What Do You Expect?

I have come to believe that expectations are at the root of the world's ills.

Expectations put us in a rut. Israeli expects Palestinian to hate Israeli, Palestinian expects the same from Israeli. Each acts proactively on those expectations and, boom, we have war. War that lasts for years and years.

Husband expects wife will be angry when he comes home late, wife expects he has no good excuse and, bang, we have an argument.

Woman expects she will fail because she always has, and, anyway, she's not really good enough -- who does she think she's kidding? -- and, pow, she doesn't get the promotion. Again.

All these foregone conclusions are based on expectations which may or may not be true. An Israeli might actually want to give compassionate medical care to a Palestinian. A Palestinian may wish to teach an Israeli child calculus -- but because of their underlying limiting expectations, neither do.

Author Byron Katie tells a story about a walk in the desert she once took. Katie, a woman of a certain age, was out walking alone in the desert near her home. Out of the corner of her eye, she glimpsed a snake. She froze.

A snake. A poisonous snake. The snake was going to bite her. She was going to be bitten by a poisonous snake and die a horrible, slow death in the desert. She'd die and no one would know what happened to her. She'd die alone, painfully, in the desert. Searchers would come eventually and find a pile of bones. She'd be all alone out there in the desert -- dead. Nothing but a pile of bones!

She opened one eye to see the demon snake who was going to kill her, and...it was a rope. Not a poisonous, ruinous snake. Just an old rope. Laughing, she stepped over it and continued her walk.

Expectations are like this. Expect to see a snake, and you will. Even if it's just a rope. You'll react to the rope as if it were a snake, when all you need to do is treat it as a rope and keep walking.

What if you lived your life if it were just an experiment? In the scientific method, there are no expectations of outcome. We do the experiment and see what happens. If it works, we keep doing it. If it doesn't, we stop. We try something new. And, there are no mistakes. What a lovely way to live!

Either/Or

"I can stay in my job and have enough money, or I can do what I love and be broke."

"I can't be happy as long as I'm married to Clyde."

"Since I have been a full-time parent for the last ten years, the only job I can possibly get won't pay very much."

All statements I have heard in the last month -- that's true.

But they're not true statements. Sure, they feel true to the folks saying them, but they're really either/or, black/white statements. They're what's called "limiting beliefs". Either/or statements like this serve a great purpose -- they keep us pretty well stuck.

Because... is it true that you have to be broke to do what you love? Hmmmn. Oprah looks like she loves what she does and she's doing all right. Bill Gates? He seems pretty happy. Steve Jobs is passionate about what he does, and he gets all the IStuff he can use. Bono gets to be a multi-millionaire rock star AND do good while wearing cool sunglasses.

Either/or statements serve as fear-based predictors of what's going to happen. If you go into a job interview with the mindset, "Since I've been a full-time parent for 10 years, I can't ask for too much" -- guess what? You won't. Confidence in your own self-worth is reflected in that thought, and you telegraph it to everyone you meet. How much stronger to say, "Even though I've been out of the workforce for 10 years, I bring great skills and excellent contacts -- I'm worth what they've budgeted for this position's salary."

Living in black/white, either/or land is one way to make sure you're always right. "I can't be happy if I'm married to Clyde" -- a popular kind of statement. Saying this, you will discard any experience that might show that you could be happy, or, heaven forbid, that you actually like Clyde. You will pursue, or maybe even create, opportunities to be unhappy with Clyde. What if you turned it around and figured ways to see if you could be happy with Clyde, oh, like, let's see: counseling, mutual hobbies, actually talking to him...

Often when we "can't be happy" it's not because of someone else, but because of something within ourselves. And we owe it to the Clydes of the world to work on that before laying our own dissatisfaction at their feet.

Living in the gray between black/white is the challenge, and the gift. It's saying, "I can lose weight while eating fewer carbs." It's saying, "I may have to start the work I love on the side or as a volunteer, while I keep my job for the income." It's "I can be happy with or without Clyde -- it's up to me."

There are "motivational speakers" out there who tout the idea "You CAN have it all." Which is, poppets, yet another black/white statement. The beauty of living in the gray is replacing "either/or" with "and". It's so much more balanced to believe, "I can have some of this and some of that," or, even more true, "I can have whatever I need."

Contrary to popular belief, life is not all or nothing. The key to getting unstuck is getting un-attached to the either/or thoughts that immobilize us, and recognizing them for the limiting beliefs they are.

In fashion, it's often said that this color or that color is the "new black". In life, the key to happiness is replacing black/white with the best of both -- to live in the shades of gray that are truly flattering.

Risky Business

Back in the summer of 1972, "Stuck In The Middle With You" was a hit for a band called Stealers Wheel -- the song was written by bandmates Gerry Rafferty and Joe Egan. Know the lyrics?

"Well I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I'll fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you

"Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control yeah, I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you."

It's no fun being stuck between clowns and jokers. Feels like whatever way you go, you'll lose. Nothing will ever change. Net effect? You stay on your chair, trying desperately not to fall off.

When you're stuck -- stuck like Krazy Glue, or in a rut that's so deep you can't see a way out -- you could take a stab at writing a hit song... or, you could just try something else.

That's my advice. That's all. Just try something else. Something risky.

Risk, I've found, is the best way to overcome being stuck. Taking a small risk every day moves you, perhaps ever so slightly away from your fear and toward happiness. Taking a small risk every day inches your comfort zone out just a tad. Before you know it, you're no longer stuck -- you're out and moving, and have left the clowns and jokers behind.

I often suggest people go up to that which troubles them the most and shake that fear's hand. Often, the fear's not so big, bad and scary when you look it in the eye. Let's say your biggest stuck area is at work. You feel you can't say what needs to be said, that you are not respected and are taken for granted. Sound familiar?

So you need to get heard and have your voice respected. Big goal. Let's break it down into smaller bits...OK, for you, a teeny tiny risk might be to make a point at a meeting. Just one. You don't have to execute a coup d'etat, or monopolize, or bust heads. Just take a teeny tiny risk by speaking up instead of sitting and seething, and begin to claim your power.

Granted, ideas about what a risk is may differ widely. Volunteering to honcho a project at work may seem a huge risk to the introvert. A woman who does so much for others could find her risk in buying herself something nice. A man who worries that the life has gone out of his marriage may take a risk when he tells his wife he loves and admires her and wants the marriage to work. The widow make make her risk when she picks up the phone and connects with a friend.

How do you know if it's a risk? If it feels like a risk, it probably is. For me, risk feels like a little frisson of anxiety that bubbles in my belly, mixed with a tiny closure of the throat. But that's just me...

When I feel that feeling I know I'm facing a challenge -- and I try to push myself to address it. At least part of it. Remember, risk is about enlarging your comfort zone so you can grow and become fuller and more happy. Risk is not about hurting yourself or others. Taking a little risk every day is a discipline that pays off when you look at your life and realize, hey, there's nothing holding me back. I'm not afraid! I'm not stuck in the middle! The only folks still stuck there are the jokers and the clowns.

What Coaching Is

Have you ever wondered what coaching is all about? Wondered whether coaching is for you?

Last week my former client Barb sent me the following testimonial -- and I think she sums up (quite nicely) the process and outcomes of coaching. So, with her permission, I share her thoughts with you:

"I had heard of life coaching through a friend and while a bit skeptical, I searched on line for a 'coach' who might help guide me through a stage where I welcomed not only career advice, but life directional advice as well. I came upon Michele's website and was, quite frankly, impressed with her credentials and yet the overall down-to-earth nature which came across in her writing. I found Michele to be not only very approachable, but very wise for (what I think is!) her age.

"A very good listener, Michele was able to quickly ascertain and summarize for me what my issues or roadblocks seemingly were; to put a voice to the things I intuitively felt were going on, but could not verbalize myself. Together we created goals, both career-wise and other, and followed my progress. Each time we talked I felt there were kernels of wisdom there; things I had not thought of before. A survey of my core values has helped remind me about where I am headed in life and how to change course if necessary. I recommend Michele as a life coach for both men and women as she is intuitive, helps one strategize and develop tactics, and as she is someone who can help you see the broader picture of your life when you might be bogged down by the daily details."

Thanks for the affirmation, Barb, and just for the record, I'm 47 years old -- having recently attended two birthday parties for a fabulous 80 year old and a fantastic 93 year old, I only hope I can grow to have the wisdom of those two birthday girls as the years pass.

Coaching is a results-oriented endeavor. If you are stuck, or feel you don't have a plan -- coaching can help. If you want to make change but aren't sure how to go about it, coaching can help. If you're in a crisis and need the support of an unbiased third party, coaching can help.

As your coach, I have one objective: I want you to succeed. To get where you need to go, I design a series of exercises, assessments and tools specific to you and to your objective. I'll use any tool, any approach, any resource necessary to get you where you want to go. No two clients get the same approach -- because no two clients have exactly the same backgrounds, experiences, ideas, feelings or goals.

Sometimes I'll be your teacher. Sometimes I'll be your mentor. Sometimes I'll be your cheerleader. And, always, I'll be your coach -- helping you reach farther, grow stronger, understand deeper.

That's my mission statement. And I have to tell you this: working with clients like Barb make coaching the best job I've ever had.