The MacGyver Approach

Know what? I really don't like stress. It makes me sick. Literally. So, I am doing my best to eliminate every ounce of stress from my life.

A great definition of stress is feeling like you lack the tools required to do that which is asked of you. Think about that. I lack the tool of time, so I'm stressed on the commute to work. I lack the tool of money, so I'm stressed about sending my kid to college. I lack the tool of expert knowledge on a specific subject, so I'm stressed about being seen as a dope.

So, if it's stressful for me to think that I lack the right tools, then the opposite, unstressful thought is: I have everything, or can get anything, I need to get this job done. I am always doing my best.

Yes, I am freakin' MacGyver.

MacGyver was the resourceful secret agent on the 80s TV show of the same name who could solve any problem with spit, a toilet paper roll, three paper clips and a shoelace. Great stuff. And he never lost his cool. Maybe he knew he could always pull out some kind of solution and foil the bad guys. Loved that.

Over time, I've realized that, like MacGyver, I always have some kind of tool I can use in some way in any given situation. Even if that tool is simply asking a question, like, "Can you help?" Yeah, I can do that.

After years of self-flagellation where I told myself how often I fell short, I've changed. Now I know that I am always doing my best with the tools I've got on hand, even if the outcome is less than, or different from, what I anticipated at the outset.

Mindbender, huh? Contrary to everything you've learned, right? How often have you heard (or said), "You could have done better." Just writing that sentence makes me feel like someone is staring at me, hard, over a pair of intimidating spectacles. "You could have done better." Sure reinforces the idea that I'm a loser.

Yet, I might have had zero support -- no extra hands -- to do what needed doing. We can dwell on what the outcome could have been if I'd had some help... but when I acknowledge that what happened was due to the resources at hand, I can see that I did my absolute best with what I was given. And if this points out that I need to learn to ask for help, I can focus there -- and get the tool I need for the future.

I might not have enough money to execute in the "proper" way -- today, many of us are having to adjust to tight budgets and limited funds -- but when I carp and complain about what might have been if I'd had enough money, I neglect what's really real. And what's real is what I've been able to actually accomplish with the money that's available.

And, when I'm honest, sometimes the tool I lack is the physical oomph to get done what needs doing. I could say to myself, "Well, if only I'd gotten a better night's sleep," or "if only I didn't have cancer," or "if only I lost 20 pounds," I visualize a different outcome that the one that really happened. That's when I step into fantasy land.

Because it's an unreal, possibly impossible outcome I'd be imagining. The outcome that happened is what happened. Dwelling on anything else is dwelling in fantasy. And inviting stress to come along for the ride.

When I know that am always doing my best, I can accept that some days I produce more, differently or better than other days. That's just the way it is. But every outcome is always the best possible outcome given the tools I have at hand.

When I know I am always doing my best, I can also figure you are likewise doing your best. And that gives me the freedom to not be stressed about it -- my job just may be helping you find the tools you need to do it differently.

Shift your thinking on this one, dear readers, and not only will your stress level plummet, but you'll find that what you do becomes better and easier. Why? Because you already know it's going to be your best. And like MacGyver, you'll be amazed at what can be accomplished with just the tools you have at hand.

Broken For You

Sometimes you read a book at precisely the right time for precisely the right reason, and take away precisely the right message. So it was for me and the book Broken For You by Stephanie Kallos.

It's the story of people who attempt to hide their brokenness by changing their names, taking on fruitless quests, hiding in lonely isolation or liberally using Guarnier Nutrisse Conditioning Color Masque Number 68.

Wanda Schultz has too many cracks to count. The product of a broken home, she begins fixing things at age six in a canny effort to fit in at her adoptive aunt and uncle's home. As an adult, she chooses a "fixing" career, too, becoming a professional stage manager, fixing productions, actors, props and sets. The more she tries to ignore her brokenness the more cracks and fissures grow until, literally, her body is shattered and she must come to terms with her authentic self.

Margaret Hughes lives alone in a mansion, among the ghosts of people and things that once held so much meaning but also so much guilt. When Margaret opens her house to boarders -- Wanda is the first -- she finds the glue to mend her fractured life and let go of her paralyzing guilt and shame.

How many of us spend an inordinate amount of energy hiding our broken places? Pretending they don't exist? We seek out the healing adhesive we think can be found in that one person, that one experience, that one surgical procedure, that one elusive Holy Grail of Something that will make us perfect, and make our troublesome pasts disappear. Yet, it's only in accepting our broken places and applying a little grout and glue, that we are able to accept the authentic, happy mosaic of our lives.

From the book: "Look then at the faces and bodies of people you love. The explicit beauty that comes not from smoothness of skin or neutrality of expression, but from the web of experience that has left its mark. Each face, each body is its own living fossilized record. A record of cats, combatants, difficult births; of accidents, cruelties, blessings. Reminders of folly, greed, indiscretion, impatience. A moment of time, of memory, preserved, internalized and enshrined within and upon the body. You need not be told that these records are what render your beloved beautiful. If God exists, He is there, in the small cast-off pieces, rough and random and no two alike."

Beauty, then, has nothing to do with age, or position, or value, or perfection. Beauty lies in the ability to look fearlessly at your own broken spots, mend them and make a new creation. Beauty comes when you allow others to know you for exactly who you are -- chipped, cracked, fractured -- and whole despite your broken places.

When To Quit

Every once in a while I have one of those weeks where it seems that every client is talking about the same thing. When that happens, I figure I'm getting some big old honking message.

And I have to write about it.

This week, the ubiqui-topic was "When do I quit?" And there seems to be variety in what it is people want to quit -- quit smoking, quit a job, quit a relationship, quit worrying.

But how do you know it's time? How can you be sure you're clear, and leaving for the right reasons? What are the right reasons, anyway?

It's time to quit when the person you are becoming is someone you don't like. When you're in a job, and as a condition of employment you are expected to fudge facts, shift numbers and lie to customers, you become a person who fudges, shifts and lies. Is that who you want to be?

A relationship that asks you to set aside your own personal goals, your own friends, your own hobbies -- that asks you to nag, or to make excuses for another person, or to change your beliefs -- who are you in that kind of relationship? You're a person with no rudder. You're a person with no self. Is that who you want to be?

It's time to quit when you find that you love having the problem more than the problem loves you. If you find yourself talking about the problem all the time, stewing and fretting, worrying about it, analyzing it, turning the problem over and over in your head -- is that who you want to be? Is that how you want to use your energy?

There's an underlying ubiqui-thought we need to address, friends, and it's: "I should be able to make this work."

Maybe you could make it work. If you were King of The Forest and could control all the elements. So, let me ask you -- do you control your boss? Can you stop him from giving you an ASAP assignment -- at 5pm on New Year's Eve? Can you stop him from lobbing f-bombs at you? Can you stop her from excluding you from important meetings, or distribution of key memos?

Can you make your boyfriend sober? Can you single-handedly restore your spouse to mental health? Is it possible to string together the perfect set of words that will make your boss sit up and say, "By golly, you're absolutely right! I'm a jerk! I am going to change 30 years of my behavior just because of what you said!"

Ah, folks can dream. But we know the truth: you only control yourself, and you only change yourself. "Making this work" often means adapting yourself to something that's unhealthy.

And you become, over time, someone you don't want to be.

"Yes, but..." is another tactic we use to stay stuck in an unhealthy situation. "Yes, but... when he leaves his wife, stops drinking, goes to counseling and gets a job, everything will be perfect." OK. But for now, he's with his wife, drinking, avoiding counseling and unemployed. That's what's real. The "Yes, but..." you're waiting for might never happen.

And who are you becoming while you wait?

You and only you have the opportunity, and the right, to live the life you are meant to live. Quitting that which is unhealthy for you and moving toward that which is healthy can be really, really hard. But it's the only way you become someone you really, really like.

Internal Stress

A hundred years ago, society frowned upon those who were left-handed. In fact, the bias against lefties goes back quite a while. The Latin word referring to the left hand, sinister, means evil, while the word referring to the right hand, dexter, means correct. A hundred years ago schools "broke" lefties and turned them into righties. It's estimated that seven to ten percent of the population is left-handed, so plenty of people were just plain wrong, perhaps even evil, in society's eyes.

Imagine the internal stress for a young boy in those days who yearned to do the most natural thing in the world -- to pick up a pencil and draw with his left hand. But he knew he shouldn't. It was wrong. It's not what everyone expected. He'd be shamed if he used the wrong hand. But he already lived every day with the shame of his innate preference for the "wrong" hand.

Do you struggle with similar internal stress? Plenty of us do. It's being introverted in a family of extroverts. It's being extroverted in a family that expects silence. It's being a gentle soul in a workplace that expects you to be a shark. It's being a shark living in a monastery. It's wanting to live in the woods and paint when you're expected to live in a gated community and be a lawyer. It's wanting to live in a gated community and be a lawyer when everyone in your world values painters who live like Thoreau.

A few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to be at the Smithsonian when they brought out the rare Stradivari, and had virtuoso musicians play them. The sound that came from those ancient instruments! The skill with which they were played!

It seems that every instrument has one note it resonates to -- the note that is true and clear. When this note is played, the instrument transcends itself and the musician and creates a wholly new, marvelous thing. Singers, too, have this kind of resonate note. It's the note you sing when someone says, "Sing." It may be sharp or flat, high or low -- but it's your natural note. And when you sing it, your soul thrums.

Internal stress comes from having to sing another person's resonant note. You live in constant contradiction with your essential, true self. No thrum. Ever.

If you don't know your own internal resonant note, don't fear. You can find it. You may have repressed it in order to fit in, or, like our left-handed friend, to avoid shame -- but, believe me, it's still there inside you. How to find it?

Start by daring to live as your essential self. Be introverted if that's the way you were born. Be loud if that's how you really are. Be a goofball. Be serious. Be sentimental, be generous, be a hopeless romantic -- be whatever you are when you're truly, authentically your best self.

When you stop fighting your innate yearning, and just pick up that pencil in your left hand regardless of what people say -- you will have found your creative, true self.

To defeat your internal stress, all you have to do is dare to sing your own note.

How To Like What You Do

Susan's complaining about her job. Oh, no, she likes her work -- she's just not crazy about the people she's working with. She's in a high-pressure, high-performance field where you "eat what you kill" -- in other words, she's paid a percentage of the contracts she closes.

The more we talk, it's apparent that Susan's frustrated because no one in the office is interested in working on projects with anyone else. No one refers Susan clients. No one comes to the parties she throws. People poach each other's support staff. She's never worked in a place like this and she's thinking about leaving.

I recommended Susan take the Myers-Briggs assessment. "But that's just for teams!" she blurted. "What can it do for an individual?" [note blatant set up here, which neatly introduces the subject I really want to write about!]

Back in the early 1920s, Katharine Cook Briggs discovered the work of pioneering psychologist Carl Jung. Katharine had been doing her own independent research on personality -- hoping to devise a tool to identify personality differences so that people could understand themselves and others -- and in Jung's theories found a workable personality type framework.

Katharine, the daughter of a college professor, had been home-schooled, so she home-schooled her own daughter, Isabel, in the same manner. In time, Isabel Briggs Myers -- armed with just a bachelor's degree, her mother's insights and her own determined curiosity -- developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

I love the idea that a mother and her daughter, working together, developed such a useful and insightful tool. They encountered resistance from the academic community who scoffed at their indicator -- they had no training, no credentials! Who did these women think they were?!

Katharine and Isabel, mother and daughter, weathered that storm. Eighty-some years after Katharine began her research, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is the the most widely used personality assessment in the world.

You may have taken the MBTI at some point -- and found your personality type represented by four letters, E or I, S or N, T or F, P or J. Sound at all familiar? There are sixteen possible combinations. You have a preference for either Extroversion or Introversion. You either Sense or Intuit. You Think or you Feel. You Perceive or you Judge.

"But," you say with a tiny whimper, "I am both Extroverted and Introverted. It depends on the situation." You are absolutely right. Jung theorized that, at our best, we know when it's appropriate to be Introverted and Extroverted, to Sense or to Intuit, and so on. The MBTI gets to what our innate preference is, regardless of which we may use in a particular situation.

Let's try an example of preference. Cross your arms across your chest. Note which arm is on top. Now, switch your arms so that the top arm is on the bottom. How's that feel? Awkward? Bet so. You have a marked preference for how you cross your arms, just as you have marked preferences for the way you see the world.

Neat, huh?

People with particular preferences tend to cluster in the same kind of field. Studies have shown, for instance, that people who choose the military have similar personality types -- hierarchical, traditional, practical -- and that makes sense, doesn't it? Similarly, people in the nursing field tend to have similar personality characteristics -- concerned with people, empathetic, open to solutions. Each type brings its own strengths and shortcomings, which naturally lend themselves to success or difficulty in particular fields.

After she took the Myers-Briggs assessment, I pointed out to Susan that one of the main problems might be that her type (ESFJ) has a strong preference for belonging. It's important that she feel part of a team, that she work in a hierarchy with known roles and an objective system for promotion. That means she might not fit in with an organization that values and rewards autonomous lone wolves. To be happier in her career, she can 1) bring more belongingness into her current workplace, or 2) find a workplace that fosters belonging.

Her eyes opened with understanding, and her path forward became a little clearer. And that's what Myers-Briggs is all about. Understanding yourself, and understanding those around you, so that you can be more effective and clear. Sure, MBTI is great for teams -- and [shameless self-plug warning] I'm happy to come into your workplace to deliver a knockout program that will help your team become more efficient, communicate better, solve interpersonal problems and retain employees -- but simply knowing and understanding your own personality type, and how it shapes your joys and your struggles, can be an eye-opening experience.

In-box Management

Like most folks, I have a couple of different email in-boxes. One's more for work, one's more for fun, and one seems to be the catchall for hundreds of spam messages. That's right, hundreds -- every day.

I get messages for products -- how do I put this delicately -- to enhance the size and prowess of a particular body part that's not a standard equipment on the female form. From these messages, I have learned that this particular body part requires quite a lot tending, in terms of medication, cremes, patches and powders. I had no idea. Always seemed rather straightforward to me: Stimulus. Response. Done.

Oh, and I get many touching messages from lonely young women who'd like to show me their pictures, dear things.

I had no idea that I had so many kinsmen who die in Africa, Latin America and China, leaving immense fortunes which can be mine if I cooperate with certain widowed wives of former dignitaries of said nations.

People write daily to sell me OEM software, whatever that is, and "genuine replica watches". Let's see, it's "genuine" and "replica" -- sounds surprisingly like "fake".

The other day I received a message from the unfortunately named "Cosimo Kiang", who wanted to give me $500, just for clicking a button. Where do they manufacture these names, anyway? Throwing darts at a phone book?

Every couple of days, I scan through these messages looking for an authentic message from a real person asking me a real question. This trolling and culling takes too much of my time, and I always worry that I've overlooked or deleted something of real importance.

I hate spam. It sucks my time and attention and gets me all distracted and fidgety.

But you know what? The deluge of stupid, time-wasting, ridiculous messages is not restricted to my email in-box. Nope, I get plenty of spam addressed to one other mailbox I sort through regularly -- the in-box between my ears.

You know these kinds of spam messages: Be thinner. Be younger. Be older. Be smoother. Be tougher. Be gentler. Be taller. Be sexier. Be buff. Be wealthy. Be #1. Be as self-sacrificing as Mother Teresa.

In short: Be something other than what you are.

The spam between my ears doesn't help me live my best possible life. It clogs me up, paralyzes me, helps me feel inadequate and unsuccessful. So, I've taken to sorting through and culling those messages, too. The good news is that I've finally arrived at the place where I receive the message, decide whether it's something to pay attention to or not, then click that old delete button.

So satisfying.

If you have a ton of spam in the in-box between your ears, maybe it's time to do a major purge. Better yet, set some filters so the most annoying, time consuming, distracting messages go to the trash before you ever see them!

The best messages are those that lift you up, reinforce the best part of you, remind you what makes you uniquely wonderful, prompt you to live authentically, and allow you to change that which holds you back.

The rest? A spam-like waste of time.

In The Rearview Mirror

It's been a year since I began writing this weekly blog. A year! And what a year it's been.

Looking back, I certainly have referred to pop music -- in A Peaceful Easy Feeling, Risky Business and, of course, Funk Sway.

I've written about tragedy in We Are Virginia Tech, When Times Are Tough and Changing Through Crisis.

I've spent time talking about workplace issues with The Best Job Interview Question Ever, Getting Back To Work and Extreme Jobs.

I've written about books, like the best-seller called The Secret, in How To Get What You Want, and other great books in Forgiveness and The Power of Discipline.

One of the most popular columns I've produced is Fight or Flight? Or Mend and Tend. Believe it or not, this piece is read nearly every day by someone in the world.

Because I have readers in Singapore and Moldova. Ireland and Italy. South Africa and India. The breadth of geography is astounding. But most of you readers are living somewhere between Alaska and Florida, and I thank you kindly for your time.

Do I have a favorite column? Not really -- they're all my little brainchildren and, like a doting mother, I can't pick one I like best. When I re-read my columns, I remember what was going on at the time, how I felt, how a client felt, what the day was like. So, for me, each column is its own time capsule.

Folks ask me, "Where do you get the ideas you write about?" Sometimes it's a theme which emerges from several coaching clients in one week, or it's something I'm working on getting in my own life. Many of you pass on ideas, and you've saved my bacon more than once -- so keep your suggestions coming!

What have I not written on in the last year that needs attention? Well, let's see... Katharine Briggs and her daughter Isabel Myers, and what they accomplished. How teenagers provide excellent role models. Spam. The link between self-knowledge and beauty. What to do when your boss is a jerk. How to be heard. And, in the words of the pop poet, Kenny Rogers, when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

So, another year beckons. Stick with me, will you?

Mind Your Own Business

Imagine you're a business owner. Say you have a restaurant and you do a fair business, but you could always use more customers and revenue. One day a guy walks in and asks if you cater. You think a moment and say to yourself, "Well, food's food. I guess I can cater" and, voila! You've got a new line of business -- you're a caterer.

Imagine another person comes in to the restaurant and says, "Charlie, you're a capable person and I like you a lot. Can I pay you to wallpaper my bathroom?"

Now, wait a second. Catering is to restaurant, as wallpapering is to...what?

This is exactly the moment many small business owners get off track. Especially when money's short. A client requests something that's not particularly in your sweet spot, but you do it, thinking, "Gotta get me some money." The end result: you spend less time on your business, it suffers and, voila! You have less money.

Saying no is hard. It's particularly hard to say no to earning money when you really need the cash. But think about it this way: saying no frees up your time to earn money building your business and doing more of what you like.

How do you know if what you're being offered is a new, lucrative business opportunity or just a waste of time? Glad you asked. Here are my Three Handy Things To Ask Yourself When Offered a Business Opportunity (catchy title, huh?):

What Do I Want For My Business? As a restaurateur, I want to offer good, well-prepared meals to people at fair prices. [Just as an aside, this is the quick and easy question anyone can ask themselves to come up with a mission statement -- you just saved yourself thousands in consulting fees.]

Will This Opportunity Help Build My Business or Not? Catering allows the restaurateur to continue to offer good, well-prepared meals to people at fair prices. It's only the delivery system that changes. However, wallpapering doesn't allow the fulfillment of his mission statement in any way, shape or form.

How Do I Feel About This Opportunity? If you feel conflicted or uneasy or downright icky about it, use the Force, Luke, and listen to your feelings. If you feel uneasy before it even starts, imagine how you'll feel when six months go by and you're not cooking any meals -- just endlessly wallpapering bathrooms.

And, you're saying to me, I don't own my own business. This is not relevant to me. Oh, really?

Most of us face moments when we are offered something that we could do, but aren't sure if we should do. I'm suggesting that my Three Handy Things To Ask Yourself can be used whenever you need to evaluate doing something new.

What do I want for my life? Will this help me grow, or not? How do I feel about this?

Whenever you need to sort out options, and feel... oh, overwhelmed or uncertain or just plain icky, take the time to remember what it is you set out to do -- then, feel free to say yes or no.

What Coaching Is

Have you ever wondered what coaching is all about? Wondered whether coaching is for you?

Last week my former client Barb sent me the following testimonial -- and I think she sums up (quite nicely) the process and outcomes of coaching. So, with her permission, I share her thoughts with you:

"I had heard of life coaching through a friend and while a bit skeptical, I searched on line for a 'coach' who might help guide me through a stage where I welcomed not only career advice, but life directional advice as well. I came upon Michele's website and was, quite frankly, impressed with her credentials and yet the overall down-to-earth nature which came across in her writing. I found Michele to be not only very approachable, but very wise for (what I think is!) her age.

"A very good listener, Michele was able to quickly ascertain and summarize for me what my issues or roadblocks seemingly were; to put a voice to the things I intuitively felt were going on, but could not verbalize myself. Together we created goals, both career-wise and other, and followed my progress. Each time we talked I felt there were kernels of wisdom there; things I had not thought of before. A survey of my core values has helped remind me about where I am headed in life and how to change course if necessary. I recommend Michele as a life coach for both men and women as she is intuitive, helps one strategize and develop tactics, and as she is someone who can help you see the broader picture of your life when you might be bogged down by the daily details."

Thanks for the affirmation, Barb, and just for the record, I'm 47 years old -- having recently attended two birthday parties for a fabulous 80 year old and a fantastic 93 year old, I only hope I can grow to have the wisdom of those two birthday girls as the years pass.

Coaching is a results-oriented endeavor. If you are stuck, or feel you don't have a plan -- coaching can help. If you want to make change but aren't sure how to go about it, coaching can help. If you're in a crisis and need the support of an unbiased third party, coaching can help.

As your coach, I have one objective: I want you to succeed. To get where you need to go, I design a series of exercises, assessments and tools specific to you and to your objective. I'll use any tool, any approach, any resource necessary to get you where you want to go. No two clients get the same approach -- because no two clients have exactly the same backgrounds, experiences, ideas, feelings or goals.

Sometimes I'll be your teacher. Sometimes I'll be your mentor. Sometimes I'll be your cheerleader. And, always, I'll be your coach -- helping you reach farther, grow stronger, understand deeper.

That's my mission statement. And I have to tell you this: working with clients like Barb make coaching the best job I've ever had.

Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter And Save Money

Spend an afternoon with the cable remote in your hand and you could come away with the idea that most people in the world are heavier than is healthy, have messy houses, lackluster love lives, and can't save a nickel.

I invested in some couch time the other day (in my on-going effort to perfect The Art of Being Lazy, of course), and was astounded by the number of TV shows about dealing with either too much (like possessions and food) or too little (love, fashion sense). And the one sad common thread among the folks on these shows was their overwhelming feeling of lack and their resulting self-punishing behaviors.

It comes down to this: when we feel powerless, we look to behaviors which allow us to grab onto a little bit of power. If I feel denied love, I am sure-as-shootin' not going to deny myself the cheesecake.

And after I eat the whole cheesecake in one sitting, I feel horrible about myself, decide I'm never going to have a boyfriend and get out of this hellhole of a life, so I turn to the chocolate ice cream in the freezer.

This cycle repeats, spinning down into a not very nice place to be. It's a place of powerlessness.

But there's good news. Turning powerlessness into power is a simple matter of shifting our thoughts. It's going from feeding yourself in an attempt to fill a gap, to feeding yourself out of self-respect and self-love.

It's "I can choose to eat anything, so I am choosing food which tastes good, is good for me and nurtures me."

Baby, that's power.

Power is also saying "I can have any old partner in a New York minute, but to have a partner who respects me and loves me, I have to love and respect myself first." Many of us get involved with unsuitable people because of the thought "Anybody's better than nobody." Anybody, because we maybe chose him out of panic, may be someone who affirms our inner sense of lack, rather than our inner strength. Where's the power in that?

When you chose a partner out of self-respect, you will have a partner worth having. When you spend your money out of self-respect, you will not overspend. When you live with things that reflect your self-respect, your clutter diminishes. When you feed yourself with an eye to nurturing that which is best in you, you will eat healthily.

You have the power to take care of yourself, and eliminate that which holds you back from your best life. You have the power -- use it.

Extreme Jobs

How many hours a week do you work? Do you travel? Do you supervise or mentor people? Are you required to be available to clients 24/7? Do you have to attend work-related events outside of regular work hours? Are there even such things as "regular work hours" where you work?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you might just have what Sylvia Ann Hewlett calls an "Extreme Job." In her book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success, Hewlett discusses the rise of extreme jobism as a barrier which keeps women from the executive suite, but also keeps men stressed and harried. It's true, fewer women with children hold extreme jobs than do men -- mainly because of the competing demands of work and family. Women who are also moms tend to step down, or away, from extreme jobs in an effort to find a balance in their lives.

Hewlett backs up her arguments with terrific research. In surveys, people in extreme jobs report the toll their work life takes on their health -- "more than two thirds don't get enough sleep, half don't get enough exercise, and a significant number overeat, consume too much alcohol, or rely on medications to relieve insomnia or anxiety," Hewlett finds.

But the biggest toll comes in the personal life of people with extreme jobs. Hewlett cites Arlie Hochschild's book The Time Bind, and talks about the stress on a relationship when both people work long hours at demanding jobs. "Hochchild shows that for many professionals 'home' and 'work' have reversed roles: home is where you expect to find stress -- and guilt; while work has become the 'haven in a heartless world' -- the place where you get strokes and respect, a place where success is more predictable."

Just about the same time I read Hewlett's book, the Washington Post ran an article about workaholism. Serendipitous coincidence for me, because I was able to connect some dots. The Post article suggested workaholics take a look at relationships in the family, and ask, "Do you routinely get home after the kids are in bed? Miss important family events? Do you get impatient with family members because you have so much work to do?" The Post quotes Chris Essex from the Center for Work and the Family who says that some workaholics "choose to stay at work because family is harder work. They have skills and training that allow them to be successful at work, but they don't have the skills and training to be successful at home."

See a theme here?

It seems that sometimes people use the demands of their job as a barrier to real, deep connection with others. Busy single people can't make plans with others; busy married people can't make plans with their families. Which is one big, honking way to avoid connecting with people at all.

Kinda sad, isn't it?

The rules and roles are well-defined at work -- thus giving the control freak among us plenty of comfort. At home, however, the footing's somewhat dicier, and harder to control. So, stay at work -- in the comfort zone -- or come home, where all bets are off.

If you recognize yourself in this paradigm, there are some things you can do to begin balancing your life and making deeper connections with your family and friends:

1) Start measuring yourself by a new yardstick. Rather than making your long hours and demanding schedule a "badge of honor", define yourself in other ways -- as a good parent, a good friend, a good squash player. So many times I've been in situations where one person talks about how demanding their job is only to have the next person "one-up" with how demanding their job is. If you find yourself in this kind of dueling banjos, just stop. De-escalate. You'll be doing everyone a favor if you are a walking example of a happy, balanced life.

2) If you are the boss and you demand that your staff model your driven behavior, ask yourself if that's really necessary. Do you have stressed-out people? Do you have people who are frequently ill? How's morale? Do you have high turnover? Hewlett points out that it costs one and a half times a person's salary to replace them -- it costs more the higher in the organization you go. Workaholism, then, costs you more as a manager than it likely gets you. Change the group think, and you will get happier, more productive people who like what they do -- and, as I've often found -- will stay loyal to you and your organization.

3) Get some training. Go to a couples retreat, take some parenting classes or take up a hobby. In our workplaces we get leadership training, diversity training, computer training, ethics training, team building exercises and stress management classes. Why don't we do this in our own homes? Make a "training schedule" for your non-work life, and build those skills which might be lacking. If you can find rewards from this kind of training -- more sex, more happiness, more connection, more fun (just to name a few) -- then the reward of an extreme job begins to pale in comparison. Believe me.

The bottom line is this: where you put your attention will grown more important in your life. If you put 120% of your attention on your work life, how much do you have for the rest of you? -80% is my guess. I'm not saying you can't be successful. You can be. I'm not saying you can't work hard. You can. The goal is balance. Work smart. Work efficient. Define yourself by your whole life, not just one part of it. It's in that balance that life has the most meaning. And the most joy.

Questions & Answers

More than once I have been known to say, "Work is a four-letter word." And, sometimes it is -- I sense a lot of heads nodding in unison. Yet, at times work transcends and becomes something which gives meaning and purpose to our lives. Coaching can help you move from soul-sucking, four-letter-word work to fulfilling, meaningful work. Coaching can also help improve other parts of your life. Let me give you some examples:

I can't stand my boss. She makes my day miserable. She's a horrible leader -- she can't make decisions, she avoids conflicts, she passes most of the tough decisions on to me. That means I have even more work to do! She also loses her temper and rages around the office. She's really unpredictable. What can I do?

Quit. No, I'm just sort of kidding. OK, I might not be kidding. In all things, I suggest you give a situation your best shot before throwing in the towel. That way you can walk away knowing that you tried everything possible to make a situation work. When you have problems with your boss, usually it's one of two things: 1) your Bully Boss reminds you of someone you've had trouble with in the past, or 2) your Bully Boss exhibits traits you wish you had yourself. I often ask clients who their Bully Boss reminds them of -- and they usually know exactly who to finger (most frequently they're reminded of a tyrannical parent or other powerful figure from their childhood).

Then, we look at what it is that's similar (inexplicable rage, unpredictability, favoritism, etc.) and work on understanding how that influences your actions, or holds you back. When the Bully Boss has traits you wish you had -- you might say, "No way! I'm nothing like that bully!" To which I say, "Way", and ask you to list everything you hate about the Bully Boss. Then we'll go back through the list and figure out what you need to strengthen or to claim.

In one case, a client was perturbed that the Boss always brown-nosed more senior people, asking them to lunch or coffee or other activities. After doing an exercise or two, the client realized that she was envious of her Bully Boss, because the client wished she had the gumption to interact with senior staff. She made a goal of asking a Senior V.P. to lunch, and it worked. Her tension with her boss lessened substantially. However, if you look at how your own judgments and biases may be contributing to your work environment and still determine that the problem is your boss -- then get your resume together, activate your network and throw in the towel. Some situations cannot be fixed.

I've just been promoted to a big job -- I'm managing some of the people who were interviewed for this position. There's a lot of back-stabbing and office politics. How do I make the most of my new job?

First, you have to play the part. If you are a manager or senior executive, you have to own that role. Notice what the other senior people wear, and match their level of professional dress. Impressions about you are made in the very first few weeks of your new job -- claim your authority from the beginning. I have a client who started as an executive at a major organization where few women were in senior ranks. So my client dressed and acted how she thought an executive should, and no one doubted her authority. In fact, she was promoted in the first two months on the job.

The second part of this scenario is more complicated -- managing someone who was considered for the position you now hold. Yikes! The best strategy is to win that person over. Ask about their successes and carefully seek their opinion. I say "carefully" because you don't want to cede your authority to them. Rather, keep in mind that you want to foster a harmonious team and act accordingly. Do your best to avoid office gossip -- as a manager, you set the tone and can send a message that damaging, back-stabbing office gossip will not be tolerated. Finally, taking a new, big job might be slightly scary and you might be tempted to use self-deprecating humor to break the ice. Big honking mistake. If you "run yourself down", as your mama would say, you leave yourself wide open for others to do the same. Act confidently and leave your insecurities at home.

I'm scared of making decisions. I think that whatever I do, I'll make the wrong choice and live to regret it. Any advice?

I believe the vast majority of human beings are influenced by fear. Specifically, the fear of death. And my recommended antidote? Walk right into the fear. If you are afraid of dying, you'll do anything to avoid situations where you could possibly, potentially, tangentially die. You avoid talk of death, and maybe even avoid funerals.

All this avoidance only serves to make your fear bigger. When you walk up to your fear and shake its hand, you may find that the fear is groundless and not worth fearing. In that instance, you can walk right through your fear -- and not be hamstrung by it any longer. This is true when you fear another person's rage, when you fear failure, when you fear shame. Walk up to it and ask, "Why am I afraid of you? What will happen to me because of you?" Keep asking, "What happens next?" until you get to the point where you understand exactly what your fear is... and shake its hand. I promise, you will have a better chance of walking through to no-fear than if you keep avoiding what makes you fearful in the first place.

I'm 53, divorced, empty-nester. I've had a job at a non-profit but it's not fulfilling any more. My kids are gone and starting lives of their own. I have a good ten or fifteen years before I retire -- what do I do with myself?

When looking up the road, it's often useful to look back down the road we've already traveled. As your coach, I'd start by helping you assess your core values and see how you have lived them, or, perhaps subordinated them in service of some other priority. By knowing your values, you can construct a future based on them -- thereby increasing your sense of meaning and purpose. We'd also consider how much money you need to make (not want, sugar -- need, and YOU KNOW there is a difference) and how you want to live. These simple two steps put folks a long way toward what might be a surprising, meaningful, brand-new road.

I think I'm married to the wrong person. There's just no 'zing' in our marriage. He takes care of the basics but there's no romance. Whenever I ask him to do something -- like talk with me more about his feelings, or share his life with me -- he does it for a few days then goes right back into the rut. We hardly ever have sex. It almost feels like we don't have anything in common. I can't be married like this for the rest of my life! What do I do?

Simple advice: Get thee into therapy. As a coach, I've taken specialized training to help couples strengthen their marriages. I can help with tips and tactics to improve the quality of your marriage, but when you feel like this about your marriage, you are a zillion times more likely to do something you might ultimately regret (just because Stella got her groove back with a handsome young man, doesn't mean you will).

In therapy, you can voice your concerns about your marriage and learn skills and tactics to enhance your relationship. I particularly like the Imago therapy approach developed by Harville Hendrix (his Getting the Love You Want is a great book). Go to www.imagotherapy.com and search for a qualified Imago therapist in your area. Many of my clients work with me individually while also working with a couples counselor. As I mentioned above, don't throw in the towel until you've tried everything to make it work -- which includes a commitment to couples counseling.

Authentically You

There was a time in my life when I said "yes" when I meant "no", and "no" when I meant "yes". Looking back, I realize I did it because that's what I thought people wanted from me. And I wanted to be the person folks wanted me to be.

I said "yes" so often that my friend Fran gave me a t-shirt which read "Stop Me Before I Volunteer Again" which I wore to the next PTA meeting. I happened to be the PTA President at the time. Excellent team building message, don't you think?

I said "yes" because saying "no" might have meant someone would be unhappy with me. It made no nevermind if I was unhappy. My own need to be liked was more important than my need to be happy.

And I was not happy. Because I was not allowing myself to be authentically Michele. I was allowing others to determine who I might be. Power, power -- who's got the power? It was anybody but me.

I just re-read a book I've learned so much from: The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson. The approach Payson takes in this book -- what living with, working with, or being raised by a narcissist does to a person's self-esteem, coping mechanisms and future relationships -- is insightful. But I got something new from my recent re-read -- the idea of self-reflection as an indicator of emotional and mental health.

People with a character disorder, such as narcissism, are incapable of self-reflection. I also think people who are sleep-walking through their lives often avoid self-reflection or self-observation because they are afraid of waking up and living fully. Maybe they are afraid of being authentically themselves.

I am here to tell you that self-reflection is the path to authentic living. When you know who you are, how you feel and what you like -- not what others want you to be, feel or like -- and you live it, that's authenticity, baby.

There's an index card on my computer monitor. On it are scratched three simple questions. For me, they are the heart of my own self-reflection.

1. Why have I drawn this experience to me at this time?
2. What is this experience trying to teach me?
3. How can I use this situation to help me be a better person?

I refer to this card so often that these three questions have become my intuitive framework, especially when I am tempted to say "yes" when I really want to say "no". The opportunity to say "no", and mean it, often comes to me when I need to remember to keep my boundaries intact. Sometimes, it comes as a chance to help maintain my priorities -- and not take responsibility for executing yours. I've learned that when I focus on executing other people's priorities, it's frequently at the expense of my own.

Every single time I say "no" when I want to say "no", I reinforce that I am a Self worth being. All by myself. Regardless of whether you like me and my answer to your request, or not. When I stand up for myself, I am standing for my own authentic Me. That is a shift from my old way of being, and it feels really good. It feels like I am expressing my true self.

And, boy howdy, I become a better person when I only say "yes" when I mean "yes". I do a better job. I'm not overcommitted. I'm more focused. I say "yes" because I really and truly want to do what's asked of me. Believe me, if I say "yes", you are going to see and feel my passion.

Being authentically me means that I honor my choices, and I honor my abilities. I'm living my passions. I'm feeling all my feelings. And expressing them. And when I'm authentically me, I make space for you to be authentically you. How? Because it's perfectly OK with me if you are mad, happy, sad, silly, loving, offbeat, generous, hurt, wacky or meditative. Because I'm all those things, too.

Help!

“I lift up my eyes to the hills – from where will my help come?” (Psalm 121) This line from the Bible has always made me think of the cavalry swooping down over a ridge in some old western movie, bugles blaring and standards waving.

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth,” is the response the Psalm gives us. No word on the cavalry.

One of my biggest problems with “self-help” is the reliance on the word “self”. There’s one big “should” there – we should pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, forge our own path, fly solo, hoe our own row and, as Fleetwood Mac so succinctly put it, “go our own way.” It’s as if asking for help is revealing a giant weakness.

What’s the benefit of flying solo? Control, yes. And self-determination. Another good one: you don’t have to share your toys. When you are on your own no one else’s opinion matters… no one can tell you you’re wrong. No one can hurt you by rejecting your ideas.

Flying solo is a way of protecting yourself. Or, in the words of another pop song, “I am a rock, I am an island. I’ve built walls, A fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island.” (See? All those afternoons singing into my hairbrush have really paid off. And to think my parents worried about my future!)

I have seen so many women stop asking their husbands for help, especially when they have decided to step back from careers to focus on parenting. It’s as if these women feel they have to justify their decision by doing everything themselves. As a result, they feel lonely, overwhelmed, stressed out and alienated from their spouse. They have created a situation where they cannot ask for exactly what they need – help. And marriages suffer.

Gary Zukav wrote a challenging little book called The Seat of the Soul. Parts of the book are what my late cousin Libby would have called “woo-woo”, but his definition of relationship is right on: “individuals joined in equality for the purpose of spiritual growth.” What a marvelous way to phrase it.

If I am your friend, or your spouse, I am an individual committed to your spiritual growth. I truly want the best for you. I want you to grow. I want you to evolve, regardless of what that means for me.

However. The equals thing and the pursuit of growth thing may not be what you've got going on. If that's the case, maybe the reason you two don't ask for help is because you really don't want growth. Deep inside you think that if you grow you might change or your partner might change. They might not like you. You may not like them. You might leave. Or they might. That's scary. So you don't ask for help because you don't want to be abandoned. You're afraid that asking for help will reveal flaws in your relationship that may be too big to handle, so you don't ask. Sound at all familiar?

Let me tell you this: very few relationships are beyond repair -- especially if both of you want a more vibrant, loving connection. It is possible to shift away from fear and toward something more -- but you may need help to get there.

All you need to do is ask.

If you and I were in the equals-in-pursuit-of-growth kind of relationship/ friendship Gary Zukav describes, I want you to ask me for help. Not so I have a chit I can hold over your head for the rest of your stinkin’ life – but so I can help you, maybe in some small way, pursue your own personal growth.

But, if you want to know the truth, when I help you the real recipient of growth is... me. When I help you, I step out of my self-centered, narcissistic cocoon and focus externally. When I pack boxes with you, or help you with the dishes, or refer you business, or help you finally figure out your relationship with your mother, I put your needs before my own. And that is a great gift you give me. By asking for my help, you allow me to see a bigger world than I usually experience.

Zukav’s book also talks about angels, teachers and guides. This is the place he goes a little more woo-woo.

But when you think about it, it’s not so far out there.

Think about the time you had a baby on one hip, a toddler by the hand, three stuffed shopping bags and a stroller that needed folding before you got on the escalator during the Christmas shopping rush. Who stepped in and helped? Did you say, “Thank you, you're an angel!” to that guy? You sure could have. How about the woman in your first job who talked with you about suits, pantyhose and office politics? What did she teach you? And the fellow who stopped in the rain and changed your tire? Did he guide you to a moment when you were grateful and humble?

When the Psalm says, “From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth” -- remember that each of the examples above are human beings, just like you and me. If humans were indeed made in the divine image, then we all carry a spark of divinity within. You’ve got the spark, I’ve got the spark, he’s got it, she’s got it. Everybody's got it.

And your help? It comes directly from the divine spark within others.

So it’s OK to ask for help. Think of it this way: you’re doing everyone a favor! You’re appealing to our highest self, and allowing us to grow, and to touch the divine within.

Which is the essence of love. And the opposite of fear.

And not at all weak.

The Company You Keep

My first job after college was working for a beer company. Yep, I was hired to take on the onerous duty of selling beer to college students. Such hard work! For undertaking this major, heavy-lifting responsibility, I got a company car, an expense account, tickets to major sporting events all over the Pacific Northwest and all the gimme t-shirts a girl could want.

Nice work if you can get it, believe me.

At the time, and probably even today, the beer industry was dominated by men. I can’t tell you how many times I was the only woman in the room. It was a guy business, run by guys, governed by guy rules – and I sure learned to play by guy rules.

Which meant I swore like a sailor.

Everywhere I went – every warehouse, every meeting, every bar, every grocery store – people were using swear words. They were used as adjectives. As nouns. As verbs. Even as dangling participles.

I swam in an ocean of obscenity. And I took to it like a fish to water.

Imagine my surprise when, in my next job, I let go a stream of what I considered normal, creative invective and the room fell deadly quiet. Guess what? My new colleagues didn’t swear. I felt like a fish out of water. A fish with a potty mouth.

Group dynamics certainly govern our behavior. What’s acceptable to one crowd may be completely unacceptable to another. The trick is to find a group which supports that which is best in us – rather than a group that appeals to, how shall I say it? Our baser instincts.

There’s a public service announcement on TV now which shows a stick figure lounging in a window, smoking a joint. He offers a hit to the dog. The dog declines the opportunity. The stick figure says, “I feel bad about what I’m doing. If you did it with me, I’d feel less bad.” Maybe the dog’s name is B-I-N-G-O, because that’s what I felt like saying when I saw the ad. Bingo! People who feel bad about what they are doing need me to do it, too, so they can feel less bad.

In her book Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass suggests that one of the ways to affair-proof your marriage is to associate with people who are not only friends of marriage in general, but friends of your marriage in particular. In fact, Dr. Glass’ research shows that associating with people who are in affairs, or who condone, support or encourage affairs, increases the likelihood that your marriage will end in divorce.

It’s like a new norm is invented by the company you keep. If everyone swears, then it’s normal to swear. If everyone takes office supplies home, then it’s not stealing – it’s actually OK to put that Xerox copier in your pocketbook and haul it home. If people are rewarded for swindling clients, then clients get swindled. If everyone is cheating on their spouse, then it’s not cheating, really – it’s fun, it’s cool, it’s how the game is played. It may be unethical, but it's the norm. And when you live unethically, day in and day out, your self-esteem erodes.

That’s why finding your “tribe” of like-minded friends is vitally important to your marriage, to your workplace, to your happiness -- to your sense of self.

Friends help you be your best self. They support your personal growth, are objective and appropriately affirming. I say “appropriately” because it would be perfectly fine with me if a friend were less than affirming – especially if I had wandered off on some weird track that was not really that good for me. Like if I were spending day after day in my jammies eating junk food, not bathing, muttering to myself and watching back-to-back Rachel Ray shows. Some people call that “bad”. Other people call it “March, 2004.”

Moving on.

Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite spiritual writers,defined love as making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. My kids’ pediatrician has a framed print on his wall, “Let him be left-handed if that’s how he’s made.” Love, then, is letting someone be left-handed. Or gassy. Or opinionated. Or a Rachel Ray fan.

But being a friend also means you have the obligation to raise the impact of their negative or destructive behaviors with them.

The moment to evaluate a friendship is when, in the process of your friend fully being themselves, you find that you cannot be fully yourself. If their full expression is hurtful, dangerous or negative to you, you have every right to say something and to lovingly detach – to give them a ton of safe space to be themselves.

Alcoholics often find that they need new friends after sobriety, because many of their old friends consciously or sub-consciously promote drinking. That’s one reason why recovering alcoholics get sponsors – the sponsor is the beginning of a new social network, one which supports healthy, affirming activities, yet is lovingly supportive when the person in recovery slips back into hurtful habits. The sponsor creates a positive space for the alcoholic to be fully himself.

Toxic friendships are often based on being in a negative space together. How do you know if you're in one? If you feel used, you're probably being used. If you feel demeaned and belittled, then you're not in a situation which helps you grow. If you feel you can't be fully yourself with your friends, then you definitely haven't found your tribe. Relationships like this are not about growth or overcoming or affirmation. Rather, these friendships serve to keep all participants down, so nothing and no one has to change. They exist so other people won't feel so bad.

When eyes open and one person begins to grow, however, these friendships end because what they’re built on is not solid. And that's OK. Because when you're out of a bad situation, you have the chance to find a good one.

Look at your friendships. Do they support you? Do they affirm you? Do they reflect your values, your ethics, your best self? If they do, then congratulations.

You’ve found your tribe.

Thinner Peace

A few weeks ago I wrote about Being Perfect. One of the common ways many of us strive for perfection is in our weight or body shape. We think: If only I could lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, then life would be perfect. Truth? If you did lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, you'd just be skinner... with the same old problems.

This pursuit of perfection is endless -- and those of us in pursuit often pay a high emotional and psychological toll. It's like this: we weigh too much, so we can never be enough. That is a stuck mindset. It's a limiting place. It's no fun. It really hurts.

It's time for the anguish and suffering to stop.

It’s time for Thinner Peace.

Among the clatter of competing weight loss approaches, arrives leading life coach, author, O Magazine columnist and friend of mine, Dr. Martha Beck. In The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace, Martha provides a funny, thoughtful, erudite, practical approach to losing and maintaining your best body size. It's a diet book for all of us who think diet is a four-letter word.

Even if you don’t usually buy diet books, don't you think you'd love a book with chapters like “Eat Whatever The Hell You Want”, "How To Stop Eating When You Can't Stop Eating" and "How Not To Be A Big Fat Liar"?

What I love about this book is that Martha gives a thorough, intelligent explanation of how the mind works (would you expect anything less from a gal with three degrees from Harvard?) -- and bases her approach on cutting edge research. She tells you not only “how” – but gets you to understand the all important “why”. You’ll find out how traditional diet programs based on deprivation, willpower and suffering work on our minds and help us stay heavy.

Martha undertook this work in as a consultant to Jenny Craig, to help them better understand the psychological aspects of weight loss. Her key finding, after working with plenty of Jenny Craig clients as well as her own private coaching clients, is this: when you set up a famine situation in your brain, you are undermining your ability to lose weight. Psychologically, when you say, "I cannot have even one cookie. If I have a cookie, I will be bad. I will have no willpower and be a loser if I eat just one cookie. Nope, no cookies for me!" – you actually program yourself to only think about what you're missing: cookies. And if you have the opportunity, you'll satisfy your cookie famine with a cookie binge.

I know that where I put my attention will grow more central to my life. Martha’s approach plays on the same idea. If you focus on what you can’t do, can’t eat, can’t be, you’ll be stuck there and won’t even be aware of what you can do, can eat or can be.

Martha suggests that we have three aspects of our consciousness: the impulsive overeater in all of us is our Wild Child; the Dictator is the punishing, judgmental part. To really achieve Thinner Peace, you have to take the third way -- you have to be The Watcher. The Watcher expresses loving kindness toward the recklessness of the Wild Child as well as the demands of the Dictator, but asks "why" frequently. Why does the Wild Child want the ice cream sundae? Why is the Dictator punishing me for having a french fry? It's the Watcher who is forgiving, self-loving and self-nurturing. And in charge.

For most people, this shift away from having the Wild Child or Dictator rule the roost is a significant move. The reason your diet has not worked in the past is because you’ve been ruled by impulse or guilt. You have eaten to soothe your emotions. But under the Watcher, you can be in a loving, caring, responsible position. And the Watcher helps you lose weight because you are free to just be – and eat when your body tells you you’re hungry. If you’re sad, the Watcher will notice that and turn your attention to lifting your mood with something other than food.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the book, and a good indication of why I gush about Martha Beck: “Almost all of us assume there's only one way to lose weight: by willpower, by white-knuckle resistance, by forcing the body with an aggressive, adversarial, disciplinarian mind. This can be achieved sometimes, though not often. Maintaining it long-term? I don't think it can be done. I've seen numerous clients deploy incredible discipline, using their Dictator selves to trap, dominate, and starve their Wild Child selves. Losing weight this way is as draining as keeping a violent criminal pinned to the floor with sheer force. But even if you manage to do it, you can't hold your own Wild Child in a hammerlock for the rest of your life. The minute you get tired, distracted or sick, the Dictator loses control, and the Wild Child goes into a feeding frenzy.

"That's the whole reason I wrote this book. Simply going on a diet program, without changing your mental set, causes backlash and weight gain. This is an inevitable reality, based on the way our brains and bodies are designed. But if you use 4-day win techniques to become a Watcher and bring yourself to Thinner Peace, your brain changes, as well as your body. Weight loss happens without backlash or resistance."

Thinner Peace. Count me in. Because it's time for the war to stop.

Forgiveness

I was a guest speaker at a book club the other night – reviewing the best of parenting, relationship and personal growth books – when I was asked, “What about forgiveness?” In response, I talked about the ideas in Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring’s book How Can I Forgive You?, but as I drove home I felt unsatisfied with my response. It wasn't complete enough.

Don't get me wrong. Dr. Spring’s book is terrific, providing a workable framework for moving to forgiveness. It’s practical, it’s pragmatic and it’s well-written. The book was not my problem. I was glad I had mentioned such a useful book.

No, my problem was – no surprise for this "words girl" – the semantics of the word “forgiveness”. What is it? What does it mean? We hear about forgiveness from pulpits and pop culture all the time. Why, it’s a gift we give ourselves! It’s the right thing to do! Forgiving is a sign of our spiritual development and piety!

Forgiveness has become such a ubiquitous word, in fact, that perhaps it’s lost its potency. I bump into someone in a crowded store and I say, “Excuse me.” Am I asking forgiveness for my offense? Many of us say “sorry” almost as often as we say “uhm”. Do we seek forgiveness each time we blurt it out? Teens say, “My bad” and their buds say, “No problem.” Is that a forgiveness exchange?

What does "forgiveness" mean?

As I drove home, pondering, this definition popped into my head:

"Forgiveness is when the hurt you’ve suffered no longer drives your decision-making, nor defines who you are. "

Here's an example: Tom’s wife left him for another man. Tom was devastated. For the first few months, he was among the walking wounded and would tell the story of his betrayal to anyone who’d listen. And some who didn’t want to listen. His mind was filled with thoughts of retribution, retaliation and revenge. Nearly every thought he had, nearly every course of action, was directed by his wife’s affair and their subsequent divorce. And women? Pffffft. Since his wife had betrayed him and she was a woman, then all women were capable of betrayal and should be avoided. Women were not to be trusted. No one was to be trusted.

He was not in a place of forgiveness.

Over time, though, he began to add different activities to his schedule. He got into mountain biking, planned outings with friends and explored his beliefs. He recommitted himself to his work, and got a promotion. He gingerly made friendships, then dates, with women. Gradually, his decisions were based on his life now, not his life then. He no longer needed to tell the story of his wife’s affair to people – because it no longer seemed that relevant. If you asked him, he’d say, “I’m Tom. I’m a 45 year old engineer who likes mountain biking, wine and hanging with friends. Oh, and I’m divorced.”

He had arrived at the place of forgiveness.

That doesn’t mean his wife’s affair had no impact on Tom’s life. It did. Forgiveness didn’t mean Tom pretended he wasn’t hurt. He was. It doesn’t mean it was OK for Tom’s wife to have had an affair. It wasn’t. What happened in his marriage became a part of the accumulated experiences of Tom’s life – just not the key, defining part of his life.

Forgiveness meant that Tom was no longer driven or defined by his hurt.

In many cases, one person hurts another person and they stay in a relationship. The hurt may be big or it may be small. But it’s a hurt and the only way forward is through forgiveness. This mutual forgiveness benefits both parties.

We've seen how a hurt person's path to forgiveness helped him. In an ongoing relationship, forgiveness is a huge relief for the injuring party, too. She knows that she’s not going to “have to pay for this for the rest of my life” since his decisions are not going to be solely based on the hurt ("I'm only doing this because you lied to me twenty-five years ago."). And she knows he's not going to forever define her by having hurt him ("You know I can't trust you because you lied to me that time twenty-five years ago."). But to get to forgiveness she has do her part. She has to acknowledge that he’s been hurt, she has to work to help him recover, and she has to promise not to willfully repeat the injury in the future.

Sometimes the person who needs forgiveness is you. Many people, for instance, carry shame and guilt over a failed marriage, or a lost job, or a blown diet. “If only I had…If only I had been…If only I hadn’t…” is a constant refrain. Yet, this song is an oldie. It has a good beat, and you can dance to it. But it's the same old song and dance. Singing it keeps us firmly in the past. When where we've got to live is in the now.

Forgiving ourselves – acknowledging what happened, how it impacted us then and now – and moving to the point where our perceived shortcomings no longer fuel our decision-making or define who we are, is the key to living in the present. And living happily. This may require therapy to understand how we hurt ourselves in the past and to work through the issues so that we don’t continue to hurt ourselves in the future.

Viktor Frankl, noted psychiatrist and author of the classic Man’s Search for Meaning, founded an innovative school of psychology called “logotherapy”, which holds that if people have meaning and conscience in their lives then they are more apt to be successful. This idea underpins much of modern psychological thought and took mental health into new and productive areas.

Now for the reveal. Frankl developed his theories while imprisoned in Auschwitz. Man’s Search for Meaning details the suffering, deprivation and humiliation the men and women in the camp endured. It was unlike anything most of us have seen. No one should experience such inhumanity.

Although Frankl’s experience in Auschwitz birthed the most significant work of his life, Frankl didn’t appear to define himself by the time in the camp – rather, he defined himself by his work, his life.

He became bigger than what he had suffered.

And that’s the promise of forgiveness. You can become bigger than your hurt. With forgiveness you can leave the wound in the past and be your best self. And you can start right now.