Centered Enthusiasm

I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It's an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it's spring that's doing it. There's that moment in winter -- some bitter Tuesday in February -- when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that's what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday's free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you'd like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 "Be with positive people" prompted a couple of questions -- how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you're not even aware of their negativity -- because they're your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who's negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down -- they're likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side -- they're likely negative. If they use a lot of words like "can't", "won't" and "shouldn't" -- negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. "My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?" you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos -- simply say, "Gosh, sounds like you're really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I'm going to go into the next room, and when you're ready to talk calmly, come get me." Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I'd sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I'm standing in front of a bear. Ain't no bear in the neighborhood, but I'm behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I'll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you're surrounded on every side by negativity, all you'll see is the bad. You'll never see the happy buds of spring, you'll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I'm going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call "centered enthusiasm" -- I know what's going on in my world, and I'm still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don't you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn't shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead -- allow the unfurling to begin.

We're All In This Together

Double bubble, toil and trouble. Anger, maybe even rage, disbelief, uncertainty, anxiety -- there's a potent brew boiling around our country today, and I want to understand it.

From what I've gathered, the question is: If you run a multi-billion dollar company into the ground, and threaten the financial well-being of the entire global community, should you be given multi-million dollar bonuses?

Or, maybe the question is: Why should people who live within their means have to foot the bill for people who spent money they didn't have on stuff they didn't need?

Or could be the question really be: Are we all in this together, or what?

Back in 2004, I had the opportunity to organize President Reagan's State Funeral. As the funeral procession snaked its way from the hilltop National Cathedral through the city to Andrews Air Force Base, I saw people of all colors and stripes thronging the streets. Hands over hearts, paying respects -- didn't matter if they wore a pin-striped suit up in Northwest DC, or cutoffs and tube tops down in Southeast -- people turned out that summer day to honor a man some of them never even agreed with.

I distinctly remember thinking: people wanted to belong to something.

We had felt it before, on September 12, 2001. Remember that day? After the immediate shock and horror and loss, people were really nice to one another. We made eye contact. We held doors open. We talked with strangers. We even let people go in front of us in traffic. We were experiencing something big, and scary, and unexpected -- but we were experiencing it together.

For a period of time our country really was a kinder, gentler place.

My seventh grade daughter is studying World War II in social studies. She asked, "What was the war like for our family?" I told her about all my uncles that served, and how five of her great-grandmother's brothers had served at the same time. I told her about Gold Star Mothers. I told her how people saved bacon grease and salvaged scrap metal to help the war effort. I told her about rationing and about Rosie the Riveter.

I told her how everyone worked together, united in common purpose to make it through a very difficult time.

How to describe the feeling when the light bulb goes off? Pop! - it hit me: the problem today is that some of us are sacrificing -- we've made cuts in our spending, we're living below our means, we're responsible with our lives -- and some are not. The bonus-paying bankrupt companies and the bonus-receiving misguided executives? The foreclosure flippers? Doesn't appear that they are sacrificing, or are making plans any time soon to change their frame of reference.

It's a scary time and we're simply not in this together. And that bothers us.

Because when times are tough, the American people want to belong to something bigger than themselves, like the war effort in World War II. We want our sacrifices to be worth something. We want to share the uncertainty and worry. We want to save bacon grease and send it where it can best be used. We will use ration cards.

But we want rationing to be fair. And we want to save our bacon grease for a purpose, not just to serve some public relations ploy designed by politicians and spinmeisters.

Let me tell you, the politician who taps into this national zeitgeist will find himself, or herself, riding the crest of a new wave of American political life.

But until that Mayor or Senator or Governor or Congressman wakes up and sees that business-as-usual is no longer the way business is being done; until that politician realizes that greed is no longer the driver of anything worth having; until that politican understands that the American people are smarter and more resilient than they're given credit for -- there's only one thing for you and me to do.

We'll do it ourselves. We will lead our leaders. We'll say no to pork-barrel spending and yes to spending that creates jobs and opportunities, or helps the most vulnerable among us. We will create our own sense of purpose and involve our community, by simple things like having potluck suppers with the neighbors, or cleaning up a local creek, or working in a community kitchen, or donating to micro-finance efforts to help people start businesses.

If belonging is what we want, belonging is what we will create. We'll be in this together. And when we step up and show the way, believe me, our leaders will just have one choice to make: follow, or get out of the way.

That's what I understand. How about you?

A Good Cry

The other day I saw a young father holding his young son in his arms. The boy was crying, and the father kept saying, "Now, stop your crying. Listen to me. Stop crying."

Of course, the little boy only cried harder.

And that's how it goes, right? As I walked past I thought of all the times I told my children to stop crying. Why? Because their tears made me uncomfortable. Geez, it was awkward. I had no clue what to do with a crying child. I was worried what other people thought of me as a mother -- I mean, my kid was sobbing hysterically. Doesn't that trigger the Really Bad Mother Alert?

As I watched that young father, my heart went out to him. And I thought about what I'd do now if I were in that same spot.

I think I'd say to my little child, "Honey, it looks like you need some time to cry. How much time do you think you might need? OK. I'll be right over here -- you take all the time you want." And I'd sit and wait until the crying was done.

'Cuz sometimes we all need to cry.

I'd let my kid decide when he was through feeling sad or angry or whatever, rather than tell him when to stop. If we're told to deny our unpleasant feelings when we're very young, how in the world can we expect to know how to handle them when we're adults?

There are a lot of people out of a job today. Yet, many of them are stuck in their job search. Why? Because they haven't honored what they really need -- understanding and acceptance of why they were let go from their previous job. Every single day they get that old message, "Stop it now. Stop crying. Suck it up. Get on with it."

And this is why folks get stuck. And why they bomb job interviews. And they remain in limboland.

Because they haven't taken time to honor the full sweep of their emotions over losing their last job.

If your self-talk is all about the past -- the wrongs done to you, how stupid your old boss was, what idiots they were to keep Joe and let you go (sound at all familiar?) -- then do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for success by taking some time to fully feel how sad you are. Mourn the real loss you've suffered.

You may have heard that your results reveal your true intentions, and that is absolutely, 100% true. If you are out of work and not really working on your job search, what might be holding you back is the past.

"Oh, sure," you say. "I'm out of work and she wants me to get all introspective! I don't have time -- I need some money!"

I'm not saying wallow. Or become paralyzed. I'm saying have yourself a good cry for as long as you need to. I'm saying let it out and let it go. And then wipe your eyes and get back on track.

Because when you finally come to terms with the grief you've been denying, you will have let go of the past and planted your feet firmly in today. Let go of the past, sugar, and it has no power over you. You'll be happier, and look happier, and feel happier.

And happy people are the people who get hired.

Looking Back

Can you believe it's December? Before we know it, it'll be January and we'll have both feet firmly planted in 2009. Yikes.

This is a great time to look back at 2008, and take its measure. How was your year? Think back. Did you make any resolutions -- and did you meet 'em?

[uncomfortable silence.]

OK, I hear you. Let's look back in a different way. Take out a piece of paper. I want you to write down 25 things you accomplished in 2008. I'll do it, too. Here goes:

1. Took out the trash and recycling every week.

Hey, believe me, that is an accomplishment.

2. Paid off and closed two credit cards.
3. Got my mammogram.
4. Started writing an advice column at BettyConfidential.com.
5. Met, then exceeded, my goals for my coaching practice.
6. Never forgot my kids' orthodontist appointments.
7. Got my roof fixed.
8. Did more public speaking.
9. Stuck to my budget.
10. Made time for my friends.
11. Volunteered to chair a committee.
12. Went to the dentist twice.
13. Taught more classes.
14. Co-chaired my high school reunion.
15. Re-connected with old friends.
16. Took my kids to a baseball game at the new Nationals Park.
17. Published my book.
18. Held a yard sale.
19. Chaperoned a 6th grade field trip.
20. Got a new stove, fridge, dishwasher and microwave. Fun week.
21. Paid my taxes.
22. Took good risks.
23. Read 47 books.
24. Got national press coverage.
25. Laughed often.

What's your list like? What does it tell you about your unspoken goals -- your real resolutions, if you want to call them that -- for 2008? My list reveals that taking care of my own physical and financial health, and the well-being of my kids, was paramount. It appears I also served my goal of being connected -- with people, with my community and with myself. How about you? What did you do?

2008 was an up-and-down year for so many of us. You had the money in March to plan for a vacation in December, but now wonder if you can really afford to take it. We had $4 gas in August, and $1.75 gas in November. We've had lay-offs, foreclosures and financial melt-downs. Plenty of us have lost loved ones or faced serious illness. It would be easy to say, "Ick! 2008 was horrible!" yet your list may tell a different story.

Even in a difficult year, you did stuff. You made progress. You accomplished. That's where you need to focus -- not on all the up-and-down-ness. Believe it or not, your best 2009 resolutions will spring from the list of what you've done this year.

So spend some time cataloguing and acknowledging your accomplishments, and next week we'll take a look forward and spell out some achievable goals -- so you can make 2009 your best year yet.

Internal Stress

A hundred years ago, society frowned upon those who were left-handed. In fact, the bias against lefties goes back quite a while. The Latin word referring to the left hand, sinister, means evil, while the word referring to the right hand, dexter, means correct. A hundred years ago schools "broke" lefties and turned them into righties. It's estimated that seven to ten percent of the population is left-handed, so plenty of people were just plain wrong, perhaps even evil, in society's eyes.

Imagine the internal stress for a young boy in those days who yearned to do the most natural thing in the world -- to pick up a pencil and draw with his left hand. But he knew he shouldn't. It was wrong. It's not what everyone expected. He'd be shamed if he used the wrong hand. But he already lived every day with the shame of his innate preference for the "wrong" hand.

Do you struggle with similar internal stress? Plenty of us do. It's being introverted in a family of extroverts. It's being extroverted in a family that expects silence. It's being a gentle soul in a workplace that expects you to be a shark. It's being a shark living in a monastery. It's wanting to live in the woods and paint when you're expected to live in a gated community and be a lawyer. It's wanting to live in a gated community and be a lawyer when everyone in your world values painters who live like Thoreau.

A few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to be at the Smithsonian when they brought out the rare Stradivari, and had virtuoso musicians play them. The sound that came from those ancient instruments! The skill with which they were played!

It seems that every instrument has one note it resonates to -- the note that is true and clear. When this note is played, the instrument transcends itself and the musician and creates a wholly new, marvelous thing. Singers, too, have this kind of resonate note. It's the note you sing when someone says, "Sing." It may be sharp or flat, high or low -- but it's your natural note. And when you sing it, your soul thrums.

Internal stress comes from having to sing another person's resonant note. You live in constant contradiction with your essential, true self. No thrum. Ever.

If you don't know your own internal resonant note, don't fear. You can find it. You may have repressed it in order to fit in, or, like our left-handed friend, to avoid shame -- but, believe me, it's still there inside you. How to find it?

Start by daring to live as your essential self. Be introverted if that's the way you were born. Be loud if that's how you really are. Be a goofball. Be serious. Be sentimental, be generous, be a hopeless romantic -- be whatever you are when you're truly, authentically your best self.

When you stop fighting your innate yearning, and just pick up that pencil in your left hand regardless of what people say -- you will have found your creative, true self.

To defeat your internal stress, all you have to do is dare to sing your own note.

Whelmed

The other day a woman reported that she was feeling overwhelmed -- she was trying to do so much that she felt she wasn't doing anything well. Was multi-tasking the answer, she asked?

No, I answered, multi-tasking doesn't really work. Try mono-tasking instead. Do one thing at a time. Do it thoroughly and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. Mono-tasking.

When you're multi-tasking -- trying to do two or three things simultaneously -- you end up doing none of them well. Your stress level goes through the roof.

Face it, there's just one you. You have the wondrous ability to give 100% of your attention to something. Multi-tasking asks you to divide your attention, and you end up with less than 100% on each task -- and this is where errors occur... you end up spending more time fixing the resulting problems than you would if you gave the task all of your attention at the start.

Reading a memo while on a conference call when researching data and preparing a Power Point -- you're not truly engaged in any of these tasks and probably won't have a great result. How much better to be truly present for the one minute it takes to read the memo, then participate fully in the conference call and make time later to do thorough, comprehensive research before you design the Power Point. That seems doable, manageable and calm, doesn't it?

The opposite of overwhelmed, of course, is underwhelmed. Underwhelmed is what teachers generally feel about the work product of boys in their first year of high school. Wives are often underwhelmed by the anniversary gifts their husbands proffer -- word to the wise: just because Hallmark says it's the Paper Anniversary doesn't mean paper towels are an appropriate gift. Hallmark is referring to the wrapping paper around the gift. Honey, every anniversary is the jewelry anniversary. That's all you need to remember.

Underwhelm is often about our expectations of what others should be doing. And you know I have a deep dislike of the word 'should'. In my life, I simply replace 'should' with 'choose' and feel so much happier. Rather than saying, "Charlie shouldn't have shopped at 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve for my gift", you can get to a level of acceptance when you realize Charlie chose to give you that box of frozen burritos -- and you can ask him about that choice.

(By the way, Charlie, see above reference to The Jewelry Rule for Anniversaries. Same rule applies to Christmas. You're welcome.)

Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. It occurred to me this week that no one ever says, "I feel whelmed." We're always over or under.

Wouldn't it be lovely to answer the question, "How you doing today?" with "I'm whelmed, thank you very much! And you?"

Whelmed -- the point at which you are neither over nor under. You are not fruitlessly multi-tasking. You are balanced. You are paying appropriate attention and spending appropriate time on your tasks.

You are whelmed.

As the holidays approach with their attendant stressful opportunities for overwhelming tasks and underwhelming performance by others -- reduce your stress by choosing to be whelmed. Whelmed one task at a time.

The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists

Ever had a relationship with Dr. Jekyll? Or was that Mr. Hyde? Whether it's your boss, your brother or your spouse, if you think you could be dealing with a narcissist you need to read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Familyby Eleanor Payson. Ellie was kind enough to answer some questions for me -- hopefully, you'll have an "Aha!" moment and know what to do:

How do you define narcissism to someone when they ask you “Hey, Ellie, I heard you wrote a book? What’s it about?"

When people use the word narcissist, or narcissistic in the informal context he/she may simply be referring to someone who is behaving selfishly or is self-absorbed in a given circumstance. On the other hand, in a more pathological sense narcissism references a pervasive preoccupation with self that is out of balance with a healthy give and take in his/her relationships. I should qualify here that this is particularly true of those inner circle relationships such as a significant other, close friends, or family members. In essence pathological degrees of narcissism reflect a disturbance that distorts a person’s relationship between “self and other.” The narcissistic individual is someone who has an undeveloped self, an immature “I,” and is compensating by striving to prop up a grandiose “me” (the false self of the narcissist.) In other words, his/her preoccupation with maintaining a grandiose me distorts and overrides an ability to give genuine consideration and regard for other(s).

When we think of the resources that are called narcissistic supplies we can begin to get a handle on what this means. Narcissistic supplies are those exchanges between people that foster the well being of each person in a relationship - well being that comes from knowing that we are individuals of value, special and important just because we breathe, just because we exist. A person with a healthy self is able to exchange an unconditional regard (verbally and nonverbally) in his/her relationships. This presence of unconditional regard may be seen in the admiring gleam in our eyes, a spoken appreciation, an effortful listening that seeks to understand and empathize, a willingness to hold ourselves accountable for injuries we may have caused, and so on. Someone who is narcissistically defended inevitably requires many more “strokes” of affirmation, recognition, efforts at understanding, support, etc., than they are able to give. In fact, there is a kind of obliviousness to the recognition of these exchanges in the unconditional sense. This is because the narcissistic individual is externally focused on conditional realities for maintaining the grandiose me such as; how much power and status one has, how beautiful or handsome one is, how effective in his/her career one is, etc. These external realities become the source of pseudo affirmation, and the narcissist is inevitably desperately attached to the maintenance of these external realities for self-worth. The individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can barely acknowledge what is meant by unconditional regard of self and other. Consequently, the narcissist requires an endless supply of affirmation to keep his/her false, or substitute self, intact. Ironically, the narcissist is unable to make use of unconditional affirmation as true nourishment and similarly unable to give it.

How does a narcissist tip his hand? How do you know he's a narcissist and not just a jerk?

Often the slang expressions of “jerk,” and perhaps more colorful terms, do seem to be the layperson’s language for describing narcissistic traits in a person. However, once we have “vented our spleen” we may want to take a deeper look at the person and our relationship so that we can act wisely and at times with the imperative for self-preservation. We may discover that there is more healthy substance to the person than we thought, or perhaps the opposite. The surface presentation of a person can appear to have any quality – from “jerk” to “charmer” to “sophisticate, intellectual, drama queen/king, officious professional,” etc. It is what exists under the surface (or perhaps more to the point - what does not exist under the surface) that we want to recognize. Developing discernment in taking the full measure of a person and the full measure of ourselves is what we must learn if we want to have more fulfilling and mature relationships. The misleading facade of individuals with personality disorders is the danger to be on the lookout for, and we can be tantalizingly tempted to forego the effortful discovery process. If we miss the presence of a deeper disturbance such as the narcissistic personality disorder in a person, we may end up struggling for our very psychological, financial, or even physical survival.

A few of the clues that I cite in my book are:
Excessively:
- Requires attention, admiration, special consideration, recognition
- Demonstrates a grandiose sense of entitlement
- Manipulates and pursues his/her agenda (often relentlessly, tenaciously)
- Criticizes self and others
- Holds unrealistic expectations of self and others, alongside an over-estimation of self and his/her needs
- Demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life -- win/lose

Limited ability to:
- Fulfill mutually held “understandings.” Agreements seem to morph over time with creative "revisionist" ability
- Self-reflect and take ownership of a problem
- Tolerate anything perceived as criticism, or oversight
- Feel genuine or deep empathy for others
- Recognize the needs of others (except superficially)
- Recognize others as independent agents (separate selves)

These deeper limitations and disturbing defenses are inevitably camouflaged by the façade of some impressive or competent surface presentation mentioned earlier. The greatest danger here is that the outer demeanor often has a powerful aura of seduction emanating from a personality that projects the promise of larger than life charm, power, competence, originality, etc. The potency of this seduction is often so captivating that we can be induced into a kind of suspension of belief where our critical faculties for noticing distortions and inconsistencies are switched off. This is the crossroads, so to speak, of our own codependent tendencies that are necessary to heal if we really expect to steer clear of these dangerous relationships, or navigate them safely.


So, is narcissism treatable with therapy or drugs?

As far as the neurobiological issues that are involved, this is in many ways unchartered territory. However, I am always skeptical of individuals or approaches that lay claim to having all the answers from either the neurobiological side or the psychological side. In truth, we are a complex mix of both. Many individuals with a mental illness or a mental disorder will have what are called co-morbid issues, such as depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, that are in need of evaluation and treatment. Once we achieve relief from one or more of these conditions (sometimes through effective psychotropic medications) we stand a much better chance to develop a more effective self-observing ego that can allow greater possibilities for growth and change. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder almost without doubt have any number of co- morbid issues that once treated would allow him/her to function more appropriately.

What should someone who’s in a relationship with a narcissist do?

The first thing to do is reach out and get help and not stop until you feel that you have found someone who can validate and understand what you are going through. If the therapist is overly anxious and quick to dismiss the possibility that you are involved with someone with severe narcissism or perhaps full blown NPD then move on until you find a therapist who can appreciate the illusive nature of recognizing the realities of the problem. Then, second, commit to therapy to deal with your own issues (codependency, or a mix of narcissistic and codependency issues, etc.) and stay in the healing process as you utilize all the normal tools of therapy including books that can help with insight and empowerment. In therapy we need to be willing to work through our own blind spots, our shadow self as Carl Jung would call it. This is the only way out of our tendency to idealize which is often unconscious and compulsive. If there is any way of finding a support group or forming one, this is another invaluable tool.

Learning some immediate tools for asserting boundaries to create safety in these relationships is a must, and for this I believe, Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine is a must read. Since my book came out, I discovered books that I wish I had listed in my bibliography such as The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, and other books that have been published recently. Amazon.com offers excellent reviews for selecting these. On the home stretch of the healing process, coaching can be an invaluable tool for maintaining self-care and goals that lead to empowerment. Working with a coach like yourself, Michele, who is familiar with the depth of the issues and the importance for ongoing healing work is a true bonus.

Thanks for the plug, Ellie. To find out more about Eleanor Payson and her work, go to www.eleanorpayson.com

The Absence of Perfect

I struggled with writing today. I couldn't find the perfect opening sentence -- the one line that would grab you and compel you to read on. The perfectly turned phrase. An ideal piece of writing that you would remember forever, and forward to your friends and family with a tear in your eye and a lump in your throat. The Great American Blog.

I just couldn't get there. I had writer's block. I was stuck.

So, I asked myself one of my favorite questions, "In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?"

In the absence of the perfect intro, my options were a) to not write anything, b)to just write something, c) to go shopping.

Just for the record, I chose b). As appealing as c) was. And I got unstuck.

When you're stuck in any aspect of your life, ask yourself the same question, "In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?"

Being stuck is tough. Going neither forward, nor back -- just standing in place, watching the world whirl by. Removed. Stuck.

Pursuit of perfection often leads to stuck-ness. "I can't have guests until my house is perfect" or "I have to finish my MBA before I can apply for a new job" or "I guess I'm still single because I'm just too picky" -- all statements in pursuit of perfection. All statements which keep us stuck.

Shooting for the ideal is what we're taught from the time we're dandled on grandma's knee. "Don't settle! Hold onto your dreams! You can be anything you want to be!" But the dark side to what your grandma told you is that sometimes holding on to the ideal prevents you from doing anything at all.

Which is safe. But stuck.

When I pursue perfection, I limit my vision to only that which corresponds to my narrow vision of "perfect". According to advertisers, the perfect solution for any single woman is a hunky, hairless, pouting, slightly sweating guy who stares vaguely into the distance. Were I to hold on to that ideal, I would miss the OK-looking, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, slightly hairy available guy who would be a good partner for me.

Perfection is elusive. It's a soap bubble of joy. It only exists when we're not blowing too hard. Perfection is in the spontaneous hug of a four year old. It's in the kindness of strangers. It's there in a great big belly laugh. It's in the last place you'd expect to find it.

Perfection ceases to exist the harder you look for it.

So, when holding out for the ideal prevents you from actually living your life, and keeps you stuck, know your options. Choose one that will enlarge your experience and allow you to grow.

When you do, you'll stop being stuck. It'll be perfect.

Email Triage

Week before last I wrote about In-box Management and while many of you liked my highly figurative example of dealing with the spam between your ears, most of you would like tips to deal with the actual deluge of email you have to face on a daily basis.

I am glad to oblige. Let's get started.

The problem with email is twofold. First, there's too much of it in your in-box (we'll call that "inflow") and, second, you have to decide what to do with it ("outflow").

In medicine, "triage" is used to identify and manage the most acute cases, those in need of immediate attention. Guess what? Triage can also be used to manage your email effectively. All you have to do is identify what's most important, and deal with that first. Sounds simple enough, right?

Here are three tips to triage Inflow:

1) Have three different email accounts. One is your primary business email account. This is the account on your business card, and the one you give to professionals with whom you network. Your second account is for personal use -- this is the one you give your mother, your aunt Suzy, your layout cousin Frank and others. The third account is the one you use for online ordering, online games, online quizzes, whatever. This third account is your spam magnet, and will draw most of the junk. Then, you can spend quality time on your business email, some time on the family email and little or no time on the junk email.

2) Use email folders. Many email programs will allow you to change your settings so that email from a specific sender, or containing specific keywords, can be automatically directed into a folder. For instance, if you are working on a project with Tom Smith, you can specify that all messages containing his email address go into a Tom Smith folder. That makes staying on top of the project a breeze! Likewise, you can make all email containing Words You Would Have Gotten Smacked For Using In Front Of Your Mother go right into the trash. Setting up a priority system with your email folders can help you spend time on what's acutely important, and save the marginally important for another time.

3) Don't read your email all day long. It's a trap to have your email browser open all the time. If you are old enough, you remember when fax machines first hit the office. In my office, every time the fax machine signaled it had an incoming message the entire team gathered around to watch it come through. Who would it be for? What would it say? How important I would be if the fax was for ME! Over time, the novelty of faxes wore off (thank goodness), and we settled down to work. Today, the omnipresence of incoming messages means there is little time to actually think, or create, or evaluate. I suggest you check your email first thing in the morning, mid-day, at the end of the day. I know, I know -- you work in a culture that prizes always being available. Well, that's an awful lot like standing around watching a fax come in. Think of it this way: setting boundaries around reading your email gives you time to actually work!

Now, to Outflow. In my Stress Management class, I give a series of questions to ask when feeling stressed about a task. The very same questions can be applied to your email: Can I eliminate this? Can I do it another time? Can someone else do it?

Back in the dark ages (even before the fax machine, if you can believe it) there was an organizational school of thought best summed up by the phrase: "Touch it once." The idea being that a letter came in through the in-box on your desk (how quaint) and the goal was to touch it once -- read it and decide whether it needed to be filed, thrown out or acted upon. If it needed to be acted upon, you decided that before you put the paper down -- you wrote someone else's name on it and put it in the out-box, you called someone on the telephone to deal with it, or you wrote a new memo suggesting a meeting to settle the matter. Whatever you did, you didn't let paper hang around your in-box.

That's a good rule of thumb with virtual paper, too. Don't use your email in-box as a filing cabinet. Read the message; decide to do something with it or delete it; delegate it to someone else; call a meeting; print it out and post it anonymously on the employee bulletin board. Whatever you do, just touch it once, do something, and let it go.

The immediacy of email creates a false sense of importance. Only you can triage your email -- only you can decide what's important and needs immediate attention, and what's less critical and can wait. Many things clamor for your attention during the day -- honey, if you don't decide what matters, the clamor decides for you.

And the clamor doesn't always know what's best for you.

How To Like What You Do

Susan's complaining about her job. Oh, no, she likes her work -- she's just not crazy about the people she's working with. She's in a high-pressure, high-performance field where you "eat what you kill" -- in other words, she's paid a percentage of the contracts she closes.

The more we talk, it's apparent that Susan's frustrated because no one in the office is interested in working on projects with anyone else. No one refers Susan clients. No one comes to the parties she throws. People poach each other's support staff. She's never worked in a place like this and she's thinking about leaving.

I recommended Susan take the Myers-Briggs assessment. "But that's just for teams!" she blurted. "What can it do for an individual?" [note blatant set up here, which neatly introduces the subject I really want to write about!]

Back in the early 1920s, Katharine Cook Briggs discovered the work of pioneering psychologist Carl Jung. Katharine had been doing her own independent research on personality -- hoping to devise a tool to identify personality differences so that people could understand themselves and others -- and in Jung's theories found a workable personality type framework.

Katharine, the daughter of a college professor, had been home-schooled, so she home-schooled her own daughter, Isabel, in the same manner. In time, Isabel Briggs Myers -- armed with just a bachelor's degree, her mother's insights and her own determined curiosity -- developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

I love the idea that a mother and her daughter, working together, developed such a useful and insightful tool. They encountered resistance from the academic community who scoffed at their indicator -- they had no training, no credentials! Who did these women think they were?!

Katharine and Isabel, mother and daughter, weathered that storm. Eighty-some years after Katharine began her research, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is the the most widely used personality assessment in the world.

You may have taken the MBTI at some point -- and found your personality type represented by four letters, E or I, S or N, T or F, P or J. Sound at all familiar? There are sixteen possible combinations. You have a preference for either Extroversion or Introversion. You either Sense or Intuit. You Think or you Feel. You Perceive or you Judge.

"But," you say with a tiny whimper, "I am both Extroverted and Introverted. It depends on the situation." You are absolutely right. Jung theorized that, at our best, we know when it's appropriate to be Introverted and Extroverted, to Sense or to Intuit, and so on. The MBTI gets to what our innate preference is, regardless of which we may use in a particular situation.

Let's try an example of preference. Cross your arms across your chest. Note which arm is on top. Now, switch your arms so that the top arm is on the bottom. How's that feel? Awkward? Bet so. You have a marked preference for how you cross your arms, just as you have marked preferences for the way you see the world.

Neat, huh?

People with particular preferences tend to cluster in the same kind of field. Studies have shown, for instance, that people who choose the military have similar personality types -- hierarchical, traditional, practical -- and that makes sense, doesn't it? Similarly, people in the nursing field tend to have similar personality characteristics -- concerned with people, empathetic, open to solutions. Each type brings its own strengths and shortcomings, which naturally lend themselves to success or difficulty in particular fields.

After she took the Myers-Briggs assessment, I pointed out to Susan that one of the main problems might be that her type (ESFJ) has a strong preference for belonging. It's important that she feel part of a team, that she work in a hierarchy with known roles and an objective system for promotion. That means she might not fit in with an organization that values and rewards autonomous lone wolves. To be happier in her career, she can 1) bring more belongingness into her current workplace, or 2) find a workplace that fosters belonging.

Her eyes opened with understanding, and her path forward became a little clearer. And that's what Myers-Briggs is all about. Understanding yourself, and understanding those around you, so that you can be more effective and clear. Sure, MBTI is great for teams -- and [shameless self-plug warning] I'm happy to come into your workplace to deliver a knockout program that will help your team become more efficient, communicate better, solve interpersonal problems and retain employees -- but simply knowing and understanding your own personality type, and how it shapes your joys and your struggles, can be an eye-opening experience.

Standard Operating Procedure

The military invented the idea of Standard Operating Procedure. When in doubt, default to the SOP and, by taking the specified steps, your outcome will be exactly as the SOP predicts.

In my time in government, I came to think "SOP" really stood for "Same Old Plan". The Same Old Plan keeps things safe and comfortable -- and the outcome predictable.

Which is OK.

But not exactly creative. Or ground-breaking. Or exciting. Or quick. Or always right. In truth, the SOP doesn't have to solve the problem -- it just has to be followed.

I discovered that sometimes, in order to really solve the problem, you have to throw out the SOP in favor of a NIP. A New Innovative Plan.

To build a NIP, all you have to do is exactly the opposite of what the SOP requires. There's an old joke that goes something like this: "Man: 'Doctor, it hurts when I go like this' (banging his head against the table) Doctor: 'The cure is simple. Stop banging your head against the table.'"

Plain and simple -- a NIP keeps you from banging your head against the table. Here's a helpful way to decide if you need a NIP or an SOP -- if a SOP works, keep doing it. But if it's not working, NIP it in the bud. [I crack myself up.]

If your weight loss plan isn't working, take a look at your SOP. Not the SOP you tell everyone, but the SOP you actually follow, which is something like: "I'll get started on my diet tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to have this half gallon of ice cream." Remember, your NIP is the exact opposite of what you usually do, so your NIP is, "I'm starting right now and not eating the ice cream."

Want better communication with your teenager? Look at how you're communicating now. If your SOP is lectures, edicts and nagging, do you really wonder why she won't talk with you? Try the opposite -- listening, asking questions and showing respect for her opinions. You may not see a cleaner room, but you'll definitely have a better relationship.

"I keep meeting the same kind of guys," says a single woman. "They're irresponsible and all they want is a good time." OK. "Where are you looking?" she's asked. "Oh, in strip clubs, off-track betting shops and at dog fights. I guess there just aren't any respectable men left." Oh, there are plenty of them -- in places opposite to where you're looking. Try libraries, offices, dog parks, animal shelters, shopping malls, churches, synagogues, mosques and Buddhist meditation centers. For a start.

In the places in your life where you're stuck, take a look at your SOP. If it's not working for you, if you're not making the change you really, really want, then give a NIP a try. Do the exact opposite of what you've been doing, and watch your progress.

There's a disputed quote, attributed to both Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein, defining insanity as "doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different outcome." In that light, following a SOP is often an insane course. The NIP, however, is a pretty sane approach, don't you think?

You can attribute that one to me.

Funk Sway

The ancient Chinese art of feng shui seeks to correct or balance the energy in a place so that maximum happiness, prosperity and good fortune can occur. Feng shui is helpful in decluttering, redecorating and renovation. Practitioners train for years to understand the complex rules surrounding the harnessing of "chi" -- the energy that surrounds us.

I have my own method of decluttering, redecorating and harnessing chi. It's simple, with just a few rules. All you need is a CD player and the right music and you can change your life and your chi.

I call it "Funk Sway", and it's based on one universal premise: there is no way to be unhappy when you are dancing to classic funk music.

I am a certified Funk Sway master, and by reading this you will achieve your mastery, too.

Here's what you do: go to the room you want to re-energize. This next step is a very important element to set the tone for the entire Funk Sway process: you must play the funk classic "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" by Wild Cherry. Begin to sway...perchance to dance. When the song has concluded, choose your next song depending on what you'd like to achieve in your life.

To declutter, you must play "Pick Up The Pieces" by the Average White Band. Play it loud. Swaying will happen, trust me. Amid the swaying, and dancing, begin to literally pick up the pieces. In a few short minutes, you will be funk swaying your way into a tidier room!

To affirm your sense of gratitude, you need "Thank You (Falettime Be Mice Elf Agin)" by Sly and the Family Stone. Require some affirmation? It's "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus (and Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan). Want to develop a career in the movies? "Hollywood Swinging" by Kool and the Gang sets the proper tone. Lost something? Why, you need Parliament's "Flashlight" (or maybe a... neon light).

Grateful for your health and body? "Brick House" by the Commodores. Need to focus on being a more empathetic individual? "I Feel For You (I Think I Love You)" by Chaka Khan (Chaka Khan -- you know you always say it twice).

When you have met your objective for your Funk Sway session, the concluding song must be "Give Up The Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker)".

Your environment is now funkified. Your burdens have been laid down, and joy pervades.

It's time to free your inner funkster. Open yourself to the messages of the universe, contained in a brutal back beat and righteous horn section. Sway to the funk. Be one with the funk.

It's time to Funk Sway your chi, y'all.

Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter And Save Money

Spend an afternoon with the cable remote in your hand and you could come away with the idea that most people in the world are heavier than is healthy, have messy houses, lackluster love lives, and can't save a nickel.

I invested in some couch time the other day (in my on-going effort to perfect The Art of Being Lazy, of course), and was astounded by the number of TV shows about dealing with either too much (like possessions and food) or too little (love, fashion sense). And the one sad common thread among the folks on these shows was their overwhelming feeling of lack and their resulting self-punishing behaviors.

It comes down to this: when we feel powerless, we look to behaviors which allow us to grab onto a little bit of power. If I feel denied love, I am sure-as-shootin' not going to deny myself the cheesecake.

And after I eat the whole cheesecake in one sitting, I feel horrible about myself, decide I'm never going to have a boyfriend and get out of this hellhole of a life, so I turn to the chocolate ice cream in the freezer.

This cycle repeats, spinning down into a not very nice place to be. It's a place of powerlessness.

But there's good news. Turning powerlessness into power is a simple matter of shifting our thoughts. It's going from feeding yourself in an attempt to fill a gap, to feeding yourself out of self-respect and self-love.

It's "I can choose to eat anything, so I am choosing food which tastes good, is good for me and nurtures me."

Baby, that's power.

Power is also saying "I can have any old partner in a New York minute, but to have a partner who respects me and loves me, I have to love and respect myself first." Many of us get involved with unsuitable people because of the thought "Anybody's better than nobody." Anybody, because we maybe chose him out of panic, may be someone who affirms our inner sense of lack, rather than our inner strength. Where's the power in that?

When you chose a partner out of self-respect, you will have a partner worth having. When you spend your money out of self-respect, you will not overspend. When you live with things that reflect your self-respect, your clutter diminishes. When you feed yourself with an eye to nurturing that which is best in you, you will eat healthily.

You have the power to take care of yourself, and eliminate that which holds you back from your best life. You have the power -- use it.

The Art of Being Lazy

All art requires practice, and patience. Art requires the proper setting, too. And there is no better setting to perfect the art of being lazy than summer.

Being truly lazy seems a lost art in our time of instant messaging, instant gratification -- instant everything. We enjoy so many luxuries, except the luxury of time, which is precisely what the lazy state of being requires.

Summer beckons us away from the hustle and bustle and toward laziness. To laze about on a summer Sunday means to recharge batteries. To reconnect with other lazy souls. To rest. To think. To meander. To lollygag. To accomplish much, while accomplishing nothing of any great purpose.

And that's the point -- to have no apparent point. We spend so much of our working days striving. Summer laziness allows us to deposit that baggage at the door and really relax.

What's funny to me is the number of people who chastise themselves for being "lazy", yet when asked what they've accomplished today, they can tick off ten or twenty things. They don't see lazy as an art, but as a notion anathema to productive living.

But here's the deal: the art of being lazy is just as creative as any other art. While you're being "lazy", you are allowing your fertile mind to grow and bloom. You are creating something new. A new you.

Lazy is taking a walk -- not to get the aerobic workout, but to look at the flowers. Lazy is taking the time to read a book the whole way through -- in one sitting. Lazy is a catnap -- without giving a hoot about the chores waiting. Lazy is a two hour talk with your teenager about nothing at all, and everything in the world.

Lazy is loving yourself enough to let go of the need to impress and achieve long enough to really and truly relax and recharge.

Being lazy is an art and I mean to be an accomplished practitioner this summer. Will you join me?

Mistakes Were Made

Can you imagine a world without Post-It Notes? Well, you almost didn't have them... the adhesive used to make sticky notes sticky was a total mistake. In 1968, inventor Spence Silver was tinkering with adhesives and developed something quite unusual. According to the 3M website, Dr. Silver tried to get 3M brass to champion the new glue for five years. But it took Art Fry, a visionary at the company, to see the practical use -- he made a bookmark for his choir hymnal, and the purpose of the adhesive became clear. Post-It Notes were rolled out in 1980 and have become a great American product.

If our scientist-hero had been a perfectionist, he might have thrown out that batch of adhesive because he'd made a "mistake". Fortunately, Dr. Silver took the time to learn from his mistake -- and to see if he could do something with it.

Learning from mistakes. Something we've been taught all our lives, huh? But how many of us really do it? Seems like what we actually do is orient our lives so we don't make mistakes. We so control and prepare and plan that we allow no room for mistakes. No room for the creativity mistakes inspire. No room, then, for serendipity.

I love serendipity. Serendipity can only happen when you allow yourself room for it -- by first saying, "oops". Think of the guy who first thought: "What if I put peaches in...salsa?" Or the guy who missed his flight and met his future spouse? Or the woman who took a wrong turn... and avoided an accident. Or the scientist who screwed up a batch of glue, and became a millionaire?

Tightly controlling all aspects of our lives may help us feel safe, and unchallenged... but at what cost? We set up an impossible standard to live by -- perfection -- and then deal with the stress of not being able to meet "perfect" very often.

I'm face-to-face with my shortcomings everytime I'm on a golf course. Did you know that less that one half of one percent of all amateur golfers actually make par on every hole in a single round of golf? Yet, every golf course in the world is set up for the perfect player. The vast majority of golfers are far from perfect, and they keep on playing. How do they do it? Many golf instructors suggest golfers establish their own par for a hole: "I usually score six here, so if I do better than that, great!"

If you struggle with being perfect, think about setting your own "par". How do you usually do this task? What's good enough for you? Don't worry about the guy in the next cubicle, or the gal next to you in line, or those insistent voice of your mother in your head... what's your "par"? Shoot for your own par, make mistakes and leave room for serendipity. What will you create?

Cleaning a Closet

I cleaned out a closet the other day. "Yes," you're saying to yourself, "she lives such a glamorous life." So true.

I cleaned out a walk-in closet in preparation for a much needed paint job. It's been nine years since the closet was empty, let alone painted. It's past time for a thorough overhaul.

As I toted yet another armful of hanging clothes out, it occurred to me that I have way too much stuff. I was carrying junk I don't wear and don't even like too much, and I was carrying too much of it. And it wasn't just clothes. What were my high school yearbooks doing in there? Baby toys? (My kids are teens.) Two dozen books, a broken video camera, three shoeboxes full of photos, and assorted suitcases? In my clothes closet?

As I plopped the detritus of the closet into its Temporary Storage Area, I decided that the only things going back in the closet are things I really want in there.

Things I use.

Things I like.

Things that make me feel happy.

Thank goodness for paint jobs. Without this upcoming one, I wouldn't have taken the time to take a hard look at my stuff, dust the shelves and give the corners a good vacuuming.

Then it hit me: there's plenty of stuff to clean out of other closets. Like the closet between my ears. There's plenty of junk in there that's outdated, that I don't like, and that doesn't make me particularly happy.

How about you? Is now the time to get rid of the excess stuff you've accumulated -- to streamline your life and your thoughts so you can be your best self?

Maybe you have an outdated idea about yourself -- and it's holding you back. I worked with a woman recently who views herself as a struggling young homemaker, although her home is paid off, there is money in the bank and her kids are ready to go to college. Seeing herself as struggling feels comfortable, controllable and somehow appropriate. It's the way she's defined herself. It's her comfort zone. Not a happy comfort zone, but a comfort zone nonetheless.

She needs to clean out that closet.

Whether you're literally or figuratively ready to clean out a closet, now's the time. Examine everything that comes out of your closet -- does it fit? Is it in good shape? Does it bring out the best in you? Do you like it? If your answer is "yes", keep it. If the answer is "no", give it away.

Letting go of that which holds us back or weighs us down, allows space to open for us to grow and start something new. It's time to clean closets.

Supply & Demand

"I don't even know who I am any more," the 40-something woman across the table said to me. "Am I just someone's mom? Someone's wife? The chauffeur? The person who does the laundry and cooks the meals? Is that all I am?"

It's a perverse irony -- we love to do things for others, yet by doing so we often lose ourselves. We're always ready to help others, always available to tend to that which needs tending. We’re so accommodating that our help becomes expected rather than appreciated.

It's a fact that when things become too easy, too plentiful, too ubiquitous, they are often taken for granted. This is true whether it's a person place or thing. The bottom line is that when something is too available, it is less valuable.

But that's supply and demand for you. Too much supply in the system yields lower value. More demand than supply raises value.

If you are someone who derives meaning and purpose from being needed, you may find that your willingness to drop your priorities to help others meet their priorities devalues both you and what you want to do.

Here’s an example: The laundry is always done on time. Your family comes to expect it. There is always food, and no one fixes meals but you. You help with homework. You come running when called. Even when you are knee deep in paying bills, figuring income taxes or coordinating the big fundraiser, you drop what you are doing to help someone else. You feel frustrated because you never seem to finish anything, and you can't concentrate long enough to focus on the big picture.

Another example: You have a big project on your dance card. You chunk it up into doable steps and make a plan for getting it all done on time. Then Jim pops his head into your cube and says, "Can you help me with the Framastan contract?" You like being needed, especially by Jim (who is a good guy but REALLY needy), so you say, "Sure!" Next thing you know, Jim is presenting and not mentioning that you helped in any way -- and your project is still not done.

An example of putting your own needs last: Your source of soul-boosting strength is full sweat mountain biking. However, whenever you go biking you feel guilty if you don't bring your two year old along in a bike seat, and your five year old along on his own bike. They can't manage trails, so you stick to the flat path. You never break a sweat and your soul is teased, but not nourished.

When your needs are always trumped by another’s needs, you telegraph the message “I am not important.” Oh, you may feel important in the doing, and in being needed. But if your own objectives and priorities are not valued – even by you – your own objectives and priorities will fall by the wayside.

When you provide endless supply, the value of what you provide is diminished. In fact, your very sense of self becomes diminished.

How do you get supply and demand into appropriate balance? Start by honoring your own needs, values, objectives and priorities. Easier said than done? OK, I’ll give you a script.

Your child yells, “Hey, come look at this!” You say, “Sweetie pie, I am working on the taxes and can’t come right now. Can you explain to me what you see?” That way, if what he wants you to see is a commercial for Snappy-Poppy O’s or an escaped gerbil or, oh, blood, you can react accordingly. You are also teaching him that what you do is important and deserves respect. A great life lesson.

Jim asks for help on the Framastan contract. You say, “Jim, I’d love to help you but I have to get this project done by Thursday at 3pm. Can I help you after that?” In all likelihood, Jim will move on and look for another sucker to do his work for him. And you have proven that you are not that sucker.

You plan to go mountain biking to work up a sweat and feed your soul. Keep that objective in mind and leave the kids at home in the care of someone wonderful (then, when you get home and are showered, push that caring someone out the door for his or her own soul-feeding time). Prioritize your “me time” – because doing so helps you be a better parent.

Sometimes your over-supply of “help and assistance” can be read as “You are not capable of doing this for yourself” or “You will make a muddle of this, so I am going to take care of it.” Both of these sentiments completely disempower the other person. Think about it: when you go on a girl’s weekend once a year and always arrange a babysitter to support your husband, what message are you sending? That he’s incapable of effective parenting? Then why in the world do you complain that he never does anything? You’ve already sent him the message that he can’t, loud and clear.

We lose ourselves, like the 40-year old woman I talked with, when we devalue our selves by being too available, and not honoring our own needs and objectives. So, be careful of what you supply. Calibrate your help and assistance to meet reasonable demands. Keep your value up by giving others the chance to meet their own demands. You have a right to know who you are, and you get it through a steady supply of self-respect.

Here, But Not Here

The other day I was in the mall running some errands and saw the cutest high school couple. Their arms were entwined – her right hand in his back pocket, his left in hers – as they walked arm in arm. Sweet. Brought back memories. Until I looked closer and saw that the boy was chit-chatting on his cell phone while he strolled with his sweetie. Sweetie had a look on her face which was one part “Woo-hoo! I’ve-got-a-boyfriend-look-at-me” and one part “When is he going to get off the phone?”

This brought to mind a trip to Disney World where I saw a father glued to his Blackberry while the family stood in a slow-moving line. The mother would try to engage him in a conversation with her and the kids and he would absently respond, “Uh, huh” or “Mmmm” whether or not those were relevant responses. Finally, the exasperated mother said, “Honey, we are on vacation. This is not your office. Put the Blackberry away.” It was as if he were coming out of a trance as he slipped it into his pocket. He was there, but not there. I wonder where he wanted to be.

Cell phones and Blackberrys have given us a way to be present physically but absent, practically. We’re here, but not here. And, for the sake of our relationships, I think it’s time we put the phone down, so we can be right here, right now.

Now, I’m no Luddite. I don’t hate technology. I like technology. In fact, I am a gadget girl. Give me a new electronic gizmo and I can spend hours noodling with it. I read about new cell phones, TVs, DVDs, computers, programs, cameras, PDAs – all that stuff. I’m an early adopter who enjoys finding new tools which allow me to do things more efficiently. Especially tools with cool little buttons that make noises and glow in the dark.

But cell phones and Blackberrys are everywhere, and steal our time and attention. They allow us to keep relationships at an arm’s length (the length of the arm holding the phone, bent to our ear, in fact). They help us stay superficially involved. It’s as if we’re asking for credit for hanging out with one person while we’re really hanging out with whoever’s on the other end of the phone.

When you’re there, but not there, you divide your attention so no one or nothing is getting all of you. Some of us seem to use the cell phone for precisely this reason. The distance provided by being on a call calibrates a relationship. It gives power to the person with the phone – they decide who can talk with whom, when. It provides a great excuse for emotional distance. I don’t have to be fully engaged in a difficult discussion with you because (saved by the bell!) my phone is ringing!

I tell my clients, “Look at how you’re spending your time and you will know where your priorities lie.” What are you telegraphing about your priorities when you interrupt a conversation with a real, live person to take a call from a person who's not even there? How do you think the person you’re sitting across the table from, who you’ve effectively put on “hold”, feels? Important? Valuable? Relevant?

Take a minute to think about the times when you’re there, but not there. Gizmos and gadgets can create a false urgency in our lives. They decide so you don't have to. But they can't have relationships for you.

Setting boundaries around when you answer calls, or check email, can help get you started on building quality relationships with people in your life. Need some help finding appropriate boundaries? Here are some ideas:

• No answering the phone when there’s only one other person present – say your spouse, your child, your parole officer

• No checking email in church or at your child’s play or during your performance review

• You might even consider – gasp – not taking your cell phone or Blackberry on vacation

“But, Michele!” you gasp. “I’m multi-tasking! Isn’t that what an effective person does?”

No. Multi-tasking is when you try to cram more into a minute than a minute deserves. Multi-tasking is what an overwhelmed, overstressed, anxious person does. A balanced person, present in the moment, actually does one thing at a time, devoting as much attention as needed to accomplish the task at hand.

Now, does that mean that if you leave a message for someone you can’t do a thing until they return your phone call? You certainly may do something else. But when they call you back, don’t check your email while you conduct your call.

Because you’ll be there, but not there.

“But, Michele!” you shout. “I’m very important! The office can’t do without me! I have to be in touch 24/7! I have to have my Blackberry.”

I know you are very, very important. But play a game with me, will you? Name a really important person in the world. OK – the Pope. Do you think the Pope carries a Blackberry? Does he check it during church? Does he answer his cell phone when he’s having audiences? Or hearing confession?

My guess is that the Pope knows what’s important. He knows the greatest gift you can give someone else is to be there with them. To hear them, to know them, to respect them, to be present right there, in that moment, with them.

The secret to happy lives and rich relationships has nothing to do with gizmos and gadgets – it has everything to do with you, and how often you can be right here, right now. Set your own priorities. Don't let some electronic device serve as an artificial barrier to meaningful connection with others.

You owe it to yourself, and others, to be here, now.

Questions & Answers

More than once I have been known to say, "Work is a four-letter word." And, sometimes it is -- I sense a lot of heads nodding in unison. Yet, at times work transcends and becomes something which gives meaning and purpose to our lives. Coaching can help you move from soul-sucking, four-letter-word work to fulfilling, meaningful work. Coaching can also help improve other parts of your life. Let me give you some examples:

I can't stand my boss. She makes my day miserable. She's a horrible leader -- she can't make decisions, she avoids conflicts, she passes most of the tough decisions on to me. That means I have even more work to do! She also loses her temper and rages around the office. She's really unpredictable. What can I do?

Quit. No, I'm just sort of kidding. OK, I might not be kidding. In all things, I suggest you give a situation your best shot before throwing in the towel. That way you can walk away knowing that you tried everything possible to make a situation work. When you have problems with your boss, usually it's one of two things: 1) your Bully Boss reminds you of someone you've had trouble with in the past, or 2) your Bully Boss exhibits traits you wish you had yourself. I often ask clients who their Bully Boss reminds them of -- and they usually know exactly who to finger (most frequently they're reminded of a tyrannical parent or other powerful figure from their childhood).

Then, we look at what it is that's similar (inexplicable rage, unpredictability, favoritism, etc.) and work on understanding how that influences your actions, or holds you back. When the Bully Boss has traits you wish you had -- you might say, "No way! I'm nothing like that bully!" To which I say, "Way", and ask you to list everything you hate about the Bully Boss. Then we'll go back through the list and figure out what you need to strengthen or to claim.

In one case, a client was perturbed that the Boss always brown-nosed more senior people, asking them to lunch or coffee or other activities. After doing an exercise or two, the client realized that she was envious of her Bully Boss, because the client wished she had the gumption to interact with senior staff. She made a goal of asking a Senior V.P. to lunch, and it worked. Her tension with her boss lessened substantially. However, if you look at how your own judgments and biases may be contributing to your work environment and still determine that the problem is your boss -- then get your resume together, activate your network and throw in the towel. Some situations cannot be fixed.

I've just been promoted to a big job -- I'm managing some of the people who were interviewed for this position. There's a lot of back-stabbing and office politics. How do I make the most of my new job?

First, you have to play the part. If you are a manager or senior executive, you have to own that role. Notice what the other senior people wear, and match their level of professional dress. Impressions about you are made in the very first few weeks of your new job -- claim your authority from the beginning. I have a client who started as an executive at a major organization where few women were in senior ranks. So my client dressed and acted how she thought an executive should, and no one doubted her authority. In fact, she was promoted in the first two months on the job.

The second part of this scenario is more complicated -- managing someone who was considered for the position you now hold. Yikes! The best strategy is to win that person over. Ask about their successes and carefully seek their opinion. I say "carefully" because you don't want to cede your authority to them. Rather, keep in mind that you want to foster a harmonious team and act accordingly. Do your best to avoid office gossip -- as a manager, you set the tone and can send a message that damaging, back-stabbing office gossip will not be tolerated. Finally, taking a new, big job might be slightly scary and you might be tempted to use self-deprecating humor to break the ice. Big honking mistake. If you "run yourself down", as your mama would say, you leave yourself wide open for others to do the same. Act confidently and leave your insecurities at home.

I'm scared of making decisions. I think that whatever I do, I'll make the wrong choice and live to regret it. Any advice?

I believe the vast majority of human beings are influenced by fear. Specifically, the fear of death. And my recommended antidote? Walk right into the fear. If you are afraid of dying, you'll do anything to avoid situations where you could possibly, potentially, tangentially die. You avoid talk of death, and maybe even avoid funerals.

All this avoidance only serves to make your fear bigger. When you walk up to your fear and shake its hand, you may find that the fear is groundless and not worth fearing. In that instance, you can walk right through your fear -- and not be hamstrung by it any longer. This is true when you fear another person's rage, when you fear failure, when you fear shame. Walk up to it and ask, "Why am I afraid of you? What will happen to me because of you?" Keep asking, "What happens next?" until you get to the point where you understand exactly what your fear is... and shake its hand. I promise, you will have a better chance of walking through to no-fear than if you keep avoiding what makes you fearful in the first place.

I'm 53, divorced, empty-nester. I've had a job at a non-profit but it's not fulfilling any more. My kids are gone and starting lives of their own. I have a good ten or fifteen years before I retire -- what do I do with myself?

When looking up the road, it's often useful to look back down the road we've already traveled. As your coach, I'd start by helping you assess your core values and see how you have lived them, or, perhaps subordinated them in service of some other priority. By knowing your values, you can construct a future based on them -- thereby increasing your sense of meaning and purpose. We'd also consider how much money you need to make (not want, sugar -- need, and YOU KNOW there is a difference) and how you want to live. These simple two steps put folks a long way toward what might be a surprising, meaningful, brand-new road.

I think I'm married to the wrong person. There's just no 'zing' in our marriage. He takes care of the basics but there's no romance. Whenever I ask him to do something -- like talk with me more about his feelings, or share his life with me -- he does it for a few days then goes right back into the rut. We hardly ever have sex. It almost feels like we don't have anything in common. I can't be married like this for the rest of my life! What do I do?

Simple advice: Get thee into therapy. As a coach, I've taken specialized training to help couples strengthen their marriages. I can help with tips and tactics to improve the quality of your marriage, but when you feel like this about your marriage, you are a zillion times more likely to do something you might ultimately regret (just because Stella got her groove back with a handsome young man, doesn't mean you will).

In therapy, you can voice your concerns about your marriage and learn skills and tactics to enhance your relationship. I particularly like the Imago therapy approach developed by Harville Hendrix (his Getting the Love You Want is a great book). Go to www.imagotherapy.com and search for a qualified Imago therapist in your area. Many of my clients work with me individually while also working with a couples counselor. As I mentioned above, don't throw in the towel until you've tried everything to make it work -- which includes a commitment to couples counseling.

The Way of Transition

The seasons are changing. I can see it outside my window. There are little buds on the Japanese maple. Tulip tips are pushing up through the ground. There’s a light, warm quality to the breeze – it’s bringing spring.

I love spring. Since I can remember, spring has meant happiness. Sure, it’s my birthday in a few weeks and the kid in me loves that. But the soon-to-be 47 year old grown-up in me has a different reason for joy.

I give a class on Managing Transition. Did you know that each transition begins with an ending? Odd, but so. We end a job, or a relationship, or an old way of being. Then we enter what writer William Bridges calls The Neutral Zone. I like to think of it as the Gray Period.

In my class, I liken the Gray Period to winter. Trees look dead. Grass looks dead. It’s cold. People hunker down. There’s a certain bleak stillness to winter. But inside those lifeless looking trees and plants, plenty is going on. Within each dormant tree are the tiny little beginnings of buds waiting to burst forth.

And so it is, too, with people in transition. They endure an ending which may bring grief, change, uncertainty, immobilization. Then they hunker down in a bleak stillness, seemingly doing nothing… but inside, if they could peek, so much is growing, changing and shifting. Inside, there’s a new beginning.

The new beginning is as inevitable as Spring. A renewal. A new start. A new optimism.

When people in transition tell me there’s no hope, I usually challenge them. Saying there’s no hope is like telling me there’s no Spring! Honey, just as sure as having a birthday, there’s always a Spring.

Certainly, March can come in like a lion or a lamb – it’s an unpredictable month. And transition is equally unpredictable. One can never know the look and shape of a new beginning, nor can we know how it will impact our lives. And perhaps that’s what people who voice “no hope” are trying to address. It’s not that there’s no hope – it’s just that there’s no control.

Control is such an overrated thing. I have a book on my desk (which I’ve not yet read), called A Perfect Mess by Eric Abrahamson and David Freedman which posits that disorder can spark creativity. On the book jacket (which I have read), it says, “Though it flies in the face of almost universally accepted wisdom, moderately disorganized people, institutions, and systems frequently turn out to be more efficient, more resilient, more creative, and in general more effective than highly organized ones…”

In my work I've found that those who approach the Gray Period with a certain level of uncertainty, disorder and, most importantly, openness, have a better opportunity to find a novel or creative approach which often sparks their new beginning.

On an episode of The Simpsons, Homer was, once again, out of a job. His daughter Lisa was going through the want ads, looking for a job for her dad. “Dad, here’s one,” she said. “Wanted: a technical supervisor.” “Oh, Lisa,” Homer whined. “I could never do that job. I’m not a technical supervisor, I’m a supervising technician!”

The Gray Period is a time for seeing connections – to see how a technical supervisor can become a supervising technician. How an at-home mom can become a business owner. How a lawyer can become a non-profit executive. How an engineer can become a clergywoman. How a suddenly motherless woman can learn to nurture herself. How down-sizing, or divorce, or even death, can be the best thing that ever happened to you.

And that’s where I find joy. I utterly embrace transition in all its messy splendor. I welcome it for the hope it engenders in me. Because I know that for every ending, there is a new beginning. Every. Single. Time. It may not feel possible in the middle of your own personal Gray Period, but, believe me, Spring is there -- just waiting to burst forth.

How will you know when your Gray Period has ended? My friend, when you feel the warm breeze blowing across your face, and see the trees bud, and tulip tops poking up, you will know. You have a new start. You have Spring. Even if your new beginning comes in a month other than March.