The Sacrifice of Veterans

Living in the Washington, DC area as I do, I'm surrounded by icons of our nation's history. Nearly every day I cross the Potomac River and am greeted by the majestic Lincoln Memorial, with the Washington Monument obelisk just behind it, the stately Jefferson Memorial off to the right. Out of habit I look to the Capitol Dome -- if it's lit, I know that Congress is in session. The Iwo Jima Memorial is a favorite -- my father's apartment has overlooked it for at least twenty years -- and each of the sculpted men straining to plant the flag is like an old friend.

Whenever I see these monuments I try not to take them for granted. I try to remember that I feel lucky and blessed to live in this country. Every once in a while, I am reminded that not all the monuments in this town are so easily seen.

A few years ago, I took my kids to lunch at a McDonald's near their school. We pulled in and noticed a van unloading some young men in hospital scrubs. This being a big city, we didn't pay too much attention. I did notice that the guys were young, scrubbed, with short haircuts -- and giddy like kids.

It wasn't until we were inside, in line, that I could read one of the young men's t-shirt. It said: "Don't touch me here -- bullet hole." And, "Please don't hug me -- broken rib!" He had circled areas and notes all over his front, and his back. All four of the young men had similar markings on their shirts, and pants.

That's when I realized -- these were wounded soldiers. Recovering soldiers. Not much older than my son. Happy as all get out to be away from Walter Reed Army Hospital for just a few minutes. Happy to just be standing there, ordinary guys, ordering a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and fries.

Just a few weeks ago, I was shopping for groceries and noticed a woman -- model tall, polished ponytail, a little bit younger than me, Ingrid Bergman cheekbones. That alone would have caused me to notice her. But she was wearing a runner's prosthesis on her right leg, and her left leg was pockmarked by small, healing wounds from her ankle to the hem of her runner's shorts. Shrapnel wounds, I guessed. I weighed the idea that it could have been a car accident. But the way she carried herself? Like a soldier. That's when I knew how she'd been hurt.

For a moment, I didn't know how to manage my own feelings. I wanted to offer to push her cart because that wasn't easy for her, or to pay for her groceries, or at least tell her I appreciated her sacrifice.

Because I haven't sacrificed very much during this war, to be honest. Unlike my grandmother, I haven't had to do without, save ration coupons, worry about loved ones serving. No, I've had it pretty easy.

And this woman in the grocery store -- she lost that leg doing something I did not do. She served and she sacrificed. I followed her for a few minutes, wondering if I should say something, wondering if she wanted to talk about it. Wondering if calling attention to her would be the right thing or the wrong thing to do.

In the end, I did nothing. Nothing more than say a silent, grateful prayer for her and her family. With hopes that her external and internal wounds will heal.

On this Veteran's Day, let's remember the men and women of the past who have served our country since the Revolutionary War, but let's take special note -- and special care -- of those who are serving today.

Their sacrifice is its own towering monument to our country. And for that, I am grateful.

The Absence of Perfect

I struggled with writing today. I couldn't find the perfect opening sentence -- the one line that would grab you and compel you to read on. The perfectly turned phrase. An ideal piece of writing that you would remember forever, and forward to your friends and family with a tear in your eye and a lump in your throat. The Great American Blog.

I just couldn't get there. I had writer's block. I was stuck.

So, I asked myself one of my favorite questions, "In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?"

In the absence of the perfect intro, my options were a) to not write anything, b)to just write something, c) to go shopping.

Just for the record, I chose b). As appealing as c) was. And I got unstuck.

When you're stuck in any aspect of your life, ask yourself the same question, "In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?"

Being stuck is tough. Going neither forward, nor back -- just standing in place, watching the world whirl by. Removed. Stuck.

Pursuit of perfection often leads to stuck-ness. "I can't have guests until my house is perfect" or "I have to finish my MBA before I can apply for a new job" or "I guess I'm still single because I'm just too picky" -- all statements in pursuit of perfection. All statements which keep us stuck.

Shooting for the ideal is what we're taught from the time we're dandled on grandma's knee. "Don't settle! Hold onto your dreams! You can be anything you want to be!" But the dark side to what your grandma told you is that sometimes holding on to the ideal prevents you from doing anything at all.

Which is safe. But stuck.

When I pursue perfection, I limit my vision to only that which corresponds to my narrow vision of "perfect". According to advertisers, the perfect solution for any single woman is a hunky, hairless, pouting, slightly sweating guy who stares vaguely into the distance. Were I to hold on to that ideal, I would miss the OK-looking, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, slightly hairy available guy who would be a good partner for me.

Perfection is elusive. It's a soap bubble of joy. It only exists when we're not blowing too hard. Perfection is in the spontaneous hug of a four year old. It's in the kindness of strangers. It's there in a great big belly laugh. It's in the last place you'd expect to find it.

Perfection ceases to exist the harder you look for it.

So, when holding out for the ideal prevents you from actually living your life, and keeps you stuck, know your options. Choose one that will enlarge your experience and allow you to grow.

When you do, you'll stop being stuck. It'll be perfect.

Email Triage

Week before last I wrote about In-box Management and while many of you liked my highly figurative example of dealing with the spam between your ears, most of you would like tips to deal with the actual deluge of email you have to face on a daily basis.

I am glad to oblige. Let's get started.

The problem with email is twofold. First, there's too much of it in your in-box (we'll call that "inflow") and, second, you have to decide what to do with it ("outflow").

In medicine, "triage" is used to identify and manage the most acute cases, those in need of immediate attention. Guess what? Triage can also be used to manage your email effectively. All you have to do is identify what's most important, and deal with that first. Sounds simple enough, right?

Here are three tips to triage Inflow:

1) Have three different email accounts. One is your primary business email account. This is the account on your business card, and the one you give to professionals with whom you network. Your second account is for personal use -- this is the one you give your mother, your aunt Suzy, your layout cousin Frank and others. The third account is the one you use for online ordering, online games, online quizzes, whatever. This third account is your spam magnet, and will draw most of the junk. Then, you can spend quality time on your business email, some time on the family email and little or no time on the junk email.

2) Use email folders. Many email programs will allow you to change your settings so that email from a specific sender, or containing specific keywords, can be automatically directed into a folder. For instance, if you are working on a project with Tom Smith, you can specify that all messages containing his email address go into a Tom Smith folder. That makes staying on top of the project a breeze! Likewise, you can make all email containing Words You Would Have Gotten Smacked For Using In Front Of Your Mother go right into the trash. Setting up a priority system with your email folders can help you spend time on what's acutely important, and save the marginally important for another time.

3) Don't read your email all day long. It's a trap to have your email browser open all the time. If you are old enough, you remember when fax machines first hit the office. In my office, every time the fax machine signaled it had an incoming message the entire team gathered around to watch it come through. Who would it be for? What would it say? How important I would be if the fax was for ME! Over time, the novelty of faxes wore off (thank goodness), and we settled down to work. Today, the omnipresence of incoming messages means there is little time to actually think, or create, or evaluate. I suggest you check your email first thing in the morning, mid-day, at the end of the day. I know, I know -- you work in a culture that prizes always being available. Well, that's an awful lot like standing around watching a fax come in. Think of it this way: setting boundaries around reading your email gives you time to actually work!

Now, to Outflow. In my Stress Management class, I give a series of questions to ask when feeling stressed about a task. The very same questions can be applied to your email: Can I eliminate this? Can I do it another time? Can someone else do it?

Back in the dark ages (even before the fax machine, if you can believe it) there was an organizational school of thought best summed up by the phrase: "Touch it once." The idea being that a letter came in through the in-box on your desk (how quaint) and the goal was to touch it once -- read it and decide whether it needed to be filed, thrown out or acted upon. If it needed to be acted upon, you decided that before you put the paper down -- you wrote someone else's name on it and put it in the out-box, you called someone on the telephone to deal with it, or you wrote a new memo suggesting a meeting to settle the matter. Whatever you did, you didn't let paper hang around your in-box.

That's a good rule of thumb with virtual paper, too. Don't use your email in-box as a filing cabinet. Read the message; decide to do something with it or delete it; delegate it to someone else; call a meeting; print it out and post it anonymously on the employee bulletin board. Whatever you do, just touch it once, do something, and let it go.

The immediacy of email creates a false sense of importance. Only you can triage your email -- only you can decide what's important and needs immediate attention, and what's less critical and can wait. Many things clamor for your attention during the day -- honey, if you don't decide what matters, the clamor decides for you.

And the clamor doesn't always know what's best for you.

How To Like What You Do

Susan's complaining about her job. Oh, no, she likes her work -- she's just not crazy about the people she's working with. She's in a high-pressure, high-performance field where you "eat what you kill" -- in other words, she's paid a percentage of the contracts she closes.

The more we talk, it's apparent that Susan's frustrated because no one in the office is interested in working on projects with anyone else. No one refers Susan clients. No one comes to the parties she throws. People poach each other's support staff. She's never worked in a place like this and she's thinking about leaving.

I recommended Susan take the Myers-Briggs assessment. "But that's just for teams!" she blurted. "What can it do for an individual?" [note blatant set up here, which neatly introduces the subject I really want to write about!]

Back in the early 1920s, Katharine Cook Briggs discovered the work of pioneering psychologist Carl Jung. Katharine had been doing her own independent research on personality -- hoping to devise a tool to identify personality differences so that people could understand themselves and others -- and in Jung's theories found a workable personality type framework.

Katharine, the daughter of a college professor, had been home-schooled, so she home-schooled her own daughter, Isabel, in the same manner. In time, Isabel Briggs Myers -- armed with just a bachelor's degree, her mother's insights and her own determined curiosity -- developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

I love the idea that a mother and her daughter, working together, developed such a useful and insightful tool. They encountered resistance from the academic community who scoffed at their indicator -- they had no training, no credentials! Who did these women think they were?!

Katharine and Isabel, mother and daughter, weathered that storm. Eighty-some years after Katharine began her research, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is the the most widely used personality assessment in the world.

You may have taken the MBTI at some point -- and found your personality type represented by four letters, E or I, S or N, T or F, P or J. Sound at all familiar? There are sixteen possible combinations. You have a preference for either Extroversion or Introversion. You either Sense or Intuit. You Think or you Feel. You Perceive or you Judge.

"But," you say with a tiny whimper, "I am both Extroverted and Introverted. It depends on the situation." You are absolutely right. Jung theorized that, at our best, we know when it's appropriate to be Introverted and Extroverted, to Sense or to Intuit, and so on. The MBTI gets to what our innate preference is, regardless of which we may use in a particular situation.

Let's try an example of preference. Cross your arms across your chest. Note which arm is on top. Now, switch your arms so that the top arm is on the bottom. How's that feel? Awkward? Bet so. You have a marked preference for how you cross your arms, just as you have marked preferences for the way you see the world.

Neat, huh?

People with particular preferences tend to cluster in the same kind of field. Studies have shown, for instance, that people who choose the military have similar personality types -- hierarchical, traditional, practical -- and that makes sense, doesn't it? Similarly, people in the nursing field tend to have similar personality characteristics -- concerned with people, empathetic, open to solutions. Each type brings its own strengths and shortcomings, which naturally lend themselves to success or difficulty in particular fields.

After she took the Myers-Briggs assessment, I pointed out to Susan that one of the main problems might be that her type (ESFJ) has a strong preference for belonging. It's important that she feel part of a team, that she work in a hierarchy with known roles and an objective system for promotion. That means she might not fit in with an organization that values and rewards autonomous lone wolves. To be happier in her career, she can 1) bring more belongingness into her current workplace, or 2) find a workplace that fosters belonging.

Her eyes opened with understanding, and her path forward became a little clearer. And that's what Myers-Briggs is all about. Understanding yourself, and understanding those around you, so that you can be more effective and clear. Sure, MBTI is great for teams -- and [shameless self-plug warning] I'm happy to come into your workplace to deliver a knockout program that will help your team become more efficient, communicate better, solve interpersonal problems and retain employees -- but simply knowing and understanding your own personality type, and how it shapes your joys and your struggles, can be an eye-opening experience.

In-box Management

Like most folks, I have a couple of different email in-boxes. One's more for work, one's more for fun, and one seems to be the catchall for hundreds of spam messages. That's right, hundreds -- every day.

I get messages for products -- how do I put this delicately -- to enhance the size and prowess of a particular body part that's not a standard equipment on the female form. From these messages, I have learned that this particular body part requires quite a lot tending, in terms of medication, cremes, patches and powders. I had no idea. Always seemed rather straightforward to me: Stimulus. Response. Done.

Oh, and I get many touching messages from lonely young women who'd like to show me their pictures, dear things.

I had no idea that I had so many kinsmen who die in Africa, Latin America and China, leaving immense fortunes which can be mine if I cooperate with certain widowed wives of former dignitaries of said nations.

People write daily to sell me OEM software, whatever that is, and "genuine replica watches". Let's see, it's "genuine" and "replica" -- sounds surprisingly like "fake".

The other day I received a message from the unfortunately named "Cosimo Kiang", who wanted to give me $500, just for clicking a button. Where do they manufacture these names, anyway? Throwing darts at a phone book?

Every couple of days, I scan through these messages looking for an authentic message from a real person asking me a real question. This trolling and culling takes too much of my time, and I always worry that I've overlooked or deleted something of real importance.

I hate spam. It sucks my time and attention and gets me all distracted and fidgety.

But you know what? The deluge of stupid, time-wasting, ridiculous messages is not restricted to my email in-box. Nope, I get plenty of spam addressed to one other mailbox I sort through regularly -- the in-box between my ears.

You know these kinds of spam messages: Be thinner. Be younger. Be older. Be smoother. Be tougher. Be gentler. Be taller. Be sexier. Be buff. Be wealthy. Be #1. Be as self-sacrificing as Mother Teresa.

In short: Be something other than what you are.

The spam between my ears doesn't help me live my best possible life. It clogs me up, paralyzes me, helps me feel inadequate and unsuccessful. So, I've taken to sorting through and culling those messages, too. The good news is that I've finally arrived at the place where I receive the message, decide whether it's something to pay attention to or not, then click that old delete button.

So satisfying.

If you have a ton of spam in the in-box between your ears, maybe it's time to do a major purge. Better yet, set some filters so the most annoying, time consuming, distracting messages go to the trash before you ever see them!

The best messages are those that lift you up, reinforce the best part of you, remind you what makes you uniquely wonderful, prompt you to live authentically, and allow you to change that which holds you back.

The rest? A spam-like waste of time.

In The Rearview Mirror

It's been a year since I began writing this weekly blog. A year! And what a year it's been.

Looking back, I certainly have referred to pop music -- in A Peaceful Easy Feeling, Risky Business and, of course, Funk Sway.

I've written about tragedy in We Are Virginia Tech, When Times Are Tough and Changing Through Crisis.

I've spent time talking about workplace issues with The Best Job Interview Question Ever, Getting Back To Work and Extreme Jobs.

I've written about books, like the best-seller called The Secret, in How To Get What You Want, and other great books in Forgiveness and The Power of Discipline.

One of the most popular columns I've produced is Fight or Flight? Or Mend and Tend. Believe it or not, this piece is read nearly every day by someone in the world.

Because I have readers in Singapore and Moldova. Ireland and Italy. South Africa and India. The breadth of geography is astounding. But most of you readers are living somewhere between Alaska and Florida, and I thank you kindly for your time.

Do I have a favorite column? Not really -- they're all my little brainchildren and, like a doting mother, I can't pick one I like best. When I re-read my columns, I remember what was going on at the time, how I felt, how a client felt, what the day was like. So, for me, each column is its own time capsule.

Folks ask me, "Where do you get the ideas you write about?" Sometimes it's a theme which emerges from several coaching clients in one week, or it's something I'm working on getting in my own life. Many of you pass on ideas, and you've saved my bacon more than once -- so keep your suggestions coming!

What have I not written on in the last year that needs attention? Well, let's see... Katharine Briggs and her daughter Isabel Myers, and what they accomplished. How teenagers provide excellent role models. Spam. The link between self-knowledge and beauty. What to do when your boss is a jerk. How to be heard. And, in the words of the pop poet, Kenny Rogers, when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

So, another year beckons. Stick with me, will you?

Mind Your Own Business

Imagine you're a business owner. Say you have a restaurant and you do a fair business, but you could always use more customers and revenue. One day a guy walks in and asks if you cater. You think a moment and say to yourself, "Well, food's food. I guess I can cater" and, voila! You've got a new line of business -- you're a caterer.

Imagine another person comes in to the restaurant and says, "Charlie, you're a capable person and I like you a lot. Can I pay you to wallpaper my bathroom?"

Now, wait a second. Catering is to restaurant, as wallpapering is to...what?

This is exactly the moment many small business owners get off track. Especially when money's short. A client requests something that's not particularly in your sweet spot, but you do it, thinking, "Gotta get me some money." The end result: you spend less time on your business, it suffers and, voila! You have less money.

Saying no is hard. It's particularly hard to say no to earning money when you really need the cash. But think about it this way: saying no frees up your time to earn money building your business and doing more of what you like.

How do you know if what you're being offered is a new, lucrative business opportunity or just a waste of time? Glad you asked. Here are my Three Handy Things To Ask Yourself When Offered a Business Opportunity (catchy title, huh?):

What Do I Want For My Business? As a restaurateur, I want to offer good, well-prepared meals to people at fair prices. [Just as an aside, this is the quick and easy question anyone can ask themselves to come up with a mission statement -- you just saved yourself thousands in consulting fees.]

Will This Opportunity Help Build My Business or Not? Catering allows the restaurateur to continue to offer good, well-prepared meals to people at fair prices. It's only the delivery system that changes. However, wallpapering doesn't allow the fulfillment of his mission statement in any way, shape or form.

How Do I Feel About This Opportunity? If you feel conflicted or uneasy or downright icky about it, use the Force, Luke, and listen to your feelings. If you feel uneasy before it even starts, imagine how you'll feel when six months go by and you're not cooking any meals -- just endlessly wallpapering bathrooms.

And, you're saying to me, I don't own my own business. This is not relevant to me. Oh, really?

Most of us face moments when we are offered something that we could do, but aren't sure if we should do. I'm suggesting that my Three Handy Things To Ask Yourself can be used whenever you need to evaluate doing something new.

What do I want for my life? Will this help me grow, or not? How do I feel about this?

Whenever you need to sort out options, and feel... oh, overwhelmed or uncertain or just plain icky, take the time to remember what it is you set out to do -- then, feel free to say yes or no.

Standard Operating Procedure

The military invented the idea of Standard Operating Procedure. When in doubt, default to the SOP and, by taking the specified steps, your outcome will be exactly as the SOP predicts.

In my time in government, I came to think "SOP" really stood for "Same Old Plan". The Same Old Plan keeps things safe and comfortable -- and the outcome predictable.

Which is OK.

But not exactly creative. Or ground-breaking. Or exciting. Or quick. Or always right. In truth, the SOP doesn't have to solve the problem -- it just has to be followed.

I discovered that sometimes, in order to really solve the problem, you have to throw out the SOP in favor of a NIP. A New Innovative Plan.

To build a NIP, all you have to do is exactly the opposite of what the SOP requires. There's an old joke that goes something like this: "Man: 'Doctor, it hurts when I go like this' (banging his head against the table) Doctor: 'The cure is simple. Stop banging your head against the table.'"

Plain and simple -- a NIP keeps you from banging your head against the table. Here's a helpful way to decide if you need a NIP or an SOP -- if a SOP works, keep doing it. But if it's not working, NIP it in the bud. [I crack myself up.]

If your weight loss plan isn't working, take a look at your SOP. Not the SOP you tell everyone, but the SOP you actually follow, which is something like: "I'll get started on my diet tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to have this half gallon of ice cream." Remember, your NIP is the exact opposite of what you usually do, so your NIP is, "I'm starting right now and not eating the ice cream."

Want better communication with your teenager? Look at how you're communicating now. If your SOP is lectures, edicts and nagging, do you really wonder why she won't talk with you? Try the opposite -- listening, asking questions and showing respect for her opinions. You may not see a cleaner room, but you'll definitely have a better relationship.

"I keep meeting the same kind of guys," says a single woman. "They're irresponsible and all they want is a good time." OK. "Where are you looking?" she's asked. "Oh, in strip clubs, off-track betting shops and at dog fights. I guess there just aren't any respectable men left." Oh, there are plenty of them -- in places opposite to where you're looking. Try libraries, offices, dog parks, animal shelters, shopping malls, churches, synagogues, mosques and Buddhist meditation centers. For a start.

In the places in your life where you're stuck, take a look at your SOP. If it's not working for you, if you're not making the change you really, really want, then give a NIP a try. Do the exact opposite of what you've been doing, and watch your progress.

There's a disputed quote, attributed to both Ben Franklin and Albert Einstein, defining insanity as "doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different outcome." In that light, following a SOP is often an insane course. The NIP, however, is a pretty sane approach, don't you think?

You can attribute that one to me.

Life's Little Aggravations

A lovely man of my acquaintance rang me up this week and told me he enjoys what I write. I demurely blushed. Then, being the genial problem-solver extraordinaire that he is, he added: "Could you write something about living with day-to-day problems? Not everyone, you know, has problems in the workplace."

No, it's true that not everyone has problems in the workplace. Plenty of my gazillion-and-twelve readers don't even have a workplace! But nearly everyone is vexed by daily frustrations that add up to make them feel stressed and overwhelmed.

You know what I mean: The fellow at the baseball game who's drunk, spills everything and screams obscenities in front of your kindergartner. Your upstairs neighbor who seems to walk the floor in golf spikes every morning at 2am. The gal yakking on her cell phone while the traffic behind her piles up because she's not taking the right turn on red. The woman in the express checkout with a full basket, who, at the last minute, can't locate her checkbook or pen.

How, indeed, can one deal with those issues in a positive and purposeful way?

Ah, now we're getting to Michele's Big Vision Of Life. Prepare yourself -- there are several tenets we'll have to cover.

First, you can never know what's going on in another person's head unless they tell you. The woman in front of you in the checkout line may live alone with 56 cats, and that trip to the store may be her only interaction with another human being in the whole week. Her momentary connection with the clerk, and you, may mean more to her than you can ever know. The gal on the cell phone? She might be a doctor racing to the hospital, making sure the emergency orders she's issuing are absolutely understood by the oncology nurse on the other end of the line.

Since you can't know what's in another person's mind, you have two choices: decide they're purposefully making your life difficult, or, they're doing the best they can.

Guess which choice helps you feel more peaceful.

Second, people don't have to be exactly like you to be right. You may go to the store to get milk and eggs, but other people go there to get connection and affirmation. A little tolerance and acceptance of different motivations and expectations can go a long way toward reducing your frustration.

Folks are frustrated that other people aren't exactly like themselves in plenty of situations. I know churches where people are frustrated because not everyone in the congregation approaches worship the same way. I know offices where people are angry because not everyone is a driven Type-A who's wedded to his job. I know marriages in which both partners futilely endeavor to mold each other into their own shape. Each of these situations overlooks the big point -- we're all different, and vive la difference! Different outlooks, experiences and expectations bring richness and fullness to life. It certainly feels like I'm powerful and in control when I think "it would be better if everyone were just like me!", but what that really is... is fear. It's the fear of that which challenges my comfort zone.

Third, you can operate out of fear or you can operate out of love. When you operate out of fear, you limit your world view to that which cannot hurt you. Fear doesn't allow you to question your own beliefs, or analyze your own mistakes, or even consider that someone else might have a valid point. Fear is a closed, keep-myself-safe approach. Fear is "if he really knew what I was like inside, he'd leave me, so I'm going to keep my true Self hidden and hope for the best." That particular fear leads to a horrible death -- the death of the sense of who you really are and of what's important to you. It's the death of true authenticity.

Love, on the other hand, is transparent, authentic and open. Love is all those things we've read -- patient and kind, understanding and tolerant, hopes all things and endures all things. Love truly covers all transgressions. Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite writers, said that love exists when I create a safe place for another person to be fully himself. Even if when they're being fully themselves they tick me off. Between you and me, that's when I lovingly give them a whole lotta space to be fully themselves.

Because coming from love does not mean you abandon your boundaries or forget your limits. No, keeping those intact help keep you intact. Coming from love doesn't mean you're a doormat, either. Coming from love simply means living life with freedom from fear.

When daily life vexes you, you have a choice. You can come from a place of fear, with the expectation that you're going to be hurt, or you can come from a place of love, and the expectation that, although you can't know what motivates another person, you can be charitable, kind and open to learning something new from them. And about yourself.

If we could all shift away from fear and toward love, our collective vexation would diminish. Wouldn't that be something? It would be as if the entire world stepped back, took a giant exhale and relaxed.

And that would be Michele's Big Vision Of Life.

(How's that, Jack?)

Funk Sway

The ancient Chinese art of feng shui seeks to correct or balance the energy in a place so that maximum happiness, prosperity and good fortune can occur. Feng shui is helpful in decluttering, redecorating and renovation. Practitioners train for years to understand the complex rules surrounding the harnessing of "chi" -- the energy that surrounds us.

I have my own method of decluttering, redecorating and harnessing chi. It's simple, with just a few rules. All you need is a CD player and the right music and you can change your life and your chi.

I call it "Funk Sway", and it's based on one universal premise: there is no way to be unhappy when you are dancing to classic funk music.

I am a certified Funk Sway master, and by reading this you will achieve your mastery, too.

Here's what you do: go to the room you want to re-energize. This next step is a very important element to set the tone for the entire Funk Sway process: you must play the funk classic "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" by Wild Cherry. Begin to sway...perchance to dance. When the song has concluded, choose your next song depending on what you'd like to achieve in your life.

To declutter, you must play "Pick Up The Pieces" by the Average White Band. Play it loud. Swaying will happen, trust me. Amid the swaying, and dancing, begin to literally pick up the pieces. In a few short minutes, you will be funk swaying your way into a tidier room!

To affirm your sense of gratitude, you need "Thank You (Falettime Be Mice Elf Agin)" by Sly and the Family Stone. Require some affirmation? It's "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus (and Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan). Want to develop a career in the movies? "Hollywood Swinging" by Kool and the Gang sets the proper tone. Lost something? Why, you need Parliament's "Flashlight" (or maybe a... neon light).

Grateful for your health and body? "Brick House" by the Commodores. Need to focus on being a more empathetic individual? "I Feel For You (I Think I Love You)" by Chaka Khan (Chaka Khan -- you know you always say it twice).

When you have met your objective for your Funk Sway session, the concluding song must be "Give Up The Funk (Tear The Roof Off The Sucker)".

Your environment is now funkified. Your burdens have been laid down, and joy pervades.

It's time to free your inner funkster. Open yourself to the messages of the universe, contained in a brutal back beat and righteous horn section. Sway to the funk. Be one with the funk.

It's time to Funk Sway your chi, y'all.

Walking The Walk

Those of you who have worked with me know that sometimes I pull something and use it in a way it may not have been intended. I may use a marketing tool to assess your life. Or take a parenting technique and apply it to your business. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman is one of those multi-purpose tools I find myself using time and time again.

The book is designed for couples -- to bring them closer together. But I have found the information especially useful in a workplace setting. Let me 'splain, Lucy.

Dr. Chapman, a marriage counselor with over 30 years of experience, suggests that there are five primary ways people experience feeling loved. They are:

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Gifts

Words of Affirmation

So let's look at each Love Language. Physical Touch people feel loved when they are in physical contact with others -- hugs, pats on the back, sex. In a workplace setting, Physical Touch people must be very, very careful... but if you supervise someone who is "touchy-feely", you may find a literal pat on the back may do wonders for his performance.

Quality Time folks like spending one-on-one time with another person. They will make time for you, and like when you make time for them. If someone continually finds excuses to linger in your office, they might be a Quality Time person, trying to satisfy that need.

People motivated by Acts of Service will do things for you. At home, these are people who fold and put away your laundry. Or do your dishes. Or get your car inspected, or your tires rotated. In the office, these folks might offer to get you lunch while they get their own. Or bring you a package from the front desk they just happened to spot.

Although we'd like to think that Gifts are restricted to small blue boxes from Tiffany's, Gifts can be as small as a cookie from a favorite restaurant, or a souvenir from a trip. Gifts people like knowing you were thinking of them when you were apart. Finally, people motivated by Words of Affirmation need to be told that they are valued and appreciated.

Dr. Chapman says that often we speak to others using our own Love Language -- which may or may not be relevant to the other person. This is how relationships get in trouble -- I tell you you're wonderful because I'm a Words of Affirmation person, and it means absolutely nothing to you because you're an Acts of Service person. "Sweet words are nice, but what have you done for me lately?" might be the response.

Many troubled marriages, suggests Chapman, could be saved if only the partners would speak each other's Love Language. When you consider how many women report that their husbands never "do anything around the house" -- they're expressing their Acts of Service orientation -- and how many men complain that they don't get enough sex -- they're expressing their Physical Touch leanings -- the concept of speaking Love Languages to each other becomes very clear.

Wouldn't it be fascinating to consider that the difficult boss you struggle with could be transformed - - if you just started speaking to him in his Love Language? Do a few Acts of Service, and diffuse the tension. Give him some Words of Affirmation and get him off your back...

Dr. Chapman's main point is that if you speak the other person's Love Language rather than your own, you will fill up their "Love Tank" -- increasing their attachment and regard for you -- and create a happier, healthier relationship.

I have to tell you that this really works. It works with partners, children, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers. It even works with ex-spouses! Many people have a primary language as well as a secondary one -- make it your business to know the Love Language of those important to you, as well as your own, and you will greatly increase your life satisfaction. Promise.

What Do You Expect?

I have come to believe that expectations are at the root of the world's ills.

Expectations put us in a rut. Israeli expects Palestinian to hate Israeli, Palestinian expects the same from Israeli. Each acts proactively on those expectations and, boom, we have war. War that lasts for years and years.

Husband expects wife will be angry when he comes home late, wife expects he has no good excuse and, bang, we have an argument.

Woman expects she will fail because she always has, and, anyway, she's not really good enough -- who does she think she's kidding? -- and, pow, she doesn't get the promotion. Again.

All these foregone conclusions are based on expectations which may or may not be true. An Israeli might actually want to give compassionate medical care to a Palestinian. A Palestinian may wish to teach an Israeli child calculus -- but because of their underlying limiting expectations, neither do.

Author Byron Katie tells a story about a walk in the desert she once took. Katie, a woman of a certain age, was out walking alone in the desert near her home. Out of the corner of her eye, she glimpsed a snake. She froze.

A snake. A poisonous snake. The snake was going to bite her. She was going to be bitten by a poisonous snake and die a horrible, slow death in the desert. She'd die and no one would know what happened to her. She'd die alone, painfully, in the desert. Searchers would come eventually and find a pile of bones. She'd be all alone out there in the desert -- dead. Nothing but a pile of bones!

She opened one eye to see the demon snake who was going to kill her, and...it was a rope. Not a poisonous, ruinous snake. Just an old rope. Laughing, she stepped over it and continued her walk.

Expectations are like this. Expect to see a snake, and you will. Even if it's just a rope. You'll react to the rope as if it were a snake, when all you need to do is treat it as a rope and keep walking.

What if you lived your life if it were just an experiment? In the scientific method, there are no expectations of outcome. We do the experiment and see what happens. If it works, we keep doing it. If it doesn't, we stop. We try something new. And, there are no mistakes. What a lovely way to live!

Either/Or

"I can stay in my job and have enough money, or I can do what I love and be broke."

"I can't be happy as long as I'm married to Clyde."

"Since I have been a full-time parent for the last ten years, the only job I can possibly get won't pay very much."

All statements I have heard in the last month -- that's true.

But they're not true statements. Sure, they feel true to the folks saying them, but they're really either/or, black/white statements. They're what's called "limiting beliefs". Either/or statements like this serve a great purpose -- they keep us pretty well stuck.

Because... is it true that you have to be broke to do what you love? Hmmmn. Oprah looks like she loves what she does and she's doing all right. Bill Gates? He seems pretty happy. Steve Jobs is passionate about what he does, and he gets all the IStuff he can use. Bono gets to be a multi-millionaire rock star AND do good while wearing cool sunglasses.

Either/or statements serve as fear-based predictors of what's going to happen. If you go into a job interview with the mindset, "Since I've been a full-time parent for 10 years, I can't ask for too much" -- guess what? You won't. Confidence in your own self-worth is reflected in that thought, and you telegraph it to everyone you meet. How much stronger to say, "Even though I've been out of the workforce for 10 years, I bring great skills and excellent contacts -- I'm worth what they've budgeted for this position's salary."

Living in black/white, either/or land is one way to make sure you're always right. "I can't be happy if I'm married to Clyde" -- a popular kind of statement. Saying this, you will discard any experience that might show that you could be happy, or, heaven forbid, that you actually like Clyde. You will pursue, or maybe even create, opportunities to be unhappy with Clyde. What if you turned it around and figured ways to see if you could be happy with Clyde, oh, like, let's see: counseling, mutual hobbies, actually talking to him...

Often when we "can't be happy" it's not because of someone else, but because of something within ourselves. And we owe it to the Clydes of the world to work on that before laying our own dissatisfaction at their feet.

Living in the gray between black/white is the challenge, and the gift. It's saying, "I can lose weight while eating fewer carbs." It's saying, "I may have to start the work I love on the side or as a volunteer, while I keep my job for the income." It's "I can be happy with or without Clyde -- it's up to me."

There are "motivational speakers" out there who tout the idea "You CAN have it all." Which is, poppets, yet another black/white statement. The beauty of living in the gray is replacing "either/or" with "and". It's so much more balanced to believe, "I can have some of this and some of that," or, even more true, "I can have whatever I need."

Contrary to popular belief, life is not all or nothing. The key to getting unstuck is getting un-attached to the either/or thoughts that immobilize us, and recognizing them for the limiting beliefs they are.

In fashion, it's often said that this color or that color is the "new black". In life, the key to happiness is replacing black/white with the best of both -- to live in the shades of gray that are truly flattering.

Risky Business

Back in the summer of 1972, "Stuck In The Middle With You" was a hit for a band called Stealers Wheel -- the song was written by bandmates Gerry Rafferty and Joe Egan. Know the lyrics?

"Well I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I'll fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you

"Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control yeah, I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you."

It's no fun being stuck between clowns and jokers. Feels like whatever way you go, you'll lose. Nothing will ever change. Net effect? You stay on your chair, trying desperately not to fall off.

When you're stuck -- stuck like Krazy Glue, or in a rut that's so deep you can't see a way out -- you could take a stab at writing a hit song... or, you could just try something else.

That's my advice. That's all. Just try something else. Something risky.

Risk, I've found, is the best way to overcome being stuck. Taking a small risk every day moves you, perhaps ever so slightly away from your fear and toward happiness. Taking a small risk every day inches your comfort zone out just a tad. Before you know it, you're no longer stuck -- you're out and moving, and have left the clowns and jokers behind.

I often suggest people go up to that which troubles them the most and shake that fear's hand. Often, the fear's not so big, bad and scary when you look it in the eye. Let's say your biggest stuck area is at work. You feel you can't say what needs to be said, that you are not respected and are taken for granted. Sound familiar?

So you need to get heard and have your voice respected. Big goal. Let's break it down into smaller bits...OK, for you, a teeny tiny risk might be to make a point at a meeting. Just one. You don't have to execute a coup d'etat, or monopolize, or bust heads. Just take a teeny tiny risk by speaking up instead of sitting and seething, and begin to claim your power.

Granted, ideas about what a risk is may differ widely. Volunteering to honcho a project at work may seem a huge risk to the introvert. A woman who does so much for others could find her risk in buying herself something nice. A man who worries that the life has gone out of his marriage may take a risk when he tells his wife he loves and admires her and wants the marriage to work. The widow make make her risk when she picks up the phone and connects with a friend.

How do you know if it's a risk? If it feels like a risk, it probably is. For me, risk feels like a little frisson of anxiety that bubbles in my belly, mixed with a tiny closure of the throat. But that's just me...

When I feel that feeling I know I'm facing a challenge -- and I try to push myself to address it. At least part of it. Remember, risk is about enlarging your comfort zone so you can grow and become fuller and more happy. Risk is not about hurting yourself or others. Taking a little risk every day is a discipline that pays off when you look at your life and realize, hey, there's nothing holding me back. I'm not afraid! I'm not stuck in the middle! The only folks still stuck there are the jokers and the clowns.

What Coaching Is

Have you ever wondered what coaching is all about? Wondered whether coaching is for you?

Last week my former client Barb sent me the following testimonial -- and I think she sums up (quite nicely) the process and outcomes of coaching. So, with her permission, I share her thoughts with you:

"I had heard of life coaching through a friend and while a bit skeptical, I searched on line for a 'coach' who might help guide me through a stage where I welcomed not only career advice, but life directional advice as well. I came upon Michele's website and was, quite frankly, impressed with her credentials and yet the overall down-to-earth nature which came across in her writing. I found Michele to be not only very approachable, but very wise for (what I think is!) her age.

"A very good listener, Michele was able to quickly ascertain and summarize for me what my issues or roadblocks seemingly were; to put a voice to the things I intuitively felt were going on, but could not verbalize myself. Together we created goals, both career-wise and other, and followed my progress. Each time we talked I felt there were kernels of wisdom there; things I had not thought of before. A survey of my core values has helped remind me about where I am headed in life and how to change course if necessary. I recommend Michele as a life coach for both men and women as she is intuitive, helps one strategize and develop tactics, and as she is someone who can help you see the broader picture of your life when you might be bogged down by the daily details."

Thanks for the affirmation, Barb, and just for the record, I'm 47 years old -- having recently attended two birthday parties for a fabulous 80 year old and a fantastic 93 year old, I only hope I can grow to have the wisdom of those two birthday girls as the years pass.

Coaching is a results-oriented endeavor. If you are stuck, or feel you don't have a plan -- coaching can help. If you want to make change but aren't sure how to go about it, coaching can help. If you're in a crisis and need the support of an unbiased third party, coaching can help.

As your coach, I have one objective: I want you to succeed. To get where you need to go, I design a series of exercises, assessments and tools specific to you and to your objective. I'll use any tool, any approach, any resource necessary to get you where you want to go. No two clients get the same approach -- because no two clients have exactly the same backgrounds, experiences, ideas, feelings or goals.

Sometimes I'll be your teacher. Sometimes I'll be your mentor. Sometimes I'll be your cheerleader. And, always, I'll be your coach -- helping you reach farther, grow stronger, understand deeper.

That's my mission statement. And I have to tell you this: working with clients like Barb make coaching the best job I've ever had.

Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter And Save Money

Spend an afternoon with the cable remote in your hand and you could come away with the idea that most people in the world are heavier than is healthy, have messy houses, lackluster love lives, and can't save a nickel.

I invested in some couch time the other day (in my on-going effort to perfect The Art of Being Lazy, of course), and was astounded by the number of TV shows about dealing with either too much (like possessions and food) or too little (love, fashion sense). And the one sad common thread among the folks on these shows was their overwhelming feeling of lack and their resulting self-punishing behaviors.

It comes down to this: when we feel powerless, we look to behaviors which allow us to grab onto a little bit of power. If I feel denied love, I am sure-as-shootin' not going to deny myself the cheesecake.

And after I eat the whole cheesecake in one sitting, I feel horrible about myself, decide I'm never going to have a boyfriend and get out of this hellhole of a life, so I turn to the chocolate ice cream in the freezer.

This cycle repeats, spinning down into a not very nice place to be. It's a place of powerlessness.

But there's good news. Turning powerlessness into power is a simple matter of shifting our thoughts. It's going from feeding yourself in an attempt to fill a gap, to feeding yourself out of self-respect and self-love.

It's "I can choose to eat anything, so I am choosing food which tastes good, is good for me and nurtures me."

Baby, that's power.

Power is also saying "I can have any old partner in a New York minute, but to have a partner who respects me and loves me, I have to love and respect myself first." Many of us get involved with unsuitable people because of the thought "Anybody's better than nobody." Anybody, because we maybe chose him out of panic, may be someone who affirms our inner sense of lack, rather than our inner strength. Where's the power in that?

When you chose a partner out of self-respect, you will have a partner worth having. When you spend your money out of self-respect, you will not overspend. When you live with things that reflect your self-respect, your clutter diminishes. When you feed yourself with an eye to nurturing that which is best in you, you will eat healthily.

You have the power to take care of yourself, and eliminate that which holds you back from your best life. You have the power -- use it.

The Art of Being Lazy

All art requires practice, and patience. Art requires the proper setting, too. And there is no better setting to perfect the art of being lazy than summer.

Being truly lazy seems a lost art in our time of instant messaging, instant gratification -- instant everything. We enjoy so many luxuries, except the luxury of time, which is precisely what the lazy state of being requires.

Summer beckons us away from the hustle and bustle and toward laziness. To laze about on a summer Sunday means to recharge batteries. To reconnect with other lazy souls. To rest. To think. To meander. To lollygag. To accomplish much, while accomplishing nothing of any great purpose.

And that's the point -- to have no apparent point. We spend so much of our working days striving. Summer laziness allows us to deposit that baggage at the door and really relax.

What's funny to me is the number of people who chastise themselves for being "lazy", yet when asked what they've accomplished today, they can tick off ten or twenty things. They don't see lazy as an art, but as a notion anathema to productive living.

But here's the deal: the art of being lazy is just as creative as any other art. While you're being "lazy", you are allowing your fertile mind to grow and bloom. You are creating something new. A new you.

Lazy is taking a walk -- not to get the aerobic workout, but to look at the flowers. Lazy is taking the time to read a book the whole way through -- in one sitting. Lazy is a catnap -- without giving a hoot about the chores waiting. Lazy is a two hour talk with your teenager about nothing at all, and everything in the world.

Lazy is loving yourself enough to let go of the need to impress and achieve long enough to really and truly relax and recharge.

Being lazy is an art and I mean to be an accomplished practitioner this summer. Will you join me?

The Best Job Interview Question Ever

So, you've made it through the first round of interviews for that new position. Now it's the second -- or third -- round. "Tell me a little about yourself" has been asked. Maybe you've even been asked, "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" You know, all the important stuff.

Remember that job interviews are not only your opportunity to "sell" yourself, but are your chance to evaluate whether the job is actually something you'll like and be good at. To figure that out, you have to do more than give the right answer to questions -- you also have to ask the right questions.

To that end, I've come up with The Best Job Interview Question Ever. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with trees.

Ready? Here it is:

"What's the first task you'd like me to accomplish in this job?"

Whether you're interviewing for a CEO position or a job on the loading dock, the beauty of this question is multi-fold.

If everyone you interview with responds with "We need you to streamline our HR processes and make sure we're in compliance with OSHA guidelines", you can be certain that the organization is clear on what the job is about.

But, if the guy in accounting says, "You need to clear up the spreadsheets", and the woman in marketing says, "You have to make new collateral materials", and the CEO says, "We're looking for someone to clean house", and the gal in sales says, "I have no idea what you're here for," you've got a problem. The organization may be disorganized, lack leadership or not function well as a team. Here's what you do in this situation: exit, quickly, stage left.

When you ask The Best Question, you might find that the expectations expressed are completely unrealistic. "I want you to drive up share prices by 50%, reduce the workforce by 30%, acquire companies more profitable than we are, and find the Holy Grail." Again, this is your tip-off that the job may not be right for you. Or for anyone.

Having a clear sense of organizational priorities allows you to snag what writer Michael Watkins calls an "early win." His book The First 90 Days has great advice on making the most of a new job -- in short, when you meet or exceed expectations early, you are guaranteed success.

The interview process is fraught with anxiety and stress -- but discovering how your colleagues and bosses will judge you as a winner before you take the job is a surefire way to insure you have less stress and more success.

Mistakes Were Made

Can you imagine a world without Post-It Notes? Well, you almost didn't have them... the adhesive used to make sticky notes sticky was a total mistake. In 1968, inventor Spence Silver was tinkering with adhesives and developed something quite unusual. According to the 3M website, Dr. Silver tried to get 3M brass to champion the new glue for five years. But it took Art Fry, a visionary at the company, to see the practical use -- he made a bookmark for his choir hymnal, and the purpose of the adhesive became clear. Post-It Notes were rolled out in 1980 and have become a great American product.

If our scientist-hero had been a perfectionist, he might have thrown out that batch of adhesive because he'd made a "mistake". Fortunately, Dr. Silver took the time to learn from his mistake -- and to see if he could do something with it.

Learning from mistakes. Something we've been taught all our lives, huh? But how many of us really do it? Seems like what we actually do is orient our lives so we don't make mistakes. We so control and prepare and plan that we allow no room for mistakes. No room for the creativity mistakes inspire. No room, then, for serendipity.

I love serendipity. Serendipity can only happen when you allow yourself room for it -- by first saying, "oops". Think of the guy who first thought: "What if I put peaches in...salsa?" Or the guy who missed his flight and met his future spouse? Or the woman who took a wrong turn... and avoided an accident. Or the scientist who screwed up a batch of glue, and became a millionaire?

Tightly controlling all aspects of our lives may help us feel safe, and unchallenged... but at what cost? We set up an impossible standard to live by -- perfection -- and then deal with the stress of not being able to meet "perfect" very often.

I'm face-to-face with my shortcomings everytime I'm on a golf course. Did you know that less that one half of one percent of all amateur golfers actually make par on every hole in a single round of golf? Yet, every golf course in the world is set up for the perfect player. The vast majority of golfers are far from perfect, and they keep on playing. How do they do it? Many golf instructors suggest golfers establish their own par for a hole: "I usually score six here, so if I do better than that, great!"

If you struggle with being perfect, think about setting your own "par". How do you usually do this task? What's good enough for you? Don't worry about the guy in the next cubicle, or the gal next to you in line, or those insistent voice of your mother in your head... what's your "par"? Shoot for your own par, make mistakes and leave room for serendipity. What will you create?

Independence Day

This is the week that we in America celebrate our independence. It was in 1776 that a courageous group of men listed the colonies' grievances against the King of Britain, carefully building a case for all this paragraph holds:

"We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. - And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

The 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence risked treason -- the penalty for which was hanging. Benjamin Franklin adroitly punned that punishment when he remarked to some anxious signers, "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately."

These men were willing to risk their lives for freedom. And on this Independence Day, let's remember their courage and commitment, and be grateful for it.

A few years ago, I visited the USS Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. On just one day -- December 7, 1941 -- 1,177 crew members lost their lives when the ship went down in a direct act of war. Today, if you visit the memorial, you can still see oil bubbling up from below -- and you can still feel the spirit of those who gave their all that day.

In all of World War II, some 407,000 Americans were killed in combat. In Korea, 36,940 were lost. In Vietnam, 58,486 gave their lives. In Desert Storm, 255 died. And, to date, in Afghanistan and Iraq, 3,965 Americans have fallen.

And, over 88,000 Americans are still listed as Missing In Action from these wars. Eighty-eight thousand husbands, wives, sons, daughters, fathers, mothers. Loved ones, all.

This Independence Day, let's take a moment to thank all who have served, all who have died -- those who are still missing, and the families and communities who have loved, supported, and, too often, buried, our soldiers.

Today, America still produces men and women -- much in the spirit of the Founders -- who are willing to risk their lives for freedom. And on this Independence Day, let's remember their courage and commitment, and be grateful for it.

Cleaning a Closet

I cleaned out a closet the other day. "Yes," you're saying to yourself, "she lives such a glamorous life." So true.

I cleaned out a walk-in closet in preparation for a much needed paint job. It's been nine years since the closet was empty, let alone painted. It's past time for a thorough overhaul.

As I toted yet another armful of hanging clothes out, it occurred to me that I have way too much stuff. I was carrying junk I don't wear and don't even like too much, and I was carrying too much of it. And it wasn't just clothes. What were my high school yearbooks doing in there? Baby toys? (My kids are teens.) Two dozen books, a broken video camera, three shoeboxes full of photos, and assorted suitcases? In my clothes closet?

As I plopped the detritus of the closet into its Temporary Storage Area, I decided that the only things going back in the closet are things I really want in there.

Things I use.

Things I like.

Things that make me feel happy.

Thank goodness for paint jobs. Without this upcoming one, I wouldn't have taken the time to take a hard look at my stuff, dust the shelves and give the corners a good vacuuming.

Then it hit me: there's plenty of stuff to clean out of other closets. Like the closet between my ears. There's plenty of junk in there that's outdated, that I don't like, and that doesn't make me particularly happy.

How about you? Is now the time to get rid of the excess stuff you've accumulated -- to streamline your life and your thoughts so you can be your best self?

Maybe you have an outdated idea about yourself -- and it's holding you back. I worked with a woman recently who views herself as a struggling young homemaker, although her home is paid off, there is money in the bank and her kids are ready to go to college. Seeing herself as struggling feels comfortable, controllable and somehow appropriate. It's the way she's defined herself. It's her comfort zone. Not a happy comfort zone, but a comfort zone nonetheless.

She needs to clean out that closet.

Whether you're literally or figuratively ready to clean out a closet, now's the time. Examine everything that comes out of your closet -- does it fit? Is it in good shape? Does it bring out the best in you? Do you like it? If your answer is "yes", keep it. If the answer is "no", give it away.

Letting go of that which holds us back or weighs us down, allows space to open for us to grow and start something new. It's time to clean closets.

Having Fun

So this woman calls me last week. Says she's happy -- really happy -- doesn't need a coach really. Just wants to talk. Well, maybe there is just this one thing. Kinda small. Not a big deal.

See, she's got this job she doesn't really like but it pays pretty well -- you don't have to LOVE your work, right? You just have to get the check and support your lifestyle, even if the job is a soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end. I mean, she does the job very well.

Oh, and, by the way, she's got a four hour daily commute to the soul-sucking, mind-numbing dead end job she only does for the money. She doesn't have time to connect with her husband. She feels guilty when she misses activities with her kids, so she schedules them into lots of stuff -- she's gotta work to pay for all that, right? And, for herself? No time for book club, no time for gardening, no time for nuthin'.

I have to tell you, I really liked this woman. She's smart, she's well-spoken, she's caring and kind. She's got so much going for her. And, like a lot of us, she's completely stuck in a rut.

If you're stuck in some kind of rut yourself, there is nothing better to do than incorporate some fun into your life.

Yes,that's what I said: fun.

Next to money and sex, fun is one of the most difficult things for us grown-ups to talk about. It's as if having fun is irresponsible once you crest a certain threshold of adulthood. But...

Think about when you're having fun. You're excited, you're laughing, you're in the moment -- you're happy. The Buddhists suggest "child's mind" when tackling a new problem (or just walking through your life) -- fun and play are the best ways to achieve child's mind. Jesus taught that the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like little children. And, how do children like to spend their time? Why, by having fun!

So, let me ask you: Are you playing every day? Are you having fun?

Take a moment to have some fun today. Clear off the coffee table and play mini-hockey with your kids. Do a cannonball off the high dive. Dance. Take your husband to the go-kart track and race. Giggle. Paint your mother's portrait with finger paints. Hang a spoon off your nose at dinner. Buy some Play-Doh. Have a water balloon fight. Hopscotch.

Have no purpose to your fun. Forget the teaching moments. Just play. Play and relax.

You're never too old for fun. Fun is never inappropriate. In fact, fun is catching. If folks see you have fun, they'll have fun themselves.

If your work is not fun, try to incorporate some fun into it. If you can't, find something more fun to do. Yes, your lifestyle may change. But that can be OK. It's happened before. After a divorce, Karen drops the country club and joins a hiking club. After successfully beating cancer, John leaves his job and starts teaching school. When the kids leave for college, Hannah and George sell the big house and spend a year sailing the Caribbean. A woman wakes up one morning and realizes there is more to life than a four hour commute, and makes some changes.

How you live is completely up to you -- if your lifestyle interferes with living your life, ditch the lifestyle for something much more real and much more fun.

Need More Time?

Need more time? Have enough time to get everything done? Are there things that remain on your to-do list -- for years? Stuff you never get around to tackling, oh, like exercising, finding a new job or actually having friends?

It's a modern predicament many of us face. But here's a strategy that really works: simply think about your time differently.

Imagine you have 100 units of energy to spend each day. You can't take from yesterday, because those 100 units are gone. You can't borrow from tomorrow, because those units belong to tomorrow.

You've just got 100 to use today. How will you allocate them?

First, you have to assess how you're spending your time. Take a pen and paper (or a crayon and the back of an envelope, or a Sharpie and a docile housepet) and write down everything you did yesterday. Start with what time you woke up, when you got out of bed, what you did next, and next, and next -- all the way to the time you went to sleep.

Now, remember: how you use your time reveals your true priorities. How did you use your time yesterday? What does that reveal about your priorities?

Let's say you have a priority to find a new job, but allocated no energy to that pursuit yesterday (or the day before, or the day before). Could it be that you really don't want a new job -- but that your spouse is pressuring you to make more money? Or, your daddy said you'd be successful when you made regional manager, but you'd rather not do sales at all?

When you really want something, you'll allocate energy to it. Plain and simple.

Friends, it is also possible to use "lack of time" as a way to avoid taking action, or to avoid something unpleasant. If you think that's the case, look at the priority you allegedly want to pursue. Do you really want it? Are you avoiding something? Is the priority yours? Or someone else's?

A priority that someone else places upon you is called a "should" -- such as: you should always put ketchup in a dish, not serve it in the bottle at dinner time; you should be a doctor and make a ton of money; you should have a housekeeper; you shouldn't have a housekeeper; you should keep your house tidy at all times; you should be thinner, smarter, hotter or blonder.

When really all you should be is -- you. Shoulds limit us. They force us to serve another person's priorities rather than our own. We depart from who we are in an effort to meet someone else's needs -- which may not allow us to be our best. That, my friends, is the path to unhappiness. Let's all focus on being happy, and eliminate shoulds. Agreed?

If you look at how you spent your 100 units of energy yesterday and realize that another person took 70 units, they better have a darn good reason. Most of us are ready to help another person in crisis -- but when that crisis goes on for weeks, months, years, you need to take a hard look and ask yourself whether the energy suck is keeping you from reaching your own priorities. If so, set some boundaries and re-shift your energy units to serve you better.

You have 100 units of energy to spend today. How will you use them to support your priorities?

When Times Are Tough

It's been a tough couple of weeks for yours truly. I've faced a 3-D crisis: Death, Disease and Disappointment. A longtime friend died; a woman dear to me is ill; one of my readers has been given a scary diagnosis; and, someone didn't do what he said he had done. All in all, a challenging time.

How do we get through crisis? How do we function when times are tough? How can we make the best of a bad situation?

Here are some tactics you can use when you face tough times:

First, don't hurry through difficulties. I know, I know. Sounds counter-intuitive, huh? But finding a solution to a set of difficult problems may take time -- and if you rush, you can find yourself applying the wrong solutions, which can completely compound the problem.

Second, accept the gifts difficulty has to offer. Another counter-intuitive thought? Not really. It's only by fully experiencing the lows that we can fully experience the highs. I believe it's impossible to live in bliss. Bliss is something that can be touched and savored in the moment -- but it's incredibly hard to sustain. Fully feeling sadness, hurt, vulnerability, disappointment and fear allows us to understand and learn. And to remember we're only human.

Third, make sure you are surrounded by a team of people ready to help and support you. In my case, my team "floats" depending on what I need. Sometimes my team includes a lawyer (or two), an accountant, a teacher, a consultant or another coach. Sometimes my team consists of three wise women and two bottles of wine. The latter is infinitely more fun than the former, with no offense meant to lawyers and accountants who can be fun in their own special ways. In my "Thinking About Starting Your Own Business" and "Writing Your Own Personal Strategic Plan" workshops, I ask participants to inventory the folks they'll need on their team to meet their objectives. It's a good idea to identify your "crisis team" when times are good -- so when times get tough, you know who to call. And, if you don't know who to call, rely on friends, family and colleagues to give you good referrals.

Fourth, if your crisis takes you by complete surprise and you have that deer-in-the-headlights feeling -- do this: think of someone you know who's experienced your crisis before and pretend you're her. "Carol would ask these questions," you can tell yourself. Then proceed to ask all of Carol's questions, which may prompt a few of your own. Our friends the mental health professionals call this "modeling" but you can also call it "surviving" -- just until you have the information and strength to get going again.

Finally, remind yourself that you are a resilient person. You haven't gotten this far without weathering a few storms, right? Reflect on other tough times you have faced-- you made it through, didn't you? You learned something. You made deeper connections with others. You grew stronger.

When times are tough, we are being challenged to our very core to dig deep and be the best people we can be in that moment. The good news is that tough times don't last forever. And when they pass, our hearts are open to grateful living -- and anticipation of the inevitable good times to come.

Extreme Jobs

How many hours a week do you work? Do you travel? Do you supervise or mentor people? Are you required to be available to clients 24/7? Do you have to attend work-related events outside of regular work hours? Are there even such things as "regular work hours" where you work?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you might just have what Sylvia Ann Hewlett calls an "Extreme Job." In her book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women on the Road to Success, Hewlett discusses the rise of extreme jobism as a barrier which keeps women from the executive suite, but also keeps men stressed and harried. It's true, fewer women with children hold extreme jobs than do men -- mainly because of the competing demands of work and family. Women who are also moms tend to step down, or away, from extreme jobs in an effort to find a balance in their lives.

Hewlett backs up her arguments with terrific research. In surveys, people in extreme jobs report the toll their work life takes on their health -- "more than two thirds don't get enough sleep, half don't get enough exercise, and a significant number overeat, consume too much alcohol, or rely on medications to relieve insomnia or anxiety," Hewlett finds.

But the biggest toll comes in the personal life of people with extreme jobs. Hewlett cites Arlie Hochschild's book The Time Bind, and talks about the stress on a relationship when both people work long hours at demanding jobs. "Hochchild shows that for many professionals 'home' and 'work' have reversed roles: home is where you expect to find stress -- and guilt; while work has become the 'haven in a heartless world' -- the place where you get strokes and respect, a place where success is more predictable."

Just about the same time I read Hewlett's book, the Washington Post ran an article about workaholism. Serendipitous coincidence for me, because I was able to connect some dots. The Post article suggested workaholics take a look at relationships in the family, and ask, "Do you routinely get home after the kids are in bed? Miss important family events? Do you get impatient with family members because you have so much work to do?" The Post quotes Chris Essex from the Center for Work and the Family who says that some workaholics "choose to stay at work because family is harder work. They have skills and training that allow them to be successful at work, but they don't have the skills and training to be successful at home."

See a theme here?

It seems that sometimes people use the demands of their job as a barrier to real, deep connection with others. Busy single people can't make plans with others; busy married people can't make plans with their families. Which is one big, honking way to avoid connecting with people at all.

Kinda sad, isn't it?

The rules and roles are well-defined at work -- thus giving the control freak among us plenty of comfort. At home, however, the footing's somewhat dicier, and harder to control. So, stay at work -- in the comfort zone -- or come home, where all bets are off.

If you recognize yourself in this paradigm, there are some things you can do to begin balancing your life and making deeper connections with your family and friends:

1) Start measuring yourself by a new yardstick. Rather than making your long hours and demanding schedule a "badge of honor", define yourself in other ways -- as a good parent, a good friend, a good squash player. So many times I've been in situations where one person talks about how demanding their job is only to have the next person "one-up" with how demanding their job is. If you find yourself in this kind of dueling banjos, just stop. De-escalate. You'll be doing everyone a favor if you are a walking example of a happy, balanced life.

2) If you are the boss and you demand that your staff model your driven behavior, ask yourself if that's really necessary. Do you have stressed-out people? Do you have people who are frequently ill? How's morale? Do you have high turnover? Hewlett points out that it costs one and a half times a person's salary to replace them -- it costs more the higher in the organization you go. Workaholism, then, costs you more as a manager than it likely gets you. Change the group think, and you will get happier, more productive people who like what they do -- and, as I've often found -- will stay loyal to you and your organization.

3) Get some training. Go to a couples retreat, take some parenting classes or take up a hobby. In our workplaces we get leadership training, diversity training, computer training, ethics training, team building exercises and stress management classes. Why don't we do this in our own homes? Make a "training schedule" for your non-work life, and build those skills which might be lacking. If you can find rewards from this kind of training -- more sex, more happiness, more connection, more fun (just to name a few) -- then the reward of an extreme job begins to pale in comparison. Believe me.

The bottom line is this: where you put your attention will grown more important in your life. If you put 120% of your attention on your work life, how much do you have for the rest of you? -80% is my guess. I'm not saying you can't be successful. You can be. I'm not saying you can't work hard. You can. The goal is balance. Work smart. Work efficient. Define yourself by your whole life, not just one part of it. It's in that balance that life has the most meaning. And the most joy.

Getting Back To Work

Show me a woman 40 to 55 years old who's been home with her kids, and I'll bet you she's had this thought at one point or the other: "Maybe I should go back to work." And with the magic of my all-knowing, all-seeing swami-like brainpower, I'll bet she's also said, "Who'd hire someone like me, who's gone 15 years without a pay check?"

It's not that I'm able to read minds. I usually can't. Rather, I am able to listen, and plenty of women are talking about how to transition back to work.

As a coach, I've been able to successfully help at-home moms find their way back meaningful and lucrative employment. Want to know how?

Know what you're good at, and what you like to do. Just because you worked 70 hours a week as a partner in a law firm, doesn't mean you have to do that now. Many former highly skilled women forecast ahead and see a very black or white future, when it comes to going back to work. "I have to go back as a full-time partner or I can't go back at all." Not so, grasshopper. You are smarter and wiser than you were then. Just make an inventory of what was best of what you did in your job, and add in the things you like about what you're doing now. There may be similarities, or eye-popping opportunities that arise from a crosshatch of your past and your present.

The gap won't matter to people who know what you can do. Over 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral, so rely on your network of contacts -- both from your professional days and from your at-home days. Let's say you were a ferocious litigator who became a ferocious advocate for diversity in your children's school. Perhaps you could go to a non-profit dedicated to diversity and offer your services. They might not need you full-time, but they might help you find your Bridge Job.

Love the beauty of the "Bridge Job". The beauty of what I call the "Bridge Job" is that it's often short-term, project-oriented, working for someone who knows you and has a specific need. Often the Bridge Job is just a means to an end -- with the end being your next job. I recently coached a wonderful woman whose Bridge Job was in the Federal Government, working for a former boss. This position gave her a perch from which she could do good work, build her network, establish a salary level and get her self-confidence. I am pleased to announce that she recently left the government for a big, hot-shot job on Wall Street.

There was a time when I was a full-time mom, at home with my wonderful kids. Although I enjoyed my time in corporate America, and truly loved working at the White House, mothering my children was just about the best experience I ever had. But like a lot of women, at a certain point time and events collided, so I went back to work.

In some ways, I took an easy path -- I re-started my consulting/coaching practice. And starting a business that reflects your own values, can be an excellent way to go forward. I am coaching several woman-owned small businesses as they grow and develop -- and watching the institutionalization of things like flexibility and Bridge Jobs and openness is truly inspiring.

I am also coaching women who are taking the harder path: re-entering the corporate workplace. Their big fears? Who will hire someone with an "employment gap"? If they do get a job, will they have to work 70 hour weeks? Will they have flexibility? Will they have seniority?

Fortunately, the picture is beginning to shift for women re-entering the workforce. Sylvia Hewlett's new book Off-Ramps and On-Ramps: Keeping Talented Women On The Road To Success (Harvard Business School Press), provides an excellent template for corporations and organizations to follow to ease the non-linear careers of women.

Attention all HR executives, recruiters and C-level folks who read this blog (and there are many of you): You need to get this book and take a long, hard look at the realities hiring futurists predict. Disqualifying candidates simply because they took time off to care for children, or elders, or their own health, eliminates a talented and vital portion of highly qualified individuals. Developing innovative ways to recruit, retain and support these people may just be the key to your long-term business success.

What Hewlett calls "The White Male Career Model"-- continuous, goal-oriented movement; full time employment and office face time; 'catching the wave' of a big promotion in your 30s; primarily motivated by money -- is falling by the wayside. I wrote about the differences between men and women a few weeks ago. If you recall, I suggested men are goal-oriented and women are experience-oriented in many aspects of life. Hewlett supports this idea with research that shows women -- regardless of whether they have children or not -- are more motivated by the connections they make in their work, and balance, than in monetary rewards. "The Female Career Model" then, would include nonlinear careers; a mix of full/part-time/project work; an ability to pass up promotions selectively; a focus on connections and experience over money. Hewlett's research shows that women really want to 'give back' in their work -- and be fairly compensated, naturally. But waving more money in front of a woman to get her to comport to the White Male Career Model is going to be an attempt that fails.

What she needs, and values, is connection, flexibility, and a culture that drops the stigma surrounding 'dropping out' or 'cutting back'.

Before I close, I want to tell you about a friend of mine who worked in politics and government. She was a very successful and well-regarded human resources executive. Then she married (a great guy) and they had children. My friend stepped back from her work and became an at-home mother. After the disputed 2000 election, she was called to "help" with the mountains of personnel paperwork piling up. It was a short-term position that ended up going something like 18 months. She went back to mothering. Then, she was approached about taking a big, full time job in the government, which she did. She called me one day and said, "Anyone can do this, Michele. It's not hard. You don't lose your skills -- it all comes back!" Today, this friend of mine serves as one of the highest ranking women in the White House -- she's Anita McBride, former at-home mom, now Chief of Staff to the First Lady.

You can go back to work after a gap in your employment history. It's possible. Target people who know you, and know what you can do. Aim for a Bridge Job as you transition from one stage of your life to another. Select people and organizations who prize flexibility and other values important to you.

And, remember what Anita said, "You don't lose your skills -- it all comes back!"

Supply & Demand

"I don't even know who I am any more," the 40-something woman across the table said to me. "Am I just someone's mom? Someone's wife? The chauffeur? The person who does the laundry and cooks the meals? Is that all I am?"

It's a perverse irony -- we love to do things for others, yet by doing so we often lose ourselves. We're always ready to help others, always available to tend to that which needs tending. We’re so accommodating that our help becomes expected rather than appreciated.

It's a fact that when things become too easy, too plentiful, too ubiquitous, they are often taken for granted. This is true whether it's a person place or thing. The bottom line is that when something is too available, it is less valuable.

But that's supply and demand for you. Too much supply in the system yields lower value. More demand than supply raises value.

If you are someone who derives meaning and purpose from being needed, you may find that your willingness to drop your priorities to help others meet their priorities devalues both you and what you want to do.

Here’s an example: The laundry is always done on time. Your family comes to expect it. There is always food, and no one fixes meals but you. You help with homework. You come running when called. Even when you are knee deep in paying bills, figuring income taxes or coordinating the big fundraiser, you drop what you are doing to help someone else. You feel frustrated because you never seem to finish anything, and you can't concentrate long enough to focus on the big picture.

Another example: You have a big project on your dance card. You chunk it up into doable steps and make a plan for getting it all done on time. Then Jim pops his head into your cube and says, "Can you help me with the Framastan contract?" You like being needed, especially by Jim (who is a good guy but REALLY needy), so you say, "Sure!" Next thing you know, Jim is presenting and not mentioning that you helped in any way -- and your project is still not done.

An example of putting your own needs last: Your source of soul-boosting strength is full sweat mountain biking. However, whenever you go biking you feel guilty if you don't bring your two year old along in a bike seat, and your five year old along on his own bike. They can't manage trails, so you stick to the flat path. You never break a sweat and your soul is teased, but not nourished.

When your needs are always trumped by another’s needs, you telegraph the message “I am not important.” Oh, you may feel important in the doing, and in being needed. But if your own objectives and priorities are not valued – even by you – your own objectives and priorities will fall by the wayside.

When you provide endless supply, the value of what you provide is diminished. In fact, your very sense of self becomes diminished.

How do you get supply and demand into appropriate balance? Start by honoring your own needs, values, objectives and priorities. Easier said than done? OK, I’ll give you a script.

Your child yells, “Hey, come look at this!” You say, “Sweetie pie, I am working on the taxes and can’t come right now. Can you explain to me what you see?” That way, if what he wants you to see is a commercial for Snappy-Poppy O’s or an escaped gerbil or, oh, blood, you can react accordingly. You are also teaching him that what you do is important and deserves respect. A great life lesson.

Jim asks for help on the Framastan contract. You say, “Jim, I’d love to help you but I have to get this project done by Thursday at 3pm. Can I help you after that?” In all likelihood, Jim will move on and look for another sucker to do his work for him. And you have proven that you are not that sucker.

You plan to go mountain biking to work up a sweat and feed your soul. Keep that objective in mind and leave the kids at home in the care of someone wonderful (then, when you get home and are showered, push that caring someone out the door for his or her own soul-feeding time). Prioritize your “me time” – because doing so helps you be a better parent.

Sometimes your over-supply of “help and assistance” can be read as “You are not capable of doing this for yourself” or “You will make a muddle of this, so I am going to take care of it.” Both of these sentiments completely disempower the other person. Think about it: when you go on a girl’s weekend once a year and always arrange a babysitter to support your husband, what message are you sending? That he’s incapable of effective parenting? Then why in the world do you complain that he never does anything? You’ve already sent him the message that he can’t, loud and clear.

We lose ourselves, like the 40-year old woman I talked with, when we devalue our selves by being too available, and not honoring our own needs and objectives. So, be careful of what you supply. Calibrate your help and assistance to meet reasonable demands. Keep your value up by giving others the chance to meet their own demands. You have a right to know who you are, and you get it through a steady supply of self-respect.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Isn’t the Internet a wonderful thing? You can read something interesting, then click to something else quite interesting, which leads, hours later, to an utterly random yet extremely fascinating article, completely unrelated to what got you started.

Using just this circuitous method, I stumbled on an interview with researcher Beverly Whipple, recently named one of the world's 50 most influential living scientists by New Scientist magazine. Whipple, professor emeritus at Rutgers University, began her career as a nurse and switched to sex research 44 years ago when a patient asked if a man who had suffered a heart attack could ever have sex again. In the course of her career, she has answered that question and many others.

One line from the interview really jumped out at me. When asked the difference between men and women in terms of sex, Whipple replied, “Men are goal oriented, and women are pleasure oriented.”

Well, now. That makes a ton of sense, doesn’t it?

Then I wondered if there were other areas of life where this is true. Sure, some men are keen to experience, not just rush to a goal. And women are known to set and meet goals. But in the aggregate, the idea that men have one definition of success and women have another has implications in the boardroom, as well as the bedroom. As I pondered, I realized there are plenty of examples of this, especially if you exchange the word “pleasure” for “experience”.

Think about shopping. A man goes into a Shopping Situation with a seek-and-destroy mindset: “I need two new shirts, a tie and boxers, then I’m out of here!” Women may have things they need to pick up, but also look at the possibilities. “Sharon would like this!” or “This might work for Tom.” Women often shop with a friend, and make a day of it. They pay attention to ambiance, texture, sounds.

He has a goal. She’s after an experience.

Another example? The NCAA Final Four bracket chart. Can you think of another more goal-oriented deal than that? A guy will completely fill in the bracket and track the progress of the teams to the ultimate goal – the #1 position. On the other hand, when I watch college basketball I am fascinated by the stories, “Brent, the power forward, Lucas Jones, certainly has faced adversity. He was raised by his loving, asthmatic grandmother in Waukegon's gritty inner city after he tragically lost his parents to a freak Zamboni incident at age 8. He’s a mentor to little kids at the Girls and Boys Club, a ventriloquist and a straight A student.” Ahhwww. Women are suckers for that stuff. It’s all part of the experience.

Women are color commentators, men are play-by-play.

So, where else does it matter that men are goal oriented and women are experience oriented? Let’s get back to sex. Many men, and plenty of women, feel that orgasm is the goal of sex. Some men feel that there must be “something wrong” if their partner doesn’t climax. Yet, I was surprised to learn from Professor Whipple that over 70% of women report they do not have orgasm every time they have intercourse. Sadly, there are a lot of women, and men, who feel “less than” sexually when, in fact, they are quite normal. The average woman takes 20 minutes to become sexually aroused -- and, how shall I say it, in the rush to make their goal, many men forget not only the time, but the day of the week [insert laugh track here].

Imagine the mutual satisfaction if a man was aware that the experience is what is important to a woman, rather than rating "success" on whether she did or didn’t have an orgasm. What if he fully supported her "pleasure for the sake of pleasure" and de-emphasized orgasm? With less pressure to perform for both parties, there would be better, and dare I say it, more sex.

I have to write a word about "male performance". What a doofy phrase. As if the man performs and the woman applauds. As we've seen above, that's not always true. Take it from me, it's not a performance, gents. Writer Gary Zukav talks very eloquently about the power of the sexual connection in his book The Seat of The Soul. In that book, Zukav suggests that forgetting the spiritual aspect of sex strips it of its meaning. In that way, too, the idea of "male performance" strips sex of the mutuality of the moment.

Just understanding that he needs a goal and she needs an experience could transform a relationship. Rather than expecting him to love shopping, just like she does, a woman could say, “I am going to respect his need to seek-and-destroy when he’s shopping and not browbeat him to enjoy it as much as I do.” Or a man might plan an outing with a woman and say, “Rather than try to climb to the top of Mt. Baldy as fast as possible, I'm going to make sure Susan really enjoys the experience. We'll move at a reasonable pace and stop halfway to have a picnic lunch.”

Wouldn’t it be great if a male manager could acknowledge that there is more to work than meeting and beating objectives – and reward women who focus on team-building and systems strengthening? And a woman manager could recognize that the guys on the team need the satisfaction of having something to strive toward, and create a process to measure and reward progress toward the goal?

There is so much to learn and appreciate from the differences between men and women. If a man can learn from a woman to slow down and enjoy the experience, while the woman learns the satisfaction of making and reaching goals, a kind of relational balance can be had – a balance which makes life for each of them that much more full.