're excited, you're laughing, you're in the moment -- you're happy. The Buddhists suggest "child's mind" when tackling a new problem (or just walking through your life) -- fun and play are the best ways to achieve child's mind. Jesus taught that the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like little children. And, how do children like to spend their time? Why, by having fun!

So, let me ask you: Are you playing every day? Are you having fun?

Take a moment to have some fun today. Clear off the coffee table and play mini-hockey with your kids. Do a cannonball off the high dive. Dance. Take your husband to the go-kart track and race. Giggle. Paint your mother's portrait with finger paints. Hang a spoon off your nose at dinner. Buy some Play-Doh. Have a water balloon fight. Hopscotch.

Have no purpose to your fun. Forget the teaching moments. Just play. Play and relax.

You're never too old for fun. Fun is never inappropriate. In fact, fun is catching. If folks see you have fun, they'll have fun themselves.

If your work is not fun, try to incorporate some fun into it. If you can't, find something more fun to do. Yes, your lifestyle may change. But that can be OK. It's happened before. After a divorce, Karen drops the country club and joins a hiking club. After successfully beating cancer, John leaves his job and starts teaching school. When the kids leave for college, Hannah and George sell the big house and spend a year sailing the Caribbean. A woman wakes up one morning and realizes there is more to life than a four hour commute, and makes some changes.

How you live is completely up to you -- if your lifestyle interferes with living your life, ditch the lifestyle for something much more real and much more fun.