Fear Itself

Every once in a while there's that confluence of stuff that comes together in your life and you see things so much more clearly. It's a perfect storm of change.

And that happened for me this week.

First, I heard that writer Marianne Williamson is hosting a year-long audio class on The Course in Miracles on Oprah.com, so I clicked over and checked it out. This will tell you a lot about me -- the course is designed so that you listen to a daily message, then reflect and do exercises. You are to do one lesson daily. Only one, no more.

Of course, I listened to nine lessons the first day. Then skipped over to lesson 48. Then back to lesson 11. What can I say? I'm curious.

Then, the thoughtful, sensible writer-coach Cheryl Richardson recommended a movie called "You Can Heal Your Life", so I watched that online. The film, based on the work of Louise Hay, explores the power of thoughts. Like the course Marianne Williamson is teaching, the overarching idea is that your thoughts create your reality -- but your thoughts are not always based in what's happening now. They are often reactions to what's happened in the past.

I know all this stuff. See, I do personal development work for a living. All day, everyday, I challenge people to look at things in new ways and to try new things. And every assignment I ever give a client is something I've done myself. So, given all that, I was pretty confident (smug) of my own enlightenment.

At some point as the film rolled, I realized my jaw was hanging open and I hastily grabbed a pencil stub and the back side of someone's homework and began taking notes.

And as my mind exploded, I wrote these questions:

• What do I complain about most?
• When are things uncomfortable for me?
• What do I resent?
• Where is my thinking not helping me?

Great questions, huh? Willing to answer them yourself?

Because when you do, you will see something really important and useful.

The root of most of our unhappy thoughts is fear. Fear that we're not good enough. Fear that we won't have enough. Fear that we'll be abandoned. Fear that we'll literally or figuratively die.

When I looked at where my thinking was not helping me, I laughed out loud. Wanna know why? Next month I'm going on a trip with my kids. A trip which will require bathing suits and shorts. I absolutely convinced myself that due to a period of relative inactivity (hey! I hurt my ankle!) I am so fat that none of last year's summer clothes would possibly fit. In fact, it was likely I'd have to trade those size 10s for, oh, size 18s. If I dieted.

So, yesterday when no one was home but me, I took a deep breath and tried on last year's shorts. Amazingly, they fit. Like a little gopher popping out of her hole, I sat up and took notice. Feeling brave, I pulled the swimsuits out of their hiding place under an old bathrobe. In front of a full length mirror, ladies, I tried them on.

They fit, too.

It was only my thoughts about my body that had created an environment where I felt plain bad about myself. The reality was something much different.

And at the bottom of it was our old friend, fear. Fear of being flabby. Fear of being less than. Fear of not being good enough. Maybe fear of getting older. The sweet spot to explore is this: why was that fear working for me? Because it must have been working on some level, or I wouldn't have held on to it.

When you objectively look at your thoughts and completely understand where they come from, then and only then can you change them into something more inspiring, more embracing, more...true.

Who would you allow yourself to be if you had no fear? A nearly 48 year old woman in a bikini, perhaps? Hey, to paraphrase Franklin Roosevelt, all you have to fear is your thoughts, themselves.

What Is Love?

Nothing like a pop song to get to the heart of the matter. "What Is Love? (Baby Don't Hurt Me!)" may not have been the top of the charts, but it had a good beat and you could dance to it.

Is that what love is, though? Love is just not getting hurt? Certainly that's an implicit understanding in relationships -- but don't we also sing along with the equally catchy pop song with the chorus: "You only hurt the one you love"?

Many of you know that I am a big fan of the work of theologian Henri Nouwen. Recently I was reading his book Reaching Out. In it, Nouwen defines love as creating a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. What a thought! In this context, love is a gift you give with no promise of anything in return. And, no expectation of how a person must change to "win" your love. You remain an individual in a relationship, merely giving space to another individual in the same relationship.

Nouwen's idea becomes very clear to me when I think about the love between a parent and a child. If my job as a loving parent is to make a safe place for my child to be fully herself, then I have to hear her opinions, tolerate both her purple hair and her messy room if that's how my child expresses herself. This week.

In terms of romantic relationships, too, Nouwen's definition has heft. To truly love someone, it's imperative to let them be themselves. Not to ask them to change to meet your particular needs or your etched-in-stone expectations. If you have banked on marrying a guy with a fat wallet, are you really loving when you try to turn a poet into a corporate attorney? Or when you try to make a quiet, shy child into class president? Is that love?

If someone is destructive, reckless, negative or otherwise hurtful, the safest place for you might be to give the person an awful lot of room to be fully himself. Remember, our life's mission is not to change or save someone -- if their choices are destructive to us, we can lovingly step back and give them space.

In the seminal book The Art of Loving, psychologist Erich Fromm suggests that we are motivated by the anxiety caused by our inherent separateness as individualized human beings. Of course, this relates to our relationships with our mothers, as do most psychological theories. But don't get me started on that. And how mothers are systematically eliminated from nearly all Disney films. That's a whole other topic...

Back to the point. If our quest, as Fromm puts it, is to achieve union as a remedy to our anxious feelings of separateness, how do we find love as meaningful as in Nouwen's definition? How do we manage the twin drives toward individuality and separateness?

Sometimes, frankly, we don't manage them too well. For people who have unresolved issues around abandonment, or control, or separation from their parents, or personality disorders, or other blocks, the idea of being separate in an intimate relationship is scary and confusing. They may lack the tools to go within to resolve these problems, so they crave merger to salve their inner wounds. Aided by the popular culture which says, "Two Become One" (wasn't that a Spice Girls song?), some people find it truly difficult to remain an individual in an intimate relationship. Experts say that it's precisely this merger which threatens the health of our most intimate relationships.

So let's reframe what relationships are supposed to be, shall we? Dr. Michael Gurian, who wrote What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works, is an expert on brain biology. Bottom line: men's brains and women's brains are constructed differently so we act differently. It may not be that the man hogs the remote because he's a self-centered jerk -- he may just be wired to be territorial. Women aren't weak and silly just because they like talking about stuff -- it may be just that she feels bonded when she does so.

If I make a safe place for you to be a guy, and you make a safe place for me to be a gal, what have we got? Dr. Gurian's theory of "Intimate Separateness" holds that there is a natural ebb and flow between the male brain's need for independence and the female brain's need for closeness. Merely understanding this nature-based fact can allow couples the freedom to be individuals and to move naturally between the two states -- distance and closeness -- without either being "right" or "wrong". This helps couples move away from destructive expectations of merger which can't be met anywhere except on the silver screen.

To love is to give. To love is to give a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. With no thought to what you're getting in return. It's a gift. It's so much more than romance. It's bigger than a crush. Yet, it's simply a gift. A gift that enlarges the lives of both the lover and the loved.

The $23 Billion Monkey

I was watching a hockey game the other day when I overhead a little girl ask her mother, "What happens if nobody wins?" And with a shrug, the mother answered, "Somebody always wins, honey." Which got me thinking.

A la Jerry Seinfeld, what's the deal with winning? There's always got to be a winner, whether in sports, politics -- even merging into traffic. Why does winning hold so much power for human beings? Especially humans of the dude variety. Ever notice that interest in professional sports rose as the opportunities for men to go to war decreased? I'm just sayin'...

Winning is held in such esteem that a tie, where there is no clear victor, leads to "sudden death." As in, the battlefield death of the vanquished. Would it be different if we called the tie-breaking overtime outcome "sudden victory"? Feels much less satisfying, no?

Earlier in the week I spoke with a man who is considering starting his own business in an industry he knows extremely well. We discussed the competitive landscape and he noted that the industry leader is known for cut-throat tactics and a lack of integrity. "I don't want my company to be like that," he said. "But, can I be successful if I'm not number one?"

Author and tech marketing guru Geoffrey Moore says you can, if you're smart. He says there are three different kinds of players in a competitive market: Gorillas, Chimps and Monkeys.

Gorillas are the segment leaders, whose products become the industry standard. Think Coca-Cola. Chimps are the challengers -- think Pepsi. And Monkeys are the guys who follow along in the market, aping the Gorillas and Chimps, often positioning themselves as unique or offering excellent customer service to get business. Think Cadbury-Schweppes.

In business as in sports, we think we have to be a Gorilla to be successful. But monkeys can make great businesses. Sure, Coke's market cap is nearly $137 billion, but Schweppes? There are plenty of bubbles in ginger ale, friends -- $23 BILLION worth of bubbles.

And you can't tell me that ain't a successful business.

"Winning's not everything, it's the only thing," said legendary coach Vince Lombardi. Uh huh. Guess it depends on how you define winning. Because being Number Three, the $23 billion dollar Monkey, can be extremely satisfying. Considering the energy needed to maintain Gorilla status, being a Monkey -- doing what you love and doing it well, sounds pretty appealing.

Pressuring yourself to always be the winner can lead to incredible stress. And, as the New England Patriots proved, nobody wins all the time. Some of the best learning I ever had, in fact, was working on a losing Presidential campaign. Sure, winning would have been great -- but I learned how to handle defeat somewhat gracefully. I learned about what works, and what doesn't, in campaigns. I learned about loyalty, and friendship. I learned just how far I can be pushed, physically, emotionally and mentally. I learned about what's really important.

Which is worth the market capitalization of Coca-Cola to me.

The next time you find yourself driving yourself (or your kids, or your work group, or your spouse) to be the Gorilla, ask yourself this: Is winning worth being completely stressed out? What's to be learned from doing my absolute best, even if I'm not the Gorilla? Can I be content with being a very successful, centered, happy Monkey?

I say: pass the bananas, baby, 'cuz the world needs more happy monkeys.

Saying Goodbye

It's hard to say goodbye. As Shakespeare so aptly put it, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." And in this life there is much to be parted from, often with much grief.

One man becomes suddenly, critically ill and must part with the idea of his youth and vigor.

One young mother loses her own mother, and must part with the idea of herself as someone's beloved child.

One man parts with his wedding ring after his wife's death, and lets go of the idea of himself as someone's husband.

One woman parts with her home and possessions and adjusts to the idea that she won't live independently for the rest of her life.

I've written about crisis and how it can change lives. Crisis forces a redefinition of who we are, and what's important to us. Altering those fundamental views about ourselves is, no surprise, life changing.

Catalytic crisis requires us to move from the cocoon of "known-self" to "unknown-self". Embracing the unknown is not something many of us handle particularly well... so, in the alternative, we cling fearfully, ferociously to our known-self.

Known-self may have worked for years. We're comfortable with all the rules in known-self -- and we can anticipate with confidence how we and others will act. Even if we know we're unhappy in our known-self, at least we know what to expect! Who wants to upset the apple cart? But when clinging to known-self feels like pain, you will change it. Sometimes it seems it takes a crisis to show us just how ill-fitting known-self has become.

The prospect of unknown-self is murky, and for those with control issues, it's precisely the unknowing that's so hard. Parting with a definition that really doesn't work should be, on its face, easy to do. However, parting with the known in favor of the unknown -- that seems scary. It's like emerging from the cocoon we've constructed as a worm and learning to live as a butterfly. None of the old rules seem to apply.

So, in those moments, remember: "parting is such sweet sorrow."

When you say goodbye to something old that no longer fits, you open space for something new. It's the opportunity for "new-self". Which could be something nicer, better, happier. Could be something that helps you live more fully. Could be something sweet.

Be open to the opportunity for change that life brings. Welcome it. Because it's your chance to flap your butterfly wings... and fly.

Life Is An Experiment

It has been brought to my attention that "deciding" is a subject that needs discussion. Deciding -- making a choice or a judgment about something -- can carry such overwhelming heavy freight that it seems so much easier to decide...not to decide.

Not doing anything, though, can prolong pain, suffering and unhappiness. In not deciding, friends, you stay firmly stuck.

So how do you make good decisions?

First, allow yourself this idea: Life Is An Experiment. When you're stuck, viewing yourself as a scientist who applies the scientific method to her hypotheses can give you a little room in which to move.

In the scientific method, you first make an observation and generate a hypothesis about what you observe. Then you come up with a predictable, rigorous way to challenge the hypothesis and you test it. If the data you collect in the test doesn't support the original hypothesis, you get to change your underlying thought -- and maybe move out of stuck.

Here's an example: A 14 year old guy at his first high school dance has this tightly held belief that no girl would possibly dance with him. He's never actually asked anyone to dance, mind you, but jumped right to a hypothesis, based on narrow observations of himself as a guy who is a little too skinny, or too fat, or too pimply, or too dorky. He thinks he's not quite right in so many ways, so he assumes all girls share his observations (many of us make this leap, so let's not be too hard on the lad).

Now, to test the hypothesis that no girl will dance with him: what can he do?

Why, he can ask a girl to dance.

My simple guideline is to test the hypothesis three times. So our young man needs to ask three girls to dance.

In his mind, as a scientist, he's not opening himself to three bouts of rejection. No, sirree. He's merely collecting three data points. Doesn't that feel easier?

If one girl says "yes", and one girl says "no", then his results are inconclusive. It's when he asks the third girl that his hypothesis is either proved or disproved.

But either way, look at what happened: he actually asked someone to dance. Regardless of whether Girl #3 dances or sits like a lump on a folding chair in the corner, our young man has actually put himself out there and done something he previously considered impossible. Just one girl saying "yes" tells him what's possible.

When you face an obstacle in your own life and your hypothesis is something like "this will never work", try the scientific method. Observe. Make a hypothesis. Construct a challenging test of your theory. Test it. Look at the results and change your theory if you need to.

When you view life as an experiment in which you simply collect data points, there is very little that needs to be perfect. You are just conducting tests that provide you with information you need to go forward.

Think of the hypotheses that may govern your life: "I can't lose weight", or "No one would hire me", or "I'm too old to find a new job", "I can't tell my mother how I really feel" -- and apply the scientific method.

Perhaps in the testing of your hypothesis you will find that the data don't truly support your thinking. It's simply your thinking that needs to change.

And then you'll be unstuck.

Procrastinate...Later

People certainly beat themselves up for procrastinating. Well, when they get around to it, they beat themselves up.

But what if procrastinating wasn't that bad? Just think: what if procrastination could actually be good for you?

Example One: You procrastinate about buying that house you toured with your spouse. And three months later, the price has dropped significantly so you buy it at a great savings.

Example Two: You procrastinate about writing that report the boss talked about. And the day before it's due, information comes out that changes the entire strategy -- making your report irrelevant.

Example Three: You procrastinate about having that difficult conversation with your co-worker, only to have her come in and apologize -- and accept responsibility for her actions.

Sure, you could come up with plenty of examples where procrastination can hurt you, like ignoring those stabbing sharp pains on your lower right side ("It's probably just gas, not appendicitis") and ending up with emergency surgery. Granted.

But when you take a look at why you're procrastinating, you can determine whether it's the right thing to do or not.

When you evaluate The Why, you need to consider how you feel about the decision or task at hand. So, sit with it for a minute. How would it feel to own that house? Scary? Too expensive? Is that why you're procrastinating? In this case, procrastination is sending you information -- this house is overpriced. Yay, procrastination!

Sometimes procrastination is a sign that we really don't want to do something. This happens when someone else forces their will on you -- remember when your mother ordered you to clean your room, even though it looked fine to you? When you feel you have no control, you might procrastinate in a slightly passive-aggressive way ("I don't wanna, and I'm not gonna") until you provoke a fight that unleashes all your fury and anger. Cue the slamming door portion of the program.

But you might also procrastinate because you need time to collect your thoughts and make your plans. Planning People may appear to be "last-minute" when they've really been working out the problem in their head for some time. This is the way I write, as a matter of fact. I compose in my noggin all week, then sit down to write in one fell swoop.

Seems to work.

One other reason folks can procrastinate is possibly the most difficult to be aware of -- they procrastinate so they can get out of their own way. These are our friends The Perfectionists.

Perfectionists can't help themselves. They add, or take away, or refine, or fiddle, or tweak. The more time they have, the more they tinker. I once saw a time-elapse film of Picasso creating a painting. There was a point at which he could have stopped and had a masterpiece. But he kept on fiddling and adding. And ended up with a ruined canvas.

When perfectionists learn to get out of their own way by giving themselves less time, rather than more time, they can deliver a more perfect product. Then they have to deal with what might have been if they really had enough time to do it right.

But that's a different column.

Procrastinating might be central to the way you function in the world, and, if that's so, then embrace it. Use it for good. If procrastinating hurts you, or keeps you from fully enjoying your life, then you might spend more time examining exactly why you keep putting things off. Because once you understand that, you understand yourself. Which is central to living a happy life.

The Caregiver's Blues

A nasty virus attacked Chez Woodward this week. It was that pounding-head-upset-stomach-sore-throat-low-fever-body-achy- intestinal-distress kind of virus. The kind of virus where the sufferers lay on the couch under three quilts and moan. Or whine. Or that unique combination of both -- whoaning.

Yep, everybody got it.

Except me.

Which meant I became the Step And Fetch It Girl. The nurse. I tell you, I was freakin' Florence Nightingale. And by mid-day Day Three, Flo was mightily ticked off. And exhausted. And way behind in work. And slightly niggled with guilt, feeling like I hadn't done enough by my sick kids.

This is the predicament caregivers find themselves in. And I felt this way after just three days -- I can only imagine what it feels like to care for an ill loved one for months, or years.

The National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP surveyed caregivers and found some interesting statistics:

• The typical caregiver is a 46-year-old Baby Boomer woman with some college education who works and spends more than 20 hours per week caring for her mother who lives nearby;
• The average length of caregiving is 4.3 years;
• Almost 60% of all caregivers either work or have worked while providing care; and,
• 62 percent have had to make adjustments to their work life, such as reporting late to work or giving up work entirely

The burden on a long-term caregiver can be so difficult to manage. Caregivers often feel anger, guilt, anxiety, exhaustion, an inability to concentrate and depression. These feelings mount, bringing on more unhappiness -- "How can I be so selfish to think of myself when she's so sick?" It's a spiral downward.

But taking care of yourself will allow you to take better care of your loved one. If you find yourself burned out from caring for someone else, here are a few things you can do:

• Manage your stress by taking brief breaks for yourself. Take a walk. Read a magazine. Talk with a friend on the phone. Even 15 minutes can be refreshing -- and help you recharge your batteries.
• Build a support group for yourself. Talk with other caregivers -- share your experiences and learn from theirs.
  
• Share the load. Find people to give you "respite care" -- who can come in for an hour or two to allow you to take some time to attend to other things you may have put off to care for your loved one. Giving other people a chance to show they love and care the ill person can be a great gift for everyone involved. You're only in this alone if you allow yourself to be.
  
• Acknowledge to yourself that what you are doing is hard, and give yourself credit for doing the best you can. It's tough to accept that you might not be able to "fix" the situation, because we all can go to the place where we're superhuman and "should be able to make this work" -- but sometimes... we can't. And acknowledging that is a step towards maintaining your own balance.
• Understand what you can control. You might not be able to control a disease, but you can control the information you need to understand the disease and its treatment. You cannot control the ill person's mood or energy level. You can control your own approach.
  

Caregiving is perhaps the hardest task we can do for each other. It requires patience, endurance, stamina, and lots and lots of love. But, at its essence, taking care of another requires that you take care of yourself. Only then can you provide those you love with the loving care they need.

When To Quit

Every once in a while I have one of those weeks where it seems that every client is talking about the same thing. When that happens, I figure I'm getting some big old honking message.

And I have to write about it.

This week, the ubiqui-topic was "When do I quit?" And there seems to be variety in what it is people want to quit -- quit smoking, quit a job, quit a relationship, quit worrying.

But how do you know it's time? How can you be sure you're clear, and leaving for the right reasons? What are the right reasons, anyway?

It's time to quit when the person you are becoming is someone you don't like. When you're in a job, and as a condition of employment you are expected to fudge facts, shift numbers and lie to customers, you become a person who fudges, shifts and lies. Is that who you want to be?

A relationship that asks you to set aside your own personal goals, your own friends, your own hobbies -- that asks you to nag, or to make excuses for another person, or to change your beliefs -- who are you in that kind of relationship? You're a person with no rudder. You're a person with no self. Is that who you want to be?

It's time to quit when you find that you love having the problem more than the problem loves you. If you find yourself talking about the problem all the time, stewing and fretting, worrying about it, analyzing it, turning the problem over and over in your head -- is that who you want to be? Is that how you want to use your energy?

There's an underlying ubiqui-thought we need to address, friends, and it's: "I should be able to make this work."

Maybe you could make it work. If you were King of The Forest and could control all the elements. So, let me ask you -- do you control your boss? Can you stop him from giving you an ASAP assignment -- at 5pm on New Year's Eve? Can you stop him from lobbing f-bombs at you? Can you stop her from excluding you from important meetings, or distribution of key memos?

Can you make your boyfriend sober? Can you single-handedly restore your spouse to mental health? Is it possible to string together the perfect set of words that will make your boss sit up and say, "By golly, you're absolutely right! I'm a jerk! I am going to change 30 years of my behavior just because of what you said!"

Ah, folks can dream. But we know the truth: you only control yourself, and you only change yourself. "Making this work" often means adapting yourself to something that's unhealthy.

And you become, over time, someone you don't want to be.

"Yes, but..." is another tactic we use to stay stuck in an unhealthy situation. "Yes, but... when he leaves his wife, stops drinking, goes to counseling and gets a job, everything will be perfect." OK. But for now, he's with his wife, drinking, avoiding counseling and unemployed. That's what's real. The "Yes, but..." you're waiting for might never happen.

And who are you becoming while you wait?

You and only you have the opportunity, and the right, to live the life you are meant to live. Quitting that which is unhealthy for you and moving toward that which is healthy can be really, really hard. But it's the only way you become someone you really, really like.

Ya Gotta Wanna

Considering making some changes here at the end of one year and the start of a brand spanking new one? Gonna lose weight? Stick to your budget? Change jobs? Travel to Bali? Find yourself that elusive soul mate?

Sure every year you make resolutions; but this year, by golly, you're really gonna do it.

Well, all I'm gonna say is, "Ya gotta wanna."

How many times have you found yourself in late December writing down the New Year's Resolution to Get Into Better Shape, and by February you find yourself couch potato sluggish -- not going to the gym you paid for, or even using those getting-dusty weights in the back of the closet?

My guess? You didn't really wanna get into shape.

Because if you did really wanna, you woulda.

The sneaky sabotage comes into play when we say one thing yet do another. We say we want to pay off our credit card debt yet we continually splurge on something we "deserve", or that makes us "feel better". Result? We end the year with two additional credit cards, and everything maxed out.

And we feel like a failure.

Which is, of course, why we didn't pay off the credit card in the first place.

When you feel like a failure, you create opportunities to remind yourself that you are, indeed, a failure. What does a failure do? Why, fail! So, you fail to pay your bills on time -- and the nastygrams from your creditors reinforce your idea about yourself... that you're a loser. You fail to eat healthy food and moderately exercise, and what happens? Why, you gain weight, lose muscle tone and feel... bleah. But isn't that how a failure is supposed to feel?

To turn this around, there is only one thing you can do. And you gotta wanna. You gotta wanna move from failure to success. Really, really wanna. Ready?

Take out a piece of paper. Oh, and a pen. Or pencil. Or fat crayon. Something handy. OK. List the following categories and leave enough space between them to write four or five things under each. The categories are: Career; Money; Health; Physical Environment (your living conditions); Family/Friends; Significant Other/Romance; Personal Growth (continuing education, spiritual growth, etc.); and, Fun & Recreation.

Focus on what you did, rather than what you didn't. That's a switch, huh?

When you're finished, look at your list of accomplishments for the year. Any patterns? Anything interesting? What's that tell you about your year?

This was a tough year for a client of mine, Susan. A year ago, she lost her senior executive position due to an industry shake-up. Then both parents got ill, and she became their legal custodian. She arranged for their care, took responsibility for finances, coordinated with the extended family. A full-time job -- while she was looking for a full-time job. In the last three months, her father died and her sister unexpectedly died -- and her mother remains ill.

But.

In the last year, she rekindled friendships. She moved to her dream city. She put lovely things into her new home. She made smart financial decisions. She exercised. She traveled. She continued to expand her professional network. She sought support when she needed it. She took care of herself.

Although Susan might say, "2007 was a lost year", her list would indicate that she actually made some important steps. Sure, she did what she had to. But the things she really, really wanted to do? She got those done, too.

When you shift your thoughts from "look at what a mess I am" to "look at what I've done", you shift your perspective from perpetual loser to resilient achiever. Even if your achievements are small, they are still yours.

"Michele", you say."What's the point? I only made accomplishments in areas that really don't matter. I still don't have (a partner, a great job, a million dollars)." I, in my most wise Yoda-like way will ask, "Why are you afraid of leaving Loserville and moving into Successville? What's keeping you from claiming all of your power and accomplishments? What benefit do you get from believing that what you do doesn't matter?"

Getting rid of your negative beliefs about yourself is the key to making progress on any New Year's resolutions you may make. Shifting from a sense of limitation and lack to an awareness of opportunities and abundance completely changes your life. Things become more effortless, you become happier. Believe me, it can be done and you can get there.

But ya really gotta wanna.

When Life Meets The Fairy Tale

At this time of the year there are so many expectations. It's as if we've bought into a collective fairy tale, and it goes something like this:

It's Christmas morning. A large, happy, healthy, attractive, educated, polite, loving family gathers in tasteful bathrobes and slippers under a tastefully decorated tree in a tastefully decorated, expansive home. Beautiful little children are appropriately excited, and the well-behaved, well-groomed dog lazes nearby. A fire crackles in the hearth.

Let's put you in the scene, now. Your handsome, loving spouse sits with you on the couch, your head on his shoulder, his arm around you. He pulls out the most beautifully wrapped box. You open it, eyes wide. It's perfect. You kiss passionately. Your attractive and healthy parents link arms and smile in appreciation for such a wonderful son-in-law. His equally attractive and healthy parents beam smiles in their heroic son's direction.

And everyone lives happily ever after, having had The Perfect Christmas.

Nice story, huh? But real life often fails to match up to this fairy tale, and we feel somehow cheated, disappointed, less than, or maybe even mad.

Because real life can be messy.

Maybe this is the first Christmas you've had to plan, organize and shop for -- because your wife will be in Baghdad this year.

Maybe this year you won't get a gift from your spouse -- because his Alzheimer's has robbed him of the ability to think of you as anything but that nice woman who visits him every day.

Maybe this year you'll be alone on Christmas morning, because it's your ex-spouse's turn to have the kids.

Maybe there won't be a perfect present under the tree because there's not enough money for the tree, let alone gifts.

Maybe you'll be missing your mother, who passed away in the spring. Maybe you're, once again, the only single person in the room on Christmas morning. Maybe you're in the middle of chemotherapy this Christmas.

There are plenty of ways your life is different from the fairy tale, huh? No wonder so many of us are snappish, moody and melancholy.

Because our lives don't match the fairy tale.

And that, my friends, is OK.

Because if your wife is in Baghdad this Christmas, you can still give your kids the best Christmas you know how to. And your spouse with Alzheimer's? His gentle wonder that such a nice lady is there with him is a precious gift. And when your kids spend Christmas morning with your ex-spouse, you are telling your kids that their own relationship with their dad is important -- can you be more loving than that?

In all of our real lives, there are great challenges -- and great gifts. When you feel angry or depressed or unhappy that your real life doesn't measure up to the manufactured, unreal fairy tale -- take heart. Just accept your own, unique life -- messy, loud, fractured, silly, disorganized, untasteful. Because it's all yours. And it's perfect, just the way it is.

Honestly, would you have it any other way?

So, love it because it's yours. Love it because it's very real. Love it because love is what Christmas is all about.

I Am, I Said

It's nice to have friends. It's especially nice to have friends like Lauri and Anne -- the kind of friends who drop by for tea and bring great ideas. Oh, and cookies. We cannot overlook the importance of cookies.

We sat the other day, sipping, munching thoughtfully, until Anne piped up with: "OK, so we were talking about something in the car on the way over and wanted to hear what you think."

I was actually thinking that the cookies were really good. But I'm often able to stretch my brain just a bit. "Uhmrrgh," I responded, through cookie crumbles, which means, "Bring it on."

"Ever notice how often we say 'I'm not' and how infrequently we say 'I am'?" Anne asked.

I was struck speechless by the simplicity of Anne's point.

Boy, we spend so much time thinking about what we're not.

Coming from "I'm not" is coming from a lack, or a deficit. "I'm not" means not enough -- not tall enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not rich enough, not smart enough, not anything enough.

"I'm not" keeps us in a continual state of stress, feeling like we haven't/can't/won't get it all done. And we won't. Because we're not enough.

But if we could shift all those "I'm nots" to "I ams"... think of the difference. Owning your own strengths. Standing in your own power. Relying on what you've got, rather than what you haven't.

"I am"... good at taking care of my aging parents. "I am" ... a good mentor. "I am" ... a good friend. "I am" ... alive.

Recently I taught a teleclass to a group of students and heard myself saying, "I'm pretty good at networking." And I caught myself, internally, doing a self-check: was I bragging? Didn't Mama say, "Don't get too big for your britches. You're no better than anyone else?"

She sure did. But it didn't feel like bragging. It felt like truth. And, guess what? It is.

Make a list of your "I ams". Own your "I ams". Treasure them. They're your truths. They're what makes you, you.

And every time you find yourself stuck in "I'm not", turn it around and say a quick "I am". Such as, "OK, I'm not a 25 year old supermodel with more money than sense and no responsibilities, but I am..."

Go ahead -- fill in your own blank.

Internal Stress

A hundred years ago, society frowned upon those who were left-handed. In fact, the bias against lefties goes back quite a while. The Latin word referring to the left hand, sinister, means evil, while the word referring to the right hand, dexter, means correct. A hundred years ago schools "broke" lefties and turned them into righties. It's estimated that seven to ten percent of the population is left-handed, so plenty of people were just plain wrong, perhaps even evil, in society's eyes.

Imagine the internal stress for a young boy in those days who yearned to do the most natural thing in the world -- to pick up a pencil and draw with his left hand. But he knew he shouldn't. It was wrong. It's not what everyone expected. He'd be shamed if he used the wrong hand. But he already lived every day with the shame of his innate preference for the "wrong" hand.

Do you struggle with similar internal stress? Plenty of us do. It's being introverted in a family of extroverts. It's being extroverted in a family that expects silence. It's being a gentle soul in a workplace that expects you to be a shark. It's being a shark living in a monastery. It's wanting to live in the woods and paint when you're expected to live in a gated community and be a lawyer. It's wanting to live in a gated community and be a lawyer when everyone in your world values painters who live like Thoreau.

A few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to be at the Smithsonian when they brought out the rare Stradivari, and had virtuoso musicians play them. The sound that came from those ancient instruments! The skill with which they were played!

It seems that every instrument has one note it resonates to -- the note that is true and clear. When this note is played, the instrument transcends itself and the musician and creates a wholly new, marvelous thing. Singers, too, have this kind of resonate note. It's the note you sing when someone says, "Sing." It may be sharp or flat, high or low -- but it's your natural note. And when you sing it, your soul thrums.

Internal stress comes from having to sing another person's resonant note. You live in constant contradiction with your essential, true self. No thrum. Ever.

If you don't know your own internal resonant note, don't fear. You can find it. You may have repressed it in order to fit in, or, like our left-handed friend, to avoid shame -- but, believe me, it's still there inside you. How to find it?

Start by daring to live as your essential self. Be introverted if that's the way you were born. Be loud if that's how you really are. Be a goofball. Be serious. Be sentimental, be generous, be a hopeless romantic -- be whatever you are when you're truly, authentically your best self.

When you stop fighting your innate yearning, and just pick up that pencil in your left hand regardless of what people say -- you will have found your creative, true self.

To defeat your internal stress, all you have to do is dare to sing your own note.

Whelmed

The other day a woman reported that she was feeling overwhelmed -- she was trying to do so much that she felt she wasn't doing anything well. Was multi-tasking the answer, she asked?

No, I answered, multi-tasking doesn't really work. Try mono-tasking instead. Do one thing at a time. Do it thoroughly and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. Mono-tasking.

When you're multi-tasking -- trying to do two or three things simultaneously -- you end up doing none of them well. Your stress level goes through the roof.

Face it, there's just one you. You have the wondrous ability to give 100% of your attention to something. Multi-tasking asks you to divide your attention, and you end up with less than 100% on each task -- and this is where errors occur... you end up spending more time fixing the resulting problems than you would if you gave the task all of your attention at the start.

Reading a memo while on a conference call when researching data and preparing a Power Point -- you're not truly engaged in any of these tasks and probably won't have a great result. How much better to be truly present for the one minute it takes to read the memo, then participate fully in the conference call and make time later to do thorough, comprehensive research before you design the Power Point. That seems doable, manageable and calm, doesn't it?

The opposite of overwhelmed, of course, is underwhelmed. Underwhelmed is what teachers generally feel about the work product of boys in their first year of high school. Wives are often underwhelmed by the anniversary gifts their husbands proffer -- word to the wise: just because Hallmark says it's the Paper Anniversary doesn't mean paper towels are an appropriate gift. Hallmark is referring to the wrapping paper around the gift. Honey, every anniversary is the jewelry anniversary. That's all you need to remember.

Underwhelm is often about our expectations of what others should be doing. And you know I have a deep dislike of the word 'should'. In my life, I simply replace 'should' with 'choose' and feel so much happier. Rather than saying, "Charlie shouldn't have shopped at 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve for my gift", you can get to a level of acceptance when you realize Charlie chose to give you that box of frozen burritos -- and you can ask him about that choice.

(By the way, Charlie, see above reference to The Jewelry Rule for Anniversaries. Same rule applies to Christmas. You're welcome.)

Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. It occurred to me this week that no one ever says, "I feel whelmed." We're always over or under.

Wouldn't it be lovely to answer the question, "How you doing today?" with "I'm whelmed, thank you very much! And you?"

Whelmed -- the point at which you are neither over nor under. You are not fruitlessly multi-tasking. You are balanced. You are paying appropriate attention and spending appropriate time on your tasks.

You are whelmed.

As the holidays approach with their attendant stressful opportunities for overwhelming tasks and underwhelming performance by others -- reduce your stress by choosing to be whelmed. Whelmed one task at a time.

The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists

Ever had a relationship with Dr. Jekyll? Or was that Mr. Hyde? Whether it's your boss, your brother or your spouse, if you think you could be dealing with a narcissist you need to read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Familyby Eleanor Payson. Ellie was kind enough to answer some questions for me -- hopefully, you'll have an "Aha!" moment and know what to do:

How do you define narcissism to someone when they ask you “Hey, Ellie, I heard you wrote a book? What’s it about?"

When people use the word narcissist, or narcissistic in the informal context he/she may simply be referring to someone who is behaving selfishly or is self-absorbed in a given circumstance. On the other hand, in a more pathological sense narcissism references a pervasive preoccupation with self that is out of balance with a healthy give and take in his/her relationships. I should qualify here that this is particularly true of those inner circle relationships such as a significant other, close friends, or family members. In essence pathological degrees of narcissism reflect a disturbance that distorts a person’s relationship between “self and other.” The narcissistic individual is someone who has an undeveloped self, an immature “I,” and is compensating by striving to prop up a grandiose “me” (the false self of the narcissist.) In other words, his/her preoccupation with maintaining a grandiose me distorts and overrides an ability to give genuine consideration and regard for other(s).

When we think of the resources that are called narcissistic supplies we can begin to get a handle on what this means. Narcissistic supplies are those exchanges between people that foster the well being of each person in a relationship - well being that comes from knowing that we are individuals of value, special and important just because we breathe, just because we exist. A person with a healthy self is able to exchange an unconditional regard (verbally and nonverbally) in his/her relationships. This presence of unconditional regard may be seen in the admiring gleam in our eyes, a spoken appreciation, an effortful listening that seeks to understand and empathize, a willingness to hold ourselves accountable for injuries we may have caused, and so on. Someone who is narcissistically defended inevitably requires many more “strokes” of affirmation, recognition, efforts at understanding, support, etc., than they are able to give. In fact, there is a kind of obliviousness to the recognition of these exchanges in the unconditional sense. This is because the narcissistic individual is externally focused on conditional realities for maintaining the grandiose me such as; how much power and status one has, how beautiful or handsome one is, how effective in his/her career one is, etc. These external realities become the source of pseudo affirmation, and the narcissist is inevitably desperately attached to the maintenance of these external realities for self-worth. The individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can barely acknowledge what is meant by unconditional regard of self and other. Consequently, the narcissist requires an endless supply of affirmation to keep his/her false, or substitute self, intact. Ironically, the narcissist is unable to make use of unconditional affirmation as true nourishment and similarly unable to give it.

How does a narcissist tip his hand? How do you know he's a narcissist and not just a jerk?

Often the slang expressions of “jerk,” and perhaps more colorful terms, do seem to be the layperson’s language for describing narcissistic traits in a person. However, once we have “vented our spleen” we may want to take a deeper look at the person and our relationship so that we can act wisely and at times with the imperative for self-preservation. We may discover that there is more healthy substance to the person than we thought, or perhaps the opposite. The surface presentation of a person can appear to have any quality – from “jerk” to “charmer” to “sophisticate, intellectual, drama queen/king, officious professional,” etc. It is what exists under the surface (or perhaps more to the point - what does not exist under the surface) that we want to recognize. Developing discernment in taking the full measure of a person and the full measure of ourselves is what we must learn if we want to have more fulfilling and mature relationships. The misleading facade of individuals with personality disorders is the danger to be on the lookout for, and we can be tantalizingly tempted to forego the effortful discovery process. If we miss the presence of a deeper disturbance such as the narcissistic personality disorder in a person, we may end up struggling for our very psychological, financial, or even physical survival.

A few of the clues that I cite in my book are:
Excessively:
- Requires attention, admiration, special consideration, recognition
- Demonstrates a grandiose sense of entitlement
- Manipulates and pursues his/her agenda (often relentlessly, tenaciously)
- Criticizes self and others
- Holds unrealistic expectations of self and others, alongside an over-estimation of self and his/her needs
- Demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life -- win/lose

Limited ability to:
- Fulfill mutually held “understandings.” Agreements seem to morph over time with creative "revisionist" ability
- Self-reflect and take ownership of a problem
- Tolerate anything perceived as criticism, or oversight
- Feel genuine or deep empathy for others
- Recognize the needs of others (except superficially)
- Recognize others as independent agents (separate selves)

These deeper limitations and disturbing defenses are inevitably camouflaged by the façade of some impressive or competent surface presentation mentioned earlier. The greatest danger here is that the outer demeanor often has a powerful aura of seduction emanating from a personality that projects the promise of larger than life charm, power, competence, originality, etc. The potency of this seduction is often so captivating that we can be induced into a kind of suspension of belief where our critical faculties for noticing distortions and inconsistencies are switched off. This is the crossroads, so to speak, of our own codependent tendencies that are necessary to heal if we really expect to steer clear of these dangerous relationships, or navigate them safely.


So, is narcissism treatable with therapy or drugs?

As far as the neurobiological issues that are involved, this is in many ways unchartered territory. However, I am always skeptical of individuals or approaches that lay claim to having all the answers from either the neurobiological side or the psychological side. In truth, we are a complex mix of both. Many individuals with a mental illness or a mental disorder will have what are called co-morbid issues, such as depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, that are in need of evaluation and treatment. Once we achieve relief from one or more of these conditions (sometimes through effective psychotropic medications) we stand a much better chance to develop a more effective self-observing ego that can allow greater possibilities for growth and change. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder almost without doubt have any number of co- morbid issues that once treated would allow him/her to function more appropriately.

What should someone who’s in a relationship with a narcissist do?

The first thing to do is reach out and get help and not stop until you feel that you have found someone who can validate and understand what you are going through. If the therapist is overly anxious and quick to dismiss the possibility that you are involved with someone with severe narcissism or perhaps full blown NPD then move on until you find a therapist who can appreciate the illusive nature of recognizing the realities of the problem. Then, second, commit to therapy to deal with your own issues (codependency, or a mix of narcissistic and codependency issues, etc.) and stay in the healing process as you utilize all the normal tools of therapy including books that can help with insight and empowerment. In therapy we need to be willing to work through our own blind spots, our shadow self as Carl Jung would call it. This is the only way out of our tendency to idealize which is often unconscious and compulsive. If there is any way of finding a support group or forming one, this is another invaluable tool.

Learning some immediate tools for asserting boundaries to create safety in these relationships is a must, and for this I believe, Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine is a must read. Since my book came out, I discovered books that I wish I had listed in my bibliography such as The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, and other books that have been published recently. Amazon.com offers excellent reviews for selecting these. On the home stretch of the healing process, coaching can be an invaluable tool for maintaining self-care and goals that lead to empowerment. Working with a coach like yourself, Michele, who is familiar with the depth of the issues and the importance for ongoing healing work is a true bonus.

Thanks for the plug, Ellie. To find out more about Eleanor Payson and her work, go to www.eleanorpayson.com

Doing Enough?

Raise your hand if you feel like you're not doing enough.

Accomplishments? Nothing major. Rewards? Few. Performance? Not as good as it could be. What still needs to be done? Everything.

If this sounds familiar, then you probably were on the phone with me this week, or buttonholed me at that party Friday night.

It seems so many people look at themselves with utter disappointment. What they do doesn't matter, and if it does matter then talking about it is bragging so... let's not talk about it. No time to rest. No time to reflect. More stuff to do. Got to keep moving.

The problem with this mindset is pretty clear. Thinking this way ratchets your stress level up to 11 on a 10 point scale, and never allows you the satisfaction of a job well done. When there's no satisfaction in what you're doing, there's no way to like what you're doing.

A man has a performance review at work. His supervisor and peers consistently rate his work at 4s and 5s, on a 5 point scale. He, however, rates himself at a 1 or a 2 on all categories. He's mystified at how his co-workers can rate him so high -- he doesn't believe them. Don't they know he's a failure? He could be doing so much more.

A woman feels she's disappointing her husband because she's not a gourmet cook, and her housekeeping skills are not so hot, especially with the baby in the picture and given her full-time job. She spends a lot of time apologizing. He says there's nothing to apologize about -- he loves the food she cooks and thinks she's a wonderful mother. She doesn't believe him. Doesn't he know she's a failure? She could be doing so much more.

Her husband feels he's disappointing her because he's not making as much money as her brother, and he's not as good with a power tool as most men. She tells him she's proud of his work and that power tools aren't that important, that she loves him and he's a good father. He doesn't believe her. Doesn't she know he's a failure? He could be doing so much more.

So whaddya gonna do? Well, let me suggest two things.

First, ask yourself: What will success look like? Put yourself in the successful mindset. What's your life like then? Make a list of all the elements that compose your successful life.

Now, look at your list. How realistic is it? How much is under your direct control? If success looks like taking time to write -- you can do that. If success looks like everyone obeying your commands with no argument -- you can't do that, sadly, even if you became a dictator. Dictators often die horribly messy deaths in their attempts to squash the thoughts and behaviors of others -- and who wants that?

Understand where your unrealistic definitions of success come from ("I want people to obey me because I hate arguments") and, instead of banging your head against the wall, learn some techniques to disagree effectively. You can start with the book Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny et al.

Second, take a few minutes to look at what you've really accomplished. At this time of year, I always sit down and write out 20 Things I Have Accomplished This Year. They can be ordinary things like: got the trash to the curb every week. Think that doesn't matter? Hey, what's the alternative? A huge pile of smelly trash spilling out all over your yard? Believe me, getting the trash to the curb matters! As does paying your bills on time, or getting a physical, or a colonoscopy, or training a new employee at the office. Getting through the budget process, or caring for an elderly parent, or making your kid's school lunches -- they all matter. And you've accomplished all of them.

But you haven't cured cancer. Or won the Nobel Peace Prize (unless you're Al Gore). OK. But your best friends and closest family would likely give you a prize for all you do for them. Am I right?

My guess is that you are probably doing enough. More than enough. Acknowledging that and giving yourself credit for it can help reduce your stress level. And, looking a hard look at your expectations of success laid next to your actual accomplishments can provide a roadmap for your future success. Your roadmap may show that you need to reallocate your time and attention -- and spend more time creating meaningful success and less time wallowing in your perceived failure.

The Sacrifice of Veterans

Living in the Washington, DC area as I do, I'm surrounded by icons of our nation's history. Nearly every day I cross the Potomac River and am greeted by the majestic Lincoln Memorial, with the Washington Monument obelisk just behind it, the stately Jefferson Memorial off to the right. Out of habit I look to the Capitol Dome -- if it's lit, I know that Congress is in session. The Iwo Jima Memorial is a favorite -- my father's apartment has overlooked it for at least twenty years -- and each of the sculpted men straining to plant the flag is like an old friend.

Whenever I see these monuments I try not to take them for granted. I try to remember that I feel lucky and blessed to live in this country. Every once in a while, I am reminded that not all the monuments in this town are so easily seen.

A few years ago, I took my kids to lunch at a McDonald's near their school. We pulled in and noticed a van unloading some young men in hospital scrubs. This being a big city, we didn't pay too much attention. I did notice that the guys were young, scrubbed, with short haircuts -- and giddy like kids.

It wasn't until we were inside, in line, that I could read one of the young men's t-shirt. It said: "Don't touch me here -- bullet hole." And, "Please don't hug me -- broken rib!" He had circled areas and notes all over his front, and his back. All four of the young men had similar markings on their shirts, and pants.

That's when I realized -- these were wounded soldiers. Recovering soldiers. Not much older than my son. Happy as all get out to be away from Walter Reed Army Hospital for just a few minutes. Happy to just be standing there, ordinary guys, ordering a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and fries.

Just a few weeks ago, I was shopping for groceries and noticed a woman -- model tall, polished ponytail, a little bit younger than me, Ingrid Bergman cheekbones. That alone would have caused me to notice her. But she was wearing a runner's prosthesis on her right leg, and her left leg was pockmarked by small, healing wounds from her ankle to the hem of her runner's shorts. Shrapnel wounds, I guessed. I weighed the idea that it could have been a car accident. But the way she carried herself? Like a soldier. That's when I knew how she'd been hurt.

For a moment, I didn't know how to manage my own feelings. I wanted to offer to push her cart because that wasn't easy for her, or to pay for her groceries, or at least tell her I appreciated her sacrifice.

Because I haven't sacrificed very much during this war, to be honest. Unlike my grandmother, I haven't had to do without, save ration coupons, worry about loved ones serving. No, I've had it pretty easy.

And this woman in the grocery store -- she lost that leg doing something I did not do. She served and she sacrificed. I followed her for a few minutes, wondering if I should say something, wondering if she wanted to talk about it. Wondering if calling attention to her would be the right thing or the wrong thing to do.

In the end, I did nothing. Nothing more than say a silent, grateful prayer for her and her family. With hopes that her external and internal wounds will heal.

On this Veteran's Day, let's remember the men and women of the past who have served our country since the Revolutionary War, but let's take special note -- and special care -- of those who are serving today.

Their sacrifice is its own towering monument to our country. And for that, I am grateful.

The Absence of Perfect

I struggled with writing today. I couldn't find the perfect opening sentence -- the one line that would grab you and compel you to read on. The perfectly turned phrase. An ideal piece of writing that you would remember forever, and forward to your friends and family with a tear in your eye and a lump in your throat. The Great American Blog.

I just couldn't get there. I had writer's block. I was stuck.

So, I asked myself one of my favorite questions, "In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?"

In the absence of the perfect intro, my options were a) to not write anything, b)to just write something, c) to go shopping.

Just for the record, I chose b). As appealing as c) was. And I got unstuck.

When you're stuck in any aspect of your life, ask yourself the same question, "In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?"

Being stuck is tough. Going neither forward, nor back -- just standing in place, watching the world whirl by. Removed. Stuck.

Pursuit of perfection often leads to stuck-ness. "I can't have guests until my house is perfect" or "I have to finish my MBA before I can apply for a new job" or "I guess I'm still single because I'm just too picky" -- all statements in pursuit of perfection. All statements which keep us stuck.

Shooting for the ideal is what we're taught from the time we're dandled on grandma's knee. "Don't settle! Hold onto your dreams! You can be anything you want to be!" But the dark side to what your grandma told you is that sometimes holding on to the ideal prevents you from doing anything at all.

Which is safe. But stuck.

When I pursue perfection, I limit my vision to only that which corresponds to my narrow vision of "perfect". According to advertisers, the perfect solution for any single woman is a hunky, hairless, pouting, slightly sweating guy who stares vaguely into the distance. Were I to hold on to that ideal, I would miss the OK-looking, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, slightly hairy available guy who would be a good partner for me.

Perfection is elusive. It's a soap bubble of joy. It only exists when we're not blowing too hard. Perfection is in the spontaneous hug of a four year old. It's in the kindness of strangers. It's there in a great big belly laugh. It's in the last place you'd expect to find it.

Perfection ceases to exist the harder you look for it.

So, when holding out for the ideal prevents you from actually living your life, and keeps you stuck, know your options. Choose one that will enlarge your experience and allow you to grow.

When you do, you'll stop being stuck. It'll be perfect.

Email Triage

Week before last I wrote about In-box Management and while many of you liked my highly figurative example of dealing with the spam between your ears, most of you would like tips to deal with the actual deluge of email you have to face on a daily basis.

I am glad to oblige. Let's get started.

The problem with email is twofold. First, there's too much of it in your in-box (we'll call that "inflow") and, second, you have to decide what to do with it ("outflow").

In medicine, "triage" is used to identify and manage the most acute cases, those in need of immediate attention. Guess what? Triage can also be used to manage your email effectively. All you have to do is identify what's most important, and deal with that first. Sounds simple enough, right?

Here are three tips to triage Inflow:

1) Have three different email accounts. One is your primary business email account. This is the account on your business card, and the one you give to professionals with whom you network. Your second account is for personal use -- this is the one you give your mother, your aunt Suzy, your layout cousin Frank and others. The third account is the one you use for online ordering, online games, online quizzes, whatever. This third account is your spam magnet, and will draw most of the junk. Then, you can spend quality time on your business email, some time on the family email and little or no time on the junk email.

2) Use email folders. Many email programs will allow you to change your settings so that email from a specific sender, or containing specific keywords, can be automatically directed into a folder. For instance, if you are working on a project with Tom Smith, you can specify that all messages containing his email address go into a Tom Smith folder. That makes staying on top of the project a breeze! Likewise, you can make all email containing Words You Would Have Gotten Smacked For Using In Front Of Your Mother go right into the trash. Setting up a priority system with your email folders can help you spend time on what's acutely important, and save the marginally important for another time.

3) Don't read your email all day long. It's a trap to have your email browser open all the time. If you are old enough, you remember when fax machines first hit the office. In my office, every time the fax machine signaled it had an incoming message the entire team gathered around to watch it come through. Who would it be for? What would it say? How important I would be if the fax was for ME! Over time, the novelty of faxes wore off (thank goodness), and we settled down to work. Today, the omnipresence of incoming messages means there is little time to actually think, or create, or evaluate. I suggest you check your email first thing in the morning, mid-day, at the end of the day. I know, I know -- you work in a culture that prizes always being available. Well, that's an awful lot like standing around watching a fax come in. Think of it this way: setting boundaries around reading your email gives you time to actually work!

Now, to Outflow. In my Stress Management class, I give a series of questions to ask when feeling stressed about a task. The very same questions can be applied to your email: Can I eliminate this? Can I do it another time? Can someone else do it?

Back in the dark ages (even before the fax machine, if you can believe it) there was an organizational school of thought best summed up by the phrase: "Touch it once." The idea being that a letter came in through the in-box on your desk (how quaint) and the goal was to touch it once -- read it and decide whether it needed to be filed, thrown out or acted upon. If it needed to be acted upon, you decided that before you put the paper down -- you wrote someone else's name on it and put it in the out-box, you called someone on the telephone to deal with it, or you wrote a new memo suggesting a meeting to settle the matter. Whatever you did, you didn't let paper hang around your in-box.

That's a good rule of thumb with virtual paper, too. Don't use your email in-box as a filing cabinet. Read the message; decide to do something with it or delete it; delegate it to someone else; call a meeting; print it out and post it anonymously on the employee bulletin board. Whatever you do, just touch it once, do something, and let it go.

The immediacy of email creates a false sense of importance. Only you can triage your email -- only you can decide what's important and needs immediate attention, and what's less critical and can wait. Many things clamor for your attention during the day -- honey, if you don't decide what matters, the clamor decides for you.

And the clamor doesn't always know what's best for you.

How To Like What You Do

Susan's complaining about her job. Oh, no, she likes her work -- she's just not crazy about the people she's working with. She's in a high-pressure, high-performance field where you "eat what you kill" -- in other words, she's paid a percentage of the contracts she closes.

The more we talk, it's apparent that Susan's frustrated because no one in the office is interested in working on projects with anyone else. No one refers Susan clients. No one comes to the parties she throws. People poach each other's support staff. She's never worked in a place like this and she's thinking about leaving.

I recommended Susan take the Myers-Briggs assessment. "But that's just for teams!" she blurted. "What can it do for an individual?" [note blatant set up here, which neatly introduces the subject I really want to write about!]

Back in the early 1920s, Katharine Cook Briggs discovered the work of pioneering psychologist Carl Jung. Katharine had been doing her own independent research on personality -- hoping to devise a tool to identify personality differences so that people could understand themselves and others -- and in Jung's theories found a workable personality type framework.

Katharine, the daughter of a college professor, had been home-schooled, so she home-schooled her own daughter, Isabel, in the same manner. In time, Isabel Briggs Myers -- armed with just a bachelor's degree, her mother's insights and her own determined curiosity -- developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

I love the idea that a mother and her daughter, working together, developed such a useful and insightful tool. They encountered resistance from the academic community who scoffed at their indicator -- they had no training, no credentials! Who did these women think they were?!

Katharine and Isabel, mother and daughter, weathered that storm. Eighty-some years after Katharine began her research, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is the the most widely used personality assessment in the world.

You may have taken the MBTI at some point -- and found your personality type represented by four letters, E or I, S or N, T or F, P or J. Sound at all familiar? There are sixteen possible combinations. You have a preference for either Extroversion or Introversion. You either Sense or Intuit. You Think or you Feel. You Perceive or you Judge.

"But," you say with a tiny whimper, "I am both Extroverted and Introverted. It depends on the situation." You are absolutely right. Jung theorized that, at our best, we know when it's appropriate to be Introverted and Extroverted, to Sense or to Intuit, and so on. The MBTI gets to what our innate preference is, regardless of which we may use in a particular situation.

Let's try an example of preference. Cross your arms across your chest. Note which arm is on top. Now, switch your arms so that the top arm is on the bottom. How's that feel? Awkward? Bet so. You have a marked preference for how you cross your arms, just as you have marked preferences for the way you see the world.

Neat, huh?

People with particular preferences tend to cluster in the same kind of field. Studies have shown, for instance, that people who choose the military have similar personality types -- hierarchical, traditional, practical -- and that makes sense, doesn't it? Similarly, people in the nursing field tend to have similar personality characteristics -- concerned with people, empathetic, open to solutions. Each type brings its own strengths and shortcomings, which naturally lend themselves to success or difficulty in particular fields.

After she took the Myers-Briggs assessment, I pointed out to Susan that one of the main problems might be that her type (ESFJ) has a strong preference for belonging. It's important that she feel part of a team, that she work in a hierarchy with known roles and an objective system for promotion. That means she might not fit in with an organization that values and rewards autonomous lone wolves. To be happier in her career, she can 1) bring more belongingness into her current workplace, or 2) find a workplace that fosters belonging.

Her eyes opened with understanding, and her path forward became a little clearer. And that's what Myers-Briggs is all about. Understanding yourself, and understanding those around you, so that you can be more effective and clear. Sure, MBTI is great for teams -- and [shameless self-plug warning] I'm happy to come into your workplace to deliver a knockout program that will help your team become more efficient, communicate better, solve interpersonal problems and retain employees -- but simply knowing and understanding your own personality type, and how it shapes your joys and your struggles, can be an eye-opening experience.

In-box Management

Like most folks, I have a couple of different email in-boxes. One's more for work, one's more for fun, and one seems to be the catchall for hundreds of spam messages. That's right, hundreds -- every day.

I get messages for products -- how do I put this delicately -- to enhance the size and prowess of a particular body part that's not a standard equipment on the female form. From these messages, I have learned that this particular body part requires quite a lot tending, in terms of medication, cremes, patches and powders. I had no idea. Always seemed rather straightforward to me: Stimulus. Response. Done.

Oh, and I get many touching messages from lonely young women who'd like to show me their pictures, dear things.

I had no idea that I had so many kinsmen who die in Africa, Latin America and China, leaving immense fortunes which can be mine if I cooperate with certain widowed wives of former dignitaries of said nations.

People write daily to sell me OEM software, whatever that is, and "genuine replica watches". Let's see, it's "genuine" and "replica" -- sounds surprisingly like "fake".

The other day I received a message from the unfortunately named "Cosimo Kiang", who wanted to give me $500, just for clicking a button. Where do they manufacture these names, anyway? Throwing darts at a phone book?

Every couple of days, I scan through these messages looking for an authentic message from a real person asking me a real question. This trolling and culling takes too much of my time, and I always worry that I've overlooked or deleted something of real importance.

I hate spam. It sucks my time and attention and gets me all distracted and fidgety.

But you know what? The deluge of stupid, time-wasting, ridiculous messages is not restricted to my email in-box. Nope, I get plenty of spam addressed to one other mailbox I sort through regularly -- the in-box between my ears.

You know these kinds of spam messages: Be thinner. Be younger. Be older. Be smoother. Be tougher. Be gentler. Be taller. Be sexier. Be buff. Be wealthy. Be #1. Be as self-sacrificing as Mother Teresa.

In short: Be something other than what you are.

The spam between my ears doesn't help me live my best possible life. It clogs me up, paralyzes me, helps me feel inadequate and unsuccessful. So, I've taken to sorting through and culling those messages, too. The good news is that I've finally arrived at the place where I receive the message, decide whether it's something to pay attention to or not, then click that old delete button.

So satisfying.

If you have a ton of spam in the in-box between your ears, maybe it's time to do a major purge. Better yet, set some filters so the most annoying, time consuming, distracting messages go to the trash before you ever see them!

The best messages are those that lift you up, reinforce the best part of you, remind you what makes you uniquely wonderful, prompt you to live authentically, and allow you to change that which holds you back.

The rest? A spam-like waste of time.