The Flaw Of Attraction

The Law of Attraction gets a ton of buzz these days. The publishing/DVD juggernaut, The Secret has sold millions of copies, promising people that if they just ask for something, and really believe they'll get it -- why, they'll most certainly get exactly what they want.

It's so simple! So easy! And so flawed.

Indulge me a minute. I am going to ask for something that supports a passion I have nurtured for years -- football. What I'd really like is to be a defensive lineman for the Washington Redskins.

Yup, me. A nearly 48 year old woman. A defensive lineman. Now, how plausible is it to think I can "manifest" getting that assignment?

You could argue that given the past couple of seasons the Redskins have had, perhaps a 48 year old woman could do a better job than what they've got...

But, honey, the truth is that big, muscley 48 year old dudes don't play the line. They are too old. As to me, I would take the first hit and crumble into a pile of fractured bones and dislocated everything else. I'd boo-hoo like a little girl. If I lived.

So the Law of Attraction, applied to me getting a line position in the NFL, ain't gonna happen,no matter how much I want it or how positive I am.

However, I can attract opportunities to support my passion for football. I can fully, shamelessly own that I am a football-loving woman. I could even create opportunities to attend more games. I'll bet you I can even get invited to a box! Those are all plausible ways I can attract good things around my passion.

Which is what the Law of Attraction is all about. You can attract things into your life when you are consciously allowing what you want, rather than unconsciously rejecting them.

A few months ago I decided that I would hold the thought in my mind, "There will always be a parking place for me." And, guess what? Now there is always a parking place for me, right in front of wherever I go. It's weird. And fun.

There's an old story that says the natives couldn't see Columbus' ship as it neared their island because they had no word for it in their vocabulary. For the natives, the ship simply did not exist.

I wonder if the Law of Attraction is like that. We create thoughts to support our goals, giving those thoughts names, and then we are able to see them. Maybe parking spots have always been available in front, but my thought was "There's not going to be anyplace to park", so I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes.

A friend who says she wants a partner more than anything, and follows that thought with "but I'm 50 now and am reconciled to the idea that it's probably not going to happen for me" is creating a situation where she can't see the great men who are already there in her life. If she could shift her consciousness to "There is someone who will be a great partner to me, and I may already know him or will meet him soon", my guess is that she'd find a great partner pretty quick.

I believe the Law of Attraction is about getting myself into alignment (clear about who I am and what I want, positive, open to new ideas and people, and honoring the authentic "me") and then simply allowing what I need to flow to me.

I know this works. Because it's the way I live. And some wonderful things flow into my life. People, opportunities, money, love and happiness. When organizing your life around attracting that which you need, every day is like unwrapping a lovely gift.

The Flaw of Attraction is the idea that anyone can get anything by just asking and believing. But the real Law of Attraction requires the hard work of self-awareness, and a shift from only seeing limits to seeing possibilities. Only then can you allow all the good things already in place around you to flow.

Financial Consciousness

Plenty of people seek spiritual enlightenment and consciousness. They go to regular services, read religious books, attend retreats, meditate, and travel to holy places around the globe. Some enterprising seekers even eat, pray and love themselves smack into a lucrative book deal.

Consciousness is a good thing. You might even say it's the only thing. And guess what? Consciousness extends to how you handle your money.

Taking care of your financial health is as important to your personal growth as is taking care of your physical health. A chaotic financial life reflects a chaotic life, period.

As with any pursuit of consciousness, it's important to understand your values around money, set out your financial goals, allow your intentions to flow from your values and goals -- then act.

So, how do you start to grow your financial consciousness?

1. Know what you spend. OK, I am going to start by suggesting you buy something, which I know is wacky. But you can spend about $29 and get a good, basic computer program like Quicken or Microsoft Money that will help you track your expenses. Online banking is a terrific resource for this -- with a click of a button, you download your monthly statements into your program and then take just a few moments to decide which category your spending falls into - voila! - you have a clear picture of your financial health.

2. Analyze your data. Where are you spending your money, and why? Are you spending to support your values and goals, or are you spending because you're bored? Did you buy that coat because "everyone" is wearing it this year, or because you absolutely love it and have no other coat? Are you planning that vacation because it's a place you've always wanted to show your kids, or because it's the "hot" spot with the in-crowd? Once you understand all of that, ask yourself: where am I out of balance with my money? Create some financial goals in line with your values, like fully funding your retirement account, or paying off your credit cards, or saving for a vacation, or even having the money to take your mother to dinner once a week. Hey, they're your values, so support them. Make sure your financial actions support your values and goals, rather than anyone else's, and you'll see your financial health improve immediately.

3. Tell yourself (and others) the truth. I know women who hide their purchases from their husbands. I know men who hide their purchases from their wives. But if you take away the reckless thrill of keeping a secret, would you make the purchase in the first place? If you're motivated by the power and control inherent in keeping someone else in the dark, then, honey, why not do a little work on that? Expanding your consciousness to get a grip on your control issues could be the key to unlocking negative behaviors. Behaviors that don't help you, or help build a happy partnership.

Telling the truth to yourself and others about money is an integral part of growing your awareness. If you see that you're routinely $500 a month short and you tend to spend, oh, $495 a month at Target, then perhaps the truth is: We spend too much at Target. Not angry. Not judgmental. Not blaming. Just a fact-based observation. Then what do you do? Why, don't go to Target when you're bored, or feel lonely, or need a "little bump." It's just like you're in recovery, my friend, and need to stay away from the places that tempt you.

4. Make a plan. Once you get a clear idea about what you're spending and why, you can make a plan to spend appropriately. I'm not saying "cut back" because that raises all sorts of shortage and lack notions. Like a dog chasing its tail, living in a feeling of lack or shortage leads to overspending in an attempt to cure the lack. Then you have more lack which you have to spend your way out of. Who wants to go round and round like that? Nope, I'm saying you can develop a plan that allows you to be financially healthy and to spend where you need to, and save where you need to. Design a plan to honor your values and allow you to meet your needs. You may find that when you get in financial balance you "need" differently than you did when you were out of balance.

5. Keep in touch. Review your spending monthly, or quarterly. Notice where your spending is in alignment with your values, intentions and needs. Make adjustments where you need to. Pat yourself on the back when you've done well.

When you take care of yourself -- aligning your physical health, your emotional health, your spiritual health and your financial health with your values, goals and intentions -- you can't help but live a life full of meaning and joy. Which is what all seekers seek, is it not?

The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists

Ever had a relationship with Dr. Jekyll? Or was that Mr. Hyde? Whether it's your boss, your brother or your spouse, if you think you could be dealing with a narcissist you need to read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Familyby Eleanor Payson. Ellie was kind enough to answer some questions for me -- hopefully, you'll have an "Aha!" moment and know what to do:

How do you define narcissism to someone when they ask you “Hey, Ellie, I heard you wrote a book? What’s it about?"

When people use the word narcissist, or narcissistic in the informal context he/she may simply be referring to someone who is behaving selfishly or is self-absorbed in a given circumstance. On the other hand, in a more pathological sense narcissism references a pervasive preoccupation with self that is out of balance with a healthy give and take in his/her relationships. I should qualify here that this is particularly true of those inner circle relationships such as a significant other, close friends, or family members. In essence pathological degrees of narcissism reflect a disturbance that distorts a person’s relationship between “self and other.” The narcissistic individual is someone who has an undeveloped self, an immature “I,” and is compensating by striving to prop up a grandiose “me” (the false self of the narcissist.) In other words, his/her preoccupation with maintaining a grandiose me distorts and overrides an ability to give genuine consideration and regard for other(s).

When we think of the resources that are called narcissistic supplies we can begin to get a handle on what this means. Narcissistic supplies are those exchanges between people that foster the well being of each person in a relationship - well being that comes from knowing that we are individuals of value, special and important just because we breathe, just because we exist. A person with a healthy self is able to exchange an unconditional regard (verbally and nonverbally) in his/her relationships. This presence of unconditional regard may be seen in the admiring gleam in our eyes, a spoken appreciation, an effortful listening that seeks to understand and empathize, a willingness to hold ourselves accountable for injuries we may have caused, and so on. Someone who is narcissistically defended inevitably requires many more “strokes” of affirmation, recognition, efforts at understanding, support, etc., than they are able to give. In fact, there is a kind of obliviousness to the recognition of these exchanges in the unconditional sense. This is because the narcissistic individual is externally focused on conditional realities for maintaining the grandiose me such as; how much power and status one has, how beautiful or handsome one is, how effective in his/her career one is, etc. These external realities become the source of pseudo affirmation, and the narcissist is inevitably desperately attached to the maintenance of these external realities for self-worth. The individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can barely acknowledge what is meant by unconditional regard of self and other. Consequently, the narcissist requires an endless supply of affirmation to keep his/her false, or substitute self, intact. Ironically, the narcissist is unable to make use of unconditional affirmation as true nourishment and similarly unable to give it.

How does a narcissist tip his hand? How do you know he's a narcissist and not just a jerk?

Often the slang expressions of “jerk,” and perhaps more colorful terms, do seem to be the layperson’s language for describing narcissistic traits in a person. However, once we have “vented our spleen” we may want to take a deeper look at the person and our relationship so that we can act wisely and at times with the imperative for self-preservation. We may discover that there is more healthy substance to the person than we thought, or perhaps the opposite. The surface presentation of a person can appear to have any quality – from “jerk” to “charmer” to “sophisticate, intellectual, drama queen/king, officious professional,” etc. It is what exists under the surface (or perhaps more to the point - what does not exist under the surface) that we want to recognize. Developing discernment in taking the full measure of a person and the full measure of ourselves is what we must learn if we want to have more fulfilling and mature relationships. The misleading facade of individuals with personality disorders is the danger to be on the lookout for, and we can be tantalizingly tempted to forego the effortful discovery process. If we miss the presence of a deeper disturbance such as the narcissistic personality disorder in a person, we may end up struggling for our very psychological, financial, or even physical survival.

A few of the clues that I cite in my book are:
Excessively:
- Requires attention, admiration, special consideration, recognition
- Demonstrates a grandiose sense of entitlement
- Manipulates and pursues his/her agenda (often relentlessly, tenaciously)
- Criticizes self and others
- Holds unrealistic expectations of self and others, alongside an over-estimation of self and his/her needs
- Demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life -- win/lose

Limited ability to:
- Fulfill mutually held “understandings.” Agreements seem to morph over time with creative "revisionist" ability
- Self-reflect and take ownership of a problem
- Tolerate anything perceived as criticism, or oversight
- Feel genuine or deep empathy for others
- Recognize the needs of others (except superficially)
- Recognize others as independent agents (separate selves)

These deeper limitations and disturbing defenses are inevitably camouflaged by the façade of some impressive or competent surface presentation mentioned earlier. The greatest danger here is that the outer demeanor often has a powerful aura of seduction emanating from a personality that projects the promise of larger than life charm, power, competence, originality, etc. The potency of this seduction is often so captivating that we can be induced into a kind of suspension of belief where our critical faculties for noticing distortions and inconsistencies are switched off. This is the crossroads, so to speak, of our own codependent tendencies that are necessary to heal if we really expect to steer clear of these dangerous relationships, or navigate them safely.


So, is narcissism treatable with therapy or drugs?

As far as the neurobiological issues that are involved, this is in many ways unchartered territory. However, I am always skeptical of individuals or approaches that lay claim to having all the answers from either the neurobiological side or the psychological side. In truth, we are a complex mix of both. Many individuals with a mental illness or a mental disorder will have what are called co-morbid issues, such as depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, that are in need of evaluation and treatment. Once we achieve relief from one or more of these conditions (sometimes through effective psychotropic medications) we stand a much better chance to develop a more effective self-observing ego that can allow greater possibilities for growth and change. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder almost without doubt have any number of co- morbid issues that once treated would allow him/her to function more appropriately.

What should someone who’s in a relationship with a narcissist do?

The first thing to do is reach out and get help and not stop until you feel that you have found someone who can validate and understand what you are going through. If the therapist is overly anxious and quick to dismiss the possibility that you are involved with someone with severe narcissism or perhaps full blown NPD then move on until you find a therapist who can appreciate the illusive nature of recognizing the realities of the problem. Then, second, commit to therapy to deal with your own issues (codependency, or a mix of narcissistic and codependency issues, etc.) and stay in the healing process as you utilize all the normal tools of therapy including books that can help with insight and empowerment. In therapy we need to be willing to work through our own blind spots, our shadow self as Carl Jung would call it. This is the only way out of our tendency to idealize which is often unconscious and compulsive. If there is any way of finding a support group or forming one, this is another invaluable tool.

Learning some immediate tools for asserting boundaries to create safety in these relationships is a must, and for this I believe, Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine is a must read. Since my book came out, I discovered books that I wish I had listed in my bibliography such as The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, and other books that have been published recently. Amazon.com offers excellent reviews for selecting these. On the home stretch of the healing process, coaching can be an invaluable tool for maintaining self-care and goals that lead to empowerment. Working with a coach like yourself, Michele, who is familiar with the depth of the issues and the importance for ongoing healing work is a true bonus.

Thanks for the plug, Ellie. To find out more about Eleanor Payson and her work, go to www.eleanorpayson.com

What Coaching Is

Have you ever wondered what coaching is all about? Wondered whether coaching is for you?

Last week my former client Barb sent me the following testimonial -- and I think she sums up (quite nicely) the process and outcomes of coaching. So, with her permission, I share her thoughts with you:

"I had heard of life coaching through a friend and while a bit skeptical, I searched on line for a 'coach' who might help guide me through a stage where I welcomed not only career advice, but life directional advice as well. I came upon Michele's website and was, quite frankly, impressed with her credentials and yet the overall down-to-earth nature which came across in her writing. I found Michele to be not only very approachable, but very wise for (what I think is!) her age.

"A very good listener, Michele was able to quickly ascertain and summarize for me what my issues or roadblocks seemingly were; to put a voice to the things I intuitively felt were going on, but could not verbalize myself. Together we created goals, both career-wise and other, and followed my progress. Each time we talked I felt there were kernels of wisdom there; things I had not thought of before. A survey of my core values has helped remind me about where I am headed in life and how to change course if necessary. I recommend Michele as a life coach for both men and women as she is intuitive, helps one strategize and develop tactics, and as she is someone who can help you see the broader picture of your life when you might be bogged down by the daily details."

Thanks for the affirmation, Barb, and just for the record, I'm 47 years old -- having recently attended two birthday parties for a fabulous 80 year old and a fantastic 93 year old, I only hope I can grow to have the wisdom of those two birthday girls as the years pass.

Coaching is a results-oriented endeavor. If you are stuck, or feel you don't have a plan -- coaching can help. If you want to make change but aren't sure how to go about it, coaching can help. If you're in a crisis and need the support of an unbiased third party, coaching can help.

As your coach, I have one objective: I want you to succeed. To get where you need to go, I design a series of exercises, assessments and tools specific to you and to your objective. I'll use any tool, any approach, any resource necessary to get you where you want to go. No two clients get the same approach -- because no two clients have exactly the same backgrounds, experiences, ideas, feelings or goals.

Sometimes I'll be your teacher. Sometimes I'll be your mentor. Sometimes I'll be your cheerleader. And, always, I'll be your coach -- helping you reach farther, grow stronger, understand deeper.

That's my mission statement. And I have to tell you this: working with clients like Barb make coaching the best job I've ever had.

Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter And Save Money

Spend an afternoon with the cable remote in your hand and you could come away with the idea that most people in the world are heavier than is healthy, have messy houses, lackluster love lives, and can't save a nickel.

I invested in some couch time the other day (in my on-going effort to perfect The Art of Being Lazy, of course), and was astounded by the number of TV shows about dealing with either too much (like possessions and food) or too little (love, fashion sense). And the one sad common thread among the folks on these shows was their overwhelming feeling of lack and their resulting self-punishing behaviors.

It comes down to this: when we feel powerless, we look to behaviors which allow us to grab onto a little bit of power. If I feel denied love, I am sure-as-shootin' not going to deny myself the cheesecake.

And after I eat the whole cheesecake in one sitting, I feel horrible about myself, decide I'm never going to have a boyfriend and get out of this hellhole of a life, so I turn to the chocolate ice cream in the freezer.

This cycle repeats, spinning down into a not very nice place to be. It's a place of powerlessness.

But there's good news. Turning powerlessness into power is a simple matter of shifting our thoughts. It's going from feeding yourself in an attempt to fill a gap, to feeding yourself out of self-respect and self-love.

It's "I can choose to eat anything, so I am choosing food which tastes good, is good for me and nurtures me."

Baby, that's power.

Power is also saying "I can have any old partner in a New York minute, but to have a partner who respects me and loves me, I have to love and respect myself first." Many of us get involved with unsuitable people because of the thought "Anybody's better than nobody." Anybody, because we maybe chose him out of panic, may be someone who affirms our inner sense of lack, rather than our inner strength. Where's the power in that?

When you chose a partner out of self-respect, you will have a partner worth having. When you spend your money out of self-respect, you will not overspend. When you live with things that reflect your self-respect, your clutter diminishes. When you feed yourself with an eye to nurturing that which is best in you, you will eat healthily.

You have the power to take care of yourself, and eliminate that which holds you back from your best life. You have the power -- use it.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Isn’t the Internet a wonderful thing? You can read something interesting, then click to something else quite interesting, which leads, hours later, to an utterly random yet extremely fascinating article, completely unrelated to what got you started.

Using just this circuitous method, I stumbled on an interview with researcher Beverly Whipple, recently named one of the world's 50 most influential living scientists by New Scientist magazine. Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University, began her career as a nurse and switched to sex research 44 years ago when a patient asked if a man who had suffered a heart attack could ever have sex again. In the course of her career, she has answered that question and many others.

One line from the interview really jumped out at me. When asked the difference between men and women in terms of sex, Whipple replied, “Men are goal oriented, and women are pleasure oriented.”

Well, now. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it?

Then I wondered if there were other areas of life where this is true. Sure, some men are keen to experience, not just rush to a goal. And women are known to set and meet goals. But in the aggregate, the idea that men have one definition of success and women have another has implications in the boardroom, as well as the bedroom. As I pondered, I realized there are plenty of examples of this, especially if you exchange the word “pleasure” for “experience”.

Think about shopping. A man goes into a Shopping Situation with a seek-and-destroy mindset: “I need two new shirts, a tie and boxers, then I’m out of here!” Women may have things they need to pick up, but also look at the possibilities. “Sharon would like this!” or “This might work for Tom.” Women often shop with a friend, and make a day of it. They pay attention to ambiance, texture, sounds.

He has a goal. She’s after an experience.

Another example? The NCAA Final Four bracket chart. Can you think of another more goal-oriented deal than that? A guy will completely fill in the bracket and track the progress of the teams to the ultimate goal – the #1 position. On the other hand, when I watch college basketball I am fascinated by the stories, “Brent, the power forward, Lucas Jones, certainly has faced adversity. He was raised by his loving, asthmatic grandmother in Waukegon's gritty inner city after he tragically lost his parents to a freak Zamboni incident at age 8. He’s a mentor to little kids at the Girls and Boys Club, a ventriloquist and a straight A student.” Ahhwww. Women are suckers for that stuff. It’s all part of the experience.

Women are color commentators, men are play-by-play.

So, where else does it matter that men are goal oriented and women are experience oriented? Let’s get back to sex. Many men, and plenty of women, feel that orgasm is the goal of sex. Some men feel that there must be “something wrong” if their partner doesn’t climax. Yet, I was surprised to learn from Professor Whipple that over 70% of women report they do not have orgasm every time they have intercourse. Sadly, there are a lot of women, and men, who feel “less than” sexually when, in fact, they are quite normal. The average woman takes 20 minutes to become sexually aroused -- and, how shall I say it, in the rush to make their goal, many men forget not only the time, but the day of the week [insert laugh track here].

Imagine the mutual satisfaction if a man was aware that the experience is what is important to a woman, rather than rating "success" on whether she did or didn’t have an orgasm. What if he fully supported her "pleasure for the sake of pleasure" and de-emphasized orgasm? With less pressure to perform for both parties, there would be better, and dare I say it, more sex.

I have to write a word about "male performance". What a doofy phrase. As if the man performs and the woman applauds. As we've seen above, that's not always true. Take it from me, it's not a performance, gents. Writer Gary Zukav talks very eloquently about the power of the sexual connection in his book The Seat of The Soul. In that book, Zukav suggests that forgetting the spiritual aspect of sex strips it of its meaning. In that way, too, the idea of "male performance" strips sex of the mutuality of the moment.

Just understanding that he needs a goal and she needs an experience could transform a relationship. Rather than expecting him to love shopping, just like she does, a woman could say, “I am going to respect his need to seek-and-destroy when he’s shopping and not browbeat him to enjoy it as much as I do.” Or a man might plan an outing with a woman and say, “Rather than try to climb to the top of Mt. Baldy as fast as possible, I'm going to make sure Susan really enjoys the experience. We'll move at a reasonable pace and stop halfway to have a picnic lunch.”

Wouldn’t it be great if a male manager could acknowledge that there is more to work than meeting and beating objectives – and reward women who focus on team-building and systems strengthening? And a woman manager could recognize that the guys on the team need the satisfaction of having something to strive toward, and create a process to measure and reward progress toward the goal?

There is so much to learn and appreciate from the differences between men and women. If a man can learn from a woman to slow down and enjoy the experience, while the woman learns the satisfaction of making and reaching goals, a kind of relational balance can be had – a balance which makes life for each of them that much more full.

Thinner Peace

A few weeks ago I wrote about Being Perfect. One of the common ways many of us strive for perfection is in our weight or body shape. We think: If only I could lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, then life would be perfect. Truth? If you did lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, you'd just be skinner... with the same old problems.

This pursuit of perfection is endless -- and those of us in pursuit often pay a high emotional and psychological toll. It's like this: we weigh too much, so we can never be enough. That is a stuck mindset. It's a limiting place. It's no fun. It really hurts.

It's time for the anguish and suffering to stop.

It’s time for Thinner Peace.

Among the clatter of competing weight loss approaches, arrives leading life coach, author, O Magazine columnist and friend of mine, Dr. Martha Beck. In The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace, Martha provides a funny, thoughtful, erudite, practical approach to losing and maintaining your best body size. It's a diet book for all of us who think diet is a four-letter word.

Even if you don’t usually buy diet books, don't you think you'd love a book with chapters like “Eat Whatever The Hell You Want”, "How To Stop Eating When You Can't Stop Eating" and "How Not To Be A Big Fat Liar"?

What I love about this book is that Martha gives a thorough, intelligent explanation of how the mind works (would you expect anything less from a gal with three degrees from Harvard?) -- and bases her approach on cutting edge research. She tells you not only “how” – but gets you to understand the all important “why”. You’ll find out how traditional diet programs based on deprivation, willpower and suffering work on our minds and help us stay heavy.

Martha undertook this work in as a consultant to Jenny Craig, to help them better understand the psychological aspects of weight loss. Her key finding, after working with plenty of Jenny Craig clients as well as her own private coaching clients, is this: when you set up a famine situation in your brain, you are undermining your ability to lose weight. Psychologically, when you say, "I cannot have even one cookie. If I have a cookie, I will be bad. I will have no willpower and be a loser if I eat just one cookie. Nope, no cookies for me!" – you actually program yourself to only think about what you're missing: cookies. And if you have the opportunity, you'll satisfy your cookie famine with a cookie binge.

I know that where I put my attention will grow more central to my life. Martha’s approach plays on the same idea. If you focus on what you can’t do, can’t eat, can’t be, you’ll be stuck there and won’t even be aware of what you can do, can eat or can be.

Martha suggests that we have three aspects of our consciousness: the impulsive overeater in all of us is our Wild Child; the Dictator is the punishing, judgmental part. To really achieve Thinner Peace, you have to take the third way -- you have to be The Watcher. The Watcher expresses loving kindness toward the recklessness of the Wild Child as well as the demands of the Dictator, but asks "why" frequently. Why does the Wild Child want the ice cream sundae? Why is the Dictator punishing me for having a french fry? It's the Watcher who is forgiving, self-loving and self-nurturing. And in charge.

For most people, this shift away from having the Wild Child or Dictator rule the roost is a significant move. The reason your diet has not worked in the past is because you’ve been ruled by impulse or guilt. You have eaten to soothe your emotions. But under the Watcher, you can be in a loving, caring, responsible position. And the Watcher helps you lose weight because you are free to just be – and eat when your body tells you you’re hungry. If you’re sad, the Watcher will notice that and turn your attention to lifting your mood with something other than food.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the book, and a good indication of why I gush about Martha Beck: “Almost all of us assume there's only one way to lose weight: by willpower, by white-knuckle resistance, by forcing the body with an aggressive, adversarial, disciplinarian mind. This can be achieved sometimes, though not often. Maintaining it long-term? I don't think it can be done. I've seen numerous clients deploy incredible discipline, using their Dictator selves to trap, dominate, and starve their Wild Child selves. Losing weight this way is as draining as keeping a violent criminal pinned to the floor with sheer force. But even if you manage to do it, you can't hold your own Wild Child in a hammerlock for the rest of your life. The minute you get tired, distracted or sick, the Dictator loses control, and the Wild Child goes into a feeding frenzy.

"That's the whole reason I wrote this book. Simply going on a diet program, without changing your mental set, causes backlash and weight gain. This is an inevitable reality, based on the way our brains and bodies are designed. But if you use 4-day win techniques to become a Watcher and bring yourself to Thinner Peace, your brain changes, as well as your body. Weight loss happens without backlash or resistance."

Thinner Peace. Count me in. Because it's time for the war to stop.