Help!

“I lift up my eyes to the hills – from where will my help come?” (Psalm 121) This line from the Bible has always made me think of the cavalry swooping down over a ridge in some old western movie, bugles blaring and standards waving.

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth,” is the response the Psalm gives us. No word on the cavalry.

One of my biggest problems with “self-help” is the reliance on the word “self”. There’s one big “should” there – we should pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, forge our own path, fly solo, hoe our own row and, as Fleetwood Mac so succinctly put it, “go our own way.” It’s as if asking for help is revealing a giant weakness.

What’s the benefit of flying solo? Control, yes. And self-determination. Another good one: you don’t have to share your toys. When you are on your own no one else’s opinion matters… no one can tell you you’re wrong. No one can hurt you by rejecting your ideas.

Flying solo is a way of protecting yourself. Or, in the words of another pop song, “I am a rock, I am an island. I’ve built walls, A fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island.” (See? All those afternoons singing into my hairbrush have really paid off. And to think my parents worried about my future!)

I have seen so many women stop asking their husbands for help, especially when they have decided to step back from careers to focus on parenting. It’s as if these women feel they have to justify their decision by doing everything themselves. As a result, they feel lonely, overwhelmed, stressed out and alienated from their spouse. They have created a situation where they cannot ask for exactly what they need – help. And marriages suffer.

Gary Zukav wrote a challenging little book called The Seat of the Soul. Parts of the book are what my late cousin Libby would have called “woo-woo”, but his definition of relationship is right on: “individuals joined in equality for the purpose of spiritual growth.” What a marvelous way to phrase it.

If I am your friend, or your spouse, I am an individual committed to your spiritual growth. I truly want the best for you. I want you to grow. I want you to evolve, regardless of what that means for me.

However. The equals thing and the pursuit of growth thing may not be what you've got going on. If that's the case, maybe the reason you two don't ask for help is because you really don't want growth. Deep inside you think that if you grow you might change or your partner might change. They might not like you. You may not like them. You might leave. Or they might. That's scary. So you don't ask for help because you don't want to be abandoned. You're afraid that asking for help will reveal flaws in your relationship that may be too big to handle, so you don't ask. Sound at all familiar?

Let me tell you this: very few relationships are beyond repair -- especially if both of you want a more vibrant, loving connection. It is possible to shift away from fear and toward something more -- but you may need help to get there.

All you need to do is ask.

If you and I were in the equals-in-pursuit-of-growth kind of relationship/ friendship Gary Zukav describes, I want you to ask me for help. Not so I have a chit I can hold over your head for the rest of your stinkin’ life – but so I can help you, maybe in some small way, pursue your own personal growth.

But, if you want to know the truth, when I help you the real recipient of growth is... me. When I help you, I step out of my self-centered, narcissistic cocoon and focus externally. When I pack boxes with you, or help you with the dishes, or refer you business, or help you finally figure out your relationship with your mother, I put your needs before my own. And that is a great gift you give me. By asking for my help, you allow me to see a bigger world than I usually experience.

Zukav’s book also talks about angels, teachers and guides. This is the place he goes a little more woo-woo.

But when you think about it, it’s not so far out there.

Think about the time you had a baby on one hip, a toddler by the hand, three stuffed shopping bags and a stroller that needed folding before you got on the escalator during the Christmas shopping rush. Who stepped in and helped? Did you say, “Thank you, you're an angel!” to that guy? You sure could have. How about the woman in your first job who talked with you about suits, pantyhose and office politics? What did she teach you? And the fellow who stopped in the rain and changed your tire? Did he guide you to a moment when you were grateful and humble?

When the Psalm says, “From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth” -- remember that each of the examples above are human beings, just like you and me. If humans were indeed made in the divine image, then we all carry a spark of divinity within. You’ve got the spark, I’ve got the spark, he’s got it, she’s got it. Everybody's got it.

And your help? It comes directly from the divine spark within others.

So it’s OK to ask for help. Think of it this way: you’re doing everyone a favor! You’re appealing to our highest self, and allowing us to grow, and to touch the divine within.

Which is the essence of love. And the opposite of fear.

And not at all weak.

The Way of Transition

The seasons are changing. I can see it outside my window. There are little buds on the Japanese maple. Tulip tips are pushing up through the ground. There’s a light, warm quality to the breeze – it’s bringing spring.

I love spring. Since I can remember, spring has meant happiness. Sure, it’s my birthday in a few weeks and the kid in me loves that. But the soon-to-be 47 year old grown-up in me has a different reason for joy.

I give a class on Managing Transition. Did you know that each transition begins with an ending? Odd, but so. We end a job, or a relationship, or an old way of being. Then we enter what writer William Bridges calls The Neutral Zone. I like to think of it as the Gray Period.

In my class, I liken the Gray Period to winter. Trees look dead. Grass looks dead. It’s cold. People hunker down. There’s a certain bleak stillness to winter. But inside those lifeless looking trees and plants, plenty is going on. Within each dormant tree are the tiny little beginnings of buds waiting to burst forth.

And so it is, too, with people in transition. They endure an ending which may bring grief, change, uncertainty, immobilization. Then they hunker down in a bleak stillness, seemingly doing nothing… but inside, if they could peek, so much is growing, changing and shifting. Inside, there’s a new beginning.

The new beginning is as inevitable as Spring. A renewal. A new start. A new optimism.

When people in transition tell me there’s no hope, I usually challenge them. Saying there’s no hope is like telling me there’s no Spring! Honey, just as sure as having a birthday, there’s always a Spring.

Certainly, March can come in like a lion or a lamb – it’s an unpredictable month. And transition is equally unpredictable. One can never know the look and shape of a new beginning, nor can we know how it will impact our lives. And perhaps that’s what people who voice “no hope” are trying to address. It’s not that there’s no hope – it’s just that there’s no control.

Control is such an overrated thing. I have a book on my desk (which I’ve not yet read), called A Perfect Mess by Eric Abrahamson and David Freedman which posits that disorder can spark creativity. On the book jacket (which I have read), it says, “Though it flies in the face of almost universally accepted wisdom, moderately disorganized people, institutions, and systems frequently turn out to be more efficient, more resilient, more creative, and in general more effective than highly organized ones…”

In my work I've found that those who approach the Gray Period with a certain level of uncertainty, disorder and, most importantly, openness, have a better opportunity to find a novel or creative approach which often sparks their new beginning.

On an episode of The Simpsons, Homer was, once again, out of a job. His daughter Lisa was going through the want ads, looking for a job for her dad. “Dad, here’s one,” she said. “Wanted: a technical supervisor.” “Oh, Lisa,” Homer whined. “I could never do that job. I’m not a technical supervisor, I’m a supervising technician!”

The Gray Period is a time for seeing connections – to see how a technical supervisor can become a supervising technician. How an at-home mom can become a business owner. How a lawyer can become a non-profit executive. How an engineer can become a clergywoman. How a suddenly motherless woman can learn to nurture herself. How down-sizing, or divorce, or even death, can be the best thing that ever happened to you.

And that’s where I find joy. I utterly embrace transition in all its messy splendor. I welcome it for the hope it engenders in me. Because I know that for every ending, there is a new beginning. Every. Single. Time. It may not feel possible in the middle of your own personal Gray Period, but, believe me, Spring is there -- just waiting to burst forth.

How will you know when your Gray Period has ended? My friend, when you feel the warm breeze blowing across your face, and see the trees bud, and tulip tops poking up, you will know. You have a new start. You have Spring. Even if your new beginning comes in a month other than March.

Wikification

I got a question from a charming man this week, which prompted a choo-choo train of thought. Which, of course, I will share with you.

This intelligent, thoughtful man asked, “How can corporations navigate the new political waters?”

Good question.

I believe we are in the midst of a significant shift in the way everything is organized – from political life to corporate life to consumer behavior to personal action. As Steve Jobs said in his 2005 commencement address to Stanford students, it’s very hard to connect the dots looking forward, but much easier when you look back.

Looking back over the past several years, I see a clear trend toward what I call “Wikification”. You know Wikipedia? It’s the online encyclopedia which anyone in the world can add to, edit or revise. Over the last few years, it’s become the largest encyclopedia ever developed, and it’s increasingly the encyclopedia of record. In fact, the New York Times says over 100 U.S. judicial decisions have relied on Wikipedia since 2004.

Wikipedia broadens the scope of people who are involved in a process. Rather than a long, laborious, closed process by select scholars, the Wikipedia is a relatively swift, open collaboration by a wide spectrum of experts.

And who are those experts? Why, you and me.

Similarly, you have become the expert on what you listen to. Remember 20 years ago when you could only listen to Top 40, oldies, classical or acid rock on the radio? Today, thanks to IPods, satellite radio and the Internet, you can make your own playlist and listen to whatever you want. Many people don't even listen to AM or FM radio any more. And as a result, some radio broadcasters have seen their revenue decline up to 50%.

Likewise, the recording industry has changed. It used to be that an artist could not get heard unless he had a contract with a major label. Now, however, an artist can get his or her start on the Internet and parlay that into sales and performing gigs. Record labels have folded, or suffered huge layoffs – and their profits have declined significantly.

You have to have three data points to see a trend, so let me give you another. Publishing. Remember how we used to say how hard it was to get a book published? Not so today. Why? Because you can publish a book with a service like Lulu.com and not split a cent of your profits with an agent or publishing house. The authors I have talked to recently suggest this is the way to get their work to the public – to bypass the publishing gatekeepers and keep the profits for themselves.

Just one more to make the point. Remember when we had three TV networks? If a story led the evening news, it led the national discussion. If the story were biased or incomplete or otherwise flawed, we had few ways to discover the truth. Now, however, viewership of the evening news has radically declined, and a plethora of news outlets exist. Indeed, the challenge for news consumers today is sifting through the many voices for what resonates as true. But the diversity of opinion, I believe, leads to a deeper understanding.

And that, my friends, is the trend. We are bypassing the gatekeepers. More and more, you are becoming your own gatekeeper. You are deciding what you listen to, what you read, what you watch, what you do.

What does this mean for the former gatekeepers? Beside sheer panic, there are a couple of things. First, no more wholesale, one-size-fits-all mindset. People want one-to-one relationships. They want respect for their own niche, their own interests.

Second, former gatekeepers need to shift from the “telling” posture (“We will tell you what you can like”) to the “listening” posture (“Tell me what you’d like.”) If gatekeepers fail to listen to their customers and clients, they will continue to develop products and services too macro – and find that demand is just not there.

Third, collaboration is key. A dialogue with customers, clients and users is vital. I can see a time when most companies host their own discussion boards so customers can provide instant input on products and services, allowing businesses to tweak or alter product lines – leading to greater success.

The problem many gatekeepers have with this new trend is a loss of power. Rather than a powerful individual or organization making a market, the market is made organically. It's a diffusion of power, placing a chunk of it in many hands. And the former gatekeeper ignores this at his or her own peril. Those who continue with top-down approaches will find themselves either left behind or chasing dwindling markets.

So far, I’ve talked about business and not politics, but the trend is clear there, too. When Barack Obama raised a crowd of 20,000 by a single post on Facebook.com, I stood up and took notice. Once again, he spoke to a niche which might have been overlooked by the old gatekeepers.

Just like businesses, politicians need to adopt the listening posture, and stop telling. They, too, need to seek and use the expert advice of their constituents. They need to collaborate – with their colleagues as well as with their constituents. No more secret earmarks, no more smoke and mirrors. No more top-down approaches. No more power-grabbing. No more wholesale politics. No more business as usual.

Because the way of business has changed.

How To Get What You Want

Have you heard about The Secret? It’s a book developed from a movie – and it’s got incredible buzz. It’s sold 1.7 million copies since Thanksgiving. When it was featured on Oprah's TV show February 8th of this year, viewers almost crashed her website seeking more information.

The idea behind The Secret is not a new one – I’m going to tell you The Secret right now, so stop reading if you don’t want to know it -- it’s this: You can get anything you want. If you just ask and believe, you will receive.

This idea has been around since man first sparked flint against stone. Some people call it The Power of Positive Thinking, some people call it Cosmic Ordering, some people call it Intention Setting, some call it the Attractor Factor, and some folks just call it prayer. The gist is that you can draw positive things to you by your intention and attitude.

The people behind The Secret are truly marketing geniuses – they’ve reworked an ancient idea and made it a multi-million dollar fad. But I’m afraid some folks using The Secret are going to be disappointed.

Because it’s not just the asking that’s important. You have to know why you’re asking in the first place.

I have to disclose that I believe strongly in the power of visualization, intention setting and attracting what you want. In fact, I do it regularly. And it works. My method is a little different from The Secret, and I’ll share it with you now. It won’t cost you a nickel.

Michele's Secret: just Center, Seek, Visualize, Request, continue to Visualize, and you will Receive.

So, first, you have to find your Center. That means you have to get in the place where you do your best, clearest thinking. For some, it may be a quiet meditative spot. Some may find taking a brisk walk or a run conducive to thought. Others might choose the perennial favorite, the shower (as in “I do my best thinking in the shower!”). Some people find Zen in folding laundry. Whatever. Just get yourself clear and focused.

Then, Seek. The Seeking phase is where you ask yourself “What do I want?” For me, this question has two parts: “What do I want more of that I already have?” and, “What do I want that I don’t have?”

Let’s say you Center and Seek and come up with: I want a Mercedes-Benz. If you stop right there and ask the Universe for a Mercedes-Benz, I have to tell you – you’re probably not going to get it. Before you Request, you have to know why you want a Mercedes.

If you answer, “I want a Mercedes because then everyone will know I’m rich and can afford a car like that”, then you are coming from a place of ego and the Universe doesn’t reward ego-based desires. Sorry. An intention that can only be fulfilled by hurting someone else is likewise a no go. So no intentions around your ex getting hit by falling space debris. Bummer.

If you pursue the idea “If I have a Mercedes, everyone will know I’m rich” down to the core, you might find that what you seek is affirmation – and that's what you truly need to attend to. The car is just a dodge from the real problem.

However, if when you Seek you come up with, “I want a Mercedes because they are well-built vehicles and a ton of fun to drive,” then that is a pure intention. How do you know it’s pure? Simple. If the result you desire is just for you, doesn't harm anyone and doesn't involve any other person's perception of you, then you aren't coming from ego.

And don’t think you can say one thing and really mean another – the key to this whole deal is aligning your intention at your deepest level of mind and spirit. An ego-based intention, even if it’s unspoken, will never get you what you want.

After you Center and Seek, you Visualize. We know visualization works in sports, we know it works in business. It also works in regular old life. So, Visualize sitting in your Mercedes. What’s the seat feel like? How is the steering wheel under your fingers? What’s the engine sound like?At this point, I also ask myself, “What do I need to attract into my life to get this?” If you want that Mercedes, you may have to attract reasonable financing, or a windfall, or a pay boost. If you want deep meaningful intimate relationships, you may need to attract thoughtful, open and loving people into your life.

Then, you Request. When I Request, I usually write it down. I express gratitude for what I have, and ask for what I want. In my case, I am asking God – and you can ask God, too, however you happen to perceive God. You can also release your desire to the Universe, to nothingness, to your guardian angel, to Jackie Chan. Whatever organizes the world for you.

After you Request, you keep Visualizing what it will be like to get what you want. You hold that powerful visualization in your mind and you keep touching base with it, throughout the days and weeks to come.

And, believe it or not, you will Receive what you want..

“Pshaw.” That’s what I hear a reader from Pennsylvania saying. “What a bunch of hooey.”

OK, I can prove this works. On Tuesday, February 20, 2007, I did this exercise. I came up with four things I want in my life. I will share two of them. I asked for support of my financial goals by sending me clients who I can help. I also asked for help expressing myself through my writing and speaking.

By the time I went to bed on Wednesday, February 21, 2007, I had: three new clients; two clients who paid me for work done in December and January; one new speaking engagement; and, four good leads on publishing.

Coincidence? Maybe. But it sure as shootin' happened. And it’s not the first time. Center, Seek, Visualize, Request, continue to Visualize and, then, you will Receive.

Exciting, isn’t it? What would happen if you gave it a try? What would happen if you actually asked for what you want?

Why you just might get it.

The Company You Keep

My first job after college was working for a beer company. Yep, I was hired to take on the onerous duty of selling beer to college students. Such hard work! For undertaking this major, heavy-lifting responsibility, I got a company car, an expense account, tickets to major sporting events all over the Pacific Northwest and all the gimme t-shirts a girl could want.

Nice work if you can get it, believe me.

At the time, and probably even today, the beer industry was dominated by men. I can’t tell you how many times I was the only woman in the room. It was a guy business, run by guys, governed by guy rules – and I sure learned to play by guy rules.

Which meant I swore like a sailor.

Everywhere I went – every warehouse, every meeting, every bar, every grocery store – people were using swear words. They were used as adjectives. As nouns. As verbs. Even as dangling participles.

I swam in an ocean of obscenity. And I took to it like a fish to water.

Imagine my surprise when, in my next job, I let go a stream of what I considered normal, creative invective and the room fell deadly quiet. Guess what? My new colleagues didn’t swear. I felt like a fish out of water. A fish with a potty mouth.

Group dynamics certainly govern our behavior. What’s acceptable to one crowd may be completely unacceptable to another. The trick is to find a group which supports that which is best in us – rather than a group that appeals to, how shall I say it? Our baser instincts.

There’s a public service announcement on TV now which shows a stick figure lounging in a window, smoking a joint. He offers a hit to the dog. The dog declines the opportunity. The stick figure says, “I feel bad about what I’m doing. If you did it with me, I’d feel less bad.” Maybe the dog’s name is B-I-N-G-O, because that’s what I felt like saying when I saw the ad. Bingo! People who feel bad about what they are doing need me to do it, too, so they can feel less bad.

In her book Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass suggests that one of the ways to affair-proof your marriage is to associate with people who are not only friends of marriage in general, but friends of your marriage in particular. In fact, Dr. Glass’ research shows that associating with people who are in affairs, or who condone, support or encourage affairs, increases the likelihood that your marriage will end in divorce.

It’s like a new norm is invented by the company you keep. If everyone swears, then it’s normal to swear. If everyone takes office supplies home, then it’s not stealing – it’s actually OK to put that Xerox copier in your pocketbook and haul it home. If people are rewarded for swindling clients, then clients get swindled. If everyone is cheating on their spouse, then it’s not cheating, really – it’s fun, it’s cool, it’s how the game is played. It may be unethical, but it's the norm. And when you live unethically, day in and day out, your self-esteem erodes.

That’s why finding your “tribe” of like-minded friends is vitally important to your marriage, to your workplace, to your happiness -- to your sense of self.

Friends help you be your best self. They support your personal growth, are objective and appropriately affirming. I say “appropriately” because it would be perfectly fine with me if a friend were less than affirming – especially if I had wandered off on some weird track that was not really that good for me. Like if I were spending day after day in my jammies eating junk food, not bathing, muttering to myself and watching back-to-back Rachel Ray shows. Some people call that “bad”. Other people call it “March, 2004.”

Moving on.

Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite spiritual writers,defined love as making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. My kids’ pediatrician has a framed print on his wall, “Let him be left-handed if that’s how he’s made.” Love, then, is letting someone be left-handed. Or gassy. Or opinionated. Or a Rachel Ray fan.

But being a friend also means you have the obligation to raise the impact of their negative or destructive behaviors with them.

The moment to evaluate a friendship is when, in the process of your friend fully being themselves, you find that you cannot be fully yourself. If their full expression is hurtful, dangerous or negative to you, you have every right to say something and to lovingly detach – to give them a ton of safe space to be themselves.

Alcoholics often find that they need new friends after sobriety, because many of their old friends consciously or sub-consciously promote drinking. That’s one reason why recovering alcoholics get sponsors – the sponsor is the beginning of a new social network, one which supports healthy, affirming activities, yet is lovingly supportive when the person in recovery slips back into hurtful habits. The sponsor creates a positive space for the alcoholic to be fully himself.

Toxic friendships are often based on being in a negative space together. How do you know if you're in one? If you feel used, you're probably being used. If you feel demeaned and belittled, then you're not in a situation which helps you grow. If you feel you can't be fully yourself with your friends, then you definitely haven't found your tribe. Relationships like this are not about growth or overcoming or affirmation. Rather, these friendships serve to keep all participants down, so nothing and no one has to change. They exist so other people won't feel so bad.

When eyes open and one person begins to grow, however, these friendships end because what they’re built on is not solid. And that's OK. Because when you're out of a bad situation, you have the chance to find a good one.

Look at your friendships. Do they support you? Do they affirm you? Do they reflect your values, your ethics, your best self? If they do, then congratulations.

You’ve found your tribe.

Thinner Peace

A few weeks ago I wrote about Being Perfect. One of the common ways many of us strive for perfection is in our weight or body shape. We think: If only I could lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, then life would be perfect. Truth? If you did lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, you'd just be skinner... with the same old problems.

This pursuit of perfection is endless -- and those of us in pursuit often pay a high emotional and psychological toll. It's like this: we weigh too much, so we can never be enough. That is a stuck mindset. It's a limiting place. It's no fun. It really hurts.

It's time for the anguish and suffering to stop.

It’s time for Thinner Peace.

Among the clatter of competing weight loss approaches, arrives leading life coach, author, O Magazine columnist and friend of mine, Dr. Martha Beck. In The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace, Martha provides a funny, thoughtful, erudite, practical approach to losing and maintaining your best body size. It's a diet book for all of us who think diet is a four-letter word.

Even if you don’t usually buy diet books, don't you think you'd love a book with chapters like “Eat Whatever The Hell You Want”, "How To Stop Eating When You Can't Stop Eating" and "How Not To Be A Big Fat Liar"?

What I love about this book is that Martha gives a thorough, intelligent explanation of how the mind works (would you expect anything less from a gal with three degrees from Harvard?) -- and bases her approach on cutting edge research. She tells you not only “how” – but gets you to understand the all important “why”. You’ll find out how traditional diet programs based on deprivation, willpower and suffering work on our minds and help us stay heavy.

Martha undertook this work in as a consultant to Jenny Craig, to help them better understand the psychological aspects of weight loss. Her key finding, after working with plenty of Jenny Craig clients as well as her own private coaching clients, is this: when you set up a famine situation in your brain, you are undermining your ability to lose weight. Psychologically, when you say, "I cannot have even one cookie. If I have a cookie, I will be bad. I will have no willpower and be a loser if I eat just one cookie. Nope, no cookies for me!" – you actually program yourself to only think about what you're missing: cookies. And if you have the opportunity, you'll satisfy your cookie famine with a cookie binge.

I know that where I put my attention will grow more central to my life. Martha’s approach plays on the same idea. If you focus on what you can’t do, can’t eat, can’t be, you’ll be stuck there and won’t even be aware of what you can do, can eat or can be.

Martha suggests that we have three aspects of our consciousness: the impulsive overeater in all of us is our Wild Child; the Dictator is the punishing, judgmental part. To really achieve Thinner Peace, you have to take the third way -- you have to be The Watcher. The Watcher expresses loving kindness toward the recklessness of the Wild Child as well as the demands of the Dictator, but asks "why" frequently. Why does the Wild Child want the ice cream sundae? Why is the Dictator punishing me for having a french fry? It's the Watcher who is forgiving, self-loving and self-nurturing. And in charge.

For most people, this shift away from having the Wild Child or Dictator rule the roost is a significant move. The reason your diet has not worked in the past is because you’ve been ruled by impulse or guilt. You have eaten to soothe your emotions. But under the Watcher, you can be in a loving, caring, responsible position. And the Watcher helps you lose weight because you are free to just be – and eat when your body tells you you’re hungry. If you’re sad, the Watcher will notice that and turn your attention to lifting your mood with something other than food.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the book, and a good indication of why I gush about Martha Beck: “Almost all of us assume there's only one way to lose weight: by willpower, by white-knuckle resistance, by forcing the body with an aggressive, adversarial, disciplinarian mind. This can be achieved sometimes, though not often. Maintaining it long-term? I don't think it can be done. I've seen numerous clients deploy incredible discipline, using their Dictator selves to trap, dominate, and starve their Wild Child selves. Losing weight this way is as draining as keeping a violent criminal pinned to the floor with sheer force. But even if you manage to do it, you can't hold your own Wild Child in a hammerlock for the rest of your life. The minute you get tired, distracted or sick, the Dictator loses control, and the Wild Child goes into a feeding frenzy.

"That's the whole reason I wrote this book. Simply going on a diet program, without changing your mental set, causes backlash and weight gain. This is an inevitable reality, based on the way our brains and bodies are designed. But if you use 4-day win techniques to become a Watcher and bring yourself to Thinner Peace, your brain changes, as well as your body. Weight loss happens without backlash or resistance."

Thinner Peace. Count me in. Because it's time for the war to stop.

Clarity of Purpose

I’ve been running into a lot of stressed out, tense people recently. They all seem to be singing that old refrain from The Guess Who, “I got, got, got, got no time.” And these are women who are at home with their kids! Add in office politics for those attempting to do both career and parenting, and you’ve got stratospheric stress levels.

Thank goodness you’re reading this today. Because this is for you stressed out souls – especially all you people who think asking for help is a sign of weakness. Ahem.

OK, I'll tell you how to live life with no tension, no stress. Lean into your computer screen and pretend I’m whispering this next part, just like Connie Chung.

Know why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Simple, huh?

Let’s look at it in action. In a typical week, Cheryl wakes up two mornings at 3:45am to get two of her kids to swim practice. She’s in a carpool so she only drives the kids to the pool one of those mornings. The other morning, she tries to go back to sleep but usually ends up oversleeping and wakes up just as the kids return from the pool. She wakes her third child, scrambles to get everyone fed, lunches made, homework in backpacks, then tears out of the house to make the early tutoring sessions scheduled for her kids. She has not showered nor has she had anything to eat.

While the kids are at school, she does laundry, walks the dog, goes to the grocery store, returns library books, shops for her elderly mother, volunteers at the kids’ schools (the three of them are in two different schools), and makes phone calls for a fundraiser. At 3pm, she races to school – late, again. One child goes to tennis, one to dance, the other to piano lessons. On Wednesdays, it’s karate, basketball and art. At 7pm Cheryl pulls out chicken nuggets and pasta for her kids and they begin two hours of homework. She checks all their work and corrects their mistakes. On Tuesday and Thursday nights the schedule changes when her oldest child has hockey practice. Dinner those nights is from a drive-thru, eaten in the back of the car. Cheryl’s husband comes home from work around 8:30pm, except for the nights he’s traveling or at his son’s hockey games.

At 10 pm, Cheryl gets her kids into bed and falls, half dead, into her own bed. Her husband, a night owl, stays up watching TV or surfing the Internet until 1am. At dawn the next day, it starts all over again.

Sound at all familiar? Should be. Because most of Cheryl’s friends are just like her.

Here's something I know to be true: where you put your attention will grow more important in your life. So where is Cheryl’s attention? On her kids. And we will all say, “Yep, your kids should be your Number One priority.” But friends, there’s priority and there’s over-focus.

That’s why having clarity of purpose is vital to living a happy life. When you read Cheryl’s story, what would you say is her priority? To be self-sacrificing, have no life of her own, and do everything for her children? ‘Cuz that’s what’s she’s doing. She’s not eating, not bathing, not really in much of a relationship with her husband. She’s got no time with friends, no hobbies, no passions.

Why would Cheryl do this?

Henri Nouwen, noted spiritual writer, suggested that busyness is our way to quiet the yearnings of our heart. It's often difficult for women to articulate their own needs or passions -- society sends a strong message that doing so is selfish and not womanly. Cheryl would tell you, after her second glass of wine, that she knows that she keeps busy so she won’t have to think about it. “If I look at why I do things, I might have to change something,” she’d acknowledge.

And we all know change is scary.

So, Cheryl stays purposefully busy – so she doesn’t have to think about what she wants, and nothing has to change. "Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty" wrote therapist Virginia Satir. And Cheryl would agree.

When Cheryl coasts, she takes the path of least resistance. She doesn’t have to ask her husband to be a partner (he might say no, he might think I'm not capable, he might leave, we might get divorced, what would people think?). She doesn’t have to give her children boundaries and limits (they might miss an opportunity to find something they’re good at, they might hate me, they might ridicule me, what would people think?). She doesn’t allow her children to be independent (it’s faster to do it myself, they won’t need me, I’ll have to get a job, I haven’t had a job for 12 years, I have no skills).

Cheryl’s decision tree goes something like this:

If I acknowledge what I feel, people will be mad --> they will leave me --> I will be all by myself --> I will die all alone --> I am not good enough for anyone to love --> I do not matter.

At the core of many of our actions is this thought: “I am so flawed that no one can possibly love me (I can’t even love myself).” So we attempt to cover our “flaws” thinking that if we move fast enough, and produce enough, our flaws are not going to be noticeable. Even to ourselves.

This is where coaching can really help. A good coaching relationship allows all you Cheryls (and Toms and Susans and Harolds) out there to take some time to look at who you are and why you do what you do. Unlike therapy (which I am a huge fan of, having logged plenty of my own couch time), coaching will help you take specific steps to move forward toward a new way of living. A therapist diagnoses and treats psychological problems, often looking at the past as a guide. It's very important and life changing work. As a matter of fact, I often work with clients who are simultaneously seeing a therapist – and it’s great! These people are usually very open to change and make terrific progress.

And, guess what? People have successfully changed their lives without alienating their children or divorcing their spouse! People get balance in their lives without losing anything important – just by focusing on what’s really important.

Knowing why you're doing what you're doing sounds so simple. But it requires honesty, openness and a willingness to change. You have to understand yourself so you can say no to that which keeps you stuck in a rut, and yes to that which brings you joy and allows you to grow.

What does it take to get out of your hectic and purposefully busy life? Again, it's simple.

It’ll start when you say to yourself, “I can’t go on like this anymore. This is not a fun, happy life” – that’s when you know it’s time to start making changes.

That, friends, is when you ask for help. That’s when you call me.

On Being Perfect

I’m working on a book about overcoming perfectionism. It’s going to be perfect.

Just kidding.

Frankly, I see so many people in my coaching practice whose major sticking point is their drive/need/desire/compulsion to be perfect. They can’t act unless they can be assured that the outcome will be perfection.

This search for perfect has a partner – procrastination. Perfection seekers postpone action until the all the pieces are in place to hypothetically insure success. However, when all the perfect pieces inevitably fail to fall into place, nothing happens. Ever.

That’s certainly one way to be safe: don’t do anything, then you can’t possibly do anything wrong. Oh, boy, do perfectionists hate being wrong. Why? Our psychologist friends say it’s rooted in self-esteem, anxiety and control issues. I’ve heard more than one perfectionist say that if they are imperfect then people will know they are a fraud.

Well, all I know is that many perfectionists I see are stuck, unable to act and unable to feel fulfillment.

And they confuse excellence with perfection.

I got a call this week from a loving, devoted mother whose 12 year old daughter is on a select volleyball team. The team is so good, in fact, that they’ve been to nationals. The athletic daughter, let’s call her Carly, announced that she needed to quit volleyball because she wasn’t “perfect” at it. The mother asked me, “What should I do? She’s really talented, and enjoys the game, and her teammates elected her captain. She’ll be miserable if she quits.”

OK, blurting happens. In coaching, blurting happens more often than I ever expected. I blurted to the mom, “Who wants to be a Soviet gymnast? Who wants to be an athletic automaton who executes every move with textbook perfection? Where's the thrill in that?”

I was on a roll. “Look at Tiger Woods. He’s probably the greatest golfer the game has produced. But he’s not perfect. I’ve seen him hook the ball far to the left, or slice to the right. He’s in the rough plenty of times. I’ve seen him double bogey.

“But what Tiger has – what makes him great – is his ability to improvise. He famously used his driver to make a difficult putt from the fringe. He’ll turn his club backwards to hit a shot. He knows his game, he knows his skills and has the confidence to use anything he’s got to play the game.”

Improvisation takes heart. It takes soul. But most importantly, improvisation takes an awareness of who you are and an understanding of what you bring to the situation.

I talked with Carly’s mom about how to reframe the girl’s drive to excel from “having to be perfect” to “getting to be creative”. If the planned play is Dig, Set, Spike, but the setter is out of position, it takes creativity for the spiker to still make the point. And when a player makes an unbelievable point, what happens? The crowd goes wild.

That's not perfection, that's excellence.

Ironically, improvisation can have perfect results. What you say? Without planning, without plotting, without a safety net – you can be perfect?

Yes. You can be. To prove my point, I’ll ask you one question:

Have you ever heard Ella Fitzgerald scat?

Go to this web address http://www.smithsonianjazz.org/class/fitzgerald/ef_class_1.asp and listen to any of the audio clips.

Ella’s in the moment, using her magnificent voice, tremendous range and keen understanding of jazz to create one-of-a-kind, indelible perfection.

Letting go, trusting your talents, trusting your instincts, trusting your training… and improvising – that’s how to productively channel your pursuit of excellence. That’s how to live a full and fulfilling life.

I am working on a book about perfectionism, and it’s not going to be perfect. It’s going to be whatever it’s going to be. What I’m bringing to it is awareness of my experience and an understanding of how to overcome the limits of perfectionism.

Won’t that be perfect?

Forgiveness

I was a guest speaker at a book club the other night – reviewing the best of parenting, relationship and personal growth books – when I was asked, “What about forgiveness?” In response, I talked about the ideas in Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring’s book How Can I Forgive You?, but as I drove home I felt unsatisfied with my response. It wasn't complete enough.

Don't get me wrong. Dr. Spring’s book is terrific, providing a workable framework for moving to forgiveness. It’s practical, it’s pragmatic and it’s well-written. The book was not my problem. I was glad I had mentioned such a useful book.

No, my problem was – no surprise for this "words girl" – the semantics of the word “forgiveness”. What is it? What does it mean? We hear about forgiveness from pulpits and pop culture all the time. Why, it’s a gift we give ourselves! It’s the right thing to do! Forgiving is a sign of our spiritual development and piety!

Forgiveness has become such a ubiquitous word, in fact, that perhaps it’s lost its potency. I bump into someone in a crowded store and I say, “Excuse me.” Am I asking forgiveness for my offense? Many of us say “sorry” almost as often as we say “uhm”. Do we seek forgiveness each time we blurt it out? Teens say, “My bad” and their buds say, “No problem.” Is that a forgiveness exchange?

What does "forgiveness" mean?

As I drove home, pondering, this definition popped into my head:

"Forgiveness is when the hurt you’ve suffered no longer drives your decision-making, nor defines who you are. "

Here's an example: Tom’s wife left him for another man. Tom was devastated. For the first few months, he was among the walking wounded and would tell the story of his betrayal to anyone who’d listen. And some who didn’t want to listen. His mind was filled with thoughts of retribution, retaliation and revenge. Nearly every thought he had, nearly every course of action, was directed by his wife’s affair and their subsequent divorce. And women? Pffffft. Since his wife had betrayed him and she was a woman, then all women were capable of betrayal and should be avoided. Women were not to be trusted. No one was to be trusted.

He was not in a place of forgiveness.

Over time, though, he began to add different activities to his schedule. He got into mountain biking, planned outings with friends and explored his beliefs. He recommitted himself to his work, and got a promotion. He gingerly made friendships, then dates, with women. Gradually, his decisions were based on his life now, not his life then. He no longer needed to tell the story of his wife’s affair to people – because it no longer seemed that relevant. If you asked him, he’d say, “I’m Tom. I’m a 45 year old engineer who likes mountain biking, wine and hanging with friends. Oh, and I’m divorced.”

He had arrived at the place of forgiveness.

That doesn’t mean his wife’s affair had no impact on Tom’s life. It did. Forgiveness didn’t mean Tom pretended he wasn’t hurt. He was. It doesn’t mean it was OK for Tom’s wife to have had an affair. It wasn’t. What happened in his marriage became a part of the accumulated experiences of Tom’s life – just not the key, defining part of his life.

Forgiveness meant that Tom was no longer driven or defined by his hurt.

In many cases, one person hurts another person and they stay in a relationship. The hurt may be big or it may be small. But it’s a hurt and the only way forward is through forgiveness. This mutual forgiveness benefits both parties.

We've seen how a hurt person's path to forgiveness helped him. In an ongoing relationship, forgiveness is a huge relief for the injuring party, too. She knows that she’s not going to “have to pay for this for the rest of my life” since his decisions are not going to be solely based on the hurt ("I'm only doing this because you lied to me twenty-five years ago."). And she knows he's not going to forever define her by having hurt him ("You know I can't trust you because you lied to me that time twenty-five years ago."). But to get to forgiveness she has do her part. She has to acknowledge that he’s been hurt, she has to work to help him recover, and she has to promise not to willfully repeat the injury in the future.

Sometimes the person who needs forgiveness is you. Many people, for instance, carry shame and guilt over a failed marriage, or a lost job, or a blown diet. “If only I had…If only I had been…If only I hadn’t…” is a constant refrain. Yet, this song is an oldie. It has a good beat, and you can dance to it. But it's the same old song and dance. Singing it keeps us firmly in the past. When where we've got to live is in the now.

Forgiving ourselves – acknowledging what happened, how it impacted us then and now – and moving to the point where our perceived shortcomings no longer fuel our decision-making or define who we are, is the key to living in the present. And living happily. This may require therapy to understand how we hurt ourselves in the past and to work through the issues so that we don’t continue to hurt ourselves in the future.

Viktor Frankl, noted psychiatrist and author of the classic Man’s Search for Meaning, founded an innovative school of psychology called “logotherapy”, which holds that if people have meaning and conscience in their lives then they are more apt to be successful. This idea underpins much of modern psychological thought and took mental health into new and productive areas.

Now for the reveal. Frankl developed his theories while imprisoned in Auschwitz. Man’s Search for Meaning details the suffering, deprivation and humiliation the men and women in the camp endured. It was unlike anything most of us have seen. No one should experience such inhumanity.

Although Frankl’s experience in Auschwitz birthed the most significant work of his life, Frankl didn’t appear to define himself by the time in the camp – rather, he defined himself by his work, his life.

He became bigger than what he had suffered.

And that’s the promise of forgiveness. You can become bigger than your hurt. With forgiveness you can leave the wound in the past and be your best self. And you can start right now.

Difficult People

Ever have a really difficult person in your life? I see all those heads nodding out there – and a few hands in the air. So, many of us can agree: Difficult People are a difficult challenge. Dealing with them sometimes proves so challenging, in fact, that some folks exit, stage left, rather than continue to engage with someone so… difficult.

Let’s just get this out of the way. Some people are mentally ill, and not interested in getting treatment. There, I said it. Sometimes, these people are in your workplace or in your neighborhood or in your gym or in your family tree. This article is not about how to deal with the mentally ill – no, that’s for another writer in another venue.

This article is about how to deal with the run-of-the-mill Difficult Person who gets on your last nerve. You know who I’m talkin’ about.

They’re the people who annoy you with their incessant, inappropriate chit-chat, or stymie your plans with pointless roadblock after pointless roadblock. They run late, they're absent-minded, they can’t “move on”, have body odor, halitosis and are way too needy.

Guess what? They all have something in common -- they're not doing what WE think they should be doing. They should shut up, go along, get along, let us lead, remember stuff, shower, brush their teeth and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. If only they’d do what WE want them to do, they’d be so much easier to get along with!

The difficulty is that they don't do what we want them to do, do they? And we invest a lot of time and energy trying to get them to be different than they are, don't we? Hey, let's accept it -- we can't control them. But we can control ourselves. So, boys and girls, what you’ve got to do is check your own expectations and motivations to see why you react to the Difficult Person the way you do.

One of the best tools I've used to help clients deal with Difficult People is this: take a piece of paper and write down everything your Difficult Person does to drive you up the wall. Don't leave anything out, don't censor yourself, don't hedge. Let it all hang out.

Feel better now? So nice to get that off your chest, right? OK. The hard part. Go back through the list. Anything there something you wish you could do, or something you dislike about yourself? I had a client who was cheesed at a brown-nosing co-worker, who she called “Miss Thing”. Seems Miss Thing would walk down the hall, see the boss and say, “Charlene, want to get some lunch?” – and proceed to have coveted one-on-one time with the boss. My client was irate! Who did Miss Thing think she was?

I asked my client to write down everything she disliked about Miss Thing and then go back through it. The proverbial light bulb appeared overhead. “Someone once told me I ought to know my place, and not be too big for my britches," she said. "I am afraid of being seen as too forward.” I queried, "So, it’s not so much about Miss Thing, is it?" "No," she responded, "it’s that she’s doing something I wish I could do.” Yes, my young Jedi – that is exactly the problem.

It’s ultimately not so much about the Difficult Person, it’s about you. Understanding yourself makes the behavior of others easier to manage. You may come to find that you don’t mind somebody else brown-nosing, or running late, or being weird. After you get to that point it’s mind over matter -- if you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Keep author Byron Katie's advice in mind: "There are three kinds of business in the world: your business, my business and God's business." Getting into someone else's business is a futile exercise. Waiting for someone else to change is likewise pointless. Let me tell you this: there is no magic incantation you can make, no string of words you can utter, to get someone to change his ways.

Change? That's their business. And your business? Simple. It's what you choose to do about yourself and for yourself. Difficult People are only difficult when you mistake your business for theirs.

Meaningful Change

There's been a lot of talk about the making and keeping of New Year's Resolutions. I have been asked, "How do you make a resolution and actually keep it beyond January 12th?"

I have an answer. Which I will reveal. Keep reading.

First, let's look at the typical Resolution Making Process.

Susan says to me: "I am resolved to lose 15 pounds this year. How can I do it?" [Now, notice my brilliant coaching technique in action!] "Why do you want to lose 15 pounds?" I guilelessly ask.

The wonderful Martha Beck, who writes for O Magazine and trains coaches, taught me a deceptively simple coaching tool -- The Five Whys. Ask the question, "Why?" five times, she says, and you will get to the root of any problem.

So asking Susan why she wants to lose 15 pounds is the first Why.

"So I can be thinner," she responds.

"Why do you want to be thinner?" I ask (the second Why).

"Because if I'm thinner, I'll be more attractive."

"Why is being more attractive important?" (the third Why).

"Because maybe then I can get a boyfriend."

"Why do you want a boyfriend?" (the fourth one).

"Because, then, I guess, I might get married, which I'd like to do."

"Why?" (the fifth, and simplest Why).

"Because if I'm married I won't be lonely any more."

So there it is, dear readers. Losing 15 pounds is the surefire cure to loneliness. Didya know that?

And we wonder why people don't keep New Year's Resolutions! Losing weight can be a terrific goal. But it's not the perfect solution to feeling lonely.

Loneliness is not cured by being skinny. Skinny people are lonely. Heavy people are lonely. Single people are lonely.

Married people are lonely, too. If you ask me, Married And Lonely is the worst kind of lonely there is.

What do we want in our most intimate relationships? To be known, to be understood, to be accepted? Sounds about right to me. Faithful readers, you know my mantra, "can I give this to myself?" Why, yes, you can. Knowing yourself, understanding yourself and, dare I say it, accepting yourself -- these are the first steps toward alleviating loneliness. And here's the bonus: once you do these things, you make yourself extremely easy to love.

Yep, loneliness needs to be tackled with a game plan that doesn't necessarily include weight loss. Here are three more practical things anyone can do to be less lonely:

1) Find Meaning and Purpose In Your Life: volunteer where you are appreciated and can do good. You'll find connection with a group of like-minded souls, and your life will expand to include them.

2) Stop Waiting For Other People To Call You: call them! Organize a girls night, or a book club, or a poker group. Or an All Girl Poker Playing Book Club. Which invites men! You'd certainly draw a crowd!

3) Focus On What You Have, Not What You Lack: Whatever you focus on expands in your life. It's true. If you subscribe to the "oh, I'm so lonely, woe is me" school of thought, then you will constantly reinforce your sad state, and feel sad -- well, all the time. Plus, you won't be particularly fun to be around, what with that black cloud following you everywhere you go and all that heavy sighing, weeping and moaning... If, however, you allow yourself to look forward to your Friday night All Girl Poker Playing Book Club meeting, or working with your tutoring client, or staffing the church bazaar, you will be happier. Organize your life around what you have, not what you lack. And revel in it!

Making a resolution to change behavior never works unless you understand the fundamental, underlying reason why you want to make the change. Resolutions fail because we're making the wrong resolutions! Susan doesn't really want to lose weight, she wants her loneliness to be fixed. So, find the true problem -- not the perceived problem -- and address that with specific solutions. Doing so will give you a reasonable shot at making lasting and meaningful change. And keeping your resolutions all year long.

Alive and Awake

I have a little shorthand I use to describe some people. I started with “deeply unconscious”. Then I shifted to: “lacking insight into themselves and how they function in the world.” Both of these phrases were my feeble attempts to get at a larger issue – how to describe people who have no interest in (and in fact run screaming from the very idea of) personal awareness, openness and growth.

(You know who you are.)

Recently, I was running errands and had Oprah & Friends playing on my XM radio. I have to admit it: I have an Oprah crush. Sure, she’s got Steadman, and I’m not gay. But still.

I love her.

And I love her Friends. So the other day, I was listening to Dr. Robin Smith, author of Lies At The Altar, when my girl Dr. Robin said something that caught my ear. She said, “It’s time for you to step up and be a grown-up. It’s time for you to be alive and awake.”

Ka-thunk. That was it! Alive and awake! I want my friends to be alive and awake. I want my family to be alive and awake. I want my clients to be alive and awake. I want to be alive and awake.

Why would anyone want to be anything other than alive and awake? What’s the opposite there – unaware and asleep? Hmmmn. Guess if you’re unaware or asleep, you’re kinda safe. You’re insulated from feeling anything or having the scary possibility of anything in your life changing. You sleepwalk through your life, numbed to all experience.

Is that the way to live?

I’ve always wondered what babies think when they fall asleep in their car seat and wake up in their crib. Do they think, “Whoa! Weren’t we just going to the grocery store? How’d I get here?”

Maybe that’s what happens for some people at mid-life. They begin to wake up and think, “Whoa! How’d I get here?” And if they’d been awake and experiencing their 20s and 30s, maybe they’d have a partial clue.

Being alive and awake is a lot of work. The major spiritual traditions suggest that coming awake is our soul’s lifework. It was the Buddha, wasn’t it, who experienced enlightenment and became The Awakened One?

I love the words of Jesus in Matthew 7:7-8: “Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Leading me to believe that if you never seek, you will never find. If you aren’t alive enough to seek enlightenment – asking who you are and why you are here – you’ll never be awakened.

There is an element of pain and suffering to being alive and awake that you certainly don’t have to face when you’re unaware and asleep. When you’re alive and awake you consciously open yourself to good and bad, happiness and pain, light and dark. Would the easier way be to lead a life of only the former and none of the latter?

That ain’t gonna happen, is it?

As writer Jack Kornfeld has said, you can’t live full time in a blissful state. Even the most enlightened person has to do the laundry from time to time.

Alive and awake is about balance. Think about balance for a moment: bakers add a little salt into a dessert recipe to enhance the sweetness of the treat. Balloonists add a load to their lighter-than-air craft so they can control ascent and descent. Opposites attract.

Continuing the homey aphorisms, it’s said that into every life a little rain must fall. And where would we be in a world without a little rain? Well, we’d have drought. Which would bring on famine. Then death.

Perhaps being unaware and asleep is the way some people try to avoid death. Funny, isn’t it? You go through life insulating yourself from experiences because you’re afraid of death, and guess what? You die anyway.

Because we all do.

How much better, then, to fully live until you die? How much better to turn your face up to the rain and lick the drops as they fall into your life? How much better it would be to live sensing everything, feeling everything, knowing as much as you can. How much better it would be to be alive and awake.

What a great New Year’s Resolution, huh?

Accepting Gifts

It's all in how you receive.

Let's say someone gives you a bouquet of flowers. You have a choice about how you will receive them. You could say, "Flowers, huh? What's HE been up to?" Or, you could say, "Carnations? He only sprung for carnations? Cheapskate." You might say, "He knows I hate Peruvian lilies -- what's he trying to tell me?" Or, you could merely accept the bouquet and say, "Thank you."

It's all in how you decide to receive a gift.

And that's true whether you're receiving a tangible gift, like we do here at Christmastime, or accepting your own inherent gifts. I am often amazed at the number of clients who can wax rhapsodic about their weaknesses and shortcomings, but when I task them with inventorying their strengths, they freeze up.

Perhaps we've been socialized away from "tooting our own horn" to the degree that we forget we've actually got a horn anyway. It does feel awkward to say, "You know, I am really good at (fill in the blank)." Try it. "I am really good at (insert your strength here)." Was that easy or hard? Did you struggle to find something to fill in the blank?

Performance reviews often focus on that which needs improvement (your weaknesses) without so much as a nod to what you're consistently doing really well. Focusing on the negative puts people in a defensive, one-down position. What a shift it would be if corporations acknowledged employee strengths and let folks play to them!

So, how do you identify your strengths? Glad you asked.

1) What tasks are you often asked to do in your workplace, home or volunteer activities? Organize the Christmas party? Entertain clients? Write a business plan? Train the new guy? Serve on a committee?

2) What are you doing when you lose track of time? Reading actuarial tables? Talking with clients? Walking outside? Writing? Preparing meals? Thinking? Working on a project with others? Being physical?

3) What things have you consistently gravitated to throughout your career? Building teams? Starting businesses? Problem-solving? Big-picture thinking? Coordinating details? Serving others?

Answering these questions may lead you, for example, to understand that you are highly socially intelligent -- great at reading other people and excellent at client service -- yet you spend a great deal of time completing paperwork. That may lead you to determine you need an assistant to do the paperwork, freeing you up to spend more time with your clients, and increasing your sales revenue.

One of the keys to happiness and satisfaction is knowing what you're good at and doing as much of it as possible. I often tell clients, "Do more of what you like and delegate the rest!"

When I work with clients to inventory their strengths, we'll identify one and they will often say, "Well, of course, but anyone can do that!" Really? Everyone can plan and execute a Presidential event for 40,000 people in a week? Everyone can prepare corporate tax returns? Everyone can make a nutritious, tasty meal in 23 minutes? Everyone can manage a group of people to a positive end result? Everyone can raise a million dollars?

I don't think so.

We tend to minimize that which comes easy to us and focus on that which comes with difficulty. We've heard this so many times: "If it's worth anything, you've got to struggle for it." My perspective is: "If you have to struggle for it, you may be trying to do the wrong thing."

Accepting and working with your particular gifts shifts your way of thinking from "There's plenty I'm not good at" to "Look at what I can do!" Which attitude, do you think, leads to greater happiness and satisfaction?

Changing Through Crisis

A woman I admire asked me to lunch last week. She's the kind of woman you note across a room -- you see her vitality, sense her kindness, adore her laughter. She's a pip.

Shortly after the waitress took our order, my friend looked me in the eye and asked, "How did you do it?" For a minute I felt a little like O.J. Simpson and ran through the many things I could have done which require some kind of explanation, or a book contract. She went on, "Because I'm going to be following in your footsteps."

Then I knew. See, I went through a painful, unexpected divorce a few years ago, and in an instance I could see the familiar wash of emotions -- sadness, confusion, pain, grief, relief -- on that dear woman's face. "You seem to have your act together now, Michele," she said. "How did you get to be so peaceful and happy?"

How'd I do it? In that moment, I couldn't think of how I did it. I babbled a little bit, pushed a pickle across the plate, and focused on listening to her story intently. Later, when I gathered myself, I told her that my journey was just a series of baby steps -- in the aggregate, more forward than backward -- toward a new life. One thing I knew for sure: somewhere along the way I made a real commitment to feeling better, and to my own personal growth.

I changed, I told her, through the crisis of my divorce. Which is a good thing, believe me! I let go of that which no longer served me and kept or grew that which does serve me -- that which allows me to be the best possible...me.

I told my friend that the same outcome could be hers, and that I'd be there to help.

I went home with a niggling feeling that I hadn't given my friend specific tools she could use to manage her crisis. I was a little frustrated -- hey, I'm a coach! I should be able to do better!

That night I picked up a book I'd just started reading -- Change 101 by Bill O'Hanlon. Imagine my surprise when O'Hanlon identified three keys to turn crisis into an opportunity for growth: connection, compassion and contribution. Wow! Why couldn't I have read it the day before?

So, my friend, here are O'Hanlon's Three Keys to Changing in a Crisis (and the answer to your question "Michele, how did you do it?"):

Does the crisis allow you deeper connections with yourself, with others, or with deeper meaning? In my case, the answer was (d) all of the above. Today I am more myself than at any other time in my life. I have deeper connections with friends and family, and have even made new friends since my divorce (which is not always easy to do at any age). I have learned from so many people, and listened to so many wonderful teachers. But the greatest gift is the knowledge that I am connected, in a spiritual way, to everyone and everything. This has been a deep and meaningful shift for me, and forms the very framework of my life.

Did the crisis lead you to accept yourself and others? Here's another big shift: I now know that even the most flawed person is probably doing his very best given his situation. I hold in my mind the idea, espoused by theologian Henri Nouwen, that love is best defined as making a safe place for another person to be fully himself. OK. If I am trying to bring more love into the world (which is an intention of mine), then I have to accept you for what you are and what you bring. Not who I think you should be or what you should bring...no, it's all about you, baby. Which, of course, frees up my time because I am no longer struggling with or against you. Creative loafing, anyone?

Can you find a way to give back because of the crisis? Feeling that you can help others who've been through a similar experience can be an uplifting experience. It can ease your passage through the stages of grief, and give you, again, a sense of belonging. And helping. And being a force for good in the universe. I stumbled on an amazing online divorce support group which was key to processing my experience and allowed me the opportunity to help others. I met some of the nicest, most thoughtful and generous people in the world who were either in exactly the same spot as I -- or had been there. It was very comforting to not feel so alone.

Crisis is not always about divorce. It's finding out you won't have a job in January, which is what five of my clients recently learned. It's illness, or death. It's your house burning down. It's your child in trouble. It's your brother in trouble. It's you in trouble.

We rightly tend to think of crisis in terms of loss, because there is usually something which has to go. With O'Hanlon's rubric -- making sure we make connections, have compassion and find a way to contribute -- we can use crisis to change. We turn the tables on scary old crisis and use it (ruthlessly and with no regard for its feelings) to effect positive, lasting and marked change in our lives.

Feeling Unlovable and Unworthy

What I'm about to write is not about me. It's about you. And you. And you. And the several women I spoke to last week. It's about everyone who's ever been through a breakup. It's about all of us.

When a person feels as though they are unlovable and not worthy of being cared for, they will engineer situations where that attitude is reinforced.

It may not be conscious. It may be sub-conscious. But they will go to lengths to reinforce their internal framework, best summarized as: I am a loser.

These folks will sabotage, will double-deal, will manipulate. Whatever it takes to reinforce their fundamental, underlying belief -- I am no good.

They will also tell you whatever you want to hear -- just so you pay them some attention, and, perhaps, remind them what a loser they truly are. It's extremely potent when your healing begins -- and they look at you getting stronger. Your strength completely reinforces their underlying belief: "what a loser I am because I can't do what she's doing!" Your dawning strength is a threat -- and not a motivator for them to step up to the plate and begin their own healing. Oh, it's so much easier to pretend everything is absolutely hunky-dory than to develop insight into your own behavior and motivations!

After a divorce is an especially vulnerable time for folks, especially when one partner is crushed and the other is the crusher. The crusher may do something like say, "I'm not sure I've done the right thing" after he's married his lover; or, she might pour out her heart after breaking up with her affair partner. Later, you find out the lover is pregnant, or the much touted break up never happened.

It was a lie designed to create connection between crusher and crushed.

Yes, it's duplicity. Yes, it's hurtful. And, yes, it happens.

My theory is this: the crusher gets something from his/her relationship with the crushed person. Perhaps the relationship reminds him/her that he is no good. Perhaps watching the crushed one heal is too much. Perhaps the crushed one will grow up and away from the crusher -- that can't happen! Who will remind him/her that he's a jerk? A loser? A worthless human specimen?

Because, guess what? He is desperately trying to convince his current partner that he's flawless. Wonderful. Hunky-dory.

So the crusher keeps the crushed one "on a string", saying just enough to keep him/her involved. Giving just enough clues to keep hope alive, even if the crushed one knows deep down that she's better off without the crusher in her life.

It's a tantalizing game of cat and mouse, in which the feelings and needs of the crushed one are of no moment. It's, once again, all about the crusher.

Crushed people can find themselves in an unenviable position of being the third wheel in the new relationship between the crusher and the lover. Often, the new relationship is balanced by the mere presence of the former spouse. "If it weren't for (fill in the ex-spouse's name), everything would be perfect!" This fiction allows the new couple to defer addressing all the issues in their own relationship by focusing on the Evil Former Spouse. It's more hunky-dory.

If I had a dollar for every new partner who conspiratorially said to me, "Well, you know, her former husband was gay/impotent/an alcoholic/abusive" or "His ex-wife just gave up on sex/is a gold digger/is overprotective of the kids/is lazy and doesn't want to work", I would be a wealthy woman living a life of ease. [On an island in the Pacific. With a pina colada in one hand. Laying in a hammock. Swaying in the breeze...Oh -- am I off on a tangent? Pardon me. It's that time of year.]

Carl Jung famously posited that we each have a light and a dark, or "shadow", side. The shadow is that part of our Self which makes us feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. When a relationship starts as an affair, often the "shadow" of society's opinion of infidelity is too much for the new couple to bear. So, they ignore it and find plenty of stuff to lay at the feet of the former partner. Which allows the new couple to mosey along, burdenless. Hunky-dory.

Or so they think. Remember: what you resist, persists.

Sometimes crushed people hold out hope against hope that the crusher will "wake up" and come back. Honey, if their fundamental belief remains "I am a worthless loser", coming back will be no relief to anyone.

In the last week, I've had several clients who have allowed themselves to be hurt by staying engaged with their crusher. It's heartbreaking. And it's very, very human.

Thinking about how it feels to be manipulated may help crushed people become more resolute. No more studying tea leaves to figure out what's really going on. No more surmises about his intentions. No more Nancy Drew (or Frank and Joe Hardy). When someone who finds him/herself fundamentally worthless tells you they love someone else -- regardless of what comes after that part of a sentence -- move on. Take anything else they say with a grain of salt. Or maybe a shaker of salt.

Clinging To Money

So, you have two gold coins. They are the only
gold coins you have in the whole wide world, so you
hold them tightly in each fist. Then one day you
actually meet the leprechaun at the end of the
rainbow with his pot of gold.

He says to you, "Dip your hands in and you can keep
as much gold as you can carry." If you dip your
hands in with your fists clenched, holding tightly to
your two gold coins, how much gold can you scoop?
Uh, none.

But if you open your hands, allowing those two gold
coins to possibly slip out, how much gold can you
scoop?

When you open your hands, you can hold so much
more. When you close them tightly, there is no room
for more than what you’ve already got.

I developed this little story to illustrate the “issues”
many people have around money. Most of the time
we cling to what we think money does for our status,
and what we perceive money can do for us. I can’t
tell you how many times a client will say, “I know I’m
not happy in my job, but to do what I truly love I’d
have to take a cut in pay!” Hmmmn. Perhaps. But
doing what you love is, just like the commercial,
priceless. And, remember this: do what you love,
and the money will follow.

I was recently in a meeting when a man declared
that his objective was to make $10,000 a day.
Again, I thought, “Hmmmn.” Will $10,000 a day make
you measurably happier than, say, $9,000 a day?
Would you be even happier at $12,000 a day? Is
there an end in sight, or will you always incrementalize
your happiness – ‘til you get to the point where you
can never make enough to be “happy”?

Can you tell me who’s got their gold coins grasped
tightly in their fists?

I have the most wonderful CPA. His name is Stan
Friedman, and I’ve worked with him for quite some
time. Many years ago, Stan told me that he saw a
direct correlation between how much clients give
away and their income. When he told me that, I was
intrigued and made an effort to look at how I
allocated my money. And Stan was absolutely right.
The more I gave away, the more I got. The happier I
got, the less I felt I needed. And still, more came to
me. It's nutty!

Don't get me wrong. It's better to have a dollar in
your pocket than have none. Having been in both
situations, I can personally testify to that
statement. Being paid what you're worth is affirming,
and having financial integrity is fulfilling.
But, when you give yourself the freedom to be generous,
the world opens up to you. Generosity begets
abundance. Don't take my word for it -- give it a
try.

Clinging tightly to an idea that money = happiness...
limits you. It restricts your access to the
underpinnings of true happiness, which are, simply,
doing what you love and are good at. You can't help
but be rewarded for that, my friends.

Abundance vs. Lack

Imagine Lewis and Clark cresting a hill and looking down over a plain teeming with more wild creatures than they'd ever seen. If they came to expect plentiful game over every hill, the explorers could take only what they needed and leave the rest to grow and multiply.

But if they crested the hill sick with famine, they might be tempted to slaughter everything they could and gorge -- in answer to their famine or anticipated famine. That tactic, of course, decimates herds and leads to what? Lack.

Life's like that. If you see the world as an abundant place, you take only what you need knowing your needs will always be met. Likewise, seeing the world from a famine-state, from "lack", can cause us to take much more than we can possibly use and end up in excess.

Although it's been said that "nothing succeeds like excess", "Keep it simple, stupid" also rings true. Living in abundance is much simpler than living in lack.

What's your relationship with abundance? Do you see the world as a naturally abundant place? Do you have everything you need in your life, or do you carry the feeling that there is something missing -- plenty you lack?

Once I talked with someone who is 5 feet 11 inches tall. Know what she said? "I always have wished I was six feet." Going through life lamenting one inch? Come on, now! From my five foot six perspective, the girl's got abundance! But in her eyes, she's just a little bit lacking.

The feeling of lack is one of the most pernicious limits we human beings place on ourselves. The sense of lack, the feeling that we don't have enough, most often comes down to three areas: Money, Time and Love. Let's look at how a "lack mindset" works with each, shall we?

Lack of Time Those who have attended one of my Stress Less Now! workshops know that the clinical description of stress is feeling you don't have the tools necessary to complete the task at hand. When we feel as though we lack the tool of time, we rachet up the stress level for ourselves. We live in crisis mode. We often compensate by rushing through things -- giving us plenty of opportunities to make careless mistakes and beat ourselves up for not being more careful. We often excuse our faulty decision-making saying we haven't enough time to "think it through."

Lack of Money When people wish for abundance, they are most often wishing for more money. Many of my clients have the long-standing belief that the solutions to most of their life's problems could be solved if only they had enough money. They don't have enough and can't possibly get enough. They have a lack. To address the perceived lack, though, they can get into dead-end jobs they hate -- just for the money. Or, they create such a money famine that they spend recklessly, buying more stuff in an attempt to address the famine. But the underlying perception of lack is not addressed -- and persists.

Lack of Love Here's where a perceived lack of love bites us in the patootie: a newly single person looks around and says, "Hey! I don't have enough love! I lack a partner! I need to get me one!" So they grab for the first guy or gal who crosses their path -- and then wonder why the relationship doesn't work. It's not, "I want to be with you", but "I want to be with someone, and you're handy." This leads to intolerable situations with unsuitable people. And unecessary heartbreak. And no meaningful solution to the feeling of lack.

How to turn this all around? Here's a tip: Shift your feeling of lack -- "I don't have enough" -- to one of abundance -- "I have exactly what I need at this moment." Sounds too easy? Or Pollyanna-ish? Or downright impossible?

Need a concrete exercise? Okie doke. Write it down: what is it you want the very most in the world? A client recently told me she needed more attention. She's dealing with some really tough decisions and feels like no one's calling her to check in and see how she's doing. I asked her how often she picked up the phone to reach out to people in her life. "Uhhhmmm," was the response. Ask yourself: How can you give what you want the most to yourself? The kicker is that the solution is close at hand: we all are able to give ourselves what we lack. It just seems easier to wait for someone to give it TO us instead. The nutty thing is this: If you give precisely what you feel you lack to others, you'll insure that you'll receive it back.

It's true. You get what you give. If you hold back from meaningful relationships, how can you expect to receive the love you crave? If you are disrespectful, will you receive respect? If you rush, how can you be other than rushed, and rush others? If you are negative, you will find yourself surrounded by negative people. But, if you make an effort to be what it is you want to receive, you will find the world a more embracing place.

Dr. Jon Haidt's book The Happiness Hypothesis has a wonderful formula for computing happiness: H = S + C + V, with H representing your general happiness, S your set point, C the conditions of your life and V your voluntary activities. In the last year I've had the opportunity to work with quite a few individuals who are either immigrants to America or the children of immigrants. For many of them, their S is set on lack, in recognition of their family's struggle to come here, and their fear that their hold on their new life is quite fragile -- it could vanish in an instant. It's tough to shift from lack to abundance, BUT IT CAN BE DONE.

Take a hard look at yourself -- are you a person who lives in lack? If so, it's OK. Be conscious of it, know where it comes from, and work to shift your mindset. Try saying, "I have everything I need" everytime you feel like saying "I don't have enough."

Focus on what's right in your life instead of what's missing. Focus on the 5' 11" you stand, rather than the inch you lack. Love what you have, and ask yourself if your choices are designed to fill a sneaky sense of lack -- a sense which robs you of the joy available in the here and now -- or whether they're made from a vantage point of abundance. Move your S into abundance and your H will follow.

The Power of Discipline

I was reading Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice Of Love, and came across the most interesting idea. So interesting, in fact, that I grabbed the closest thing I could write on (the back of an envelope, a la Abe Lincoln), and wrote "Discipline gives you a sense of your inner strength."

When I look back at my life, I see quite clearly that there have been times when I've been undisciplined -- and those are generally very chaotic periods. However, when I have been more disciplined, I realize, I move more swiftly through crisis.

I wondered, "If I have a coaching client who feels overwhelmed, would it be helpful to suggest they find one place in their life to exert some discipline?" By Jove, I think I've got something there.

Isn't it funny that three words which were of such great importance to earlier generations -- sacrifice, obedience, discipline -- have been made into veritable four-letter words in this generation? Somehow, sacrifice, obedience and discipline are stodgy. They limit our self-expression. They repress us. They're for squares, man.

But the flip side to the "if it feels good, do it" school of anti-discipline can be a feeling that resistance is not only futile, but that we are not strong enough to resist. Take away the extraneous words in that sentence and you're left with: "...we are not strong enough..."

That's a pretty sad way to look at life. Not very positive, forward-looking or powerful, huh? But a fairly widely held view, if you just take my clients' word for it.

When I feel disciplined enough to exercise, I not only feel better about my body, but I feel better about my ability to stick to it. My dear cousin Joe, who is sneaking up on his 50th birthday, started an exercise program eight weeks ago. Now, I love this dear man. But he's not the exercising type. He's an artist, a historian, a thinker. When he told me he'd joined the gym near his house and was exercising every day at 5:30am, I thought, "Yeah, right. We'll see how long THIS lasts." How wrong I was. Joe is trimmer, he looks great -- but most of all, he's reconnected with his inner strength. With his ability to be disciplined.

Discipline doesn't have to be dour. Don't you just visualize some joyless, self-sacrificing, beige kind of person when you think of discipline? OK, there is a quartile of you who thinks of some dominatrix named Helga, but shake that off, will you?

Let's reframe discipline. Think about discipline as making inviolable time to be with your children. To connect with friends. To build your community. How about the discipline to attend to your own self-care? To honor yourself by feeding yourself well, or taking yourself in for a flu shot, or buying yourself a gift.

I have begun taking myself out on dates. Sound weird? Here's how it goes. I ask myself, "What would be fun to do?" Maybe I take myself to dinner and a movie. Not dinner from a fast-food drive-in window, but at a real restaurant with tables and waiters and stuff. I order whatever sounds good on the menu and a glass of wine. Then, I choose a movie I really want to see and buy myself a ticket. Sure, doing this with a friend is lovely. But doing it for myself is affirming.

I treat myself as I would treat a guest.

And I end up feeling pampered, and cared for, and... dare I say it?...happy.

Discipline gives you a sense of your own inner strength. Having discipline is all about choosing to make the most of your life. You make choices to support yourself -- because you are strong enough to do that. If you're feeling overwhelmed, or oppressed, or chaotic, take a moment and find one little area of your life where you can reconnect with your own inner strength -- even if you feel you don't have any, or other folks tell you that you have no right to strength -- you can find it. Then nurture it. It will grow. Then, let your inner strength build the life you are meant to have.

Fight or Flight? Or, Mend and Tend?

Our cavemen ancestors were pretty wily characters. But they had to be. Their survival depended on it.

They developed an evolved ability to notice changes -- because if the T-Rex usually drank at the water hole in the morning, then that might be a safe time to go out and gather berries. If they saw fresh footprints, or droppings, or heard roars outside the cave, that might be a change – and might be the wrong time to poke a nose out of the old cave.

It was good for Grandma and Grandpa Caveman if everything went as expected, because that meant no surprises. No T-Rex coming out of nowhere, looking to eat a clueless Caveman. Yep, Grandma and Grandpa kept an eye out for changes, noted them, then tried to predict how to behave so they wouldn't get eaten.

We modern humans don’t like change, either. We resist it. We deny it. We attempt to wish it away. It’s just that surprises can be so…surprising. Think about a time you were surprised or startled at something which wasn’t what you had expected. Did your heart race? Did your vision tunnel down? Did you have the urge to get the hell out of there?

Why, you’re just like a caveman!

This jumble of reactions to being startled or surprised is call “the fight or flight phenomena” and we’ve all heard about it for ages. But guess what? Like so much other research, the studies which documented fight or flight were done on male subjects. And that's changing. For example, when researchers started doing studies on women and heart disease, they found women had much different heart attack symptoms. Similarly, recent studies at UCLA have shown that women aren't particularly motivated by fight or flight -- that's generally a male reaction to stress. Women, rather, stay put -- and "mend and tend".

Let me give you an example. There's a war going on. Men are fighting, fleeing, or laying there dying. Women, on the other hand, are Clara Barton or Molly Pitcher. When the workplace is stressful, women often make sure their team has bandages and enough to drink -- and this is precisely where women executives get stuck. The war is raging around them and they are oblivious because they are tending to their people.

When I coach women in this situation, I try to reframe "mend and tend" as a uniquely female asset while simultaneously raising women's consciousness that they have to engage in the office politics with the guys. If a woman steps out of the game to tend to her team, she's often "out of it" and excluded as a player, with sometimes devastating career consequences. I think women’s basic orientation toward “mend and tend” is the reason so many of us step away from corporate careers and toward our own businesses. It’s “The game makes no sense using your rules – I’ll play by my own rules, thank you very much.”

Dr. Michael Gurian, in his book What Could He Be Thinking? talks at length about how men are constantly calibrating their sense of worth by evaluating the men they are around. They ‘sportify’ nearly all they do, with teams and statistics and standings – just so they can know where they are vis a vis the “other guys”. [Sportify is my own word, dontcha like it? Feel free to work it into any conversation you’d like. Hey, wonder if I can get it into Webster’s…!]

Bottom line: women are just wired differently than men. To jump to another subject, I think that’s why some women are not participating in politics. With all the reportage around who’s up, who’s down, margin of error – it’s sportified to the point that it’s not relevant to the way many women see the world. [oh, I just used sportify again! It's starting to catch on!]

While men continue to dominate the executive suites, fight or flight will be the common currency of the leadership class. But it won’t always be that way. The women I'm coaching today are the CEOs of tomorrow. I’ve talked with executive recruiters who are desperate for qualified women to put forward as CEO candidates, and Board of Director candidates. We will shortly have the first woman Speaker of the House -- a powerful leadership role a close remove from the Oval Office.

I’ll bet you, as more women leaders step into their own unique abilities, we’ll see significant change in the way companies work. Because a woman’s “mend and tend” approach is a powerful way to build teams, manage groups and create cohesive morale. All things which are vital to success. All things women do quite naturally, thank you very much.

Stress Less Now!

Stress has come to be seen as a fact of modern life. But stress can be managed – and even eliminated!

First, understand what stress is. The clinical definition of stress is feeling as though you lack the tools to do what’s been asked of you. You may lack the tool of time, or of money, or of knowledge, or of support. But always with stress, there is a tool you need and feel you don’t have.

There are three kinds of stress: (1) Situational stress, like being stuck in a traffic jam; (2) Chronic stress, like dealing with a long-term illness, and (3) Traumatic stress, like dealing with an accident, death or marital separation. Understanding the type of stress you’re facing will help you deal with it most effectively.

There are several stress factors to take into account. Feelings of inadequacy, performance anxiety, competition, control issues, financial problems, being hurried, and – the big kahuna – what other people might think. All of these factors add to stress.

Most of the time, unresolved stress manifests itself in the body. Often, our first clue that we’re stressed is a weird feeling in our bodies. Under stress, humans get high blood pressure, upset stomachs, headaches, sleeplessness and fail to eat right. Humans are, afterall, animals – and sometimes our bodies give us messages before our brains register there’s a problem.

That’s why it’s important to Notice, Narrow and Name. Notice that there is a weird feeling in the body. Narrow down its causes. Name the cause. Here’s an example: You’re driving along and suddenly traffic stops. There’s an accident ahead. You drum your fingers on the steering wheel. Your heart rate starts to rise as you consider being late for work. Your head starts to pound as a result of your heart rate. NOTICE your headache and rapid pulse. NARROW it down – why is this happening? NAME it: I am anxious because I am going to be late. Is there a solution? Why, yes! I can call the office and do the meeting by conference call.

Once you NAME it, you can ask these questions: Can I eliminate the stress factor? Can I do it another time? Can someone else do it? Is it really stressful, or am I just making it that way? That last question is a toughie and can be re-stated as “Am I being a drama queen/king?”

Control issues are often a big factor in stress. Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is says it’s important to know whether the stressor is “my business, your business or God’s business.” If it’s your business, attend to it. However, if it’s someone else’s business, it certainly isn’t yours. And some issues are best left to the Universe to solve. You can save a lot of time and energy – and stress less – by asking whether getting engaged in a situation is really your business.

A great way to deal with stress is to change your thinking. You can Reframe the situation: did he mean to insult me with that gift, or was he just not thinking? Being Positive is also a key method to reduce stress. If you always see the glass as half empty, your pessimistic attitude will color your life experiences. Try seeing the world positively.

Avoiding Group Think is another key tactic. If everyone in the office grouses about this supervisor, that executive, that mailroom clerk – it brings the group down. Simple solution? Don’t participate. Office gossip is one of the largest stressors in modern work. Don’t play.

Many of us operate under a slew of “shoulds” – “I SHOULD be more successful”, “I SHOULD stay late”, “I SHOULD stab my co-workers in the back and walk over their bleeding carcasses to further my career.”

Shoulds, however, limit us and often fail to reflect our own values. Instead, they often reflect the values of others – our parents, our siblings, our friends, neighbors, the Joneses, the girl down the hall.

Replacing SHOULD with CHOOSE is a great way to lessen their negative impact. How empowering to say, “I CHOOSE to stay late” than “I SHOULD stay late.”

Accepting reality will help reduce stress. Often, we spend time and energy wishing things were different than they are. Accepting that your co-workers are human and make mistakes, or that some people are unreasonable, or even that some people have addictions and problems they aren’t able to address – all add up to less stress for you. If you can adopt a forgiving attitude and accept what’s real, you will go a long way toward a more peaceful life.

Remember, what you resist persists. If you are a procrastinator, you can create stress for yourself. Stuff you don’t want to do doesn’t go away. It just gets harder and harder to deal with. So, break icky jobs down into small parts. Baby steps are still steps forward. Prioritize, and plan ahead and you can make procrastination a thing of the past.

There are some easy things you can do to relieve stress in the moment. You can take a moment when you feel stressed and meditate, pray or find a still place. Remember to breathe. In fact, studies have shown that managing your breath is a sure-fire way to quickly reduce your stress. For more on this, see Dr. Andrew Weil’s work on breath.

Studies have also shown that having friends is a remedy for stress. If you have someone you can call in a stressful moment, you will find relief. A circle of friends and a range of interests help diffuse stress.

The best thing you can do to combat stress is to take care of yourself. Eat right, get enough sleep and exercise, take your medications just as the doctor prescribed them, get regular check-ups, reward your own good behavior. If you value yourself, you start from a very powerful place when it comes to dealing with stress.

If you feel time-deprived, a good exercise is to keep a Time Diary. For a day, or a week, or a month, keep track of how you allocate your time and energy. Review your diary to see if you are using your time to further your own values, or whether your time is squandered living other people’s shoulds. You may find that you have more time than you thought – it’s just a matter of how you use it.

Stress may not be avoidable – but it is manageable. Adopting even a few of these tips and tools will help you reduce your stress level. Promise.