Having Fun

So this woman calls me last week. Says she's happy -- really happy -- doesn't need a coach really. Just wants to talk. Well, maybe there is just this one thing. Kinda small. Not a big deal.

See, she's got this job she doesn't really like but it pays pretty well -- you don't have to LOVE your work, right? You just have to get the check and support your lifestyle, even if the job is a soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end. I mean, she does the job very well.

Oh, and, by the way, she's got a four hour daily commute to the soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end job she only does for the money. She doesn't have time to connect with her husband. She feels guilty when she misses activities with her kids, so she schedules them into lots of stuff -- she's gotta work to pay for all that, right? And, for herself? No time for book club, no time for gardening, no time for nuthin'.

I have to tell you, I really liked this woman. She's smart, she's well-spoken, she's caring and kind. She's got so much going for her. And, like a lot of us, she's completely stuck in a rut.

If you're stuck in some kind of rut yourself, there is nothing better to do than incorporate some fun into your life.

Yes,that's what I said: fun.

Next to money and sex, fun is one of the most difficult things for us grown-ups to talk about. It's as if having fun is irresponsible once you crest a certain threshold of adulthood. But...

Think about when you're having fun. You're excited, you're laughing, you're in the moment -- you're happy. The Buddhists suggest "child's mind" when tackling a new problem (or just walking through your life) -- fun and play are the best ways to achieve child's mind. Jesus taught that the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like little children. And, how do children like to spend their time? Why, by having fun!

So, let me ask you: Are you playing every day? Are you having fun?

Take a moment to have some fun today. Clear off the coffee table and play mini-hockey with your kids. Do a cannonball off the high dive. Dance. Take your husband to the go-kart track and race. Giggle. Paint your mother's portrait with finger paints. Hang a spoon off your nose at dinner. Buy some Play-Doh. Have a water balloon fight. Hopscotch.

Have no purpose to your fun. Forget the teaching moments. Just play. Play and relax.

You're never too old for fun. Fun is never inappropriate. In fact, fun is catching. If folks see you have fun, they'll have fun themselves.

If your work is not fun, try to incorporate some fun into it. If you can't, find something more fun to do. Yes, your lifestyle may change. But that can be OK. It's happened before. After a divorce, Karen drops the country club and joins a hiking club. After successfully beating cancer, John leaves his job and starts teaching school. When the kids leave for college, Hannah and George sell the big house and spend a year sailing the Caribbean. A woman wakes up one morning and realizes there is more to life than a four hour commute, and makes some changes.

How you live is completely up to you -- if your lifestyle interferes with living your life, ditch the lifestyle for something much more real and much more fun.

Need More Time?

Need more time? Have enough time to get everything done? Are there things that remain on your to-do list -- for years? Stuff you never get around to tackling, oh, like exercising, finding a new job or actually having friends?

It's a modern predicament many of us face. But here's a strategy that really works: simply think about your time differently.

Imagine you have 100 units of energy to spend each day. You can't take from yesterday, because those 100 units are gone. You can't borrow from tomorrow, because those units belong to tomorrow.

You've just got 100 to use today. How will you allocate them?

First, you have to assess how you're spending your time. Take a pen and paper (or a crayon and the back of an envelope, or a Sharpie and a docile housepet) and write down everything you did yesterday. Start with what time you woke up, when you got out of bed, what you did next, and next, and next -- all the way to the time you went to sleep.

Now, remember: how you use your time reveals your true priorities. How did you use your time yesterday? What does that reveal about your priorities?

Let's say you have a priority to find a new job, but allocated no energy to that pursuit yesterday (or the day before, or the day before). Could it be that you really don't want a new job -- but that your spouse is pressuring you to make more money? Or, your daddy said you'd be successful when you made regional manager, but you'd rather not do sales at all?

When you really want something, you'll allocate energy to it. Plain and simple.

Friends, it is also possible to use "lack of time" as a way to avoid taking action, or to avoid something unpleasant. If you think that's the case, look at the priority you allegedly want to pursue. Do you really want it? Are you avoiding something? Is the priority yours? Or someone else's?

A priority that someone else places upon you is called a "should" -- such as: you should always put ketchup in a dish, not serve it in the bottle at dinner time; you should be a doctor and make a ton of money; you should have a housekeeper; you shouldn't have a housekeeper; you should keep your house tidy at all times; you should be thinner, smarter, hotter or blonder.

When really all you should be is -- you. Shoulds limit us. They force us to serve another person's priorities rather than our own. We depart from who we are in an effort to meet someone else's needs -- which may not allow us to be our best. That, my friends, is the path to unhappiness. Let's all focus on being happy, and eliminate shoulds. Agreed?

If you look at how you spent your 100 units of energy yesterday and realize that another person took 70 units, they better have a darn good reason. Most of us are ready to help another person in crisis -- but when that crisis goes on for weeks, months, years, you need to take a hard look and ask yourself whether the energy suck is keeping you from reaching your own priorities. If so, set some boundaries and re-shift your energy units to serve you better.

You have 100 units of energy to spend today. How will you use them to support your priorities?

When Times Are Tough

It's been a tough couple of weeks for yours truly. I've faced a 3-D crisis: Death, Disease and Disappointment. A longtime friend died; a woman dear to me is ill; one of my readers has been given a scary diagnosis; and, someone didn't do what he said he had done. All in all, a challenging time.

How do we get through crisis? How do we function when times are tough? How can we make the best of a bad situation?

Here are some tactics you can use when you face tough times:

First, don't hurry through difficulties. I know, I know. Sounds counter-intuitive, huh? But finding a solution to a set of difficult problems may take time -- and if you rush, you can find yourself applying the wrong solutions, which can completely compound the problem.

Second, accept the gifts difficulty has to offer. Another counter-intuitive thought? Not really. It's only by fully experiencing the lows that we can fully experience the highs. I believe it's impossible to live in bliss. Bliss is something that can be touched and savored in the moment -- but it's incredibly hard to sustain. Fully feeling sadness, hurt, vulnerability, disappointment and fear allows us to understand and learn. And to remember we're only human.

Third, make sure you are surrounded by a team of people ready to help and support you. In my case, my team "floats" depending on what I need. Sometimes my team includes a lawyer (or two), an accountant, a teacher, a consultant or another coach. Sometimes my team consists of three wise women and two bottles of wine. The latter is infinitely more fun than the former, with no offense meant to lawyers and accountants who can be fun in their own special ways. In my "Thinking About Starting Your Own Business" and "Writing Your Own Personal Strategic Plan" workshops, I ask participants to inventory the folks they'll need on their team to meet their objectives. It's a good idea to identify your "crisis team" when times are good -- so when times get tough, you know who to call. And, if you don't know who to call, rely on friends, family and colleagues to give you good referrals.

Fourth, if your crisis takes you by complete surprise and you have that deer-in-the-headlights feeling -- do this: think of someone you know who's experienced your crisis before and pretend you're her. "Carol would ask these questions," you can tell yourself. Then proceed to ask all of Carol's questions, which may prompt a few of your own. Our friends the mental health professionals call this "modeling" but you can also call it "surviving" -- just until you have the information and strength to get going again.

Finally, remind yourself that you are a resilient person. You haven't gotten this far without weathering a few storms, right? Reflect on other tough times you have faced-- you made it through, didn't you? You learned something. You made deeper connections with others. You grew stronger.

When times are tough, we are being challenged to our very core to dig deep and be the best people we can be in that moment. The good news is that tough times don't last forever. And when they pass, our hearts are open to grateful living -- and anticipation of the inevitable good times to come.

Extreme Jobs

How many hours a week do you work? Do you travel? Do you supervise or mentor people? Are you required to be available to clients 24/7? Do you have to attend work-related events outside of regular work hours? Are there even such things as "regular work hours" where you work?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you might just have what Sylvia Ann Hewlett calls an "Extreme Job." In her book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success, Hewlett discusses the rise of extreme jobism as a barrier which keeps women from the executive suite, but also keeps men stressed and harried. It's true, fewer women with children hold extreme jobs than do men -- mainly because of the competing demands of work and family. Women who are also moms tend to step down, or away, from extreme jobs in an effort to find a balance in their lives.

Hewlett backs up her arguments with terrific research. In surveys, people in extreme jobs report the toll their work life takes on their health -- "more than two thirds don't get enough sleep, half don't get enough exercise, and a significant number overeat, consume too much alcohol, or rely on medications to relieve insomnia or anxiety," Hewlett finds.

But the biggest toll comes in the personal life of people with extreme jobs. Hewlett cites Arlie Hochschild's book The Time Bind, and talks about the stress on a relationship when both people work long hours at demanding jobs. "Hochchild shows that for many professionals 'home' and 'work' have reversed roles: home is where you expect to find stress -- and guilt; while work has become the 'haven in a heartless world' -- the place where you get strokes and respect, a place where success is more predictable."

Just about the same time I read Hewlett's book, the Washington Post ran an article about workaholism. Serendipitous coincidence for me, because I was able to connect some dots. The Post article suggested workaholics take a look at relationships in the family, and ask, "Do you routinely get home after the kids are in bed? Miss important family events? Do you get impatient with family members because you have so much work to do?" The Post quotes Chris Essex from the Center for Work and the Family who says that some workaholics "choose to stay at work because family is harder work. They have skills and training that allow them to be successful at work, but they don't have the skills and training to be successful at home."

See a theme here?

It seems that sometimes people use the demands of their job as a barrier to real, deep connection with others. Busy single people can't make plans with others; busy married people can't make plans with their families. Which is one big, honking way to avoid connecting with people at all.

Kinda sad, isn't it?

The rules and roles are well-defined at work -- thus giving the control freak among us plenty of comfort. At home, however, the footing's somewhat dicier, and harder to control. So, stay at work -- in the comfort zone -- or come home, where all bets are off.

If you recognize yourself in this paradigm, there are some things you can do to begin balancing your life and making deeper connections with your family and friends:

1) Start measuring yourself by a new yardstick. Rather than making your long hours and demanding schedule a "badge of honor", define yourself in other ways -- as a good parent, a good friend, a good squash player. So many times I've been in situations where one person talks about how demanding their job is only to have the next person "one-up" with how demanding their job is. If you find yourself in this kind of dueling banjos, just stop. De-escalate. You'll be doing everyone a favor if you are a walking example of a happy, balanced life.

2) If you are the boss and you demand that your staff model your driven behavior, ask yourself if that's really necessary. Do you have stressed-out people? Do you have people who are frequently ill? How's morale? Do you have high turnover? Hewlett points out that it costs one and a half times a person's salary to replace them -- it costs more the higher in the organization you go. Workaholism, then, costs you more as a manager than it likely gets you. Change the group think, and you will get happier, more productive people who like what they do -- and, as I've often found -- will stay loyal to you and your organization.

3) Get some training. Go to a couples retreat, take some parenting classes or take up a hobby. In our workplaces we get leadership training, diversity training, computer training, ethics training, team building exercises and stress management classes. Why don't we do this in our own homes? Make a "training schedule" for your non-work life, and build those skills which might be lacking. If you can find rewards from this kind of training -- more sex, more happiness, more connection, more fun (just to name a few) -- then the reward of an extreme job begins to pale in comparison. Believe me.

The bottom line is this: where you put your attention will grown more important in your life. If you put 120% of your attention on your work life, how much do you have for the rest of you? -80% is my guess. I'm not saying you can't be successful. You can be. I'm not saying you can't work hard. You can. The goal is balance. Work smart. Work efficient. Define yourself by your whole life, not just one part of it. It's in that balance that life has the most meaning. And the most joy.

Getting Back To Work

Show me a woman 40 to 55 years old who's been home with her kids, and I'll bet you she's had this thought at one point or the other: "Maybe I should go back to work." And with the magic of my all-knowing, all-seeing swami-like brainpower, I'll bet she's also said, "Who'd hire someone like me, who's gone 15 years without a pay check?"

It's not that I'm able to read minds. I usually can't. Rather, I am able to listen, and plenty of women are talking about how to transition back to work.

As a coach, I've been able to successfully help at-home moms find their way back meaningful and lucrative employment. Want to know how?

Know what you're good at, and what you like to do. Just because you worked 70 hours a week as a partner in a law firm, doesn't mean you have to do that now. Many former highly skilled women forecast ahead and see a very black or white future, when it comes to going back to work. "I have to go back as a full-time partner or I can't go back at all." Not so, grasshopper. You are smarter and wiser than you were then. Just make an inventory of what was best of what you did in your job, and add in the things you like about what you're doing now. There may be similarities, or eye-popping opportunities that arise from a crosshatch of your past and your present.

The gap won't matter to people who know what you can do. Over 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral, so rely on your network of contacts -- both from your professional days and from your at-home days. Let's say you were a ferocious litigator who became a ferocious advocate for diversity in your children's school. Perhaps you could go to a non-profit dedicated to diversity and offer your services. They might not need you full-time, but they might help you find your Bridge Job.

Love the beauty of the "Bridge Job". The beauty of what I call the "Bridge Job" is that it's often short-term, project-oriented, working for someone who knows you and has a specific need. Often the Bridge Job is just a means to an end -- with the end being your next job. I recently coached a wonderful woman whose Bridge Job was in the Federal Government, working for a former boss. This position gave her a perch from which she could do good work, build her network, establish a salary level and get her self-confidence. I am pleased to announce that she recently left the government for a big, hot-shot job on Wall Street.

There was a time when I was a full-time mom, at home with my wonderful kids. Although I enjoyed my time in corporate America, and truly loved working at the White House, mothering my children was just about the best experience I ever had. But like a lot of women, at a certain point time and events collided, so I went back to work.

In some ways, I took an easy path -- I re-started my consulting/coaching practice. And starting a business that reflects your own values, can be an excellent way to go forward. I am coaching several woman-owned small businesses as they grow and develop -- and watching the institutionalization of things like flexibility and Bridge Jobs and openness is truly inspiring.

I am also coaching women who are taking the harder path: re-entering the corporate workplace. Their big fears? Who will hire someone with an "employment gap"? If they do get a job, will they have to work 70 hour weeks? Will they have flexibility? Will they have seniority?

Fortunately, the picture is beginning to shift for women re-entering the workforce. Sylvia Hewlett's new book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women On The Road To Success (Harvard Business School Press), provides an excellent template for corporations and organizations to follow to ease the non-linear careers of women.

Attention all HR executives, recruiters and C-level folks who read this blog (and there are many of you): You need to get this book and take a long, hard look at the realities hiring futurists predict. Disqualifying candidates simply because they took time off to care for children, or elders, or their own health, eliminates a talented and vital portion of highly qualified individuals. Developing innovative ways to recruit, retain and support these people may just be the key to your long-term business success.

What Hewlett calls "The White Male Career Model"-- continuous, goal-oriented movement; full time employment and office face time; 'catching the wave' of a big promotion in your 30s; primarily motivated by money -- is falling by the wayside. I wrote about the differences between men and women a few weeks ago. If you recall, I suggested men are goal-oriented and women are experience-oriented in many aspects of life. Hewlett supports this idea with research that shows women -- regardless of whether they have children or not -- are more motivated by the connections they make in their work, and balance, than in monetary rewards. "The Female Career Model" then, would include nonlinear careers; a mix of full/part-time/project work; an ability to pass up promotions selectively; a focus on connections and experience over money. Hewlett's research shows that women really want to 'give back' in their work -- and be fairly compensated, naturally. But waving more money in front of a woman to get her to comport to the White Male Career Model is going to be an attempt that fails.

What she needs, and values, is connection, flexibility, and a culture that drops the stigma surrounding 'dropping out' or 'cutting back'.

Before I close, I want to tell you about a friend of mine who worked in politics and government. She was a very successful and well-regarded human resources executive. Then she married (a great guy) and they had children. My friend stepped back from her work and became an at-home mother. After the disputed 2000 election, she was called to "help" with the mountains of personnel paperwork piling up. It was a short-term position that ended up going something like 18 months. She went back to mothering. Then, she was approached about taking a big, full time job in the government, which she did. She called me one day and said, "Anyone can do this, Michele. It's not hard. You don't lose your skills -- it all comes back!" Today, this friend of mine serves as one of the highest ranking women in the White House -- she's Anita McBride, former at-home mom, now Chief of Staff to the First Lady.

You can go back to work after a gap in your employment history. It's possible. Target people who know you, and know what you can do. Aim for a Bridge Job as you transition from one stage of your life to another. Select people and organizations who prize flexibility and other values important to you.

And, remember what Anita said, "You don't lose your skills -- it all comes back!"

Supply & Demand

"I don't even know who I am any more," the 40-something woman across the table said to me. "Am I just someone's mom? Someone's wife? The chauffeur? The person who does the laundry and cooks the meals? Is that all I am?"

It's a perverse irony -- we love to do things for others, yet by doing so we often lose ourselves. We're always ready to help others, always available to tend to that which needs tending. We’re so accommodating that our help becomes expected rather than appreciated.

It's a fact that when things become too easy, too plentiful, too ubiquitous, they are often taken for granted. This is true whether it's a person place or thing. The bottom line is that when something is too available, it is less valuable.

But that's supply and demand for you. Too much supply in the system yields lower value. More demand than supply raises value.

If you are someone who derives meaning and purpose from being needed, you may find that your willingness to drop your priorities to help others meet their priorities devalues both you and what you want to do.

Here’s an example: The laundry is always done on time. Your family comes to expect it. There is always food, and no one fixes meals but you. You help with homework. You come running when called. Even when you are knee deep in paying bills, figuring income taxes or coordinating the big fundraiser, you drop what you are doing to help someone else. You feel frustrated because you never seem to finish anything, and you can't concentrate long enough to focus on the big picture.

Another example: You have a big project on your dance card. You chunk it up into doable steps and make a plan for getting it all done on time. Then Jim pops his head into your cube and says, "Can you help me with the Framastan contract?" You like being needed, especially by Jim (who is a good guy but REALLY needy), so you say, "Sure!" Next thing you know, Jim is presenting and not mentioning that you helped in any way -- and your project is still not done.

An example of putting your own needs last: Your source of soul-boosting strength is full sweat mountain biking. However, whenever you go biking you feel guilty if you don't bring your two year old along in a bike seat, and your five year old along on his own bike. They can't manage trails, so you stick to the flat path. You never break a sweat and your soul is teased, but not nourished.

When your needs are always trumped by another’s needs, you telegraph the message “I am not important.” Oh, you may feel important in the doing, and in being needed. But if your own objectives and priorities are not valued – even by you – your own objectives and priorities will fall by the wayside.

When you provide endless supply, the value of what you provide is diminished. In fact, your very sense of self becomes diminished.

How do you get supply and demand into appropriate balance? Start by honoring your own needs, values, objectives and priorities. Easier said than done? OK, I’ll give you a script.

Your child yells, “Hey, come look at this!” You say, “Sweetie pie, I am working on the taxes and can’t come right now. Can you explain to me what you see?” That way, if what he wants you to see is a commercial for Snappy-Poppy O’s or an escaped gerbil or, oh, blood, you can react accordingly. You are also teaching him that what you do is important and deserves respect. A great life lesson.

Jim asks for help on the Framastan contract. You say, “Jim, I’d love to help you but I have to get this project done by Thursday at 3pm. Can I help you after that?” In all likelihood, Jim will move on and look for another sucker to do his work for him. And you have proven that you are not that sucker.

You plan to go mountain biking to work up a sweat and feed your soul. Keep that objective in mind and leave the kids at home in the care of someone wonderful (then, when you get home and are showered, push that caring someone out the door for his or her own soul-feeding time). Prioritize your “me time” – because doing so helps you be a better parent.

Sometimes your over-supply of “help and assistance” can be read as “You are not capable of doing this for yourself” or “You will make a muddle of this, so I am going to take care of it.” Both of these sentiments completely disempower the other person. Think about it: when you go on a girl’s weekend once a year and always arrange a babysitter to support your husband, what message are you sending? That he’s incapable of effective parenting? Then why in the world do you complain that he never does anything? You’ve already sent him the message that he can’t, loud and clear.

We lose ourselves, like the 40-year old woman I talked with, when we devalue our selves by being too available, and not honoring our own needs and objectives. So, be careful of what you supply. Calibrate your help and assistance to meet reasonable demands. Keep your value up by giving others the chance to meet their own demands. You have a right to know who you are, and you get it through a steady supply of self-respect.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Isn’t the Internet a wonderful thing? You can read something interesting, then click to something else quite interesting, which leads, hours later, to an utterly random yet extremely fascinating article, completely unrelated to what got you started.

Using just this circuitous method, I stumbled on an interview with researcher Beverly Whipple, recently named one of the world's 50 most influential living scientists by New Scientist magazine. Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University, began her career as a nurse and switched to sex research 44 years ago when a patient asked if a man who had suffered a heart attack could ever have sex again. In the course of her career, she has answered that question and many others.

One line from the interview really jumped out at me. When asked the difference between men and women in terms of sex, Whipple replied, “Men are goal oriented, and women are pleasure oriented.”

Well, now. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it?

Then I wondered if there were other areas of life where this is true. Sure, some men are keen to experience, not just rush to a goal. And women are known to set and meet goals. But in the aggregate, the idea that men have one definition of success and women have another has implications in the boardroom, as well as the bedroom. As I pondered, I realized there are plenty of examples of this, especially if you exchange the word “pleasure” for “experience”.

Think about shopping. A man goes into a Shopping Situation with a seek-and-destroy mindset: “I need two new shirts, a tie and boxers, then I’m out of here!” Women may have things they need to pick up, but also look at the possibilities. “Sharon would like this!” or “This might work for Tom.” Women often shop with a friend, and make a day of it. They pay attention to ambiance, texture, sounds.

He has a goal. She’s after an experience.

Another example? The NCAA Final Four bracket chart. Can you think of another more goal-oriented deal than that? A guy will completely fill in the bracket and track the progress of the teams to the ultimate goal – the #1 position. On the other hand, when I watch college basketball I am fascinated by the stories, “Brent, the power forward, Lucas Jones, certainly has faced adversity. He was raised by his loving, asthmatic grandmother in Waukegon's gritty inner city after he tragically lost his parents to a freak Zamboni incident at age 8. He’s a mentor to little kids at the Girls and Boys Club, a ventriloquist and a straight A student.” Ahhwww. Women are suckers for that stuff. It’s all part of the experience.

Women are color commentators, men are play-by-play.

So, where else does it matter that men are goal oriented and women are experience oriented? Let’s get back to sex. Many men, and plenty of women, feel that orgasm is the goal of sex. Some men feel that there must be “something wrong” if their partner doesn’t climax. Yet, I was surprised to learn from Professor Whipple that over 70% of women report they do not have orgasm every time they have intercourse. Sadly, there are a lot of women, and men, who feel “less than” sexually when, in fact, they are quite normal. The average woman takes 20 minutes to become sexually aroused -- and, how shall I say it, in the rush to make their goal, many men forget not only the time, but the day of the week [insert laugh track here].

Imagine the mutual satisfaction if a man was aware that the experience is what is important to a woman, rather than rating "success" on whether she did or didn’t have an orgasm. What if he fully supported her "pleasure for the sake of pleasure" and de-emphasized orgasm? With less pressure to perform for both parties, there would be better, and dare I say it, more sex.

I have to write a word about "male performance". What a doofy phrase. As if the man performs and the woman applauds. As we've seen above, that's not always true. Take it from me, it's not a performance, gents. Writer Gary Zukav talks very eloquently about the power of the sexual connection in his book The Seat of The Soul. In that book, Zukav suggests that forgetting the spiritual aspect of sex strips it of its meaning. In that way, too, the idea of "male performance" strips sex of the mutuality of the moment.

Just understanding that he needs a goal and she needs an experience could transform a relationship. Rather than expecting him to love shopping, just like she does, a woman could say, “I am going to respect his need to seek-and-destroy when he’s shopping and not browbeat him to enjoy it as much as I do.” Or a man might plan an outing with a woman and say, “Rather than try to climb to the top of Mt. Baldy as fast as possible, I'm going to make sure Susan really enjoys the experience. We'll move at a reasonable pace and stop halfway to have a picnic lunch.”

Wouldn’t it be great if a male manager could acknowledge that there is more to work than meeting and beating objectives – and reward women who focus on team-building and systems strengthening? And a woman manager could recognize that the guys on the team need the satisfaction of having something to strive toward, and create a process to measure and reward progress toward the goal?

There is so much to learn and appreciate from the differences between men and women. If a man can learn from a woman to slow down and enjoy the experience, while the woman learns the satisfaction of making and reaching goals, a kind of relational balance can be had – a balance which makes life for each of them that much more full.

Finding Joy

Are you happy? Is there joy in your life?

It is so hard for some folks to find joy. Maybe they think they aren’t entitled, or they have the feeling that it’s somehow inappropriate. It's as if once you become a grown up you must put your shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone keeping a stiff upper lip, and suffer through the rest of your life. Happiness is for the indolent or the indulgent. It’s silent suffering for the rest of us.

Ah, the good old Puritan Work Ethic.

I am here to tell you that it is possible to have both work and joy. It's possible to have a balance between the two, in a perfect Joy/Work ratio. If you don't have enough joy in your life, your Joy/Work ratio might be out of balance. Here are just a few things you can do today to right the scales.

1. Figure out what brings you joy. Do you know how many people have to think about what brings them joy? Plenty, that’s how many. So take a little inventory. Do you find joy with people, or with things? In certain places? With certain aromas? When do you feel joy? As long as it’s legal and doesn’t hurt anyone else, you are good to go.

2. Be conscious of opportunities for joy. The Buddhists practice “mindfulness”, which includes being aware of one’s surroundings and interactions. In my own life, I realized I got great joy out of the way light plays on living plants and trees. So, I take time to look at the backlit leaves of the red maple outside my office window. I find myself driving or walking and noting the color of tulips, or the pink of the dogwood, or the earthy brown of a moldering tree. And I feel very, very joyful. Be aware of what brings you to that place of joy and be mindful of opportunities to express it.

3. Make time for joy. Once you figure out what brings you true joy, whether it’s having deep conversations with friends, or watching a baseball fly out of the park, fair, on a summer afternoon, or digging in the dirt, or painting, or yoga, or love – make time for it. Don’t put off your joy until tomorrow, you Puritan you. Tomorrow, as we have all learned by now, may not come the way we think it will.

4. Express gratitude. It’s been said that it’s impossible to feel both sad and grateful at the same time. Remind yourself just how grateful you are. Then, tell people you value them, journal your grateful thoughts, live in a perpetual state of gratitude. Joy will ensue.

When I was a child, I was enamored of a Hanna-Barbera show – the animated “Gulliver’s Travels.” One of the Lilliputians was a rotund little doom-and-gloom guy whose stock catch-phrase was “We’re doomed. We’ll never make it.” Although I’ve been know to have used this exact catchphrase myself from time to time, I’ve come to figure out that predicting doom usually insures it. I now avoid such predictions at all costs, and seek out the joy in a situation.

There is almost always some joy, somewhere. Real joy is so… joyful. It’s that unbearable lightness of being. It’s like bubbles in good champagne. It's in a baby's belly laugh. Dare I say it? Joy is happiness, distilled in a moment.

Yep, I used the H-word. Happiness. Don’t be frightened of the idea of being happy. Happiness is good. Happiness can change your life.

Dr. Jon Haidt, noted researcher at the University of Virginia and author of The Happiness Hypothesis, suggests that the H-word can be rendered in the following formula: H = S + C + V. “S” is your set point – whether you see the glass half empty or half full. “C” stands for the conditions of your life – a long commute, a disability, poverty. “V” covers your voluntary activities, or those things you choose to do: to volunteer, to take a class, to make changes in your life.

To make the quickest jump in H, you can focus on your C and your V. But to dramatically shift the texture and tenor of your life, attack your S. Learning to see the glass as half full, regardless of the circumstances, will profoundly raise your H.

Unabashedly welcome joy into your life. It'll make you happy.

We Are Virginia Tech

I am an alumna of Virginia Tech. Class of ’82. When it came time to apply to college, I had no idea about safety schools or applying to a bunch… frankly, I had no clue about college admissions and I didn’t work the system. I applied to Tech, William & Mary and UVa. I was accepted at the first two and waitlisted at the third.

But I chose Tech because of the campus. The majority of the buildings are constructed of “Hokie Stone”, a gray-blue granite quarried locally. I was utterly smitten with Hokie Stone. On pretty days, the stone reflected the breathtaking blue of the mountain sky. On gray days, the stone embodied the resolute, iron-strong values of the university.

And I came to love the school’s Latin motto “Ut Prosim”, “That I might serve.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about Ut Prosim as the stories around the Blacksburg tragedy began to unfold. I was reminded of Ut Prosim as I heard the story of the Eagle Scout, shot through the upper thigh, bleeding from a wound to his femoral artery. This young man made a makeshift tourniquet and stopped the bleeding. Then, he moved around to his wounded and dying classmates, administering what first aid he could. Ut Prosim.

I thought Ut Prosim when I watched Tech President and alumni Charlie Steger conduct press briefing after press briefing, always clear, always calm, always thoughtful. I can only imagine what his presence meant to the students and parents he undoubtedly met with privately. His strong leadership and consistent commitment to openness and candor set the tone for the Virginia Tech emergency services team as well as the administration. Ut Prosim.

But nowhere was Ut Prosim more evident than in the heroism of Liviu Librescu, a 76 year old professor and Holocaust survivor who used his own body to block the door of his classroom to the shooter. I imagine Professor Librescu knew exactly the pain of losing dear ones to violence. I think he knew the sweetness of living life after having survived catastrophe. I can almost hear him urging his students out the window, “Go, go!”, urgency in his voice, as he gave his life so others would live. Ut Prosim.

Renowned poet Nikki Giovanni came to Virginia Tech in 1987, after I left. I recall seeing news about her appointment and being proud of my alma mater for inviting a poet of her reputation and stature to the community – a community better known for its engineering and architecture than its poetry.

In lyric remarks at the Convocation, Nikki Giovanni used the phrase “We are Virginia Tech” to punctuate her prose poem. It was inspiring. It was encompassing. It was what we needed to hear.

We are Virginia Tech. And now you are Virginia Tech. We are Ut Prosim. And you are Ut Prosim, too. Finding ways to serve – ways both big and small, heroic and humdrum – is incumbent upon all of us. It’s how we can honor those who have fallen, and begin to reach out to those in our community who need our help.

Poet Nikki Giovanni said it best:

"We are Virginia Tech.

The Hokie Nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds. We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid. We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imaginations and the possibilities. We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness.

We are the Hokies.

We will prevail.

We will prevail.

We will prevail.

We are Virginia Tech."

Here, But Not Here

The other day I was in the mall running some errands and saw the cutest high school couple. Their arms were entwined – her right hand in his back pocket, his left in hers – as they walked arm in arm. Sweet. Brought back memories. Until I looked closer and saw that the boy was chit-chatting on his cell phone while he strolled with his sweetie. Sweetie had a look on her face which was one part “Woo-hoo! I’ve-got-a-boyfriend-look-at-me” and one part “When is he going to get off the phone?”

This brought to mind a trip to Disney World where I saw a father glued to his Blackberry while the family stood in a slow-moving line. The mother would try to engage him in a conversation with her and the kids and he would absently respond, “Uh, huh” or “Mmmm” whether or not those were relevant responses. Finally, the exasperated mother said, “Honey, we are on vacation. This is not your office. Put the Blackberry away.” It was as if he were coming out of a trance as he slipped it into his pocket. He was there, but not there. I wonder where he wanted to be.

Cell phones and Blackberrys have given us a way to be present physically but absent, practically. We’re here, but not here. And, for the sake of our relationships, I think it’s time we put the phone down, so we can be right here, right now.

Now, I’m no Luddite. I don’t hate technology. I like technology. In fact, I am a gadget girl. Give me a new electronic gizmo and I can spend hours noodling with it. I read about new cell phones, TVs, DVDs, computers, programs, cameras, PDAs – all that stuff. I’m an early adopter who enjoys finding new tools which allow me to do things more efficiently. Especially tools with cool little buttons that make noises and glow in the dark.

But cell phones and Blackberrys are everywhere, and steal our time and attention. They allow us to keep relationships at an arm’s length (the length of the arm holding the phone, bent to our ear, in fact). They help us stay superficially involved. It’s as if we’re asking for credit for hanging out with one person while we’re really hanging out with whoever’s on the other end of the phone.

When you’re there, but not there, you divide your attention so no one or nothing is getting all of you. Some of us seem to use the cell phone for precisely this reason. The distance provided by being on a call calibrates a relationship. It gives power to the person with the phone – they decide who can talk with whom, when. It provides a great excuse for emotional distance. I don’t have to be fully engaged in a difficult discussion with you because (saved by the bell!) my phone is ringing!

I tell my clients, “Look at how you’re spending your time and you will know where your priorities lie.” What are you telegraphing about your priorities when you interrupt a conversation with a real, live person to take a call from a person who's not even there? How do you think the person you’re sitting across the table from, who you’ve effectively put on “hold”, feels? Important? Valuable? Relevant?

Take a minute to think about the times when you’re there, but not there. Gizmos and gadgets can create a false urgency in our lives. They decide so you don't have to. But they can't have relationships for you.

Setting boundaries around when you answer calls, or check email, can help get you started on building quality relationships with people in your life. Need some help finding appropriate boundaries? Here are some ideas:

• No answering the phone when there’s only one other person present – say your spouse, your child, your parole officer

• No checking email in church or at your child’s play or during your performance review

• You might even consider – gasp – not taking your cell phone or Blackberry on vacation

“But, Michele!” you gasp. “I’m multi-tasking! Isn’t that what an effective person does?”

No. Multi-tasking is when you try to cram more into a minute than a minute deserves. Multi-tasking is what an overwhelmed, overstressed, anxious person does. A balanced person, present in the moment, actually does one thing at a time, devoting as much attention as needed to accomplish the task at hand.

Now, does that mean that if you leave a message for someone you can’t do a thing until they return your phone call? You certainly may do something else. But when they call you back, don’t check your email while you conduct your call.

Because you’ll be there, but not there.

“But, Michele!” you shout. “I’m very important! The office can’t do without me! I have to be in touch 24/7! I have to have my Blackberry.”

I know you are very, very important. But play a game with me, will you? Name a really important person in the world. OK – the Pope. Do you think the Pope carries a Blackberry? Does he check it during church? Does he answer his cell phone when he’s having audiences? Or hearing confession?

My guess is that the Pope knows what’s important. He knows the greatest gift you can give someone else is to be there with them. To hear them, to know them, to respect them, to be present right there, in that moment, with them.

The secret to happy lives and rich relationships has nothing to do with gizmos and gadgets – it has everything to do with you, and how often you can be right here, right now. Set your own priorities. Don't let some electronic device serve as an artificial barrier to meaningful connection with others.

You owe it to yourself, and others, to be here, now.

Working At It

I believe the secret to living a happy life is to be fully conscious – to be alive and awake to your life. Being alive and awake can have its downsides, certainly. It’s no fun to feel sad, or to experience loss. But when you are alive and awake, even the most painful experience provides an opportunity to learn something and to grow.

I went to a funeral this week, and, although it was sad, I was reminded of something very valuable. My friend Pamela Gardner Ahearn died quite suddenly; she was 52 and had led an extraordinary life. As a protocol officer at the State Department, she knew many famous, even legendary, people who influenced history. But it was as a friend that Pam had the most impact.

The way people responded to her death showed me that. Folks showed up. They pitched in. They reached out. They cared for her husband, her mother, her sisters, nieces and nephews. They came because they knew Pam would have done it for them, had the situation been reversed.

I was in my mid-20s when I met Pam. I worked at the White House doing Presidential events; Pam worked at the State Department and dated one of my colleagues, who, after a courtship of 13 years or so, became her husband. There is such a vibrant connection between those of us who worked together in those days. Maybe it's that we were young, with a lot of responsibility, working in high pressure situations. We needed to trust and rely each other to get the job done. Happily, that connection is still there.

It’s a bittersweet thing to look forward to seeing long-lost friends at such a sad occasion, but that’s what it was for me. Friends came from California, from New England, from New York, from Tennessee, from down the street. You know how you have friends who you can pick right up with, even if you don’t talk for months or years? It’s that way with these people. And I was so happy to see them.

At the funeral, my old boss Jim told some funny stories about Pam and poignantly noted that he had never told Pam how much he admired her and appreciated her friendship. It was a heartfelt admission from a rather tough guy.

I thought about how often I tell my friends and family how important they are to me. Not often enough. I glanced around the church and realized I was sitting in a pew with people very dear to me, people I admire, people who I have worked with in extremely challenging situations. One row ahead was a woman with such strong values and priorities – her sense of compassion, caring and kindness continues to serve as a model to me. Across the way was one of my favorite couples – people whose down-to-earth nature endures despite their high-profile positions. Behind me was one of the first friends I made as an adult in Washington, DC. Handing out programs was a former Senate staffer turned at-home mom – one of the most insightful women I know. On the other aisle was a woman who has been very generous to me, and others. Among the pallbearers was a man who gave me a sound piece of advice at a time I needed it most – he said, “Act in ways you can be proud of when the crisis has passed.” Good advice from a good man.

Everywhere I looked were people I love, people I have relied on, people who have enriched my life.

And I doubt I’ve ever told them that.

How about you? Do you have people in your life you rely on, who you appreciate, who you admire – yet haven’t told them how you feel?

One of the other speakers was a lovely woman who grew up with Pam in Nashville. They met in sixth grade and had a friendship which endured forty years. Forty years! How did they do it? “We worked at it,” she said, simply. And I realized, in that moment, that I need to work at it, too.

That evening, I got a call from one of my dearest friends who was also at the funeral. She and I have shared so many of life’s challenges, but our schedules are such that we don’t see each other that often. She left me a voice message, just to tell me she loved me. She was working at it. As I will, too.

I’m going to give you a homework assignment – is there someone, or several people, you need to work at it with? Who need to hear just how important they are to you? More importantly, are there people you need to say “I love you” to? I’ll bet the answer is yes. So, take a minute and write a note, send an email, leave a voice message, or, better yet, grab a cup of coffee and look your friend in the eye and tell them what they mean to you.

Pam’s eyes would twinkle at the thought.

Questions & Answers

More than once I have been known to say, "Work is a four-letter word." And, sometimes it is -- I sense a lot of heads nodding in unison. Yet, at times work transcends and becomes something which gives meaning and purpose to our lives. Coaching can help you move from soul-sucking, four-letter-word work to fulfilling, meaningful work. Coaching can also help improve other parts of your life. Let me give you some examples:

I can't stand my boss. She makes my day miserable. She's a horrible leader -- she can't make decisions, she avoids conflicts, she passes most of the tough decisions on to me. That means I have even more work to do! She also loses her temper and rages around the office. She's really unpredictable. What can I do?

Quit. No, I'm just sort of kidding. OK, I might not be kidding. In all things, I suggest you give a situation your best shot before throwing in the towel. That way you can walk away knowing that you tried everything possible to make a situation work. When you have problems with your boss, usually it's one of two things: 1) your Bully Boss reminds you of someone you've had trouble with in the past, or 2) your Bully Boss exhibits traits you wish you had yourself. I often ask clients who their Bully Boss reminds them of -- and they usually know exactly who to finger (most frequently they're reminded of a tyrannical parent or other powerful figure from their childhood).

Then, we look at what it is that's similar (inexplicable rage, unpredictability, favoritism, etc.) and work on understanding how that influences your actions, or holds you back. When the Bully Boss has traits you wish you had -- you might say, "No way! I'm nothing like that bully!" To which I say, "Way", and ask you to list everything you hate about the Bully Boss. Then we'll go back through the list and figure out what you need to strengthen or to claim.

In one case, a client was perturbed that the Boss always brown-nosed more senior people, asking them to lunch or coffee or other activities. After doing an exercise or two, the client realized that she was envious of her Bully Boss, because the client wished she had the gumption to interact with senior staff. She made a goal of asking a Senior V.P. to lunch, and it worked. Her tension with her boss lessened substantially. However, if you look at how your own judgments and biases may be contributing to your work environment and still determine that the problem is your boss -- then get your resume together, activate your network and throw in the towel. Some situations cannot be fixed.

I've just been promoted to a big job -- I'm managing some of the people who were interviewed for this position. There's a lot of back-stabbing and office politics. How do I make the most of my new job?

First, you have to play the part. If you are a manager or senior executive, you have to own that role. Notice what the other senior people wear, and match their level of professional dress. Impressions about you are made in the very first few weeks of your new job -- claim your authority from the beginning. I have a client who started as an executive at a major organization where few women were in senior ranks. So my client dressed and acted how she thought an executive should, and no one doubted her authority. In fact, she was promoted in the first two months on the job.

The second part of this scenario is more complicated -- managing someone who was considered for the position you now hold. Yikes! The best strategy is to win that person over. Ask about their successes and carefully seek their opinion. I say "carefully" because you don't want to cede your authority to them. Rather, keep in mind that you want to foster a harmonious team and act accordingly. Do your best to avoid office gossip -- as a manager, you set the tone and can send a message that damaging, back-stabbing office gossip will not be tolerated. Finally, taking a new, big job might be slightly scary and you might be tempted to use self-deprecating humor to break the ice. Big honking mistake. If you "run yourself down", as your mama would say, you leave yourself wide open for others to do the same. Act confidently and leave your insecurities at home.

I'm scared of making decisions. I think that whatever I do, I'll make the wrong choice and live to regret it. Any advice?

I believe the vast majority of human beings are influenced by fear. Specifically, the fear of death. And my recommended antidote? Walk right into the fear. If you are afraid of dying, you'll do anything to avoid situations where you could possibly, potentially, tangentially die. You avoid talk of death, and maybe even avoid funerals.

All this avoidance only serves to make your fear bigger. When you walk up to your fear and shake its hand, you may find that the fear is groundless and not worth fearing. In that instance, you can walk right through your fear -- and not be hamstrung by it any longer. This is true when you fear another person's rage, when you fear failure, when you fear shame. Walk up to it and ask, "Why am I afraid of you? What will happen to me because of you?" Keep asking, "What happens next?" until you get to the point where you understand exactly what your fear is... and shake its hand. I promise, you will have a better chance of walking through to no-fear than if you keep avoiding what makes you fearful in the first place.

I'm 53, divorced, empty-nester. I've had a job at a non-profit but it's not fulfilling any more. My kids are gone and starting lives of their own. I have a good ten or fifteen years before I retire -- what do I do with myself?

When looking up the road, it's often useful to look back down the road we've already traveled. As your coach, I'd start by helping you assess your core values and see how you have lived them, or, perhaps subordinated them in service of some other priority. By knowing your values, you can construct a future based on them -- thereby increasing your sense of meaning and purpose. We'd also consider how much money you need to make (not want, sugar -- need, and YOU KNOW there is a difference) and how you want to live. These simple two steps put folks a long way toward what might be a surprising, meaningful, brand-new road.

I think I'm married to the wrong person. There's just no 'zing' in our marriage. He takes care of the basics but there's no romance. Whenever I ask him to do something -- like talk with me more about his feelings, or share his life with me -- he does it for a few days then goes right back into the rut. We hardly ever have sex. It almost feels like we don't have anything in common. I can't be married like this for the rest of my life! What do I do?

Simple advice: Get thee into therapy. As a coach, I've taken specialized training to help couples strengthen their marriages. I can help with tips and tactics to improve the quality of your marriage, but when you feel like this about your marriage, you are a zillion times more likely to do something you might ultimately regret (just because Stella got her groove back with a handsome young man, doesn't mean you will).

In therapy, you can voice your concerns about your marriage and learn skills and tactics to enhance your relationship. I particularly like the Imago therapy approach developed by Harville Hendrix (his Getting the Love You Want is a great book). Go to www.imagotherapy.com and search for a qualified Imago therapist in your area. Many of my clients work with me individually while also working with a couples counselor. As I mentioned above, don't throw in the towel until you've tried everything to make it work -- which includes a commitment to couples counseling.

A Peaceful, Easy Feeling

One of the biggest challenges many of my coaching clients face is making a decision. It's as if choosing one course forever closes out all other options. "What if I hate it?" they ask. "What if I make the wrong choice?" And they stay stuck in the limbo land of indecision.

Let's get this on the table: there are indeed wrong choices, from a moral perspective. But some decisions have no moral component -- in those cases there are only choices with differing consequences. We get wrapped around the axle when we think that our decisions are set in concrete, when, really, only a few of them are.

Choosing a college for your child -- does it need to be The Perfect School? Not really. I've known plenty of successful people who transferred schools and ended up with pretty darn happy lives. Does it have to be The Perfect Job? Nope. I'll bet you know someone who actually left a job and found a better one. The Perfect Marketing Campaign? With modern tracking technologies, strategies can shift instantaneously. The Perfect Couch? Who among us has only one couch for their entire life?

Very few decisions are forever. Knowing that can be liberating. And should make your decision-making a tad easier.

So, here's my method for sorting through your many opportunities and fixing on the one with the best possible consequences -- Consider It, Feel It, Do It.

Consider It: I suggest people get into a quiet place with no distractions. This immediately conjures up the lotus position for some people and their hands start to get all sweaty. It's hard to concentrate when water is pooling in your palms, don't you think? A quiet place for some people can be found in a brisk walk, driving, or repetitive physical activity -- so find the way that works for you. When you get still, review your options. Pretend you have decided on one choice. What are the consequences of making that choice? What might happen? What do you get? What do you give up? As you weigh this choice, ask yourself, "If I do this, will I be in my integrity? Does this choice support my values?" If your value is to spend more time with your spouse and children, taking a job which requires 60 hours on the road every week is not going to get you more of what you want. It's actually going to get you less. It's at this point that you have to ask yourself, "Is it true that I want to spend more time with my spouse and kids?" Whatever the response, make sure it's really speaking to your truth and integrity -- not what other folks think your values and integrity should be. When we make choices in conflict with our real integrity and values, we create tension and friction in our lives.

Feel It: Still holding the idea that you have made a choice, how does it feel in your body? In your heart? In your head? Your feelings matter, so pay attention. If you feel tension in your neck and shoulders or a big honking knot in the pit of your stomach as you consider your course, that's a big tip off that it may be the wrong direction for you to take at this time. Of course, you also have to be honest with yourself. You can talk yourself into that 60 hour a week road warrior job because the money and benefits are great, but your body will find a way to tell you that your choice is against something you value -- you'll get sick, you'll get depressed, you'll get all snippy -- and you'll know you have to make another choice.

Do It: Here's the point where you decide. I call this "Opening The Chute" -- as if you're a rodeo rider on the back of a bucking bronco. You can only mess with the rope in your hand and adjust your hat so much. At some point, you have to open the chute and take the ride. But here's the twist: you make your choice with a bit of detachment. That's right, it's just a test. While you're doing whatever you've chosen, you are testing to see if it's right. You refine your approach. You collect data about what you're doing. You keep feeling it in your body. You persist through "decider's remorse" and keep testing. If at some point your choice no longer feels right, stop. That's right. Just stop. And consider the new options that present themselves. That may mean a new job, it may mean a new school, it may mean a new marketing campaign or a new couch. And that's perfectly OK. It's simply another chance to test your decision-making skills.

Are you one of those people who equate difficulty with working hard? That is, "anything worth doing is going to be a chore?" If so, it will be a challenge for you to make a valid assessment of your tests, because you may have internalized the idea that adversity as a good thing. You may never have known the ease that comes from thoughtful decision-making. I can assure you it's out there, and once you experience it you'll never want to go back to banging your head against the wall.

When you go through the process I've outlined with each opportunity available to you, you will be able to sort through them and find the one with the most peaceful, easy feeling. That peaceful, easy feeling comes when you're in The Zone, when you're operating like a hot knife through butter. It's an effortlessness and ease of being that makes living your life a pleasure. It's living with integrity, in support of your values.

Some of us, in the deepest recesses of our soul, think, "Who am I to make decisions for myself? I'm not smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, educated enough, loved enough, or just plain enough." I ask, "Who are you not to?" You are entitled to have your own needs, preferences and feelings. Making decisions for yourself, and handling the consequences, is also your right. If you give that right away, you give away the right to create a life of your own making.

Deciding is integral to human living. Few of us are exempt. And making decisions is generally not a one-time thing. We decide about the job only to face a set of decisions about the house. We choose the school, then have to choose the major. It's a couch, then a rug. So it's important to get really, really good at it -- because mastering decision-making prevents us from getting stuck in limbo land and allows us to craft a life of our own design.

Authentically You

There was a time in my life when I said "yes" when I meant "no", and "no" when I meant "yes". Looking back, I realize I did it because that's what I thought people wanted from me. And I wanted to be the person folks wanted me to be.

I said "yes" so often that my friend Fran gave me a t-shirt which read "Stop Me Before I Volunteer Again" which I wore to the next PTA meeting. I happened to be the PTA President at the time. Excellent team building message, don't you think?

I said "yes" because saying "no" might have meant someone would be unhappy with me. It made no nevermind if I was unhappy. My own need to be liked was more important than my need to be happy.

And I was not happy. Because I was not allowing myself to be authentically Michele. I was allowing others to determine who I might be. Power, power -- who's got the power? It was anybody but me.

I just re-read a book I've learned so much from: The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson. The approach Payson takes in this book -- what living with, working with, or being raised by a narcissist does to a person's self-esteem, coping mechanisms and future relationships -- is insightful. But I got something new from my recent re-read -- the idea of self-reflection as an indicator of emotional and mental health.

People with a character disorder, such as narcissism, are incapable of self-reflection. I also think people who are sleep-walking through their lives often avoid self-reflection or self-observation because they are afraid of waking up and living fully. Maybe they are afraid of being authentically themselves.

I am here to tell you that self-reflection is the path to authentic living. When you know who you are, how you feel and what you like -- not what others want you to be, feel or like -- and you live it, that's authenticity, baby.

There's an index card on my computer monitor. On it are scratched three simple questions. For me, they are the heart of my own self-reflection.

1. Why have I drawn this experience to me at this time?
2. What is this experience trying to teach me?
3. How can I use this situation to help me be a better person?

I refer to this card so often that these three questions have become my intuitive framework, especially when I am tempted to say "yes" when I really want to say "no". The opportunity to say "no", and mean it, often comes to me when I need to remember to keep my boundaries intact. Sometimes, it comes as a chance to help maintain my priorities -- and not take responsibility for executing yours. I've learned that when I focus on executing other people's priorities, it's frequently at the expense of my own.

Every single time I say "no" when I want to say "no", I reinforce that I am a Self worth being. All by myself. Regardless of whether you like me and my answer to your request, or not. When I stand up for myself, I am standing for my own authentic Me. That is a shift from my old way of being, and it feels really good. It feels like I am expressing my true self.

And, boy howdy, I become a better person when I only say "yes" when I mean "yes". I do a better job. I'm not overcommitted. I'm more focused. I say "yes" because I really and truly want to do what's asked of me. Believe me, if I say "yes", you are going to see and feel my passion.

Being authentically me means that I honor my choices, and I honor my abilities. I'm living my passions. I'm feeling all my feelings. And expressing them. And when I'm authentically me, I make space for you to be authentically you. How? Because it's perfectly OK with me if you are mad, happy, sad, silly, loving, offbeat, generous, hurt, wacky or meditative. Because I'm all those things, too.

Help!

“I lift up my eyes to the hills – from where will my help come?” (Psalm 121) This line from the Bible has always made me think of the cavalry swooping down over a ridge in some old western movie, bugles blaring and standards waving.

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth,” is the response the Psalm gives us. No word on the cavalry.

One of my biggest problems with “self-help” is the reliance on the word “self”. There’s one big “should” there – we should pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, forge our own path, fly solo, hoe our own row and, as Fleetwood Mac so succinctly put it, “go our own way.” It’s as if asking for help is revealing a giant weakness.

What’s the benefit of flying solo? Control, yes. And self-determination. Another good one: you don’t have to share your toys. When you are on your own no one else’s opinion matters… no one can tell you you’re wrong. No one can hurt you by rejecting your ideas.

Flying solo is a way of protecting yourself. Or, in the words of another pop song, “I am a rock, I am an island. I’ve built walls, A fortress deep and mighty that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island.” (See? All those afternoons singing into my hairbrush have really paid off. And to think my parents worried about my future!)

I have seen so many women stop asking their husbands for help, especially when they have decided to step back from careers to focus on parenting. It’s as if these women feel they have to justify their decision by doing everything themselves. As a result, they feel lonely, overwhelmed, stressed out and alienated from their spouse. They have created a situation where they cannot ask for exactly what they need – help. And marriages suffer.

Gary Zukav wrote a challenging little book called The Seat of the Soul. Parts of the book are what my late cousin Libby would have called “woo-woo”, but his definition of relationship is right on: “individuals joined in equality for the purpose of spiritual growth.” What a marvelous way to phrase it.

If I am your friend, or your spouse, I am an individual committed to your spiritual growth. I truly want the best for you. I want you to grow. I want you to evolve, regardless of what that means for me.

However. The equals thing and the pursuit of growth thing may not be what you've got going on. If that's the case, maybe the reason you two don't ask for help is because you really don't want growth. Deep inside you think that if you grow you might change or your partner might change. They might not like you. You may not like them. You might leave. Or they might. That's scary. So you don't ask for help because you don't want to be abandoned. You're afraid that asking for help will reveal flaws in your relationship that may be too big to handle, so you don't ask. Sound at all familiar?

Let me tell you this: very few relationships are beyond repair -- especially if both of you want a more vibrant, loving connection. It is possible to shift away from fear and toward something more -- but you may need help to get there.

All you need to do is ask.

If you and I were in the equals-in-pursuit-of-growth kind of relationship/ friendship Gary Zukav describes, I want you to ask me for help. Not so I have a chit I can hold over your head for the rest of your stinkin’ life – but so I can help you, maybe in some small way, pursue your own personal growth.

But, if you want to know the truth, when I help you the real recipient of growth is... me. When I help you, I step out of my self-centered, narcissistic cocoon and focus externally. When I pack boxes with you, or help you with the dishes, or refer you business, or help you finally figure out your relationship with your mother, I put your needs before my own. And that is a great gift you give me. By asking for my help, you allow me to see a bigger world than I usually experience.

Zukav’s book also talks about angels, teachers and guides. This is the place he goes a little more woo-woo.

But when you think about it, it’s not so far out there.

Think about the time you had a baby on one hip, a toddler by the hand, three stuffed shopping bags and a stroller that needed folding before you got on the escalator during the Christmas shopping rush. Who stepped in and helped? Did you say, “Thank you, you're an angel!” to that guy? You sure could have. How about the woman in your first job who talked with you about suits, pantyhose and office politics? What did she teach you? And the fellow who stopped in the rain and changed your tire? Did he guide you to a moment when you were grateful and humble?

When the Psalm says, “From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth” -- remember that each of the examples above are human beings, just like you and me. If humans were indeed made in the divine image, then we all carry a spark of divinity within. You’ve got the spark, I’ve got the spark, he’s got it, she’s got it. Everybody's got it.

And your help? It comes directly from the divine spark within others.

So it’s OK to ask for help. Think of it this way: you’re doing everyone a favor! You’re appealing to our highest self, and allowing us to grow, and to touch the divine within.

Which is the essence of love. And the opposite of fear.

And not at all weak.

The Way of Transition

The seasons are changing. I can see it outside my window. There are little buds on the Japanese maple. Tulip tips are pushing up through the ground. There’s a light, warm quality to the breeze – it’s bringing spring.

I love spring. Since I can remember, spring has meant happiness. Sure, it’s my birthday in a few weeks and the kid in me loves that. But the soon-to-be 47 year old grown-up in me has a different reason for joy.

I give a class on Managing Transition. Did you know that each transition begins with an ending? Odd, but so. We end a job, or a relationship, or an old way of being. Then we enter what writer William Bridges calls The Neutral Zone. I like to think of it as the Gray Period.

In my class, I liken the Gray Period to winter. Trees look dead. Grass looks dead. It’s cold. People hunker down. There’s a certain bleak stillness to winter. But inside those lifeless looking trees and plants, plenty is going on. Within each dormant tree are the tiny little beginnings of buds waiting to burst forth.

And so it is, too, with people in transition. They endure an ending which may bring grief, change, uncertainty, immobilization. Then they hunker down in a bleak stillness, seemingly doing nothing… but inside, if they could peek, so much is growing, changing and shifting. Inside, there’s a new beginning.

The new beginning is as inevitable as Spring. A renewal. A new start. A new optimism.

When people in transition tell me there’s no hope, I usually challenge them. Saying there’s no hope is like telling me there’s no Spring! Honey, just as sure as having a birthday, there’s always a Spring.

Certainly, March can come in like a lion or a lamb – it’s an unpredictable month. And transition is equally unpredictable. One can never know the look and shape of a new beginning, nor can we know how it will impact our lives. And perhaps that’s what people who voice “no hope” are trying to address. It’s not that there’s no hope – it’s just that there’s no control.

Control is such an overrated thing. I have a book on my desk (which I’ve not yet read), called A Perfect Mess by Eric Abrahamson and David Freedman which posits that disorder can spark creativity. On the book jacket (which I have read), it says, “Though it flies in the face of almost universally accepted wisdom, moderately disorganized people, institutions, and systems frequently turn out to be more efficient, more resilient, more creative, and in general more effective than highly organized ones…”

In my work I've found that those who approach the Gray Period with a certain level of uncertainty, disorder and, most importantly, openness, have a better opportunity to find a novel or creative approach which often sparks their new beginning.

On an episode of The Simpsons, Homer was, once again, out of a job. His daughter Lisa was going through the want ads, looking for a job for her dad. “Dad, here’s one,” she said. “Wanted: a technical supervisor.” “Oh, Lisa,” Homer whined. “I could never do that job. I’m not a technical supervisor, I’m a supervising technician!”

The Gray Period is a time for seeing connections – to see how a technical supervisor can become a supervising technician. How an at-home mom can become a business owner. How a lawyer can become a non-profit executive. How an engineer can become a clergywoman. How a suddenly motherless woman can learn to nurture herself. How down-sizing, or divorce, or even death, can be the best thing that ever happened to you.

And that’s where I find joy. I utterly embrace transition in all its messy splendor. I welcome it for the hope it engenders in me. Because I know that for every ending, there is a new beginning. Every. Single. Time. It may not feel possible in the middle of your own personal Gray Period, but, believe me, Spring is there -- just waiting to burst forth.

How will you know when your Gray Period has ended? My friend, when you feel the warm breeze blowing across your face, and see the trees bud, and tulip tops poking up, you will know. You have a new start. You have Spring. Even if your new beginning comes in a month other than March.

Wikification

I got a question from a charming man this week, which prompted a choo-choo train of thought. Which, of course, I will share with you.

This intelligent, thoughtful man asked, “How can corporations navigate the new political waters?”

Good question.

I believe we are in the midst of a significant shift in the way everything is organized – from political life to corporate life to consumer behavior to personal action. As Steve Jobs said in his 2005 commencement address to Stanford students, it’s very hard to connect the dots looking forward, but much easier when you look back.

Looking back over the past several years, I see a clear trend toward what I call “Wikification”. You know Wikipedia? It’s the online encyclopedia which anyone in the world can add to, edit or revise. Over the last few years, it’s become the largest encyclopedia ever developed, and it’s increasingly the encyclopedia of record. In fact, the New York Times says over 100 U.S. judicial decisions have relied on Wikipedia since 2004.

Wikipedia broadens the scope of people who are involved in a process. Rather than a long, laborious, closed process by select scholars, the Wikipedia is a relatively swift, open collaboration by a wide spectrum of experts.

And who are those experts? Why, you and me.

Similarly, you have become the expert on what you listen to. Remember 20 years ago when you could only listen to Top 40, oldies, classical or acid rock on the radio? Today, thanks to IPods, satellite radio and the Internet, you can make your own playlist and listen to whatever you want. Many people don't even listen to AM or FM radio any more. And as a result, some radio broadcasters have seen their revenue decline up to 50%.

Likewise, the recording industry has changed. It used to be that an artist could not get heard unless he had a contract with a major label. Now, however, an artist can get his or her start on the Internet and parlay that into sales and performing gigs. Record labels have folded, or suffered huge layoffs – and their profits have declined significantly.

You have to have three data points to see a trend, so let me give you another. Publishing. Remember how we used to say how hard it was to get a book published? Not so today. Why? Because you can publish a book with a service like Lulu.com and not split a cent of your profits with an agent or publishing house. The authors I have talked to recently suggest this is the way to get their work to the public – to bypass the publishing gatekeepers and keep the profits for themselves.

Just one more to make the point. Remember when we had three TV networks? If a story led the evening news, it led the national discussion. If the story were biased or incomplete or otherwise flawed, we had few ways to discover the truth. Now, however, viewership of the evening news has radically declined, and a plethora of news outlets exist. Indeed, the challenge for news consumers today is sifting through the many voices for what resonates as true. But the diversity of opinion, I believe, leads to a deeper understanding.

And that, my friends, is the trend. We are bypassing the gatekeepers. More and more, you are becoming your own gatekeeper. You are deciding what you listen to, what you read, what you watch, what you do.

What does this mean for the former gatekeepers? Beside sheer panic, there are a couple of things. First, no more wholesale, one-size-fits-all mindset. People want one-to-one relationships. They want respect for their own niche, their own interests.

Second, former gatekeepers need to shift from the “telling” posture (“We will tell you what you can like”) to the “listening” posture (“Tell me what you’d like.”) If gatekeepers fail to listen to their customers and clients, they will continue to develop products and services too macro – and find that demand is just not there.

Third, collaboration is key. A dialogue with customers, clients and users is vital. I can see a time when most companies host their own discussion boards so customers can provide instant input on products and services, allowing businesses to tweak or alter product lines – leading to greater success.

The problem many gatekeepers have with this new trend is a loss of power. Rather than a powerful individual or organization making a market, the market is made organically. It's a diffusion of power, placing a chunk of it in many hands. And the former gatekeeper ignores this at his or her own peril. Those who continue with top-down approaches will find themselves either left behind or chasing dwindling markets.

So far, I’ve talked about business and not politics, but the trend is clear there, too. When Barack Obama raised a crowd of 20,000 by a single post on Facebook.com, I stood up and took notice. Once again, he spoke to a niche which might have been overlooked by the old gatekeepers.

Just like businesses, politicians need to adopt the listening posture, and stop telling. They, too, need to seek and use the expert advice of their constituents. They need to collaborate – with their colleagues as well as with their constituents. No more secret earmarks, no more smoke and mirrors. No more top-down approaches. No more power-grabbing. No more wholesale politics. No more business as usual.

Because the way of business has changed.

How To Get What You Want

Have you heard about The Secret? It’s a book developed from a movie – and it’s got incredible buzz. It’s sold 1.7 million copies since Thanksgiving. When it was featured on Oprah's TV show February 8th of this year, viewers almost crashed her website seeking more information.

The idea behind The Secret is not a new one – I’m going to tell you The Secret right now, so stop reading if you don’t want to know it -- it’s this: You can get anything you want. If you just ask and believe, you will receive.

This idea has been around since man first sparked flint against stone. Some people call it The Power of Positive Thinking, some people call it Cosmic Ordering, some people call it Intention Setting, some call it the Attractor Factor, and some folks just call it prayer. The gist is that you can draw positive things to you by your intention and attitude.

The people behind The Secret are truly marketing geniuses – they’ve reworked an ancient idea and made it a multi-million dollar fad. But I’m afraid some folks using The Secret are going to be disappointed.

Because it’s not just the asking that’s important. You have to know why you’re asking in the first place.

I have to disclose that I believe strongly in the power of visualization, intention setting and attracting what you want. In fact, I do it regularly. And it works. My method is a little different from The Secret, and I’ll share it with you now. It won’t cost you a nickel.

Michele's Secret: just Center, Seek, Visualize, Request, continue to Visualize, and you will Receive.

So, first, you have to find your Center. That means you have to get in the place where you do your best, clearest thinking. For some, it may be a quiet meditative spot. Some may find taking a brisk walk or a run conducive to thought. Others might choose the perennial favorite, the shower (as in “I do my best thinking in the shower!”). Some people find Zen in folding laundry. Whatever. Just get yourself clear and focused.

Then, Seek. The Seeking phase is where you ask yourself “What do I want?” For me, this question has two parts: “What do I want more of that I already have?” and, “What do I want that I don’t have?”

Let’s say you Center and Seek and come up with: I want a Mercedes-Benz. If you stop right there and ask the Universe for a Mercedes-Benz, I have to tell you – you’re probably not going to get it. Before you Request, you have to know why you want a Mercedes.

If you answer, “I want a Mercedes because then everyone will know I’m rich and can afford a car like that”, then you are coming from a place of ego and the Universe doesn’t reward ego-based desires. Sorry. An intention that can only be fulfilled by hurting someone else is likewise a no go. So no intentions around your ex getting hit by falling space debris. Bummer.

If you pursue the idea “If I have a Mercedes, everyone will know I’m rich” down to the core, you might find that what you seek is affirmation – and that's what you truly need to attend to. The car is just a dodge from the real problem.

However, if when you Seek you come up with, “I want a Mercedes because they are well-built vehicles and a ton of fun to drive,” then that is a pure intention. How do you know it’s pure? Simple. If the result you desire is just for you, doesn't harm anyone and doesn't involve any other person's perception of you, then you aren't coming from ego.

And don’t think you can say one thing and really mean another – the key to this whole deal is aligning your intention at your deepest level of mind and spirit. An ego-based intention, even if it’s unspoken, will never get you what you want.

After you Center and Seek, you Visualize. We know visualization works in sports, we know it works in business. It also works in regular old life. So, Visualize sitting in your Mercedes. What’s the seat feel like? How is the steering wheel under your fingers? What’s the engine sound like?At this point, I also ask myself, “What do I need to attract into my life to get this?” If you want that Mercedes, you may have to attract reasonable financing, or a windfall, or a pay boost. If you want deep meaningful intimate relationships, you may need to attract thoughtful, open and loving people into your life.

Then, you Request. When I Request, I usually write it down. I express gratitude for what I have, and ask for what I want. In my case, I am asking God – and you can ask God, too, however you happen to perceive God. You can also release your desire to the Universe, to nothingness, to your guardian angel, to Jackie Chan. Whatever organizes the world for you.

After you Request, you keep Visualizing what it will be like to get what you want. You hold that powerful visualization in your mind and you keep touching base with it, throughout the days and weeks to come.

And, believe it or not, you will Receive what you want..

“Pshaw.” That’s what I hear a reader from Pennsylvania saying. “What a bunch of hooey.”

OK, I can prove this works. On Tuesday, February 20, 2007, I did this exercise. I came up with four things I want in my life. I will share two of them. I asked for support of my financial goals by sending me clients who I can help. I also asked for help expressing myself through my writing and speaking.

By the time I went to bed on Wednesday, February 21, 2007, I had: three new clients; two clients who paid me for work done in December and January; one new speaking engagement; and, four good leads on publishing.

Coincidence? Maybe. But it sure as shootin' happened. And it’s not the first time. Center, Seek, Visualize, Request, continue to Visualize and, then, you will Receive.

Exciting, isn’t it? What would happen if you gave it a try? What would happen if you actually asked for what you want?

Why you just might get it.

The Company You Keep

My first job after college was working for a beer company. Yep, I was hired to take on the onerous duty of selling beer to college students. Such hard work! For undertaking this major, heavy-lifting responsibility, I got a company car, an expense account, tickets to major sporting events all over the Pacific Northwest and all the gimme t-shirts a girl could want.

Nice work if you can get it, believe me.

At the time, and probably even today, the beer industry was dominated by men. I can’t tell you how many times I was the only woman in the room. It was a guy business, run by guys, governed by guy rules – and I sure learned to play by guy rules.

Which meant I swore like a sailor.

Everywhere I went – every warehouse, every meeting, every bar, every grocery store – people were using swear words. They were used as adjectives. As nouns. As verbs. Even as dangling participles.

I swam in an ocean of obscenity. And I took to it like a fish to water.

Imagine my surprise when, in my next job, I let go a stream of what I considered normal, creative invective and the room fell deadly quiet. Guess what? My new colleagues didn’t swear. I felt like a fish out of water. A fish with a potty mouth.

Group dynamics certainly govern our behavior. What’s acceptable to one crowd may be completely unacceptable to another. The trick is to find a group which supports that which is best in us – rather than a group that appeals to, how shall I say it? Our baser instincts.

There’s a public service announcement on TV now which shows a stick figure lounging in a window, smoking a joint. He offers a hit to the dog. The dog declines the opportunity. The stick figure says, “I feel bad about what I’m doing. If you did it with me, I’d feel less bad.” Maybe the dog’s name is B-I-N-G-O, because that’s what I felt like saying when I saw the ad. Bingo! People who feel bad about what they are doing need me to do it, too, so they can feel less bad.

In her book Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass suggests that one of the ways to affair-proof your marriage is to associate with people who are not only friends of marriage in general, but friends of your marriage in particular. In fact, Dr. Glass’ research shows that associating with people who are in affairs, or who condone, support or encourage affairs, increases the likelihood that your marriage will end in divorce.

It’s like a new norm is invented by the company you keep. If everyone swears, then it’s normal to swear. If everyone takes office supplies home, then it’s not stealing – it’s actually OK to put that Xerox copier in your pocketbook and haul it home. If people are rewarded for swindling clients, then clients get swindled. If everyone is cheating on their spouse, then it’s not cheating, really – it’s fun, it’s cool, it’s how the game is played. It may be unethical, but it's the norm. And when you live unethically, day in and day out, your self-esteem erodes.

That’s why finding your “tribe” of like-minded friends is vitally important to your marriage, to your workplace, to your happiness -- to your sense of self.

Friends help you be your best self. They support your personal growth, are objective and appropriately affirming. I say “appropriately” because it would be perfectly fine with me if a friend were less than affirming – especially if I had wandered off on some weird track that was not really that good for me. Like if I were spending day after day in my jammies eating junk food, not bathing, muttering to myself and watching back-to-back Rachel Ray shows. Some people call that “bad”. Other people call it “March, 2004.”

Moving on.

Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite spiritual writers,defined love as making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. My kids’ pediatrician has a framed print on his wall, “Let him be left-handed if that’s how he’s made.” Love, then, is letting someone be left-handed. Or gassy. Or opinionated. Or a Rachel Ray fan.

But being a friend also means you have the obligation to raise the impact of their negative or destructive behaviors with them.

The moment to evaluate a friendship is when, in the process of your friend fully being themselves, you find that you cannot be fully yourself. If their full expression is hurtful, dangerous or negative to you, you have every right to say something and to lovingly detach – to give them a ton of safe space to be themselves.

Alcoholics often find that they need new friends after sobriety, because many of their old friends consciously or sub-consciously promote drinking. That’s one reason why recovering alcoholics get sponsors – the sponsor is the beginning of a new social network, one which supports healthy, affirming activities, yet is lovingly supportive when the person in recovery slips back into hurtful habits. The sponsor creates a positive space for the alcoholic to be fully himself.

Toxic friendships are often based on being in a negative space together. How do you know if you're in one? If you feel used, you're probably being used. If you feel demeaned and belittled, then you're not in a situation which helps you grow. If you feel you can't be fully yourself with your friends, then you definitely haven't found your tribe. Relationships like this are not about growth or overcoming or affirmation. Rather, these friendships serve to keep all participants down, so nothing and no one has to change. They exist so other people won't feel so bad.

When eyes open and one person begins to grow, however, these friendships end because what they’re built on is not solid. And that's OK. Because when you're out of a bad situation, you have the chance to find a good one.

Look at your friendships. Do they support you? Do they affirm you? Do they reflect your values, your ethics, your best self? If they do, then congratulations.

You’ve found your tribe.

Thinner Peace

A few weeks ago I wrote about Being Perfect. One of the common ways many of us strive for perfection is in our weight or body shape. We think: If only I could lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, then life would be perfect. Truth? If you did lose 10-20-30-40 pounds, you'd just be skinner... with the same old problems.

This pursuit of perfection is endless -- and those of us in pursuit often pay a high emotional and psychological toll. It's like this: we weigh too much, so we can never be enough. That is a stuck mindset. It's a limiting place. It's no fun. It really hurts.

It's time for the anguish and suffering to stop.

It’s time for Thinner Peace.

Among the clatter of competing weight loss approaches, arrives leading life coach, author, O Magazine columnist and friend of mine, Dr. Martha Beck. In The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace, Martha provides a funny, thoughtful, erudite, practical approach to losing and maintaining your best body size. It's a diet book for all of us who think diet is a four-letter word.

Even if you don’t usually buy diet books, don't you think you'd love a book with chapters like “Eat Whatever The Hell You Want”, "How To Stop Eating When You Can't Stop Eating" and "How Not To Be A Big Fat Liar"?

What I love about this book is that Martha gives a thorough, intelligent explanation of how the mind works (would you expect anything less from a gal with three degrees from Harvard?) -- and bases her approach on cutting edge research. She tells you not only “how” – but gets you to understand the all important “why”. You’ll find out how traditional diet programs based on deprivation, willpower and suffering work on our minds and help us stay heavy.

Martha undertook this work in as a consultant to Jenny Craig, to help them better understand the psychological aspects of weight loss. Her key finding, after working with plenty of Jenny Craig clients as well as her own private coaching clients, is this: when you set up a famine situation in your brain, you are undermining your ability to lose weight. Psychologically, when you say, "I cannot have even one cookie. If I have a cookie, I will be bad. I will have no willpower and be a loser if I eat just one cookie. Nope, no cookies for me!" – you actually program yourself to only think about what you're missing: cookies. And if you have the opportunity, you'll satisfy your cookie famine with a cookie binge.

I know that where I put my attention will grow more central to my life. Martha’s approach plays on the same idea. If you focus on what you can’t do, can’t eat, can’t be, you’ll be stuck there and won’t even be aware of what you can do, can eat or can be.

Martha suggests that we have three aspects of our consciousness: the impulsive overeater in all of us is our Wild Child; the Dictator is the punishing, judgmental part. To really achieve Thinner Peace, you have to take the third way -- you have to be The Watcher. The Watcher expresses loving kindness toward the recklessness of the Wild Child as well as the demands of the Dictator, but asks "why" frequently. Why does the Wild Child want the ice cream sundae? Why is the Dictator punishing me for having a french fry? It's the Watcher who is forgiving, self-loving and self-nurturing. And in charge.

For most people, this shift away from having the Wild Child or Dictator rule the roost is a significant move. The reason your diet has not worked in the past is because you’ve been ruled by impulse or guilt. You have eaten to soothe your emotions. But under the Watcher, you can be in a loving, caring, responsible position. And the Watcher helps you lose weight because you are free to just be – and eat when your body tells you you’re hungry. If you’re sad, the Watcher will notice that and turn your attention to lifting your mood with something other than food.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the book, and a good indication of why I gush about Martha Beck: “Almost all of us assume there's only one way to lose weight: by willpower, by white-knuckle resistance, by forcing the body with an aggressive, adversarial, disciplinarian mind. This can be achieved sometimes, though not often. Maintaining it long-term? I don't think it can be done. I've seen numerous clients deploy incredible discipline, using their Dictator selves to trap, dominate, and starve their Wild Child selves. Losing weight this way is as draining as keeping a violent criminal pinned to the floor with sheer force. But even if you manage to do it, you can't hold your own Wild Child in a hammerlock for the rest of your life. The minute you get tired, distracted or sick, the Dictator loses control, and the Wild Child goes into a feeding frenzy.

"That's the whole reason I wrote this book. Simply going on a diet program, without changing your mental set, causes backlash and weight gain. This is an inevitable reality, based on the way our brains and bodies are designed. But if you use 4-day win techniques to become a Watcher and bring yourself to Thinner Peace, your brain changes, as well as your body. Weight loss happens without backlash or resistance."

Thinner Peace. Count me in. Because it's time for the war to stop.