Power Talk

Last week our Results Club session featured a fascinating conversation (if I do say so myself) with John Kador, author of 201 Best Questions To Ask On Your Interview, among plenty of other books.

John was talking about how to answer that old job interview chestnut, "So. Tell me a little about yourself." John's suggested response? "I'd be happy to tell you about myself, but first, may I ask a question?"

If you were the interviewer, what would you say? I'd say, "Sure, go ahead."

And, guess what? By asking a question first, you've effectively changed the course of the conversation. You have the full attention of the interviewer and you are now in charge.

Don't blow the opportunity.

John suggested you ask a question that is eerily similar to my Best Job Interview Question Ever: "What expectations do you have for this position?"

Great question. Because the answer tells you exactly what you need to focus on when you talk about yourself, your strengths and your skills.

And, I was thinking.

As I am wont to do.

Today, it's as much about keeping a job as it is getting a job. And to keep your job you need to make sure people know how you're contributing and how you're fulfilling their needs.

Why not use this question -- "what are your expectations for me in the coming months?" -- with your boss, or your board, or, if you're brave enough, with your subordinates? Why not use this question to touch base, and to "sell" yourself and your abilities?

Wouldn't it be great to deliver exactly what someone wants and needs?

Wouldn't that make you completely irreplaceable?

What's Your Why?

Let's face it. It's a scary world out there. People are losing their homes, and losing their jobs. In fact, unemployment in the U.S. hasn't been this widespread since 1974.

Think -- babies born in 1974 are 35 years old today. Probably married. Probably a couple of kids. Couple of credit cards. Car payments. Mortgage. Bills.

Thirty-five year olds have no frame of reference for what's going on now. My guess is they figured home values would always go up, as would salaries, bonuses and retirement plans. When up, up, up turns to down, down, down -- it's a frightening, unsettling experience.

Even folks with jobs who pay their mortgages on time are feeling beseiged, as if at any minute they could be in trouble, too. We feel powerless. The rug has been pulled out from underneath, or is about to be tugged violently. What's the purpose of life if you lose everything you've worked your whole life to achieve? Where's the meaning in that?

This week I picked up an old favorite to re-read -- Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning. Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist, was imprisoned in Auschwitz and Dachau, and he writes eloquently about his harrowing experiences in the death camps. It was through unimaginable suffering that Frankl was able to find meaning not only in his life, but to fully understand how others find meaning in theirs.

Frankl suggests that meaning and purpose is derived from having a why. Why live? Why suffer? Why keep putting one foot in front of the other? In the camps, Frankl discovered, survival of the inmates was completely dependent on having a why: "Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why -- an aim -- for their lives, in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence."

Frankl says our why is always one of three things: doing something, loving someone, or rising above yourself by turning tragedy into triumph.

Now, I have to say this. Losing your job is not the same as being in Dachau. Even in 1974, people ultimately found new jobs. Losing your home? Not Auschwitz. But these are certainly tough times. To survive, you have to know your own personal why.

And if you're stuck, struggling, hurting, depressed... you especially need to get in touch with your why and let it guide your life.

Ask yourself, what's my reason for being here? Is there something you need to accomplish? Someone whose life you cherish? Is your why to parent your children into independent adulthood? Is it to love and support your spouse? Is it to take this very difficult time -- to be willing to lose everything you've worked for -- and emerge stronger, more confident, and wiser?

All of these are excellent whys. And when you have your why fixed firmly in your mind, you can do more than endure. You can move forward and thrive.

You not only can. You will.

A Good Cry

The other day I saw a young father holding his young son in his arms. The boy was crying, and the father kept saying, "Now, stop your crying. Listen to me. Stop crying."

Of course, the little boy only cried harder.

And that's how it goes, right? As I walked past I thought of all the times I told my children to stop crying. Why? Because their tears made me uncomfortable. Geez, it was awkward. I had no clue what to do with a crying child. I was worried what other people thought of me as a mother -- I mean, my kid was sobbing hysterically. Doesn't that trigger the Really Bad Mother Alert?

As I watched that young father, my heart went out to him. And I thought about what I'd do now if I were in that same spot.

I think I'd say to my little child, "Honey, it looks like you need some time to cry. How much time do you think you might need? OK. I'll be right over here -- you take all the time you want." And I'd sit and wait until the crying was done.

'Cuz sometimes we all need to cry.

I'd let my kid decide when he was through feeling sad or angry or whatever, rather than tell him when to stop. If we're told to deny our unpleasant feelings when we're very young, how in the world can we expect to know how to handle them when we're adults?

There are a lot of people out of a job today. Yet, many of them are stuck in their job search. Why? Because they haven't honored what they really need -- understanding and acceptance of why they were let go from their previous job. Every single day they get that old message, "Stop it now. Stop crying. Suck it up. Get on with it."

And this is why folks get stuck. And why they bomb job interviews. And they remain in limboland.

Because they haven't taken time to honor the full sweep of their emotions over losing their last job.

If your self-talk is all about the past -- the wrongs done to you, how stupid your old boss was, what idiots they were to keep Joe and let you go (sound at all familiar?) -- then do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for success by taking some time to fully feel how sad you are. Mourn the real loss you've suffered.

You may have heard that your results reveal your true intentions, and that is absolutely, 100% true. If you are out of work and not really working on your job search, what might be holding you back is the past.

"Oh, sure," you say. "I'm out of work and she wants me to get all introspective! I don't have time -- I need some money!"

I'm not saying wallow. Or become paralyzed. I'm saying have yourself a good cry for as long as you need to. I'm saying let it out and let it go. And then wipe your eyes and get back on track.

Because when you finally come to terms with the grief you've been denying, you will have let go of the past and planted your feet firmly in today. Let go of the past, sugar, and it has no power over you. You'll be happier, and look happier, and feel happier.

And happy people are the people who get hired.

Your Hidden Treasure

Once upon a time a baby girl was born to loving parents. On the day of her birth they gave her a beautiful box, a treasured gift. By her second birthday, the loving parents had died and the little girl was living with her aunt.

Now, Auntie was a mean-spirited, angry and bitter old woman. As the girl grew into a lovely young woman, Auntie would remind her, "You're no better than anyone else", and "Don't get too big for your britches", and, more painfully, "You are as ugly as your mother", for Auntie had doted on the girl's father and ignorantly blamed the girl's mother for his death.

So, the girl grew up believing that she was, indeed, unattractive, and hid herself behind unfashionable and unflattering clothes.

At school, the girl worked hard and excelled at her studies. In fifth grade, jealous and deceitful Teacher took her aside and said, "You're not as smart as you think you are -- you're just lucky. Once your luck fades, you will fail." The girl did not know that luck was more important than hard work. Auntie had never told her that. She began to worry more about her luck running out than her studies, and soon her grades began to fall. "Teacher was right," she thought. "I am not smart. Auntie is right, too. Who do I think I am, anyway?"

The girl struggled to finish her schooling and began to look for a job. Auntie said, "Don't aim too high, you'll be disappointed," so the girl took a job cleaning offices. It was difficult, dirty, boring work, but the girl believed she was not smart enough to do anything else. Hadn't Teacher said? Hadn't Auntie said?

Every day she rode the bus to work. One day Nice Man started a conversation with the girl. She liked how his eyes twinkled. He had a kind face. He was a happy fellow. He asked her to go with him for a cup of coffee. Now, the girl had never been on a date with a boy before because Auntie had told her that all men, save her dead father, were useless bullies. "Men are interested in only one thing," Auntie would say. "And once they get it, they dump you in a hot second." The girl did not know what to do -- this man seemed nice. But he might be fooling her.

She did not trust her own instincts. Auntie had been right about so many things -- perhaps she was right about men and relationships. So with a sad shake of the head she said no to the coffee, and from that day on did not talk to any men.

Ten years later the girl was numb, living the same kind of small, safe life Auntie led. She was old before her time. That spring, Auntie died. The girl did not know what to do. She had looked to Auntie for so much. How could an old, ugly, stupid cleaning lady make it in the world, all alone?

As she cleaned the small house she shared with Auntie, she found the beautiful box her parents had given her on the day of her birth. She did not know what it was as spiteful Auntie had hidden the treasure away. The girl gently lifted the lid and a small piece of paper fluttered to her feet.

She opened it. It was from her parents. It said, "You are the treasure. May you live a life worthy of all of your gifts." Inside the box was an intricately engraved silver mirror. The girl took the beautiful, cool metal in her hands and held it up to her face.

With a blinding flash, the girl saw what her parents had seen in her even as a baby. She saw clearly into her own heart and she was astonished. Rather than the ugly woman she had thought herself for so many years, suddenly she saw a lovely young woman. Was that her? Was she really that pretty?

In a moment, her limiting thoughts about herself fell away. She was beautiful, for she could see that clearly with her parents' gift. She was able to love, for she had loved even unlovable Auntie. And she was smart, because she had figured out these things about herself.

And she knew, too, that all of those things had been inside her, hidden her whole life, because that's how others had wanted it to be. She had been made to act small so that others could feel big. She straightened her spine at that thought, and vowed to never again allow herself to be framed by what others thought about her.

The next day the girl sold Auntie's house, quit her job, enrolled in college and began her life anew, knowing that her greatest treasure was within her. It always had been there, and always would be.

Moral of the story: To live fully, you must live without limits -- whether imposed by yourself or imposed by others. Everything you need to be your best self is already within you. That is your greatest treasure.

Letter To My Children

Dear Munroe and Grace, I saw that President-elect Obama has written a letter to his daughters, expressing his hopes for their lives, and for the lives of all American children.

So, I thought I'd take a minute to write you and tell you what I hope for your lives, too.

First, I wish you a long and healthy life. Fortunately, you've got great genes going for you -- but there are things you need to do to help yourself along. Pay attention to your nutrition, because what you put into your body fuels what you're able to do in your life. Consciously taking in things that are good for you is a huge step toward taking loving care of yourself. When you take in good food, you set the tone for other good things in your life. And always move your body. Feel your muscles move under your skin. Dance, walk, hike, run, swim. It feels good, sure, but it also intimately reminds you of your own inherent strength and power.

Which brings me to my second wish for you -- I wish you happy and healthy partnerships and friendships. I once read this piece of advice: "If you wouldn't say it to your daughter, don't say it to your son." So, let me tell both of you the same thing: becoming intimately involved with anyone -- allowing them access to your mind and your body -- is the greatest gift you can give. Make sure the people you choose deserve your gift. And pay attention, too, to the friends you bring closest to you -- find people whose honor and integrity match yours. Finally, remember that neediness often masquerades as love, but it's not love -- it's just a false mask of love. Serving someone else's chronic neediness is not what's best for your life. Plus, it's downright exhausting.

What's best for you is love. As you know, I like Henri Nouwen's definition of love. "Making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves." And my third wish for you is that you have a life full of love. To get that, though, you first have to make a safe place for you to be yourself. That means not beating yourself up every minute of every day. It means loving yourself when you make a mistake, or say something incredibly stupid, or act really thoughtlessly. It means making space for an apology, and making up for your shortcomings.

When you love yourself first, you are able to fully love others.

And let me clarify -- I'm not suggesting overweening, narcissistic self love. Narcissists see people as objects, not individuals, and lack the ability to empathize with others. That's the opposite of my wish for you! To love yourself, it's vital to see people clearly for who they are, with all their human frailties and strengths, and to appreciate their human struggles -- and share their burdens and joys where you can.

You've already faced challenges in your young lives and I hope you look back on those experiences with a sense of pride and accomplishment in your own resilience. You will face hard times in your life -- it's a fact of life. But you can make the hard times easier by looking back at past challenges and realizing you made it through before... and you will again. Every single time.

When you're forty years old, I hope you're a good partner, and a good parent. I hope you're a good friend, and a good neighbor. I hope you have a job you like and that helps you pay your bills, and that you put some money away for a rainy day. I hope you vote in every election, and that you work to make your community a better place. When you're forty, I hope you make time to read books that excite you and to have conversations that inspire you.

But most of all, I hope you're happy. And my best advice on how to be happy is this: Live fully in the knowledge that, in each moment, you are going to make the best possible decisions you can possibly make -- so you can live with few regrets.

Your lives are infinitely precious to me, but your futures are yours to craft. Create them with care, and with love.

Just as you were created. Just as you were raised. Just as you are loved. Now, and always.

-- Love, Mom

The Results Club

My friend and fellow Master Coach Chris Brandt and I were talking about how we could contribute to the world in 2009. If we were to use our skills to "be a force for good," as I put it, what would that look like? How could we put our skills and talents together to meet a need? The result of that conversation is The Results Club.

The headlines tell the story: "Unemployment Rises," "No Sector Untouched," "Executives Downsized." The global unemployment is higher than many of us have ever seen. And finding a job right now can be tough. Especially for a mid-career executive who's highly skilled, and highly paid.

To answer precisely this need, Chris and I have built an 8-week support program for mid/upper-level professionals who find themselves in job search mode, called The Results Club.

This unique and innovative program provides a step-by-step approach to any executive job search. Plus, each class is supplemented by a secure discussion forum, where tools, ideas, tactics and information can be shared within The Results Club community.

Drawing on our own networks and our many years of experience -- Chris as a Human Resources executive with organizations like News Corporation and Swiss Re, plus various financial services companies and startups, and my leadership positions in corporate America, with dot-com startups, and at the White House, as well as my job as Career Advice Coach at www.BettyConfidential.com -- we have assembled a fantastic slate of speakers who can offer cutting edge advice to today's job search.

Each webinar class will feature an interview with an expert, offer innovative tips & tools, and the opportunity for one-on-one coaching with me and Chris. Here's the schedule:

January 28th - Taking Stock & Making a Plan: Featuring an interview with Dr. Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star and Steering By Starlight

February 4th - Creating a Resume that Works: Featuring an interview with Bonnie Kurka, Vice President of the National Resume Writers Association

February 11th - Speak Up! How to Interview: Featuring an interview with Cyndi Maxey and Kevin O'Connor, co-authors of Speak Up! How to Present Like a Pro

February 18th - Networking: Featuring an interview with Liz Lynch, author of Smart Networking

February 25th - Maximizing Social Media: Featuring an interview with Pam Slim, blogging expert and author of Escape From Cubicle Nation

March 4th - Reinventing Your Career in Mid-life: Featuring an interview with Mary Beth Sammons, author of Second Acts That Change Lives

March 11th - Salary Negotiations/Working with Recruiters: Featuring an interview with executive recruiters

March 18th Staying on Course: tips, tactics and plans to keep your job search moving forward, featuring a panel of career coaches.

The total cost for the 8-week program is $375 (USD). Space is limited - register today!

While Recovering...

Since I'm still recovering from my recent surgery, I thought I'd repeat a post from January 3, 2007 -- called "Alive and Awake":

I have a little shorthand I use to describe some people. I started with “deeply unconscious”. Then I shifted to: “lacking insight into themselves and how they function in the world.” Both of these phrases were my feeble attempts to get at a larger issue – how to describe people who have no interest in (and in fact run screaming from the very idea of) personal awareness, openness and growth.

(You know who you are.)

Recently, I was running errands and had Oprah & Friends playing on my XM radio. I have to admit it: I have an Oprah crush. Sure, she’s got Steadman, and I’m not gay. But still.

I love her.

And I love her Friends. So the other day, I was listening to Dr. Robin Smith, author of Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, when my girl Dr. Robin said something that caught my ear. She said, “It’s time for you to step up and be a grown-up. It’s time for you to be alive and awake.”

Ka-thunk. That was it! Alive and awake! I want my friends to be alive and awake. I want my family to be alive and awake. I want my clients to be alive and awake. I want to be alive and awake.

Why would anyone want to be anything other than alive and awake? What’s the opposite there – unaware and asleep? Hmmmn. Guess if you’re unaware or asleep, you’re kinda safe. You’re insulated from feeling anything or having the scary possibility of anything in your life changing. You sleepwalk through your life, numbed to all experience.

Is that the way to live?

I’ve always wondered what babies think when they fall asleep in their car seat and wake up in their crib. Do they think, “Whoa! Weren’t we just going to the grocery store? How’d I get here?”

Maybe that’s what happens for some people at mid-life. They begin to wake up and think, “Whoa! How’d I get here?” And if they’d been awake and experiencing their 20s and 30s, maybe they’d have a partial clue.

Being alive and awake is a lot of work. The major spiritual traditions suggest that coming awake is our soul’s lifework. It was the Buddha, wasn’t it, who experienced enlightenment and became The Awakened One?

I love the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:7-8: “Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Leading me to believe that if you never seek, you will never find. If you aren’t alive enough to seek enlightenment – asking who you are and why you are here – you’ll never be awakened.

There is an element of pain and suffering to being alive and awake that you certainly don’t have to face when you’re unaware and asleep. When you’re alive and awake you consciously open yourself to good and bad, happiness and pain, light and dark. Would the easier way be to lead a life of only the former and none of the latter?

That ain’t gonna happen, is it?

As writer Jack Kornfeld has said, you can’t live full time in a blissful state. Even the most enlightened person has to do the laundry from time to time.

Alive and awake is about balance. Think about balance for a moment: bakers add a little salt into a dessert recipe to enhance the sweetness of the treat. Balloonists add a load to their lighter-than-air craft so they can control ascent and descent. Opposites attract.

Continuing the homey aphorisms, it’s said that into every life a little rain must fall. And where would we be in a world without a little rain? Well, we’d have drought. Which would bring on famine. Then death.

Perhaps being unaware and asleep is the way some people try to avoid death. Funny, isn’t it? You go through life insulating yourself from experiences because you’re afraid of death, and guess what? You die anyway.

Because we all do.

How much better, then, to fully live until you die? How much better to turn your face up to the rain and lick the drops as they fall into your life? How much better it would be to live sensing everything, feeling everything, knowing as much as you can. How much better it would be to be alive and awake.

What a great New Year’s Resolution, huh?

A Big Fat Thank You

Thank you.

Two little words. So much meaning.

Thank you. Thank you to everyone who dropped me an email to wish me well on the surgery. Thanks to everyone who held me in your good thoughts and prayers over the last week. Thanks for the flowers, and the food, and the understanding.

I went into this whole thing bathed in the light of real thankfulness, and maybe that's why I'm feeling so great.

The surgery last Friday was uneventful -- the whole thyroid came out, and I have a lovely incision mark at the base of my throat. I am working up a narrative to explain the scar that includes a) a biker bar fight, b) wild chickens, c) Elizabeth Taylor, and d)"you should have seen the other guy." More on that later.

Truthfully, it's not that bad -- my surgeon said, "Oh, this scar will fade right into your neck fold." Eyebrows raised (mine): "Neck fold? I have no neck fold! What you talkin' about, Willis?" (one reads the People Magazine 80s Edition while recuperating, of course)

Today, I'm up and about doing all the normal things I do. Other than the bandage on my neck, a little hoarseness and a weariness at the end of the day, I'm good.

So, I'm looking forward to 2009 and am thankful (there's that word again!) to have some exciting things to announce very shortly. Stay with me, will ya? Next year is going to be so much fun.

And, again -- Thank you.

Make Mine A Whopper

Since my kids were little, we'd back them up against the wall, ask them to stand straight and tall, and make a little line to mark their height. Today, they can stand at the same wall and see physical evidence of how much they've grown.

It's much harder for us adults to see evidence of how much we've grown. But I got the chance this week.

Because this week I learned I have cancer.

It's thyroid cancer, and I'm having surgery later this week to remove the gland. One dose of radiation later, and, as my surgeon chirpily said, "you'll be cured of cancer by December 30th."

The C-word is a toughie for so many of us. Cancer's got a ton of "dirty pain" associated with it. Ever heard the phrase "dirty pain"? Dr. Steven Hayes, a noted psychologist, coined the term in his development of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as a counterpoint to "clean pain".

Clean pain is the pain that naturally flows from an action or situation. You stub your toe, it hurts. You say, "Ouch." That's clean pain. Dirty pain is the story you tell about what happened. Like, "Geez, I am always so clumsy! What a jerk! I can't believe I stubbed my toe! What an idiot!"

So here's how I know I've changed. There was a time when a cancer diagnosis would have prompted me to take to my bed. I would have been overwhelmed, obsessive, swamped, anxious, fearful, and cranky. I wouldn't have been able to listen to my doctors for the whirring sound of panic in my ears. I would have eaten a gallon of chocolate fudge brownie daily to soothe my mind, or treated myself to something "nice" (and stupidly expensive) at the mall.

I would probably watch "Beaches" eight times. In a row. Kleenex stock prices would soar.

I would have told myself really uplifting things like, "you brought this on by doing something wrong", "of course you're a loser, you got cancer", "see, nothing good ever happens to you," and, the whopper, "you are going to die and leave your children motherless and no one will even care."

Plenty of stories. Stories that serve only one purpose -- to extend the dirty pain, promote suffering, and keep us one-down, a victim to circumstance.

But how I took this cancer diagnosis surprised me. The diagnosis came with absolutely no story. Well, just a little story. And here it is:

I am a woman who found a lump. I had my doctor look at it. Tests were run. It's cancer. It's coming out.

Sure, there may be some pain after the surgery and I'll let that be whatever it is. Right now, I'm fine. And so, I'm going to be fine until something hurts and then I'll say "Ouch". What's the point of zooming ahead and feeling next week's pain today? That will only give me two weeks of pain when I really only have to -- maybe -- do one.

OK, I'll admit it, I'm slightly amazed at my own response. But it makes sense. After all the years of work and study and practice, I have arrived at a place where I can be clear and have pretty clean pain around this whole situation. It's a rather welcome validation of the hard changes I knew I needed to make in my life. I have actually done what I set out to do. Ain't that something?

Yep, I look at my own personal growth chart and like what I see -- I'm standing tall, back up to the wall, clear and aware of exactly how much I've grown. Who knew having cancer could feel so good?

Christmagical

I have the most fabulous teenaged daughter. Sure, she turned to me recently -- we were at the Gap and I was singing along with Mick Jagger, doing my best version of the White Woman's Boogie -- and asked, "Were you born embarrassing?" OK, I don't hold that against her. She's almost thirteen. She's supposed to find me utterly embarrassing. It's her job.

She's on the cusp of a life passage -- less child, more woman. As a result, she sees things from both perspectives. Both wise and wondering.

The other day as we turned a corner we spied lavish and ornate Christmas decorations. She exclaimed with the absolute delight of a child, "Mom, it's Christmagical!"

Would that we all could look at this time of year as magical. But it's hard, isn't it? So much to do. Get a tree. Get it off the car, into the house and on the stand. Haul out the decorations. Well, first you have to find them among the clutter you piled over them in the last twelve months. And buy a new package of those little hooks. Decorate the tree. Get gifts. Special, meaningful, perfect gifts. Wrap said gifts. Mail gifts. Shop for food. Cook food. Bake cookies.

Don't get me started on The Christmas Card Process. Or How To Fake Holiday Cheer To Get Through Yet Another Christmas Party.

Adult life is not very Christmagical.

This is the point where I could write about The True Meaning of Christmas, but I'll leave that to Linus (A Charlie Brown Christmas really says it all).

No, I'm going to say this: to really experience the fullness of everything Christmagical you just have to do one thing. You have to be open to unconditional receiving.

You have to be able to turn a corner and gasp because the decorations you see are so beautiful.

You have to allow yourself to tear up when you hear Vanessa Williams sing "Go Tell It On The Mountain."

You need to get to the place where you accept whatever's offered you with grace, and kindness, and an acknowledgment that other people are probably doing the best they can.

You have to be willing to let this great big, loving world we live in penetrate your grown up shell, and lift your heart.

You have to remember what it was like to be almost thirteen at Christmas. Remember what it was like to straddle childhood and adulthood -- and allow yourself hold on to the best of both in your life, right now.

That's when you will receive the greatest Christmas gift possible. And, it will be truly Christmagical.

It will be, quite simply, a very merry Christmas.

Looking Forward

So, did you make your list of 25 things you accomplished in 2008? I heard from many of you who did, and several of you who intend to make a list. Which is lovely. Still others told me that they ran over their accomplishments in their heads. So, progress was made on many fronts. I'm a very happy coach.

This week, let's do something really cool. Let's look forward.

Let's pretend it's December, 2009.

What would you like your list of 25 Accomplishments for 2009 to look like?

Ah, my spidey-sense suggests that you're intrigued, and already thinking. Excellent.

Here are a couple of questions to aid your idea flow:

• What do you want more of in your life? That you already have? That you don't have?
• What do you complain about most? How can you address it or solve it so you free up your time and energy?
• What do you do when you lose track of time? Do you do it enough?
• When are you at your best?
• What's one positive change you know you can make?

Some ideas percolating in that noggin of yours? Hope so. Here's what you do -- take a piece of paper and write down all of your thoughts. Then ask yourself this whopper of a question:

• When I'm living my best life, what will I have? What will I be? What will I do?

Good one, huh? OK, from all of this cogitating, you should begin to see a pattern emerge. Now, I do love me a good to-do list. However, an endless to-do list can feel like a burden, so unless you are absolutely, 100% motivated to tick off a list: simplify, simplify, simplify.

You may see, based on your answers to the questions above, that your stuff breaks down in to categories. If you notice, for instance, that you have a lot of goals around losing weight, getting into shape, doing something about your hair, finally getting that operation... you may want to make a category called, "Personal Well-Being", and make a goal of "Taking care of my body and my health." See? How much easier to keep that top-of-mind rather than forty-five "to-dos".

Plenty of people I work with have a real strong tug toward being connected with other people. It's a biggie. So I often suggest this little exercise: "What would it FEEL like to be connected to people?" For any goal, when you let yourself experience what it will feel like in your body, it's so much easier to recognize it when it actually happens.

And, you have to work at it. You may be like the woman I spoke with this week -- longing for deep connection, yet work consumes her life. Here's her schedule: Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Sleep. Wake up. Start over (sounds suspiciously like a rut to yours truly).

To achieve her goal of having more connection in her life, she is going to have to make some changes. Something has got to give, and I'll be the one to say it -- it has to be her work. You can work smarter, not harder, as you may have heard. She will have to start making room for volunteer activities, friends, classes and, dare I say it? Fun. She's going to have to risk a little bit -- exchanging the comfort of the known rut for the uncertainty of possibility. If she can do it, she'll get the connection she wants. And still do great things at work. I absolutely guarantee it.

When you take the time to consciously consider what's really best for you -- what inspires you and strengthens you and fires you up -- then you can confidently create a plan to make sure you spend more time with those things, and less time with the things that keep you stuck in that nasty old rut.

And, when you do, just think: what a list of accomplishments you'll have this time next year!

Looking Back

Can you believe it's December? Before we know it, it'll be January and we'll have both feet firmly planted in 2009. Yikes.

This is a great time to look back at 2008, and take its measure. How was your year? Think back. Did you make any resolutions -- and did you meet 'em?

[uncomfortable silence.]

OK, I hear you. Let's look back in a different way. Take out a piece of paper. I want you to write down 25 things you accomplished in 2008. I'll do it, too. Here goes:

1. Took out the trash and recycling every week.

Hey, believe me, that is an accomplishment.

2. Paid off and closed two credit cards.
3. Got my mammogram.
4. Started writing an advice column at BettyConfidential.com.
5. Met, then exceeded, my goals for my coaching practice.
6. Never forgot my kids' orthodontist appointments.
7. Got my roof fixed.
8. Did more public speaking.
9. Stuck to my budget.
10. Made time for my friends.
11. Volunteered to chair a committee.
12. Went to the dentist twice.
13. Taught more classes.
14. Co-chaired my high school reunion.
15. Re-connected with old friends.
16. Took my kids to a baseball game at the new Nationals Park.
17. Published my book.
18. Held a yard sale.
19. Chaperoned a 6th grade field trip.
20. Got a new stove, fridge, dishwasher and microwave. Fun week.
21. Paid my taxes.
22. Took good risks.
23. Read 47 books.
24. Got national press coverage.
25. Laughed often.

What's your list like? What does it tell you about your unspoken goals -- your real resolutions, if you want to call them that -- for 2008? My list reveals that taking care of my own physical and financial health, and the well-being of my kids, was paramount. It appears I also served my goal of being connected -- with people, with my community and with myself. How about you? What did you do?

2008 was an up-and-down year for so many of us. You had the money in March to plan for a vacation in December, but now wonder if you can really afford to take it. We had $4 gas in August, and $1.75 gas in November. We've had lay-offs, foreclosures and financial melt-downs. Plenty of us have lost loved ones or faced serious illness. It would be easy to say, "Ick! 2008 was horrible!" yet your list may tell a different story.

Even in a difficult year, you did stuff. You made progress. You accomplished. That's where you need to focus -- not on all the up-and-down-ness. Believe it or not, your best 2009 resolutions will spring from the list of what you've done this year.

So spend some time cataloguing and acknowledging your accomplishments, and next week we'll take a look forward and spell out some achievable goals -- so you can make 2009 your best year yet.

The Power of You

There's a quote I particularly love... do you know it?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."(Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love)

When I work with people -- whether they're looking for a job, or trying to do the job they have better, whether they have a big decision to make or a crisis to handle -- they focus on where they feel weak. Time after time I see people stuck and wallowing in their deficit, when the only solution is to stand in their strengths.

To allow themselves to be powerful beyond measure.

What do I mean? How do you shift from a position of weakness to strength?

It's not waiting for someone else to give you permission to do what's best for you.

It's saying what you need to say -- including the word "no" -- rather than what you're expected to say.

It's doing more of what you're good at and that you like, rather than doing things that sap you.

It's about knowing, deeply, yourself and loving everything about you. Even the extra pounds, the bad hair days, the annoying habits, the fear. 'Cuz once you love that about yourself, you are open to loving it about others.

When you stand in your power, you become powerful beyond measure. I'm not talking about the kind of power that gives you dominion over others or makes you rich or famous. I'm talking about the kind of power that makes you clear. Happy. Certain. Authentic.

I'm talking about the power that you already have inside you. I'm talking about The Power of You.

It's right there inside you -- all your strengths, gifts and talents. All you have to do is use them. Every day. And you will profoundly change your life.

What's Next?

What do women in prison and Republican political appointees, and maybe even you and me, all have in common?

We all ask the same question: "What's next?"

This past week I spoke to a group of women inmates at a correctional facility in Maryland about how to discover and live into their strengths. The basic point: do more of what you're good at and that inspires you, and you'll be living a happier life.

The difficult part is that so many of these women, and so many of the rest of us, have gotten so far from those things we love to do that we can't even recall what they are. And when you're battling addiction it's hard to say you love anything more than what you're hooked on. Most of these women know that loving crack doesn't get you anywhere. But jail. Or death.

To reconnect with their passions, I urged them to think back to their young girlhoods. "When you were ten or eleven or twelve, how did you spend your time? What did you love then?" It's interesting what pops out when I ask these questions -- almost everyone can answer with something, and it's usually something that unlocks a hidden passion. And when you identify a passion and a strength, you can begin to form an idea of work that can flow from that. An avid babysitter can become a childcare worker. A former athlete can work in a fitness center. An artist can work with paint.

During the question and answer period a woman raised her hand and said, "I'm a professional journalist and I'm turning 50 next week. Who's going to hire me after I've been in here?" To be honest with you, she looked like a Ralph Lauren model, and I wondered what life path had brought her to jail as I considered how to answer her question.

"Well, if writing is a strength for you," I ventured, "maybe you can write about this experience. Show people that you can write, and my guess is that you can get hired."

"What about fear?" she asked. Heads around the room nodded in agreement. "Fear's a big barrier," I acknowledged. "But there's reasonable fear and unreasonable fear. Reasonable fear is facing a charging bear, or someone with a gun in their hand. It's real. Unreasonable fear comes from a part of you called the social self -- what will people think? -- and the only antidote is to focus on what's real. Your strengths? They're real. Your passions? Real. Focus there, rather than on your fear, and you'll be OK."

Tomorrow I'm going to speak to about 150 Republican political appointees here in Washington, DC, who will lose their jobs as of Inauguration Day. I imagine there's plenty of fear for them, too, as they look into a future where politics are dominated by Democrats, and jobs are scarce. I'll talk with them about identifying and playing to their strengths, about facing their fears, about creating a reasonable action plan grounded in what's possible rather than what should be.

I imagine I'll take several questions very similar to those asked of me in the jail. Maybe it's the human condition that causes each of us, regardless of our life's path, to ask, "What's next?" And, truly, what's next is unknowable. What is knowable is who you are, what you're good at and how to live your best possible life. What I know to my very marrow is that living into your strengths -- into the gifts and talents you already have -- is the key to living a happier life. And finding work that matters.

Smart Networking

When the going gets tough, the tough get... in touch with their networks.

"You mean, Michele, that with the economy in free fall, the best thing I can do is network?" Incredulity is to truth as ham is to... what? [easy now, that's just a SAT analogy flashback]

OK, 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral. So it only makes sense that when unemployment is rising, and the economy is falling, your circle of friends and acquaintances becomes your most important insurance policy. 'Tis true, the people who know and like to work with you can speak most eloquently on your behalf. It also never hurts to have such a gold plated circle of contacts that your boss can't possibly fire you.

Over at BettyConfidential.com, I hammer on the importance of networking. Kinda thought I was the Queen of Networking. Until I met Liz Lynch. She's the true Queen of Networking, poppets, and I bow deeply to her.

Liz has a new book you're going to want to read -- Smart Networking: Attract A Following In Person And Online -- and despite my pretensions toward her throne, I got to enter the presence of the Queen and ask a few questions.

How do you define networking, Liz? "So many people see networking as going to events and meeting new people, but my definition is much broader. I define a 'network' as a support system of people you can turn to for help, advice, ideas, and information. 'Networking,' then, is simply the process of building and maintaining that support system, and being able to tap into it when you need help."

I have quite a few clients who've found themselves unexpectedly out of a job. Happening all over the world, in many different sectors. When you have to find a job fast, I asked Liz, do you just scramble to find a job, any job, and forget about the network? "Actually, quite the opposite," Liz said. "Building a network does take time, but the good news is that everyone has a network already. People we’ve worked with, gone to school with, live near, play tennis with, etc. When you really need to get something done, it’s these people, your most raving fans, that you should turn to first. While they may not be in a position to hire you themselves, you can get valuable advice on your job search and some may even be able to introduce you to others in their network who work at companies you’re interested in. If nothing else, having moral support in these tough times can help you maintain confidence."

I told Liz that I love to work with professional women who are re-entering the workforce. Many of them whine, I mean, express deep concern, that their network is stale and out-of-date. Liz suggested, "What’s really great about networking now is all of the online options that are available that you can do on your own time and without having to leave the house. An at-home mom can start to build her online network on LinkedIn and Facebook, and connect with folks she already knows. That way she gets on the radar screens of her old colleagues and can reach out to them much more easily once she’s ready to start exploring her options. She can also start a business blog where once a week she can comment on news and trends in her industry. This is important because once she gets into job mode again, hiring managers are going to Google her. When her blog comes up and they read her insights and wisdom, it might just tip the scales in her favor."

Some small business owners see people in the same line of work as competition. Is there any benefit from growing a network with your competitors, Liz? Quoth the Queen, "My general philosophy with life is that there is more than enough to go around. Do you want to turn business away just so your competitor can prosper? No. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself or give away your trade secrets, but being open to cooperation leads to win-win-win opportunities, where 1+1 can equal 5.

"For example, I have great relationships with other networking experts, and I feature some of them in the book. Why would I do this? Because it helps everybody. Readers get the benefit of hearing other experiences. The experts get the benefit of exposure in an international book, and hopefully because they’re in it, they’ll be willing to recommend it to their friends, colleagues and customers."

See why Liz Lynch is the Queen of Networking?

From her vantage point upon her throne, I wanted to know what her own network has done for her. Liz told me, "It’s amazing when I think of how much my network has come through for me, and writing the book helped me remember so many of those moments. When I first left corporate America in 2000 to start my own consulting business, my network gave me nearly all of my business those first two years. Some hired me directly, some referred me to people they knew, and some just listened and gave me input on how to position myself. More recently, I got my book deal with McGraw-Hill without an agent as a first-time author with one email to someone in my network.

"For those who might be thinking that I have magical people in my Rolodex, I don’t. They’re all very special to me, but they’re not household names. The reason they’re willing to help me is because I’ve built the relationship to last and I’ve mastered the art of the ask, two very important topics I cover in Smart Networking."

The trick to successful investing is to buy low and sell high. When others are out of the market, there are often great openings for the taking. The same is true with networking. When so many people hunker down in fear, you can invest in your network. You can organize a volunteer activity for a group, or arrange a happy hour, or a lunch. You can step up your email contacts, or jump on Twitter or Facebook,or LinkedIn, where staying on your network's radar screen is easy.

Invest in your network now, and someday, just maybe, you'll sit high upon your own throne as the King or Queen Of Connections.

Enough Advice Already

Aren't you weary of all the people out there giving advice? I am.

Pundits proclaim that this candidate is up, or that one is. Polls are accurate, polls lie. He's five points up, seven points up, thirteen points down; there's a bounce, no-bounce. He should attack, he's too nice; he makes sense, he doesn't make sense. Vote for him, vote for her, vote against him, vote against her.

Aaaargh.

Then there's our financial situation.

One guy says, "Pay only cash!" and another says, "Use your credit or you'll lose it!"

One woman, the one with those oddly transfixing eyes (you know who I mean), says, "Make an extra mortgage payment to lower your principal" and the other female financial advisor says, "Don't make that extra mortgage payment -- put it in savings in case you lose your job."

Honestly, I have advice fatigue.

So, I'm not going to give you advice on the economy or the campaign or building a business or even home decorating.

I'm going to remind you that life is short. You have been through difficulties before and you've done OK. Maybe even done very well. You're resilient. We're all resilient.

Do you know your own personal situation? If you're in trouble, you're going to figure out a way to deal with it. And if you need help, you'll be able to find it.

I want to remind you that this, too, shall pass.

It always has.

So, love, live, enjoy. Gather around your friends, family and the things that make you stronger.

Because the truth -- regardless of elections or recessions or rising waves of uncertainty -- is this: If you're doing the right thing, the right thing will always happen. I said "the right thing" -- not the expedient thing, or the easy thing, or the most comfortable thing. You always know what the right thing is. Just keep doing it. And you'll find that the right things will happen for you.

Solving Problems

Ever feel like the world is chock full of problems? There's a problem here, a problem there, and every problem screams for a solution. Ever consider how your life change if you knew, in your very marrow, that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world?

An emotional sponge takes on problems like a city bus takes on passengers -- and ends up feeling overloaded. Plenty of these good folk become my clients because they just can't cope with their burdens.

You know the type. They're the resilient, strong person who has faced plenty of adversity and has developed a sense that there's nothing they can't solve. Their shoulders are broad, and they can carry a huge load. So they keep taking on one tangled situation after another. They carry their kid's problems, their co-worker's problems, their mother's problems, their neighbor's problems and the problems of the woman in front of them in the checkout line. Her biggest complaint? Never enough time.

The emotional sponge can also be the person who defines himself by a willingness to "help". They want to lend a hand, pitch in, offer support. As a result, they say yes to everything. They organize every charity drive, political leafletting effort and recycling program in a hundred mile radius. And they're frazzled.

One more type of emotional sponge -- the person who's so uncertain about her own feelings so she takes on the emotions of those around her. If everyone else is worried about the price of tea in China, she adopts that worry as her own. Like a pinball, she bounces from feeling to feeling, and ends up drained and exhausted.

I was blessed to have a son who had no interest in tying his own shoes -- especially if I was limitlessly willing to get down on my knees and tie them for him. One day I realized that if he didn't learn to tie his shoes himself I might have to visit his college campus daily (not in my plan for 2012, honestly). When I stopped solving his problem for him, he learned to tie his shoes.

And so it is. Maybe we solve other people's problems because it makes us feel useful, or needed, or -- maybe we can admit this -- slightly superior. Regardless, when you take on the problems of others you prevent them from learning the skills to prioritize and solve their own problems.

Your "help" may actually make the problem persist.

Becoming real -- being comfortable in your own skin with who you are -- absolutely requires coming to terms with the idea that you are not responsible for fixing every problem in the world.

In fact, not every problem can be solved. (Death is permanent, for instance.)

Not every problem should be solved. (Because time alone may resolve it.)

And not every problem is really a problem. (We just make it so to satisfy our own needs.)

If you plant a seed in dirt, and water it, you don't know whether it's growing until a sprout shoots up. If you're worried about its progress and dig up the seed, you'll kill the plant.

The best course of action is to wait. Leave it alone. And trust.

Which is exactly what you do when you step back from the responsibility for fixing every problem. Wait. Watch. Trust.

And, chances are, when you stop solving the problems of the world, you'll have the time you need to focus on the problems that really matter -- your own.

How To Make A Budget

Lotsa talk about money these days. Tightening the old belt. Sticking to the old budget. But how can you stick to a budget when you don't actually have one? Good question, huh?

Financial health is easy -- there are just three questions you have to answer: What have you spent in the past? What do you make? How much can you spend in the future?

So, take out three blank pieces of paper. On the top of one, write "Actuals". On the second piece, write, "Income" and on the third, write "Spending Plan."

Actuals: To figure out your actual spending, you'll need to look at the past three months. Take out your past three checking account statements and credit card statements. On the Actuals sheet of paper, make categories: Housing Expense (mortgage/rent; utilities; repairs), Food Expense (groceries; eating out), Transportation expense (car payment; insurance; gas; maintenance), Clothing Expense, and Other. If you have your own, particular big spending category, such as Education or Medical care, go ahead and list those expenses in a category of your own design.

Now, look at your expenses in each category for the last three months -- add each up and get an average monthly cost. Write down the average monthly spending by category, and get your total.

Somewhere on this sheet of paper, write down the balance for each credit card you own and note your average monthly payment and the interest rate on every account. Think back to the entire year -- did you have any big one-time expenses, like vacations, or orthodonture, or rebuilding a 1965 VW Beetle? Make a note of those expenses, too.

Now, let's move to Income.

On the Income sheet, write down your monthly income -- what you take home after all deductions. If, like me, you have your own business and income fluctuates, make an average of the last three months. If you have a regular income, this part should be easy.

Now, look at the total on your Actuals compared to the total Income.

How does it look?

If your income exceeds your expenses, you're doing great and can continue to the Spending Plan at your own discretion.

If your expenses exceed your income, honey, we've got a little work to do. You can either increase your income or reduce your spending. Just a note here -- if you're not doing everything you can right now to maximize your income, you need to start doing so right away. That may mean you have to start taking a different kind of client (those who pay are a good start), or ask for a raise, or take a different job. If you're working at a discount, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Let's look at reducing your spending. On the top of the Spending Plan sheet of paper, make a note of how much you need to trim from your expenses to come into line with your income. Start by transferring the information from Actuals. If possible, break out as much detail as you can in each category -- utilities, for instance, would be electric, cable, phone, natural gas/heating oil, water/sewer/trash, etc.

OK, so where is the largest expense you can control? Maybe you can lower your transportation expense by using less gasoline, changing the deductible on your insurance, taking the bus or subway, or washing your own car. You may be able to reduce your food costs by eating out less, buying what you know you'll eat -- which may mean the shopping duties go to the most disciplined person in the house.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you have some cash on hand. Take a look at those credit cards -- target the lowest balance with the highest interest rate and pay that sucker off first. Should free up your monthly cash flow.

On the sheet of paper, make a new target for your spending in each category.

You're not done yet, darlings. Now, the hard part.

Total your projected expenses. Add twenty percent. "But," you gasp, "If I do that, my budget won't work!" I know. I'm really, really sorry. You'll have to go back through and make enough reductions to fund this really important twenty percent -- your cushion. This is for when natural gas prices spike to all-time highs. Or your health insurance premium doubles. Or you need a crown. Or you underestimated your real expenses.

If you're really stoked and ready to play, put another ten percent into savings, ten more into charitable giving and another ten into your investments. Doing so means you may have to re-jigger your spending until you get to a truly workable spending plan.

"Too much trouble" is what some of you are saying. I hear you and know just what you're saying. Because I was once exactly like you. But while ignorance may be bliss, it doesn't help when the bill collectors start calling. Take charge of your money, and, believe it or not, you take charge of your life.

What Are You Gonna Do?

Know that moment when someone indicates the sheer futility of action -- when they shrug their shoulders, and say, "What are you gonna do?" Hand gestures optional, of course.

"What are you gonna do?" suggests there's really nothing you can do. The problem is way above your pay grade.

There's a lot of "what are you gonna do?" going around these days. And it's awfully darn easy to feel powerless and at the whim of people and forces greater than you. Sitting back and feeling small takes its toll, though. Adds to stress, depression and encroaching panic.

A wise man once wrote that "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". To get through the uncertainty and powerlessness so many of us feel because we don't really know what we're gonna do about the financial bubble, the housing bubble, the employment bubble, and the numerous other bubbles we hear about with alarming frequency -- well, we can start by taking that first step.

Know your credit score. If there is a global credit crisis, people with good credit scores will be able to write their own ticket. Take a look at your credit report and make a strategy to raise your number. Each credit bureau will give you specific recommendations on how to do that. You might need to start by making your payments on time and in full. Or, if you have too many accounts, close some.

Start paying with cash. Yeah, I know. We're used to whipping out the plastic. If you like the convenience of plastic, use your debit card. Oh, I hear you...you don't have the money in your account to buy your three cups of $4 coffee a day. Do you know that you effectively pay an additional fifty cents for that cup of joe every time you use a credit card? And if you don't pay off your balance in full, it compounds. Which, if I remember my math, means you pay...lots. Why not pay cash so you can keep on buying coffee down the road?

Beef up your job skills. I have had clients who have postponed the education or training their bosses have suggested. Just haven't gotten around to it. But, believe me, when layoffs have to happen the most skilled and cooperative people will be the last to go. If training hasn't been suggested to you, or if you own your own business, ask yourself: what can I learn that can make my work more productive? Then take that class.

Center in your strengths. I work with many coaches who are building their coaching practices. Too often, I see people struggle because they are not centering their business on their own strengths. Too often, they try to build their practices based on what someone told them works. Which often has nothing whatsoever to do with their own, individual strengths. Your strengths always energize you. Work from that place of power, and whatever your work is -- it will thrive.

Double down. It's tempting to face an uncertain economic situation and draw back. But while everyone is retreating in fear, you can move forward by being realistically optimistic. If your budget allows for it, double down on your marketing efforts. If your budget allows for it, take your kids to the fondue restaurant. If your budget allows for it, max out your retirement account.

Vote. One little action. So much power.

Live in gratitude. This morning I woke up and thought about the cheeseburgers I whipped up on the grill last night and was flooded with a wave of gratitude -- I'm so grateful to be able to feed my family. Sound weird? Wouldn't have been to my Dust Bowl-era grandmother.

Panic serves no one. Doesn't make you happier, or more focused, or wealthier. So, "what are you gonna do?" You're gonna take some healthy, strong steps away from panicked powerlessness -- toward a happier life.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Coming Clean

I have to admit it: I love the TV show "Clean House". I love all the mayhem and foolishness. Just when you think they can't possibly find a more cluttered, junky mess -- they do. It's just unbelievable enough to be real.

Makes me feel a bit better about what I consider my own clutter issues, to tell you the truth. But what I really love about the show is seeing the chaos and unhappiness give way to clarity.

If your clutter issues are threatening to make you a candidate for the show, here's how to get a jump on it and begin to achieve clarity in your own life:

Survey the mayhem and foolishness: Walk around your place with a notebook and a pen. Write down specific cluttered areas -- like that hall closet. Or inside the front door. The junk drawer(s) in the kitchen. Or your teenager's room. All you're doing is making a list -- so breathe easy and write it all down.

Ask yourself why: Look at just one clutter area. Why does stuff collect inside the front door? What kind of stuff is it? Why is it there? Where's the best possible place for the stuff? Do you need a solution -- like a place to put coats, or shelving for backpacks or a basket for mail? If it's more complicated than that -- "I can't bear to let go of my mother's things and face the fact that she passed away eight years ago" -- you may need to be gentle with yourself as old feelings (buried in all that clutter) come to the surface. But don't let those feelings keep you from doing something with momma's bric a brac.

Start to deal: Today is today. Holding on to stuff doesn't bring back yesterday, honey. Yesterday's gone. Bring forward the memories and let the stuff go. You are who you are today, and all that clutter keeps you firmly in the past -- and unable to truly enjoy this moment, right here, right now. Don't I sound just like Niecy Nash? I'm getting me a flower for my hair, y'all.

Have a yard sale: Before you say, "It's more trouble than it's worth" let me just point out that in uncertain economic times wouldn't it be nice to turn your unused clutter into useful dollars? That's all I'm saying. If the idea of a yard sale is too daunting, see if you can organize friends or neighbors to join in one humungous event -- and follow it up with a party. After all that hard work, you deserve some fun!

Redecorate: The final step on Clean House is to make over a chaotic room into something pleasant, modern and...clean. Whether you go for full redecoration a la Mark Brunetz or something more modest, mark your de-cluttering accomplishment with one physical symbol of the change you're manifesting. Get a pretty vase, or a lovely painting, or a wind chime and let that object serve to remind you of the life you'd like to live -- clutter-free.

I recently undertook this process myself. I asked: "Where's my greatest source of clutter-pain?" Answer: "My office is a disaster, full of papers and books, mayhem and foolishness." Why did I have all that stuff on the floor, on the coffee table, on the couch? 'Cuz I had no where to put it. Why? Because the closet in my office was full. Of what? An old filing cabinet that I didn't use and papers dating back to 1993 (I am ashamed to admit).

Two hundred pounds of paper shredded and recycled later, the filing cabinet given away, shelves added to the closet, I am pleased to announce that my office is fabulous. It took two weeks, but it's exactly what I need it to be -- and the pain is long gone.

So, where's your biggest source of clutter-pain? Why does it exist? What can you do about it?

You can channel your own inner Niecy Nash -- put a flower in your hair, get some tough-love going, and get your Clean House on. Uh huh.