Ya Gotta Wanna

Considering making some changes here at the end of one year and the start of a brand spanking new one? Gonna lose weight? Stick to your budget? Change jobs? Travel to Bali? Find yourself that elusive soul mate?

Sure every year you make resolutions; but this year, by golly, you're really gonna do it.

Well, all I'm gonna say is, "Ya gotta wanna."

How many times have you found yourself in late December writing down the New Year's Resolution to Get Into Better Shape, and by February you find yourself couch potato sluggish -- not going to the gym you paid for, or even using those getting-dusty weights in the back of the closet?

My guess? You didn't really wanna get into shape.

Because if you did really wanna, you woulda.

The sneaky sabotage comes into play when we say one thing yet do another. We say we want to pay off our credit card debt yet we continually splurge on something we "deserve", or that makes us "feel better". Result? We end the year with two additional credit cards, and everything maxed out.

And we feel like a failure.

Which is, of course, why we didn't pay off the credit card in the first place.

When you feel like a failure, you create opportunities to remind yourself that you are, indeed, a failure. What does a failure do? Why, fail! So, you fail to pay your bills on time -- and the nastygrams from your creditors reinforce your idea about yourself... that you're a loser. You fail to eat healthy food and moderately exercise, and what happens? Why, you gain weight, lose muscle tone and feel... bleah. But isn't that how a failure is supposed to feel?

To turn this around, there is only one thing you can do. And you gotta wanna. You gotta wanna move from failure to success. Really, really wanna. Ready?

Take out a piece of paper. Oh, and a pen. Or pencil. Or fat crayon. Something handy. OK. List the following categories and leave enough space between them to write four or five things under each. The categories are: Career; Money; Health; Physical Environment (your living conditions); Family/Friends; Significant Other/Romance; Personal Growth (continuing education, spiritual growth, etc.); and, Fun & Recreation.

Focus on what you did, rather than what you didn't. That's a switch, huh?

When you're finished, look at your list of accomplishments for the year. Any patterns? Anything interesting? What's that tell you about your year?

This was a tough year for a client of mine, Susan. A year ago, she lost her senior executive position due to an industry shake-up. Then both parents got ill, and she became their legal custodian. She arranged for their care, took responsibility for finances, coordinated with the extended family. A full-time job -- while she was looking for a full-time job. In the last three months, her father died and her sister unexpectedly died -- and her mother remains ill.

But.

In the last year, she rekindled friendships. She moved to her dream city. She put lovely things into her new home. She made smart financial decisions. She exercised. She traveled. She continued to expand her professional network. She sought support when she needed it. She took care of herself.

Although Susan might say, "2007 was a lost year", her list would indicate that she actually made some important steps. Sure, she did what she had to. But the things she really, really wanted to do? She got those done, too.

When you shift your thoughts from "look at what a mess I am" to "look at what I've done", you shift your perspective from perpetual loser to resilient achiever. Even if your achievements are small, they are still yours.

"Michele", you say."What's the point? I only made accomplishments in areas that really don't matter. I still don't have (a partner, a great job, a million dollars)." I, in my most wise Yoda-like way will ask, "Why are you afraid of leaving Loserville and moving into Successville? What's keeping you from claiming all of your power and accomplishments? What benefit do you get from believing that what you do doesn't matter?"

Getting rid of your negative beliefs about yourself is the key to making progress on any New Year's resolutions you may make. Shifting from a sense of limitation and lack to an awareness of opportunities and abundance completely changes your life. Things become more effortless, you become happier. Believe me, it can be done and you can get there.

But ya really gotta wanna.

What Do You Expect?

I have come to believe that expectations are at the root of the world's ills.

Expectations put us in a rut. Israeli expects Palestinian to hate Israeli, Palestinian expects the same from Israeli. Each acts proactively on those expectations and, boom, we have war. War that lasts for years and years.

Husband expects wife will be angry when he comes home late, wife expects he has no good excuse and, bang, we have an argument.

Woman expects she will fail because she always has, and, anyway, she's not really good enough -- who does she think she's kidding? -- and, pow, she doesn't get the promotion. Again.

All these foregone conclusions are based on expectations which may or may not be true. An Israeli might actually want to give compassionate medical care to a Palestinian. A Palestinian may wish to teach an Israeli child calculus -- but because of their underlying limiting expectations, neither do.

Author Byron Katie tells a story about a walk in the desert she once took. Katie, a woman of a certain age, was out walking alone in the desert near her home. Out of the corner of her eye, she glimpsed a snake. She froze.

A snake. A poisonous snake. The snake was going to bite her. She was going to be bitten by a poisonous snake and die a horrible, slow death in the desert. She'd die and no one would know what happened to her. She'd die alone, painfully, in the desert. Searchers would come eventually and find a pile of bones. She'd be all alone out there in the desert -- dead. Nothing but a pile of bones!

She opened one eye to see the demon snake who was going to kill her, and...it was a rope. Not a poisonous, ruinous snake. Just an old rope. Laughing, she stepped over it and continued her walk.

Expectations are like this. Expect to see a snake, and you will. Even if it's just a rope. You'll react to the rope as if it were a snake, when all you need to do is treat it as a rope and keep walking.

What if you lived your life if it were just an experiment? In the scientific method, there are no expectations of outcome. We do the experiment and see what happens. If it works, we keep doing it. If it doesn't, we stop. We try something new. And, there are no mistakes. What a lovely way to live!

Either/Or

"I can stay in my job and have enough money, or I can do what I love and be broke."

"I can't be happy as long as I'm married to Clyde."

"Since I have been a full-time parent for the last ten years, the only job I can possibly get won't pay very much."

All statements I have heard in the last month -- that's true.

But they're not true statements. Sure, they feel true to the folks saying them, but they're really either/or, black/white statements. They're what's called "limiting beliefs". Either/or statements like this serve a great purpose -- they keep us pretty well stuck.

Because... is it true that you have to be broke to do what you love? Hmmmn. Oprah looks like she loves what she does and she's doing all right. Bill Gates? He seems pretty happy. Steve Jobs is passionate about what he does, and he gets all the IStuff he can use. Bono gets to be a multi-millionaire rock star AND do good while wearing cool sunglasses.

Either/or statements serve as fear-based predictors of what's going to happen. If you go into a job interview with the mindset, "Since I've been a full-time parent for 10 years, I can't ask for too much" -- guess what? You won't. Confidence in your own self-worth is reflected in that thought, and you telegraph it to everyone you meet. How much stronger to say, "Even though I've been out of the workforce for 10 years, I bring great skills and excellent contacts -- I'm worth what they've budgeted for this position's salary."

Living in black/white, either/or land is one way to make sure you're always right. "I can't be happy if I'm married to Clyde" -- a popular kind of statement. Saying this, you will discard any experience that might show that you could be happy, or, heaven forbid, that you actually like Clyde. You will pursue, or maybe even create, opportunities to be unhappy with Clyde. What if you turned it around and figured ways to see if you could be happy with Clyde, oh, like, let's see: counseling, mutual hobbies, actually talking to him...

Often when we "can't be happy" it's not because of someone else, but because of something within ourselves. And we owe it to the Clydes of the world to work on that before laying our own dissatisfaction at their feet.

Living in the gray between black/white is the challenge, and the gift. It's saying, "I can lose weight while eating fewer carbs." It's saying, "I may have to start the work I love on the side or as a volunteer, while I keep my job for the income." It's "I can be happy with or without Clyde -- it's up to me."

There are "motivational speakers" out there who tout the idea "You CAN have it all." Which is, poppets, yet another black/white statement. The beauty of living in the gray is replacing "either/or" with "and". It's so much more balanced to believe, "I can have some of this and some of that," or, even more true, "I can have whatever I need."

Contrary to popular belief, life is not all or nothing. The key to getting unstuck is getting un-attached to the either/or thoughts that immobilize us, and recognizing them for the limiting beliefs they are.

In fashion, it's often said that this color or that color is the "new black". In life, the key to happiness is replacing black/white with the best of both -- to live in the shades of gray that are truly flattering.